Confession of a 'broken' guy

[Doorbell]

Hi everyone,

 

I guess I am just ranting and hopefully get some constructive feedback and perspective from the fellow members here.

 

Just to share my side of story, I recently have been binge-dating with different guys because of some personal issues. I want to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group. But my intentions weren't solely on that, I welcome all the side fun and whatever that comes along I guess.

 

There was this bi guy who I felt quite connected to because he was able to respond and carry on discussions about all my odd topics that I threw on him, so it instantly became a good start and I took a liking on him. Nothing serious and I thought it was a good match to connect because he only started exploring his bisexuality and I thought I could be a good friend/brother for moral support. Fast forward and we agreed to go on our first date, the day before I got quite annoyed cause I had to put in the efforts to travel and his vibe was a bit off-putting to me. Anyway, I decided to go to meet him, we grabbed a drink and we talked, felt a bit like a friend catch up, although I thought the date was quite sucky and he seemed disinterested to have a second round for fun or whatever, I offered to grab dinner but he declined and gave the impression he needed to go home. So feeling that there is no second date, I texted him and told him honestly about my feelings in the hope you can take away some pointers to meet his subsequent dates. To my surprise, he thought the meet up went well (according to his definition if he still wants to meet up for a second time then it means it went well) and I found out that we would have brought me home to play if I had indicated so. To him, I did not give him any signal to proceed, so that felt a bit like opportunity wasted for me and makes me wanna meet him sooner for the next date to make up the missed out parts.

 

Then we chatted and texted each other quite regularly and shared our own experiences with other dates. I kinda developed a crush on another date of mine and him too on his other date, so we became a bit more like friends than fun buddies. But I told him I still wanted to have fun with him and tried to keep the chat a bit light and dirty as well, and my progress with my crush did not go well because I felt like I was being toyed (my crush would ghost on me and come find me whenever he wants). Meanwhile, he actually played with his crush but it ended also badly because his crush blocked him afterwards.

 

Then he tried to avoid me by postponing our second date to June, I was not aware that he actually felt pressured and that our lines and boundaries became very blurry. Every now and then he told me he had like last minute fun and would schedule to fun with someone, it made me feel a bit not valued because I expected him to prioritize me in the fun queue. So I told him about my feelings (I feel we were quite honest with each other) and my side of story. I got very upset and felt annoyed and then he wrote me a letter to apologise and reflected on his 'mistakes'. He said he can't express well via chat so he promised to call that night but in the end he said he went back to parents' and couldn't call, I felt a bit annoyed. The logical sense of me is like wtf did he actually reflect if he plans to do sth that will annoy people, and what's the value in the apologies and how sincere is me. Anyway, he maybe sensed that I was quite upset and he said he could go to the balcony and do a short call, but I feel I don't want him to accidentally come out and reveal his sexuality so I told him to schedule the call the next night. Again, he said he has badminton session and wants to schedule the call to 11.45. I told him I am tired by that time but I would make the effort to take the nap beforehand to take that call since it's bugging me more than him.

 

Then, the night came he never replied me and did not answer my call. The first thought was he was busy and maybe something was wrong and I was a bit worried, but then I quickly realised I probably thought too much and felt disgusted by his actions. It turns out he had a last minute date with another guy that was spontaneous and he was busy the whole night losing his virginity and getting his ass fucked by him. So the next morning I asked him and he did eventually give me a call and told me the whole story. Naturally, I felt hurt and upset and bitter because I have only been nice and sincere and felt so taken advantage of emotionally. I told him my side of story and said I wanted to have that fun with him but he said he wants to be friends only because I put too much pressure on him and he wants to have a clearer boundary. Anyway, I was upset but eventually agreed that we should cool down and really meet in June but not for fun, more for dinner and discuss if we can be friends or support system to each other. I told him the way he treats me makes me feel worthless and so disposable, it's so not cool. He acknowledged that and politely asked me not to feel that way cause it is not my fault.

 

I find it quite stupid from my end though. He was not my crush out of all my dates but definitely the one I feel most emotionally attached to. I know I can be too sensitive and persistent and that can take out the fun element and put pressure on people, but I felt it's so damaging to my self-esteem. After speaking to him, I am not sure whether I actually like him or I am just obsessed with the fact that I missed the chance to actually have fun with him and I want to make up for that. I feel like this kind of people sometimes are quite shameless, they don't know what they want and they have tons of excuse to do hurtful things, as if they never realise they lack basic human decency and respect. He said he believes in karma, but he certainly doesn't not live his life with that principle. I don't believe in karma but the evil side of me is thinking, if karma does exist, then I hope it will be his bitch. The audacity of him promising to give me a call and then ditching me, waiting like an idiot, and still shamelessly acting as if nothing happens, that amazes me quite a bit. Perhaps my impression of him being a nice and sincere guy was wrong, it was blinded by my connection towards him and the fact that I miss out the chance to have fun with him.

 

Then, I basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back but I don't think it bugs him at all. So it feels quite silly from my end, as if I am creating the drama myself and playing a role in it, in the end I was the one getting hurt and affected, and he still stands from the moral high hill and said it's his fault bla bla bla but clearly it did not upset him much. I am pretty naive and gullible I feel, I feel like I did have a certain trust and expectations with him but he repays me with these actions that feel like he is toying me around.

