Making friends

[gr_97]

Does anyone have any tips on how to make new friends as an adult? Recently entered the workforce and find that I don't really enjoy the company of my colleagues and while I have friends from school, I still hope to make connections with other adults. It's been a little tough though and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or places they have gone to make actual friends as an adult!

[Guest guest]

Go gossip with them or share your personal life with them. Most people nowadays like to make friend with others if that person share their personal life with them.

 

I don't make friend with my colleagues, and they also don't like to talk to me because i don't share my personal life with them. And so they cast me out.

[radiusulnar]

if you play sports or have a hobby, find others that play that or share the hobby. that would be a common topic to speak about and sustain conversation without having to share your personal life.

or sign up for a class - course mates will have something to talk about - the lecturer, the homework, and the assessment. keeping in touch after the class will take more effort so hopefully you find something in common before completion.

[Salt&Pepper]

My recommendation is to look into sharpening your Listening Skills. Google "Art of Listening" and watch Youtube videos on this. When you truly listened to people around you, you may find is easier to know who you want to connect to and how to connect with them. Then work on "Art of Communication". Being able to have meaningful conversations is a vital building block to friendships.

[keyboard]

@Salt&PepperHI! Long time no see your monkey!

 

It can be hard to make friends in companies. Like many will say, find hobbies. Then there's also the different kinds of friends. Some can talk about this, some cannot definitely share certain things with them. Over time, you will loose the school friends, when everyone moves to different stages in life and have other commitments. Also nobody works in forever company nowadays. So fret not, your work wife might appear in your next cycle. I had a work toyboy but left before me. haha.

[Guest Guest]

 

Does anyone have any tips on how to make new friends as an adult? Recently entered the workforce and find that I don't really enjoy the company of my colleagues and while I have friends from school, I still hope to make connections with other adults. It's been a little tough though and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or places they have gone to make actual friends as an adult!

 

Are you talking about gay friends or just friends in general?

[Guest Benefits]

You need to give others some benefit before they will be friends with you - good sense of humour to make them laugh, being very insightful to enrich their intellectual knowledge,  or offer help to achieve their objectives. Sadly, nobody will unconditionally be your friend once you are unable to yield any more benefit.

[Salt&Pepper]

@keyboard Hi! 👋 Yes, it had been Quite a while. I'm surprised people remember me 😜

 

I do agree it's somewhat difficult to make friends in the workspace, there is always some underlying agenda between colleagues, competition or peer pressure etc. It's difficult but not impossible. I believe it depends on the company's culture.....how cut-throat is the competitiveness and the perception of fairplay.

 

@gr_97 Like all relationships, friendships also need to invest time and effort to develop and maintain.  Quality is more important than quantity....so no need to think you need many friends. Besides, you may suddenly find your social circle of like-minded people expanded when you become a friend of someone who eventually gives you access to their social circle. But you must invest to develop that connection with that friend first. As for friendships are built on "mutual-benefits" as mentioned......I encourage you not to view it pessimistically. It is what it is....just life. That's why people say "invest", you need to also need contribute to reap the benefits. No need to judge what sort of "benefits" as everybody may not want exactly the same thing.

[AskMeNot]

I agree quality over quantity. A lot of people who has a lot of friends merely skim off the surfaces of friendships. It is usually a hi and bye or spend a weekend together in a group for a BBQ to past some time, but there is no real deep connection amongst them. I personally feel it is better to have friends who can grow with you over time.

[Guest guest]

Not easy to maintain friendship with people nowadays, since many people so busy with their own stuff, and people make friends with you due to some agenda. If no more agenda, your friendship would slowly die off.

[AskMeNot]

I won't say it is agenda but more like shared activity or value. For example, it is quite normal to have different groups of friends for different activities (clubbing, food, gym, travel, etc). Some may cross over, some may not.

[Steve5380]

 

Does anyone have any tips on how to make new friends as an adult? Recently entered the workforce and find that I don't really enjoy the company of my colleagues and while I have friends from school, I still hope to make connections with other adults. It's been a little tough though and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or places they have gone to make actual friends as an adult!

