I realise a lot of AJ are single

[Guest Woah]

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

[Guest easysex]

sex is so easy from grindr and sauna, who want to settle down

[Guest Hello]

Why give up the whole forest for 1 tree ?

[Raveology]

1 hour ago, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

that is true.

But there's also a small percentage that wanna settle down tho. XD 

[Guest so?]

Being single is also considered settling down and what's wrong with that?   I have friends who are attached and already into long term relationship still find life unsettling.

[Guest Sigh]

1 hour ago, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

It seems that way.

 

But there are definitely some who respect themselves and don't want to fool around.

 

How to meet such a guy? No one knows for sure. Not on apps, BW, Instagram and saunas for sure.

[Guest guest]

Either it is difficult for AJ to find partner and settle down or those AJs who are still single are too ugly or fat or skinny that no one want?

[lean n mean]

Me thinks it's a case of everyone wanting the best but forgetting the best wants the best too.

[Garyl]

Why so many guests in this thread?

[nave]

Reality bites once u are “expired”

[Guest Guaaa]

1 hour ago, Guest guest said:

Either it is difficult for AJ to find partner and settle down or those AJs who are still single are too ugly or fat or skinny that no one want?

Actually you made a very good point here 

probably because we are much more superficial hence we have been looking for a partner of our dreams etc ?

[snowball]

3 hours ago, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

so are you also refer to those that are attached are desperate? there are always a reason to be or not to be

[Garyl]

10 minutes ago, snowball said:

so are you also refer to those that are attached are desperate? there are always a reason to be or not to be

Funny... A lot of guests . Ask and reply.

[West93]

It's not just restricted to AJs. Even straight people too. Nowadays more and more young adults are staying single for longer. Some for the reasons you mentioned (wanting to play and not settle down yet), but mostly also because of very real financial reasons or lack of personal space and time to have a healthy dating life (thanks to living with family at home). 

[eddyfai]

-

 

Edited March 21, 2024 by eddyfai

[Crispy96]

1 hour ago, eddyfai said:

Where. are. the. stats? 

same question popped up in my mind the moment I read the title

[Guest Fatty]

10 hours ago, Guest Sigh said:

It seems that way.

 

But there are definitely some who respect themselves and don't want to fool around.

 

How to meet such a guy? No one knows for sure. Not on apps, BW, Instagram and saunas for sure.

Here I am.

[tomcat]

 

My personal and honest opinion, based on related counselling cases and my own experience being in a 7 year relationship.

Just like straight people, the gay population is split into two - the extremes being those with low and high self-esteem.

 

The ones with low self-esteem tend to pull away from the scene. They either partake discreetly in the gay life,

meaning covert visits to saunas, or even this forum, or not at all. (although over time, the curiousity and loneliness gets the better of them)

A minority also partake in drug use, because it offers an escape. And since everything else is a closely guarded secret, why not this one too.
This group tend to have romantic but rigid notions of relationships.

The ones with high self-esteem are those you find more expressive about their identity as a gay person.
Not all are the club-going kind, but in general, they are more visible as gay people, whether in their representation or expression.

In no way this means effeminate, but just that they are open and comfortable with specific or all people knowing their orientation.

This group tends to be be more liberal and realistic about relationships, and their own desires, drug use, party lifestyle.

The first group will keep pining and hoping for their true love to come. Over time and as they age, they tend to become resigned,

or worse, become quite bitter as they feel like there is no point anymore in wishing and hoping.

The second group, just from overall observation of the community, will see a lot of random hookups, unfaithfulness and thus feel

like this is the norm too. So they either partake in the same or swear off relationships all together, opting for close friendships instead.

As mentioned, these are the extreme ends of the spectrum, there are many that exist somewhere in the middle.

But the over-arching reasons why most gays are single are:

1. unrealistic expectation of what a relationship is

2. rigid understanding of what a relationship can be

Even if one does manage to bag a boyfriend, it tends to not last based on the reasons above -

It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy until the individual gives up entirely, or has a breakthrough, be it mental or spiritual.

Although there is a small subset that choose to remain single,  it is often confounded with the reasons given above, 

and then, there is indeed a small group that is really contented being solo and see no drawback. I was in this group a few years myself,

until i eventually met the guy that end up my current partner.

my own personal reasons for staying single was after a disastrous first 2 yr relationship, I realised I needed some time to become

more mature, and also to learn to care about myself more, before I do the same for someone else. but in my overall view,

there are ample opportunities to share my joy, pain, struggles and success with my friends and family, that I did not feel anything

in my life was lacking because I did not have a partner. I stayed that way for about 5 years. 