 

Do you guys think it is a good thing to meet him in June when we both kinda cool down a bit? I hate that feeling that I feel like I can't trust his words anymore because of what he did to me. It's like when he says sorry it does not carry the meaning to my ears and when he says sth nice, I would second guess his words. It's such a stark contrast during the first week of chatting because I felt like I connected with someone that I liked and could hopefully trust to be a supportive buddy. Just hope to hear from you guys, whether positive or negative though.

 

P.S I even asked his consent if I could share this here (I think I am quite considerate) but I told him try not to read it. If he does, he said he will let me know. I most likely will delete this thread if he reads it, I don't want to create more drama cause I'm doing this for myself, not for him.

[Steve5380]

You are losing so much energy with your acquaintances and dedication to a "social life"! 

.

 

Edited April 21, 2022 by Steve5380

[doncoin]

If a guy is interested, he is interested and will want to spend the time to get to know you better. If he is being wishy washy about the whole thing, move on and stop wasting your time. 

[IkuTube]

You started your post mentioning that you are going through 'some personal issues'.  When you are drowning with personal issues, it is not a good thing to sweep them under the carpet and to move on as though they never exist.  You need to address them before life can go on smoothly.  Else, history repeats itself.

 

Everything there is in life has two sides of a story.  While I feel how you feel, I feel the consequences that happen in life have to do with the clarity of intentions.  These consequences, unfortunately, are domino effects from not taking full responsibility of one's actions but shifting the blame to someone else or something else.

Reading your post, I keep having the feeling that you are easily annoyed.  When you take responsibility of your action, you will not be disappointed.  Your annoyance comes from your expectation.  When this expectation is not met, you reacted rather negatively.  When you 'basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back' is good example where you reacted negatively to shift the blame on him.

Perhaps you are not expressing the right thing to him.  Perhaps you are not even sure of what you want (the clarity of intention).  When these two are added, it is hard to make things right.

 

Live in the moment and enjoy what is there without judging it or expecting more.  Friendship starts with open mind and good friendship ends with respect and love.  When you 'can't trust his words anymore', do you think your mind can have that energy to trust him 'to be a supportive buddy'?

 

Be a happy doorbell and let the buzzer only brings you to the right place where you are able 'to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group'. 

 

 

[30yochinese]

On 4/21/2022 at 10:13 PM, Doorbell said:

Hi annoyed. The logical sense of me is like wtf did he actually reflect if he plans to do sth that will annoy people, and what's the value in the apologies and how sincere is me.

Hi,

I recently dated a guy,

17 to 31st March,

I...like u...can write an essay on>

 

What's it like being in love...

 

Now that we have broke up, its gonna be a new title>

 

How F***Ed up dating Guys can be.

 

I realized:

2 Guys coming together is alot of Trial & Error, so whatever u gone thru, is gd food for thought, U agree?

                                   

*I will be absent from this Forum from Today to 21-5-22.

Edited April 21, 2022 by 30yochinese
.

[Guest Move on]

Just move on. 

 

Your post so detailed means you keep playing it in your head. 

 

Its unhealthy. 

[Guest Sigh]

On 4/21/2022 at 11:17 PM, doncoin said:

If a guy is interested, he is interested and will want to spend the time to get to know you better. If he is being wishy washy about the whole thing, move on and stop wasting your time. 

Seconded. People make time for the things that are important to them; simple truth. 

[Ironrod]

After reading the whole crap, i feel wtf. Get a life. You definitely turn him off by being needy when he is technically not even a friend.

 

Go to gym or something and block the person, simo June siao.

[ChFitBbBtm]

You should show yourself a little more self respect. Our time is limited and precious enough. Go spend your thoughts and attention on something/someone else more deserving.

[practease]

Rupaul's most famous line, "If you can't love yourself how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?", speaks volumes here.

Give yourself the due respect YOU deserve. Stop making undeserving people the priority. Stop giving them the power to your supposed happiness.

You are your own master, your life is yours to control -not by others.

Be happy in your own terms, reign your reins.

Be positive, and block out all the negativity.

[auscent]

Not coming on too strongly is an attractive feature of a date.

[earth_tone]

On 4/21/2022 at 10:13 PM, Doorbell said:

.... I know I can be too sensitive and persistent and that can take out the fun element and put pressure on people...

I have been there myself many times. Before, I used to need proper closure even for dates, be it sex at least once or it aren't over til I think it is over kind of mentality. Unknowingly, all your expectations will add up and make the experience very unbearable. Think about it, if you're meeting someone who becomes too needy won't you immediately identify a flying red flag?  I may never even want to see him again. You should chill and take it easy. If he is keen, he wouldn't have kept on pushing you back.

[caindukker]

You see... He actually told you that he just wants to be friends. But that's not what you want. And he also said that he felt pressured. So you're actually forcing something he does not want on him. Obviously you both want something different.  So I'd advice you to move on to someone else. 

