The Cloud Diary- 白云日记☁

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 06号 星期四 阴

 

Dear Cloud, ET was prompted by his FB that he wrote the following on new year's day 7 years ago in 2015. He wondered what was on his mind back then. 

 

日夕照大地 辽阔似海宁
无言对岸平 莫然又叹惜
惜喜盼宁静 听闻人哭泣
招慕盼团聚 无缘对岸泣

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 09号 星期日 热

 

Dear Cloud, its the 9th day into a new 2022. No nicotine, no alcohol and a minimal increase of caffeine intake. Over these few days, ET was listening and reading to various predications via the East and West interpretations. He gathered that 2022 will be a challenging and surmounting year for him yet there will be benefactors cum enemies (BE) that comes along to support and tarnish ET in the process as well, respectively. Cloud, ET always find such predictions very intriguing and of course one can explain that its either law of attractions or self-fulfilling prophecies. There is also a Hokkien song that explained 30% is in accordance to heaven's will, 70% is hard work. However, ET begs to differ, of all he has been through, in his humble opinion, the only prediction or history he can write to effect a genuine change is dependable solely 100% by himself (is ET in a mania or hypomania mode now?) Hmmmmm.

 

ET once overheard someone said the helping and healthcare sectors are actually the ones who perpetuated their clients' / patients' problems so to explain their existences. Will Psychology, Psychiatrist, Social Work, Counselling and other establishments go extinct one day? ET thinks that so long as there are imperfections in men, these sectors will continue to strive and exist, except or perhaps the demand will be lesser as years passes. 

 

ET also hopes that the human race will start to think of more naturalistic ways of looking at healings and recoveries instead of being dependable heavily on medications and supplements. Lately ET knew of a few of his contacts, associates and their friends diagnosed with cancers at different stages. He cannot support them much but to pray for them, hopefully the diagnosed person can empathize and reconcile within their psychological parts (with regards to IFS) and move on living their life to their fullest, doing the Ikigai that they enjoy. With these basic two foundational pillars, ET believes they will be able to cushion their challenges and ultimately reconcile with their deaths eventually.

 

ET feels that since the mainstream sees mental illnesses as a chronic illnesses, equivalent to diabetic and high blood pressure, can it be seen as cancer at different stages as well? Or in fact mental illnesses has different stages too and one can out grown from it without any medications or other therapies i.e. ECT at the end of the day?

 

Cloud, how about another PEACE abbreviation model for this? 

 

Stage 1 Posture / Positioning

Stage 2 Eclectic  

Stage 3 Agile 

Stage 4 Compassion

Stage 5 Empathy

 

OK, ET starts to flip white eye (FWE) 🙄

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 11号 星期二 凉

 

Dear Cloud, ET had a terrible headache yesterday. Its his non medication day and he also refrained from any caffeine intake. And he wondered if there is anything to do with that.  Adapting a Chinese saying of "祸从口出/入" he reviewed what he ate for the past 2 days and potentially may have found the culprit that causes this headache episode. In any case for most ailments it's either accumulated stress, poor sleep hygiene and unhealthy dietary. Thus he was reminded that he has to seriously adopt a healthier lifestyle moving on. And one thing for sure, ET hasn't been visiting his family physician for the past 2yrs for other major ailments. The last one was when there was a suspected Covid19 issue but he was merely asymptomatic. Ok ET is going to start another brand new day with new tasks and assignments to work on.  Jia you ET!

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 12号 星期三 凉

 

Dear Cloud ET is feeling much better and settled. That headache and giddiness stop and he managed to do some chores in the entire day plus going for his usual park bath. ET tried to slow down his pace as he walked and he realised that there were so many flowers blooming compared to his previous visits. He also tried to be sensitive to the environment he is in, observed the flora and fauna more. These helped him to recharge especially when he sensed his energy is depleting. A daily dose of forest/park bathe, definitely useful for ET holistic well being. He is also thinking when is a good period for him to pick up driving again. He seems to be procrastinating but that's the usual him especially towards things that are secondary to ET. 

 

ET also sensed alot of opportunities awaits for him. He has to apply wisdom and discernment on how to proceed on with that peace in his mind. He knew that if there were pauses or hesitations, he need to do a mental SWOT in his head. Fending his own rice bowl is definitely challenging but ET is still glad he has yet to spiral into a situation he is stuck. So far so good. Most importantly to ensure that he is able find time and space for himself. ET recently came across on a video on summary book narration on the potential self healing (no English subtitles), he finds it insightful to use energy as a primary source of healing.

 

https://fb.watch/auHpWxysEF/ 

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 16号 星期日 热

 

Dear Cloud, ET is trying to figure out what went wrong with his physical health for the past 3 days. All he knows was the sensation akin to a hangover return on his 2nd week ish of his weaning off of meds and its on his medicated days. ET tried the caffeine treatment by diluting his kopi o kosong and try to rest like how he would rest for his migraines. As ET is allergic to painkillers, he is unable to take panadols or what not.  He has to close his eyes and be in a dark environment and lied down keeping his breathing calmly for the next 60mins or more. Best if it is of a quieter environment as well. Today is his non med day. Let's see how is he going to respond tomorrow. Other than that ET is managing fine and he is able to do some grocery shopping for the upcoming CNY that falls on 01 Feb. Could it be ET brain chemical imbalance that is of the culprit? More wisdom and discernment are needed for this Cloud, ET feels that it is not as easy as it seems to be.

 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

@2355hrs 

Memories of what had happened to ET 7 years ago seems to return in tsunamis but he is glad he has since made peace and at peace now. A major milestone indeed. And this song came to his mind. 

 

街角的祝福

作词：戴佩妮
作曲：戴佩妮
编曲：戴佩妮/陈达伟
演唱：戴佩妮

多少个秋　多少个冬　我几乎快要被治愈好
但还是会只因为一个重复的话题　就无心自扰

也曾想过　若真遇见　我们应该如何是好
我想我还是会还站在某一个街角　不让你看到

只因为我不想打扰　只因为怕你解释不了
只因为现在你的眼睛里　她比我还重要

我只好假装我看不到　看不到你和她在对街拥抱
你的快乐　我可以感受得到　这样的见面方式对谁都好
我只好假装我听不到　听不到别人口中的她好不好
再不想问　也不想被通知到　反正你的世界我管不了

若不想问　若不想被通知到　就把祝福　留在街角

 

 

Edited January 18, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 18号 星期二 凉

 

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 20号 星期四 慢慢地热

 

Dear Cloud, ET hangover headache seems to have subsided after his last entry. He also started his every 2 days med regime on the 17 Jan. Hopefully all things will run smoothly. Cloud ET felt that he is beginning to rant lesser in his head and heart which is better for his soul. What causes the shift? Guess it's his pursuance of peace. Lately he received lots of WhatsApp messages that talk about happiness. He wonders if that is "the thing" he wish to pursue. He would always be reminded by his ex pastor who spoke about the importance of peace. In ET opinion, it is just like a piece of the last piece of the missing puzzle that makes up the full picture. With peace, be it in times of adversities or what not, he can enjoy the rest as it comes along... but without peace he will not enjoy the positive yet negative in life. Its akin health vs wealth. Without health no one can enjoys his or her wealth. ET hopes that he will soon find like minded individuals who are peace seekers.... regardless of which situation the person is in.  

Edited January 22, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 26号 星期三 慢慢地....

 

Dear Cloud, ET has been busy-ing preparing for CNY 2022. He recalled last year he was seriously under the weather, trying to maintain a composure that he is well after he started withdrawing from his nicotine and alcohol. As ET reflected, he felt that his physical body was experiencing a double blow impact, having to cope and regulate two substances that provides the dopamine to his brain. Hence once this dopamine was deprived or dropped significantly, darkness over loom the light. Of course, these are ET hypothesis and he is no medical experts in all these and also not well read in area, it is all base on his gut feel. 

 

ET's room spring cleaning was done terribly, so this year he has to pull up his socks and ensure that he is able to discard those unwanted items in which he termed it as "rubbish". It is always easy to tell others "Hey! They are just rubbish, just let them go and if one always keeps the old ones, the news are unable to come into our lives" Yes Cloud, as easy said as it is, but when it comes to ET, he realized that he is subconsciously hoarding on these few rubbishes in his life as well (or is it too obvious?) and they are:

 

1) Physical items i.e. books, past educational notes 

2) Electronics i.e. smartphone galleries and last but not least

3) Physiological and Emotional (need ET to explain further? He doubted so)

 

And yes Cloud, the third one is the most challenging to discard them away. ET has been managing them by compartmentalizing his rubbish in the past but with little success and worse it might have perpetuated his already worsen situation. As he matured and experienced more life adversities within such short frame of time cum high intensities, he began to realize something.... not that compartmentalization is a bad way of resolving his challenges but he feels that there are more wiser ways to execute it.

 

ET often said that there are no right and wrong, good or bad in this world but how he can be more discerning and plus being- Wise, Wiser and the Wisest. Now as you can see it Cloud, ET is challenging the past beliefs and values he once held dear to or being imparted or imposed upon (Oops). Let this journey of ownself challenge ownself begins. If ET is able to survive for the next 40 yrs. He will use all his 40yrs to do that. That will be his life mission.... however his basic building block or fundamental still stands, that is.... PEACE. And ET is still on his journey.... in search for the seekers of peace. 

 

PS: ET's med wean off challenge went on well thus far, he has been drinking flower tea and Milo instead as a replacement of high caffeine beverages.

Edited January 25, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 28号 星期五 慢慢地....

 

Dear Cloud, yesterday was ET med day and the next one will be on the 30th the 2nd, then 5th and 8th. He is trying to wean off his meds currently and like most undesirable habits its wiser to wean it off gradually instead of cold turkey it. So far so good for him and he has experienced lesser migraines or handover headaches. If all goes well, ET will be totally off his meds on the 16th June 2022. A date that he is looking forward to, it looks like an auspicious number as well... 1606 or 0616, maybe he can buy 4D or Toto with that.

 

ET has been listening to his Astrology forecast for the next 6 months as well. His sun sign and ascendant signs spoke dearly to him. Of course anything in between he has to make decisions after decisions on the next route he is going to take. ET believes that destiny lies on his own hands yet at the same time he respects and unable to ignore how the Universe functions in its signs and wonders. So the PEACE compass in him has to direct him in a way that he has to be wiser in navigating the current ecological systems that he is currently threading. There will be upcoming overseas opportunities as well for him, something he is highly anticipating. So this 2022 will be a year where ET going to follow his readings and forecast pretty closely. It will be interesting to see how ET navigates his situation in accordance to that. 

