40 & Single Discussion : Gay men over 45 far more likely to be single + How is gay life like after 40 years old & beyond (compiled)

[GachiMuchi]

 

Gay men over 45 far more likely to be single - and these are the reasons why

 

A survey finds 57% of gay men over the age of 45 are single compared to 39% of lesbians. David Hudson explores potential reasons for the disparity

 

Why are more gay men single than lesbians, bisexuals or straight people? (Photo: © Syda Productions | Dreamstime.com)

 

26 July 2018

David Hudson

 

 

A survey in the US has found that most gay men over the age of 45 are single.

The findings were released in March by AARP (formerly American Association of Retired Persons). It surveyed 1,782 LGBT people across all 50 US states on their thoughts around aging.

It found 57% of gay men over the age of 45 were single. This compared to 39% of lesbians and 48% of bisexual men and women.

‘There’s more gay men in successful relationships than ever before but these stats don’t surprise me,’ says Matthew Todd, a British journalist and the author of Straight Jacket, How to Be Gay and Happy.

‘Of course, it’s perfectly fine to be single if that’s what you want but I’ve met so many single gay men who say they really just want to be in a serious relationship but can’t find one.’

Matthew Todd (Photo: Supplied)

‘Gay men more likely to live alone’

The AARP survey didn’t primarily look at relationship status. It was more concerned at identifying the challenges people face as they get older.

It revealed concern among both lesbians and gay men about the support networks they might have as they age, but, ‘gay men are far more likely to live alone’ and ‘gay men are less connected compared to lesbians on every relationship type tested, from LGBT friends to straight friends, from partners to neighbors.’

When asked about the wide discrepancy between the number of older gay men and lesbians in partnerships, AARP indicated this was unsurprising. According to a spokesperson, the discrepancy exists across ages and is not particular to people over the age of 45.

They pointed to a 2017 LGBT survey done by Community Marketing & Insights (CMI). This surveyed over 17,000 participants and found the 69% of millenial gay and bisexual men are single. This compared with 54% for millennial lesbian and bisexual women. Similar results came up for Generation X (those born between the late 60s and early 80s).

However, although people of all sexualities start out single, lesbians, bisexual and heterosexuals tend to go on a find long-term partners. Many gay men, at least from these studies, do not.

How does this compare to straight people?

The last US census took place in 2010, before the legalization of same-sex marriage across the country.

Again, it shows younger people are far more likely to be single. Only one in three millennials marry by the time they’re 30. However, the rate rises consistently after this – and more than two out of three marry by the age of 50.

The AARP survey is not the first to reveal older gay men are more likely to be single. Researchpublished in 2011 by UK organization Stonewall found that gay and bisexual men over 55 are ‘almost three times more likely to be single than heterosexual men, 40 per cent compared to 15 per cent.’

Such studies only ever offer a snapshot of a moment in time. Some older gay men who are currently single could be between partners. Or they’ve have enjoyed decade-long relationships with former loves.

But given the consistency of such studies, what are the reasons gay men are disproportionately likely to be unhitched compared to heterosexuals, bisexuals and lesbians? GSN asked some experts for their thoughts.

We’re taught to feel shame about our feelings

Finding and nurturing a relationship is hard. How much harder is it when society provides you with little but heterosexual role models? Or if displaying signs of affection to your partner in public prompts anxiety?

‘Growing up gay in our society can cause a deep wound to our self-esteem,’ says Todd. ‘Really opening up to another person, beyond a physical level, means allowing someone to connect with that. If that part of us has been shamed and we’ve locked it away then that is scary. That’s been my experience.

Men, for many reasons, are often less likely to talk about their feelings. However, bottling them up is nearly always counter productive.

‘After a bad relationship, I got hooked in a merry go round of casual sex to numb the feeling I wasn’t good enough,’ says Todd.

‘When it comes to numbing pain, sex is just as powerful as alcohol or drugs. It’s fun – but when we wake up and realize we’ve been single for ten years and haven’t got anyone to snuggle with on a Sunday morning, that’s really painful.

‘So to numb that pain you go on Grindr and off we go again. It’s still an issue for me. There’s so many of us out there soothing trauma with casual sex that you can forget what you really wanted in the first place.’