 

Some replies here pointed out that you are needy. I think you are needy too. I don't think being needy is exactly a bad thing. But think about how you're suffocating the person you love. I understand needy because I am one. In every new relationship I'm in, I will be needy for 1 to 2 years, and after that, I'll stop and don't even give a damn. And that's when they ask me, 'do you still love me? Why aren't you worried anymore? Do you care less?' haha... 

 

So what I always do in a relationship is to tell them about this in the beginning. I know I'm needy and obsessive, give me a year, you'll wish I was still obsessed with you. Muahaha... But of course, I always tell myself to try as hard as possible to not kill the person I love my suffocating them with my constant worrying, need of attention and jealousy. If you love someone, you don't want them sad. ☺️

[Guest Not interested]

On 4/21/2022 at 10:13 PM, Doorbell said:

Hi everyone,

 

I guess I am just ranting and hopefully get some constructive feedback and perspective from the fellow members here.

 

Just to share my side of story, I recently have been binge-dating with different guys because of some personal issues. I want to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group. But my intentions weren't solely on that, I welcome all the side fun and whatever that comes along I guess.

 

There was this bi guy who I felt quite connected to because he was able to respond and carry on discussions about all my odd topics that I threw on him, so it instantly became a good start and I took a liking on him. Nothing serious and I thought it was a good match to connect because he only started exploring his bisexuality and I thought I could be a good friend/brother for moral support. Fast forward and we agreed to go on our first date, the day before I got quite annoyed cause I had to put in the efforts to travel and his vibe was a bit off-putting to me. Anyway, I decided to go to meet him, we grabbed a drink and we talked, felt a bit like a friend catch up, although I thought the date was quite sucky and he seemed disinterested to have a second round for fun or whatever, I offered to grab dinner but he declined and gave the impression he needed to go home. So feeling that there is no second date, I texted him and told him honestly about my feelings in the hope you can take away some pointers to meet his subsequent dates. To my surprise, he thought the meet up went well (according to his definition if he still wants to meet up for a second time then it means it went well) and I found out that we would have brought me home to play if I had indicated so. To him, I did not give him any signal to proceed, so that felt a bit like opportunity wasted for me and makes me wanna meet him sooner for the next date to make up the missed out parts.

 

Then we chatted and texted each other quite regularly and shared our own experiences with other dates. I kinda developed a crush on another date of mine and him too on his other date, so we became a bit more like friends than fun buddies. But I told him I still wanted to have fun with him and tried to keep the chat a bit light and dirty as well, and my progress with my crush did not go well because I felt like I was being toyed (my crush would ghost on me and come find me whenever he wants). Meanwhile, he actually played with his crush but it ended also badly because his crush blocked him afterwards.

 

Then he tried to avoid me by postponing our second date to June, I was not aware that he actually felt pressured and that our lines and boundaries became very blurry. Every now and then he told me he had like last minute fun and would schedule to fun with someone, it made me feel a bit not valued because I expected him to prioritize me in the fun queue. So I told him about my feelings (I feel we were quite honest with each other) and my side of story. I got very upset and felt annoyed and then he wrote me a letter to apologise and reflected on his 'mistakes'. He said he can't express well via chat so he promised to call that night but in the end he said he went back to parents' and couldn't call, I felt a bit annoyed. The logical sense of me is like wtf did he actually reflect if he plans to do sth that will annoy people, and what's the value in the apologies and how sincere is me. Anyway, he maybe sensed that I was quite upset and he said he could go to the balcony and do a short call, but I feel I don't want him to accidentally come out and reveal his sexuality so I told him to schedule the call the next night. Again, he said he has badminton session and wants to schedule the call to 11.45. I told him I am tired by that time but I would make the effort to take the nap beforehand to take that call since it's bugging me more than him.

 

Then, the night came he never replied me and did not answer my call. The first thought was he was busy and maybe something was wrong and I was a bit worried, but then I quickly realised I probably thought too much and felt disgusted by his actions. It turns out he had a last minute date with another guy that was spontaneous and he was busy the whole night losing his virginity and getting his ass fucked by him. So the next morning I asked him and he did eventually give me a call and told me the whole story. Naturally, I felt hurt and upset and bitter because I have only been nice and sincere and felt so taken advantage of emotionally. I told him my side of story and said I wanted to have that fun with him but he said he wants to be friends only because I put too much pressure on him and he wants to have a clearer boundary. Anyway, I was upset but eventually agreed that we should cool down and really meet in June but not for fun, more for dinner and discuss if we can be friends or support system to each other. I told him the way he treats me makes me feel worthless and so disposable, it's so not cool. He acknowledged that and politely asked me not to feel that way cause it is not my fault.

 

I find it quite stupid from my end though. He was not my crush out of all my dates but definitely the one I feel most emotionally attached to. I know I can be too sensitive and persistent and that can take out the fun element and put pressure on people, but I felt it's so damaging to my self-esteem. After speaking to him, I am not sure whether I actually like him or I am just obsessed with the fact that I missed the chance to actually have fun with him and I want to make up for that. I feel like this kind of people sometimes are quite shameless, they don't know what they want and they have tons of excuse to do hurtful things, as if they never realise they lack basic human decency and respect. He said he believes in karma, but he certainly doesn't not live his life with that principle. I don't believe in karma but the evil side of me is thinking, if karma does exist, then I hope it will be his bitch. The audacity of him promising to give me a call and then ditching me, waiting like an idiot, and still shamelessly acting as if nothing happens, that amazes me quite a bit. Perhaps my impression of him being a nice and sincere guy was wrong, it was blinded by my connection towards him and the fact that I miss out the chance to have fun with him.

