amuse.ed Posted November 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 2020年 11月 05号 星期四 热 Dear Diary, weather turns hot and humid again. That's Singapore weather for you. Often its like 忽冷忽热.... akin human relationships. My energies abit quirky lately, Could it be andropause that I am experiencing? But I am 42... has it come early? Perhaps its this world of uncertainties that I am in now that I am feeling insecure with myself.. what can I do to curb it? I have no answer for now but did like to choose to think and feel that change is constant and I have to adapt to it. "ET, you have come this far and to reach this life phase is pretty commendable". Ok that statement is just a booster and self consolation. Dairy, last night I spoke about trust and the fact that there are only that few people that I feel can be trusted. This was stemmed from childhood where there were many mistrust situations that I had experienced. That bring me to this question...What contribute to trust? How can I do to consciously build it? After much thoughts, imho trust has these few elements: T: Tenacity-- should withstand time R: Relational-- its relatable, bilateral U: Understand-- seek to understand S: Steadfast-- not easily shaken T: Totality-- Its an overall holistic experience If there is a checklist or a scale to rate each element... I think I will fail big time. Hmmm.... its like me now opening up a can of worms and I couldn't close it now. Again shooting myself at the foot unnecessarily. 😅😅😅 I need a break Diary, a break from all these human interperonal relationships and focus on my ikigai. May I emerge stronger after I sort through my thoughts and emotions on this matter (or never will). Its a life skill that I need to refine Perhaps the stars and planets are telling me something. "Recharging myself in progress......." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 (edited) @1600hrs " we need to think much less about trust, let alone about attitudes of trust detected or mis-detected by opinion polls, much more about being trustworthy, and how you give people adequate, useful and simple evidence that you're trustworthy. " " There's three things about trust. If you sense that I am being authentic, you are much more likely to trust me. If you sense that I have real rigor in my logic, you are far more likely to trust me. And if you believe that my empathy is directed towards you, you are far more likely to trust me. When all three of these things are working, we have great trust. But if any one of these three gets shaky, if any one of these three wobbles, trust is threatened. " Edited November 5, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 5, 2020 2020年 11月 06号 星期五 暖 白云你是否同意。。。喜欢与爱的不同点就是你一生可以喜欢很多很多，但爱是份较奇特的感觉。爱，也只能爱那独一无二。朋友说我傻，但这就是我，游走于那宇宙赐给我的本能-- 一心一意，刻苦铭心地去爱着他。就好比那深藏在心底的，那冰山底下的，那深蒂固的，那土壤树根埋着的。我曾经以为我可以掠过我这一关，但我还是不能，真的无法直视这愚钝的我。也许，或许当我老了，回忆起那段时光可能还会历历在目，也有可能这下半辈子留下也永远碰不着面。这就是人生。。。它总是把我推进那坑里，让我久久无力爬出，险象环生。难道这就是那所谓的无法自拔吗？因为有他的"加持"，我对人少了那份信任感。专家说。。。要获取别人的信任，自己得要对他人坦诚相待，做人要真诚。难道我可以对他人说 "对不起，我对你的信任度非常之底吗?" 可以，但下一回可能就见不着他了吧。我累了，真的累了。假如爱与信任是一道美味佳肴，我真的无法消受它们，毕竟这两者是共存的，我咽不下。就让那份爱去该去的地方因为我心已死。就让那份信任去该去的地方因为我脑已残。可能这样身活会好过一些，毕竟人性本就是恶，只不过经历多年的熏陶与洗礼，大家都变得以善为本。这世界真疯狂呀！白云，不是吗？ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 6, 2020 @2240hrs Dear Diary, yes I know... was abit drama 21hrs ago but that's the manifestation of the other part of me (Firefighter) according to the psychological modality- Internal Family System (IFS). Woke up this morning feeling better after texting what went through my mind and heart this morning. OW suggested that perhaps its time for me to write more to fill up the gaps. OW is one of my friends who I mentioned awhile ago and he already knew of your existences Dairy.... he is also a fan of the latest Taiwan movie "Your name engraved herein". OW suggested that I should give X a name, describing more of his personality etc. In my mind, I was thinking.....11 days time year 2001 would be the day I encountered the landrover accident that changed my entire life and in 5 days last year was when I started this journal. Perhaps its time..... or should I just wait awhile more..... because what I am going to write involves taboo topics i.e. mental illnesses, sexuality, religion and abuses.... something not many wish to talk about it??? Grant me the wisdom Diary and open doors to situations and circumstances which allow me to write more extensively. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 9, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 9, 2020 2020年 11月 09号 星期一 冷 {{{(>_<)}}} Dear Diary, frankly speaking what is the wisest way to reject a person? These are a few possibilities to consider: 1) Ignore and dissociate him totally 2) Draw a boundary, interect when necessary 3) Divert him, bring him to another grouping 4) Tell him honestly. Let him choose if he wish to continue the friendship Often I will not choose 1) because I feel that it's already painful to be rejected in the first place so what I will do is to tell the person honestly about how both of us could carry on the friendship. There were instances where I hope situations will not turn too sour but in the end there's no other choice but the person drifted away. A classic example was the encounters I had on the gay app, mostvchoose to dissociate. In the past, I am idealist and thought that most people on the apps wish to continue the friendship after some sex talk or actions but I was wrong. The only one whom I managed to keep in touch with was OW. I guessed both of us are pretty lonely back then when we first chat via the app. There's no sex action at the end but a good chat over several meals was what we did. There was a period of time where we didn't keep in touch but after awhile we managed to reconnect. I remembered one of the first few meals we had was the porridge and frog clay pot. I do not know how he felt back then but I thought I had quite a good time chatting with him. Before I left for China last year, OW was one of the few I met up with, not knowing if I would return since it was a work trip that involved lots of travelling, I thought its good to meet a few of my friends up just in case I couldn't make it back to Singapore due to mishaps or accidents. Dear OW, thank you for being a friend all these while. Though we may not be in constant contact but I know that one of these days you will find someone who will truly love you for who you are. I wonder why you were so ga ga over 刻在我心底的名字 but I believe there was this person you may have loved as much as I did with X. Take good care... may happiness and peace be with you always. Ok am I drama or what. Hahaha. This is a poem I wrote on my past encounters, 😅😅😅 我和你 我们彼此好像看到互相的缩影 有时谈得起劲 有时又互相较劲 假如今天你能带我走 你会想带我去哪儿里? 天堂? 地狱? 还是沦落人间 继续颓废游走下去 私讯来去自如 却无法弥补那空虚 是互相的过渡 还真的搞不清楚 不想过于付出 因为害怕失去后的孤独 所以才会陷入那沉沦底谷 祈福宇宙派贵人来守护 而不是沦落成一件囊中物 柚子 09.11.2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2020 (edited) 2020年 11月 11号 星期三 热 Dear Dairy, I cannot believe this is happening, I lost the entire content of what I had just written. Perhaps, it was not meant to be texted down but seriously it took me quite awhile to formulate my thoughts. Here is what I have typed 30mins ago and I will try to reproduce it. "Dear Diary, time flies, it has been a year since I have started journaling via this platform. My English and Chinese is half past six neither here nor there but still, when I was reminded that I can revived my writing again, journaling came to my mind instinctively. Initially, I thought of giving it a twist by hiding myself behind this "19yr old boy" (which signifies the years that I have been living as a person with bipolar disorder") but as months passed by I could not continue as I am no longer writing in sync so after much thoughts I decided to best reveal my true self via this platform. Diary so what you have been reading thus far since April 2020 was my deepest thoughts and emotions towards certain issues in life and what I have always believe for. In retrospect, it hasn't been a pleasant experience being diagnosis with a mental disorder, the discrimination and stigmatization are still there even till today. When I heard that there are people living with mental disorder earning $2.50 per hour for a cleaning job, my heart sank. I am blessed that I am still functionable cognitively and could perform complicated tasks. Tasks are just tasks but when it comes to human, its not only complicated but complex, confusing and its everywhere, yes everywhere literally. It is always the human that I need to grapple with and it has always been challenging. Homosexuality by itself is never a mental illness, I did like to see myself as a person who has struggles with my sexuality rather than a person with mental illness. But the discrimination for both cut through at every level of the ecological system is so intense that I somehow snapped emotionally and it somehow affects the chemicals in brain. And it doesn't help when the challenge with my "bipolar disorder" is not as surmounting as the people I have encountered with. Whenever I read of crime news that involved with men in extreme criminal behaviours or sexual related, I would wonder what did they experience in the past that makes them who they are now? The point that I am making is...... with all the pains and grievances I have been through, I could have committed an offence and land myself in the criminal judicial system but thankfully SELF-CONTROL and my family has always been the first thing that came to my mind. Thus, SELF coupled with robust relationships prevented me from doing something criminal. But both self and relationships are somewhat subjective, what are well-established self and relationship to me may not be good for the other person. Henceforth the best is to look for people who are like-minded and build on that bond with one another at the same time focusing on SELF and its developments. Moving on, I also hope that more could be addressing the differences between mental, emotional and psychological health, knowing that it should be clearly distinguished so that people will not be wrongly labeled. Though I still find DSM a crap to begin with yet the peace and all due respect for the other camp, I choose to agree to disagree...... live and let live. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolution-the-self/201905/live-and-let-live-so-easy-say-so-hard-do https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shouldstorm/202008/what-if-some-mental-disorders-arent-really-disorders?fbclid=IwAR2AvwgzTUdjkvYnAlFLSF1uA6Ge1-egJWEIzgPaf8R2b_MsvWoUYQNjqmA (What if ALL mental disorders are not a disorder after all?) Edited November 11, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 12, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 12, 2020 2020年 11月 12号 星期四 热 Dear Diary, I managed to watch Mark Lee No. 1 yesterday, one should go watch it, it address some societal challenges faced by the queer community and there are some segments that resonated very strongly. The casting was excellent and the entire pacing is acceptable though there were parts that were predictable, it still impactful. Most of the scenes reminded me of the good old days where there was drag shows in Singapore almost every weekend. The stage presence by them were undeniable. One thing that struck me was when Mark Lee challenged the old concept of lip synching, breaking the norm and dare to try something different. The segment where he sang the song 女人花 touched me the most. Little did I expect that he could see pretty well. Of course, there was one part where I almost cried, the scene where Mark Lee stood up to address bullying and the gang walked down along the deserted CBD with one of them yelled. I did that once years ago and the person with me was DN. I remembered there was so much pent up frustrations in me back then trying to reconcile my sexuality vs. the realities in the societies. There were so much stress, shame and guilt in me that I indulge myself in alcohol. A substance that somehow "will bring that pain away". Of course that wasn't the antidote to my challenges but I have to admit that it did help me during the transition. And I am also blessed to have DN who stood by me also, accompanied me, ensuring that I am ok. DN is someone who is willing to weather storms with another person. Though we may have different religious beliefs right now but he has never failed to show up just at that precise moment to bring me a little dose of comfort. Dear DN, Thanks for always being there for me at those precise moments. You have shown what is a true spirit of live and let live. We may hold different perspectives and philosophies in life, your empathic nature has never fails. Though we have each choose a different path, I firmly believe that you will be at peace with what you have chosen to lead your life. May our friendship continue to blossom and hopefully I can be your blessing one of these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 14, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 14, 2020 (edited) 2020年 11月 14号 星期六 热 Dear Diary, managed to take a good break away from work for the past three days to recharge. I think recharging is very important, its also part of self care. Be it taking a sip of kopi from a nearby coffeeshop or a nature walk at a park, so long as one gain fulfillment in what they enjoyed doing, that is it. This three days break allowed me to ponder over a few things as well. Where am I heading for the final six weeks of 2020 and 2021. 