Dr Tony Ortega (Photo: Supplied)

The easy availability of sex is not conducive to settling down

Someone else who highlights the influence of apps is pyschologist Tony Ortega, author of #IsHeHereYet, Being the Person You Want to be With.

‘The overarching influence of dating and sex apps, such as Grindr, cannot be overlooked in this discussion. A possible reason why the relationship status gap exists in the gay community may be due to the ability to fire up this lovely app (or any other) and bam, there is the next best option 634 feet away.

‘When our options are so easily accessible and there is a large variety, isn’t it hard to commit to just one thing?

‘We may have spent so much time being promiscuous that we have forgotten how to date or even to get to know someone other than top, bottom or verse. I am not judging apps and/or promiscuity as I have been very guilty of both, however, it does tend to dampen authentic relationship building skills.’

Of course, rather than there being too much choice, we can also fall victim to there being not enough choice.

It’s a fact that there are less gay people than there are straight people. This may not play such a role in urban hotspots, but if you live in a rural area then your chances of meeting a compatible partner will inevitably be less. In these circumstances, internet dating and apps have proved a huge benefit.

Husbands David Furnish and Elton John are one of the most high-profile gay, married couples in the world (Photo: @eltonjohn | Instagram)

The notion of same-sex marriage is relatively new

Jeff Levy is a psychotherapist based in Chicago. He is the co-founder of Live Oak, Inc. He believes a multitude of factors are at play and gives examples from the clients he has met over the years [their names and identities changed].

‘Christian is a 58-year-old, HIV positive, single gay man. His health was seriously impacted by HIV many years ago and remains compromised. He lost many friends to AIDS in the ‘80s and ‘90s and while he continues to work, he has been traumatically impacted by HIV, seeing himself as irrevocably damaged by tangible and intangible losses.

‘Tom is a 60 year old, single gay man who lost two partners in his lifetime (neither to HIV). While he desires a relationship, he is hesitant to date. He has several close friends with whom he spends a great deal of his non-work time. He accepts his identity as a “widower.”

‘Robert is a 54 year old single gay man who has never been in a relationship. He was teased relentlessly as a child because of gender non-conforming behavior, and carries with him a significant sense of internalized homophobia. He finds himself only attracted to “straight acting men,” who often actually identify as heterosexual. Robert has used a number of dating and hook-up apps, but none has resulted in any serious dating.

Coming out later in life

‘Rick, 48, is a single gay man who was married to a woman for 25 years. Coming out at 46, he struggled with integrating his gay identity with his identities as father and husband. He experiences discrimination in the “gay world” for not being “gay enough,” and discrimination in the “straight world,” for not being “straight enough.”

‘John is a 64 year old single gay man who came out later in life and just as medication for HIV was changing. While he dated a great deal after initially coming out, as he got older and his health and body began to change, he increasingly experienced himself as undesirable, saying that “in the gay world, growing older is like being cursed.”

‘With all of these men’ says Levy, ‘there is also a generational component of what it meant to be born in the 1950s and 1960s when no role models for gay relationships existed and the idea of gay marriage wasn’t even a blip on the radar.

‘While younger gay men today can experience marriage as a viable option (something that in some ways “validates” the idea of long-term same-sex commitment), gay men of prior generations had no such validation and no such hope as they navigated the coming out process and the process of relational exploration.

‘Of course,’ he adds, ‘such validation of same-sex relationships also applies to lesbians as well.’

He’s keen to point out there are other influences that can impact relationship status, including ‘race, culture, religion, geography, and SES (socio-economic status), to name only a few.’

The impact of AIDS and HIV

Levy touched upon HIV as one factor. Thousands of gay men lost their lives to AIDS in the 80s, 90s and 00s (less so today but it still occurs).

Some men lost partners who they might still be with were it not for a virus that disproportionately affected gay male communities. Fear of HIV has also impacted on our approach to intimacy.

‘AIDS decreased our cohort a great deal up until recently: there are fewer gay men around over 45 because of that,’ says Michael Dale Kimmel, a psychotherapist based in San Diego and the author of The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage.

Gay men find it easier to live alone

Kimmel also has thoughts on the disparity with lesbians. He says that ‘deeply-rooted societal misogyny’ may be a factor.

‘I think it’s financially much easier for men to live alone, since we’re paid more. I also think that it’s easier for men to live alone and find sex, as a single person, than it is for single lesbians. Thus, we have fewer obstacles than lesbians. We also have easier access to sex than single straight men. At least, from what I observe.’

