amuse.ed Posted January 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2021 2021年 01月 09号 星期六 雨 Dear Diary, this is really ultimately a battle of my own that I need to see it through. Give me the strength and might.... I did something that I would never have done in the past... after much serious considerations and my correspondences with the HR, I decided to decline the job interview on Mon. Some may say that I am foolish, I could have be less picky. The intuitive part of me just feel very unsettled over the entire job offer, my holistic health will take precedent in this case and after it was transpired, there was a sense of peace. Diary, that brings me to a juncture of where should I continue moving forth from here. I recalled the decision to embark this sector was made as a sense of calling almost 16yrs ago during my days as a Christian. I progressed after attaining my certification on counselling in 2004... my internship was very challenging back then, my ex mentors were stringent because we are dealing with humans who are ever so diverse and dynamic. This sense of calling was challenged when I decided to stay true to who I am, I was asked to leave and eversince my career journey became rocky. My stint at each company became shorter to the extent that alot of self doubts were formed at the professional front. And only recently then I discovered from my natal chart that my energies had always been reacting adversely towards a certain regimental management style and culture. Maybe a full time stint in this sector is really not my cup of tea.... last night I contemplated if I should do a career transition altogether as a form of a much needed distraction from the withdrawal. I browsed through my afterthought collection I wrote and found one that resonated. Perhaps its time to bid farewell to this sector full time and focus on others instead. There are still some skillsfuture credits so I skimmed through what was available. Alas! Most of course titles were like stranger to me and I begin to realise that I am so lagged behind from the other industries. Never mind Dairy, I have all the time to read it through these few weeks. But as of now, focus on my holistic health first.... once I am done with my withdrawal, "my vital organs will be less clouded" and I will be able to sense much clearer. I believe the Universe has other plans for me as well so just let natural takes its course. Good night Diary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 10, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2021 (edited) 2021年 01月 10号 星期日 长命雨 Dear Diary, while I had that intermittent thoughts of wanting to end it all within this period of nicotine withdrawal..... a Whatsapp message popped up a few moments ago.... it has triggered the memories of a friend, L who has ended his life 12 years ago. L was one of the reasons why I decided to stay true to myself and the reasons why I am still alive today. Yes, Diary, the compartment of L is opened and I am reminiscing the happier moments we shared. L and I first met at a volunteered group in 2002-2003. His outgoing persona and positive vibes caught my attention, we are of extreme polarities. He chatted alot and I was quiet, he was sporty and musically inclined, I am not. Honestly, there was this one-sided attraction but I kept it under wrap because I am still gaming on the fact that I could change to a straight. Back then there was no Whatsapp chatgroup where we could conveniently talked in an online group setting. I and L went out a couple of times in a group and there were fond memories as we shared similar family composition, traits and dynamics. An excellent camaraderie I must said. Diary, in retrospect I am unsure if L was a PLU but L would sometimes would ooze that vibe and I managed to pick it up periodically. I kept this to myself as I did not wish to rock the boat.....soon we parted, he went overseas for his studies while I was focusing building on my career and busy with my so called conversion. L returned one day, invited the group out for a meal and he was still his usual self, I still recalled we caught up at one of the cineplexes at Orchard Rd. There were definitely no indicators of what he would proceed later. The next thing I heard was from one of our friends that he had ended his life, that was almost a few months after his passing. When I first heard of the news, I forgot how I felt, there was certainly no intense emotions because I have a few life challenges that I am grappling with back then as well i.e. relationship with my ex-girlfriend, my career and volunteer stint took a big pie of my holistic well-being, I could have conveniently brushed that negative emotions aside.... life seemed to carry on for me but lo and behold, grief came upon a few months later. It was a period of time whereby I started to ask what was my purpose of living for someone who struggled with sexuality and mental disorders? Am I not going to be true to myself moving on? I started to dwell on the reasons why L would wish to end his life, he has a bright future ahead of him and any reasons to just end his life in such a drastic manner? The only hypothesis was he could have struggled similar challenges as I am.... we both have expectations from our parents i.e. academics, career and relationships. Its like for that moment, I could feel how L might have felt back then. Anyway, L passing had reminded me that my life on this earth is precious, be truly who I am and treasure it regardless. And here I am, out of the closet in 2010 till now. Its been a good 11 years and though there are more challenges up ahead, L's demise has reminded me to stay stronger and continue to build on a purposeful life. Edited January 10, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 12, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 2021年 01月 12号 星期二 雨 Dear Diary, have I fallen into the trap of this? "Do you attribute control of your successes and failures to yourself or to some fated force outside of your purview? Whether it is your weight, your emotions, your spouse, your children, your paycheck--if you continually find yourself feeling angry, resentful or upset by the events in your life, reflect on who you blame for life’s ups and downs. How a person internalizes a particular point of view about control speaks volumes about their ability to live with a sense of wellbeing and contentment. In personality psychology, locus of control defines how much a person believes that they are ultimately responsibility for their successes and failures. The word “locus” is Latin for “location”–essentially either a person feels the location of their control over life is either internal (rests within themselves) or external (rests with fates outside of their control). The concept was clarified by Julian B. Rotter in the 1950’s. He demonstrated that locus of control is on a continuum, some people are highly external, some highly internal, and some fall somewhere in the middle. Since the 1950’s this research has been brilliantly expanded by Carol Dweck with her theory of success as based on a “Fixed” or “Growth” mindset. People with a high external locus of control continually blame environmental factors for their hardships. For example, if they perform poorly at work, people with a high external locus of control are more likely to blame their boss, while those with a high internal locus of control may blame their own efforts and abilities. If you have a high external locus of control you may continually find yourself experiencing the same set of negative consequences over and over again; this may occur interpersonally, professionally, emotionally and even in terms of your physical health. If your philosophy about control is outside of your conscious awareness then you are essentially a slave to it, repeating the same negative dynamics again and again, all the while feeling at the mercy of circumstance. Over time, repeatedly reenacting the same problematic patterns of behavior causes a self-fulfilling prophesy to manifest. A person comes to believe that they truly cannot impact their own future; thereby sealing their fate as nothing more than a cog in a wheel that goes nowhere. If you grew up with parents who continually emphasized effort and personal responsibility, you may have an easier time with life’s ups and downs. On the other hand, if your parental models continually blamed external factors for their difficulty or if you genuinely struggled with events outside of your control (socioeconomic status, trauma, abuse, war or social unrest) you may be prone to having a high external locus of control. Locus of control has been extensively researched and is a significant factor in pro-health behaviors, emotional stability, relational satisfaction and professional accomplishment. Having a high external locus of control may make some more prone to depression, alcoholism and obesity. It is important for your future contentment to consider how you approach setbacks, what is your attributional style? Answer these questions to find out. 1. Do you believe positive events in your life are mainly due to luck or chance? 2. When you hit a setback or fail at something do you blame others? 3. When you are upset do you feel like your emotions are out of your control? 4. When you have an argument with a friend/romantic partner do you repeatedly tell yourself what they did wrong? 5. When you hit a roadblock or challenge (interpersonally or professionally) do you tend to give up, i.e. want to break up or switch job assignments? Answering yes to all of these questions suggests you have a high external locus of control, answering yes to a few suggests you externalize in some situations. Altering whatever tendency you have toward externalizing control will have a significant impact on your self-perception and your ability to get what you want in life. Work to change to a more internalized locus of control. Whenever you find yourself upset or stuck over a relationship, work event, family event, notice if you are feeling that you are at the mercy of others and blaming them for your hardships or negative feelings. Even if your blame is warranted, wallowing in it is not going to help you achieve your goals or make you feel any better. Resist self-pity—instead, focus on the problem that is within your control. Of course, you cannot control the actions and reactions of others. Remember though, you do control whether or not you surround yourself with toxic partners, impossible jobs. You also control how much effort you put into your professional pursuits, psychological wellbeing, physical and emotional health. Self-determination is a remedy for feeling perpetually, and passively, victimized. You , alone, choose which way you wish to control your life. Credit: https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201312/self-victimizing-again Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 15, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 2021年 01月 15号 星期五 阴 Dear Diary, these two days felt like being "tossed in the waves" but thankfully I still get ample and quality sleep. The side effects of the nicotine withdrawal is somehow still there, tried to challenge myself by bypassing those smoking areas, the temptations are still there and I did a reroute almost immediately. There were events which took place that reinforced for me not to make comparisons with my peers and how can I choose to response to them differently. I feel that taking the ownership is important, there were instances whereby I have high external locus of control when I started to blame others for my challenges but without reflecting that the incidents happened were due to a series of choices I made in which lead to its consequences. On hindsight, I could have choose to advocate for myself back then but regrettably I didn't and what if I did? Will it make any differences? The concept of letting it go doesn't come easy because memories will still be evoked and revived, worse if my natal chart depicted that I am more vulnerable and sensitive to all these. But ultimately its a choice whether to pick them up and dwell on it. In my case, its going to be a double effort...... takes alot of determination to tell myself to stop thinking and feeling this way but nonetheless it has to be done. Just do it ET! Take courage and communicate how you feel and think... nothing beats self advocacy. 