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I wrote previously on sexual addiction and promised to come back with on Love Addiction, and this obviously slipped my mind. Thankfully, two persons dropped me reminders on this last week. This writing is based largely from “Cruise Control – Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men” by Robert Weiss. You can find the book on Amazon.com Some recovering sex addicts, having to halt their patterns of sexual acting out, turn from desperate search for sex to a desperate search for a relationship. Unless they address their underlying emotional problems, they will see themselves moving from one addiction to the next. Unresolved personal issues A love addict suffers from an underlying and unacknowledged longing to feel special in a relationship. Many love addicts struggle with unresolved issues such as fears of abandonment, rejection and unworthiness. For a gay person, these issues can be related to low self acceptance of his sexuality or rejection from loved ones based on his sexual orientation. A love addict sometimes chooses partners who aren’t emotionally available, or who are ultimately unattainable for other reasons, such as a partner who is not ready for a same sex relationship. These unsuccessful relationships further fuel their ideas that same sex relationships will not work and reinforce being gay is painful. Alternatively, a love addict might also continue in his search for a “right” partner even if he is already in a relationship. In love with the feeling of being in love One key reason on why a love addict is always on a search to look for a right partner is that he is actually in love with the feeling of being in love, not the partner. What he needs is the intense experience of looking for love, falling in love and ups and downs of love. He is not looking for a peaceful intimacy. A love addict ends up being unhappy with his partner, becoming judgmental and uncomfortable with what he has found. Even if a partner is prepared to settle down with him, a love addict misses the intensity of initial love experience, and subconsciously makes the current relationship ends so that he can move on to find a new love. He is also not likely to recognise that he is having a problem but will blame others for the failure in the relationship. Love addict who are not in a relationship Love addicts who are not in a relationship spend a lot of effort searching for love. They spend disproportional amount of their time in dating sites or mobile applications, sending out numerous messages and anticipating responses from the message recipients. They join events, sports groups and religious groups without the intention to enrich their lives or expand social circle but to seek out new partners. And very often because of the mismatched expectations at these activities, they end up very disappointed with wasted time and effort. Love addicts sometimes also look for love in absolutely wrong places such as cruising grounds, confused between anonymous sex, intimacy and love. Love addict who are in a relationship Love addicts usually focus on one individual or a relationship at a time. In order to show his love for the partner in the initial stage, he devotes all his time and energy and ignores the other needs such as friendship, personal space and time, family and even jobs. To a love addict, the intensity not the intimacy forms the relationship. This full involvement also means that a love addict will do anything to show his love, including sexual practice against his own values such as bareback or drug use. When a love addict invests so much in order to please the partner, he ends up being feeling unappreciated when the partner does not respond well. It is important to examine this constant need to please a partner. The experience of feeling more like a child eager to please a partner than an adult in a relationship is a sign of love addiction. This could be related to childhood experience of pleasing a parent in order to get love. A love addict also tends to find a partner whom they can get to depend on them in some ways. A love addict will provide the partner the attention he never received himself but always wanted. In some ways, this creates a co-dependency relationship until the partner breaks away. The partner will start to resent the control, dependency and people-pleasing personality of the love addict, and they find ways to emotionally distance from the love addict. Again, this adds on to the love addict’s self fulfilling prophecy that he will be abandoned. Some typical signs of love addictions Mistaking intense sexual experiences and new romantic excitement for love Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship When in a relationship, being desperate to please and fearful of the other’s unhappiness When not in a relationship, feeling desperate and alone. When not in a relationship, compulsively using sex and fantasy to fill the loneliness Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally and physically abusive Using sex, seduction, and manipulation (guilt / shame) to ‘hook’ or hold onto a partner Using anonymous sex, pxxn or compulsive masturbation to avoid “needing anyone”, thereby avoiding all relationships Three distinct behavioural symptoms of a love addict in a relationship Love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time, attention and “value above themselves” to the individual to whom they are addicted and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it. Love addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regards from the other individual in the relationship. Love addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they’re in the relationship. Sexual health issues related to love addiction One trend observed is that love addicts are often in short term relationships or serial monogamous relationships. As the love addicts are always eager to show their love and trust to their partners, and believe that they are in a monogamous relationship, they often do not use condoms in their sexual activities. They are also most likely to practice other sexual behaviours against their wishes, which their partners want. At times they do not realise they are subjected to sexual abuses if their partners are manipulative. When a love addict is not in love, they also have a higher possibility of being sexually compulsive to fill the loneliness. As discussed in my previous posting on sexual addiction, as compulsive sexual activity increase, a sex addict also exposed himself to higher possibility of unsafe sexual practice and sexual risks. Recovery from love addiction The most important step for a love addict is the willingness to tolerate the anxious need to be with someone without acting on that need for a period of time. Love addicts need to learn about what defines a healthy relationship. They also have to work on the other unresolved issues such as self acceptance, comfort level of own sexuality and the need to please for conditional love. I shall leave you with this quote that Robert Weiss included in the book: Many of us think that finding the right partner will complete a missing part of ourselves, finally making us feel whole. We also believe that this ideal lover will reveal the meaning of life to us. But each one of us has the potential to feel whole and fulfilled from within ourselves to the extent we can develop our competence in self-love, self-protection, self-care and self containment. In addition, each one of us searches for and eventually finds the meaning of life for ourselves, rather than looking to our partner to reveal it to us. Our lives are ours; our partner’s life is his or hers. No one can give us the ultimate answers for our own lives.- Pia Mellody *************************************************************************************************************** If you are struggling with love or sexual addiction, do consider talking to professional. Oogachaga Counselling and Support Call us on Oogachaga hotline 6226 2002 (Tue, Thu and Fri 7 to 10pm) and Sat 2 to 6pm or email us at www.oogachaga.com/care. WECARE Community Services www.wecare.org.sg Action for AIDS www.afa.org.sg