Kimmel suggests that more older gay men are single because they’re more discerning than their younger counterparts: ‘and “picky”, which is, overall, a good thing.

‘But, it does make it harder to find a good match. We’re going for quality, not quantity, as was more common when we were younger.’

Why settle for one primary relationship?

Kimmel also believes gay men want to take advantage of enjoying greater variety in their sex life – in experiences and partners. Some men simply don’t feel the need to choose one partner only.

‘A lot of older gay men don’t want life partners.

‘They are content with their friendship networks and their friends with benefits, and commitment to one man doesn’t seem appealing. I certainly see that in my client and friendship circles.

On a controversial but upbeat note, he suggests the higher rates of singledom shows gay men are not so wedded (pun intended) to the traditional concept of partnership.

‘Many queer men don’t want to be in a relationship, especially a committed, monogamous one, like marriage. Monogamy is seen by many as a heterosexist institution, one that many of us do not want to emulate.

‘Many gay men want to create something different and better than heterosexual models of partnership and marriage … and we are!’

 

 

 

[Traveler3032]

Good read. Yes, the easy availability of sex, and the easy way of living alone are the main reasons. Most men like to have sex with someone who is more attractive than themselves. It's possible to do so in a casual sex-on-premise place, but difficult to find such a partner to live together. 

[abang]

The older I get more social-phobic.

I am afraid of rejections and having to "submit" to someone despite our differences.

 

Older people tend to live a less active lifestyle so don't expect a 6-packs.

Older people tend to develop certain preferences/likes in their lives.

Older people tend to have MANY bad habits in the eyes of others.

For example, refusing to do shopping at Orchard/Bugis anymore.

 

Older people tend to acquire some savings but we are too frugal.

I take public transport, eat at food stalls, minimize my grocery and utilities bill.

The credit card is hardly used unless it is for payment for home internet.

Even for mobile phones, I use a prepaid card.

I have hardly any use of Mobile data as I seldom use them.

 

No marriage, no children - I would have done that 30 years ago when the trend was there.

I remembered my younger brother recovered 2x his expenses at the wedding banquet.

I could get some silly bimbos, impregnated her and divorced her within 2 years.

However, I chose to remain gay and single.

 

My straight brother envied me for taking overseas trips twice yearly.

He had to worry about his children's milk money, education funds and health.

 

曲终人散回头一瞥， 也只能”沧海一声笑“

 

 

 

[lonelyglobe]

there are even more reasons that the article did not address:

1.) looks - honestly how many above 45 and still can maintain the type of CD look? like it or not, look is definitely one of the crucial factor for consideration for many

2.) body - again how many can maintain those killer bod by CD? gym fit is the basic but muscular will be preferred (not all are like that but perhaps majority?)

3.) age - 20s are looking for 20s (understandable), 30s also looking for 20s (try to understand) but 40s still looking for 20s (difficult to understand)

4.) race - while the multi-racial marriages are increasing but this is not the case when it come to gay relationship, most want the same race

5.) admit it, most of us are 喜新厌旧, even if we manage to find someone but after a while when boredom set in, we will go and find someone new again and like what the article suggest.

6.) last but not least, after single for 45 years for example, it might be even more difficult for one to trying to adapt to the lifestyle of two

 

[GachiMuchi]

2 hours ago, lonelyglobe said:

there are even more reasons that the article did not address:

1.) looks - honestly how many above 45 and still can maintain the type of CD look? like it or not, look is definitely one of the crucial factor for consideration for many

2.) body - again how many can maintain those killer bod by CD? gym fit is the basic but muscular will be preferred (not all are like that but perhaps majority?)

3.) age - 20s are looking for 20s (understandable), 30s also looking for 20s (try to understand) but 40s still looking for 20s (difficult to understand)

4.) race - while the multi-racial marriages are increasing but this is not the case when it come to gay relationship, most want the same race

5.) admit it, most of us are 喜新厌旧, even if we manage to find someone but after a while when boredom set in, we will go and find someone new again and like what the article suggest.

