Hurtful Gay Life...?

[reflection]

Life Searcher,

Your vivid descriptions shows you are totally entangled in this mess. You have received advices yet you choose to entangle yourself.

I can only sigh ...... you have to be responsible for your karma

Reflection

- 執迷不悔就像是中了情花毒！

[Guest -snowball-]

- 執迷不悔就像是中了情花毒！

This is why i say i won't feel sorry for him & he is not a victim at all, he choose this path & want this complicated relationship, he is totally blind within & allow his guilty conscience to continue, if he feel he able to get true happinese then let it be

[reflection]

This is why i say i won't feel sorry for him & he is not a victim at all, he choose this path & want this complicated relationship, he is totally blind within & allow his guilty conscience to continue, if he feel he able to get true happinese then let it be

To be fair, some of us have gone through similar paths Life Searcher is walking now. I confess I have been like him before. I wont try to see it as a sorry state or not. I see it as a test - some of us have to walk and fall few times before we can look back and say "Oh, that was me before but now I have outgrown that state"

Reflection

- 覺悟得靠失意

Edited February 4, 2009 by reflection

[GachiMuchi]

I do not wish to force him and I start imagine is this our last meet up? Is it an end now? I don't know. To me... Thursday is like a Judgement day for me. Things can turn out 3 ways:

1) He tell his partner everything and his partner says bye bye to him (Would it be this ideal for me?? - I don't dare to think on the positive side.

2) He confess himself and promise his partner that he will never see me again - One situation that I fear the most

3) His partner accepts his explaination and life moves on as it is

How the event turn out is not important because he was only yours for those short moments when he is with you. I don't even consider it 3 months as it is mostly you arranging your time to fit his time between his work, his wife and his partner.

Assuming you add up all your time you spent with him during these 3 month, I think at most 36 hours of your time was spent with him. He should be having a very busy and hectic schedule dealing with work, wife and 2 boyfriends. What a busy man he must have been. No wonder he is so stressed up. I wonder how long he can keep up.

This scenario reminds me of a comedy movie starring Chow Yuan Fatt (大男人日记）http://www.imdb.cn/title/tt0094935.

Chow has 2 girlfriends, Sally Yeh and Joey Wong. He married both as he is not sure who to choose. Then one day the 2 wife found out about each other and decided to teach Chow a lesson he will never forget.

Maybe someone should make a comedy movie of a man having a wife and 2 boyfriends. 大男人同志日记.

[Guest -snowball-]

To be fair, some of us have gone through similar paths Life Searcher is walking now. I confess I have been like him before.

I don't feel sory & never think he is a victim at alll but that does not mean i am against him right?

I even ask him to follow his heart & hope when he wake up is not too late for him,

There are many type of people, some won't let this type of thing happen, some people get cheated but after knowing the truth he get away from it & say bye bye, some still want to be blind & act as a victim ( some don't even know what is shameless still dare to blame his wife occupied most of the time with his husband ),

well, each person have his own destiny & path to go with it, if you think is right, then go for it, simple as that, but please don't say LOVE is Blind or LOVE is selfish, is YOU the one who choose to be

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dearest All,

No worries for all the comments and etc from all members or readers here. I mainly would like to share or express my feel and listen to the views here. No matter what turns our later.. I will face it gracefully.

Mr. W told me he won't called me for the next two days (which is yesterday and today) but he gave me a big big surprise yesterday early morning by giving me a call and tell me he wanted all the things I bought for him and just that he will bring home piece by piece. I told him I am very happy to hear that and never expected him to give me a call or even a possibility that we will never meet again... once again, he brings light into my day and I remain high mood for the rest of the day...

Today, Mr. W not only called me again...early in the morning but also ask to meet me before meeting his partner in the afternoon for coffee. Without much thoughts, I changed my plan for my office meeting and meet him in the morning. We have a morning coffee in a very nice and quiet cafe and I told him I am really happy and never thought he will see me again. I would have thought today is my judgement day and he will give up our relationship... Never did I expect him to see me today and told me how much he misses me... He even wrote a poem at 4.45 a.m. for the last 2 days as he can't help thinking of me the moment he woke up... I thought that was very sweet and express all my feel for him.