 

LNY eve is in 3 days time, ET has completed most of his chores and tasks on hand. He is also glad that he has the permission to discard some of his parent's old physical items away. In fact he is surprised when his mum told him last night that she will leave the decision for him to do anything he wants while spring cleaning because she is getting tired of all these chores. ET choose to believe that his mum's decision is a good sign, a step forward to be less domineering and controlling.... the ability for her to relinquish. Cloud, ET mum still keeps the fridge that is of same age as him..... a 43+ yo fridge. ET will never be able to empathize why his mum did like to keep that but he understood by the logic that the fridge was bought with his parent's hard earned money and the purchase was made within her last trimester before he was born. So has ET "mild hoarding" behaviors inherited from his parents? Yes Cloud he did like to think so. And he is mindful of it as well as he is trying his very best to relinquish..... 🙂 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 29号 星期六 慢慢地....

 

Are humans somewhat hoarders in their life

DSM 5 stated is an infirmity of the mind

Depends on the hoarding intensity?

One risk can be assessed as a low medium high?

 

Humans kept mostly old items with all of their might

Some choose to hide others "showcase them as a prize"

Was it a protest of the....

Inability to relinquish their rights? 

Or that ever changing controlling fixated mind?

 

Living in this world of vices and lies

One could not be more than amazed

By how the others have survived 

All that faun, freeze, fight or flight 

 

Perhaps the ability to hold all parts together 

It's the true spirit of why a person hoards

But the world sees it as an infirmity of the mind

Should it be debunk as nothing but a lie?

 

ET 

29.01.2022

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 30号 星期日 慢慢地....

 

Dear Cloud, ET tries to wake up earlier nowadays instead of his usual timing. It's time to instill some discipline in him. He will try his best to wake up between 5am and 7am, complete the necessity task for the day then to nature bath or briskwalk in the evening. He is also thinking of he should invest on a foldable bicycle especially the sector he stayed is well connected and extremely bicycle friendly. And recently he saw an advertisement on FB, a ktv set for $999. ET was tempted, it has been awhile since he sang in ktv settings. He hopes the ktv open soon so that he can save that $999 and buy something that's is of more practical. 

 

Metaverse and NFT have been much talked about lately. Perhaps ET may start to think how these will ultimately has an impact on him. He wonder if this can be one of the indicators that his forecast is asking him to embark on. Crtypo, Metaverse and now NFTs, the Air era will be an exciting one. The earth era seems dying, the fact that property market still stands because of how government policies and buyers high purchase power/interest. Will this rocket high sakes numbers be an oasis, an illustration of what going to become worst? 

 

Cloud, ET always believe what he sees via his naked eyes on the ground. Businesses closing down, more retail shops were left vacant. Are these an indicator of something again. How can these spaces created be of good use socially? ET hopes to see what more sleeping, resting, breathing spaces akin what they have in Japan. ie. sleeping capsules or some services that are beneficial to one's holistic wellbeing. Because its always holistic wellbeing comes first before anything else isn't it, Cloud?

 

Ok there's no 30th day on the Lunar calender this year and for the next 5yrs. Something interesting astrologically. ET has been busy helping out with chores and tasks what not for the past few weeks. He hopes to get some rest over the LNY. Ok... time for breakfast. Have a good day ahead Cloud!

 

Credit: https://www.channelnewsasia.com/singapore/nft-non-fungible-tokens-opportunities-risks-singapore-creators-focus-2397706?cid=telegram_cna_social_28112017_cna

 

"HERE TO STAY?

As with any new technology, Novum Alpha’s Mr Tan believes there will be “a hype cycle”. 
“You’ll find no shortage of (people) who proclaim NFTs are the next gift to technology. No, they're not. They are still works in progress and there will be some degree of evolution that will be required before we get there.”
But their potential is crystal clear, as society increasingly flirts with the “metaverse” – or virtual world.
Mr Tan noted that the concept of physical ownership is already not as prized as it once was, which will fuel the acceptance of digital assets.
NFTAsia’s Mr Liu agreed that NFTs are here to stay, though the realm will evolve. For one, valuations may not stay this high forever.
“In my personal opinion, the prices that some collectibles are selling at are unsustainable. Over time, as more creators, people come in, prices might taper off into a more accessible level.”
The wide-ranging use cases for NFT technology will also continue to grow, said Mr Liu, citing an example such as tokenising concert tickets to verify them and root out scams.
For now, the NFT artists are enjoying their time in the sun. For Mr Hafiiz, who started making art as a hobby, the windfall is simply a bonus.
“As long as I sell, I’m happy. To be honest, as an artist, that 100 people bought my work in a day, I’m over the moon ... I guess it just really validates my skill and artistry.”
Mr Farizwan also added that the biggest takeaway is belonging to such a like-minded online community with whom he can have deep discussions. 
“It feels very empowering in that sense because this (culture) is something so new … I feel that we have the opportunity to shape it the way we want it to be. I think that's the most valuable thing.”
“Even if NFTs don’t stand the test of time, I’m more precious about the relationships I’ve made, the people I’ve met.”

Edited June 7, 2023 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

@0815hrs

 

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 1月 31号 星期一 凉

 

Dear Cloud, ET finally settled down for the night. He is tired yet fulfilled. ET stood by the stove periodically this morning to steal some glances as his dad cooked. His dad made a point to impart some of his cooking tips to ET, he listened attentively as his dad passed down the cooking tips to him. Unlike the conventional families, ET dad helms the kitchen, it is pretty rare for his generation because mums are often the ones who cooks. ET looked on and what he saw was once a young man who stood by the stove to cook for his family till he enters into maturity and still invests his heart and soul for the family ensuring his loved ones are all well fed. ET feels blissful, he hopes that he will achieved two thirds of his dad skills and competence in cooking and he is definitely learning to be one. : )

 

This year ET did something different, he requested for the yushen to be prepared on the 2nd and 7th day of the Lunar New Year instead. ET also choose to stay in his room now to listen to the radio till he enters his slumber land instead of watching the counting down show on Channel 8.... that time and space that are much needed for ET after all the catching up, washing and packing up. Cloud, ET is thankful for his dad, mum, sister, niece and his closer friends. May they continue to enjoy health, peace and prosperity in the upcoming lunar year of the tiger. ET will see you tomorrow morning. Peace! 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 02号 星期三 热 Med Count-down:  5600mg

 

Dear Cloud, ET had completed all his chores today and he is now on a long bus ride "to nowhere". This is what he will do most of the time when he feels he needs to recharge, chill and lone time. He took the bus route that he rarely travel at night..... admiring the night scene along the way as he travels. He chose this bus route also because there are buses along the way he can hop onto just in case he changes his mind and decides to do a de/reroute.

 

That's life isn't it Cloud, as much as a person embarks on a known journey there are still times when one needs to decide if this route is truly meant for him.... and it is up to the person to practise flexibility and be agile to change route to assimilate the ocurrences this person is currently in. ET is in this nonsensical contemplative mode now (the professionals may deem it as spurts of hypomania??).

 

A few things had happened over the past two weeks and it made ET feels wanted yet he tell himself to continue to be humble and explain his limitations no matter what instead of being the yes gay all the time. He is still unsure if that's the wise way to put it but time will reveal... even to the people that he is going to collaborate with potentially. Anyway ET is not going to think and feel too much at this juncture. He alighted from the bus he first boarded and off he boarded the second bus.....another new route that he rarely takes from the particular bus stop. Life is an adventure and he is enjoying the "Here and Now". Good night Cloud, may ET ends his night well. 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 03号 星期 热 Med Count-down:  5600mg

 

Dear Cloud, ET went into deep sleep and had a good rest after that long haul bus ride last night. Looks like that ride is a natural sleeping pill for him. Along the journey, a song came into his mind, though its LNY but it was a song ET listened to during his Christian walk with God. If there is someday.... someday.....

 

Someday

Chloë Agnew

 

Someday, when we are wiser,
When the worlds older,
When we have learned...
I pray someday we may yet,
Live to live and to let live.

Someday, life will be fairer,
Need will be rarer,
And greed will not pay.
Godspeed this bright millenia,
On its way, let it come someday.

Someday, our fight will be won and,
We'll stand in the sun in,
That bright afternoon...
'Til then, on days when the sun,
Is gone, we'll hang on,
If we wish upon the moon.

There are some days, dark and bitter,
Seems we haven't got a prayer,
But a prayer for something better,
Is the one thing we all share.

Someday, when we are wiser,
When the whole world is older,
When we have learned,
And I pray, someday we may yet,
Live to live and oneday, someday...
Someday, life will be fairer,
Need will be rarer,
And greed will not pay.

Godspeed, this bright millenia,
Let it come,
If we wish upon the moon...

One day, someday... soon.

 

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Dave Fury / Dean Fowler

Someday lyrics © Walt Disney Music Company, Wonderland Music Co. Inc., Wonderland Music Company Inc., Wonderland Music Company Inc

 

 

[amuse.ed]

**Last edited: 06.02.2022 at 5.15pm**

 

2022年 02月 05号 星期六 热 Med Count-down:  5400mg

 

*Content mentioned of self cut, kindly read at your own discretion.

 

Dear Cloud, it will be ET's med day tonight another 200mg of med in his body system. ET has always been praying that the the chemicals of the med would be expelled from his body system but he knew its tougher for him. The cravings, the weight increases and the mind fogging are the side effects of him to taking the med. Of course, there are naturalistic remedies out there that ET has explored i.e. ikigai, mother nature, Astrology, philosophies, music, movies, singing, exercising are just some of the many ways he used to overcome his "mental illness" and maintains his mental wellness. Its challenging but he strongly believes that he can make it. Cloud, ET drank some alcohol the other day at a gathering. He woke up the next day, felt that familiar hangover. Yes that stretching pain was familiar, reminded ET that he was still kicking and alive. Its abit like self cut. The pain has reminded oneself that he or she is still alive, its just that the medium, source and outcome are different. 

 

Alcohol

 

Alcohol you made one life came to halt

Yet human love you

You made them somehow "feel secure"

Or could it be just a delusion that need to do a major overhaul

 

Whiskey, Brandy, Vodka and Sake

Just to name a few

Not forgetting there are beers too

They came in various shades of colors just like our fruits

 

Alcohol, you are just like a lover, barely separatable

There are even groups that named you "in your honour"

Aren't you proud of yourself Alcohol?