6.) last but not least, after single for 45 years for example, it might be even more difficult for one to trying to adapt to the lifestyle of two

 

 

1. I am sure you are not an uncle lover; which to you, looks is very important for your selection. Looks is subjective, what you don't like does not means others won't like. CD is not the best looking, in my opinion. One man's meat is another man's poison.
2. There you go again. You like gym fit with "killer bod" but not everyone will like such bod. Some people don't mind slim and some even prefers chubs, etc.
3. Another of your narrow views. What you don't understand does not means that it won't happen.  Love have no age barrier.
4. Love have no race barrier either.

5. I am sure you are speaking about yourself. Please don't generalise for everyone. 不要"一只竹竿打倒全船人". Not everyone is like you.
6. It seems you are speaking for yourself. I am sure you are single and alone, but as long as you are happy, that is your choice. If not, then you may have some issues to iron out.
 

[lonelyglobe]

Thanks for taking time to reply, there are people who are practical and there are people who love to be in their dreams, as long as u r happy, nothing right or wrong when relationship are concerned, cheers and peace forever.

[auscent]

Maybe nowadays

...ppl are more independent can cook, clean lessen need to depend on a partner

...more leisure options like cheap travelling no longer need to focus on 1 partner

...work longer hours in new economy lesser resources to invest in a relationship

...more chances for higher self awareness like reading so less neef to rely on a partner for intellectual stimulation

...lesser face to face socialisation chances giving us worse social skills

 

As society changes, no of singles may naturally rise. I wonder if this article is that relevant to us nowadays. 

[lonelyglobe]

yap, society have changed and perception have changed as well, back in the 80s 90s, when u say u are single, people will give u a  weird look, in their mind they will think u must be someone difficult to hangout with, u must have some personal problems or faults in your character but nowadays it is cool to be single and is a preferred lifestyle for some, not just gay man but single straight man are also on the rise.

[ouat1972]

Very insightful article. 

I like this part particularly :  

On 27 July, 2018 at 3:01 PM, GachiMuchi said:

‘Many gay men want to create something different and better than heterosexual models of partnership and marriage … and we are!’

 

[thorzguy]

When one is 45 and beyond. one may not so readily accept someone into their life. I mean, by then, most would have kind of "settled in" into their own lifestyle. To have another person appearing/complimenting/disturbing.....definitely not an easy task. 

Of course, FWB. How many truly care about a proper relationship? 

Lastly - Jaded. I think that spells all. 

[abang]

After 45, my willingness to know someone afresh diminished drastically.

It is like a supply-demand curve - no supply, how to have demand.

 

Sex was no longer a priority but after 2 dinner dates, that initial euphoria vanished as I knew he simply ain't that someone.

I'm not talking about LTR but that excitement for at least a 6-month relationship just was NOT there.

I knew I'm not an easy person to hold on to a relationship but friendship, yes.

I still receive that occasional messages from them during festive seasons.

 

**

Looks and wealth isn't everything but without minimal norms, do I really bother?

For those who appreciate soothing love songs, I have two overly-used recommendations.

Sorry, I don't listen to the current pops as my FM radio is set at BBC, 89.3 only.

 

重复介绍两首听了很多年的老歌。

我还是不时拿出来给自己心灵洗涤。

1.   黄小琥的成人情歌最贴切。

 

 

 

2. 十年的粤语原曲

 

[barocco80]

Not 45 yet but this article served as a good reminder... and appreciate the sharing by fellow members

[LeanMature]

10 hours ago, thorzguy said:

When one is 45 and beyond. one may not so readily accept someone into their life. I mean, by then, most would have kind of "settled in" into their own lifestyle. To have another person appearing/complimenting/disturbing.....definitely not an easy task. 

Of course, FWB. How many truly care about a proper relationship? 

Lastly - Jaded. I think that spells all. 

 

Yah, because one has already get use to being single, unless a nice looking young guy comes along.  But then, you will start thinking he is just after your money.    

[doncoin]

Regardless of marital or relationship status, the most important thing is to be happy. Being attached does not always mean happiness. I know of couples who have been together for a while but are miserable, and single men who are happy. 

[Guest Cheong]

I am experiencing all that even just at 30 years old.

 

I guess I just give up finding after being let down for many times.

 

 

[thorzguy]

18 hours ago, LeanMature said:

 

Yah, because one has already get use to being single, unless a nice looking young guy comes along.  But then, you will start thinking he is just after your money.    

Assuming both are financially very stable. It takes time to be in a relationship and lots of compromises / understanding /  commitment etc....