 

It is not easy to make friends at the workplace if there is some typical competition and distrust.  But to make new friends as an adult in general,  it helps to have some experience that teaches us that we are all the same creatures in the same situation,  sharing the victimization of being living humans.  This however may have to wait until we are a little older.   When we can replace indifference with empathy,  able to look people in the eyes with understanding, as peers or brothers,  instead of "the enemy".   Then we feel friendliness with our neighbors, with those we see repeatedly in the gym or the store, with those in public transportation or elevators, and we are ready to use some courtesy.

 

Then, with friendliness having become natural,  when there is some attraction, some commonality of interests with someone else,  it is easy to transform this into becoming friends.

[Gchn]

Being an adult I found myself focus more on my own growth instead of actively trying to look for friends. Of course, always stay open n friendly to ppl around me, even to those that I don’t feel myself get along with. It’s more of not making enemies than make friends to me. I think friends r the byproduct of the journey of self growth, as when ure trying to be the person that u want to be n ppl who have the similar thinking will be attracted to u.

[Guest Guest]

 

I agree quality over quantity. A lot of people who has a lot of friends merely skim off the surfaces of friendships. It is usually a hi and bye or spend a weekend together in a group for a BBQ to past some time, but there is no real deep connection amongst them. I personally feel it is better to have friends who can grow with you over time.

The real deep connection is really with family members. This is a disadvantage for gays who don't get married and start a family. They count on friends but is it so easy to find true friends who are as close as family?

[D.0284]

making friends are easy. the problem starts when you need to have time to maintain the friendship.

[AskMeNot]

 

The real deep connection is really with family members. This is a disadvantage for gays who don't get married and start a family. They count on friends but is it so easy to find true friends who are as close as family?

 

Unlikely. Family is a different category already. Blood will always be thicker than water.

[AskMeNot]

 

making friends are easy. the problem starts when you need to have time to maintain the friendship.

 

Agree. At different stage of life, your friends or yourself may be busy with different things, i.e. career, family, babies, etc.

[D.0284]

 

 

Agree. At different stage of life, your friends or yourself may be busy with different things, i.e. career, family, babies, etc.

friends is important for human, but it is seeing a downfall. suicide rate are climbing when people does not have the support that they needed.

[Guest Friend is fake]

 

friends is important for human, but it is seeing a downfall. suicide rate are climbing when people does not have the support that they needed.

 

I don't have friends in school. Acquitances who I never contact anymore after school. 

 

I don't have friends at work. 

They either quit before me or I quit before the, no chance for friendship to blossom. 

 

I don't have gay friends. 

Either they hook up with other gays. Or just ghost you before you can start a friendship. 

 

In todays age of instant connectivity to the whole wide world.. The meaning of real friendship has lost. Who needs friend when you can just go online and rant and the whole world can be your friend. Or enemy... 

 

Even the closest ns buddy no longer friends. I think the best friend you can have is with yourself. So treat yourself nicely. Bring yourself out on holiday. Laugh with yourself. Pamper yourself. Cry hugging yourself. 

 

I told my therapist this and his response was pretty much like "I'm also not your friend, our relationship ends the moment you stop paying me money to listen to your problems." 

[D.0284]

 

somethings to read about

[Guest Fatty]

Friends are liabilities 

[AskMeNot]

 

Friends are liabilities 

 

Don't agree. You just need the right mix of friends.

[Salt&Pepper]

 

 

somethings to read about

 

A very insightful video. Thanks for sharing 🙏 @D.0284

 

It is interesting that Geographical Mobility, Workism, Parenting and Social Fracture (breaking down of relationships) are listed as main reasons for losing friends in the US. I see where the presenter is coming from but my personal experience with 3 out of these 4 are different. I moved to Hong Kong at the very beginning of my career. Yes, I may have lost opportunities to form &/or maintain strong friendships with my peers in Singapore then, but I continue to make friends from then throughout more than 2 decades moving from place to place in northern Asia. I do not have family or existing social network in those places that I worked so most of my friends are (ex)colleagues, (former) business associates, friends of (ex)colleagues or (former)business associates. Most of my friends never make me choose between them and their spouse (I use this term loosely), when their relationship break apart, so I seldom lose friends from social fracture. I can't say anything contrary to "Parenting", as I never had children and never put into a grueling parenthood journey.