Millions of people fell all over you

 

Perhaps you have seen it all

The joy, the pain and the awed

What else have you not seen Alcohol?

Perhaps a man trying his very best to wean you off?  

 

Bless that man well Alcohol.... it certainly takes "alot of balls" 

Just to say NO to "The Waterfall"

Alcohol, you are lurking everywhere

Bringing much pain to people on their head the next day

 

Drink responsibly, Drink don't drive they said

But how many of the humans out there can do that

There are many of them wanting to get out from that pitfall

With their cries blatantly ignored

 

Kindly spare the humans, Alcohol....  

 

ET

05.02.2022

Edited February 6, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 07号 星期一 雨 / 凉 Med Count-down:  5400mg

 

 

 

 

落叶归根

 

作词：邝裕民
作曲：邝裕民

举头望 无尽灰云
那季节 叫做寂寞
背包 塞满了家用
路就 这样开始走
日不见 太阳的暖
夜不见 月光的蓝
不得不 选择 寒冷的开始
留下 只拥有 遗憾

命运 的 安排
遵守 自然 的逻辑
谁都 无法 揭谜底

喔～ 远离家乡 不胜唏嘘 幻化成秋夜
而我却像 落叶归根 坠在你心间
几分忧郁 几分孤单 都心甘情愿
我的爱像 落叶归根
家 唯独在你身边

但愿陪你找回
所遗失的永恒
当我开口你却沉默
只剩一场梦

我却像 落叶归根 坠在你心间
几分忧郁 几分孤单 都心甘情愿
我的爱像 落叶归根
家 唯独在你身边

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 08号 星期二 凉 Med Count-down:  5200mg

 

Dear Cloud, ET has these six songs at different touch points in relation to X and him.... some his favourite some was shared between the both of them..... from the beginning when ET first met X.... that shattered news when ET was rejected.. till when ET has a closure of the entire episode that brought him much peace. He felt that its time to share with you. He knew that X will neither get to read you nor listen to these songs... he may even never know your existence Cloud.

 

The first..... year 2002.... that night when ET first met X.  They sang "God Will Make A Way"...... as one of their worship songs in their cell group....

 

 

God Will Make a Way 

 

God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

 

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way
 

Oh, God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

 

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

 

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
Rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade but His Word will still remain
And He will do something new today

 

Oh, God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me

 

He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

 

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Don Moen

God Will Make a Way lyrics © Integrity's Hosanna Music, Integrity's Hosanna! Music, Streetvoice International Limited

Edited February 7, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 09号 星期三 凉 Med Count-down:  5200mg

 

The second song Still....... ET and X stood side by side back then in the church worship service. ET took a glance at X and saw him teared whilst they sang this song at the worship service. ET didn't asked X much back then why he teared but choose to pray silently for X in hope that the creator will resolve his challenges ultimately.... and the creator did.

 

2003.......

 

 

Still

Hide me now 

Under Your wings

Cover me

Within Your mighty hand

 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

 

Find rest, my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father, You are king over the flood
I will be still, know You are God

 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm (oh, I will)
Father, You are king over the flood
And I will be still, know You are God

 

My God, Lord yeah
My God, Lord
Oh, You are my God
My God, my God, yeah

Oh Jesus
Oh Jesus, oh Jesus
Oh Jesus
Oh Lord

 

Find rest, my soul
In Christ alone, oh yeah
Know His power
In quietness and trust

 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm (oh, yes I will)
Father, You are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father, You are King over the flood (let me sing, You're God)

I will be still, know You are God

Oh yes, You are, oh yes, You are
Oh-whoa, oh God

 

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Otis / Liggins

Still lyrics © Hillsong Publishing

Edited February 9, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 10号 星期四 雨天 凉 Med Count-down:  5200mg

 

Dear Cloud, Intermission...... year 2006.......nothing to do with X, just one of ET favourite songs for that season of his life. Perhaps..... it was a reflection that resonated with ET's past hetrosexual relationships prior to his coming out. Only his last ex-girlfriend knew about his sexual orientation back then.  The rest of the two are now happily married with kids in which ET is happy for them.  

 

And since its raining season now...... might as well share. 

 

 

 

作词：小寒
作曲：李伟菘

 

站在十字路的交点

该怎么走 我却只想回头

除了你给的伞 我再也没有
别的借口 去拥有你的什么

你能体谅我有雨天 偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些 大雨落下的瞬间 我突然发现
谁能体谅我的雨天 所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步会慢一些 如此坚决 你却越来越远

牵手和分手来自同一双手

作回朋友 我却悔恨不懂挽留

你能体谅我有雨天 偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些 大雨落下的瞬间 我突然发现
谁能体谅我的雨天 所以情愿回你身边
此刻脚步会慢一些 如此坚决 你却越来越远

是否太晚 路已走远 我的眼眶泪太满 走不回你身边

你能体谅我有雨天 偶尔胆怯你都了解
过去那些 大雨落下的瞬间 我突然发现
谁能体谅 我的雨天
此刻脚步会慢一些 如此坚决 你却越来越远

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 11号 星期五 雨天 凉 Med Count-down:  5000mg

 

Dear Cloud, the third song 我愿意. ET recalled that he supposed to do a love confession to his ex girlfriend using this song at an event. X was supposed to render support. Both ET and X spoke over the phone a few times on how this could be executed but deep down ET's heart..... he wished that he could sing this song to X instead.

 

The love confession plan was ultimately aborted with ET doing a private one-one instead.

 

In retrospect, this was just the start of a series of ongoing challenges ET had to face in his love relationship with his ex-girlfriend (whom could potentially be his wife). Both of them broke up in the end.... the reasons back then.... ET finally decided to face his true self and was still very much holding a torch for X. 

 

 

 

我愿意

 

作词：姚谦
作曲：黄国伦
编曲：张亚东

思念是一种很玄的东西 如影随行
无声又无息出没在心底 转眼吞没我在寂寞里
我无力抗拒特别是夜里 想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即朝你狂奔去 大声的告诉你

愿意为你 我愿意为你 我愿意为你 忘记我姓名
就算多一秒停留在你怀里 失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你 我愿意为你 我愿意为你 被放逐天际
只要你真心 拿爱与我回应 什么都愿意 什么都愿意 为你

我无力抗拒特别是夜里 想你到无法呼吸
恨不能立即朝你狂奔去 大声的告诉你

愿意为你 我愿意为你 我愿意为你 忘记我姓名
就算多一秒停留在你怀里 失去世界也不可惜
我愿意为你 我愿意为你 我愿意为你 被放逐天际
只要你真心 拿爱与我回应 什么都愿意 什么都愿意 为你

我什么都愿意 什么都愿意 为你

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 12号 星期六 热 Med Count-down:  5000mg

 

Dear Cloud, the fourth song 代替.... year 2007/08. A song to remind ET to let go..... let go..... of this "forbidden love". 

 

代替

放开你的手 不管等多久
失败是成功之母 我们不怕苦  找得到路
你教我的歌 你唱歌的声
将那人潮都暗哑 甜美而优雅 好牵挂   
    
* 原来思念也有生命 有呼吸 有你
扎根在我的心 像部分身体
再多的风雨 再多不允许
都不能阻挡 我们在一起

原来思念也有意义 有爱与勇气
我不在身边 就让思念代替

代替我去爱你 去呵护你
放开你的手 送你到最后
你的泪在我胸口 不管等多久 无所求

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 13号 星期日 凉 Med Count-down:  5000mg

 

Dear Cloud, the fifth song.....year 201X.....

X told ET that the song lyrics perfectly described the situation he and his potential was in.... Deep inside ET heart, he yearned that the potential was him back then. ET was so overwhelmed by jealousy that he wasn't even sure if X potential was a female or male. Looking back it's pretty laughable isn't it, Cloud? 

 

 

约定

作词：光良
作曲：光良

说好的 三年不见面 用我们的爱把时间留住
你笑着说 这是我们的考验 我们的约定

就这样 三年又过了 我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼 等你的出现 空气中吻你的脸

我还记得 我们的约定 一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌 它也偷偷的掉泪了

我还记得 我们的约定 我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了 我想它会告诉你的 我更爱你了

就这样 三年又过了 我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼 等你的出现 空气中吻你的脸

我还记得 我们的约定 一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌 它也偷偷的掉泪了

我还记得 我们的约定 我比以前还更爱你了
连那风都笑我了 我想它会告诉你的

你会记得 我们的约定 一辈子幸福的约定
为你写的那首歌 它也偷偷的掉泪了

你会记得 我们的约定 我比以前还更爱你了
迎著风我也笑了 它一定会告诉你的 我更爱你了

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 14号 星期一 凉 Med Count-down:  4800mg

 

Dear Cloud, the sixth and final song 决别书. ET first heard of this song in Nov 2014.... parts of the song lyrics depicted farewell to a person's loved ones....yes that was also the period when ET confessed his love for X only to be rejected...... an unrequited love ended in a sour note..... he bid farewell to X by blocking him totally out of his life. He spent countless nights crying while listening to this song in which he felt therapeutic for him ... a necessary evil.... looking back. It took around 5yrs for ET to get over X.... and almost another 3yrs for him to come to this point whereby he can peacefully typed his experiences between him and X. ET had moved on since and no longer cry over this song. X has also fulfilled his dream and has succeeded in every aspects of his career. Who knows... he may have already settled down and have kids of his own. ET wishes him all the very best, regardless. 