When one is 45 or beyond (or maybe even younger), one may not be able to "accept" all these changes. 

14 hours ago, doncoin said:

Regardless of marital or relationship status, the most important thing is to be happy. Being attached does not always mean happiness. I know of couples who have been together for a while but are miserable, and single men who are happy. 

It is very true. I have a friend who had a boyfriend for almost 9 years, but both been sleeping behind each other back for more than 7 years. Ended up -  his bf just decided to call it quits  one day/ My friend suffered and slipped into depression... Sad, isn't it? 

 

 

[Guest Worry]

https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/more-than-1-in-3-suicides-committed-by-elderly-as-singapore-population-ages

 

Wonder if any of the victims were gay men. Gay men are so vulnerable and most are luck-less in finding stable relationships in latter years. Think other than focusing on finding the other half, it's more important to maintain good support & close relationships with a group of good pals to stay sane in later years.

[mate69]

5 minutes ago, Guest Worry said:

https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/more-than-1-in-3-suicides-committed-by-elderly-as-singapore-population-ages

 

Wonder if any of the victims were gay men. Gay men are so vulnerable and most are luck-less in finding stable relationships in latter years. Think other than focusing on finding the other half, it's more important to maintain good support & close relationships with a group of good pals to stay sane in later years.

indeed. thts impt.

[Guest ASKMENOW]

I noticed in Singapore it is tougher to find love compared to other country irregardless of age. There are too many things to consider here before u find a love in gay community, you need pass this req RACE, STATUS, LOOKS, BODY, HEIGHT and  ACCENT (it is true, i know it is shallow).  If you are a foreigner at least be ang moh or be from the first world asian country then it is easier to find love, if not then forget about it. Sometimes i noticed some people here are just after the physical things they want from a person, race, status etc and not because they really love the person, it is more on like negotiation on what they want. 

[lonelyglobe]

not only single man but especially those who have lost their spouse, neglected by children etc...is going to be so disheartening to find out after spending so much time and effort in bringing up the kids and then they don't care about u now....likewise imagine someone is with you for 40, 50 years then suddenly u r left alone in this world, the pain is going to be unimaginable + if they have not much saving and in poor health, then they may feel life is meaningless to continue

[abang]

我独身， 但我未必孤独。

少有朋友接触也是我个人选择。

 

每隔两三天， 等天微亮时， 下楼吃个米粉＋菜。 再来杯浓浓的“kopi-O“。

闲逛周边商店/市场有没有新鲜水果卖。。。

顺便打包无添加防腐剂的无糖豆花脑和豆花水。

 

回家后， 先冲个水 - 把路上的尘埃洗去。

我跟你说， 光上身+一条超级迷你的短裤的心情是最舒服的。

慢条斯理的坐下来， 看看互联网的新闻 - 看看那个美国佬又有什么新花样， 习董又想买哪个国家！

人生无伴。。。 还有Youtube。。学学滑蛋的做法也无妨！

 

 

[Guest Looking]

Most of the good ones are already taken by 45.

I'm almost 60 and after a failed long relationship, I've been looking for more than 5 years. I always put it very clearly in my profiles that I'm looking for LTR on gay apps and not sex, we can start with being friends.

 

But so far after all these years, all I ever got are

1. MBs thinking that all uncles are desperate.

2. Uncle chasers- again thinking that all uncles are desperate.

3. Gold diggers- asking questions about how much money I have and lose interest when finding I'm poor.

4. Sex, sex, sex types- they don't bother to read any profiles. They have standard questions send to everybody

"Looking for?"

"You got place?"

"Top or bottom?"

Since the gay apps have plenty of these types, they do get sex in this direct and "no time waster" way of hooking up with each other. The rest of us are just time wasters, they say we should not be in these apps.

 

5. The persistent stalkers- these will "hi, hello" every other day hooking to be lucky.

 

So far, when I try to engage some in conversations, they lose interest quickly when it's clear that I'm not looking for sex. Even those who claim to look for chats. Those uncles of similar age are looking for younger ones.

 

Yes, now I'm almost resigned to being alone. 

 

 

[LeanMature]

Everything will change once 377A is repealed.  You can't change partner like changing underwear.

