Help, i just came out and my mom can't accept me being gay

[Guest Lost]

I recently just came out to my mom and she did not take it well, she has been crying non stop and would not listen to what I been explaining. I tried to get her to read some article but she doesn't even want to read. She tell me to see a doctor together to see if there is a chance that I can be put back onto the right path. I know that I cant change who I am, but is there a counselling service that is able to handle this type of situation? Or is there someone I can get her to talk to?

[Kimochi]

Nope let her get over it. Tell her truth hurts. Move on. 

[Guest Lost]

Its not as easy to tell her to just get over it, I wanna change her mindset about it, but I dun wan to hurt her so much ><

[Guest just be ur self]

i actaully come out very early . really not easy. u just fillal to her nothing can u do.

[Guest just be ur self]

i actually can helps u talk to ur mother. because my mum is very difficult mother . she like face alot but i convict her totally . and i even make my 2ex lover mother accepy himas he come out to his mother. if u trust mi i can try talk to her.

[Guest Lost]

Thanks, guest be ur self, but i feel like if my mom talks to another gay person she will not accept. 

 

@CURIOUS BOY I am thinking of family counselling, but Idk where to go and which one is suitable for my situation ><

[Guest Help]

Tbh I also dk if I gay. And if I come out how my parent's will react. 

[Guest Hmm]

Surprised no one here has mentioned Oogachaga. They're pretty legit. Look them up, OP. Plenty of resources (including counselling) not just for you, but your mum too. 

[NutriSoy]

Send this link to her. Ask her give it a try to watch when she's free. 

 

 

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, Guest Lost said:

I recently just came out to my mom and she did not take it well, she has been crying non stop and would not listen to what I been explaining. I tried to get her to read some article but she doesn't even want to read. She tell me to see a doctor together to see if there is a chance that I can be put back onto the right path. I know that I cant change who I am, but is there a counselling service that is able to handle this type of situation? Or is there someone I can get her to talk to?

 

Could this organization Oogachaga have some program to counsel the families of LGBTQs?

 

You need to be kind to your mom, since she may be hurt by your revelation,  but under no circumstance you should let the issue be pushed into hiding. You have now the task to convince your mom and ultimately your dad too that homosexuality is not something negative.   (I wish I will be able sometime to tell you about a future USA president Buttigieg as a homosexual role model)

[Guest Guest]

Are you a troll?

 

If not, did you out yourself at the behest of those forummers here who kept trying to goad people into outing themselves? Guess what? They are the ones who are safely behind their computer screens right now typing out their words on screen, or maybe even just hiding away laughing at you, while you are bearing the consequences all by yourself now. 

 

The only thing I could have done for you was to give you a heads-up of what may come if you out yourself. It had been mentioned before: You are the person to bear all the consequences for outing yourselves, and you should only do so when you are both financially and emotionally ready. The warning has been sounded long ago. You have to bear your own consequences now. Good luck. I wish you all the best. 

[jackomaki]

3 hours ago, Guest Lost said:

I recently just came out to my mom and she did not take it well, she has been crying non stop and would not listen to what I been explaining. I tried to get her to read some article but she doesn't even want to read. She tell me to see a doctor together to see if there is a chance that I can be put back onto the right path. I know that I cant change who I am, but is there a counselling service that is able to handle this type of situation? Or is there someone I can get her to talk to?

See the doctor with her, preferable one she sees usually and one you go to? (DSC clinic maybe)

[jackomaki]

1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

Are you a troll?

 

If not, did you out yourself at the behest of those forummers here who kept trying to goad people into outing themselves? Guess what? They are the ones who are safely behind their computer screens right now typing out their words on screen, or maybe even just hiding away laughing at you, while you are bearing the consequences all by yourself now. 

 

The only thing I could have done for you was to give you a heads-up of what may come if you out yourself. It had been mentioned before: You are the person to bear all the consequences for outing yourselves, and you should only do so when you are both financially and emotionally ready. The warning has been sounded long ago. You have to bear your own consequences now. Good luck. I wish you all the best. 

 

This is quite true. I didn't officially come out to them till I was all set to live by myself. But oh well, what done is done. 

 

Sometimes your mum might just be overwhelmed with the worries as well 

[Guest Pink Isopod]

4 hours ago, Guest Lost said:

I recently just came out to my mom and she did not take it well, she has been crying non stop and would not listen to what I been explaining. I tried to get her to read some article but she doesn't even want to read. She tell me to see a doctor together to see if there is a chance that I can be put back onto the right path. I know that I cant change who I am, but is there a counselling service that is able to handle this type of situation? Or is there someone I can get her to talk to?