 

Then, I basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back but I don't think it bugs him at all. So it feels quite silly from my end, as if I am creating the drama myself and playing a role in it, in the end I was the one getting hurt and affected, and he still stands from the moral high hill and said it's his fault bla bla bla but clearly it did not upset him much. I am pretty naive and gullible I feel, I feel like I did have a certain trust and expectations with him but he repays me with these actions that feel like he is toying me around.

 

Do you guys think it is a good thing to meet him in June when we both kinda cool down a bit? I hate that feeling that I feel like I can't trust his words anymore because of what he did to me. It's like when he says sorry it does not carry the meaning to my ears and when he says sth nice, I would second guess his words. It's such a stark contrast during the first week of chatting because I felt like I connected with someone that I liked and could hopefully trust to be a supportive buddy. Just hope to hear from you guys, whether positive or negative though.

 

P.S I even asked his consent if I could share this here (I think I am quite considerate) but I told him try not to read it. If he does, he said he will let me know. I most likely will delete this thread if he reads it, I don't want to create more drama cause I'm doing this for myself, not for him.

He’s just not into you! Stop bothering him!

[robin]

If you regard someone as a sex candidate, only two simple outcome : fuck or don’t

fuck.

 

Should not have any disturbing feelings, asking for prioritization, drama etc. Grow up

[yoyo74]

I also date a lot of people but for friends dating i do not expect them to prioritize fun on me. I like people to be honest with me so i never give anyone any pressure so they can tell me whatever they want without afraid of me getting angry. Do not expect prioritization and you can live more happily with him as a friend.

[gc0805]

u said it yourself.

u created all the drama yourself.

he's just not into u. move on.

[GachiMuchi]

On 4/21/2022 at 10:13 PM, Doorbell said:

Hi everyone,

 

I guess I am just ranting and hopefully get some constructive feedback and perspective from the fellow members here.

 

Just to share my side of story, I recently have been binge-dating with different guys because of some personal issues. I want to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group. But my intentions weren't solely on that, I welcome all the side fun and whatever that comes along I guess.

 

There was this bi guy who I felt quite connected to because he was able to respond and carry on discussions about all my odd topics that I threw on him, so it instantly became a good start and I took a liking on him. Nothing serious and I thought it was a good match to connect because he only started exploring his bisexuality and I thought I could be a good friend/brother for moral support. Fast forward and we agreed to go on our first date, the day before I got quite annoyed cause I had to put in the efforts to travel and his vibe was a bit off-putting to me. Anyway, I decided to go to meet him, we grabbed a drink and we talked, felt a bit like a friend catch up, although I thought the date was quite sucky and he seemed disinterested to have a second round for fun or whatever, I offered to grab dinner but he declined and gave the impression he needed to go home. So feeling that there is no second date, I texted him and told him honestly about my feelings in the hope you can take away some pointers to meet his subsequent dates. To my surprise, he thought the meet up went well (according to his definition if he still wants to meet up for a second time then it means it went well) and I found out that we would have brought me home to play if I had indicated so. To him, I did not give him any signal to proceed, so that felt a bit like opportunity wasted for me and makes me wanna meet him sooner for the next date to make up the missed out parts.

 

Then we chatted and texted each other quite regularly and shared our own experiences with other dates. I kinda developed a crush on another date of mine and him too on his other date, so we became a bit more like friends than fun buddies. But I told him I still wanted to have fun with him and tried to keep the chat a bit light and dirty as well, and my progress with my crush did not go well because I felt like I was being toyed (my crush would ghost on me and come find me whenever he wants). Meanwhile, he actually played with his crush but it ended also badly because his crush blocked him afterwards.

 

Then he tried to avoid me by postponing our second date to June, I was not aware that he actually felt pressured and that our lines and boundaries became very blurry. Every now and then he told me he had like last minute fun and would schedule to fun with someone, it made me feel a bit not valued because I expected him to prioritize me in the fun queue. So I told him about my feelings (I feel we were quite honest with each other) and my side of story. I got very upset and felt annoyed and then he wrote me a letter to apologise and reflected on his 'mistakes'. He said he can't express well via chat so he promised to call that night but in the end he said he went back to parents' and couldn't call, I felt a bit annoyed. The logical sense of me is like wtf did he actually reflect if he plans to do sth that will annoy people, and what's the value in the apologies and how sincere is me. Anyway, he maybe sensed that I was quite upset and he said he could go to the balcony and do a short call, but I feel I don't want him to accidentally come out and reveal his sexuality so I told him to schedule the call the next night. Again, he said he has badminton session and wants to schedule the call to 11.45. I told him I am tired by that time but I would make the effort to take the nap beforehand to take that call since it's bugging me more than him.