[Guest Tomato]

4 hours ago, Guest ASKMENOW said:

I noticed in Singapore it is tougher to find love compared to other country irregardless of age. There are too many things to consider here before u find a love in gay community, you need pass this req RACE, STATUS, LOOKS, BODY, HEIGHT and  ACCENT (it is true, i know it is shallow).  If you are a foreigner at least be ang moh or be from the first world asian country then it is easier to find love, if not then forget about it. Sometimes i noticed some people here are just after the physical things they want from a person, race, status etc and not because they really love the person, it is more on like negotiation on what they want. 

 

This is simply because Singaporeans are brought up exposed to tangibles, and the need for them at the expense of everything; and not knowing what humanities are all about.

It is pointless to change the situation if one does not even understand this fact.

Singaporeans only want to receive and very few want to give.  

 

As it is, to be born and bred in the prosperous Singapore (not knowing how to feel and love) is really a curse.

[EQUINOXx]

And this is why I vow to get married no matter what.

 

I dont want to be that lonely 50 year old uncle on grindr trying to look for a bf

 

I'll do whatever in my power to make sure that won't be me 

[gsky]

On 7/30/2018 at 6:25 PM, Guest Looking said:

Most of the good ones are already taken by 45.

I'm almost 60 and after a failed long relationship, I've been looking for more than 5 years. I always put it very clearly in my profiles that I'm looking for LTR on gay apps and not sex, we can start with being friends.

 

But so far after all these years, all I ever got are

1. MBs thinking that all uncles are desperate.

2. Uncle chasers- again thinking that all uncles are desperate.

3. Gold diggers- asking questions about how much money I have and lose interest when finding I'm poor.

4. Sex, sex, sex types- they don't bother to read any profiles. They have standard questions send to everybody     

.......

So far, when I try to engage some in conversations, they lose interest quickly when it's clear that I'm not looking for sex. Even those who claim to look for chats. Those uncles of similar age are looking for younger ones.

 

Yes, now I'm almost resigned to being alone. 

 

 

 

Its the environment for gays in this part of the globe and the  Sg G is not helping the situation for lonely gay elderly. 

Consider yourself lucky that you are not even 60 and have the experience of a long-term relation before.  I was busy working and spend all my spare time helping a religious org until decide to come out as gay at the age of 47. Never had a relationship and not looking for one, its too troublesome for people over 50. 

I manage to make myself happy and contended everyday. One can be single and still be happy, its a state of mind.  

Hopefully the younger middle age gays being more educated and have more resources could band together to improve their lots.  My generation has too much fear of the G to do anything ,they have been badly bruised and intimidated.

Think better time ahead for those middle-age turning old, be assertive to make your own life better than the previous gay generation. 

Dont end up as a suicide case, nobody owe you a living.

Edited August 1, 2018 by gsky

[LeanMature]

After 50, you need to find a companion, no longer partner or boyfriend. 

[tyan]

On 7/30/2018 at 6:25 PM, Guest Looking said:

Most of the good ones are already taken by 45.

I'm almost 60 and after a failed long relationship, I've been looking for more than 5 years. I always put it very clearly in my profiles that I'm looking for LTR on gay apps and not sex, we can start with being friends.

 

But so far after all these years, all I ever got are

1. MBs thinking that all uncles are desperate.

2. Uncle chasers- again thinking that all uncles are desperate.

3. Gold diggers- asking questions about how much money I have and lose interest when finding I'm poor.

4. Sex, sex, sex types- they don't bother to read any profiles. They have standard questions send to everybody

"Looking for?"

"You got place?"

"Top or bottom?"

Since the gay apps have plenty of these types, they do get sex in this direct and "no time waster" way of hooking up with each other. The rest of us are just time wasters, they say we should not be in these apps.

 

5. The persistent stalkers- these will "hi, hello" every other day hooking to be lucky.

 

So far, when I try to engage some in conversations, they lose interest quickly when it's clear that I'm not looking for sex. Even those who claim to look for chats. Those uncles of similar age are looking for younger ones.

 

Yes, now I'm almost resigned to being alone. 

 

 

Maybe it is only becos u have not encounter the right one. Or perhaps some people need more time. Over the years, I also have the fair share of guys asking me if I will consider going into LRT with them. Seriously not becos it does not cross my mind but in order for me to go into a relationship, I must be very very certain. So I really need to communicate, get-together and understand each other more before I commit. However most guys do not have the patience. They just want to quickly get attached. 