 

I think what resonated most with me is the last chapter of the video as I remember towards the end of my 1st year in HK. After hearing my manager's advice to "Do not stay in the office so late all the time, get a life as you are still young". I made a conscious decision i need to make friends and yes feeling lost on how and vulnerable on doing it. I remember being so terribly embarrassed admitting being lonely and don't know how to make friends to 2 person then, a colleague and another a business associate, and my social life began to change from that moment thereafter. The journey is not without bruises and cuts, but I have made quite a number strong friendships along the way. 

 

So even if it sounds cliche...if you are serious about making more friends, you need to make a commitment to be proactive in reaching out. Not everyone you reach out to will become a friend...it's ok and move on. Those who you have established a meaningful connection, it's your ongoing woodwork project.

Edited August 29, 2023 by Salt&Pepper

[AskMeNot]

It is a good video. I love how it defines the difference between friendship and a relationship. Friendship is about equality and being genuine. There are usually no expectations and it is not transactional. Relationship on the other hand is a little more complex.

 

Our life is generally evolving, and in this sense, friends change, or people you hang out with more often will change. This is quite easy. However, in a relationship, if party A cannot catch up with party B, it usually breaks down with a lot more disappointment. 

[Steve5380]

 

 

I think the best friend you can have is with yourself. So treat yourself nicely. Bring yourself out on holiday. Laugh with yourself. Pamper yourself. Cry hugging yourself. 

 

I told my therapist this and his response was pretty much like "I'm also not your friend, our relationship ends the moment you stop paying me money to listen to your problems." 

 

I agree with you 100%.  Since the earliest possible,  WE should be our best friend.  And in this relationship, we should seek our best education, skills, be kind and not overly judgmental with ourselves, and cultivate self-confidence.  With time and experience, we start seeing in others qualities that we have,  which can help bring empathy and friendship towards them.

 

You don't need a therapist to tell you this.  Although resorting to the help of a therapist can be an act of love towards yourself.

 

 

The real deep connection is really with family members. This is a disadvantage for gays who don't get married and start a family. They count on friends but is it so easy to find true friends who are as close as family?

 

Why being gay would imply the loss of family?   How about parents and siblings, and the family of the siblings?

 

 

[Guest Victim]

 

The real deep connection is really with family members. This is a disadvantage for gays who don't get married and start a family. They count on friends but is it so easy to find true friends who are as close as family?

Some friends are closer than family members, especially the unreasonable narcisist ones you call family.

[Guest Unmarried]

 

Why being gay would imply the loss of family?   How about parents and siblings, and the family of the siblings?

 

It simply is because gays, especially closeted ones, will likely stay single and do not get married with a woman to start a family. When parents are still around, there is still company and presence and all is good. The loneliness starts when parents pass on. Its compounded when you reach older age, health issues are likely to present themselves, meaning you will need a bit of help should you come down with a major illness. If yoy don't have close friends to count on, there will be that sense of helplessness.

[cutejack]

Nowadays where got making friends one? All stick to the hp. Many can text well but when meet up personally act like dumb, can't talk n too private. If not u won't be reading news where many died n found rot alone at home. Only those who sell tissues or need financial help approach n talk to u. Again with motive. Hmmm..im tired.

[D.0284]

 

 

A very insightful video. Thanks for sharing 🙏 @D.0284

 

It is interesting that Geographical Mobility, Workism, Parenting and Social Fracture (breaking down of relationships) are listed as main reasons for losing friends in the US. I see where the presenter is coming from but my personal experience with 3 out of these 4 are different. I moved to Hong Kong at the very beginning of my career. Yes, I may have lost opportunities to form &/or maintain strong friendships with my peers in Singapore then, but I continue to make friends from then throughout more than 2 decades moving from place to place in northern Asia. I do not have family or existing social network in those places that I worked so most of my friends are (ex)colleagues, (former) business associates, friends of (ex)colleagues or (former)business associates. Most of my friends never make me choose between them and their spouse (I use this term loosely), when their relationship break apart, so I seldom lose friends from social fracture. I can't say anything contrary to "Parenting", as I never had children and never put into a grueling parenthood journey.

 

I think what resonated most with me is the last chapter of the video as I remember towards the end of my 1st year in HK. After hearing my manager's advice to "Do not stay in the office so late all the time, get a life as you are still young". I made a conscious decision i need to make friends and yes feeling lost on how and vulnerable on doing it. I remember being so terribly embarrassed admitting being lonely and don't know how to make friends to 2 person then, a colleague and another a business associate, and my social life began to change from that moment thereafter. The journey is not without bruises and cuts, but I have made quite a number strong friendships along the way. 