 

Then, the night came he never replied me and did not answer my call. The first thought was he was busy and maybe something was wrong and I was a bit worried, but then I quickly realised I probably thought too much and felt disgusted by his actions. It turns out he had a last minute date with another guy that was spontaneous and he was busy the whole night losing his virginity and getting his ass fucked by him. So the next morning I asked him and he did eventually give me a call and told me the whole story. Naturally, I felt hurt and upset and bitter because I have only been nice and sincere and felt so taken advantage of emotionally. I told him my side of story and said I wanted to have that fun with him but he said he wants to be friends only because I put too much pressure on him and he wants to have a clearer boundary. Anyway, I was upset but eventually agreed that we should cool down and really meet in June but not for fun, more for dinner and discuss if we can be friends or support system to each other. I told him the way he treats me makes me feel worthless and so disposable, it's so not cool. He acknowledged that and politely asked me not to feel that way cause it is not my fault.

 

I find it quite stupid from my end though. He was not my crush out of all my dates but definitely the one I feel most emotionally attached to. I know I can be too sensitive and persistent and that can take out the fun element and put pressure on people, but I felt it's so damaging to my self-esteem. After speaking to him, I am not sure whether I actually like him or I am just obsessed with the fact that I missed the chance to actually have fun with him and I want to make up for that. I feel like this kind of people sometimes are quite shameless, they don't know what they want and they have tons of excuse to do hurtful things, as if they never realise they lack basic human decency and respect. He said he believes in karma, but he certainly doesn't not live his life with that principle. I don't believe in karma but the evil side of me is thinking, if karma does exist, then I hope it will be his bitch. The audacity of him promising to give me a call and then ditching me, waiting like an idiot, and still shamelessly acting as if nothing happens, that amazes me quite a bit. Perhaps my impression of him being a nice and sincere guy was wrong, it was blinded by my connection towards him and the fact that I miss out the chance to have fun with him.

 

Then, I basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back but I don't think it bugs him at all. So it feels quite silly from my end, as if I am creating the drama myself and playing a role in it, in the end I was the one getting hurt and affected, and he still stands from the moral high hill and said it's his fault bla bla bla but clearly it did not upset him much. I am pretty naive and gullible I feel, I feel like I did have a certain trust and expectations with him but he repays me with these actions that feel like he is toying me around.

 

Do you guys think it is a good thing to meet him in June when we both kinda cool down a bit? I hate that feeling that I feel like I can't trust his words anymore because of what he did to me. It's like when he says sorry it does not carry the meaning to my ears and when he says sth nice, I would second guess his words. It's such a stark contrast during the first week of chatting because I felt like I connected with someone that I liked and could hopefully trust to be a supportive buddy. Just hope to hear from you guys, whether positive or negative though.

 

P.S I even asked his consent if I could share this here (I think I am quite considerate) but I told him try not to read it. If he does, he said he will let me know. I most likely will delete this thread if he reads it, I don't want to create more drama cause I'm doing this for myself, not for him.

 

Here are your problems

1. you are a drama queen.

2. you think too much

3. you are sensitive

4. immature

5. you are vengeful.

6. insecure

7. calculative

8. self centered

9. you don't know what you want. Are you looking for chat or just fun or you want everything?

10. you lack principles.

 

Honestly, if I were to meet you in real life, I would just block you after all the shit you do after the first meeting. That said, since I don't know you, I am not going to judge you, but instead give you a sound advice.

 

You are not ready for anything serious with all the above "Problems". If I were your friends, I will run the other direction after the things you do, but instead he still regards you a someone, since you guys "connected”. Unless you guys are considered bf, otherwise, you should not overthink things and doing all those destructive "little actions". because you only pushes people away. He is not your bf and you don't own him. So keep the relationship simple and just treat him like any friend. Be mature and behave like an adult not like some spoiled little brat who did not get what he wants and start playing punk!

 

Grow up!

Work on your character "problems"

My 2 cents and more!

 

[Doorbell]

On 4/21/2022 at 11:32 PM, IkuTube said:

You started your post mentioning that you are going through 'some personal issues'.  When you are drowning with personal issues, it is not a good thing to sweep them under the carpet and to move on as though they never exist.  You need to address them before life can go on smoothly.  Else, history repeats itself.

 

Everything there is in life has two sides of a story.  While I feel how you feel, I feel the consequences that happen in life have to do with the clarity of intentions.  These consequences, unfortunately, are domino effects from not taking full responsibility of one's actions but shifting the blame to someone else or something else.

Reading your post, I keep having the feeling that you are easily annoyed.  When you take responsibility of your action, you will not be disappointed.  Your annoyance comes from your expectation.  When this expectation is not met, you reacted rather negatively.  When you 'basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back' is good example where you reacted negatively to shift the blame on him.

Perhaps you are not expressing the right thing to him.  Perhaps you are not even sure of what you want (the clarity of intention).  When these two are added, it is hard to make things right.

 

Live in the moment and enjoy what is there without judging it or expecting more.  Friendship starts with open mind and good friendship ends with respect and love.  When you 'can't trust his words anymore', do you think your mind can have that energy to trust him 'to be a supportive buddy'?