2020 is a year for me to take a breather from the some of my undesirable behaviours i.e. drinking and I hope this would sustain for long. Somehow i have mixed feelings... though I enjoyed my usual red wine, whiskey and vodka but an excess of it is seriously unwise. As my Taiwan ex therapist gave me an option before, instead of indulging and immersed in alcoholism before its too late why not take time to study and research on how alcohol was made and expand my knowledge on it? It dawned on me that I can actually do that. But I guessed... drinking alcohol is just a form of escapism from something and I knew what was it, a necessity evil I would say. In fact nowadays, I still smoke but I always tell myself to do it within what I can control. I did like to choose to believe that everyone of us has an addiction somehow, but its a matter of how severe, explicit and what are the consequences or repercussions that followed after the act. I have my blind spots and often I am unable to see them until by closest friend or family members highlighted it. Again these comments are usually unpleasant to my ears and its up to my readiness and willingness to accept it. Take for example, there was this once one of my friends told me that I am being too diplomatic and played chameleon all the time but to me that's how I function all my life, its has never been a blindspot. Imho I am being adaptable and appreciated every single situation and there's nothing unwise about that. Actually i do not wish to be too extreme as well while managing my personal and professional life so I often took a neutral stance.... but all these caused some people to view me at a different light. So is that really my blindspot? Diary, I understand that realistically there are no black and white. The only extreme view I took was "All men are born evil (women included)" but this ideology is to support me in gaining closures with all those past hurts, unpleasantness and taking more discerning steps, moving on. Furthermore I do acknowledged that even when men are born evil, we are always in pursuance of doing good and be kind to their best capability i.e. being in a religion or doing kind meaningful deeds. I do have my fair share of blessings from my family, friends, professionals and aquantice as well. Fundamentally its a matter of whether which kind of life we wish to live.... do I wish to return to my evil born nature or continue to pursue a kind hearted and good natured me? With my past profile I could have detest the world and took matters in my own hands committing heinous crimes out there? But what stops me from returning to my evil nature? I could have chosen the darker side but I didn't or was I building on something? Hmmmm.... maybe yes and maybe no. The difference between a human vs animal we are intellectually inclined who has the ability to express ourselves in many wonderful ways so for me I will choose to do more good than evil. Ok that's all for now Diary. Thanks for being here for me once again. Edited November 14, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 15, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 15, 2020 2020年 11月 15号 星期日 热 Dear Diary, its another busy day for me today. As a self employed and freelancer I have to sacrifice my weekends.... in fact I love this form of work arrangements.... at least I get to take a break during the weekdays and immerse myself in those parks and venues that are less crowded. Lately I have people approaching me giving me ideas on my area of work, its a pretty insightful discussion where we spoke of intrinsic and extrinsic rewards people engaged in work and I shared the concept of Ikigai them. All agreed that its tough to attain but still possible if we pressed hard for it. There is particular person I noticed, he is approaching 30 and a promising young man with awesome work attitude, great personality and fabulous insights. Diary I must admit that I was smitten by him. He has that silent persona and charisma that creep in that attracted me. Well, he will jolly well be just another passer by in my life.... one of the chatting companions for that few hours. Life is as such isn't it, Diary? Anyway he gave me the vibe that he is a PLU but trying to act straight like me. 🤪 Honestly, there is no need for me to probe further, its akin what the Chinese always says 心照不宣. The more I pursue I could possibly lost that connection with this person.... its already a known pattern in my life.... silence is golden in this case. Ok.... going to get busy Diary. May I have a good day ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 16, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 16, 2020 2020年 11月 16号 星期一 热 Dear Diary, encountered a similar theme for the past one month. A revisitation of the people from the past. It has indeed challenge me on how I could assert myself in these situations. Its been years and suddenly these people choose to reappear... was it a test for my magnanimity or something else? One of them said because I came across his mind suddenly and there was no follow up thereafter. The other said I am always on his mind. Then what? Another said that I should have told him earlier that I didn't wish to meet and no longer he shall make any reunion arrangements and suddenly I am the one to be blame (am I not glad that I made my stand clear.) Diary, my life has since move on without them after so many years..... so am I just a void or a dine out pax number that needed to be filled? I think this is a season to test my practice of 断舍离， the ability to disconnect, forsake and distant myself away from people of my past. i am moving on in life at my own pace now and I have a choice whether I should reconnect with these people right? I came across this narration recently and I thought that its meaningful... it stated that I am my own benefactor and the only one who will choose to have a pleasant or unpleasant experience with the people I met is me. Perhaps its my karma with them in the previous life and they continue to seek after me.... but now I have chosen to put a halt to it. The author further added that the initiation has to be discerned by two criterias 心要正, 心要清.... whether the initiator did it out of a clear and conscious heart. By what has happened, I doubted it was. Here's the article, hope I will keep this in mind whenever the past choose to revisit me. 无师独悟 MUSHI DOKUGO - 001 自己是自己最好的贵人 释迦牟尼说：无论你遇见谁, 他都是你生命该出现的人, 绝非偶然, 他一定会教会你一些什么, 有的人教会你成长, 有的人带给你痛苦, 有的人影响你的命运, 有的人改变你的人生. 而这一切, 其实都是因为你自己接受了, 并且做出了相应的举动, 然后才会拥有的结果, 每一个帮助, 带来痛苦给我们的人都值得感恩, 他们是我们生命里的贵人. 带来痛苦给你的人, 抛弃你, 骗你, 也是你的贵人. 很多时候我们为了捡便宜, 听好话, 走捷径, 为了不要学习, 不要工作, 去相信所谓大师的话, 朋友家长, 所谓制度的话. 往往都会被骗. 不过这些贵人是来度你的, 有的是你前世帮过他, 有的是你前世害过他, 是来讨债的. 要如何分辨呢? 心要正, 心要清. 之后去感谢他们. 答案就有了. 而人生一路走来, 最值得感恩的, 始终是你自己, 你自己更是你真正的贵人. 是你自己, 让自己学会了成长和成熟, 学会了爱别人和自爱. 学会与白云与自然相处. All love All 只有爱 Credit: FB posting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 17, 2020 (edited) 2020年 11月 17号 星期二 雨 Dear Dairy, fell into a state of sleeplessness last night over what had happened yesterday. Was abit overwhelmed emotionally..... then it came upon me that 20yrs ago at this period of time I met with the traffic accident that changed my entire life. I am still incompetent to drive a car due to post traumatic stress disorder. No wonder something just left me in a limbo. That's a very quirky feeling in me since the start of November. K reminded me that I am Highly Sensitive People (HSP) and often easily triggered by what I have experienced externally and internally in which I totally agreed. Yesterday revisits from the past did open some compartments without my permission and all those memories just popped up and scattered all over. Its like being swarmed by a big tsunami of emotions. I am glad that I came acrossed yesterday article that reminded me that I am my own benefactor and there is a purpose why these people exist be it the pleasant ones or the unpleasant. I then reviewed my Astrology predictions strategies and coincidentally my Astrologer messaged me as well, I took the opportunity to tell him what had happened and glad that someone was there to render support by just reading my woes. All I need to do now is to regulate my emotions and switched to my objective mode. So what I did was to count my blessings throughout these 20yrs. I diminished the whys but focus on the whats. What made me survived even though I been through all the abuses and traumas? What triggers that resiliency in me and how did I attain the PEACE in the midst of all these life chaos? Dairy I cannot stop the people, past and memories from flooding in but I can choose to regulate and tell myself the need to attain PEACE and pay gratitude for even the articles that I read that support and sustain me till this day. I cannot deny that last night there was passing thoughts to end it all again but as I managed to divert my attention on my Ikigai, the here and now I am indeed very blessed by the universe. Thankfully I can have a choice not to work today and I manage to fall into deep sleep throughout the day, woke up and feeling refreshed. I shared with my parents on my recollection of the accident and both of them marvel on how i have survived my ordeal. Yes by talking about it to my loved ones helps too. As I counted my blessings, there are hope and with that sense of hope comes with a mission in which I can find meaning hence help me to attain the PEACE. Thanks Cloud Diary for being here for me as well. Edited November 17, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 18, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 18, 2020 2020年 11月 18号 星期三 晴 Dear Diary, feeling better today, managed to fell into deep sleep last night. Glad that I met up with a friend last evening and chatted over tea. He provided me with some insights in which supported my responses. All I can conclude is people come and go, those who will stay on will do so even without much peruse. If they choose to revisit, I can have every right to ignore and shoo them away hence not taking up their shit or monkey businesses, with that I am at peace. This morning, I was reading a chain of messages on the conversion aka reparative therapy and its trauma extended from it, in the local context. Having to experience it with one of the churches in Singapore, all I can say is that the therapy has speeded my decision on which path I need to lead, though it took almost 3 years for that realization to take place. Haha. Its undeniable that the brotherhood formed among my ex-church mates during those days was pretty strong, the only thing that sucks was that if one chose to lead a gay life, members were told to dissociate and not keep in touch with those who has "back-slide" and "fell into the traps of the evil ones". Well come to think of it, isn't it the same with people would avoid one another if they are not of like-minded? Even I encountered this till today. I think the trauma extended that was formed within me is the inability to let go and wanting the locus of control in my life. I do feel that letting go is a life lessons that I seriously need to practice, it is not as easy as clenching my fist tightly and release it but its more than that intrinsically. There were songs that said let it go but always easier said than done. So what are the steps of letting go? There is no cookie cutter or a formulae but certainly I am still searching what matches and fits me the most. Ok I got to get busy Diary. Have a good day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 19, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 19, 2020 2020年 11月 19号 星期四 晴 Should I choose to be