 

So even if it sounds cliche...if you are serious about making more friends, you need to make a commitment to be proactive in reaching out. Not everyone you reach out to will become a friend...it's ok and move on. Those who you have established a meaningful connection, it's your ongoing woodwork project.

the video provide just provide another perspective but it cannot represents all the variation. i would like to be subjective on this subject.

[Guest guest]

 

Nowadays where got making friends one? All stick to the hp. Many can text well but when meet up personally act like dumb, can't talk n too private. If not u won't be reading news where many died n found rot alone at home. Only those who sell tissues or need financial help approach n talk to u. Again with motive. Hmmm..im tired.

Very true. People nowadays only interested in looking on their hp. Even meet up in person also busy looking on their phone without much interaction. No wonder i have no friends because i cannot tolerate the behavior of people.

[Baredom]

I’m 

Edited August 20, 2024 by Baredom

[Baredom]

J. 

Edited August 20, 2024 by Baredom

[dean_unknown]

On 8/28/2023 at 10:21 PM, D.0284 said:

 

somethings to read about

This makes me so glad to have a few best friends and close friends.
1 of my best friend drifted apart and we are more hi-bye friends now (we work near one another), and sometimes friendships are like that. 

[Startup]

Man is a social animal. As the saying goes, 在家靠父母，出门靠朋友  (We rely on our parents at home, we rely on friends outside home). 

 

Unfortunately not everyone finds it easy to make friends for various reasons. One most important reason is cos some people tend to be introverted and shy away from other people. That in itself is not an issue but it could be made worse when one is gay and wants to hide even more for fear of being found out. Some men have also learned not to express their feelings for fear of being labelled weak or sissy.

 

When I was a child, I had a playmate in my uncle so I wasn't interested in making friends with other kids my age. Unfortunately that didn't help as it meant I had missed that critical period of learning to make friends with my peers. So I became lost when eventually my uncle was no longer my playmate. What ensued was the awkwardness as I struggled to socialize.

 

Life is beautiful in that anything can be overcome and resolved given time and effort. If one truly wants to make friends and puts in some decent effort, there's no reason why one shouldn't be able to to do so. Question is how and who do you want to befriend.

 

Workplace is one place to make friends cos you meet your colleagues every day in the week and you may be working together on a project. Attending classes is another place to make friends as people with similar interests come together to learn.

 

What works for me is understanding why I want to make friends and what type of people I think worthwhile to make friends with. Once I ran a biz that required me to interact with a lot of people. Because many people were drawn to my vision for the biz, they supported my biz. While not all became friends cos I didn't have time and energy to 'entertain' everyone, I remain grateful as I know people are generally kind and helpful and would reach out to you if they sense the sincerity and genuineness in you.

 

道不同不相为谋。I find this saying most true. No matter how much you like someone and would like him to be a friend, it will never work if you don't share the same values. People come and go in our lives. Nothing like mutual liking, shared experiences or common values will make anyone stay in your life. The only thing that works is being yourself, be more open and giving, and count your blessings. Anyone who is meant to cross path with you will become your friend if it's meant to be.

[Guest guest]

Any decent gay apps/social platform other than Grindr to make friends?

[koolkai]

On 11/6/2023 at 9:17 PM, Guest guest said:

Any decent gay apps/social platform other than Grindr to make friends?

There isn't any 😟

[Guest Drilla]

On 8/31/2023 at 11:18 PM, Guest guest said:

Very true. People nowadays only interested in looking on their hp. Even meet up in person also busy looking on their phone without much interaction. No wonder i have no friends because i cannot tolerate the behavior of people.

Kind of rude to use phones for long periods when meeting others for dinner. Indirectly saying you do not like the person's company.

 

Might as well text one another from home.

[Guest guest]

4 hours ago, Guest Drilla said:

Kind of rude to use phones for long periods when meeting others for dinner. Indirectly saying you do not like the person's company.

 

Might as well text one another from home.

This is what people are doing now, glue their eyes on their hp all the time.

[Tim Lee]

On 11/6/2023 at 9:17 PM, Guest guest said:

Any decent gay apps/social platform other than Grindr to make friends?