[Ironrod]

After reading all the posting.....i feel blessed @ 45

 

Thanks guys, for letting me know i have a good gay life.

[Guest Wattdefart]

This topic seemed to suggest that gay men over 45 yrs old and single are all doomed and gloomed? 

[Guest Looking]

7 hours ago, tyan said:

Maybe it is only becos u have not encounter the right one. Or perhaps some people need more time. Over the years, I also have the fair share of guys asking me if I will consider going into LRT with them. Seriously not becos it does not cross my mind but in order for me to go into a relationship, I must be very very certain. So I really need to communicate, get-together and understand each other more before I commit. However most guys do not have the patience. They just want to quickly get attached. 

I'm not desperate to quickly get attached. That's why I initiated sometimes to chat first.

At my age, I'm still fit and not shy to say I'm better looking than most. Maybe that's why I tend to attract those looking for sex. 

I'm in no hurry so I'm going on with my own life and que sera sera :)

[LeanMature]

14 hours ago, Guest Looking said:

I'm not desperate to quickly get attached. That's why I initiated sometimes to chat first.

At my age, I'm still fit and not shy to say I'm better looking than most. Maybe that's why I tend to attract those looking for sex. 

I'm in no hurry so I'm going on with my own life and que sera sera :)

 

Since you are still fit and considered yourself better looking than most others of your age (not sure how old), that's the reason why you think you are not desperate to get attached.  But you better be in a hurry, as time will destroy everything no matter how hard you tried to preserve yourself physically.  

[Guest Blank]

Don't need 45yo to be more likely to stay single. Some of my friends single when I know them since 23yo, now 30yo still never had a bf in their life. They expect too much, face/body don't look presentable and basically not good bf material. Sometimes, I see those 40yo also more appealing though their face have signs of fatigue and some fine wrinkles. 

[Guest Rattaporn]

No wonder my friend is feeling hopeless already.

[Guest 40 years old]

I had just recently reached the 40 years old mile stone.

 

Overall I feel I am still more or less the same physically and mentally like I am still in my 30s... 

 

But some how slowly a uneasy feeling have seep into me.... I don't know why... 

 

A mid life crisis in the making??

 

I wonder what will be in store for me in terms of health, sex, relationships, career and my mental well being?

 

Anyone who are in their 40s or have pass their 40s care to share anything to look out or be careful with?

 

Thank you!! 😋✌🏼

[Steve5380]

50 minutes ago, Guest 40 years old said:

 

Overall I feel I am still more or less the same physically and mentally like I am still in my 30s... 

 

 

Don't sabotage this feeling by falling for the false negativity that at 40 you are past your prime and into fast decline.

 

Instead, realize that if at 40 you feel exactly the same as at 30, you must be doing something good, or NOT doing something bad. 

Then, further realize that with some effort and discipline you can cultivate a lifestyle that will keep you feeling like 30 at 50 and 60.  And if you succeed with this healthy lifestyle, meaning healthy nutrition and adequate resistance and aerobic exercise to stay strong and not obese,  you may arrive at 70 feeling no major change.  Perhaps your looks will not remain the same at 70 like they were at 30,  but you can do something about this for more or less cost and with reasonable expectations.  It is smart to fight any resignation that you are getting too old and not good enough for this-and-that.  With reasonable limits, of course.

 

Mid life crisis?  Yes, we can become unhappy and negative in our 40s and 50s thinking that we haven't attained earlier goals and thinking that we are running out of time.  But this can improve at mid life and into early old age as we change our mind about such earlier goals and,  if we stay healthy, we feel that we have still plenty of time ahead.

[Guest laogay]

30 years old had numerous casual sex. Then once reached 40 where one youth and energy has dwindled, and scary fact strike their reality that they are no longer marketable in grindr/sauna, give themselves excuse to settle down with long term relationship.

 

[tinkymale]

Unless you have a good look and killing body, else going into 40s would meant lesser attention from the guys. Sad but true. Then again, try to take it easy, it’s the guy lost if they are just looking at physical attraction and age. Cos I’m sure you are better in your inner self.

[mate69]

Health is No 1

[lonelyglobe]

52 minutes ago, Guest laogay said:

30 years old had numerous casual sex. Then once reached 40 where one youth and energy has dwindled, and scary fact strike their reality that they are no longer marketable in grindr/sauna, give themselves excuse to settle down with long term relationship.