silence? Some issues are meant not to be disclosed Once its out in the public A "wave of tsunami will hit the shore" Will I be ready to witness this phenomenon Will I be willing to bear its consequences? But it has been two good solid decades And nothing seems to have improved since Tried to wash my linens in the public back then But was hindered the biggest time I faced alot of repercussions and silent protests So I choose to retract myself back in the closet But I am not happy and at peace with my life Seriously some matters are best left to be unsaid But if a non-disclosure is chosen There will be alot of injustices and unfairness Am I perpetuating the unhealthy ecosystem Yes I think I am..... How many choices do I have? Perhaps I should just follow what an old saying 天时地利人和 Or simply I am unable to let go and wish to be in control? To apply wisdom and discernment Only to divulge at the right time, right place to the right people And I believe the Universe will tell me when ET 19.11.2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 20, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2020 2020年 11月 20号 星期五 晴 Dear Diary, it happened yesterday morning. Received a missed call from this hp no. returned call and it was from one of my ex-supervisors, YL...the usual reason.... that my name was mixed up with a new colleague. Anyway YL ended the call by telling me "Do remember to return to God". By the way, YL was the one who requested me to leave the ex-organisation because I choose to be gay. It's a faith based organisation and my sexuality is considered as corporate sinning and I was told I am not permissible to be their full time staff. After I hang up the call, I told my mother about this and she started to question me why would I tell YL back then on my shameful decision, the word my mother used was "xia suay" in Hokkien. And she started to add on stating that my 2nd maternal grand aunt once told her that if she has a son who is a gay, she would rather jump and commit suicide. Dairy, so after all these years my mother still find me, her son..... shameful. There were some exchanges of words which I expressed my disappointment to her and the next thing I knew was she went into the room. Before I left for my appointments, I managed to talk to her but it was of another topic and today we managed to talk as well. Diary, over the years I have faced discrimination over at workplaces either due to my sexuality or mental illnesses or both but knowing that my loved ones still hold prejudices against my sexuality do hurt me. Then I realized that there is no one who I can talk to about how I feel and think about the conversation I had with my mother, not even K and H. I braved through the day, met up with H and talked more about our work, then met up with another two friends for dinner and spout some nonsenses but that was it. At the end of the day, I left for home alone, trying not to think or feel too much of what had happened in the morning. Wanting to whip up some dessert today but felt so lethargic the entire day. Now I am texting, as the emotions sinks in, I tell myself to brave up and move on. Diary, I am so tired seriously, I really do not know how far this ( ) will bring me.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2020 2020年 11月 21号 星期六 晴 Dear Mi, I really hope I can better response to you two mornings ago when you commented that word. I know it hasn't been easy for you and Pa to accept the truth that their son is a gay. You have seen how I struggled all these while. You may also have heard how I was abused at a tender age. I remembered you even stood up for me once when I was approached by an aggressive father who maligned that I kept borrowing stationary from his daughter??? I was 7yrs old back then. I always look up to you as someone who is very strong and resilience but the western psychology somehow labelled you as "domineering", "overbearing", "tiger mum". I didn't get to know these terms in depth until when I read through the reparative therapy literature that explain the reasons why would I have same sex attractions tendencies in my early 20s. I recalled there were many times when you canned me and Jie, locked yourself in the bedroom for nights because you have quarrelled with Pa or you were angry with me and Jie..... and even ran out of the house when those anger in you seems so unbearable. I and Jie would often be lost, unsure of what to do, kept worrying for your safety and baffled over why adults have to quarrel with such intensity. You always joked that you would have divorced Pa and remarried to a wealthier man if I have not stop you from leaving the house after another big quarrel with Pa when I was 10yrs old. Yes you were very pretty back then and I believed many eligible men will go after you, do I have regrets for stopping you from leaving? Yes I did and it still haunts me till today. If you have left, you would be remarried and have many grandchildren by now and not having to face up a gay son like me who is on the other spectrum, never going to bear you a grandson. As I grew up and after studying counselling and psychology, it became more evident that I have been exposed to emotional, psychological and sexual abuses and trauma since young. Yes sexual abuse, I wonder have you all ever brought this up at a family conference with Dr Yap many years ago at the initial of my bipolar disorder diagnosis. It seems like no one wish to talk about it. The few times it was mentioned were when we gotten so fed up with one another and we started to rake up the past. I believe all of us are trying to make sense and find explanations on why "such misfortune" has landed on this family. Seriously having to go through so much abuses, discrimination and stigmatisation for the past three decades, I don't really care ler. All these while, I wish that you can blessed me for who I truly wish to be. There's no turning back for me now seriously. Please do not expect that I will marry late just like 小舅 or those Mediacorp actors who married late. For once, let me decide for myself how will I want to live my life please. 🙏🙏🙏 Yours Faithfully, ET Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 22, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2020 2020年 11月 22号 星期日 冷 {{{(>_<)}}} 问白云 作词：沈华 作曲：王福龄 问白云，你有多少愁，问白云，你有多少忧。 旧愁散不尽，新怨上心头， 一朵儿沉落，半朵儿浮。 问白云，你有多少深，问白云，你有多少层。 故乡望不见，知己常离分， 遮住了欢笑，盖住了恨。 我追着问又跟着问，痴痴的白云默无声， 用白纸题下了无言诗，字字行行化泪痕， 借风吹向白云层，我劳你做一个送信的人， 将那首无言诗，一句句念给我的心上人。 问白云，欢乐何处有，问白云，好景哪里久。 千山你飘零，万水你曾游， 为什么徬徨，为什么留。 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 23, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 23, 2020 2020年 11月 23号 星期一 冷 {{{(>_<)}}} Dear Diary, finally cooked my favorite BoBo Cha Cha dessert today and added just a little bit more salt. 🤣 Mum cooked Chinese wine sesame chicken last night which is one of my favorites. We didn't talk much for the past few days as I was busy with work. Guess that episode has come to an end or was it a brewing of something massive? I dare not think Dairy, I just wish that situation will improved and my final month of 2020 will be in peace and harmony with everyone. Anyway, did a translation for the following article that I posted here a few days ago. Alot of situations are being controlled and regulated by SELF, this article had spoken to me for this season of life and I am glad that instead of externalizing my issues, I am given a choice and autonomy to choose how can I response to life adversities. Continue to give me strength Diary. Thank you. 无师独悟 MUSHI DOKUGO - 001 自己是自己最好的贵人 释迦牟尼说：无论你遇见谁, 他都是你生命该出现的人, 绝非偶然, 他一定会教会你一些什么, 有的人教会你成长, 有的人带给你痛苦, 有的人影响你的命运, 有的人改变你的人生. 而这一切, 其实都是因为你自己接受了, 并且做出了相应的举动, 然后才会拥有的结果, 每一个帮助, 带来痛苦给我们的人都值得感恩, 他们是我们生命里的贵人. 带来痛苦给你的人, 抛弃你, 骗你, 也是你的贵人. 很多时候我们为了捡便宜, 听好话, 走捷径, 为了不要学习, 不要工作, 去相信所谓大师的话, 朋友家长, 所谓制度的话. 往往都会被骗. 不过这些贵人是来度你的, 有的是你前世帮过他, 有的是你前世害过他, 是来讨债的. 要如何分辨呢? 心要正, 心要清. 之后去感谢他们. 答案就有了. 而人生一路走来, 最值得感恩的, 始终是你自己, 你自己更是你真正的贵人. 是你自己, 让自己学会了成长和成熟, 学会了爱别人和自爱. 学会与白云与自然相处. All love All 只有爱 Credit: FB posting I am my own benefactor No matter who you meet, he is the one who should appear in your life, by no means by accident, he will teach you something, some people will teach you to grow up, some people bring you pain, some people affect your destiny, some people change your life. And all of this, in fact, is because you accepted this affinity, and made corresponding actions then came the result of the actions. Every cause and effect, good or bad are worthy of gratitude, these people are the benefactors in our lives. That includes those who brought you pain, abandoned you, deceived you. Often we prefer to listen to good words, take shortcuts, choose to believe in those words from the so-called master's words, friends and parents, so-called institutions. These benefactors are here to stay, some of them have helped you in the past, some are them are out "to kill you", its all about karma. How do one discern and respond to the good and the evil? Simple.... for every intend and situation, the heart must be at the right place, the conscience have to be clear. Thus we are our own benefactor. It's us who are in control of how we grow and mature, how we learn to love others and love ourselves, learn to reconcile and harmonize with the white clouds and nature. ET 19.11.2020 (Loosely translated from a FB article written in Chinese) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 27, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 27, 2020 2020年 11月 27号 星期五 冷 {{{(>_<)}} Dear Diary, feeling unwell these few days, could be an accumulation of negative energies for the past two weeks. Made some unwise choices in my dietary and now recovering from dirreahea. As an empath, I feel that its really important to keep my emotions at the bay. This heightened awareness allows me to avoid situations that were unpleasant or negative. I cannot deny that there are toxicity surrounding me be it a work culture or certain people including my mother. But alot of times its really 身不由己， unavoidable. How can I avoid my mother? So I allow filial piety "to take over" this negativity. Nowadays I will be quick to apologise to her even when I know its not my fault and often it works. I think my mother also knew how negative she can be but she is also 身不由己。As her son I will still have to show her the respect and its part of my responsibilities to ensure she has a platform to regulate her emotions as well. Filial piety is a act of goodness and kindness, it often overcomes all evils. Undeniably, the ecological system that I am in is also toxic to begin with. There are situations that drained me and its much evident that I have encountered people who are toxic for the past few days at work. The conversation seems constructive but at it went along, I realized that there were alot of discontent, condemnation, jealousy....so as much as how I try to reframe our conversation, it will still spiral into a state of negativity. A classic example was when I recently shared my concept of "All men are born evil" with a colleague but I was seriously rebutted by him. It is just a sharing and most importantly people need to just let and let live. The fact that I have this ideology is because of the life experiences I have been through and obviously he didn't take this ideology very well. Perhaps he was also fighting within his inner soul on this matter, I could sensed that as much as he adheres to the born kind ideology somehow mine has challenged him big time.... maybe he had experiences that could be as bad or could be even worse off than me. I wondered if he knew that his speech patterns and words used were very negative and darker than mine. So when he wield his sword and commented that my thinking is persistently negative and dark I knew that I have put him out of his comfort zone. When I told him I have already look beyond my own primary ideologies and since move on with a more optimistic perspective, he has this doubtful look on his face. Again, though I am born evil but I am constantly pursuing the good and kindness in which it was practiced on a daily basis. I will try my very level best not to go around being a naysayer or gossiping about people and a situation. I will always remember 三好- 说好话， 做好事， 存好心-- with a good heart to say the goodness and do good. This is imho a mantra to follow, for people who truly know me, they know that I can be a source of comfort and a bitch depending how the other treat me. I know this is still not good enough and i have to pursue a higher level of goodness. With that I am at peace. Am I right Diary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 28, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2020 2020年 11月 28号 星期六 冷 {{{(>_<)}} Thanks late Ms Anita Mui for the song. 