 

 

 

《诀别书》
主唱：林倛玉 插班生
作词/作曲：小寒 林倛玉
编曲：林倛玉
制作人：林倛玉

 

（男） 小屋薄窗紗 迎來了晚霞
眼看夕陽正要躺下
吩咐淚莫把 墨跡都散灑
還望手帕 代我轉達

 

（女） 採朵小黃花 放飛入水涯
子身原處為愛守家
如詩的年華 亂世中太奢華
誰知手帕 （合）換一襲麻

 

（女）你莫笑我傻 （男）命運愛戲耍
（女）你就笑我傻 （男）愛裡放手才可能偉大
（女）你若笑我傻 （男）奈何誰都知曉
（合）路會走到哪
（女）誰的手帕 雨中牽掛 （男）不如設法 提早給她 （合）回答

 

（男） 冷風卷塵沙 吾生都有涯
血紅夕陽正要淌下
千萬淚莫把 情意都散灑
望有手帕 撫她臉頰

 

（女） 每朵小黃花 訴一朵晚霞
遠處誰在為愛守家
夢一樣年華 為何遭受懲罰
多少手帕 （合）換一襲麻

 

（女）你莫笑我傻 （男）命運愛戲耍
（女）你就笑我傻 （男）愛裡放手才可能偉大
（女）你若笑我傻 （男）奈何誰都知曉
（合）路會走到哪
（女）誰的手帕 雨中牽掛 （男）不如設法 提早給她 （合）回答

Edited February 13, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 20号 星期 凉 Med Count-down:  4400mg

 

Dear Cloud, ET realized all these while he has misunderstood alot of issues in life. He thought that it will be a good time to sit down to unlearn and relearn alot of things and perhaps pivot his life goal holistically. He is thankful that he met individuals who choose to enlighten him on certain matters that was brooding over him these Nth years. First, to start off with...... FILIAL PIETY according to what the Chinese culture has to say, this is a video series of 12 episodes. Cloud, ET wishes that after reflecting on these series, he will no longer be clouded by alot of unnecessary issues in life. May the content bring him PEACE.  

 

 

  

[amuse.ed]

2022年 02月 24号 星期四 凉 Med Count-down:  4200mg

 

Dear Cloud, 给那些还以为放手却没有。。。最终还是得放手的朋友们 。。。

共勉 🙂

 

 

周兴哲

你不属于我
比悲伤更悲伤的故事 影集版片尾曲

作词：林孝谦
作曲：周兴哲
编曲：于京延

 

别说永远 永远会让人 更想念
就像再见从不会再见
越悲伤 就越深刻
难道这就是爱情的规则

 

学会成熟不代表学会放手
就像舍得从来不舍得
爱不用选择 更无需假设
我说深深爱过才会懂得

 

你不属于我 属于我的脆弱
我们只剩今天 怎么奢求以后
如果你发现我 没藏好的那些牵强理由
我会练习有话直说

 

你不属于我 属于我的愧疚
我是真的愿意 消失在你身后
如果你发现我眼泪不停流 却紧紧守候
我想我会坦白 我离开的理由

 

学会成熟 不代表学会放开手
就像舍得从来不舍得
爱不用选择 更无需假设
你说深深爱过才会懂得

 

你不属于我 属于我的脆弱
我们只剩今天 怎么奢求以后
如果你发现我 没藏好的那些牵强理由
我会练习有话直说

 

你不属于我 属于我的愧疚
我是真的愿意 消失在你身后
如果你发现我眼泪不停流 却紧紧守候
相信我有我的理由

 

不该让你 一个人承受
如果没有我 你是否还能坚强度过
我发誓对你永不离不弃 不即不离

陪你 到爱情尽头

 

你不属于我 属于我的懦弱

我是真的爱过 就该舍得放手
如果你发现我 没把握狠下心掉头就走
我会试着自己难过

 

你不属于我 属于我的愧疚
我是真的愿意 消失在你身后
如果你发现我眼泪不停流 却紧紧守候
我一定会对你坦白 我爱你的理由

[amuse.ed]

@08.10am

 

Change

 

Change is the only constant

Heraclitus the Greek philosopher said

Yes ET did a minor paraphrase or in fact

He just did a copy and paste

 

ET had a hard time trying to find the exact words

He Googled only to realize there are a few versions of it

He gave up on its accuracy

Because he was confused by the varieties  

 

The Only Constant in Life Is Change 

Change is the only constant in life

The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change

He chose none of the three but the one in the heading instead

 

So what does this statement of change meant for ET?

Diary, he does have lots of enquiries on this

One is any reasons for his ex-psychiatrist be so adamant

About diagnosing him as a Bipolar Disorder?

 

Even DSM has changed having different upgraded versions

Why can't ET "mental illness be re-classified as MDD?"

Interestingly it has been years and ET still wonders,

Wonder any reasons for his ex-Psychiatrist

 

Disagreeing to reclassify his mental disorder...... 

 

ET

25.02.2022

[amuse.ed]

2022年 03月 26号 星期六 热

 

 

写梦

清风吹入窗 啊月娘对面看

亲像彼个人哪

啊～ 叫着我

红颜染红妆 啊心情照新镜

扶窗探旧情啊

看无 你的形影

 

当初彼条歌 啊一人唱一半

如今阮的梦哪

谁人 来做伴

情缘你来赊 啊相思阮来寄

情批每一字啊

拢是 寂寞的我

 

年年盼年春 啊夜夜怨夜半

茫茫彼场梦哪

哎哟 是牵挂 旧情一直掀

啊青春一直撕

情批欠人名啊

爱恨 只有乱写

Edited April 1, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 3月 31号 星期四 热 Med: 2600mg more to go

 

Dear Cloud, ET went on a period of hibernation that translated to lesser screen time. Tbh, he no longer knows how to proceed to write his real life account/ experiences in this unrealistic, least ideal world that he is in anymore. Cloud, remember ET started by writing on this 19yo male protagonist who is the son of a gay father?

 

He was awaiting for his NS enlistment back then and he found that he may contracted HIV. 

 

Ironically, ET is stuck almost the same period two years ago. Now he wonders how he can possibly proceed..... perhaps it's time to revisit this protagonist who is by now 22yo and his father 44yo. with that ET can have the freedom to write whatever crosses his mind, unleashing the creativity in him and allowing his imagination to run wilder...... rather than to confine himself shuttling between his realities and unrealities. 

Edited April 1, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is just coincidental.

 

01 April 1994, Friday, Weather: 33 Celsius 

 

Dear Diary,

 

Finally settled down for the day after class. Today is April Fool's Day.... so fast a quarter of year 1994 has zoom pass. Everyone in class seemed to be very busy, preparing for their mid year exams. No one seemed to be in a mood to crack any jokes. Jian Hui, Yong Ming, Wei Han and me, the infamous quadruplets of the class were discussing if we should go bald for the entire year of our O levels. The reason is fairly simple, so that we can save time, effort to wash our hair not forgetting to save some hair shampoo as well. 

 

We were creating so much noise that Miss Mah has to literally come to us and shut us up. Ok.... so the conclusion was we will go for the haircut tomorrow at 3pm. Sigh.... there will be tuition later and my most hated subject "A" Math. Apparently, Mum thinks that sciences are unimportant though I am weak in Biology, Chemistry and Physics.  I felt cheated when Mum instructed me to choose Biology back then because she was told that students from Pure Biology class will be the cream of the crops of any schools. I have always enjoyed Literature and History in Sec 1 and 2. I scored too well to be able to have a choice to be streamed into a pure bio class that now I am struggling academically. What an irony in life. Haha. 

 

I wondered how my life would be if I have chosen Lit class back then. I think I will excel Diary.  And there will be no issues for me to be enrolled into the infamous Junior Colleges i.e. RI, ACS etc. I recalled that the only person I knew from a reputable school was big brother, he will be 18 by now and I wonder where and how he is now. When big brother first approached me with his Biology textbook and A4 size foolscap paper was printed with a RI logo at the void deck, I knew he was somebody and next after he showed me a piece of lewd literature content and gotten erected after seeing a male body anatomy diagram, I knew he was extraordinary. The defining moment, when I was led up to his residence, everything was history and such sensual experiences continued after he preparing his A Level and since then we have lost contact and he had shifted home as well.

 

Back to the here and now. Yes.... Mum often said since I am the class monitor for my entire primary school years and school prefect for the entire secondary school, I must study infinite hard to be a role model for my cousins who most of them unable to excel academically. Mum's ultimate hope for me is to enroll the NUS. You know what Dairy, I think I will have to disappoint her. Again everything seemed so familiar.....  I also did fairly well in Pri 1 and 2 but the turning point was actually at the age of 8, I started to gain weight, nights after nights I was down with hives, fever and flu and this continued until last year when I felt much better.

 

All I knew was spending most of my time (besides being ill) was to defend myself from all the whipping, canings and scolding administered by my Mum and sometimes my Dad who would often pulled my both ears for not listening to my Mum. I progressed with my primary school life having to hide the occasional cane marks" imprinted" when my Mum accidently hit my legs. My elder sister and I were pretty helpless back then. I did poorly for my PSLE and here I am moving towards my O levels with much fear and trembling. 

 

Ok Dairy I got to go, haircut this weekend will be different because I am going bald and I am pretty excited about it.

 

Yours Sincerely, 

JT

01.04.1994 (Fri)

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is just coincidental. Content include death, suicides and religious issues, read at own discretion"

 

02 April 2005, Saturday, Weather: 32 Celsius Light Rain

 

Dear Diary, 

 

Its been awhile.... how have you been doing? I am in quite an undesirable state now. As Kong Fu Zi once said

 

"To bring the world back into order, one must first bring the nation back into order; to bring the nation back into order, one must bring the family back into order; to bring the family back into order, one must cultivate his personal life; and to cultivate their personal life, one must first bring his hearts back into order."

 

Diary, isn't this reminiscent of the term "xiu sheng yang xing, cheng jia li ye, zi guo"? (cultivate heart, mind, start family, establish career, control the kingdom). Essentially, Confucius has always maintained that everything begins with oneself. If one wish to accomplish or even alter something (even something as large as a country), one must begin with myself. It all starts with a heart of humility. "What is the right heart?" Diary, in my personal opinion is really about applying the wisdom and not about having to dictate what is right or wrong.

 

You know what I am trying to say, isn't it, Dairy? Because I have been pouring my woes to you since the age of 13 but I have to stop writing to you because I was told by Pastor Wee to write more edifying content, best if its verses from the bible and give thanks to God. In addition, I have to burn all my physical books that contained our memories Diary.... our joint memories on one Church Retreat Camp to "dissociate my unglorifying and undesirable pasts".

 

Perhaps its God's punishment because of my pre-marital sex with Hoon due to my poor judgement back then with alcohol? It happened past my 21st birthday, Hoon was a month older, we met each other in our tertiary years. It was a joyous occasion and after all the booze and wine, both of us got physical and had unprotected sex. What happened next was responsibilities after responsibilities.