Show her picture of lky grandson family at the pink dot.

[Guest Closet]

This just reinforced my believe that I should never come out to my parents. I rather they worried that I am single n not married rather than I am gay. They are the traditional type. I dun wan the remaining of their life be burden with such burden.

 

Eventually they will know when we meet again in heaven. 

[evianguy]

You did not give her time to accept your news. You've have years to process the news yourself, give her time. 

Give her time to drama and act out, it's the first stage - denial. After she's rone, then watch out for anger in the next stage. The she might try bargaining, but that'll be short lived cos this is not possible Under the circumstance.  She may become depressed for a bit when she knows there's nothing she can do to change things and finally she'll arrive at acceptance. That's when she'll be more ready to read about your gay literature about parents of gay children. 

[Guest guest]

9 hours ago, NutriSoy said:

Send this link to her. Ask her give it a try to watch when she's free. 

 

 

Sadly not everyone could be so understanding as this mum.

[Guest Mary]

11 hours ago, Guest Lost said:

I recently just came out to my mom and she did not take it well, she has been crying non stop and would not listen to what I been explaining. I tried to get her to read some article but she doesn't even want to read. She tell me to see a doctor together to see if there is a chance that I can be put back onto the right path. I know that I cant change who I am, but is there a counselling service that is able to handle this type of situation? Or is there someone I can get her to talk to?

Your mum reaction surprise and shocked you ?? I think you were her long lost son , just found hence u don't understand YOUR MOTHER WELL

 

I think you were expecting such : Great son. Thanks for being so honest.  Now let go celebrate. Should I get you anything for being gay & honest

 

This is the respond you were expecting ? 

Some article , after reading you cant help wonder what went thru the TS brain when posting it ...........  again after a while you know, it is just fiction, write to garner hits , no meaning and not real case 

 

 

[Guest Info needed]

how old are you? How old is your mum? And your father?

 

My advice will depend on age...

[Guest just be ur self]

actually guest info is right. u must tell us more about ur family back ground ur age the family in ur family many things in order  to helps u. u go counselling is just like u tell the whole world government u are gay. let us helps u talk to you first see how to talk to ur mum give her accept u . my two ex even worse then u the two bros all gay and i have to convince her talk to her as his only gay elder also like mi . i even helps to convice her and his gay small bro sis to accept mi too. if u think go outside seek helps is the best then u no need ask we over here for advice. good luck.

[Guest Lost]

@guest mary the reaction didnt shock me, but i expected something different, because my mom has friends that have kids are gay and I asked her before and she is fine with it. Sometimes she even made jokes about me being gay so I thought maybe she would be ok with it.

@guest info, I am 22, my mom is in her 40s and she is quite a open person, my dad is in his 50s , he knew my orientation a few years back and he was fine with it. 

[fab]

Put yourself in her shoes.

 

Give her time.

[Guest Closetted]

1 hour ago, Guest Lost said:

@guest mary the reaction didnt shock me, but i expected something different, because my mom has friends that have kids are gay and I asked her before and she is fine with it. Sometimes she even made jokes about me being gay so I thought maybe she would be ok with it.

@guest info, I am 22, my mom is in her 40s and she is quite a open person, my dad is in his 50s , he knew my orientation a few years back and he was fine with it. 

Couldn't your dad help you talk to her?

[Guest Hmm]

1 hour ago, Guest just be ur self said:

actually guest info is right. u must tell us more about ur family back ground ur age the family in ur family many things in order  to helps u. u go counselling is just like u tell the whole world government u are gay. let us helps u talk to you first see how to talk to ur mum give her accept u . my two ex even worse then u the two bros all gay and i have to convince her talk to her as his only gay elder also like mi . i even helps to convice her and his gay small bro sis to accept mi too. if u think go outside seek helps is the best then u no need ask we over here for advice. good luck.

Going to a qualified, professional, and LGBT-friendly counselor is not broadcasting to the "whole world government" that you are gay. Yes, it takes some openness on the part of OP and his mum for there to be any constructive dialogue and progress, but generally all information given is treated with confidentiality. Oogachaga isn't part of Singapore's government FYI. They've been around for a long time. They're not perfect but I'd say they're pretty legit. They do have a lot of resources including counselling. Just look at the guides in the link below. 

 

https://oogachaga.com/publications

 

They've helped families before. I think they'd be a more reliable source of assistance (if OP decides to seek help) and of trustworthy resources/guides than online strangers with anecdotal expertise. 