🙏 女人花 作词：李安修 作曲：陈耀川 我有花一朵 种在我心中 含苞待放意幽幽 朝朝与暮暮 我切切地等候 有心的人来入梦 女人花 摇曳在红尘中 女人花 随风轻轻摆动 只盼望 有一双温柔手 能抚慰 我内心的寂寞 我有花一朵 花香满枝头 谁来真心寻芳踪 花开不多时啊堪折直须折 女人如花花似梦 我有花一朵 长在我心中 真情真爱无人懂 遍地的野草已占满了山坡 孤芳自赏最心痛 女人花 摇曳在红尘中 女人花 随风轻轻摆动 只盼望 有一双温柔手 能抚慰 我内心的寂寞 女人花 摇曳在红尘中 女人花 随风轻轻摆动 若是你 闻过了花香浓 别问我 花儿是为谁红 爱过知情重 醉过知酒浓 花开花谢终是空 缘份不停留 像春风来又走 女人如花花似梦 缘份不停留 像春风来又走 女人如花花似梦 女人如花花似梦 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted November 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2020 (edited) 2020年 11月 30号 星期一 晴 Dear Diary, its sleepless night and since I am not working later, thought of posting what I have read, listen for the past few days while under the weather. Diary, remember late Princess Diana? Apparently Netflix is showing The Crown S4 and late Princess Diana was featured in their 4th series. She passed away in a car accident, year 1997....She was one of the most courageous women of that era who braved to advocate for herself against all odds. Despite of her divorce , mental health conditions and how she was casted under the bad light, she devoted her time in charity works and fulfilled her due diligence, ensuring her children never lacked of mother's love. She became the people's princess, a remarkable lady who is now at a better place in heaven I believe. Her life experiences has taught me something, being true to myself and show kindness to people even if I am treated unfairly or redundant. For the past two weeks, I was placed in an awkward middle person position again. I finally voiced out my concerns, hopefully it would be listened to. Honestly speaking, I do have a threshold where I would not wish the line to be crossed. If it does, I will retract from the situation totally. I did this to keep myself sane, no more dramas and unrest..... Diary, I said my peace. Next, the below-mentioned article I came across over the weekend. It gave an affirmation on what I have been thinking of drug based approach to mental illness. Imho, if I was given a choice, its best if I could go without medications and sought natural healing at the initial phase of my treatment. I remembered Dr Yap and my parents used to suggest for me to go through Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) if I have challenges walking out of the woods. The resistance and reluctance of wanting to experience ECT pushed me ahead, I must admit the Bible and the relationship bonds I used to had with my Christian brothers back then somehow supported me in this aspect. Significant life and career challenges "breezed through my lifeline" and I was always this close to ECT but I am glad that medications were sufficient for me to tide through that period of struggles. Ok back to the article..... Diary, what struck me is this Q&A in which I resonated. Again an eclectic approach, I hope, could be further expounded in the future. Horgan: Do you see any progress toward understanding the causes of mental illness? Whitaker: Yes, and that progress might be summed up in this way: researchers are returning to investigations of how we are impacted by what has “happened to us.” The Adverse Childhood Experiences study provides compelling evidence of how traumas in childhood—divorce, poverty, abuse, bullying and so forth—exact a long-term toll on physical and mental health. Interview any group of women diagnosed with a serious mental disorder, and you’ll regularly find accounts of sexual abuse. Racism exacts a toll. So too poverty, oppressive working conditions, and so forth. You can go on and on, but all of this is a reminder that we humans are designed to respond to our environment, and it is quite clear that mental distress, in large part, arises from difficult environments and threatening experiences, past and present. And with a focus on life experiences as a source of “mental illness,” a related question is now being asked: what do we all need to be mentally well? Shelter, good food, meaning in life, someone to love and so forth—if you look at it from this perspective, you can see why, when those supporting elements begin to disappear, psychiatric difficulties appear. I am not discounting that there may be biological factors that cause “mental illness.” While biological markers that tell of a particular disorder have not been discovered, we are biological creatures, and we do know, for instance, that there are physical illnesses and toxins that can produce psychotic episodes. However, the progress that is being made at the moment is a moving away from the robotic “it’s all about brain chemistry” toward a rediscovery of the importance of our social lives and our experiences. Ok....getting sleepy, will continue writing later on..... zzzzz https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/has-the-drug-based-approach-to-mental-illness-failed/ Edited December 1, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 01号 星期二 晴 Dear Diary, its been awhile since I dreamt. Perhaps I did but its not that vivid. 2020 is ending soon and as I look back it has been a fruitful year. There were alot of things I wish to do but I will have to evaluate if its worthwhile doing. Recently I read an article on mental health professionals not knowing their competencies and skillset boundaries, rendered help to clients without proper training and supervision leaving them with an unpleasant experience ultimately. As much as I appreciate the importance of professional ethics, there are also other considerations as well. Such courses are expensive to begin with, not unless its heavily subsidized (mostly with a bond condition) if not it will cost a rocket to went through the process. I personally feel that I will also have to resonate with the interventions before I will embarked on it e.g. if I do not think Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helpful, its tough for me to be in sync with the academic progressions of it. But again if we talked about professionalism then the service providers have to be well equipped with the knowledge and be competent about it then that will be a different ball game altogether. At the initial phase of my career, I can be so hard up with which modalities were rendered until I have forgotten the fact I need to stay focus on client's narrative and their needs, build trust and therapeutic alliances and ensure clients understood what they were experiencing. Again there are no cookie cutters to interventions but at the same time I wouldn't wish my client to feel disengaged and disempowered. Diary, with all these conventional and contemporary modalities around, clients will definitely have a buffet spread of choices to match their needs, it takes the sensitivity of service providers to know what works and what not. So to conclude, psychology interventions had its own merits to bring certain relieve but ultimately it still depend much on myself to improve on my life challenges. Thus, i have to also remind myself when to let go if I am unable to render a certain modalities efficiently. Its all about knowing my limitations and working around what's deem permissible within my ecosystems, isn't it Diary? Edited December 2, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 02号 星期三 雨 Dear Diary, it was World Aids Day yesterday. I watched Spore Mediacorp Channel 8 infodocumentry production that talks about the discrimination and medication advances in this area. I have encountered people with HIV and AIDS in my line of work in the past and those were the period where the medications wasn't heavily subsidised and I have to source out charitable organisations to support i.e. AFA or Tzu Chi Buddhist Organisation. That's when I need to go to the community and for most of them, family members were kept in the dark as the person with HIV was often reluctant to disclose their medical condition. According to the law back then, they are only obliged to disclose to their sex partner and its optional to divulge to their next of kin and professionals. I must say that it takes one's courage to disclose because most of the people feel that they deserve it due to one's promiscuity lifestyle and though HIV is highly treatable, there are still labels attached to it even till today. Its has been 20ish years since I was expose to the work of the community, changes were gradual but glad to see medication advances in this area. I once heard of a professional who mentioned the heath of a HIV carrier is in fact better than individuals without HIV because their health will be consistently in check. This I agree. Diary, hopefully situation will change for the better. Ok going to get busy now. Edited December 2, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2020 (edited) @1430hrs Diary saw someone who resembled X at lunch. I am sure its not him. I realized that there is no longer a key to that compartment X. I am glad.... if not emotions going to be tossed up and down once again. Three weeks ago there was an opportunity to meet up X with another two of our common friends but I declined citing to this middle person that X and my affinity has ended. I feel that its beneficial for the both of us, especially for me. Anyway X is no longer the X i knew 17yrs ago. Change is constant, he had changed and so do I. So to the middle person who was trying to arrange for a reunion..... "its tough for you KN, please avoid being the middle man because its an unappreciated task to begin with. Though it was through me that you got to know X at Tab but there are really no obligations for you to arrange anything especially its been a good solid 6 years that I and X hasn't been in touched.... life still moves on. Thanks for your effort and time. Perhaps when the time has arrived, I and X will meet, definitely not by a deliberate attempt but a possible divine arrangement." Right, Diary? Edited December 2, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 2, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 2, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 03号 星期四 睡不着 Nth 年 我见着了样貌相近的他 他那脸蛋和腼腆的笑容 敲打着我那隐藏深处的那个铁窗 我尝试寻找那把钥匙 想把窗打开 却时时找不着它 是对他已失去那份感觉 又或许还把他埋葬在深谷底 我想 那一瞬间 已不重要 时间的流失已无法逆转 这道理我得知道 时间改变了他 也改变了我 变得无法乞讨 任何周边的符号 他已不是那Nth年的他 我也不再是Nth年的我 我俩已不再共勉之 就把那青涩的年华渐渐淡忘 前进是一道无法回头的旅途 我也无需他再进入到我的生命当中 毕竟这Nth年以来没他也无差。。。 又何必对他苦苦牵挂。。。 白云☁ 不是吗？ 柚子 03.12.2020 Edited: 04.12.2020 Edited December 26, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 4, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 04号 星期五 晴 Dear Diary, my friend Z shared with me this yesterday via What's in Chinese 见山是山，见山不是山，见山还是山. Its loosely translated in English: "Sees a mountain, a mountain it is Sees a mountain, a mountain it is not Sees a mountain, a mountain it is still" I always find it intriguing that he has been sharing this with me periodically in our conversations. I took some time to search for articles that depicted the meaning and found this version that I can best resonates. In summary, it stated that I may hold 3 different perspectives or paradigms on human, situations, matters at different phases of my life. First phase, I will sees things as it is, the original form and as I mature plus life experiences I may have a different interpretations of what these things and matters are, I will looked more into the details to it and form my own perceptions. At the last phase, it is when no matter how I have been through during the initial two phases, human, situations, matters are still what it is, to the purest form. To me, its a process of letting go, letting go of the complexity in life and live simply, eliminating the 2nd phase. But how can I do that in my current ecological system that always pursue excellence in every aspects?? I do know that I have a choice but this choice may not allow me to be in the "so called mainstream". So staying here in this ecosystem by itself is a surmounting challenge. Alot of people grumbled to me that "their hands and legs are often tied". Yes I am in a paternalistic state and regardless of which part of me is being tied up, I do have a choice to untie and let go. But what if its tough to untie by myself? Hmmmmm..... find someone? But what if that someone made it worse? Here's the article that resonated:- 《五灯会元》一书中曾记载唐代禅宗大师青原惟信的一段话：“老僧三十年前未参禅时，见山是山，见水是水。及即至后来，亲见知识，有个入处；见山不是山，见水不是水。而今得个休歇处，依前见山只是山，见水只是水。” 这段话历来为后人所推崇，它描述了人随着年龄的增长，经历世事的增多，对待事物的看法会经历这三重不同境界。 第一重境界：见山是山，见水是水。人对客观事物都会有初步的感受，这种感受来自于视觉、听觉、嗅觉、味觉、触觉，是人体对事物的直接反应。此时人的头脑中没有复杂概念的形成，认知停留在表面，山就是山，水就是水，花就是花，月就是月，万事万物都是它自己本身。 第二重境界：见山不是山，见水不是水。