 

Be a happy doorbell and let the buzzer only brings you to the right place where you are able 'to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group'. 

 

 

Thanks for the feedback. I wasn't trying to shift blame onto him, obviously I played a part at this as well.

 

But you were right about the expectations and I also need to work on myself first.

[Doorbell]

On 4/24/2022 at 7:33 AM, caindukker said:

You see... He actually told you that he just wants to be friends. But that's not what you want. And he also said that he felt pressured. So you're actually forcing something he does not want on him. Obviously you both want something different.  So I'd advice you to move on to someone else. 

 

Some replies here pointed out that you are needy. I think you are needy too. I don't think being needy is exactly a bad thing. But think about how you're suffocating the person you love. I understand needy because I am one. In every new relationship I'm in, I will be needy for 1 to 2 years, and after that, I'll stop and don't even give a damn. And that's when they ask me, 'do you still love me? Why aren't you worried anymore? Do you care less?' haha... 

 

So what I always do in a relationship is to tell them about this in the beginning. I know I'm needy and obsessive, give me a year, you'll wish I was still obsessed with you. Muahaha... But of course, I always tell myself to try as hard as possible to not kill the person I love my suffocating them with my constant worrying, need of attention and jealousy. If you love someone, you don't want them sad. ☺️

Hahaha, thank you for your kind words

 

I get what you mean, I think my neediness usually lasts about a few weeks to a few months. The shorter it is, the more intense it is and I agree it can be very suffocating.

 

But actually I dunno why people here seem to think I'm 'in love' with this guy, actually not. I guess it's mostly because I was being too needy and wanted to get something in return

[Doorbell]

On 4/23/2022 at 11:12 PM, earth_tone said:

I have been there myself many times. Before, I used to need proper closure even for dates, be it sex at least once or it aren't over til I think it is over kind of mentality. Unknowingly, all your expectations will add up and make the experience very unbearable. Think about it, if you're meeting someone who becomes too needy won't you immediately identify a flying red flag?  I may never even want to see him again. You should chill and take it easy. If he is keen, he wouldn't have kept on pushing you back.

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I guess my mind was totally aware of that but my actions didn't reflect that.

 

After a few days of focusing mostly on myself and my happiness, I do see things a bit clearer. As mentioned by everyone, he's just not (or at least not really) interested in me, whether sexually or emotionally, to form any kind of connection.

 

So I need to pay myself and him more respect by not bugging him anymore (fyi, I have not texted him since posting this, so I guess it's a progress)

[singalion]

On 4/21/2022 at 10:13 PM, Doorbell said:

Hi everyone,

 

I guess I am just ranting and hopefully get some constructive feedback and perspective from the fellow members here.

 

Just to share my side of story, I recently have been binge-dating with different guys because of some personal issues. I want to connect with strangers who do not know me and eventually establish a different support system/group. But my intentions weren't solely on that, I welcome all the side fun and whatever that comes along I guess.

 

There was this bi guy who I felt quite connected to because he was able to respond and carry on discussions about all my odd topics that I threw on him, so it instantly became a good start and I took a liking on him. Nothing serious and I thought it was a good match to connect because he only started exploring his bisexuality and I thought I could be a good friend/brother for moral support. Fast forward and we agreed to go on our first date, the day before I got quite annoyed cause I had to put in the efforts to travel and his vibe was a bit off-putting to me. Anyway, I decided to go to meet him, we grabbed a drink and we talked, felt a bit like a friend catch up, although I thought the date was quite sucky and he seemed disinterested to have a second round for fun or whatever, I offered to grab dinner but he declined and gave the impression he needed to go home. So feeling that there is no second date, I texted him and told him honestly about my feelings in the hope you can take away some pointers to meet his subsequent dates. To my surprise, he thought the meet up went well (according to his definition if he still wants to meet up for a second time then it means it went well) and I found out that we would have brought me home to play if I had indicated so. To him, I did not give him any signal to proceed, so that felt a bit like opportunity wasted for me and makes me wanna meet him sooner for the next date to make up the missed out parts.

 

Then we chatted and texted each other quite regularly and shared our own experiences with other dates. I kinda developed a crush on another date of mine and him too on his other date, so we became a bit more like friends than fun buddies. But I told him I still wanted to have fun with him and tried to keep the chat a bit light and dirty as well, and my progress with my crush did not go well because I felt like I was being toyed (my crush would ghost on me and come find me whenever he wants). Meanwhile, he actually played with his crush but it ended also badly because his crush blocked him afterwards.

 

Then he tried to avoid me by postponing our second date to June, I was not aware that he actually felt pressured and that our lines and boundaries became very blurry. Every now and then he told me he had like last minute fun and would schedule to fun with someone, it made me feel a bit not valued because I expected him to prioritize me in the fun queue. So I told him about my feelings (I feel we were quite honest with each other) and my side of story. I got very upset and felt annoyed and then he wrote me a letter to apologise and reflected on his 'mistakes'. He said he can't express well via chat so he promised to call that night but in the end he said he went back to parents' and couldn't call, I felt a bit annoyed. The logical sense of me is like wtf did he actually reflect if he plans to do sth that will annoy people, and what's the value in the apologies and how sincere is me. Anyway, he maybe sensed that I was quite upset and he said he could go to the balcony and do a short call, but I feel I don't want him to accidentally come out and reveal his sexuality so I told him to schedule the call the next night. Again, he said he has badminton session and wants to schedule the call to 11.45. I told him I am tired by that time but I would make the effort to take the nap beforehand to take that call since it's bugging me more than him.