But from the inside looking out, this subset is very very very very small. And often it comes with a defensive stance about why

people should be together in the first place. So on the surface it might look like all Singles are singles for the same reasons,

but the actions and intentions can sometimes give clues that the single life is not by choice at all.

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by tomcat

[Guest Talking About Singlehood]

Being in a relationship previously makes you see another side of you, perhaps the worse side that you didn't even know. Of course, that should not be the only side that you see of yourself from that relationship.

There are two paths ahead of you after exiting a relationship. One is to give less, build walls and become more cautious with loving the next person in line. The other is to give more, actively change yourself and make up for the areas that you were lacking of in the previous relationship.

Perhaps in the community here, more of us took the former than the latter path, and hence singlehood is more common.

[already]

Could it be the how the country perceive gay. If being perceived as criminals, not convenient to get attached and worst suffer from discrimination.

That is why a change in the law is important.

[Alponsu]

12 hours ago, lean n mean said:

Me thinks it's a case of everyone wanting the best but forgetting the best wants the best too.

This is deep! But seems correct

[Seungjun]

Most common reason many gays are single: unrealistic expectations.

 

Just waiting for perfect Prince Charming to randomly appear. Either that or they just prefer fucking around.

[LeanMature]

Everyone want someone better looking than himself.  Where does the buck stop ?

[mate69]

Just now, LeanMature said:

Everyone want someone better looking than himself.  Where does the buck stop ?

 

exactly

[Guest Too attached]

You guys are missing the reality part.

Imagine if you are a straight and can't have children. You probably won't decide to get married too.

What is the point of getting married without children.

For gays, there are also lack of family and cultural support.

Unfaithful gays are treated as norm, with no brother-in-law or father-in-law to beat us up even if we stray. hehe

 

However, there is a group, me belonging, who enjoys devoting our lives to someone. We enjoy a partnered relationship to share and support one another.

Fidelity is beautiful when the relationship is young and needs nurturing. In the end, Trust and Kinship is what keeps us together. ^ -^

[Alponsu]

20 minutes ago, Guest Too attached said:

You guys are missing the reality part.

Imagine if you are a straight and can't have children. You probably won't decide to get married too.

What is the point of getting married without children.

For gays, there are also lack of family and cultural support.

Unfaithful gays are treated as norm, with no brother-in-law or father-in-law to beat us up even if we stray. hehe

 

However, there is a group, me belonging, who enjoys devoting our lives to someone. We enjoy a partnered relationship to share and support one another.

Fidelity is beautiful when the relationship is young and needs nurturing. In the end, Trust and Kinship is what keeps us together. ^ -^

 

I don't think having a brother-in-law or father-in-law to beat an unfaithful partner (gay or straight) counts as family or cultural support to stop people from straying. Like you said it is a matter of devotion and fidelity.

 

[lonelyglobe]

14 hours ago, Guest guest said:

Either it is difficult for AJ to find partner and settle down or those AJs who are still single are too ugly or fat or skinny that no one want?

Actually not true, a grade D will try to find someone to settle down, a grade A also easier to find someone but sometime they insist only finding another grade A or nothing...the real problem is those grade B and C, they refuse to downgrade their expectation but those higher grade also dont want them, to conclude a lot single actually fall under grade B and C.

1 hour ago, Seungjun said:

Most common reason many gays are single: unrealistic expectations.

 

Just waiting for perfect Prince Charming to randomly appear. Either that or they just prefer fucking around.

Yap, a lot of wierd ones with wierd expectations....

[Garyl]

1 hour ago, Guest Too attached said:

You guys are missing the reality part.

Imagine if you are a straight and can't have children. You probably won't decide to get married too.

What is the point of getting married without children.

For gays, there are also lack of family and cultural support.

Unfaithful gays are treated as norm, with no brother-in-law or father-in-law to beat us up even if we stray. hehe

 

However, there is a group, me belonging, who enjoys devoting our lives to someone. We enjoy a partnered relationship to share and support one another.

Fidelity is beautiful when the relationship is young and needs nurturing. In the end, Trust and Kinship is what keeps us together. ^ -^

Thats gd to know.. 

[lonelyglobe]

2 hours ago, Guest Too attached said:

You guys are missing the reality part.