At this moment, I really would not mind what others think of me.. or even scold me.. I feel our love has deepen and we do cherish each other alot. At this present moment, I hope to enjoy our happy times and just hope or wishful thinking that things will not turn out ugly.....

[osprey2]

sorry for the copy of the quote sent earlier.

I empathise with Life Searcher of his predicament for loving the man despite all the issues raised. I am also in a situation where i falls head over heel over a younger man. Until now after nearly 5 months after meeting him, I cannot undersatnd why emotions for him cannot be held back. He has all the attributes of a guy whom i would love to spend time with. Unfortunately, he has no emotional attachmnet for me. He will accompany me for lunch and discuss on general conversation topics.

Having been trying hard to over come this strong attachment but fails whenever he calls or sms. The feeling starts all over again.

[Mandrake]

Life Searcher -

Where the path is least taken, where perils are abundant, therein lie strength that no one else can possibly obtain.

Fear not to walk the path you choose. Everyone falls, but find the strength to stand up again.

I feel that you should find out the real reason why Mr W. is back before his stipulated date.

Is it really true that he misses you so much and go against all odds?

Or is it that his partner simply accepted his explanation of sorts.

I feel in doubt by the turn of events... that Mr W. is not leaving his partner due to his partner threatening with suicide.

[Guest experienced]

Dear Life Searcher

I cant help but wonder why Mr W is so free to move from one person to another and still have a family to look after.

Have you ever checked his background?

Sorry for stirring doubts in you..but it is always good to be careful.

Take care

================

edited by Gachi

[newguy2l]

life seacher is 30+

Mr W is 35 yr older

Mr W is 65??

and still hav career, wife and 2 bfs

wife alos must be 60, first bf is 60 also?

no wonder he is making time for u

ah! still got happy days for me in my old age

if Mr W can do it - so can I

but I think Mr W is on the following meds

viagra - of course - to satisfy all 3

xanax for stress and anxiety

anti-hypettensive etc etc

walking heart attack waiting to happen

I can t believe Mr W can be that great

when all over spore there are other great younger men

u choose him??

c'mon 65 is 65 and no plastic surgery is ever gonna change things

i am talking of receding hairlines, grey hair, pouchy stomach, etc etc

and he takes the bus and is not used to poshy places

and plays mahjong?

reminds u of your father?

nobody ever pay attention to u be4?

so u fall for the first guy to pat your backside

how did u guys meet the first time? where?

who made the first move?

forgive me the Qs - just interested in the psychology of the whole affair

and your obsession

[reflection]

newguy21,

You really make an effort to study and analyze the case. Bravo :clap: Must be good in problem-solving.

Anyway, you make some sensible comments and insights :thumb: and I have to relook at the whole case again and like you, I like psychology.

Now I think Mr W is equally entangled.....he needs a young stud to take care of him too

Reflection

- 剪不斷， 理還亂

Edited February 6, 2009 by reflection

[Guest experienced]

Maybe it was a typo error...left out the comma..

.....In any other way, I am 35++ years, younger than him and he has ....

If he is really 65, I think that we have all been commenting out of context.

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear All here.. thank you for being so interested in finding out all th details.. I should have clarified earlier but I was trying to protect Mr. W personal life.

Anyway my clarifications as follow:

1) I am 33 years old, Mr W. turns 69 this year and his partner is not 39 - 40 years old.

2) Mr. W is a retiree - Did I ever mentioned he is working?? Although he do some volunteerily works sometimes.

3) Mr. W no longer have sex with his wife for ages... maybe more than 20 years...

4) I really don't think he is using an medicine.. because he remains "high performance" anytime and anywhere without any problem. I can assure that.

5) Yes.. he has grey hair... so what? A tummy?> so what again? Are we loving someone really just all his look? Yes, I confess I was charm by his mature and suave look... (also I have to say he looks more like 55 -60 years old).

6) Taking bus together.. to me is very romantic as we try to take a longer route as we wish to spend more time.. rather than a taxi which we both could afford. I don't see a problem for a man who takes bus or who loves majong... Does he have to play golf to be posh? We share the interest in both high class Muscial, stage play and even romantic musics... we appreciate wine together.. although he may know which are the good wine to buy but I think so long the wine taste smooth for both of us. Like good food and drink, the ingredients have to be fresh but to make it perfect will be the mood, set up of the restaurant and most important, who you are eating with...