随着人阅历的增长，人开始探究事物的本质，所谓“横看成岭侧成峰”，通过思考，对客观事物的认识便不再停留于表面，于是，山是由石组成，河是由水组成，“花非花，雾非雾”，万事万物在人的眼中都不是它自己本身。 第三重境界：见山只是山，见水只是水。经过岁月的沉淀，解惑之后是大彻大悟，此时的山仍是山，水仍是水，却不如初见一般，是文化和精神层面的认知。当对事物有了足够的了解之后会发现，山有山的清，水有水的秀，万事万物在宇宙中的存在就是它自己本身。 青原惟信大师用了三十年时间悟出的道理是不能够简简单单地用文字来解读的，能够真正明了其中的深意非饱经世事沧桑不可。很多东西不是学就能够学得会的，必须有足够的时间来沉淀，一位有故事的老人也许比十位哲学家都能够更懂得人生。 这三重境界在职场上同样适用。人生的哲理不易懂，而职场的道理却相对简单得多。 第一重境界，工作就是工作。初入职场的人会把工作看得很重，重得把精神都集中在了工作的核心内容上了。比如销售的岗位，一心只想着销售就是把商品卖出去，然后其他的就看不到、想不到了，此时往往很着急上手，可越着急越摸不到门道。 第二重境界，工作不是工作。工作的最终目的其实是由一件件具体的事情构成的，把所有应该做的事情做好，才能够达到目的。还以销售来说，要掌握语言技巧、行业特点，还要懂得待人接物、心理判断等，工作并不是看起来的那个工作，任何一个目标都是由细节构成的。 第三重境界，工作还是工作。此时对待自己的事业要有一个更深的看法，在认识上要生活。如何能够通过改进细节把整体做好，如何能够实现成果的飞跃，如何能把事业做得更加具有艺术性和哲学性，这些是高层次的东西，工作本身就是全部。 Credit: 网络 Edited November 18, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 5, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2020 2020年 12月 05号 星期六 晴 Dear Diary, I have been listening to alot of grievances at work lately from different colleagues. Everyone is complaining how unfair and shortchanged they are. That's to me is a toxic work culture to be in and I seriously feel like advocating but after much thoughts, I think its better to just stay low profile. All these unfairness and injustices will surfaced to the light ultimately. For this work stint, I will just go with the flow and i just don't sense a need to address the issues at this moment. But again there is another part of me that feel abit off tangent. Well that's life, nothing is fair in this world, if there is we will be living in peace isn't it, Diary? That brings me to the recent news of an activist who is advocating for the repeal of 377A. I am wondering would he be successful this time? This has been mentioned in the legal proceedings for many times and I do admire the spirit of the current and past activists that are actively advocating but again will they be able to listen? Of course I did like this section to repeal as I do feel that as a homosexual, knowing that the satisfaction of my primal need is unlawful is a threat, always living fear that someone will use it against me. But has it affected me in anyway? Yes and no. From my understanding this section still exits because the majorities supported it and if it is repeal there could be repercussions though I am unsure what they are. On a personal note its definitely good for 377A to be remove because it will definitely be another great milestone in Singapore's human rights, inclusivity and embracing of diversity. A homosexual has to fulfill their primal need in terms of sex as well and if fulfilling of one's need is against the law then I will be forever living in a state of inconsistency and incongruent... or even cognitive dissonance which has an adverse impact on one's mental and emotional wellness. I must honestly said that this law did bring me to a point of wanting to end my life several times because there are just too many conflicts within me as I navigates this ecosystem and I wonder how many are out there having the similar plight as mine. Now I survive and live on in hope to see this law being repealed. Especially after Covid19, I do have a new perspective on YOLO and appreciates my life ever more than before. Love encompasses all and if love, kindess and graciousness are shown I believe there will be lesser destructions to the nature and the world will be a better place to stay in. I wish the activist every success. Who knows 2021 will be the year where the repeal will take place? https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/courts-crime/lgbt-activist-seeks-court-order-for-parliamentary-bill-on-repealing-section Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 6, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 6, 2020 2020年 12月 06号 星期日 晴 Dear Diary, it almost rained today but it didn't. Anyway took a trip to savor my favorite comfort food and a long bus ride plus a short nature walk, all by myself. Good to spend time alone especially for a person who need to be re-charged constantly. Being a empath is a challenge, often people just suck my energy and if I am unaware, I will unconsciously picked up the vibes and their monkey's businesses. Too much of negativities for the past one months, perhaps I have hoarded those toxic unknowingly and that could explain why I fell sick weeks ago. So much of being aware but still fell into that trap, Diary I really have to remind myself to avoid taking up other businesses. Take for example, the work stint that I am at now, as much as there are lots of toxicity but often there are staff who perpetuates this toxic, those who complaint will still complaint, those who are naysayers will still naysay, those who are gossipers will still gossips but at the end of the day, they still returned to work regularly. Imho, justice will be served one of these days to whichever and whoever that were treated unfairly and badly by the company. I have much more important matters to focus on and advanced. Its really better to draw the boundary with all these unimportant issues especially when people have that NATO (No Action and Talk Only) kind of attitude. Next time, I will give them that "If you have grievances, go and speak to the management yourself" kind of face and cut them off. New Year is coming and time to clear stuff that is still accumulating. Even my handphone and e-mail boxes are in need of much spring cleaning. Getting rid of the old and welcome the new. Yes that is what I am going to do! 🙂 https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/human-kind/201901/having-empathy-and-being-empath-what-s-the-difference https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-an-empath Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 7, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 07号 星期一 晴 Dear Diary, slept soundly last night and dreamt of X once again, woke up and its 5am ish. Tried to recall which setting we were in but all I remembered is him. In fact I had another dream two nights ago concerning biding of a project tender that needed $24.2mil in total. Weird and random dreams, especially for the tender. As much as I did like to erase X off my mind, the dream just surfaced, anyway it has least effect on me now. I have to accept the fact that X will still exist in my life in one form or another. I cannot help but again marvel over how my brain works. The more I hard sell the concept of letting go to my brain, the person return. I think that's the true spirit of letting go. Knowing that it will always be there but having the firmness to dissociate and cut off when appropriate. The Universe has a way to mentor and guide me on this. Z once said that I look calm on the outside but I told him in fact its often a storm in me. Z is the opposite, he is chatty yet I can sense the confidence, calmness and peace in him. Likewise for Y, compose and calm inwardly and outwardly. Both has their strengths in dealing with adversities and are filial sons. I believe that being filial has contributed to this peace and calmness in them. So I have to remind myself to practice filial piety, but if filial piety is about getting married and having offspring, sorry this i will have to give it amiss. There are other ways to practice filial piety I believe. Its another start of the week, work and other mental health related projects will take up the rest of my weeks. Seriously need some time- management for that. Not forgetting the need to be disciplined and exercise as well. Keeping my body immunity in check is much more important imho. Anyway happen to saw a repetitive no. 555 just now and its a gentle reminder from universe, with that I am grateful. https://willowsoul.com/blogs/numbers/4-reasons-why-you-are-seeing-555-the-meaning-of-555 Credit: Willow Soul Edited November 18, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 8, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 08号 星期二 晴 Dear Diary, it will be another busy day. Everyone at work seems to have step up and so call be on the ball...I am beginning to wonder while they are all 苦中作樂, will there be a true resolution to the current situation that they deem it unfair and unjust. I wonder if I have lose the mojio, in the past I would talk to the management in hope to address the issues but nowadays imho work is just a work in every sense at anywhere, so long as the one up there is not empathic then that's it. This is what I feel here.... Just go with the flow. I prefer to lunch alone and most of my colleagues are quite intrigue by it. I mean instead of wasting my time building that "grapevine" I did rather have more ME time. There was this once a self proclaimed loner asked me this question: If I am driving and lost control of the vehicle, the brake was not working and I need to stop immediately. Ahead of me there are three kids in the middle of the road playing soccer and one child on the left side of the road, seems like shouting at them to stop playing on the road. There are only two choices for me if I need to stop my vehicle.... one is to drive head on towards the three children potentially killing the three of them OR veer to my left and kill that one child. Which direction will I choose? Diary do I have the answer to the above question? Yes I do. I would veered left and knocked that one child because he is just too kind to live in such a world of unjust and cruelty. Perhaps sending him to a place will be better for him?? Diary, in this instance I have no other choice but to make that one decision. Edited December 8, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 9, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2020 2020年 12月 09号 星期三 晴 Dear Diary, a big wave of rage rushed in last night at work, glad that my colleagues were understanding enough to tide me through. Maybe we are all in the same boat so we understand and empathise with one another. I am grateful. But alas this morning, that anger over spilled and I finally heard the truth from my mother and the truth always hurts especially when its dished out by her. I feel like telling her that its tough out there for me but I guessed her words were just too sharp that slashed me through. Everytime when I flew into a rage she thinks that I have a relapsed. But why didn't mum reflects that she herself was unable to regulate her emotions in her younger days as well and even till now. As her son I have to bear through the emotional, physical and psychological abuses till to this day. These are issues that I am never proud about, my growing up, it may looked good ok on the surface but with alot of undercurrents. I know I could have reacted otherwise, to show my empathy and understanding towards her but again my anger is still brewing even as I typed. Diary, how I wish I am least educated in psychology, not knowing is often a bliss isnt it? What I have experienced were all nothing but a mix of pleasure and pain. I won't go into details of what had happened because its nothing to be proud of. I took a time out and now contemplating if I should leave the toxic environment that I am in on the family front. Diary, I am definitely not contemplating to end of my life but just feel a sense of helplessness and despondent right now. It seems like a pattern everytime when I wished to embark on a series of new projects, something like this will happen to distract me emotionally. Hopefully situations with mum will resolve as time passed. I can't say that I am at peace right now. I know that I can still feel angry for the next few hours, I am after a human, isn't it Diary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 10, 2020 2020年 12月 10号 星期四 晴 Dear Diary, I know that I shouldn't be too overly obsessed on certain things but the fact that I kept seeing the no. 8 and 5 yesterday and today meant something especially when its random and repetitive. You know that I am feeling for down Diary, the numbers I encountered did gave me a booster. For those people who are into angelic numerology i believe they will know what I meant. In the past when I shared this with Dr Yap, she thought that my kind of affiliation was a sign of my racing thoughts and hence perhaps my mental condition has worsen. She rationalized that it is very normal if I regarded the number as significant of course I will take notice of the numbers when it was shown prominently. But I did like to see it in different perspective. If the encounter of the numbers can potentially encourage me in one way of the other, why not? Importantly is not to be too overly obsessed on it. Whenever when I am down and depressed, the numbers kept appearing randomly etc. the