Imagine if you are a straight and can't have children. You probably won't decide to get married too.

What is the point of getting married without children.

For gays, there are also lack of family and cultural support.

Unfaithful gays are treated as norm, with no brother-in-law or father-in-law to beat us up even if we stray. hehe

 

However, there is a group, me belonging, who enjoys devoting our lives to someone. We enjoy a partnered relationship to share and support one another.

Fidelity is beautiful when the relationship is young and needs nurturing. In the end, Trust and Kinship is what keeps us together. ^ -^

I m not too sure about this, even if sg today legalised gay marriages, how many really want to get married? How many really want to have children?

[tomcat]

2 hours ago, Guest Too attached said:

However, there is a group, me belonging, who enjoys devoting our lives to someone. We enjoy a partnered relationship to share and support one another.

I realised this about myself too - having put myself through uni & graduated, which was my sole focus for single bachelor years - I realised that the speed and optimisation of my life (health, travel, finance, planning) can be improved by having a partner. sometimes being a single is taxing, get drained of Time and Energy very fast. 

my first inkling that I was ready to have a partner, was when I was travelling either for leisure or work, and often, something interesting would happen, then realised that there was noone to share it with - to share with friends or family would be a bit strange and disruptive, so I realised within myself that there was an opening or space to invite another person in.

even then, i didn't really actively search, but it happened anyway. i think today, everything is easier having a life partner. we meet after work, gym, swim or have a rest day, have dinner, do grocery shopping, reach home, prep our lunch for tomorrow, enjoy a movie together and then sleep. weekends are for resting, gymming, spend time visiting my parents with him, do meal prep, laundry. 

because of the teamwork, it makes these evening activities possible. We split the duties and get them done in half the time, which means more time to spend together. because of my disastrous first relationship, i am very grateful and blessed to have what i have today. it doesnt come easily, we still need streamlining and refinement, but we both understand that we are together for the long haul. 

 

[tomcat]

10 minutes ago, lonelyglobe said:

I m not too sure about this, even if sg today legalised gay marriages, how many really want to get married? How many really want to have children?

the only reason my partner and i are not interested in marriage is because we don't have the same rights as straight couples in Singapore.

rights to housing, medical, decision-making laws, assets, etc etc

because we know we are committed to each other for life, our family and friends know as well - there is no need for a self-serving dramatic event or announcement.

 

once Singapore recognises the marriage and is ready to step up by then treating the people involved in that union equally, then MAYBE we will consider.
 

to be honest, gay men have been adopting kids to raise as their own for decades. just the recent case has been very high profile because of the biological loophole. 

 

I know of three gay men who have adopted - often these are children from age 1yr onwards. the kids are now 10-15 years old. 

 

 

 

Edited January 17, 2019 by tomcat

[Guest Glyph]

Saw the title and am like, there's no straight folks  who're single meh? Must be every week wanna go geylang kio kueh so stay single meh?

 

People need to start having some faith in their own community man. And I may be exaggerating here but half of the guys who are really promiscuous aren't -considerate- enough to stay single. Just think about it.

[sum1outhere_03]

hmm disclaimer at first: this is just my thoughts so dun put me in the top list of annoying people  

 

I'm not sure if it's just me - or we may have been having the wrong concept of "relationship" (have we been brainwashed by the media?) - to have a partner with good bod, good looks, great sex... I myself guilty as charged for expecting one too - even I prolly failed at the first two already, am I having to high an expectation to dream of having all the 3 listed mention qualities?

 

Dunno if culture also plays a part in mostly singles in our community as well - although there are some cases here of stable, loving relationships. Most of us probably come from a traditional family, regardless of race. I would bet that most in our circles are probably still in the closet, having the thought of "what if my parents found out?" With this in mind - most of us in this community probably also do not have many friends in this circle, hence an even smaller chance of getting one. And we're probably too shy to say hi even if we ever meet one  

 

For me personally - I have even read the thread on the "success cases" of people whom have found love - of which, a little unbelievably (although I don't doubt fate) that some of the folks found them in saunas...

 

While all the above points may seem like excuse, perhaps, we need a little help from above?  

 

[kennethchung]

u mean ugly and fat ones? good ones are all taken

[Steve5380]

On 1/17/2019 at 12:19 AM, tomcat said:

the only reason my partner and i are not interested in marriage is because we don't have the same rights as straight couples in Singapore.

rights to housing, medical, decision-making laws, assets, etc etc
 

 

I agree.  The main reason for a gay couple to marry is to gain the benefits that married couples enjoy.