加油↖(^ω^)↗ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 15, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 @1700hrs Change? I was told that nothing can be change Either I choose to abide or there is nothing else to gain But why can't I write my own narratives Instead of following the so-called mainstream Why can't I have just another inch of self-determination? It will never going to be too late I think Though I am often describe for a person who feels That does not mean that I cannot "fit that bill" Alas! For goodness sake its my life and baggage I will dictate how I should live and function Though I know they meant well Its really none of their businesses This journey can be alone and lonely As I made this choice to embark on the other stream I have to care less what they have to say Focusing on how I have gotten here today So spur on! ET Just follow your head, heart and hand Do not loose sight and give all your might And continue to put on a good fight ET 15.01.2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 16, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 16, 2021 2021年 01月 16号 星期六 晴 Dear Diary, time flies.... we are half way through Jan 2021. The cravings for nicotine was so intense last night that I have to exercise for almost one hour to curb it. Along the way there was a stench of second hand smoke but its still bearable. On Tues.... catch up with my Astrologer who wished to clarify some major events that took place between 2000 to 2004 and what was reflected had indeed took place during the time period. I was told its pluto transits that affects my survival, mind, spiritual state, career and finances. A single pluto transit can raise hell..... and for that period, I have four of them. Yup four .... no wonder it took a toll on my holistic well-being back then. The accident, PTSD, clinical depression and bipolar disorder. As I went through the dates with him in details, unpleasant memories surfaced. Honestly I dislike that because its like opening up cans of worms and all the worms were crawling over body. I did my level best to answer and addressed what he had asked to a point that I felt so overwhelmed and exhausted, again. At the end of the session, he dropped another bombshell.... double blow, took me some time to recover, so far there wasn't any positive and good news. Am I going to blame Astrology for that? Nope, because ultimately I still have to make a choice over the challenges I encountered. So instead of focusing on the unseen, unknown and past, I will tell myself to focus on cultivating and practicing wisdom plus discernment. Astrology is a tool for me to make sense my personalities, why there were repeated patterns and how can I adopt preventive measures to curb the unpleasantness ahead (to my best ability). I know that some things are beyond me but how I choose to respond is more important than anything else imho. Ok ok Diary, I know its already sounded like a "mantra"...... as much as I knew there are many uphill tasks ahead of me, I hope I can still drift it through. Wish me all the best! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 17, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2021 2021年 01月 17号 星期日 晴 Dear Diary, received another bombshell this morning and its only approaching 3rd week of 2021. I am trying to find answers, resolutions but was also reminded that whatever happened today is a choice I made few months ago. In addition, with a chain of events of COVID19, it came to a point whereby I have no other choice but to bid farewell..... yes Diary my work contract will not be renewed due to some medical and practicality constraints on my end (even with doctor's certification). The raw emotion I have in me now is resent. Why me.... again? Victim of circumstances..... opps am I going to spiral into another wave of self-victimization? Though the inadequacy is on my end but certainly the management can make some arrangements isn't it? There could have been measures that the management put in place to counter what had or may happened....and the familiar stance is always to conveniently push the blame to their pay master. Diary remember when I said that the work culture there is toxic? Yes, I received the phone call update on a Sun morning, who on earth will call on a Sun morning to update such bad news? Too bad I picked it up and entertained the person's nonsenses, so in a way I deserved the state of my emotions I am in now. So lesson learnt: Do not pick up the call via an unfamiliar phone number on a Sun. 😄 Well.... on a positive note I will say.... it can be a blessing in disguise.... my time with this workplace is up.... time to move out from that toxic work culture focusing on what I seriously need to do. SO it is always a matter of my thoughts and perspective, what I think I become. Came across this article that I thought is pretty useful for me now.... after reading it... I am thinking....If I think I am not a person with bipolar disorder means I am not one? if I think I am straight I will be straight? Ok ok Diary I know the latter is more complex than it is..... I am just 苦中作乐. find joy in my sufferings. Credit: https://tom-stevenson.medium.com/what-we-think-is-what-we-become-df58a698de99 What We Think, Is What We Become Control your mind, control your life. -- by Tom Stevenson Our thoughts are more than just thoughts. They are what guide us through life and define us. They mould our view of the world and those around us. It was the author, Napoleon Hill, who said that “whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” The mind is a powerful tool when it comes to aspiring to success. If we believe we can be successful, more often than not, we will be successful. However, if we believe we won’t be successful, then we often fail. This doesn’t mean we are prophetic creatures, it simply means that we come to believe what rattles around inside our heads. If you have a growth mindset, you will believe that you can work on improving yourself or that there is opportunity all around you. Whereas, if you have a fixed mindset, you believe you cannot change your capabilities and that there are limited opportunities to be had. Buddha said “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” There is truth in this statement. If you can control your mind, you can dictate the course of your life. You can either be held captive by your thoughts or set free by them. Whichever one you choose will determine the quality of your life. Mindset While this may sound like some conceive, believe, achieve, bullshit, there is no doubt that our thoughts dictate our reality. I have already written about how our internal dialogue affects our live, our thoughts are no different. What we think determines how we live. This has been known for some time. The Roman stoic philosopher Seneca was aware of this as far back as 2000 years ago. “Everything hangs on one’s thinking…A man is as unhappy as he has convinced himself he is.” This quote speaks to me. Back in June 2017, I suffered the first of many panic attacks. I had no idea what was happening and naively thought I was having a heart attack. Despite going to the hospital and confirming that it was only a panic attack, my mind kept playing tricks on me. Whenever I had the slightest twinge in my body, my mind would go into overdrive and my anxiety would build up. I convinced myself I had all sorts of issues. Hardly a day went by when I didn’t think there was something was wrong with me. Be it an issue with my heart, a brain tumour or cancer, I kept convincing myself there was something wrong with me. All the evidence pointed to this not being the case, but I couldn’t help it. My thoughts always drifted back to my body and whether there was something wrong with it. It’s funny because prior to the initial panic attack, I never used to think like this. Sure, I would get a little worried by recurrent twinges and odd pains, but I never got myself into a full-blown panic over them. I certainly never spent day after day obsessing over them either. It was as if my mind had been rewired by the events that day and my thought processes were recalibrated towards anxiety about my health. 2000 years later, I was confirming Seneca’s observation. I had convinced myself there was something wrong when there wasn’t. My train of thought had made me miserable and anxious. I was captive to my thoughts. Control Your Mind, Control Your Life Your mind is a powerful tool. It can either be your best friend or your worst enemy. What we think is what we become. My thoughts led me to become a hypochondriac and anxious. It was only when I stepped back and sought help that I was able to put myself on the right path. You might not have mental health issues, but your mind can still play tricks on you. If you believe you can’t do something, then you are setting yourself up for failure. Before you have even started you are doubting whether you will be successful, it is a recipe for disaster. Our thoughts are the soil from which our values and, by extension, life grow. We live what we think about constantly. These thoughts may be intangible, but their power is in how they affect us and make us act. They can either broaden our horizons or hold us back. There is no major issue with having negative thoughts. All of us have them at some point or another, the issue is when you start to give in to them. It was the humanitarian and Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl who stated: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” Our thoughts are ours and ours alone. We have the ability to choose how we feel, to choose how we will live our lives. That’s why our thoughts are so important because they dictate almost every aspect of our lives. If you want to change your thought process and improve your quality of life. You have to take action. Only you live with your thoughts, no one else. If you don’t take action then who will? To this end, the stoic, Epictetus has the ideal question:“How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted January 18, 2021 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2021 2021年 01月 18号 星期一 晴 Dear Diary, excellent weather today, the sun was strong enough in the afternoon to dry my laundry within 2hrs and now is cool enough to take a slow walk at the nearby park. I was out the entire day, remember I told you I have 7.5 packets of ciggies left? I took out 0.5 packet last, met up with two friends at a nearby coffeeshop on Sat and at the end of the night I managed to discard it in the rubbish chute without touching that 10 over sticks. I brought out one sealed packet today and I did not open it till now as I was typing this. However it was not thrown away this time, perhaps this will be a good litmus test for me. These 3 weeks my condition has been 反反复复..... a revelation..... I will get drowsy and giddy when I have an over exposure of second hand smoke. Good news is my self-control component is improving, the real test will be when I felt intense loneliness and a pent up of emotions, I shared this with my elder sister and she suggested I drink coffee black without sugar to substitute if I am not keen on nicotine sub-product. I drank a glass just now and it has somehow work for me. Diary, I was dwelling on these four words last night "what I think I become". The article primarily addressed our thought processes and not the emotional and psychological part of it. So "what I feel I become" can also be somehow true. If I am angry, I will become the nastiest person. So if I feel that I am a person with bipolar disorder, then I will become one. I recalled during my Christian walk, my ex-pastors did mentioned this to a certain extent, we were also encouraged to destroy items that were in relation or lead to the thought processes, commit to do an outward expression of dissociation of that item/situation. In addition to dissociate toxic people who would make me feel drained. So if I need to convert to a straight I will have to dissociate all the gay community. As a Chinese saying goes 眼不见为净 what remains unseen is deemed to be clean. So if its seen then I have to make a choice to ensure that it will be become unseen. These are all external parameters that I should take note of but how about the internal.... the bottom of the ice berg....have I addressed the affairs of the heart? So far it has been things that were seen, how about the unseen(s)? Or simply ignored it will do the trick? The Astrology prediction stated that between these period(s) I would have these energies to compel me to conduct myself on the following:- 7.4.2020–4.1.2021 23.3.2020–26.12.2020 "You may feel the need to be react to the world by being detached physically or emotionally instead of your usual emotional or critical self. You want to adopt a general approach of being direct and brutally honest. You are able to be objective rather than emotional. This period you may feel the energy and discipline to work towards spiritual and physical balance in your life". It became true as I recalled the objectivity part of me kicked in primarily on work and relationship front. I did not allow the affairs of the heart to take over when I declined to meet up X and our common friends. I am pretty objective about it though I must admit there were some emotions involved. The time that I would expressed myself emotionally is to write in the Diary and those days when I am not writing is because, I need time to reflect, feel and think of how to better regulate and expressed myself. So Diary if you feel that I have been "writing emotionally" then I think you have not seen the worst. 