 

We had Eng Ming (born in Nov 2000), a bundle of joy to the both my family of origin and the in-laws. But as Eng Ming grew older, Hoon and I realized something was not very right, Eng Ming would wailed loudly while infancy and he would bite people who wish to draw close to him. Mum said that Eng Ming might have "touched something unclean" and gave him lots of burnt temple amulet water (akin how I was treated back then as a child). Hoon disapproved it but since Mum was the primary caregiver whilst Hoon was at work, all the feedback were all gone in vain. Hoon and Mum's relationship turned sour thereafter and I became the middle man. 

 

Two months ago, Hoon and I lost our second child to miscarriage, I remembered witnessing that large flow of blood from Hoon's genitals. As a son, husband and a father, I thought I have always been trying to do the RIGHT thing, by obeying God's anointed leadership, contributed my 10%, tithe. I followed all of the Church's Standard of Procedures and thought what I did was ALL the RIGHT things. But what did I have in return? Hoon completed suicide by jumping from great heights soon after the miscarriage and I was left all alone, as a single father, feeling helpless.

 

I buried myself in work and thankfully there is Mum who continued to render care for Eng Ming. Hoon's demise was never told to any relatives of both sides, it was a simple funeral as requested by Hoon in her suicide note which she wrote another three things:

 

1) she choose to forgive me for what I did to her

2) she wished for a sea burial and its unnecessary to set up her tablet,

3) to delete her name from Eng Ming's birth certification.

 

Hoon's maiden family thought that I had made all these up and was so angry with me that they dissociated me, I remembered my ex-father-in-law said

 

"Shame on you, you know what you did. We no longer can trust you anymore!!!" 

 

Yes.... I know what I did..... but its not time for me to mention to you Dairy.... not now. 

 

And perhaps, my study into I-Ching now is an obvious retaliation to God. One of the Bro-in-Christ told me that Hoon and our lost child had made their way to heaven, the least they are not in this world to experience all the worldly sufferings. But what I heard the rest said was if one completed suicide, he/she would be deny entry to Heaven and sent to Hell instead. Plus all these years I realized that the Pastoral Leadership are not walking the talk, often they will brushed it off by commenting "We are least perfect humans". Diary, strangely I always feel very amused by it when I heard such comments on the pulpit.

 

To be honest, I am getting sick and tired of all these religious stuff yet my elder Sis, kept advocating for it. I feel I should have a balance, from all dimensions and not be an extremist for that matter. Look at what happened to US on 11 Sept 2001? The works of extremist terrorists. I would not wish to embark on that journey of no returns. Confucius advocated for the 'middle path.' (always strike a balance and stick to it). For example, it is appropriate for me to pursue other teachings but to stick to one and when I have to choose to be either hot and cold on the teachings, I have my doubts and reservations.

 

As an Asian Chinese man, regardless of bad and wrong, I have to refrain from intentionally speaking negatively about that someone and/or the situation. There is always this sense of deference and what I really need to do is to say what are the essentials in the spirit of truth in any given scenarios. BUT if it is required to expose one's wrongdoings in order to rescue many others, then speaking the truth are the necessary evils. 

 

And what I am doing now, can be seemed as not practicing what I preached isn't it Diary? A world full of ironies indeed.

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is just coincidental. Content include death, read at own discretion"

 

04 April 2005, Monday, Weather: 25 Celsius, Cloudy

 

Dear Dairy, 

 

Spent my weekend, contemplating, I dreamt of Hoon these two nights again, she was mumbling something but I could not figure out what was spoken. But she looked angry and yet worried, yes she has every reasons to do that. To be honest, I wasn't a man of integrity as many people thought that I will be..... the stereotypical impression of a police officer. Today its my first day reporting to work at Criminal Investigative Department..... having being work in the land divisions for the past 7yrs as an Investigation Specialist. My new Section Lead, Ang is very understanding. He knew of what has happened to Hoon and ask me would I need a longer compassionate leave but I decline, I told him that work can somewhat support me in focusing and forgets the loss I am experiencing momentarily. Diary, I am having this mixed feelings, on one hand I am delighted that I gotten my new posting, yet the sudden death Hoon loomed that delight. 

 

I am unsure if its fair for me to share this but why am I experiencing ordeals after ordeals in my life? I have been searching for an answer all these years. From the moment when I knew I was different yet I know that time will not stop, there are just to many things stacking up..... I will have to complete that ever ongoing educational certification race, then that cooperate ladder whilst fulfilling my duties as a son, brother and even a role model to my cousins. All these things just stockpiled so high there were moments where I felt breathless. My best friend now is named Whisky, not even Jian Hui, Yong Ming and Wei Han but the three of them were nice enough to be with me for Hoon final sent-off. 

 

As an excellent planner, Jian Hui asked me an important question "Will I tell the truth to Eng Ming about what really has happened?" At the age of 5, Eng MIng seems to know be a carefree kid, abit like his Dad, he looks cheerful yet was plagued with momentarily sudden burst of emotions, relatives and cousins avoided him for fear that they will get bitten by Eng Ming. Prior to Hoon's departure, we discussed if we need to bring Eng to the professional for an expert advise.... now she has left us..... its almost 9am soon, time to report for work. My first day.... looking forward to it. It has always been my dream to be deploy to CID- Serious Crime Branch- at least my childhood dream is fulfilled, meaning that I will be get to investigate murders and major crimes. Ok Diary got to go.  

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is just coincidental.

 

06 April 2005, Wednesday, Weather: 25 Celsius, Cloudy

 

Dear Diary, finally settled down after a day of orientation yesterday. Met the Director yesterday, the typical scholar one would find in the government services. Based in ancient China, the imperial days, every man desire is to be a scholar and if possible serve as official. That will be a form of being pride and honour to their family clan. In Chinese, it worded as 光宗耀祖 guāng zōng yào zǔ descendants become famous as officials, making the ancestors and the family honorable. And I am doing just that now, at the age of 27, I think I have advanced well in the Civil Servant areana, especially from a diploma holder, I rose up the ranks and was the top 1% whom I made it to a Senior Officer role. 

 

Went to this pub along Chinatown,  love the place because it has live music and it is near my office. A temporary sanctuary for me to be away from all the hustle in life. Hoon is now gone, Eng Ming and my parents are my responsibilities now. Tired. Ordered a bottle of Martel and down it with my usual mix.... no one there knows me. Its good because I am tired of conversing, need to chill down after a day's work. Tipsy and took a train back home while keying these to you Diary. Tired just tired Diary. 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

09 April 2005, Saturday, Weather: 28 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Dear Diary, 

 

I have never thought of becoming a police officer, it was the 1998 the Asia Economic Crisis. After graduating, most of my course mates signed on to the military. For me, there was only the law enforcement as I am not a technical person to begin with.

 

Embarking on this career was an interesting journey for me, I recalled there was this crimimentary that premiered in 1987. I was 9 years old back then, there were lot of anxieties listening to the introductory music of the progarmme was being played over the TV, let alone watching the program. I would developed fever, giddiness, hives and heart palpitations were a norm as this programme will broadcast over the national TV monthly. My parents were baffled over any reasons for me to manifest these bodily discomforts.

 

I would also have nightmares of people screaming, shouting and foul smells too. Most of the times, akin like witnessing the crime itself leading to how it had happened. My Mum sought temples mediums' advices and it was concluded that someone might have lay a curse on me. So I had to drink a lot of burnt amulet water back then "to ease my spirit". I was also being fed on this fever relief Chinese medication during my discomforts and only recently, it was found that I am allergy to the a type of painkiller which caused the hives.

 

As years progresses, my fear of watching that programme and those nightmares had stopped as well. My elder sister, Bee claimed that she has prayed to God every night for me or perhaps I have outgrown it? In retrospect, there's no regrets for me to join the force, having to be the class monitor for six primary school years and prefect during my secondary school years, hierarchical structures, discipline, dominance, power and authority are norms even till today. I take pride of what I have achieved in my career today but my family life..... Eng Ming is in nursery, learning new things and ultimately he will know the truths..... but what are the truths, Dairy?

 

The truths are Hoon has already passed on. Mum suggested for me to reconsider remarry someone. I was very amazed how she could get over Hoon's death at such a great speed, Dad agreed too, citing that Eng Ming needs a mother to and its better to get him one before he grows up. "To get one?" It sounded like a commodity, Diary...... somehow I have to agree with that, Wei Han once said marriage is just a paper transaction, a legit reason for two consenting adults to have penetrative sex. Bee said she will pray to God for more wisdom and discernment to be with me. Dairy, I am not ready, besides there are so much things to juggle now. My new posting, Hoon's death, Eng Ming's growing up and my parents' expectations.

 

Its Saturday night, shall I go out for a drink? Eng Ming is wailing again.... maybe not. Anway, the night is still young, I can always go for a drink after he sleeps, perhaps at around 10.30pm?    

 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

10 April 2005, Sunday, Weather: 27 Celsius, Light Rain

 

Dear Diary, 

 

Went to the same place again after coaxing Eng Ming to sleep. Its almost 11pm when I arrived, I took a cab and arrived at the restaurant- KTV pub . Alot of people were drinking away with the karaoke hall singing at the background. The restaurant serves authentic Thai food and one of the owners is also a chef who was culinary trained in Bangkok. This place serves lunch and dinner and KTV would starts after 10pm till late.

 

It was Sat night and everyone waited patiently for their turn to sing their favorite songs. In fact, Hoon and I met at a KTV longue.... it was a course gathering by our cohort via IRC back then. The location was at Kallang, I recalled the lady boss was very generous and she told us that the lounge was opened out of her passion and interest in wanting to hear people sing contemporary Chinese and Cantonese songs. There wasn't much entertainment for me so singing became one of my passion.

 

I must have sang this song well to catch Hoon's attention. She approached and told me that its a tough song to sing for her to sing yet as a guy I managed to sing it so well with full blast emotions. I thank her for a compliment and sang a duet with her... Yes Diary, the all time 1998 classic named 你最珍贵 that are sung by many even till today. I recalled that unique fondness and chemistry between me and Hoon. We both were pleasantly surprised that the duet was seamlessly nice with each our parts done exceedingly well. And since then on we often went KTV and she would be my appointed female duet vice versa.

 

Back to year 2005, I took a sip of VSOP warm Martel, held the microphone and sang this song...... released in 2000. While singing, someone came to my mind, Diary and the person was not Hoon but someone else.