Me and my long term partner could have married recently, but there was no benefit in this.  On the contrary, we would have become responsible for the high health care costs of his disability, that thanks to his low income as single were fully paid by the government. 

[auri]

11 hours ago, kennethchung said:

u mean ugly and fat ones? good ones are all taken

ha ha... totally agree

 

the good ones are all taken

but they are mostly still available for hookups

[Guest Blank]

It isn't easy to find someone you like, and that someone likes you back in return.

 

Because of this reason, many many aj are still single...

[Guest Yes/No]

On 1/16/2019 at 7:30 PM, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

You are asking question that is difficult to answer.  It was like saying butterflies are blue  because of what you have observed.

[fab]

Many straight singles out there too. More people see that there's no need to have selfish motives of children taking care of parents at old age. Henceforth, more singles now.

 

Nothing to do with orientation actually.

[Guest Guest]

On 1/16/2019 at 7:30 PM, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

Gay 的本性就是 want sex sex sex.

Even if settle,  还是会 go out sex with other men. 

 

[auscent]

Part of the reason Im single, I suspect, is to take care of my parents better. Plus Im alone but not really lonely. Just the way it is!

[koolkai]

On 1/16/2019 at 7:30 PM, Guest Woah said:

Is it true that most AJ’s are not ready to settle down and still wanna play around?

 

Yes, partly that is the reason especially for the younger members but it is also an uphill task to find a partner. 

[Guest hot]

40 minutes ago, koolkai said:

 

Yes, partly that is the reason especially for the younger members but it is also an uphill task to find a partner. 

 

rather i think it's up to individual whether they want to settle down with a partner.

a lot of hot gay instagrammers are single. They can connect to each other to start relationship with good looks and body but still choose to be single

[son4dads]

married are single at hearts

[Guest Rocky Hard]

11 hours ago, Guest hot said:

 

rather i think it's up to individual whether they want to settle down with a partner.

a lot of hot gay instagrammers are single. They can connect to each other to start relationship with good looks and body but still choose to be single

Wrong!!!!

 

Because they know "good look" is not permanent (on themselves and other people), and they don't want to take the chance.  In a real world, good hearted people don't have much of a good look and was rejected,  In reality, good looking people are not necessarily good people.   Instead of choosing between a rock and a hard place, people chose to be single to avoid dilemna.

[omoboy]

sed

[fab]

Singlehood beats wronglihood. 

[Imevan]

Stay single until the right one appears. Hard to trust people nowadays. 

[repressednerd]

Depends on the individual character. Personally, I am quite the free spirit so I find romantic relationships quite taxing, having gone through a bunch of them. I rather spend my time with books than interacting with people. And if I have to interact with people, I like the acquaintance type of relationship since that is easy on the mind.

[Guest pointers]

But if you visit the apps, so many guys long for a bf and ltr.

When I meet my gay friends for a coffee (now on conference call), they always tell me they are desperate to look for a bf. They never leave out the possibility to be in a relationship sooner or later. One friend already prepared his HDB flat to accommodate a bf. It is so funny when we are at his place and he tells us all this.

 

But here in Singapore, I see many guys who say they want a bf but their own lifestyle is not made for having a relationship. They are scared to be seen with another guy in public, scared of some relatives asking "Oh, I saw you last week at the Coffee Beans at Orchard, was that guy your colleague?" scared about this, scared about that, they grow old and forgot for a relationship cannot go on the individual life as before, in the end just can't cope being with a bf and end up single again.

 

My other concern is sex. Honestly, most of us have their own style for finding a sex partner and to try many different dishes. But most often they fail to talk straight with their bf in the making about these things. Frustrations will start, one wanted monogamous and is not happy when knowing the supposed to be bf had fun with another guy. or how to cool down the sex life you enjoyed before. I don't think, once you are above 30 , you can change your sexual lifestyle and maybe even need the thrill for cruising or sauna.

But how many talk about this early in a relationship. It is then like 2 ships colliding soon. Better to start talking about such sex issues at early time, before it is too late.

 

The last point: Many guys are just not realistic on their bf. Just expect to much, good looks, gym bod, big tool, talkative, knowledgeable (list can go on).

Those who have been in relationships will find out, mostly it was not the beauty and looks that kept you tight together, but many other factors. The guys want a bf, but with their high conditions and expectations would there ever be a match?