😄 Ok to cut the long story short, time to throw the packets of ciggies away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted February 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2021 (edited) 2021年 02月 06号 星期六 热 Caption on for English lyrics 周深 大鱼 作词：尹约 作曲：钱雷 海浪无声将夜幕深深淹没 漫过天空尽头的角落 大鱼在梦境的缝隙里游过 凝望你沉睡的轮廓 看海天一色 听风起雨落 执子手吹散苍茫茫烟波 大鱼的翅膀 已经太辽阔 我松开时间的绳索 怕你飞远去 怕你离我而去 更怕你永远停留在这里 每一滴泪水 都向你流淌去 倒流进天空的海底 海浪无声将夜幕深深淹没 漫过天空尽头的角落 大鱼在梦境的缝隙里游过 凝望你沉睡的轮廓 看海天一色 听风起雨落 执子手吹散苍茫茫烟波 大鱼的翅膀 已经太辽阔 我松开时间的绳索 看你飞远去 看你离我而去 原来你生来就属于天际 每一滴泪水 都向你流淌去 倒流回最初的相遇 Edited February 7, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted February 7, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2021 (edited) 2021年 02月 07号 星期天 热 时间与绳索 这几个星期的心情就好比像過山車，這心境我真的也說不上。也只能說松开时间绳索的倒影任然牽伴我對它的厌恶。在这繁華的城市里, 时间飞逝是自然的规律。。时间与绳索的相遇绝非偶然，默契非凡， 水乳交揉。时间在无数的欢笑中度过，也有经历过暴风骤雨的时候。曾几时间就像风筝断了线。时间无奈地离去，绳索望着镜子外的时间，仿佛在默默地祈祷着，等待时间回心转意。时间说既然扛起了世人的责任，就得把绳索锁在心深处。希望绳索能了解 这暫缓的离别，更期待着两情缘的延续。时间说这样的谎言，能否会让绳索好过一些？时间终归是绳索的唯一。但时间选择先行离去。松开时间的绳索是否把它们两绑得更紧？ 还是 。。。时间是不会为绳索停留或倒退。。。当绳索还在势力地绑着自己，无法前进。绳索还在原地踏步，绳索累了。想喘口气。是绳索败事有余？无可厚非？这只是一个荒谬的借口罢了。绳索可否离开这世界？不能。因为时间还肩负世人的责任。好！就等待时间的责任的结束再说吧。等着这一天时间的回来了， 只要绳索缓慢前进，从来没离开过。它必定能与时间相逢。 但这是世人要的结果吗？还是需要松开的介入？ -- 柚子 07.02.2021 #一派胡言 Edited February 7, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted February 10, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 10, 2021 (edited) 2021年 02月 10号 星期三 热 Dear Diary, ET have disappeared for the past three weeks to sought matters out. As much as he knew that he was under the nicotine withdrawal but at the same time he know that "his 20yrs old son" has returned. As much as this 42yo daddy has anticipated but least that he knew that it happened at his third year. Anyway, to cut all the drama mama.... ET is back medicated, with the minimal dose to start off with and it will be incremental depending on his condition for the upcoming weeks. This is the least ET can do for the sake of his mental health and also taking into consideration of his loved ones who have been with him all these while and wish that he can resume his medication. ET consulted his new psychiatrist Dr T, as ET narrated his situation, Dr T did not asked him the most important question in which his ex-psychiatrist would asked "Were there any instances where you wish to end it all or end your life?" So again don't ask don't tell. ET think by replying a yes, it will a be different ball game altogether, he could be hospitalized for safety sake. But it was interesting that Dr T suggested for him to go through counselling first and return for consultation after two months (a possible nicotine withdrawal or was it reverse psychology??) but when ET insisted to be medicated, Dr T respected his final decision and commenced the procedure i.e. two full blood tests and weekly follow up for the next three weeks. So it is back to the hospital, a venue of refuge and care. How did ET feel at this moment? He felt lousy, disappointed but at the same time he knew to move forward. Now this 20yrs old son is back, where would ET accommodate him? How will both of them going to communicate after the break offs during those intermittent years? The only fear ET has now that he might lost the creativity but with all those insights written "without the burden of his son", is he that creative after all? Alot of doubts, alot of self inflicted thoughts isn't it Diary? Well that's ET for you, do bear with him. Benefits of writing as a third person Credit: https://www.happy-relationships.com/third-person-expressive-writing.html Edited February 10, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted February 13, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2021 2021年 02月 13号 星期六 热 Regression? Progression? Those few nights were daunting His mind and soul, a separate duality Could it be the chemical imbalances in his brain That causes him to think and feel differently? This was his third time trying without medication He even try to shoo off this 20 years part of him And indeed looks like his will was not strong enough To withstand all these adversities His loved ones has expressed their worries As much as he did not wish to But compliance seems to be deem necessary He resumed his medication with much reluctance It is akin high cholesterol, blood pressure and diabetes Where lifetime medication is a necessity for many But mental disorder is somehow different Because it often carries a discriminative label He knows that he must get out of this somberness Give him some time and space As he continue to nurse his past and present He will emerge as a much stronger person ET 13 Feb 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted February 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2021 (edited) 2021年 02月 28号 星期日 冷 Dear Diary, ET went on a gadget fast for the past 2 weeks (lesser screen time, early rest) whilst adjusting to the anti depressant that Dr T has prescribed. The med can cause him to be in a vulnerable state of mania or hypomania and he may also have suicidal thoughts /ideation as well. Honestly there were nights those ideation returned. All ET can do is to indulge in it till he is sick of it (its like a 5 years ritual) and quickly distract himself by physically moving to the living room or kitchen to prep something. One of the tell tale signs of a prodrome of mania for ET is the quality of his sleep. Diary, ET haven't been sleeping well for the past two nights, perhaps the anti depressant he took has taken its effect..... as ET is typing this, he was reminded that went through the night without sleeping despite taken half a sleeping pill. 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️Dr T is very careful with his prescribed dosage indeed. ET could sensed that the med effect is kicking in way too slowly. His craving for ciggy is getting lesser as well but it still lingers. ET CNY was the quietest this year. No visitations but video call and messages. The highlight of reunion dinner revolved on his niece and her love interest in sec school and her singing pop English idol who ET have forgotten the name. She has grown much taller, almost reaching his height soon. Anyway ET just signed up for a Sgunited course, hopefully things will run smoothly for the next 6 months as he embarks on the course. 🤔🤔🤔 Edited February 28, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2021 (edited) 2021年 03月 06号 星期六 热 孝 是否在我身上看见妳的缩影 假如我能带你走 妳会想要去哪儿 天堂? 地狱? 还是沦落人间 继续游走着 妳的叮咛来去自如 却无法弥补那空竹 是互相的过渡 还真的搞不清楚 你有你的坚持 我有我的固执 世人说违背了它 就是名不孝子 我真的做不到 难道说得不清楚 不想过于掏出 也不知心事向谁倾诉 所以才会陷入那沉沦底谷 宇宙会派谁来守护 其实 我只是妳那囊中物 我累了 累得不想再说 还能说什么 一切都是在敷衍着 我无法顺水推舟 只因没这本事 更不想背叛自己的趋向 到那无法抵达的国度 柚子 06.03.2021 Edited March 6, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2021 2021年 03月 06号 星期六 热 @ 1455hrs Dear Diary, ET is feeling much better these two days, perhaps he has made several decisions on a few things. Throwback: ET sensed that he could be on a hypomania on the 13th day of anti-depressant and he has to take the sleeping pill to aid his sleep. In fact he has to stop taking the anti depressant if not he can potentially escalated to mania. With this heightened awareness, he managed to regain his quality of sleep in just two nights. ET consulted Dr T a few days back and interestingly Dr T suggested that ET could maintain his current dosage of medication plus psychotherapy. This is the first time ET was undergoing such arrangement, in the past it was purely medication and his ex-psychiatrist did suggest for him to be counselled but ET recalled that he stubbornly declined. So this time round, it has to be something DIFFERENT. ET agreed to the psychotherapy and met his Principal Counsellor, PC, recently. In the session, ET was first administered with assessment to gauge his level of risk, quite a few fell on the other spectrum, PC looked concern, the next question pops up if ET has ever wanted to harm himself, ET replied yes almost every other day. PC was pretty calm about it and went on with the suicide risk assessment. ET felt that now its a role reversal, in the past, he used to assess his ex-clients but now he was the one being assessed. ET thinks that its an irony and he is imperfect, its good to do a periodical check on his biopsychosocial aspects of his life just to ensure that he will not harm himself or the others. ET and PC spoke for almost an hour and it was mostly on what is next. ET said that he has signed up for a 6 months course and PC encouraged for him to go by his intuition so that he can decides for himself. ET looked at PC, surprised, this was the first time that ET is asked to use his intuition by his Counsellor, in the past, not even his ex-mentor or ex-supervisors had asked him to do so. He felt validated somehow. ET returned home and pondered over if he should accept the offer, the course administrator called him in the morning rushing him to accept and submit the documents. However ET felt unsettled, he completed the online forms approaching 5am in a morning, one of the nights that he had insomnia. He browsed the course synopsis repeatedly and felt that there should have been more information, if it goes by what was stated, ET has already acquired the knowledge and its more of a refresher course for him except for one module. Moreover the admin was unable provide him with more details and alot of his questions were left either half or unanswered. With that ET decided that he would reject the offer. He could have acted on impulse back then that early morning and felt that his condition is still unstable. He felt the peace after rejecting the offer but he somehow regretted the next hour and he went into a suicidal mode once again. ET felt terrible and it does not help when his mother started to hint him on marriage matters, twice for this year. ET felt stressed and exhausted, somehow only manage to pick himself up again yesterday and today. Now he finally could empathize with individuals who had suicide ideations almost daily. Where to get help: Samaritans of Singapore Hotline: 1800 221 4444 Institute of Mental Health’s Helpline: 6389 2222 Singapore Association of Mental Health Helpline: 1800 283 7019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 8, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2021 (edited) 2021年 03月 08号 星期一 热 5.5 Dear Diary, if ET is going to rate how he felt for the past two days on a scale of 0 (depressed) to 10 (Manic), it was a 6 and 4 for the past two days. Anything 0 to 5 may crippled ET from journaling. He had an insomnia on wee hours of the Sat morning. Yes that thought creeped in again, thankfully he a message from his Astrologer who showed his care and concern. He could simply ignore ET after the consultation sessions but he choose to stay on and gave ET the support after he knew of what had happened to him. The theme for ET this season is all about his identity and self acceptance. Coming from a traditional family there is always a need for him to carry on the linage. Though his parents and elder sister knew of his sexual orientation and seem accepting, there isn't any congruity. ET would sometimes feel pressure for him to go into a straight marriage and only recently he was plagued by his mother who showed him pics of her friends' grandchildren. And one fateful day ET was told that his father started on a vegetarian diet on the first and fifteenth days of the lunar calendar. It came to a surprise for ET and though his dad shared that he did it for health and religious purposes, ET thought otherwise, perhaps his dad is trying to atone his sins so that ET could change his mind on being a gay??? Anyway, ET's father will never admit its for such purposes. The last straw was when ET found out recently from his elder sister who told him about their worries with the rising trend on the adverse reports from the community reported in the newspaper.....ET almost flipped.... talking about evidence-based. Ok Diary, so the final conclusion is that ET family has been shuttling in and out on being accepting of his sexual orientation. This revelation is not helpful to ET current emotional state at all, its an added pressure and that will be the last thing in his mind right now. Of course he can choose to marry a foreign wife but is it fair to the lady, himself and the offspring? ET has his own set of principles and definitely its conflictual with his family. He felt that he is mounting an uphill battle.... its exhausting and he did not know how long he can last. If there were things that ET would appreciate.... it would be his Astrologer and the passing showers yesterday. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited April 23, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2021 (edited) 2021年 03月 09号 星期二 热 Mood: 6 Dear Diary, ET is on a 6 this morning. He realized that he had skipped his medication on Sunday night, often it was advised to resume the medication only the next day and need not "compensate" for what he has skipped. Anyway, the theme acceptance was mentioned by the Astrologer on Sunday. Actually ET was surprised that he suggested this to him because he thought that it has always been his energies rather than a medical condition. Perhaps ET can feel better, happier if he has accepted the fact that he has a bipolar disorder. ET has no qualms accepting the fact that he is a gay who is highly sensitive, imaginative and creative but to be labelled as a person with mental illness, it is still a hard pill to swallow for him. Diary, just imagine he has to use a third party narrative to journal, helping him externalize the disappointments, pains and unhappiness he had experienced thus far. In ET opinion, he can easily get by with being a gay because this is very congruent intrinsically and majority of the people will not probe into sexuality issues in many settings i.e. job interviews. Mental health unlike physical disability is something that no one would ever find out unless the person "look oddly out of the norm" in terms of grooming or/and behaviour. ET's contacts and associates would never have know he has a mental illness unless he disclosed it. And often he find people distancing from him. Likewise in job search, once he declared, do not expect for him to called for an interview and even he did, some of the interviewers would look skeptical and sounded demeaning. Nowadays, ET will consoled himself that he has did his best and the other person may have struggles of their own in accepting people with mental illness. Again its a irony, ET is unwilling to accept this part of him and yet consoled himself in such a manner. So does it tantamount to as much as his family members are still unwilling to accept that fact that he is unable to get married and have any children? Perhaps.... as many will say same same but different. Diary if there is one thing ET wish to give thanks to, it will be his friends who have unreservedly gave him the time and space while he was in hibernation. ET remembered reading CASS model for coming out in one of the booklets published by Oogachaga that had helped him accept who he is as a gay perhaps it can help him in mental illnesses as well? Looks like ET still at identity comparison stage i.e. self-denial after 21yrs. Identity Awareness/Confusion • First awareness of homosexual thoughts, feelings and attraction. • Client feels confused about his/her experiences. • Men may separate emotional involvement from sexual contacts. • Women may have deep relationships that are non-sexual, though emotionally intense. Identity Comparison • Strong self-denial of sexuality or compartmentalised sexuality. • Accept homosexual behaviours (sometimes sexual) but maintain heterosexual identity in what can be described as a double life. • Display signs of internalised homophobia. • Self-alienation which leads to isolation. Identity Tolerance • Acknowledgement of own sexuality. • Starting to seek out fellow LGBTQ people but are likely to prefer small group interactions, or less public LGBTQ spaces. Identity Acceptance • Attaches positive connotation to own sexuality. • Increases contact with other LGBTQ people. • Willingness to partake in larger social events. Identity Pride • Views himself/herself as part of the LGBTQ community. • Reduced interaction with heterosexual/straight people. • Perceive the society as divided into LGBTQ / heterosexual. • Conflicts with non-accepting people might increase. Identity Synthesis • Integrate one’s sexual identity with oneself. • Bridge understanding between different groups of different sexual orientations/gender identities. • Cease to define space, life or social interaction according to sexual orientations/gender identities • May seek help because of issues indirectly related to sexuality. Source: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5a65ffdbf9a61e45b684f769/t/5cbcb6c4ee6eb039cefb57f7/1555871470713/Quick+Reference+Guide+for+Therapists+Working+with+LGBTQ+Clients.pdf Edited March 25, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 22, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) 2021年 03月 22号 星期一 热 Mood: 5 Edited March 22, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 25, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2021 2021年 03月 25号 星期四 小雨 Mood: 5.5 Dear Diary, these two and half weeks has been pretty tormenting for ET. What happened was this..... ET is feeling suicidal again, the curtains to his room was drawn almost everyday, leaving the room dim and dark. He was in the bed most of the times and what he can only do was to indulge himself with Youtube content on mental health and wellness, suicides and its interventions, psycho-ing himself that situations would improve overtime. He consulted PC two weeks ago and got a rude shock with the fact that he felt being judged and PC was not listen empathically to him plus jumping into conclusions to his predicaments. ET feedback to PC and still deciding if he should continue with the sessions that had made him feel worse. The cravings for the cigarettes was very strong especially when its the most easy way out to up that dopamine level..... ET would often felt lethargic, groggy....foggy and he was wondering if it was the nicotine withdrawal or the chemical imbalances that "causes a relapse", there are simply lack of motivation to do anything at this juncture, let alone in writing on you, dairy. These two and half weeks were mainly the lows and few neutrals for ET. Thankfully, he has somehow experienced it in the past and knew where and what are his triggers that he need to avoid i.e. his family. There were individuals who also would check in with ET on a periodically basis in which he appreciates. Though some may not be of what ET was expecting, he is also trying to empathize as well why some things were meant to be like this. Perhaps it was a indicator of something or a phenomenon? Nonetheless, the few who knew of ET current condition were kind to make him feel supported. He is blessed. Errrrrr...... Its always easier to say "You will feel much better" Or "Set a goal and just do it" But often than not when a person is at their lowest They have challenges even to wake up from their bed Have a proper meal or even step out of the house Days passes... slumbering in the bed Mind twirling with undesirable information Was it the chemical imbalances in the brain? Or was it some events that has took place? These emotions are tough to bear Glad Mad Sad Scared Most of them were negative And why is that so? Are men born to see things mainly on the left scale? The cup that was only half-emptied? What if there were many dots drawn on a whiteboard What is the first thing that one will see on it? Many will say the dots caught their attention But why no one sees what's beyond? Could it be because we are hopelessly born into this world? ET 25.03.2021 Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 27, 2021 2021年 03月 27号 星期六 雨过天晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET is feeling very vex and tired. He has been walking in the "maze", a maze that reminds him of his inadequacy. ET met up with his Astrologer a few days ago and honestly speaking Diary, he was trying to register what his Astrologer has said or remind him of his birth chart that day. All ET heard thus far was pretty negative and energies that will be upcoming. Things like "Your uranus is experiencing the first opposition in your life" and some issues about Mars just did not registered into ET's mind, perhaps because he had only 3hrs of sleep for the previous two night. Is ET too self-absorbed in his challenges or are there something else that is bothering him till today? Diary remember in ET previous entry, he mentioned that his family is his potential trigger in times like this? Yes family..... though he has priced his family as one of the support pillars in the past but he could be wrong. His parents and sister would still wish him to settle down and set up his own family with a woman and have children. It does not help when the newspaper reported a few unfavorable court cases on same sex molestation involving with young children and adults recently. ET's sister said that parents has been reading those news which may worsen their impression on the PLU community. ET recalled what his mother has reprimanded him for being irresponsible so long as he is unmarried and it does not help when his relatives would chip in periodically as well. ET thought of his own and his parent's concept of filial piety. Obviously there are vast differences and expectations pegged to it. ET is already in his 40s moving towards 50s, his parents must be worrying since he is the only male heir. So to conclude, family has always been the trigger just that its a well-hidden, implicit and even a masked one. Well Diary..... its always easy to say to conveniently marry a local or foreign lady or even a lesbian who will help bear a few children but is that a life ET wishes for? Of course not, the best scenario is for ET to have a male partner and have a child via surrogacy or adoption. But will that happen here in Singapore? No. Almost dream on..... as ET struggled the many labels in his life, it seems like nothing can bring him relieve and comfort at this very moment. Really nothing. So when ET friends asked if he is ok, his standard reply nowadays is "not ok also bopian (no choice) have to be ok". Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 28, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 28, 2021 2021年 03月 28号 星期日 晴 Mood: 6.5 Dear Diary, ET met up with K and H last night for dinner and tea. It was a long over due gathering since ET was not in his top form for the past three months. ET is glad that both of them are fine and looks as fresh, the trios chatted mostly on serious topics ranging from COVID19, vaccinations, work, career, hobbies and parents' expectations. Hours passed pretty fast and ET wondered how both of them felt after they parted. Et definitely felt comfortable, listened to and positive after the meet up. Diary, you know that there are certain profiles of people who will exhaust ET and hopefully there will be more people with positive vibes and wisdom that will come into ET life and eliminate those who are immature and draining to interact with. There are also passing thoughts for ET to leave Singapore, perhaps to start afresh and avoid his family altogether. Yes, fight vs flight vs freeze vs fawn vs flop...... flight is what ET has chosen. Currently, ET has kept his verbal communication with them to the minimum. ET really need to keep himself sane for this season, its approaching April and like it a not, he will be getting busier as months passes. Anyway, recently ET was introduced to this Thai gay drama named "TharnType The Series". This series may serves as a recreation watch for this season. The synopsis goes something like this: Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TharnType:_The_Series "Type Thiwat is a handsome freshman with a passion for football and spicy food. Although he’s a friendly boy, he hates gay people because, in his childhood, he was molested by a man. His life turns upside down when the new academic year of college brings along a charismatic roommate, Tharn Kirigun. Tharn is a gorgeous, compassionate music major, who is also openly gay. When Type learns this, he is determined to make Tharn leave the dorm, as he won't live with a gay person. Tharn is equally determined not to give into Type's homophobic tantrums. With a gay guy and a homophobic guy that have to share a small space together for the rest of the year — what can possibly be the outcome of their story? Hatred? Or maybe love?" ET, a gay was molested when he was 12yrs..... periodically ET would imagined that he will one day meet a partner who is 3 to 4 years his senior, spectacled, from one of the reputable institutions in Singapore whom ET later discovered that he is that molester..... how shall ET face the truth? It can be pretty drama isn't it Diary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 30, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2021 2021年 03月 30号 星期二 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, its Bipolar Awareness Day which is also the birthday of Vincent Van Gogh who was posthumously diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. ET recently penned a short reflection article on self-acceptance and self-identity as a third person for a mental health and wellness website but was suggested by the editor to write as a first person. Because writing as a third person somehow lacked of ownership towards ET recovery journey and its not personalize enough. He was also caution that by using "ET" (an alien in a 80s movie), it devalues the importance of his recovery journey experiences, making it sounded funny and not serious at all. ET replied and stated that it would be most comfortable if he could write as a third person for this season of his life. Writing as a third person allows him to externalize the sorrows and pain he is facing now, perhaps one may said that ET is not ready to face the challenges.... and yes.... so what if ET is not ready, it is perfectly alright to accept the fact that he is not ready. And this fact is much easier than accepting the fact that he has Bipolar disorder, ironically. This disorder has really a huge impact in ET's life, making him breathless most of the time. He constantly feels that he is in and out of that deep forest. Will there be a day when he will be out of woods? The day will arrive perhaps being diagnosed with mental disorder is similar to someone who is diagnosed with a flu and fever? Or consulting a psychiatrist is akin to visiting a GP for a physical health condition? Or when colleague's conversation will be like "Oh I am on 3 days MC from today to visit IMH for my monthly injection and rest for my hypomania for the next 2 days?" Or my insurance covers by stay at NUH psychiatry ward for my pre-existing Bipolar Disorder. On this significant day, ET hopes that there will be an era whereby stigmatization and discrimination of mental health disorder will be mostly eradicated. Source: https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/health/national-council-of-social-service-launches-guide-for-media-reporting-on-mental PS: Diary, anyway ET will still continue to use ET as a pseudonym because he has been using it since day one. As stubborn as he is. Is this stubbornness his downfall? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted March 31, 2021 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2021 2021年 03月 31号 星期三 晴 Mood: 5.5 Dear Diary, ET is learn by experiential and auditory so often than not he has to experience the process of learning the easy, comfortable, the challenges and the pains. Though he always have this love for music but strangely there was this constraints of not having to read musical notes or play any musical instruments. He did like to do something that was in relation to it however after thinking it through one night, ET thought that he should know what are his limitations and go easy with what he can and cannot fulfill. ET hopes that the person who suggested "the something" will understand where he is coming from. ET went on for two Zoom sessions last night and tonight that involved in two interest groups. And ET thinks and feels that the latter suits and makes him feel more comfortable at this moment. Tonight session was talking about mental health and wellness in which he needs more reinforcements and reminders on it. As drama as ET can be, he produced these two statements in Chinese (loosely translated via Goggle). "很多时候, 跟那遥不可及的人事物保持一段距离是比较明智的决定。因为不想到了最后受伤的人是自己" In many cases, it is a wiser decision to keep a distance from people and things that are out of reach. Because I don’t want to be the one who gets hurt in the end "虽然踏出舒适圈很重要但也得知道自己的底线到哪儿和什么时候得要量力而为" Although it’s important to step out of your comfort zone, you have to know where your bottom line is and when you have to do your best. Good night Diary, ET feels that he can sleep well tonight and perhaps have some vivid dreams. PS: Thank you CW for inspiring ET to pen down his thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 6, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 6, 2021 2021年 04月 06号 星期二 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET forced himself to step out of the his house last long weekend and perhaps he has exhausted himself from all those meet ups and what not. He is getting more and more tired of the circle of new people who he is in contact with. He choose to be quiet for all of his chatgroups nowadays. He no longer show interest in those links and videos sent by them anymore. He is also wondering if there are true friendships in his midst all these or ET is just another person to make up their numbers or a time-filler? ET disliked it when people knew of his age and started to say "oh you are still so young?" Yes Diary, ET has been meeting with individuals or group who are more mature in age these few months. ET like to mingle with people with certain maturity because he believes in collective wisdom but as naively as he thinks, not all people he has encountered thus far are as mature as he expected. Again there are different benchmarks for wisdom and maturity but one strength ET do drawn from most of them..... they are somehow financially stabled (in which he can learn from). Some of these new people may sees ET as someone who comes into their midst with an agenda i.e. money exploitations but his conscience is clear and they have every right to feel as such. Anyways, ET finally found the article that his sister spoke about on categorizing homosexuality as a mental disorder. This is pretty depressing and not forgetting there were local news that depicted on unfavorable press on the PLUs recently as well, ET do not wish to imagine what his parents would think on such issues upon them reading it. It's time to focus on something else that's more important in his life i.e. his career. Source: https://www.reuters.com/article/us-china-rights-lgbt-idUSKBN2AQ1AH https://sg.news.yahoo.com/homosexuality-called-mental-disorder-chinese-050530266.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 9, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 09号 星期五 晴 Mood: 5.5 Dear Diary, ET's craving for cigarettes is still there and it had adversely affected his mood. He is wondering if he should start on a nicotine patch or gum routine just to get it over and done with. Nowadays, he tried to keep himself occupied with mainly volunteer stint, astrology, meet-ups and webinars but there is just something missing somewhere in which ET is unable to pin-point. Its not about finding a partner or more friends to curb that loneliness but...... perhaps ET will know soon what is it. Meanwhile he will have to be stuck in this situation until he found an answer. ET attended an webinar this week on a self-development topic that will potentially help an individual to know more about themselves so that the person who may be on a cross-road can make better life choices. This person spoke about how good the course is and all the positive testimonials were splashed right on ET face. However one of the pre-requites for signing up the course was that the participant must be financially stabled. Ok, that's the incongruency ET is battling with, if this course claimed to support and alleviate one from their crisis isn't it better to serve those who are seriously in need? Obviously the target audiences are very different, this person is serving the medium and high income earners who are in crisis. ET wielded his self-righteousness sword again and feel that its so unjust for the person to do it. Anyway ET thinks that is the way how the person runs its business and in the end he did not sign up for the course. PS: Oh Diary, remember the entry ET did on 30 March about writing an online article as a third party? Anyway the editor did not reply ET and guessed this writing stint did not work out after all. Edited April 11, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 11, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 11号 星期日 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, there is this saying "something that often brings negative emotions will tend to hit someone when he/she is unlucky" and "the more the person is scared of something, the more it will charging at the person". Its like "law of attraction". There is this thing about lateness that will cause ET to be in a state of negative emotions. Ok to be fair, a good buffer will be 5 to 10mins. ET feels that it speaks volume of another person if he/she is habitually late for appointments and it doesn't help when nowadays folks who he have been interacting with were late habitually. ET thinks that punctuality transpires a form respect and it also goes to show that this person may have serious time management issues. Over time, ET observes the behaviors of the late-comers and with his tainted POV hypothesized these scenarios: Late-comers often think/feel that:- 1) they are the VIP of the meet-up 2) a very busy person 3) not regarding this meet up / relationship seriously 4) passive aggressive showing displeasures or anger against the person 5) passive aggressively by not wishing to continue the relationship with this person 6) they have been always punctual in their professional settings so often cut some slack for the personal ones Of course when confronted these issues, no one would ever admit it upfront. The only outcome that ET will observe is when the relationship just ended abruptly or weaned off. So if this person wish to dissociate or wish to have no dealings with ET, he can just choose to be habitually late for more than five times and ET will gladly end his interaction with this person. There was this once ET's associate said that he/she suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but again this cannot be an excuse because all adults now who know the basic concept of time management. Ok Diary, ET anal antenna is up again and he wonders how others thinks and feels about punctuality. Anyway his time is as precious as his late comers as well, period. PS: Another side of the coin.... yawn https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/thriving101/201411/the-real-reason-some-us-are-chronically-late Edited April 11, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 11, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2021 2021年 04月 12号 星期一 晴 Mood: 6 白云☁。。。只想记录这一刻。 情非得已 作词：张国祥 作曲：汤小康 编曲：Janny Wilson 难以忘记初次见你 一双迷人的眼睛 在我脑海里 你的身影 挥散不去 握你的双手感觉你的温柔 真的有点透不过气 你的天真 我想珍惜 看到你受委屈 我会伤心 只怕我自己会爱上你 不敢让自己靠得太近 怕我没什么能够给你 爱你也需要很大的勇气 只怕我自己会爱上你 也许有天会情不自禁 想念只让自己苦了自己 爱上你是我情非得已 难以忘记初次见你 一双迷人的眼睛 在我脑海里 你的身影 挥散不去 握你的双手感觉你的温柔 真的有点透不过气 你的天真 我想珍惜 看到你受委屈 我会伤心 只怕我自己会爱上你 不敢让自己靠得太近 怕我没什么能够给你 爱你也需要很大的勇气 只怕我自己会爱上你 也许有天会情不自禁 想念只让自己苦了自己 爱上你是我情非得已 什么原因 我竟然又会遇见你 我真的真的不愿意 就这样陷入爱的陷阱 只怕我自己会爱上你 不敢让自己靠得太近 怕我没什么能够给你 爱你也需要很大的勇气 只怕我自己会爱上你 也许有天会情不自禁 想念只让自己苦了自己 爱上你是我情非得已 爱上你是我情非得已 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 15, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2021 2021年 04月 15号 星期四 晴 Mood: 4.5 Dear Dairy, ET is concern on how people with mental health challenges (PMHC) were portrayed in the media. He watched the Chinese programme these few weeknights and all has directed the PMHC as individuals who are violent, irrational and fixated in an ideology. ET recalled one of the mental health advocates did say that often in our court legal system, nobody will say that violent / disruptive behaviors were ignited by someone with eczema or diabetic but PMHC are often readily mentioned. Perhaps mental health disorders are used as one of the mitigation factors for lighter sentences or to explain reasons for the person(s) to commit the act thus superimposing the negativity part of it. Some netizens are merciless as well, words like "gila" "siao lang" "sort" were splashed all over without even fully understanding what challenges this person has faced in which carried negative connotations of the PMHC. As much as ET hopes that one day these comments will ceased but it seems very far fetched still. How then is the society going to remove the discrimination and stigmatization labels? How can one look beyond and see the person as who he/she is? Why are humans fond of focusing the black dots on the white board and not looking beyond the white board itself? ET admitted that he is frustrated by the system he is in and that explains the remarks he made to you Diary about the injustices and unfairness he encountered in the past. No one will ever understand how ET "was made to experience" all these issues and cornered to a situation. He is still feeling suicidal until today at this moment (thankfully it wasn't as intense anymore). Ironically even among his peers there were moments he felt being compared and discriminated upon i.e. peers showing off their "experiences and expertise" by comparing how long they have been in the recovery journey..... is akin.... is anyone going to break my record? Some of their words and non verbal even tantamount to bullying. Is ET reading into too much or is he in his hypersensitivity mode again? Nonetheless, all hope is not lost, ET is also seeing more agencies that focuses on mental health sprouting in Singapore, one of them is the Project Green Ribbon. https://projectgreenribbon.org/ with its inception just Feb 2021. PS: Diary, ET is trying to listen to some light hearted songs to curb his cravings for cigarettes. Hopefully it works for him. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 18, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 18, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 18号 星期日 天黑黑 Mood: 6 Dear Diary, there is a Chinese saying "天下没有不散的筵席" aka there is no never ending feast, good things have to come to an end. ET would never expect for it to end so soon. He felt sad because it has journey alongside with him during his sadder moments..... to gain some equilibrium. He read this report this morning and it somehow affirmed his thoughts and emotions https://www.todayonline.com/world/healing-power-music?cid=telegram_tg-single_social-free_26012019_today ET wonders if people agree that music has this magic power to heal and hopes that one day he will sit in one of those music therapies for his medical interventions instead of those talk therapy. ET mood is definitely better after listening to some of his favorite songs. ET chatted with CW that couples with different personalities or even outlook may stay together longer. CW mentioned that he witnessed many whom he thought could sustained their relationship ended up in a break up. But those with the opposites in every aspects stayed together the longest, as in human law of attractions.... opposite attracts. In ET honest opinion, it would be perfect if couples will have some similar interests and hobbies. But when it comes to character and personalities, acceptance and not compromise the differences is the key to sustain the relationship. So what say you Diary? Should it be the same same or same same but different? Hmmmm is it something like fried dough and beancurd dessert which are very different in forms but a perfect match in taste when eaten together?? 豆浆油条 作词：张思尔 作曲：林俊杰 编曲：蔡政勋/陈建玮 喝纯白的豆浆 是纯白的浪漫 望着你可爱脸蛋 和你纯真的模样 我傻傻对你笑 是你忧愁解药 你说我就像油条 很简单却很美好 ＊我知道 你和我 就像是豆浆油条 要一起 吃下去 味道才会是最好 你需要我的傻笑 我需要你的拥抱 爱情就是要这样 它才不会淡掉 ＃我知道 有时候 也需要吵吵闹闹 但始终 也知道 只有你对我最好 豆浆离不开油条 让我爱你爱到老 爱情就是要这样 它才幸福美好 △我知道 都知道 你知道 你都知道 好不好 别偷笑 笑 让我知道(就好) 我喝完热豆浆 却念著还想要 你吃完金黄油条 爱情又要再发酵 Edited April 20, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 20, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 20, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 20号 星期二 晴 Mood: 5.5 *** Content may cause disturbance and discomfort, kindly read and watch video at one's discretion Dear Diary, ET has to remind himself to periodically delete the files in his smartphone. Recently, he was thinking if he should get another SD card but at the same time he was reminded of being a "Digital hoarder". There were news on hoarding for the past few months and its known to create cleanliness, hygiene and fire hazards challenges. What challenges will digital hoarding create? ET hasn't find a pivot to this question but the basic fundamental is the concept of inability to let go and the discipline to procrastinate. Haha. Looks like ET has to do some major spring cleaning soon. Anyway the topic of end of life seem be on the digital space recently, was it because of post Qing Ming? ET has briefly mentioned on euthanasia as a more dignified way of ending one's life. The topic was often shun by the locals in many aspects, primarily due to religion and life perspectives. Will there a day where euthanasia be legalised here in Singapore? As much as human enjoy its rights....will they have the freedom and liberty to end theirs by choice instead of leaving the world due to terminal illness or other means drastic methods of suicides i.e. hanging or drowning. For ET, he thinks and feels that it will be beneficial to give people a choice on how they wish to end their life, in dignity and comfort. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited April 20, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 21, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 21, 2021 2021年 04月 21号 星期三 晴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET read an article on workplace mental health this morning and thinks that there are still room for improvement when it comes to advocating for such causes. This pandemic has definitely shook up the entire ecosystem and perhaps the elephant in the room has finally gain some attention of many. Will employers be ever ready to address mental health and disorder at workplace? In the past, mental disorder might have be seen as a personal weakness and employee would just resigned and move on to another employer. These are some of the findings highlighted worth mentioning: "...... despite the high stress levels observed in Singapore, mental health remained a stigma in the workplace, with more than half of employees and employers surveyed agreeing that they were concerned about the stigma. More than half of the Singapore employees surveyed also indicated that they were uncomfortable discussing mental health in the workplace. Related to this, half of the business owners believed that workplaces should not bear the burden of their employees’ mental health problems. This was even though the majority of the same business owners surveyed believed that their companies are supportive of their employees' mental health. On the flipside, only 41 per cent of the Singapore employees agreed that their companies are supportive of their employees’ mental health. This figure is the lowest among the five countries surveyed." Source: https://www.todayonline.com/singapore/7-10-spore-employees-felt-stressed-covid-19-past-6-months-survey?fbclid=IwAR0qVwCzf8iBzgyNEcbo0HOBcE7KMPTbjxuMEiQQOb2nChW-NqxdX-TCxH4 ET feels that it boils down to how one perceive mental health challenges, he recently attended another job interview where he could sensed the awkwardness of the interviewer. ET hopes that he is not too sensitive but at the same time can't help but to feel that the company may not be ready to hire someone who has mental health challenges especially when ET condition falls on the more serious spectrum i.e. bipolar disorder. Perhaps is also because the interviewer hasn't provide ET the security and assurance blanket that they are ready for it though the company claim that they do hire people with physical disabilities. Anyway ET regretted revealing his mental health condition despite being told not to. Spore workforce is still at an infant stage of all these movements and ET is reminded not to be too harsh upon himself and take things at ease. He is still recovering from the nicotine withdrawal, is close to his fifth month now and he wonder how long this battle will last. Nonetheless, ET will be strong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 24, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 24, 2021 2021年 04月 24号 星期六 长命雨 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, it rained almost the entire day today. ET felt abit moody and still peg himself at 5 and his past few days common theme is about REJECTION. ET faced one rejection after the other and he feels sad because circumstances hasn't been running so smoothly. ET realised that he choose not to tell anyone except for him and himself, what's it happening here? Where are all his friends whom he can pour forth to? Perhaps, ET just do not wish to listen to cliche replies that will make things worse for him or simply he just wish to let things go? He hope it will be the latter. Recently, he was reinforced of the reality that friendships in PLU community are very vulnerable and fragile. As much as PLU is consider minorities, they are still further divided into different groups: (i) outlooks and body shapes (ii) social economic status (iii) hobbies and interest (iv) circumstantial and occupation (v) religion (vi) unclassified Perhaps ET is always living in his own bubble, thinking that since PLU is already the minority the more they should stay united, be more empathetic and understanding towards one another. Sigh. Anyway with all the negativities, ET reminded himself not to dive into toxic positivity. As tired as he is and wish to rest now. Good night Diary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 25, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 25, 2021 2021年 04月 25号 星期日 晴 Mood: 5 他 vs 敌人 他的付出都不切实际 那所谓的理想与现实 往往形成了强烈的对比 人生的开端与劲头 喜怒无常的情绪 就好像略微探测到了 那身藏在遥远的敌人 他正在抵抗些什么 为何就不能放下坚持 打开胸怀地接受那不完美 还是都把灰烬扫在地毯下 强颜欢笑地过着那度日如年 也许是真的累了 累得无法解释 那遥远的敌人正整装待发 往世俗的境界迈进 侵略了他的思绪 混乱着他的心情 他也许无法挣脱那部下的局 但他可以捍卫自己 选择逃离 也许这一开始就没敌人所言 最能瓦解敌人的。。。是他自己 讽刺的是他也是他自己的敌人 人生的矛盾。。。几多愁 柚子 25.04.2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 26, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 26, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 26号 星期一 雨 Mood: 4 Dear Diary, ET is not really in the mood today but still glad that he choose to journal despite he is at a 4. ET believed that in whatever situation he is in, the Universe will somehow indicate how and what to proceed next in his life. There are indicators that has moved ET towards a certain direction but at this stage its still tough for him to discern and be wise up on what he had encountered thus far. At the end of the day, he is his own enemy and has to be independent in supporting himself morally. His life journey has never been an easy one to begin but ET has to constantly remind himself to stay strong and resilience, to bounce back in times of crisis (especially with so many issues to grapple with i.e. the cravings for cigarettes are still there). ET is abit overwhelmed, what should he do? Is he simply shooting himself on the feet attaching too many cognitive distortions along the way? It will soon be May and another half year of 2021 will soon be due. But ET is no where near what he had planned for. Or is it a time and season for ET to have more quality rest? Why ET is still feeling so unsettling towards his current situation? There were many hurts and pains he experienced that made him think twice and thrice on alot of things, others may just say "Just do it" but it is not as simple as that. It will take ET some time and effort to walk out of it, he may think that he might have walked out of it but no, he hasn't. Time Diary...... ET need more time for his wound to be heal and to feel of the lesser pain. 稻香 作词：周杰伦 作曲：周杰伦 对这个世界如果你有太多的抱怨 跌倒了就不敢继续往前走 为什么人要这么的脆弱 堕落 请你打开电视看看 多少人为生命在努力勇敢的走下去 我们是不是该知足 珍惜一切 就算没有拥有 还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑 微微笑 小时候的梦我知道 不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠 回家吧 回到最初的美好 不要这么容易就想放弃 就像我说的 追不到的梦想 换个梦不就得了 为自己的人生鲜艳上色 先把爱涂上喜欢的颜色 笑一个吧 功成名就不是目的 让自己快乐快乐这才叫做意义 童年的纸飞机 现在终于飞回我手里 所谓的那快乐 赤脚在田里追蜻蜓追到累了 偷摘水果被蜜蜂给叮到怕了 谁在偷笑呢 我靠着稻草人吹着风唱着歌睡着了 哦 哦 午后吉他在虫鸣中更清脆 哦 哦 阳光洒在路上就不怕心碎 珍惜一切 就算没有拥有 还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑 微微笑 小时候的梦我知道 不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠 回家吧 回到最初的美好 还记得你说家是唯一的城堡 随着稻香河流继续奔跑 微微笑 小时候的梦我知道 不要哭让萤火虫带着你逃跑 乡间的歌谣永远的依靠 回家吧 回到最初的美好 Edited April 26, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted April 29, 2021 Author Report Share Posted April 29, 2021 (edited) 2021年 04月 29号 星期四 阴 Mood: 5 Dear Dairy, ET felt intermittent pain at his ankle since Tues and it has aggravated after an intensive walk yesterday. Now he walked with a limb. Its been awhile since ET experiences a physical pain on his legs. This excruciating pain makes him feels more like a human...... with flesh and blood. Ever since he quitted smoking, he behaves and walks like a zombie with periodical thoughts of wanting to end his life. The pain is more of intrinsic and migraine was often the physical pain felt. But this time round, this pain has somehow crippled ET's mobility, he is unable to walk as freely as he used to do. How he wishes it was the accumulated negative energies that he possesses, has finally reached his feet and ready to be purge out. ET googled and pain on the foot/ankle means there is an accumulated anger, fear and depression. Indeed, years of "living with mental health challenges" has took a toil on ET. Looks like this is something he has to bear in this lifetime of his. Nonetheless, ET hopes that he will emerge stronger as a person and continue to journey with "this son" of his since 2001/2002. Oh also Diary, ET finally met L's father but he has no courage to reveal the fact that he knew L and how L has been an encouragement for him to live on. ET just felt that it was awkward, an unexplainable gut feel told him that its better not to mention anything anytime soon, so he kept quiet. There seems like quite a few doors of opportunities for ET to decide what he should do next for his career. He recalled one of his friends ever say.... now its a mean of job and survival why think of career? But ET beg to differ, as much as he has left the sector for almost 3 years there is still a part of him who he wish to move on with something related with what he has been doing. Undeniable, ET felt depleted over the years with so much disappointments and traumas but he thinks that he has fought a good fight thus far. He is now free from nicotine and alcohol at the least, no longer he needs these two items to make him feel validated and keep him "safe and sane". There is something in which ET felt that its necessary for him to do too, its to garner more positive energies and vibes in his life. Over these two decades there are much topics that covers Highly Sensitive Person, toxic relationships and positive psychology. ET once heard a primary student shouted on the bus "XXX is toxic, go away!" Its very intriguing to hear even a kid would know a person can be toxic. He wonder how would XXX felt upon hearing that. But its a trend, ET has never heard of the word toxic to describe a person or relationship 20 years ago, nowadays its gaining traction and seems like more people has gain awareness on this. Diary, as you know ET has not many friends to begin with. Most of his contacts and associates would distance him upon telling them on his bipolar disorder. As the world has been telling people to avoid people who are toxic so is mental disorder =toxic personality= disassociation??? Perhaps these writings in Chinese will provide some perspectives, to summarize, it says "Birds of the feather, flocks together" and it gave character traits of a person who exudes positive / negative energies. ET thinks that queer community is mostly negative to begin with because we are living in such unforgiving and non-inclusive ecological system. But lo and behold, he did like to choose to think that one person's medicine is another person's poison, so ultimately he will be streamed towards the positive energies if he chooses to practice it mindfully, isn't it Diary? 