 

到不了

作词：范玮琪　

作曲：张洪量　

编曲：王豫民

 

你眼睛会笑　弯成一条桥　

终点却是我　永远到不了

感觉你来到　是风的呼啸　

思念像苦药　竟如此难熬　

每分每秒 我找不到　

 

我到不了　你所谓的将来的美好

我什么都不要　知不知道　

若你懂我　这一秒

 

我想看到　我在寻找　

那所谓的爱情的美好

我紧紧的依靠　紧紧守牢　

不敢漏掉　一丝一毫　愿你看到

 

 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

14 April 2005, Thursday, Weather: 32 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Dear Diary, 

 

Super busy with work, there were no major crimes lately but I have to still follow up with alot of documentations. Have been staring at the screen for the past few days, busy reading the archives as well. At the age of 27, a single Dad, I reminded myself to focus on my career first and provide for the family. Nothing beats Eng Ming and my parents now. Most of my ex-colleagues from Bendemeer Division had sent their regards, I am grateful for my Team Leader and Head Investigation Officer who had asked if any support is needed i.e. Counsellor..... but Diary.... sitting in front with a stranger pouring out my woes is just not my cup of tea.

 

I prefer my Cognac and you Diary, Cognac is my Psychologist and you are my Counsellor. 

 

As an Asian Chinese male, I have the tendency to not readily share my emotions with my loved ones. I used to think that its an ego thing however overtime I doubted it. I am unsure what will it be like for Eng Ming's generation but I reckon that it will still be the same. Men will still find it tough to talk about issues because somehow culturally, Asians are engineered and attuned as such. Plus as an old saying goes, "A leopard will never change its spot" So what I need to do is to work continue to work on this fundamentals and I will feel safe and secure.

 

However there is another saying "Change or be change". What do you think Diary?

 

Anyway, I finally have the time and mental, emotional space to note that the long weekends. The next one will be May Day. Maybe its good to plan something for Eng Ming and family. 

 

Time for lunch..... have a good day Dairy!

Edited August 29, 2023 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is just coincidental. Content include death, suicides and religious issues, read at own discretion"

 

19 April 2005, Tuesday, Weather: 31 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Dear Dairy, was so busy over the five days that I could not even pay a visit here. Busyness is good, it keeps me focus and somehow distracted, I took a few hours off today because Eng Ming acted out in his preschool again. Very much to my dismay, Dad is at work, Mum was down with a flu and Bee happened to be busy with her work as well. I would not wish to trouble anyone thus I applied time off to attend to Eng. Hoon used to manage this aspect when she was alive and now she is gone.... maybe as what Dad and Mum proposed- to get Eng a step-mum soon. Nowadays I am hardly home, yes work is one of the issues but I think sub-consciously I was avoiding, avoid my family and Eng. As I buried myself with the documentations and work routines in life, the word avoidance seems to be very much alive sub and consciously. 

 

I am wondering how my parents managed me back then while I was at Eng's age. Seriously, Eng maybe a child with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), medical condition. A child with ADHD has differences in brain development and brain activity that affect attention, the ability to sit still, and self-control. My concern is how it will affects Eng' school, at home, and in friendships. Must admit that I am a natural worrier (not warrior) and why did I not detect Hoon's mental health state back then? Perhaps I am not loving her as much as I should? Or in fact I knew but I wish that she could initiate something.... something to end my relationship with her?

 

To be honest, Dairy..... Hoon is not the person I truly love and in retrospect it was merely a transaction, she is a dutiful and spontaneous KTV singing buddy. By my intuition, Hoon must have sensed it. The sex was just a routine to satisfy her and if it works, continue the linage.... in which it did.

 

Hoon, wherever you are.... the caretaker and Chinese Priest told us that most likely you will continue to re-visit the site where you jumped and repeat the process till you find the next person who shared similar energies to leap at the similar spot. I have doubts about it. Bee said that you will go straight to hell, what you did was a sin and impermissible by God. Regardless, please continue to bless Eng and see through him in life, what I and my family can do are very limited, we can provide him with the physical primal needs but a biological mother's love can never be replaced. The family and I told Eng that you are rested in a far away place and will never be back. I think the fact has finally sank in because he called lesser of you nowadays.  Ok Hoon, I got to go... back to my busyness again.

[amuse.ed]

2022年 04月 21号 星期四 凉 Med Count-down: 2000mg

 

"我们都没开始过。。。何来得放手。。。"

 

我走后 (2019) 

 

作词：小咪   作曲：小咪

编曲：WJCTION

如果离开以后
得到的会是 什么
是难过 是孤独
还是接著下 一个

放不下是个借口
我强忍著痛
爱有始有终
我不明白 牵著的手

怎么牵著牵著 就放了

也许爱让此刻 变成灰色
我们还是一如既往的冷漠
感受著 仅存的快乐
回想我们走过的那些曲折
只有我们两个别人没法懂得
你说你累了 能不能放过我

我走了 你别再难过
心里有话都不想再说
记得以后 你要快乐
这世界没那么多因果
我走后 你别再想我
尽管有太多的不舍
这是你要的自由 我还给你了

我走后总是一个人
在房间里面感受无聊
抱怨著卑微的生活
独自走在街上祈祷
曾经全心全意为你
却没有丝毫感动
也许我走后才能
给你自由的感受
曾经有那一刻是
真的想把你娶回家
承受著社会的压力
疲惫不堪倒著时差
想过如果有一天
你还能够回心转意
那我也放下所有事情
跟你享受一辈子甜蜜

我走了 你别再难过
心里有话都不想再说
记得以后 你要快乐
这世界没那么多因果
我走后 你别再想我
尽管有太多的不舍
这是你要的自由 我还给你了
我们度过 这幸福时刻
拥抱也没了 也变得忐忑
内心不需要抉择
我们只是见过

没了我怎么了
我们竟然只是过客
从陌生到熟悉 然后走到分离
放不下的原因 是因为你

 

 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

24 April 2011, Sunday, Weather: 28 Celsius, Mostly Cloudy

 

Dear Diary, 

 

Time flies.... Eng Ming is 11yo now. His mood has been much stabilised as feedback from his school form teacher.  Mum said its time to let him walk home from school independently, Dad concurred too. Diary, I never told them about the molestation I encountered. I fear that similar incidence will happen to Eng Ming.... so over the years I have been telling him never talk to strangers even if they claimed they know me, Dad, Mum and Bee most importantly, good touch and bad touch. 

 

Jian Hui messaged to congrats me on my recent promotion and asked if I am keen for a gathering. I cooked up some excuses and declined. Except for Yong Hui whom marriage is on the rock, the other two are happily married. Good for them, I am just tired Diary.... leading a team these three years working alongside with my colleagues to solve high profile murders and serious crimes can be satisfying but there's somehow something missing...... when I first embarked my first transfer 6yrs ago, there were so many to learn, glad that I have somehow breeze it through by wise mentorship from my seniors. Without them, I won't be who I am today.

 

Hoon, it's the time and the season I miss you again.... how have you been? Where are you? Heaven, Hell or lurking around still finding the next person to replace you at the site so that you can be reincarnated. I do miss you from time to time.... your hunch was correct back then I like you as my singing companion but never love you as much as for that person.

 

A Nov 2009 song that I have been singing and listening to till now whenever I think of you.

 

Back to my Cognac....two nights ago was Whiskey, isn't it Diary?

 

暗恋

 

作词：彭学斌＠口袋音乐
作曲：彭学斌＠口袋音乐
编曲：蔡政勋/陈建玮
制作：张智成

四目交接的时候　不要停留太久
适可而止的问候　关心不能太过
好奇也别去探索　妒嫉只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞　也不能对你说

啊　好朋友　啊 　我的好朋友
不小心的沉默　不想让你太难过

＊我们就站在落地窗的两边
　就算触碰也有了界限
　如果跨越过彼此那道边界
　是靠近还是更遥远＊

相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
什么会多一些　什么会少一些

就让别人去猜测　我们清白的很
就让自己去承受　那种清白的闷
就算我只是朋友　能不能有要求
如果会发生什么　也是我想太多

啊　好朋友　就只是好朋友
不小心说出口　微笑中藏着难过

REPEAT＊

你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
什么会被消灭　什么才会复原
那是我的底线　继续将你暗恋

 

 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

30 April 2011 Saturday, Weather: 29 Celsius, Light rain

 

Dear Diary, super tired.... working on a series of murder cases that was not supposed to be on the media release. Yes Diary, I know it should be made known to the public. There are also other countries that do not report their number of suicides daily fearing that it will create a copy-cat effects. As Investigation Officers we are supposed to keep our lips sealed and case discussions took place only among us. Recently I mentioned to the Principal Psychologist, Dr Keong who I consulted monthly that I am feeling the stress from work. Dr Keong suggested that I can start to journal my thoughts on the occurrences of the case, a few benefits to it....  journaling will thus support in case analysis, a clarity of mind thereafter and a cathartic effect in which benefits my emotional health in a long run.

 

So from now on Diary, you are the only third being that I divulge what I am working on. You know what, even if Hoon is alive, I doubted she will have that privilege. Ok.... yes you are telling me to be less cocky and humble right? Haha. This is going to be a horrendous period for me and my team. There can be a possibility a serial killer is lurking at large in the country. The rationale of not publishing it in the media is because the Ministry wish to avoid public fears and what if the foreign investors get to know about this? It will be detrimental for the nation in general. His reputation as a safe and secure country will be jeopardized so all of us know the complications behind it and we are fighting against to get this person apprehended.

 

Diary it started off with a well preserved male body in his 60s that was found along one of the housing unit of Boon Chiat Lane. The pathologist has concluded that it was a murder because of some of the injuries sustained can't be possibly self-inflicted and the time of death was two weeks ago. He was also amazed on how the body was so well-preserved. There were no signs of break in but the entire unit has been ransacked lightly. The second case was another female body in her 60s who was murdered a week ago with similar Modus Operandi. The third happened last night a male body in his 50s. All have a common trait, there were not much blood sheds, all bodies were well preserved and are of higher social economic status who helmed positions either at Senior Management or Board of Directors.

 

Anyway after this I am going to rush to a case conference in two hours time. Its stressful Dairy, Dr Keong reminded me that its eustress, stress that motivates me to spur on and perhaps abit of Cognac or Whiskey helps in relieving that eustress of mine. I hasn't been chatting up with Eng and family for awhile since the first body was found. Basically I did not reveal much of my work to them and I am thankful that Dad and Mum gave me the time and space and has been playing the primary caregivers role to Eng. Ok, Diary, got to rush off to the meeting.