 

But I kinda get your point as well. If OP and his mum can settle this thing themselves privately, that's. perfectly fine too. Echoing what others have mentioned, OP, you  need to give your mom time. Be patient and be there. Don't push everyone away.  Put yourself in her shoes. They're confused and worried, and need time to process, understand, and come to terms with everything. She's not losing you. You are still her son. You are still you. If you could direct her to some resources that would help. 

 

https://www.congregaytion.com/parents-families

[Guest Guest]

Sometimes you have to cut ties with people who will tie you down or do not accept you for who you are. Set an ultimatium. 

[feedersmiracle]

I tried to come out to my mum and my she couldn't accept it. I guess she still doesn't acccept it to this day and continues to pretend that one day I will get married to a girl and have kids.

 

That is all I guess I can say. 

 

Maybe you could have started to plan for living alone or having other friends that can put you up (if you pay rent). But it's not too late to make plans now. At least she is "crying" and not "angry" because for mine she is angry and she continues to believe that I "have strayed from god's light" and all that nonsense.

Edited February 23, 2020 by feedersmiracle

[Guest Lola]

Just say is her fault... Tell her to stop一哭二闹三上吊

[Guest Lola]

Tell her if she has 2 million in her acct you will go back straight... But she don't have then she have to suck it up...

[esel]

For a start, it may be helpful to allow your mum time and space to take in all you have told her. But for how long? I think you know your mum best and so that's your call. As much as you are having a hard time, she is equally having a hard time. All the best! Jiayou! 

Edited February 23, 2020 by esel

[singalion]

ok. you're quite young to come out, but ok. done is done.

Your mother needs to adapt. Mothers always want their sons to have a beautiful sweet wife and grandchildren. Understand you spoilt her dream of holding a grandchild in her hand with a beautiful smile in her hand!

Take it easy. Go on as normal.

My mom is in her late 70s, she still dreams of a grandchild from me! Despite I m out to her since 28y.

Mothers in first years think they did something wrong, ate too much cucumber during pregnancy, were too soft in education or just anything whats out there to make a kid gay.

We know it's all bullshit, but mothers tend to search for something they did wrong.

It is your task to make your mother proud. Have a good job, be self reliant, go your way , be  happy. Never fail to show your mother you are fine and happy in your life.

My biggest success was when I was attached and was sick, really sick and my mother messaged my bf to take care of me.

I knew she got over her sorrows and started coping with the fact for not going to hold a grandchild from me in her hands.

Go on your normal life but don't let your parents/ mum look down on you!

If you have a bf, she will see, gay or straight comes to the same result. You longing to be with someone who cares about you.

Mothers always want their sons to do good in life.

After the lapse of some months, you can tell your mum to stop to worry and allow her to ask everything whats on her mind ( even if it's awkward to you).

But that is the way for your mum to learn to understand your life and preferences.

Don't worry too much now but give your mum some time for you having spoilt her dream on your future as a straight boy, going to marry, kids, etc etc...

[Guest Stephem]

On 2/23/2020 at 10:39 PM, singalion said:

ok. you're quite young to come out, but ok. done is done.

Your mother needs to adapt. Mothers always want their sons to have a beautiful sweet wife and grandchildren. Understand you spoilt her dream of holding a grandchild in her hand with a beautiful smile in her hand!

Take it easy. Go on as normal.

My mom is in her late 70s, she still dreams of a grandchild from me! Despite I m out to her since 28y.

Mothers in first years think they did something wrong, ate too much cucumber during pregnancy, were too soft in education or just anything whats out there to make a kid gay.

We know it's all bullshit, but mothers tend to search for something they did wrong.

It is your task to make your mother proud. Have a good job, be self reliant, go your way , be  happy. Never fail to show your mother you are fine and happy in your life.

My biggest success was when I was attached and was sick, really sick and my mother messaged my bf to take care of me.

I knew she got over her sorrows and started coping with the fact for not going to hold a grandchild from me in her hands.

Go on your normal life but don't let your parents/ mum look down on you!

If you have a bf, she will see, gay or straight comes to the same result. You longing to be with someone who cares about you.

Mothers always want their sons to do good in life.

After the lapse of some months, you can tell your mum to stop to worry and allow her to ask everything whats on her mind ( even if it's awkward to you).

But that is the way for your mum to learn to understand your life and preferences.

Don't worry too much now but give your mum some time for you having spoilt her dream on your future as a straight boy, going to marry, kids, etc etc...

In your case, how did you come out and how did your parents accept it?

[singalion]

BW is not about me...

 

 

Edited February 26 by singalion

[Guest Knowing]

Most mothers already know their son is gay once they reach a certain age and have never been in relationship with a girl before, or mannerisms or thinking a bit soft and feminine, or interested in non masculine hobbies. The mothers know it but due to love for their child and knowing that being a gay is lonely and discrimination ridden path to take, they refuse to accept this hard truth and still hope their son can be normal and able to lead a more respected mainstream life like the straight folks.