2021，去靠近拥有正能量的人！ 物以类聚， 人以群分， 和什么样的人在一起， 自己就会变成什么样的人。 毕竟长时间的接触下，受其影响，潜移默化，慢慢的就会与对方相似。 你是什么样的人， 就会遇见什么样的人， 所以，千万不要和消耗你的人在一起。 他们心胸狭窄，斤斤计较， 他们消极悲观，最爱抱怨。 和这样的人在一起久了， 你也会深受其害， 对生活失去热情， 对未来恐慌不安， 变成与之一样消极的人。 近朱者赤，近墨者黑， 自己的人生如此短暂， 要想幸福，就和相处舒服的人在一起。 想要乐观，就和有正能量的人在一起。 只有和这样的人为伴。 你才不会唉声叹气，悲观抱怨， 发现生活的精彩，体会为人的乐趣。 拥有正能量的人， 他们心胸开阔，不会与人计较； 他们品行端正，不会伤人作恶。 和他们在一起， 不用担心被算计， 不用害怕被伤害， 简简单单的相处，踏踏实实的往来。 拥有正能量的人， 成熟稳重，修养极高， 能为你出谋划策，能帮你做出选择。 当你失败时，他们会鼓励你，当你失意时， 他们会安慰你，只要你有负面情绪， 他们会想办法开导你。让你看到曙光，带你走出阴霾。 拥有正能量的人， 绝对不会拖你的后腿，只会带着你一起进步。 当你撑不住的时候，他们会拉你一把。 当你想放弃的时候，他们会耐心鼓励， 当你心情差的时候，他们会逗你开心。 和他们在一起，你的人生温暖如光，你的笑容时常绽放。 人这辈子，择什么样的友，就有什么样的前程， 选什么样的人，就有什么样的人生。 千万不要和负能量的人做朋友， 他们不思进取，随波逐流，他们好吃懒做，心灵脆弱。 不肯为梦想努力，贪图安逸，一点挫折就逃避，情绪消极。 跟他们相处久了，你也会敷衍生活，变得懒惰。 2021，去靠近拥有正能量的人吧！他们是你人生中的贵人，能帮你树立正确的人生价值观，能帮你改掉所有的消极和悲观。他们如灯，为你照亮脚下路，他们如火，会温暖你的心田。只有和他们在一起，你才能减少抱怨，消除不满，没有了负面情绪，变得乐观自信，才能对生活怀有激情，才会让人生充满乐趣！ Edited April 30, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2021 2021年 05月 01号 星期六 阴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET went to TCM Physician yesterday as the pain at his right foot/ankle is unbearable. He did not know what to expect but as the Physician started to rub, pull and push his legs, that was when ET knew that he is done for. He rarely visit the TCM, the last time he went was perhaps a decade ago for a back injury and the Physician without any warning used his knee to support ET's back and a crack sound was produced, his reaction was priceless. Likewise for yesterday session, he was told to relax many times as his legs were "being manipulated" by the Physician. The real deal was when after a few massages, the pains were not on the areas that ET had originally felt. It could an old injury that causes a blockage and the Qi is unable to flow as freely, the Physician hypothesized. ET left the clinic with a bandaged right foot and 2 packets of 40 pills each. ET "think too much" (TTM) mind is on operation mode again, he find it strange that the most painful areas weren't the ones he thought it would be. How about those emotional pains and aches that he felt in the past? Were they originated from the numerous unpleasant incidences that he had encountered or was it somewhere or something else? Many said..... its the bottom of the ice berg that we often need to address. So what are those? Anyway its for ET to find out more in the days to come. ET Whatsapp chats are flooded with concerns on the recent increase community cases that was flagged and the task force has also tighten several precautionary measures for the next 14 days. It seems like it was three steps back and it does not help when there are reported new strains of COVID19 and its symptoms lurking. No one can confirmed that a person is 100% protected from the COVID19 after the two vaccinations. No professionals will ever guarantee that a disease/illness is curable unless it was heavily research upon and data or evidence proven, most fall under the "can be treated" category i.e. mental illness is one of them. ET typed "list of curable illness" and to his surprise the results deviated to topics like common illness and conditions, meaning even the AI technology is unable to commit an answer to it. Could it be a person's death sentence when an illness is not curable and can only be treated? Many people who has mental illnesses are encourage to take lifetime medications. But ET is glad that nowadays, the Psychiatric world has finally advocated for a combination of medication plus psychotherapy. Medication dosage and its effect are somehow fixed and can be adjusted but to have a psychotherapist that matches the person in need (PIN) is a different ball game altogether. To begin with there could be potential transference and/or counter-transference. The therapist outlook, mannerisms or tone of voice may remind someone of an intruder that has traumatized the PIN. This can be very detrimental for both parties in a long run where PIN may choose a "passive aggressive or revengeful stance" to response in which is least efficient, ET thinks that the benchmark is for him to feel at least a little positive and not being judged after the counselling session. As ET is a HSP, he can easily sense, pick up the vibe and read the micro-expressions. He often wonder if these are beneficial for him and how he wishes the only few moments where he wasn't that sensitive were times he was sedated with psychotic medications at the initial and mid phase of his treatments. Nowadays, ET reminded himself to read lesser in between the lines, he is also beginning to tell his contacts and associates to be more direct and straight forward in communicating because he will not be able to take another person's cues which in fact he could but choose not to. People who are HSP will understand because it can be very exhausting to think and feel what other people are implicitly telling him. So its better to cut the chase, be honest and not beat around the bushes.... and hopefully this will somehow relief ET from thinking or reading into too much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 4, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 2021年 05月 04号 星期二 阴 Mood: 4.5 那些年的憧憬与梦想 已被现实所吞食 好遥远 熙攘的城市中披星戴月 还以为能与光芒环绕这世界 却被身心灵的一场拔河 搞得脑残 执念泛滥 无法挽回的时间点 难忘那一丝丝的眷恋 世人皆知却说是一种考验 像只鸵鸟 苦干地埋头 尝试罢免那世俗的残缺 那悲愤与失落的感觉 人往往却看不清楚 喜欢把那底线践踏 变得模糊 尝试突破 自我陶醉其中 披上那已久没穿的盔甲 远离那目标与现实的俘虏 远离那感情用事 想太多的束缚 柚子 04.05.2021 Edited May 5, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 5, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2021 2021年 05月 05号 星期三 阴 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, all good things must come to an end. Trevvy aka sgboy closed their website on the 30th Apr 2021 with much dismay. ET is the one who was always lurking within the website when it started in 1999. It provided him with the solace and the company back then when he was very closeted. He will popped by the Hotbod and forum pages mainly and occasionally read non-membership articles. He was never a member until late 2000s where he started to be curious about the members only access. But when sgboy became a paid subscription platform, ET ceased visiting and started to lurk within the Blowing wind (BW) forum vicinity instead. ET wish to thank sgboy for keeping him company during those trialing period where he knew that there was a community that he can look up to. And also BW for giving the community an outlet to share their thoughts and feelings. ET visited his Diary entry last year and found that he was doing a online screen fast and did not journal for almost one month. ET wondered how did he manage back then without much screen time. And this year he managed to quit smoking and he is into his sixth month, something that he is looking forward to. Those avoidance from the smoking venues helps, he still did not go for the nicotine patch and gums in fear that he will be addicted to it. The coast seems calm and clear as of now, nothing much has rocked ET boat yet for the past few weeks. There are things he wishes to say but wonder how is he going to journal them down. Yes its about that immediate thoughts of suicide, it did return to haunt ET occasionally and he will always think of L and his life mission to keep himself sane. Though his parents violently object for him to be too explicit about it, ET feels that he has to do it anyway. ET elder sister seems fine for him to divulge his mental health issues and suicidal but she is against him telling people that he is a gay. Perhaps she is right, the only platform ET can appear comfortably is at this forum and he has to hide himself. OK ET is repeating the same old same old. Will there be a day for something new or maybe fictitious writing? How about writing what ET has always wish to writ? Akan Datang he hopes. PS: Oh also..... For friends who know ET in person and the existence of this Diary, ET did like to let you know that because he sensed that you are trustworthy and hence he divulged. It takes courage for ET to trust someone because he is always in that insecure mode and you meant alot to him. So kindly refrain from breaching this trust established within. Thank you. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 11, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 11, 2021 2021年 05月 11号 星期二 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET desperately in need of a booster.... 逆光 作词：廖莹如 作曲：李伟菘 编曲：Martin Tang 也许我一直害怕有答案 也许爱静静在风里打转 离开 释怀 很短暂又重来 有时候自问自答 ＃我不要困难把我们挤散 我责备自己那么不勇敢 遗憾没有到达 拥抱过还是害怕 用力推开你我依然留下 ＊有一束光 那瞬间 是什么痛得刺眼 你的视线 是谅解 为什么舍不得熄灭 我逆着光 却看见 那是泪光 那力量 我不想再去抵挡 面对希望 逆着光 感觉爱存在的地方 一直就在 我身旁 Repeat ＃,＊ 我以为我能后退 反复证明 这份爱有多不对 背对着你如此漆黑 忍住疲惫 睁开眼 打开窗 才发现你就是光芒 Repeat ＊ 光芒 你是光芒 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 12, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2021 (edited) 2021年 05月 12号 星期三 温 Mood: 5 ET challenges There were days the thoughts returned There were nights wanting to end it all What held ET back? Was it his pride and ego? An ambivalence? Or was it something else He watched umpteen clips on suicides The what, where, which, when, who, how Flashbacks of those who choses the path The overexposures made ET concludes Its not life they wish to end but the pain The pain that no one understands Its excruciating intrinsically to the max The bleeding within was profusely No words can describe what it was No one's pain is similiar to the others too What difference does it make If one ends it all tonight or tomorrow? It does, because the next very day is hope A hope for continuity to garner peace Peace that transcends all understanding ET, can continue to be an overcomer It took him 21 years to be where he is now There is seriously no turning back ET, move on with more self compassion You have done that all along You can do it once again Spur on! E.T 12.05.2021 Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited May 22, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 15, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 15, 2021 2021年 05月 15号 星期六 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, for the past few day, ET has this passing thought of ceasing his medication again. And coincidently someone in one of his chatgroup mentioned this and ET managed to have a string of conversation with them. He is glad that he was not alone in this issues. There are individuals out there within his contacts who are facing similar challenges. Its never going to be easy just to stop medication especially Singapore is still very much guided by the disease model where medication management is highly critical in disease recovery. He was referred to watch a video and perhaps he here in can take some pointers and decide for himself on what's next?? Lately, ET also took time to browse through the social / print media and found that some mental health conditions are further labelled as more severe/serious than the other i.e. Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia. Singapore going to start their CB phase 2 tomorrow for 4 weeks, he will have more time to read up and perhaps make an informed choice with regards to ceasing his medication off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 21, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 21, 2021 2021年 05月 21号 星期五 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET was put in situations whereby he felt challenged for the past few days, having to do something that is not his forte at all, he felt that he is unable to fit in. Of course ET can choose to pick up a new skill, retrain and upskill but he felt that whatever he is told to do now fell out of the tangent from his initial calling. ET felt that he was being robbed off in pursuing his passion, whatever carrots the people are hanging in front of him now could be just a facet and may potentially take the time off that ET wish to pursue originally. But at the same time, ET knows his limitations. In the past, ET used to pray to God and asked Him for signs and directions. Those were the days whereby he would say "ET did his best and let God do the rest". Has ET did his best nowadays? Or has he been slacking for the longest time? For all he knows, he is trying his best to stay alive. Nowadays instead of God, ET replaced it as Universe. He believes in how the Universe can bring circumstances and people into his life and either to stir some shit or to bring peace to ET. There are a lot things ET cannot be too explicit while texting you Diary, not many people know how ET had suffered at work front under the ecological system that he is in. The thoughts of wanting to end it all are getting more and more intense lately. Its good that ET text about it, so that he can slowly reframed those thoughts into better ones. Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 22, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 22, 2021 2021年 05月 22号 星期六 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET he felt deflated in giving and serving lately. Could it be because he is experiencing a mid-life crisis now? He thought that he knew with clarity of what he wanted yet doors seem to be close one after another. He can't help but to think if its time for him to do a career transition altogether, yet there is still a lingering feeling..... oh of course he can still volunteer his passion but is it meant to be as such? He felt energized by rendering support to others just by lending a listening ear but now it seems like a different ball game. ET still has his financial obligations. He preferred that he can have the autonomy to work alone and how realistic can it be, isn't it Diary? ET believes that most people are also facing similar if not more surmounting challenges out there. Everyone's case is unique. For ET case he has his "mental health condition" and intrinsic self to grapple with. All in all, ET is thankful that he was given an opportunity to try something different for the past few weeks to determine and decide whether if that is the route he should take. He thinks that he may not be able to negotiate a deal out of it but at least he try his best at the end of the day to voice out what he really wish for. No regrets. The conversation will take place this coming week and ET is keeping his finger crossed. Lately ET has been also thinking about his friendships with others. It seems like he has been alienating himself lately. He needs the time and space to process issues in life for this season. Not forgetting that he is also juggling towards his sixth month of nicotine cessation that's making him havoc. He also left something half said last night on how he can reframe his thoughts on the fact that he is feeling suicidal. Currently, ET is telling himself that what he is feeling now is pain, pain from the past that he may not have closures with so he needs more time to practice the art of letting go. He is unable to control his circumstances but he can control over what he thinks, feels and acts upon. ET choose to look at the glimpse of hope in life. He was also reminded of L and his loved ones who had lost their life via suicide, he promised them that he will continue to practice kindness and goodness within his best capability not forgetting to practice more self-care, self-love and self-compassion at the same time. Perhaps ET is desperately in need of a miracle, some discernment and wisdom...... a miracle that transmits kindness and goodness itself..... some discernment to knowing what to do and what should be avoided and wisdom to know how to navigate the life challenges he is in now. Will it be too much to ask for, Diary? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2021 (edited) 2021年 05月 27号 星期四 闷热 Mood: 5 价值 互惠互利是不是价值的延续 腼腆微笑背后暗藏着什么玄机 脑海里是否想着 下一步棋要往哪儿走下去 都市里的冷暖人间 他已分辨不出真与伪 谁是真诚相待 谁在虚情假意 全在这价值体系中兜着走 假如他已没价值了 他还会被要领吗 多半不会。。。为什么? 只因他丧失了 丧失了 施比受更有福的特质 他正在怀疑人生 怀疑怎么会那么的冰冷 冷得他至发抖 遥望远方 等待下一位觉得他有价值的人 出现在他眼前。。。。 柚子 27.05.2021 Edited May 27, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 27, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2021 (edited) 2021年 05月 28号 星期五 闷热 Mood: 5 为何又梦见他。。。。当年同样的歌曲就继续地伴随着我一段时间吧。我需要它。 同花顺 要你心里真没我 你不会剪去了长发 闪动如蝴蝶在双颊 那是眼泪吗 要你心里真有我 你不会嘴边无火花 静静观察 人世浮华 心已麻 假如说钢铁磨成针 只要愿意等 只要肯爱得深 是不是就有这可能 有可能打动这铁石心肠的人 可惜就算梦能成真 有谁猜得准 能分到多少福份 生命的同花顺 底牌没有你 我也认 假如说温柔是谎话 你不会颠覆这想法 你撑着眼儿都不眨 是眼泪吗 假如你真的放得下 你怎会一言也不发 漂泊天涯 苦苦挣扎 心已麻 假如说钢铁磨成针 只要愿意等 只要肯爱得深 是不是就有这可能 有可能打动这铁石心肠的人 可惜就算梦能成真 有谁猜得准 能分到多少福份 生命的同花顺 底牌没有你 我也认 假如说钢铁磨成针 只要愿意等 只要肯爱得深 是不是就有这可能 有可能打动这铁石心肠的人 就算梦能够成真 有谁猜得准 能分到多少福份 生命的同花顺 底牌没有你 要你心里真有我 飘泊天涯 苦苦挣扎 心疼吗 Edited May 28, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 28, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 2021年 05月 28号 星期五 闷热 Mood: 5 @ 5.30pm Dear Diary, ET has to journal this down. It was full blood moon on Wednesday and ET was feeling suicidal and low, accompanied by a sudden chill, feverish and was in a groggy state. Thankfully he felt better by Thurs afternoon to conclude some matters, after which, he felt much better at peace. ET wondered what has happened for the past few days has to do something with Astrology. In the past, whenever ET felt something was amiss, the craving of nicotine will just kick in and he would smoke but nowadays with him ceasing it, there is really nothing to "fend him". So its really back to will power and some snacking of Almond, Walnuts, Apricot and Green bean soup. Anyway in regards to Astrology, ET is keeping an open mind towards whichever that came into his life right now. He watched a recent Youtube clip by this infamous female Taiwanese Astrologer that explained the full-blooded moon and how it will potentially bring adversities to mankind..... ET is also wondering any reasons for Singapore not having one Youtuber that could explain what really happen up there in the galaxy. Its been awhile since ET dreamt and the first person he has to dream of is X. He forgot what was the context and dream about, all he knew was he saw X face on. He woke up and sweating, mostly due to the heat and humid weather these few nights. The first song that came to ET's mind was 同花顺, a local movie 881 OST. The song depicted a person's love for another whom he knew they can never be together, yet clinging on to a glimpse of hope then became merely impossible. ET's life came to a halt for several years because of X, he knows he has to move on. It could be the fact ET and DN, one of their common friends has been whatsapping each other since Wed. As usual DN has the habit to "tease" ET on X, guessed that was how DN tried to assess if ET had let X go. ET has definitely let X go, he has X hp no. but he wasn't tempted to contact him. There is nothing to touch base on to begin with..... unless ET decides to visit the church X often goes to. But what for, Diary? What for? Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Edited May 28, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 30, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2021 2021年 05月 30号 星期日 闷热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET received a message with a string of Chinese characters first thing when he woke up in the morning. Its about letting go. One of his friends CWG whatsapp him, seems like he knew ET is still unable to let go of something and someone. Often we read of literature on the art of letting go, but honestly speaking how many people can put it into action? For ET he knew he must do it but somehow there were things that hinders him from doing so. Is the inability to let go a negative trait? ET thinks that it is contextual. For example, having to be labelled since young till adulthood and the trauma that ET has encountered, if he hasn't been practicing the art of letting go he could have ended his life successfully even much earlier in his early adulthood. The highs and the lows he experienced were life lessons and tests for him to overcome. And why are there repetitive patterns and why ET has been walking in circles? Are there any cognitive distortions / dissonance here? Was it because ET has been enduring such tests for too long causing more to swarm in? The world has trillions of information nowadays, people are still being conned or even scammed or a better word made to believe a certain life philosophies. So what ET is trying to say is are these string of Chinese characters support what is the essence of letting go? Are they realistic enough to address the challenges? Or are mankind just sugarcoating their situation and it manifested in other forms i.e. physical pains, mental, psychological, emotional health challenges. ET is thinking what if one day there is a product / service that depicts letting go, how will it look and the experience be like??? Heiz..... is ET into his mania or hypomania mode again? 放下吧！放下假我，就是真我； 放下妄心，就是真心； 放下执著，就是解脱。 最后你还有一个放下要放下。 你没什么可放下了，你就是真放下了； 你了不可得了，你就得了； 你不求成了，你就成了。 该干什么干什么，只是莫执著。 朋友，你放下了没有？ Source: Internet Resources on suicide intervention: https://caringforlifesg.org/ Tips and resources to improve your health and well being: http://mindline.sg/ Helplines Samaritans Of Singapore: 1800-221-4444 Singapore Association For Mental Health: 1800-283-7019 Institute Of Mental Health's Mobile Crisis Service: 6389-2222 Care Corner Counselling Centre (Mandarin): 1800-353-5800 Silver Ribbon: 6386-1928 Tinkle Friend: 1800-274-4788 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted May 31, 2021 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2021 2021年 05月 31号 星期一 闷热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET was reminded that today is the last day of US Mental Health Awareness month. Its definitely good to have a month dedicated to it but ET prefers mental health and wellness to be make aware as a daily affair. Everything is somewhat interlinked..... when one's exercises, maintains a healthy dietary, avoids unhealthy social relationships, it will improve inevitably enhances one's emotional and mental wellness. Much has been addressed on the importance of mental health lately. Spore has its fair share of news reports that depicted on quick labelling of person(s) when he or she behaved differently from the social norm. https://www.channelnewsasia.com/news/commentary/lady-wearing-mask-people-with-strange-behaviour-mentally-ill-14882128 ET is mindful to be slow to judge, focusing on the person's behaviours instead. Perhaps its good time for ET to revisit this Taiwan's 10 parts series 我们与恶的距离 The World Between Us. that talked about the societal discriminatory labels on people with mental health conditions as well and gain another new revelation out of it. Good night, Diary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 1, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2021 2021年 06月 01号 星期二 闷热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET felt that often its not all about talk therapy, a physical hug will do the trick. He is a man of few words, least expressive. ET feels that he should stop walking in circles and he is not going to mention what had happened in the past on this date in this writing. The more he types, the more he is forced to remember what took place back then. Let ET be more forward looking, pacing himself is somewhat more important than anything now. If all goes well, June will be a pretty exciting month for ET, he may be embarking on one or two courses that require his full attention. ET is glad that he will be busy for next few months. Something that is much needed for him to divert attention and rid his negativities. Good night Diary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amuse.ed Posted June 4, 2021 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2021 (edited) 2021年 06月 04号 星期五 热 Mood: 5 Dear Diary, ET dislikes it when one starts to say "You are not alone, the rest are also having challenges of their own". ET wish to say to this person that every challenge is unique and of different intensity. No challenges are the same, no traumas are similar as well. ET hopes that more empathy can be shown to him or others who has explicitly voiced out their life challenges and be least dismissive or try to generalize. He may sound not magnanimous enough but he has every reason to bear such thought. By acknowledging that every challenge is unique it gave the person the room to articulate what are the real concerns and while talking, one could find their own resolutions. By generalizing, it shut the person off.... or maybe that was the real intend after all. Anyway, ET just went for his vaccination. Thankfully there were no hives, rashes or swelling but just headache, cold sweats and soreness around injected area. He managed to have quality rest for the past few days. According to the Astrology its Mercury Retrograde since end May to 22June. Its advisable to use this time to plan and review, not making major commitments, decisions or signed any job contracts. Interestingly, there were matters and appointments that need ET to respond. Hopefully, he can delay all of them till after 22 June. He just didn't wish to make any rash decisions until he is sure that he wish to commit. ET is tired but this tiredness somehow forced him to have quality rest in turn energised him. He is also asking himself umpteen times if he should let go of his current career and move on to something else but whenever he wish or has prepared to do it, something will pop up that will somehow stalled his moving on. Has ET been assertive enough to say no? Or is he just being stubborn and 不见棺材 不掉泪😢 (only to give up after its final stretch)? Edited June 6, 2021 by amuse.ed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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