receipts, the carpark lot space or even the reminder amount of money in my cash card. It appeared at those precise moments and that's very significant imho. Anyway I will take it an additional bonus that I am blessed by the Universe. As I mentioned earlier that when medications and conventional therapies no longer (or has never work) for me I will have to change and seek other alternatives. There will be individuals who will find it intriguing or strange but so long it didn't bring an adverse harm or pain to another person I don't see any issues. If they did, its their challenges not mine. Superstitious or not its up to one's interpretation. One's best practices may not be another best. Mum went out early with Dad this morning, I think the space is appropriate so long as we don't meet in person for the next few days I think its fine. Will I say sorry? Perhaps its not sorry that I need to say but to put it into action that I am apologetic of the harsh words said yesterday. Ok back to some serious housekeeping, decluttering and eliminating before a tea appointment. Have a peaceful and fabulous Diary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 10, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 10, 2020 2020年 12月 11号 星期五 晴 Dear Diary, I am indeed blessed. The tea appointment went on well and thankfully CWG sat in to render support. He was able to provide certain insights and provide constructive feedback as well. CWG is a person that seldom minced his words, though it may sounded blunt at times but I know that its for my good. Interestingly, after we parted I bump into another wise man after my prayers at the Waterloo Kuan Yin Temple. Time to introduce this wise man to you Diary, let's call him DC, I met DC at a network gathering two years ago, we do exchanged hp no. but never did a follow up until CWG introduced me to this chatgroup a few months ago and I was surprised to see DC as one of my saved hp contacts, since then both of us have been communicating. DC jokingly said that he has "smelled me from afar" and knew that I was within the vicinity. In fact, I did shared the argument that I had with my mum with people who are closer to me and he was one of them. We sat down for a beverage after a not so fantastic dinner and he started to share his life experiences, though he may not faced challenges akin to mine but what I have learnt from him after communicating was to "Tame my anger and nonetheless always save my mum if my lover and her are struggling in water at the same time" because a mothers' love for her son will rarely changed but lovers' ones would. Another take-away was "If I never step out of my comfort zone, I will never know how is it going to be like" I also shared with my Astrologer about what had happened and gained insights from my predictions as well, and indeed this season is definitely a trial period for me at the family front because there can be potential disagreements within. Of course, K and H knew about this and humor is the best medications for such situation, have not been replying much to both of them because I have been busy with the other projects on hand and thankfully they knew me well that I needed the space as well. Not forgetting DN who knew my issues right from the beginning. Diary, I am truly blessed to have friends out there to render support, a listening ear and a reading eye to my messages. With that, I am thankful. 2020 is the year of a renewal and reinforcement of friendships. May these friendships continue to blossom and scale greater heights in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 13, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 13, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 13号 星期日 晴 Dear Diary, thought that this article in Chinese which I find it interesting. May I continue to find strength amidst in my weakness and others as well. Credit: https://www.zaobao.com.sg/shinmin/hsing-yun-quote/story20201211-1106836 (Loosely translated into English) "In the shortcomings of people, there are actually advantages..." Master Hsing Yun said: Sharing article: The young man and his wife often quarrel, and he regrets that he was wrong at first and planned to divorce his wife after consulting his father. After the father heard his complaint, he asked him: "Does your wife have merits?" The young man said, "It was before marriage, but not now." The father asked, "Do you have merits in her heart?" the son said. : It seems to have existed before marriage, but now it is gone. " Father walked outside, picked up a tile and a ball of cotton, and asked him, "Which of them is harder?" The young man said without thinking, "Of course the tiles are hard!" Father raised the tiles and cotton to the same height and released his hands. When the tiles fell to the ground, they fell to pieces and the cotton fell lightly. Then his father asked him again: Why are the hard ones broken, but the soft ones remain undamaged? "The young man said: "It's soft and light, so it's not damaged at all." " Father patted him on the shoulder and said: "You should be humble like cotton, not hurting others or yourself; not like a tile with edges and corners, which will become ice when cold, and break when it is hard, hurting others and also hurting others. I only understand one truth in my life. I admit that another person’s strengths will warm me, and I will focus on others’ shortcomings. You will hurt yourself in your life!" Father went on to say: "You should learn cotton, you can protect others from the wind and cold, you can be as warm as the sun. A good word can warm her life, a selfish and mean word can make her hate you for a lifetime, and will ruin your marriage; you want me Treat your mother like you treat your wife?" The young man bowed his head and said nothing, he knew that his father was right. Intuition It is easy for us to see the shortcomings of others, but it is difficult to see the advantages of others. This is because we are not looking at others with our own wisdom, but looking at others with our feelings and intuitions, so we often encounter things that are contrary to our own feelings and feel that it is wrong, so that we can only see others often The shortcomings of others, and take the shortcomings of others in your heart, and at the same time, your own heart becomes bad. Everyone has shortcomings. Just imagine if one's own shortcomings are being stared at and talked about every day, how would one's heart feel? It must feel very bad. Therefore, in daily life, we should learn to look at the advantages of others when we are dealing with others. Then you will become the person everyone likes. Change In fact, people's strengths and weaknesses are not necessarily all relative. For example, blind people’s hearing is more sensitive than ordinary people, and deaf people’s eyes are also sharper than normal people. Therefore, in many cases, people’s shortcomings contain advantages, and their advantages also contain shortcomings. However, most people would say that he only sees a person who is invisible to the eyes or ears, and will not pay attention to their sensitivity and keenness. Moreover, ordinary people also have the problem of being dark under the light, and their shortcomings are difficult to find, even if they find out, they continue to forgive themselves. This hinders our progress and even affects our interpersonal relationships. Therefore, we should compare ourselves with the shortcomings of others. Only by constantly changing ourselves can we become better. The English translations of "Master Hsingyun Point Wisdom 10", "Master Hsingyun Point Wisdom 1" and "Point Wisdom·Comic 4" have been sold. Readers can go to major bookstores and ZShop collection stores across the island (https://bit.ly /2O6KBNL) to purchase. Edited December 13, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 15, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 15号 星期二 晴 Dear Diary, I had non chat days for the past two days. As WhatsApp messages kept streaming in and I am oblivious to it. Likewise for my mum, we have been avoiding each other for the past 6 days. This time round no one said sorry or whatsoever, its time to let her know that I am very unhappy about what has happened that fateful day. I simply can't take the verbal abuses anymore. It can potentially detriment my holistic well being. All I need to do now is to go through my normal routine and ensure all things are kept well in order. That is what I need to do at this moment, the space that is much needed for both of us. My elder sister didn't contacted me as well which is good. The only person that is still diligently abiding and being obedient is my father. He is occasionally there whilst my growing up, there were moments of folly while he struggled his "familyhood" as a father. All he did was to work, bring in the money and cook meals for the family. My mother will do the housework and since young both me and my elder sister had been trained to help with the laundry, tidying and wiping. I wonder if both of us has been exposed to all these housework too early in our childhood to the extent that doing housework now is a breeze yet a chore to us. In fact, after all these years, what my mother has done was to cut off us from my paternal family and I am never close to my cousins. Apparently there was a family secret in which I knew why we were so distant from them. Looking at what is going on.... is akin watching a Taiwan long haul drama series. If there is a story that is going to be written, I wonder how will i portray my mum to be, a villain or a kind hearted woman? I know my dad will be that meek fellow who is fearful of his wife. 🤦♂️ Diary, perhaps many would comment that having this family dynamic causes my homosexuality tendencies but after all these years I would say that its this family dynamic that has reinforced my sexuality. While attending swimming lessons in primary school, my first fantasy was the swimming instructor.... my first contact with porn was to gaze at the men's body and not the lady. Both encounters was at a very young age then to my formative years. The family dynamic had gave me a big boost of being whom I truly am. I am currently watching snippets of this Taiwan show that depicted families in the 50s and 60s. One of the male protagonists who was into arts and in love with his buddy... of course this was a forbidden love back then. The male protagonist, under his mother's order, married the female protagonist that his buddy once fancied. There were several scenes he was so jealous and in pain as he witnessed his buddy, buddy's wife and son together as a family. In 2020, though the society has open up quite a fair bit, I am still feeling that similar yet different kind pain and hurt. Isn't it Dairy? Edited December 15, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 15, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 @2230hrs 放风吹 电视剧 生生世世 片尾曲 作词：游淑龄、游美龄 作曲：蒋三省 编曲：蒋三省、蒋荣宗 演唱: 许富凯 感情亲像风吹里飞 飞远远唔底找 冷冷ㄟ风来讲情话 假情假意请你收回 一阵雨 一阵风 风吹淋甲湿糊糊 我的心 可比风吹遐艰苦 风吹飞 风吹飞 惊你飞走没人来陪 旧情深深 永远放心内底 放你飞 放风吹 放你飞去 不后悔 我会饮酒一杯 放在心肝底 放你飞 你紧飞 天边海角唔抵找 咱ㄟ感情 哪ㄟ一去不回 感情亲像风吹里飞 飞远远唔底找 冷冷ㄟ风来讲情话 假情假意请你收回 一阵雨 一阵风 风吹淋甲湿糊糊 我的心 可比风吹遐艰苦 风吹飞 风吹飞 惊你飞走没人来陪 旧情深深 永远放心内底 放你飞 放风吹 放你飞去 不后悔 我会饮酒一杯 放在心肝底 放你飞 你紧飞 天边海角唔抵找 咱ㄟ感情 哪ㄟ一去不回 放你飞 放风吹 放你飞去 不后悔 我会想你 永远放在心肝底 放你飞 你紧飞 天边海角唔抵找 咱ㄟ感情 哪ㄟ一去不回 咱ㄟ感情 哪ㄟ一去不回 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 2020年 12月 17号 星期四 晴 秀下限 喧闹的城市 我静了下来 聆听心坎底的声音 心想着 如果今天是位异性 日子会过得如何。。。 父母应该不会过于操心 职场也许会更加顺心如意 社会可能也比较能接纳我 歧视的目光也许会少一些 更不会要满足自己的性欲 而无时无刻感到心惊胆战 深怕有那么一天 法律敲打我那扇门 被批判 被定罪 被囚禁 我闭上了眼 做了个深呼吸 燃起了根烟 吸的是那无奈 吐的是愁唱 心中的愁苦反复地咀嚼 咀嚼着是我内心最强烈的呐喊 "抱歉我的不孝! 换来的是你们一世的不甘!" "这是我的私生活和我专业知识不相干!" "我无需被社会接纳 日子也能活得潇洒!" "我可以不理睬你们那歧视的目光 我有正能量!" 面对现实吧 柚子! 别欺骗自己 也无需拾取什么假的正能量 继续躺你那双人床 做你那单人梦 过着无数独处夜寒风 回到那深柜中 躲着 隐藏着 永远无法直视真正的自己吧! 柚子 17.12.2020 "秀下限的意思，就是形容某個人或事物的表現很差，展現出能達到最爛的程度。。。" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 21, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 21, 2020 2020年 12月 21号 星期一 阴 Dear Diary, numbing myself with work these few days. Work is the best antidote at this moment. I came to a stage of flight and freeze which are my best coping mechanisms for this season. Diary what if you are told that there are things that couldn't be change and what you can do is to accept and adapt? As much as there are people who said destiny lies in our own hands but again external circumstances that are beyond my control isn't it? There are things that I cannot change i.e. my birth family, my birth date and my natal chart. Time and again I faced challenges at work and family front and I merely breezed it through. Its really tough to find an employment that fits me culturally, morally and ethically, i have pushed into situations where I felt squeezed and several injustices at work. Given a choice, i doubt i did like to be trap in this cycle. I revisited my life goals and realized that i haven't been diligently abiding and fulfilling it. Time to seriously look into these aspects and recalibrate. On Friday I am given the opportunity to embark on a supervisory position at my workplace, i declined primarily because I prefer to continue with the tasks that I have been doing. All I have from this new role is power and authority.... as I measured against the workload, remuneration and my life mission, its an easy decision plus there are better candidates who can possibly fulfill this role. I dislikes the power game and it exhausts me especially when i feel its an unfair deal in the place. Yes Dairy, I asserted myself but will it come with a consequence? I believe there is but I choose to let nature takes it course. I also met up with my Astrologer recently, trying to resolve things I encountered at work, he told me that my energies are inclined to attract situations that I have been encountering all these years. And one of the resolutions I can take is be my own boss. This current job allows me to have the flexibility to do that, just that I need to free up more time to exercise my due diligence to strive towards managing my own. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed, its a built up of all these years of wanting to build up something on my own yet when the opportunities came knocking it often disappoint me in the end. Diary, perhaps the excuses of the right time, right people and right place have always been a broken record within me. But I have to agree what my Astrologer said the unpleasant encounters I met thus far served me a reinforcement that I should avoid creating such unpleasantness in the future if i really choose to start up on my own. Kindness begets kindness, respect begets respect and peace begets peace. This reminder came in most timely for me. Importantly, I counted my blessings that I have friends who understood and empathize my situation. Supposed to meet K and H for a year end round up dinner on the same day, in fact I have already arrived at the venue but my energy was so low that I have to be excused at the last minute, K and H understood that I am back in the hermit cave once again. Avoiding crowds and people, I am not depressed Diary, just that its not time for me to meet any friends at this moment. I can still conduct myself professionally because I still can fake it but not a personal front... maybe there are fears that I may potentially drag them down with my low energy. Anyway still in cold war with mum and we have not seen each other for days. Its winter solace day today, the Chinese advocates for family togetherness on this day but this year is different, I needed the space and time out from them. And I believe they aren't pushing for it either. I am retreating myself and seeking for a sanctuary of peace. Hopefully they will feel it too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 24号 星期四 阴 Dear Diary, took a break from work today and next few days. This form of escapism and the negativities I faced lately had drained me and there was an increase of my tobacco intake which i know its extremely unhealthy. Feeling unusually tired but this is just a transitioning period. I am telling myself to be more aware of false positivity as well. Interestingly, false positivity has always been inculcated in our mainstream media. Example instead of saying think happy thoughts....it could be simply acknowledging that I cannot be happy and positive right now, touching base of this negative emotions, feel it and let it pass naturally. It is important to accept, support and validate my true emotions in times of challenges. If its overwhelming its good to take a time out and recalibrate or ground myself. Nature walks and jogging help me. Its been awhile since I jog due to work, time to pick up the jogging sneakers and my pen..... The Empath's Narrative I tend to absorb the negative energies I have to learn how to filter them away from me Often I need to discern if its false positivity Some were easy.... most were not I am sucked into these waves of negativity I am angry and started to smoke exhaustively These were ways to regulate my feelings And I know its getting unhealthier gradually Heightened awareness is important because it helps me to stay more grounded No longer I need to hide that smile of mine I am more in touch of their emotions and feelings Calling out all these emotions can be tiring Increasing those dopamines and endorphins Healthier lifestyles need to be adopted so ET..... instead of denying those emotions why not embrace and work on it? ET 24.12.2020 Edited December 24, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 24, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 24, 2020 (edited) @1950hrs Articles like these kept me grounded and face the realities in life. All challenges are short lived and once I looked beyond it.... all things will be ok. https://www.zaobao.com.sg/shinmin/hsing-yun-quote/story20201216-1107949 Edited December 24, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 26, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 26, 2020 2020年 12月 26号 星期六 阴 烦烦烦 这期间是有点儿心烦意乱 很多的不如意在反思中浮现 又加上近期发生的种种事件 让活在当下这个理念现得格外贴切 我好像在圈圈内绕着转 偶尔还会进入迷宫走一趟 反复地寻觅那问题所在 却唯我一人独自"唱双黄" 都是。。想多了 过于执着 敏感 惹的祸 但假如这本能是与生俱来的 那又应该叫我如何对抗 它们那排山倒海的攻击 有没有答案已不重要 我只知道。。。 人生的作业就是每天地复习 如何善待自己 如何放下包袱 如何实现三好 如何无需伪装 真真切切地过我接下来的日子 柚子 加油吧! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 29, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 29, 2020 2020年 12月 29号 星期二 阴 Dear Diary, trying to cut down on my nicotine intake and I choose to do a cold Turkey. Today its my 4th day and the past few days it has been alot of physical, emotional and psychological discomfort. I felt feverish, bodyache and fatigue to a point of feeling depressed. But thankfully today I feel better. I recalled I tried to quit 6 years ago and I landed myself at IMH, thinking it was a relapse but after some clarifications it was the cold turkey that may caused it. The quit was short lived and I picked the cigarettes again three years ago. In the past I did ask myself if it was the discontinuity of the medication that cause me to smoke, but in fact it wasn't. I still smoke periodically whilst on medication through my recovery.... so medication is not a primary factor. Diary, there are addictions that some are more vulnerable to and mine is definitely nicotine. I think realistically I have to try to wean off rather than to pick the cigarettes up out of convenience or whatever negative emotions felt in me that is very prevalent for the past few weeks on a personal and professional front. This is a WhatsApp message in Chinese from a friend I received that I feel its very true. "每天反复做的事情造就了我们，然后你会发现，优秀不是一种行为，它是一种习惯 - 亚里士多德" "We are what we repeatedly do.Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit- Aristotle" Diary, it is still back to the habit I developed and if this habit is a highly desirable ones. So what are the habits I have developed that is deem unhealthy? Or do I see it as a necessity evil to begin with? In my worldview, smoking is better than getting myself involved in drugs.... but could this thought be distorted or am I just rationalizing? Though there is an element of truth to what I think but how much harm has it brought to me and others? A more conscientious effort have to be exerted in my daily lifestyle definitely. Ok I am doing my best and hopefully situation will improve for the better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 30, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2020 2020年 12月 30号 星期三 热 Dear Diary, my 5th day without any nicotine. I was looking at the wardrobe with 7.5 packets of cigarettes left. The miser in me asked if I can refund the 7 packets to the retailer. Its a good $91... almost two months of transportation fees. 😄There are still slight bodily discomforts headache, diarrhea and body aches. I re-visited that Health Promotion Board website for their smoking cessation programme, re-do a checklist and re-read what I should or should not do. It kind of help, this is not the first time I am doing it and sure I can make it with the cold turkey (highly recommended by HPB). My Astrology natal chart has depicted that there are certain energies that I am more vulnerable to, in which explains the off tangents to my emotions responding adversely at certain situations or time. Now its time to develop strategies to counter and hopefully it will minimize the impact that I am feeling. Ma and I finally communicated but only in short sentences, there were no sorry from the both of us, we are both pretty stubborn about this I feel. Anyway this episode has ended and moving on, the lesser the interactions I have with her and dad, the better for this season. There may be a big overhaul at work front but I am somehow prepare for it. It hasn't been a pleasant experience thus far at work with the management, just received news that one of my colleagues was terminated due to misconduct and insubordination, I wished him well, he has other work stints out there so he can easily survived. I shall be more concern for myself on what's will be the outcome after that overhaul. DN and I message briefly, he seems to sense that I am in low mood, glad we did communicate abit, felt better after whatsapping him. He suggested for me to return to medication but I asserted and declined. Never will I return to medications after almost 3 years of persistence and perseverance. This is going to be a tough fight but I will never give up. Diary, honestly speaking what pains me is not that "chemical imbalances in my brain", not the "Astrology natal chart that I have to resign my fate with", not the "Adverse Childhood Experiences" that I have encountered but the feign ignorance of people who choose not to empathize or understand, casting the five senses of discrimination and stigmatization instead. 😞 Ok I better end with a good note.... counting down 1.5 days towards 2021. I am anticipating more fabulous and excellent days ahead without any nicotine.... I am determined to do that. https://www.hpb.gov.sg/community/smoking-cessation-programme Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted December 31, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 31, 2020 (edited) 2020年 12月 31号 星期四 热 Dear Diary, I went to bed rather early last night, dreamt a bit but I forgot what was the dream all about and woke up at around 4am-ish and could not sleep until 6am-ish. Glad that I still managed to catch some quality sleep though in a pretty unsettled mode. If there is one word to describe how I feel now it will be vindicated. It was something that happened two years plus ago that I felt wrongly accused of but I stubbornly choose not to further clarify back then. Little did I know that I have been carrying this baggage for the past two years. In retrospective, the emotions were again accumulative, I even sought advise from Kuan Yin Ma (KYM) if I should pursue the matter. The lot I drew stated was its unnecessary because the matter will resolved by itself one day and it really did, two years thereafter. In fact, this matter arises from my past two years end reflection and the aftertaste of it hasn't been too unpleasant but you know something is somewhat lurking. I am happy that it was finally resolved. The questions on whether if I should have stood my ground and did all the clarifications.... would the other party had listened..... seemed to be insignificant now. I believed also that there were good reasons for me not to rock the boat as timing was inappropriate back then. What have I learn from this incident? Patience..... and the truth will prevailed by itself also the KYM's lot came true. I felt a sense of relieve knowing that I am vindicated and validated. I know I should care less what others feel and think about me, I am still after all an imperfect human..... I do still care somehow. Diary remembered the Hokkien show I spoke about two weeks ago? The final few episodes depicted that the gay lead suffered from the final stage of liver cancer. There were two scenes that spoke to me, first he expressed his desire to reincarnate and be a normal son in his next life to his mother. But to my surprise, his mother finally accepted that he was just being different from others and