[Guest Guest]

52 minutes ago, Guest Knowing said:

Most mothers already know their son is gay once they reach a certain age and have never been in relationship with a girl before, or mannerisms or thinking a bit soft and feminine, or interested in non masculine hobbies. The mothers know it but due to love for their child and knowing that being a gay is lonely and discrimination ridden path to take, they refuse to accept this hard truth and still hope their son can be normal and able to lead a more respected mainstream life like the straight folks.

Very sad moments of truth for the moms (whether they can accept or in denial) ... the dads keep mostly to themselves? There is nothing that we can do, like being gay will not turn us bad, mix with gangsters, smoke, gamble, become an alcoholic etc. ....? 😭

[cutejack]

1 hour ago, Guest Knowing said:

Most mothers already know their son is gay once they reach a certain age and have never been in relationship with a girl before, or mannerisms or thinking a bit soft and feminine, or interested in non masculine hobbies. The mothers know it but due to love for their child and knowing that being a gay is lonely and discrimination ridden path to take, they refuse to accept this hard truth and still hope their son can be normal and able to lead a more respected mainstream life like the straight folks.

They never realise until they reach to a certain age that we are living in a more respectable life.

[Guest dsd]

If a father is homo sympathetic does it mean that maybe he ever got homoerotic experiences before?

[Guest Dun see it]

On 2/28/2024 at 8:02 AM, cutejack said:

They never realise until they reach to a certain age that we are living in a more respectable life.

Can't see why its more respectable, if society generally views being gay as abnormal or something to joke about. If its respected, why are there still closeted gays?

[cutejack]

4 hours ago, Guest Dun see it said:

Can't see why its more respectable, if society generally views being gay as abnormal or something to joke about. If its respected, why are there still closeted gays?

I'm neither closet nor go around n announce.  Str8 nvr go around telling ppl that they r str8, then why should we? Not logic to me. If someone be it relatives or frens saw me holding hands with guys or entering gay sauna or kissing a guy, be it. If they ask , just say yes my fren so n so....🤗

[mate69]

Exactly

[auscent]

8 hours ago, cutejack said:

I'm neither closet nor go around n announce.  Str8 nvr go around telling ppl that they r str8, then why should we? Not logic to me. If someone be it relatives or frens saw me holding hands with guys or entering gay sauna or kissing a guy, be it. If they ask , just say yes my fren so n so....🤗

Exactly. I choose to only tell my selected friends. All others interested can continue to speculate. I am empowered not to give them pleasure of knowing.

[Balestier]

Before you go around telling everyone u are gay, make sure they can accept it before you drop the bomb. Or maybe they have already suspected

Edited March 2 by Balestier

[Guest Stupid mouth]

The only time you tell people you are gay is when they forced you to get married.  Otherwise, just shut up!!

[cutejack]

On 3/2/2024 at 5:35 PM, Guest Stupid mouth said:

The only time you tell people you are gay is when they forced you to get married.  Otherwise, just shut up!!

Even saying no to marriage can be other reasons too. Not necessarily being gay only can't get married. 

[egal]

give her time

[singalion]

On 2/23/2020 at 1:30 AM, Guest Lost said:

Thanks, guest be ur self, but i feel like if my mom talks to another gay person she will not accept. 

 

@CURIOUS BOY I am thinking of family counselling, but Idk where to go and which one is suitable for my situation ><

 

I think you take the wrong approach.

 

What do you intend to achieve with family counselling?

 

Unless the situation is that serious that your parents intend to chase you out of the house or don't even talk to you at all due to your coming out, but what do you intend your mother to take from counselling.

 

I guess some mothers are always disappointed , in particular if you are the only son, not having him married and having grand children. It is also the mindset built by societal views on gays and here in Singapore, even with 377A gone, the view has not changed much. In fact, government doesn't alleviate a better approach to homosexuality if you seriously look at the situation here. What changed?

 

Giving your mother some time to get over the fact, was maybe the best advice.

I know from my own mother and parents that they take time to read up on things or come out with questions.

 

The very best is if they see that you are happy and that all those negative connotations around "gay" aren't really true.

 

Don't avoid your mum, talk to her as normal, even if she makes nasty comments, don't start fighting with her. It will only lead to frustration and slamming of doors.

 

[doncoin]

It is a big shock for some parents when their child comes out to them. For most Singaporean parents, denial is the usual first response even though the signs may have been there for years that their son is gay. Coming out just turns their fears into reality which they may not have the mental or emotional capacity to handle. 