 

Then, the night came he never replied me and did not answer my call. The first thought was he was busy and maybe something was wrong and I was a bit worried, but then I quickly realised I probably thought too much and felt disgusted by his actions. It turns out he had a last minute date with another guy that was spontaneous and he was busy the whole night losing his virginity and getting his ass fucked by him. So the next morning I asked him and he did eventually give me a call and told me the whole story. Naturally, I felt hurt and upset and bitter because I have only been nice and sincere and felt so taken advantage of emotionally. I told him my side of story and said I wanted to have that fun with him but he said he wants to be friends only because I put too much pressure on him and he wants to have a clearer boundary. Anyway, I was upset but eventually agreed that we should cool down and really meet in June but not for fun, more for dinner and discuss if we can be friends or support system to each other. I told him the way he treats me makes me feel worthless and so disposable, it's so not cool. He acknowledged that and politely asked me not to feel that way cause it is not my fault.

 

I find it quite stupid from my end though. He was not my crush out of all my dates but definitely the one I feel most emotionally attached to. I know I can be too sensitive and persistent and that can take out the fun element and put pressure on people, but I felt it's so damaging to my self-esteem. After speaking to him, I am not sure whether I actually like him or I am just obsessed with the fact that I missed the chance to actually have fun with him and I want to make up for that. I feel like this kind of people sometimes are quite shameless, they don't know what they want and they have tons of excuse to do hurtful things, as if they never realise they lack basic human decency and respect. He said he believes in karma, but he certainly doesn't not live his life with that principle. I don't believe in karma but the evil side of me is thinking, if karma does exist, then I hope it will be his bitch. The audacity of him promising to give me a call and then ditching me, waiting like an idiot, and still shamelessly acting as if nothing happens, that amazes me quite a bit. Perhaps my impression of him being a nice and sincere guy was wrong, it was blinded by my connection towards him and the fact that I miss out the chance to have fun with him.

 

Then, I basically bugged him the whole day with messages, just to kinda annoy him and pay him back but I don't think it bugs him at all. So it feels quite silly from my end, as if I am creating the drama myself and playing a role in it, in the end I was the one getting hurt and affected, and he still stands from the moral high hill and said it's his fault bla bla bla but clearly it did not upset him much. I am pretty naive and gullible I feel, I feel like I did have a certain trust and expectations with him but he repays me with these actions that feel like he is toying me around.

 

Do you guys think it is a good thing to meet him in June when we both kinda cool down a bit? I hate that feeling that I feel like I can't trust his words anymore because of what he did to me. It's like when he says sorry it does not carry the meaning to my ears and when he says sth nice, I would second guess his words. It's such a stark contrast during the first week of chatting because I felt like I connected with someone that I liked and could hopefully trust to be a supportive buddy. Just hope to hear from you guys, whether positive or negative though.

 

P.S I even asked his consent if I could share this here (I think I am quite considerate) but I told him try not to read it. If he does, he said he will let me know. I most likely will delete this thread if he reads it, I don't want to create more drama cause I'm doing this for myself, not for him.

 

You shouldn't expect too much from sex dates from apps.

 

It is this difficult line to draw between, getting too close to someone or keeping sufficient distance that the other doesn't get the wrong message (out of the perspective of that bi guy).

We all know this that after some fun, the other starts admiring you when you actually never wanted more than just the fun.

 

There are guys who tend to be friendly and won't just tell you frankly that you are annoying. Not everyone on the apps is a immediate blocker.

 

From the hesitations and postponements by the bi guy I conclude he fears that you will get too involved with him if he meets up with you again. I see this also as he has sex with others in the meantime.

 

Your hefty messaging to him and treating him like your best girlfriend to tell all your sorrows surely did not assist in engaging him or persuading him to meet again.

 

Sometime, maybe often honesty doesn't serve the purpose.

 

You should have just kept it short and message : Up for fun?" and leave all your socialising crap away. Don's spam ONS sex partners with so many emotional messages.

 

I think you are aware that I m a bit blunt in my responses or advice, but my last point is something you need to ask yourself:

 

Make up your mind what you want.

Do you want to meet sex partners or do you intend to meet other guys sharing a social life?

I think you seriously need some very good gay friends on non sexual terms to talk to.

You are confusing a bit from ONS and friends.

 

Many guys will shy away if you give them a feeling that you want much more than just fun.

Don't impose your life on others if they don't want it and don't mistake their friendliness as a hint they want fun and deeper social interaction with you.

 

The rule actually goes:

Either sex or talk, both mostly won't work out.