It is quite difficult to find sincere or good friend in this circle . 

[Guest Guest]

2 hours ago, Tim Lee said:

It is quite difficult to find sincere or good friend in this circle . 

Agreed, esp if you are ugly or do not have nice bod.

[Bobi]

Join Religious group

[Guest Drilla]

This song sums it up.

 

 

[yoyo74]

On 8/24/2023 at 3:46 PM, gr_97 said:

Does anyone have any tips on how to make new friends as an adult? Recently entered the workforce and find that I don't really enjoy the company of my colleagues and while I have friends from school, I still hope to make connections with other adults. It's been a little tough though and I'm wondering if anyone has any tips or places they have gone to make actual friends as an adult!

My way is get people with similar interest as me form a group to go out together. Currently i am bringing friends to go exercise all weekends. Mostly we go jogging together. Form a group chat. Bring my group to join other group for other things like HIIT exercise. Currently starting volleyball. Maybe roller blade or ice skating or swimming in the future. I make sure the friends are all gays so that we can talk all the things we want without a worry. From all these activities i found several close friends and i even mention to them to stay together in the same house during old age

[yoyo74]

On 8/26/2023 at 8:38 PM, AskMeNot said:

I agree quality over quantity. A lot of people who has a lot of friends merely skim off the surfaces of friendships. It is usually a hi and bye or spend a weekend together in a group for a BBQ to past some time, but there is no real deep connection amongst them. I personally feel it is better to have friends who can grow with you over time.

Its very hard to get quality people in just a few hits. My strategy is get a extremely large quantity of friends than from there pick out the good quality friends that suits me to form a very close relationship while still doing quantity events for everybody

[Tim Lee]

Totally agree . Notice that most of them do not make an effort to stay in touch . Just a small minority do only . 
Pretty common in this circle .

[Guest Guest]

On 11/19/2023 at 9:56 AM, Tim Lee said:

Totally agree . Notice that most of them do not make an effort to stay in touch . Just a small minority do only . 
Pretty common in this circle .

Nowadays many people do not make an effort to stay in touch, always one sided keeping in touch. If that person does not keep in touch, then would lose contact eventually. I really wonder why people behave in such a way. No wonder many people just ended up as alone since it is tiring to be the one sided person who always keep in touch with friends.

[Startup]

I think we need to put things in perspective. In real life, we don't make friends with everyone. Say in your company of hundreds of people, how many people actually become your friends? When you were in NS, how many of those you braved together with are still your friends?

 

We had the benefit of interacting with them physically yet the majority don't become our friends. Those who were friends may have faded away ...

 

So what are the chances of making friends online when you do not have the benefit of physical interaction? I am not saying it will not happen but we have to be realistic.

 

Men are by nature physical or visual. They are mostly not into chats. Yes they did chat with you but it's only cos they were lonely or bored at that moment. You happen to be there for them to kill time.

 

To make attempts to strike conversation with someone who has never met you before and hope that he will treat you as a friend is simply unrealistic.

 

If you have difficulties making friends in real life, what makes you think it will be any different or easier in the virtual world?

 

Give your time and attention to someone around you, not someone you have not met.

[Guest guest]

Even someone around that you want to give your time and attention, it might be one sided friendship.

[Jeff1069]

On 11/25/2023 at 3:34 PM, Startup said:

I think we need to put things in perspective. In real life, we don't make friends with everyone. Say in your company of hundreds of people, how many people actually become your friends? When you were in NS, how many of those you braved together with are still your friends?

 

We had the benefit of interacting with them physically yet the majority don't become our friends. Those who were friends may have faded away ...

 

So what are the chances of making friends online when you do not have the benefit of physical interaction? I am not saying it will not happen but we have to be realistic.

 

Men are by nature physical or visual. They are mostly not into chats. Yes they did chat with you but it's only cos they were lonely or bored at that moment. You happen to be there for them to kill time.

 

To make attempts to strike conversation with someone who has never met you before and hope that he will treat you as a friend is simply unrealistic.

 

If you have difficulties making friends in real life, what makes you think it will be any different or easier in the virtual world?

 

Give your time and attention to someone around you, not someone you have not met.

Good say of thoughts. Agreed. It's whether both parties chemistry,  willingness to interact honesty and shared common interests.