 

See you soon.       

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

05 May 2011 Thursday, Weather: 30 Celsius, Light rain

 

Diary, situations aren't looking good.

 

Another body was found over the weekend at one of the private properties of River Alley. Similar Modus Operandi (MO). All authorities have to move in not to alert the neighbours, even the hearse was not summoned so as not to alarm the public. Deceased is male in his 60s, body well preserved as well, he looked as though he has passed on peacefully.  This time round there was this metallic object that was found in which looked foreign to be placed at the scene of crime. It is a necklace with a symbol of Caduceus, a Greek emblem consisting of a short staff intertwined by two serpents, occasionally surmounted by wings, as opposed to the Rod of Asclepius, which has a single snake. The snake is the common denominator between these two emblems. Looks like the murderer is accidently dropped a hint or something. 

 

Estimated time of death of the decease was three days ago. The Commissioner of Police is utterly concerned and there are now two camps whom approve and disapprove for these murders to make known to the public. There were extreme views i.e. how many lives have to be sacrifice etc.... and some thought that they have been reciting the pledge that they are suppose to safeguard life and property, to detect and deter crime?

 

To be honest, let's face it Dairy, a pledge is just a few statements that suppose to aspire but when it comes to the real work on the ground its a different ball games altogether. The autopsy report for the three deceases were out and all I can say for now it is getting tougher for the police to work on it because the killer has been very careful and meticulous, leaving simply no evidential traces at all besides the necklace that the Crime Scene Investigators (CSIs) has found at the crime scene. 

 

Am I for or against releasing the information to the mainstream media? To be honest Diary, I am against it because the last thing I wish to happen is to trigger another spat of copy-cats in which humans are very capable of doing it. And since it involves in high profilers of the state, the police have to practice more sensitivity and careful on issues as such, especially when the next of kin are not in favor for the police to release the information as well in fear that this may bring bad reputation to their family linage. 

 

Looks like my next few weekends has to be burnt, so its another no celebration for this coming Mother's Day. Hoon, I believe you will empathized the situation I am in, right? And Mum I trust you would as well. 

 

Happy Mother's Day Hoon, Mum and Bee. 

 

Got to go, see you again Dairy. 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 07号 星期天 凉 Med Count-down: 1600mg

 

Dear Diary is ET trying "to convince himself" to drink Cognac again? He is still under medication though.....

 

In What Ways Drinking Brandy With Hot Water Is Beneficial?

8 September 2021 September

It’s been said that a little of what you enjoy serves you well, try drinking brandy with hot water. If you like sipping brandy now and again, you’re doing the right thing. You will be amazed to discover that this popular drink in your hand has several health advantages too.

Brandy combined with warm water has long been used as a home treatment for keeping the body warm, but it’s also thought to help with health issues if used in moderation.

Brandy is a warming drink made from a spirit produced from wine (or occasionally a fruit mash). The liquid is stored in oak barrels after first distillation, giving most brandy its characteristic amber hue.

Its name originated from the Dutch meaning “burnt wine,” which is most likely related to the extraction process. It was first produced in the 16th century. The majority of brandy is 50% alcohol in content.

Are you thinking of taking brandy with hot water? When consumed with hot water, can brandy provide any extra benefits? There’s just one way to know for sure. Continue reading to learn about the advantages of mixing brandy with hot water.

 

Brandy should be appreciated as a natural remedy when used in moderation. Let’s look at some of the critical health advantages of drinking brandy with hot water.

Brandy Health Benefits

It Can Aid in Cold or Flu

When you’re suffering from the flu, it is natural to drink warm water during cold weather. But you can combine it with brandy as well. A soothing brandy with hot water may provide much-needed comfort. Its antimicrobial qualities aid in the treatment of throat irritation and other infections.

One of the most common methods to take brandy for a cold is in a delightful hot toddy, which combines it with honey and lemon, both of which possess healing properties. Meanwhile, a few sips of straight brandy may ease a sore throat and create an excellent combination that leverages the health benefits of both ingredients.

If you want to experiment with something new, you may try Harris Organic brandy. They offer an industry-leading selection of organic brandy’s. However, they also create novel tastes that go well with genuine organic brandy. 

 

It May Impact Cardiovascular Health

Brandy, like many other kinds of alcohol, may have a significant impact on the heart. Like the grape from which brandy is produced, it has a wide variety of beneficial antioxidants that help your heart, according to studies.

This antioxidant capacity may assist in regulating cholesterol levels and prevent plaque build-up by lowering the quantity of bad cholesterol in the heart.

One of the most excellent methods to avoid strokes and heart attacks is to prevent atherosclerosis. Brandy contains polyphenolic chemicals that assist in decreasing artery irritation. It also helps to reduce blood pressure and avoids other heart issues.

Furthermore, brandy’s polyphenolic components decrease inflammation in the circulatory system. It lowers blood pressure by easing blood vessel tension.

However, like with alcohol, excessive intake may be harmful to the heart, so exercise care while monitoring consumption.

After supper, a single glass of brandy diluted with hot water is suggested as a safe and healthy quantity.

 

Its Anti-aging Potential

 

The antioxidant chemicals present in brandy linked to copper in some of the distillation equipment may have a powerful impact on the body.

Antioxidants are organic molecules and substances that neutralize or remove the effects of free radicals in our bodies. Free radicals are harmful leftovers of metabolic processes that may cause healthy cells in your body to mutate or die (cell death).

Antioxidants may help prevent cellular death in various places, including the skin, scalp, vital organs, and the brain.

As a result, brandy with hot water has been proven to successfully prevent wrinkles on the face, cognitive problems, impaired eyesight, and other chronic diseases that develop as you age.

It Can Be Beneficial For Your Skin

Although excessive alcohol intake has been linked to the treatment or prevention of some malignancies, brandy has been linked to preventing or treating specific skin issues.

Ellagic acid, a potent chemical molecule that may inhibit the formation and spread of malignant infections, is one of the critical components of brandy.

This acid helps in minimizing bacterial and viral infection. One can experience better overall health when resorting to optimal brandy intake.

 

It Can Help With Sleep Problems

Most people associate consuming alcohol with falling asleep; nevertheless, brandy has some calming, warming, and relaxing properties that may aid in the induction of good, deep sleep.

The high alcohol level will help your system due to its inherent sleep-inducing properties, so brandy with hot water is often recommended as an after-dinner drink to aid sleep.

May Support Weight Loss Journey

Unlike carbohydrate-heavy alcoholic beverages such as beer, brandy has no carbohydrates and does not fill you up. Hot water brandy may be savoured as an aperitif without spoiling your appetite.

It does not add to the artificial sweetener breakdown of carbohydrates that are readily stored as fat, including those present in beer.

How to drink brandy for cold

How to drink brandy for cold and cough, is a question often asked. Here is the answer, it’s a hot toddy.

Hot toddy recipe

A hot toddy for a cold or cough is made from brandy, honey, hot water, lemon and optional spices like cloves or cinnamon. A shot of brandy, a large teaspoon of honey, juice of half a lemon and then fill your mug with hot water to dissolve the honey. Sip away.

In conclusion

Brandy is more than simply a drink to assist you with a cold. There are many health advantages and numerous ways to experience this wonderful beverage. But the best way to consume this potion is to mix brandy with warm water and sip while enjoying the delicious flavour of the drink.

 

Credit: https://www.harrisorganicwine.com.au/blog/drinking-brandy-with-hot-water/

Edited May 9, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 12号 星期四 凉 Med Count-down: 1400mg

 

致

 

"也许心中真的容纳不了。。。另个人的人"

 

共勉

 

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 15号 星期日 热 Med Count-down: 1200mg

 

Dear Diary, ET has been pretty busy lately at his professional front (which is a good thing). It is the second Mercury Retrograde for the year and he can already sense the impact e.g. issues with technology devices, short-tempered etc.... coming already. ET has also bumped into people who had somehow influenced him during his coming out years these past one week. ET did like to see it in a positive light be it if the experiences wasn't pleasant back then. He was reminded that with every unfavorable response from the person, he or she could have experienced abuses and traumas while growing up or even worse its an ongoing encounters for them. Thus the fact that they are responding this way is because as a mean of survival. That also goes to show that ET managed to let go of that particular incident and the attitude of the person. Good for ET. 

 

In the past, his mum has been lamenting that she will only live till 60yo as told by her Divination Master. This message has been bombarding at her two helpless children back then causing them to be in this anxiety mode of losing their mother. He once heard over one of the YouTube videos that in fact everyone has only 60 years of lifespan and years added on to it is the fact that one has yet to learn their life lesson well enough to transit into their next life. This can well explain reasons why individuals pass on at different ages. However this reasoning did not explain the fact that why fetus pass on in their mother's womb and also death via misadventures and accidents. ET is often fascinated by how far he has been through with many close brushes with deaths. And he is thankful for those be it benefactors or "enemies" he has encountered because all these people allow him to grow into a better person. 

 

ET is into his final 1.5months of medication regime, that will be six more pills. He is unable to deny the fact that he started drinking again but this time round he is wiser and managed to regulate himself better than the last three rounds. As for cigarette, ET has no intention to return to nicotine and there are no cravings as well too. According to Mercury Retrograde and his star signs, its better for ET to be in hibernation mode for awhile for this entire season. Hopefully with this, he will have more ideas on what to write next and chartered his second half of 2022 in which he also knew that his so called free lancing work life will end in Feb 2023 after CNY. Its a highly anticipated moment for ET, Diary and he is all excited about it. Nowadays he has very much into I-Ching and Astrology, he feels that this two has spoken much about the 5Ws and 1H of his life. A lot of self-reconciliation work to do and ET is an ever work in progress definitely. Spur on ET you can do it!  

 

Have a blissful Vesak Day and peace Diary.  

 

PS: First retrograde: January 14 - February 3, 2022. Second retrograde: May 10 - June 3, 2022. Third retrograde: September 9 - October 2, 2022.

 

Reference: https://www.lifestyleasia.com/sg/culture/events/how-to-survive-the-second-mercury-retrograde/  

 

Mercury, the planet of communication, is going retrograde for the second time this year, from 10 May to 3 June, 2022. From an astrological point of view, whenever a planet goes retrograde, consider it the universe’s way of nudging people into slowing down in the areas of life that the planet rules.