 

 

[earth_tone]

On 4/26/2022 at 9:49 AM, Doorbell said:

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I guess my mind was totally aware of that but my actions didn't reflect that.

 

After a few days of focusing mostly on myself and my happiness, I do see things a bit clearer. As mentioned by everyone, he's just not (or at least not really) interested in me, whether sexually or emotionally, to form any kind of connection.

 

So I need to pay myself and him more respect by not bugging him anymore (fyi, I have not texted him since posting this, so I guess it's a progress)

It is progress and good for you. 

 

You know I've met guys like yours before, with the good guy syndrome, they're really selfish and they'll never turn you down or reject you upfront. Your welfare is not their priority so they'll wait for you to retreat and then they still can maintain their pristine status, all these at the expenses of your confusion and agony. At the end, they leave this ambiguous mess for you clear on your own, with their hands clean. A nice gentleman will not keep you hanging in midair, waitin'

[earth_tone]

On 4/26/2022 at 3:33 AM, GachiMuchi said:

 

Here are your problems

1. you are a drama queen.

2. you think too much

3. you are sensitive

4. immature

5. you are vengeful.

6. insecure

7. calculative

8. self centered

9. you don't know what you want. Are you looking for chat or just fun or you want everything?

10. you lack principles.

 

Honestly, if I were to meet you in real life, I would just block you after all the shit you do after the first meeting. That said, since I don't know you, I am not going to judge you, but instead give you a sound advice.

 

You are not ready for anything serious with all the above "Problems". If I were your friends, I will run the other direction after the things you do, but instead he still regards you a someone, since you guys "connected”. Unless you guys are considered bf, otherwise, you should not overthink things and doing all those destructive "little actions". because you only pushes people away. He is not your bf and you don't own him. So keep the relationship simple and just treat him like any friend. Be mature and behave like an adult not like some spoiled little brat who did not get what he wants and start playing punk!

 

Grow up!

Work on your character "problems"

My 2 cents and more!

 

That's kinda harsh. 

I don't think it is entirely doorbell's fault. His date is super questionable, in my opinion, well, based on his narrative, which is also what we're all commenting on to begin with. Just because he is brutally honest about his actions and feelings in his post doesn't necessarily make him the one at fault. Cannot underestimate the skills of some savvy field players out there who can play you like a mouse in their fingers too. Maybe he had met a very experienced one, leading him on. 

Edited April 26, 2022 by earth_tone

[Doorbell]

On 4/26/2022 at 1:03 PM, singalion said:

 

You shouldn't expect too much from sex dates from apps.

 

It is this difficult line to draw between, getting too close to someone or keeping sufficient distance that the other doesn't get the wrong message (out of the perspective of that bi guy).

We all know this that after some fun, the other starts admiring you when you actually never wanted more than just the fun.

 

There are guys who tend to be friendly and won't just tell you frankly that you are annoying. Not everyone on the apps is a immediate blocker.

 

From the hesitations and postponements by the bi guy I conclude he fears that you will get too involved with him if he meets up with you again. I see this also as he has sex with others in the meantime.

 

Your hefty messaging to him and treating him like your best girlfriend to tell all your sorrows surely did not assist in engaging him or persuading him to meet again.

 

Sometime, maybe often honesty doesn't serve the purpose.

 

You should have just kept it short and message : Up for fun?" and leave all your socialising crap away. Don's spam ONS sex partners with so many emotional messages.

 

I think you are aware that I m a bit blunt in my responses or advice, but my last point is something you need to ask yourself:

 

Make up your mind what you want.

Do you want to meet sex partners or do you intend to meet other guys sharing a social life?

I think you seriously need some very good gay friends on non sexual terms to talk to.

You are confusing a bit from ONS and friends.

 

Many guys will shy away if you give them a feeling that you want much more than just fun.

Don't impose your life on others if they don't want it and don't mistake their friendliness as a hint they want fun and deeper social interaction with you.

 

The rule actually goes:

Either sex or talk, both mostly won't work out.

 

 

Yeah, I think the reason why this was messy was because I did not get the lines cleared up and was sucked into this mess.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I am not in contact with this guy anymore since posting this, so I guess there is not much to say or dwell on too

[Doorbell]

On 4/27/2022 at 2:06 AM, earth_tone said:

That's kinda harsh. 

I don't think it is entirely doorbell's fault. His date is super questionable, in my opinion, well, based on his narrative, which is also what we're all commenting on to begin with. Just because he is brutally honest about his actions and feelings in his post doesn't necessarily make him the one at fault. Cannot underestimate the skills of some savvy field players out there who can play you like a mouse in their fingers too. Maybe he had met a very experienced one, leading him on. 

Hahaha thank you for your kind words. I don't expect everyone to be decent anyway, since it is an online platform and people don't need to feel accountable for their words etc.

 

Well, I guess I was a bit too absorbed for not being able to get the full picture from his side and felt a bit of unfinished business. The interaction with him was mostly positive until it got a bit messy and I think we both are at faults here so I don't want to point fingers too.

 

I guess this post is no longer necessary since there is no follow up on this story but I don't think I can delete this thread, so I will just let it die down. Appreciate your feedback and thank you for reading this.

 

Cheers everyone