when he say he want you at that moment, he really mean it, after time passes by, he can't get the " happy " he want from you, he move on & say good bye, he is honest too, just too bad you can't accept the fact, you get dump again & again, so what you want next? forever love? when you grow older, you will know you hate a lot of things, yet you must still learn how to face it, that's is the price of growing up, cheers.

a long and passionate kiss... always gets me horny. all the time.

Joke: Filing Taxes A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, Ill need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I’m a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I’m a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I’m a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

Joke: Social Welfare Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask. The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

ask yourself, do you enjoy it eventually?

Golf Joke: No free lift A man and a lady golfer were betting and by the end of the first nine, it was obvious that the lady was no match for the man. Going into the second nine, the lady doubled the bet which the man agreed. At the end of eighteen holes the lady had lost both rounds. By then, it was getting dark and the lady suggested that they play a few more holes to judge her game. Obligingly, the man agreed. After teeing off, it was obvious that play would have to be halted due to the darkness. The man suggested that they walk back to the clubhouse for a drink and also to settle the bet which he had won. Being a lousy loser, the lady decided to have one last bet. Looking around, she noticed that there was nobody on the course. "Look" said the lady to the man. "We will have the last bet of the day with an additional of 100 dollars bonus if either of us should win." Being the winner, he did not want to be called a coward and so he agreed. "Let's see who will pee the furthest." Both agreed. The lady took out her pants and undo her knicker. Squatted down and she began. The man took the measurement and it measured a putter's length. After the lady finished dressing, the man began to unzip and with his right hand took out his prick to start. At this juncture, the lady said, "No free lift!"

Next time u on a bus, start talking to the empty sit besides u. So u will never be single and nobody will ask u to give up your sit.

Golf Joke: Golfing with Nuns A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"

Came across this ad today and I got to admit, it moved me. Somehow this song reminded me why I call this city home now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJzUxVKLgMk

hi am bimarried here. Seek other bi/married guys as sincere friends 1st (if any chemistry to be fun buddy that shall take 2nd priority)... from ave to fit to fit stocky guys are all ok. Not into too slim or chub guys just my preference. I'm 40/175/90/chn. Weight is on its way down as am gymming hard to lose weight and tone up (was 98kg 4mths ago). Hope to make some sincere friends in here. Cheers!

Joke: Tattoo Parlour A man walks into a tattoo parlour and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "Ill do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it." The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

well, if i'm with anyone who has a fetish for unis, i'd definitely be ok with lying in his bed with it, and slowly taking it off as we progress

haha i'm still in school, so i wear school uniforms 5 days in a week :D

Hope to know u....me stocky Chinese bi guy....in Skang...1.7 75 38yr....keen let me know how to contact u....