 

Not true,  if 40 can still look like 30s with a reasonable face and bod, still have market in sauna. On the other hand,  how mnay actually get into relationship after 40? One,  it will be difficult and two,  after so many years as a single, u r "immuned".

 

 

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, Guest laogay said:

30 years old had numerous casual sex. Then once reached 40 where one youth and energy has dwindled, and scary fact strike their reality that they are no longer marketable in grindr/sauna, give themselves excuse to settle down with long term relationship.

 

 

This is the kind of false negativity I was referring to earlier.   Why should your energy dwindle at 40?   It is estimated that we are biologically built to last until 120.  So our energy should be fine at 40... unless we let it decay.  And "young"?  For a little child at 40 you are old, and for an old man you are young. .  Marketable?  It depends on your attitude.  If you are a statue that wants others to come to you,  then at 40 you have little chance.  But if you actively take the initiative, you can remain very marketable.

 

1 hour ago, tinkymale said:

Unless you have a good look and killing body, else going into 40s would meant lesser attention from the guys. Sad but true. Then again, try to take it easy, it’s the guy lost if they are just looking at physical attraction and age. Cos I’m sure you are better in your inner self.

 

You don't need to look good with a killing body to start with.  You can have a better body and look more handsome at 40 than at 20 or 30,  depending on what you do. And this doing should NOT be to take it easy. The "inner self" can improve with age, but this is about the outer self, and you can keep looking at physical attraction as you age. You can start a relationship at 40, at 50 and be successful at this.

[Guest Guest]

3 hours ago, tinkymale said:

Unless you have a good look and killing body, else going into 40s would meant lesser attention from the guys. Sad but true. Then again, try to take it easy, it’s the guy lost if they are just looking at physical attraction and age. Cos I’m sure you are better in your inner self.

40s will still have good demand if you are hot and in good shape. Some guys like daddy type.

 

It’s really 50 onwards where your demand will just plunge. Then again in 50s, your life should be more than just hooking up and looking for sex.

[p2468]

Is just a number. Just be yourself and age gracefully physically,and spiritually and mentally.

Stay healthy.

Edited April 18, 2021 by p2468

[Guest Still long Journey]

5 hours ago, Guest 40 years old said:

I

Anyone who are in their 40s or have pass their 40s care to share anything to look out or be careful with?

 

Thank you!! 😋✌🏼

Don't worry, you are still far from being cancelled completely, unlike those in their 70 and beyond?

[GavOsk]

Life is beautiful at every age if you’re willing to embrace the change it brings, it’s like living though multiple episodes that complete the blockbuster series of your life, keep streaming through the ups and downs and aim to leave back a legacy for others to watch and learn from ... best wishes 

Edited April 18, 2021 by GavOsk

[Guest Poms]

31 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

40s will still have good demand if you are hot and in good shape. Some guys like daddy type.

 

It’s really 50 onwards where your demand will just plunge. Then again in 50s, your life should be more than just hooking up and looking for sex.

Spot on..tcj is one of the examples..I just like daddies..he turns me on with his cute and daddy naughty smiles and face 

[Twink7inchbedok_east]

Ive never thought about this 

[wilfgene]

7 minutes ago, Twink7inchbedok_east said:

Ive never thought about this 

Just keep in mind, all your injuries from the past will recur or catch up with you.

Physical or otherwise.

[robin]

As long as you are not obsessed with trying to look younger than your age and/or counting how many guys are attracted to you, you will be fine

[Expired Btm Uncle]

12 hours ago, Guest 40 years old said:

I had just recently reached the 40 years old mile stone.

 

Overall I feel I am still more or less the same physically and mentally like I am still in my 30s... 

 

But some how slowly a uneasy feeling have seep into me.... I don't know why... 

 

A mid life crisis in the making??

 

I wonder what will be in store for me in terms of health, sex, relationships, career and my mental well being?

 

Anyone who are in their 40s or have pass their 40s care to share anything to look out or be careful with?

 

Thank you!! 😋✌🏼

Just be yourself and maintain a positive outlook. Age gracefully. There are things that we can't control e.g decreasing market value in Grindr or sauna. learn to accept more rejections without getting depressed.