 

So if we are to examine our parents' fears, the majority of it is made up due to ignorance. Think about it critically. What are your parents' fears about having a gay son? As we examine some of these made-up fears, it could be the loss of face to the relatives, because you are different. You are not going to fit into their narrative of finding a girl, apply for BTO, get married, produce kids, etc. because for most of your parents' lives, this is what they were told to be the general path of life. Any deviation from this prescribed path is going to result in a lot of problems. Out of fear disguised as love for you, they wouldn't want their son to fall off the path and degenerate. 

 

This fear causes shame, causes anger, causes guilt and many other emotions that many Singaporean parents cannot handle. Shoving the truth about who you are as a gay son unfortunately is not going to help your cause or bring you closer to your parents. Think of it as trying to explain algebra to a 5 year-old. The mental capacity to process the maths is not there. Similarly trying to share with your parents that you are gay when their emotional and mental capacity is not ready can only result in unnecessary pain and drama. 

 

As children, our obligation to our parents is to be honest and truthful to them. How they choose to handle the truth is something we cannot control. They can allow the fear of the unknown to control their responses toward their son for being gay or they can choose to let truth and enlightenment guide their conversation and relationship with their gay child moving forward. It will take time because many Singaporean parents are not conditioned to think of the possibility that their children could be gay and that is okay. Instead, most of them have this doom and gloom perspective. 

 

Over the years, personally, one of the ways I got my family to accept my sexuality was to normalize anything gay. As I have shared in other threads, my family and extended family have met the men I had significant relationships with. Instead of a girlfriend, it's a boyfriend. How the relatives choose to react is up to them, and so far none has said anything negative to my face, or to my mum as far as I know.  My family may be an outlier, but that is not to say they did not go through some of the common responses most parents do, like denial. 

 

Choosing to isolate or hide your gay identity is not going to solve the problem. Just that on this journey of coming out to your parents, you have to be the one to teach and guide them at a pace that is comfortable to them. There will be resistance but be a good son, demonstrate love and respect to them, and don't isolate them. 

[blueduck]

there were a tragic story few month ago on X. a gay couples broke up and one of the Ahole partner can't accept their decision. then He did doxing to his mom, then the mother got heart attack. we don't know condition of our parents, so think twice before coming out. 

[cutejack]

6 hours ago, blueduck said:

there were a tragic story few month ago on X. a gay couples broke up and one of the Ahole partner can't accept their decision. then He did doxing to his mom, then the mother got heart attack. we don't know condition of our parents, so think twice before coming out. 

Luckily the guy is not the hubby's partner. Confirmed str8 to the funeral parlour.  Rubbish la. When the son married n can't cope with today's spore expenses ,she gonna fork out her money n help is it? Hmmm...

[blueduck]

sorry if I have a little understanding. the story I told happen In Indo. and now He spill the Ahole social media, so people can be caution with the Ahole. Parents most likely will spend their money for their kids expenses even after married, they just want to have their kids married and have grandkids. what i want to say is, please look for your parent health condition before coming out.

[doncoin]

2 hours ago, blueduck said:

sorry if I have a little understanding. the story I told happen In Indo. and now He spill the Ahole social media, so people can be caution with the Ahole. Parents most likely will spend their money for their kids expenses even after married, they just want to have their kids married and have grandkids. what i want to say is, please look for your parent health condition before coming out.

 

 

While we can be altruistic and spare a thought of our parents' health condition if it is a chronic health condition, then is this child going to remain closeted until his parents are dead? A heart attack can be triggered by many things, and it is not fair, in my opinion, to burden the child with poor health choices made by the parent. Furthermore, remaining closeted can have significant mental and emotional health impacts, including feelings of isolation, depression, and anxiety in the child. So in the train of altruism, what are the parents going to do for their closeted child's wellbeing? The truth is, they cannot do anything, because they didn't give their child the safe space to come out to them. 

 

The problem with altruism when being forced upon due to whatever the reasons may be is that it eventually leads to resentment. So if you are a gay child, you have to know what you are getting into by choosing to remain closeted. It may mean leading a double or triple life, where you present one version of yourself to your family, another version of yourself at work, and another version of yourself to the rest of the world. It means putting time and effort into ensuring versions of yourself never have to collide.  

 

I reiterate, that as children, our job is to be honest and truthful to our parents and loved ones. How they handle the truth is something we cannot control. In the case of the Indonesian situation, if the parents knew that their son was gay from the beginning, there would be no opportunity for the ex to dox to parents. By living your truth, you control the narrative of your life story and not let others dictate it.