 

The upcoming Mercury retrograde transit will be in full swing in the signs of Gemini and Taurus. With communication, technology and travel plans predisposed to failing during this time, it would be wise to know what to expect and prepare yourself for what might ensue.

 

2022 will not just see two but four Mercury retrogrades throughout the year, inviting even more cosmic shifts, changes and erratic happenings in the upcoming months. However, contrary to popular belief, retrogrades can offer you the opportunity to destress, chill and reflect on your life. It is not just pessimism in store for you at this time, as you can use this retrograde to press reset and reorient your life for the better during this planetary shift.

 

What is Mercury retrograde?

Mercury going retrograde or seeming to move ‘backwards’ is an optical illusion. The planet is not actually going in reverse; it is simply slowing down. Normally, Mercury’s motion around the sun is faster than that of the earth. While the earth takes 365 days to complete a trip around the sun, Mercury only requires 88 days to do the same. This gives rise to the optical illusion of it moving ‘backwards’ from west to east, instead of east to west.

 

This outlying celestial phenomenon tends to have repercussions down here on earth as well, according to astrologers. The domains which Mercury usually rules seamlessly, are seemingly disrupted when the planet slows down or appears to ‘dance backwards’

 

What to expect during Mercury retrograde?

This particular Mercury retrograde might be a bit rocky given that it is occurring right in the middle of eclipse season. Brace yourself for minor mishaps, long delays in receiving pertinent information or important paperwork related to your career. If you are all set to travel during this time, you may experience problems like losing money, being billed twice or damaging your digital devices. An unwanted old friend or foe or even an ex-partner could resurface for a bit, giving rise to tensions and arguments.

 

You must prepare yourself for disturbances in travel, communication, news and related areas of life. The retrograde may even invite false gossip, meltdowns, miscommunications during work, technology fails and missed flights and delays when it comes to travel.

 

The first phase of the Mercury retrograde, which is in Gemini from 10 May to 22 May, is a positive period as compared to the second phase in Taurus, since Mercury enjoys being in Gemini. As per astrologers, during the first 12 days, it is advisable to take care of your mental wellbeing, meditate and practice yoga to calm yourself, gain clarity and avoid being overwhelmed. This period shall offer you the chance to adjust your life as you undergo difficult yet profound changes.

 

With a major vibe shift on 22 May, Mercury enters Taurus, a sign which alludes to the qualities of stubbornness, diplomacy and indulgence, contrary to Gemini. Since Mercury does not particularly like being in the sign of Taurus due to their conflicting natures, you may feel inclined to go against Mercury’s flow and relax and slow down even more. You might feel like something is physically weighing you down and making you feel extra lethargic.

 

Make sure that you are not procrastinating your pending tasks to your detriment, during this phase of the retrograde. Manage your time properly and avoid allowing leisure to turn to laziness.

 

How do we cope with this astrological shift?

Taking a note from Mercury’s slowdown, this is a good time to realign yourself to your centre, reflect and relax in your personal life. Avoid doing things which overwhelm you and take time to focus on what really matters. Since accidents, mishaps and misunderstandings tend to happen more frequently during the Mercury retrograde, you must be careful and take your time while commuting as well as communicating.

 

Instances of emails and text messages not being delivered or the GPS failing may occur in this phase. So, double check your work emails and all things related to technology. Editing is essential and less is definitely more in this scenario. It is advisable to take a deep breath, and ruminate over what you will be adding to a conversation instead of blindly jumping in. This shall keep miscommunications at bay.

 

How can we avoid failure during Mercury retrograde?

Mercury retrograde might be tough, but it is surely not unbearable. If you arm yourself with the right mental tools, you will glide through the entire period with minimal hiccups. To do this, avoid rushing through projects or tasks and do not overlook the details.

 

Do not speed while driving to work and be extra careful while travelling. Make sure you are carrying your passports and relevant documents and charge your electronics fully. It is advisable to move at a slower pace and not miss important details.

 

Make good use of this time to transform and heal old wounds, relationships and friendships. Let go of past hard feelings and release the harboured negative energies. In case you are having disagreements with the people around you, try and place yourself in their shoes before jumping to conclusions and starting a fight. Practise patience consistently as the retrograde encourages you to revise, reassess and refocus.

 

Last but not the least, do not be afraid of the retrograde. This celestial shift exists to show you the right direction and offer different perspectives and clarity in your current life. You will not be affected by this event if you take it in stride and think of it as a time for acquiring a deeper level of consciousness and an improved understanding of yourself, others and new situations. 

[amuse.ed]

 

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

16 May 2011 Monday, Weather: 33 Celsius, 

 

Diary, another two bodies were found within the past one week with similar MO. The Commissioner is very concerned as the discovery of the first body happened just a month prior to election. My Divisional Head Investigator (HI) reminded us that these series of killings shall not be divulge as it coincided with the nation's General Election period My HI is a very meticulous and task-orientated person. He joined the force under the scholarship scheme and at the age of 44 years old he has rose his rank to where he is now.

 

As a leader, I feel that he is very humble and we are all very surprised that he is still single with no recorded girlfriends (according to reliable sources) at his age. As fellow investigators, we tend to have this habit of doing people profiling, a job hazard I would say. According to one of the most popular Asian family cultural beliefs, if one has yet to be attached or married to a lady after 45years old, this person will be most likely a single all his life. Hmmm... seems true because I personally knew of men who are still unmarried way after 45yo.

 

Anyway HI enjoys going to the gym and ensure that his body is on the tip top condition, something that I really admired and have no time (excuses?) to do. Though handsomeness lies in the eyes of one's beholder, he does have the charisma to rally his men and women to strive and solve many heinous crimes for the 7 years. Hmmm why am I talking so much about him? Anyway, there are also other interesting superiors and colleagues that I work alongside with, will introduce to you as I "pour my woes" to you. lol.  Anyway my days and nights are either spent in the office or outdoor collating evidences, interviewed 100 over witnesses and 300 over reports in total. Its tired yet fulfilling and the stress its really eustress, not anything else. 

 

Last week was the nation's general election, I and my team have to double up as plain clothes officers as well to ensure public safety. This year election came to a surprise for many, the nation has lost two constituencies and it marked the first time in the history where the opposition party assumed their responsibilities for a major constituency. And the vote share was at a record low of almost 6-4. 

 

Its a walk-over for my constituency and I am not required to vote. The outcome of the election result didn't surprise me because there were a few policy decisions made that are controversial but what shocks me was a few anchored politicians who has helmed critical positions in Parliament announced either on their departure, retirement or stepping down from the cabinet. What a year for the nation's political scene.

 

Diary I am unsure if I should link this drastic change with the serial killings that is happening but all I know is that the citizens may genuinely not ready for this coupled with such major change in the political scene. Now I finally knew the reasons why the nation's leadership choose not to divulge the serial killings to the public, it has made more sense to me now. 

 

Tomorrow is Vesak Day and as a born again Christian, it has been awhile since I have visited the Guan Yin temple where I used to visit regularly during childhood. Perhaps its time for me to do a re-visit but my ex-pastor did state that believers have to practice restrain to visit such places of religious practices. I am unsure Diary, but since Dad and Mum are still Taoist believers I feel that its good to fetch them together with Eng Ming to visit the temple tomorrow for awhile before I report for work.   

 

Ok got to report to work for the day. Good day Diary. 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 17号 星期二 热 Med Count-down: 1200mg

 

Dear Dairy, ET bumped into someone familiar on the train this morning, He wondered if he saw ET but he was curious any reason for this person to kept lowering his head yet stood at back of the train in such distinct position.

 

五米的"偷瞄"

 

我往左望 见你站在列车尾端

低着头 站在离我五米的远方 

 

戴着口罩体型健硕潇洒依旧

你似乎查觉我在车厢坐 

 

你别来无恙的样子显得从容不迫

你是否有时不时地"偷瞄"我 

 

也许我俩已知因和果

也许我俩已心照不宣

也许我俩已到了尽头 

 

打个昭呼就显得有点儿做作 

也许我俩真的也没什么好说

所以连打个招呼也懒得做

 

就让我俩远远地"偷瞄"着彼此 

我回忆着我俩 那一幕幕的美好时刻

 

你呢？你是否有"偷瞄"我？

 

柚子

17.05.2022

Edited May 17, 2022 by amuse.ed

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 18号 星期三 热 Med Count-down: 1200mg 

 

看见

作词：唐玉璇
作曲：唐玉璇
编曲：梁定江

 

＃沙漠里面　没有人烟
　没有水　没有雨
　没有你的消息
　太少时间　太多想念
　我的心　你的影
　叠在重重风沙里＃

＊我看见了　我看见绿洲和海洋
　风沙里　寂寞里
　海市蜃楼的倒影
　我看见了　我看见掠过的回忆
　在雾里走下去
　何时才能让我再看见你＊

 

[amuse.ed]

** Unless otherwise stated, all characters, corporations, and establishments are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental."

 

20 May 2011 , Friday, Weather 31 Celsius, Light Rain

 

 

Diary, its been four days since my last entry. The killings seem to have stop, six bodies thus far and all have no clue when and where the killer is going to strike. The team and I did our due diligence in gathering all evidences and watched most CCTVs with absolutely no clear clue at all. Now even HI is suspecting if the necklace pendent that is shaped of a Caduceus belonged to the decease or otherwise. The next of kin of most victims and all potential eye witnesses were interviewed and as we sat down to conduct a case conference, several traits and issues arises that may point us towards something

 

1) No clear or little indication of break-ins meaning killer(s) may be someone(s) familiar to the victims. 

2) No or little ransack- if there was it may act as a decoy

3) MOs are almost similar in nature

4) No prints and little evidences were collected

5) All victims mostly males in their 50s to 70s passed on "in peace" with no or little blood shed

 

Fcuk! The phone rang.... got to go Dairy.

 

 

[amuse.ed]

2022年 05月 21号 星期六 热 Med Count-down: 1000mg

 

因为爱X选择沉默 

 

爱 需要沟通
互相交流包容

不足挂齿 还是

说白了又怕显得变扭

离开那夜我无话可说
却感受那撕蝎底理的痛

欢歌笑语 想走到最后

却在那条街道 失去自我

尘埃已定 无需回应
寻寻觅觅 梦里相遇

三言两语 二话不说

一言难尽 零点距离

你始终无动于衷

再回首 也挽回不了什么
就平静地离开那场梦
因为爱。。。我选择了沉默

 

柚子

21.05.2022