not being abnormal for being who he was. Her words were very comforting and powerful, it somehow has reaffirmed me that there are people on this earth who sees our love for the same gender as love and its not abnormal but just different. The other snippet in which I was moved was when the person whom the gay admired told him that though he may not know how to accept the gay's kind of love for him, he did love him as his brother. The show snippets can be copied, pasted and googled under these titles: 生生世世 EP161短影音 (mother and son conversation) 生生世世 EP162短影音 (conversation with his admired) Diary, its the final few hours of 2020.... as I have unloaded the baggage of 2020.... I did like to continue to move on as someone who can stay true and honest to myself while I navigates this ecological system that I am in. AND I truly believe that all of my loved ones, friends and their loved ones will be blessed with the best of health, peace and happiness too. Edited December 31, 2020 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 1, 2021 2021年 01月 01号 星期五 大雨 Dear Diary, Happy New Year. It was so hot and humid yesterday and Singapore started off the new year with a torrential downpour. The day was dark and gloomy so did my mood. I woke up this morning from a vivid dream and the person I dreamt of was Dr Yap. I forgot what was transpired between us but I guessed it was about the bipolar disorder issue. Dr Yap accurately pointed out that my "last relapse" was due to my cold turkey from nicotine. Though it was a false alarm, I am somewhat glad because it gave me an insight on how institutional care at IMH is like. I believed no one would like to be there if under the bopian (no choice) act. Anyway the withdrawal is definitely more intense this time compared to my previous quit. Glad that I am feeling better now as I typed. Its never easy to let go or give up a habit that was long ingrained. The dip in mood, headache, body itch, aches, sore eyes and coughs are really no joke. Its my 7th day today, I don't even dare to step out of the house much nowadays, fearing that there may be temptations out there. Abit exaggerating but that's how I managed Dairy... when I am low in mood, it really takes tremendous effort to snap out it, instead of wallowing into that kind of mood, I diverted myself to other activities i.e. taking a hot shower, read an article or skipping.... eating almond, cashew, berries, bananas and drinking hot Milo did help me to curb the cravings too. I will definitely gain weight by the end of the entire stint... better step up my exercise regime. Last night was spent chatting unreservedly with K and H. Glad they were there to render support as well. All count down programs were broadcasted online last night and I managed to catch my constituency fireworks online.... the atmosphere was definitely not as euphoric as I watched it live. Hopefully things will be different by end of 2021 where we are able to watch the major firework at the heart of the city live. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 2, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2021 2021年 01月 02号 星期六 雨 Dear Diary, it rained the entire day and finally it has turn into a drizzle towards the evening. I looked at my hp recorded temperature....22C.....but at least its not 36C Diary, I prefer cool weather like this, it makes me feel like giving myself every excuses to hibernate at home and not step out of the house. Anyway, I am pretty comfortable with the weather these few days, hopefully it will last till what was stated in the news which will end in two weeks time. Lately there was this Hokkien song in Taiwan that hit the LGBTQI spot again. The MTV presented two gay protagonist who are in their 40ish, cohabit yet unable to walk out of the closet to their parents. One of them even have to get his female friend to pose as his partner over a homecooked dinner date with his parents, and Diary the meal was cooked by the other partner. As I dived much deeper into the song inspiration, the Taiwan musician stated that though it seems like Taiwan has open up to same sex marriage but it can potentially benefit the youths and there are still folks who are in their 40s to 60s who are unable to step out of their closet because they still belong to due to the conservative society Taiwan was in during birth, something in which they need some time to overcome. This Hokkien song was written to encourage and comfort PLUs of that age range. I was surprised by their English translation as it has rightfully captured the gist of the song. Having to fall into the age category, I faced the other challenges on the other spectrum. The silent non acceptance of my parents..... perhaps the real freedom can only be there when..... I keep a distance from them? Diary I am unsure but it seems like that is the only way to go for this season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 4, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2021 2021年 01月 04号 星期一 冷 Dear Diary, these two days was feeling low and unsettled. The battling of mind and emotions creeped in once again, there was this passing thoughts of wanting to end it all as well. I can't say that i am depressed but this low mood wasn't as intensed as the last time that warrant my admission. I tried to distract myself from reading other articles and listen to YouTube on quitting. I wonder if anyone out there had suicidal ideations while withdrawal. I slept through the day and only have my first meal in the evening. These were all familiar.... it seems like "bipolar depression but where is the hypomania or mania?" Is it writing this Diary on this platform a form of "my manifestation of hypomania or mania?" I doubted so.... if it is then i would be more explicit and not as mild or evasive as what i have been writing thus far. So its really back to whether if I have any grandiose thoughts while laying the objectives of this Diary in which people including my niece will gain an insight on the challenges, discrimination and stigmatisation faced by someone with a different sexuality that could potentially lead to mental health challenges. I tried to psycho myself that this is just a phase and I will be able to make it through soon hopefully in another one month or so, its tough that I have been smoking for quite awhile and went on cold turkey suddenly. Dairy, perhaps I wasn't clear with my objective of wanting to quit..... it is definitely for my holistic health and getting sick of that constant tobacco breathe that I had. Plus the work that I am doing now made me smoke more than usual especially smoking areas were easily accessible so I better do something about before it escalate or become worsen. Arh... the ticklish sensations on my palm and fingers are back as I am typing. Gosh... i better stop now. Wish me all the best Diary. Its my 10th day without nicotine and I can do it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 5, 2021 2021年 01月 05号 星期二 冷 More than words- Extreme Saying "I love you" Is not the words I want to hear from you It's not that I want you Not to say, but if you only knew How easy It would be to show me how you feel More than words Is all you have to do to make it real Then you wouldn't have to say That you love me 'Cause I'd already know What would you do If my heart was torn in two More than words to show you feel That your love for me is real What would you say If I took those words away Then you couldn't make things new Just by saying "I love you" La di da, da di da, di dai dai da More than words La di da, da di da Now that I've tried to Talk to you and make you understand All you have to do is close your eyes And just reach out your hands And touch me Hold me close don't ever let me go More than words Is all I ever needed you to show Then you wouldn't have to say That you love me 'Cause I'd already know What would you do If my heart was torn in two More than words to show you feel That your love for me is real What would you say If I took those words away Then you couldn't make things new Just by saying I love you La di da, da di da, di dai dai da More than words La di da, da di da, di dai dai da More than words La di da, da di da, di dai dai da More than words La di da, da di da More than words More than words Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 6, 2021 2021年 01月 06号 星期三 晴 Dear Dairy, woke up this having a mood dip in the morning that lasted till 4pm-ish. Glad that I picked up myself and went for a 1.5hrs brisk walk to distract myself from it. This nicotine withdrawal is driving me nuts, as I was typing this, an encouragement by my Astrologer came to my mind, he stated that my chart shows someone who is tenacious and hard core - great ability to survive hardship and trauma. I jokingly replied that's why its so tough to let go and he frowned. Looking back I feel that all of us in this community has one point or the other encounter hardships and challenges, hence one thing that pulled me is really about letting go all these that was tangling. Even when I thought that I may have but at the end of the day, I may subconsciously still picked it up. Think I am setting a quest to study the art of letting go that best suits me. For some, it could be a spiritual awakening, for others it could be just all about the broad spectrum of self actualizing. I am still learning, Diary. Ma has expressed concerns that I could have a relapse but I tried to explain that it is a nicotine withdrawal, she has every right to feel that way because she has seen me at my depressed mood before. Thus that is the reason why I have to brace up and go for that exercise in the evening no matter what. It is my 12th day and looks like I am a later bloomer in this withdrawal thingy, every symptoms seems to lag behind by a week or two. I have a job interview next Monday, I am not pinning high hopes but just wish that all things will went on fine. The issues about career choices also flagged out prominently.... Diary never mind step by step, get this nicotine withdrawal done first and the rest will fall into their respective places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 (edited) 2021年 01月 08号 星期五 雨 Dear Diary, last night the suicide ideations returned and I felt better this morning. I recalled what my natal chart has depicted that as a person who is of high water signs, emotions are something that I need to grapple with (proven after all these years). Water signs are Scorpio, Pisces, and Cancer..... someone who is more vulnerable to mood swings and emotional dips. I have to literally tell myself explicitly that this mood swings and thoughts came about because its my 14th day of cold turkey from nicotine. These few weeks I have been reading and listening to Youtube videos as a form of distraction I surfed on topics on High Sensitive People, HSP and found a video that is pretty useful. And this coincided with the personality traits of my water signs. It has somehow provided me with anecdotal evidences to the what, why and how I feel how I feel, think what I think. Am I trying to rationalize the fact that I am just a person with high water signs and a HSP and not a person with bipolar disorder? What am I trying to prove? That Dr Yap has misdiagnosed me? I think the answer is yes, Diary. I feel so jaded over the years of the challenges over my personal and professional life just because of this Bipolar Disorder label. As I tried very hard to re-write this narrative though psychotherapies I simply couldn't because I felt I am running round in circles and the label is always out to haunt me if one way or the other. In the past, I do not know how to explain myself or give a good account of what had happened but I think I begin to know better after my natal birth chart was interpreted. This little moments of eureka did help me to accept and reconcile, once I know the enemies there are not fear anymore. I will just tell myself that these ideations are temporarily, all I need to do is to preserve, stay on course and never give up. Diary, should I give up this mental health and wellness sector altogether and enter into a new work arena? There could be potentially transference issues I intuited. Edited January 9, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 8, 2021 @2355hrs 初衷 我的初衷全是你 却得不到你的回应 我耗尽力气 长年累月 费劲心思 地砖瓦你 却得不到你的体恤 黑白交错的天景 带不走 那无边无际 我累了 福音提醒着我 勇往直前的魄力 人生的旅程 是否到了绝境 我纠结着 我倔强着 窥探那未来的奥秘 却把自己繁琐在那心坎里 无法忘记那年淋过的雨 无法释怀那残阳的情景 你走远了 我无法跟随着 只能独自地挥洒 那时间空间的交响曲 柚子 23.09.2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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