"Osprey2" - Don't be discourage.. you have my support... I understand how you feels...

"Mandrake" - You know what? All your points did flash thru my mind before.. I guess.. I have choose to think of a better side.. One thing for sure... is we really misses each other so much that we met yesterday before he met his partner... he knows I feel very sad, lousy and discourage... and he just wanted to show me his love.. he show me how his feel by writing and even ... shed his tears after I did when we met.. I was really touched..

Today

We arrange to meet up again in the mid afternoon for a trip to sea side.... I was very happy as you can imagine that I arrive an hour plus earlier near his home. Again, we enjoy so much for our bus ride.. when we held hands together and exchange kisses when no one was around...

We took a stroll along the sea side and sat down to enjoy the sea breeze and that was the time when something strikes (happy things always end fast).. his partner called and wanted to meet him for a coffee again... and without much hesistation or should I say he do not know how to say "no" to him... he agreed.. i know we have to leave the sweet romantic place... He know I was upset and kept apologize.. I said I am not angry.. just a little upset.. and I still ask him to go ASAP as I do not want to get him caught in between once again.... We took a bus back again.. and this time we have to change to MRT in mid-way... I am little more quiet and he can that strongly too.. KNow what? the place he have to go to meet his partner is opposite my office..

So i took a ride with him.... and in between, there was another man who stands near to the door entrance exchange his eye contact with me and stroke me on my laps... I turned back and he gave me a smile.. he was trying to "catch me"... Mr. W sense it immediately and gave a real cool stare at this guy who totally ignore Mr. W. I complained to Mr. W that the guy touched me.. just to make him jealous.. **(I know I am bitchy here but I really have no interest except Mr. W in my eyes now)...

I went back to work but I can concentrate and focus.. I was not in good mood.. but I guess I have to coped an learn how to face this.. as I expect more of this incident will recur... He gave me a call just now and try to smooth me down and tall me he is on the way home so that I can back to my own self.. Once again.. he assures his love for me and again... silly me.. accepted what he says and again with my silly confuse feelings..

[newguy2l]

life searcher - sorry your afternoon was ruined

why coulnt you join him in meeting his bf no 1?

for coffee only wat

we are all adults and civilised - so cant u all be friends

to understand u better

can u tell us your background

how is your family like?

what is your relationship with your parents esp your father

was he strict, demanding, distant, loving to u?

were u ever abused as a child?

can you think 10 yrs ahead and visualise how your life woull be like

and give us an idea of it?

last - your character

manly/sissy/effem

dom/submissive

chub/bear/twink

ht/wt may be helpful

[Guest Been There]

Life Searcher - Love Hurts, as the song goes......Once you have make up the decision to love and be hurt, then the choice is yours.

LOVE HURTS

Love hurts, love scars,

Love wounds, and marks,

Any heart, not tough,

Or strong, enough

To take a lot of pain,

Take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud

Holds a lot of rain

Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Im young, I know,

But even so

I know a thing, or two

I learned, from you

I really learned a lot,

Really learned a lot

Love is like a flame

It burns you when its hot

Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness

Blissfulness, togetherness

Some fools fool themselves I guess

Theyre not foolin me

I know it isnt true,

I know it isnt true

Love is just a lie,

Made to make you blue

Love hurts, ooh,ooh love hurts

Ooh,ooh love hurts

I know it isnt true,

I know it isnt true

Love is just a lie,

Made to make you blue

Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts

Ooh ooh love hurts

[Guest surelyuGESSing]

dear Life Searcher

having just came out from an unhappy relationship, i can empathize with wat u going through now.

now i found another man (unexpectedly) and we are both very happy

yesterday this new man in my life took leave to accompany me to see doctor.

later we went to hotel 81 have an screw session

after that we had late lunch at lavender foodcourt and he went back home to his wife.

while we were there, i saw another older guy with a gigantic bum and hi-cut pants walk by

after my bf got into taxi, i immediately follow tis ah pek's behind and take in sight all that beautiful bum.

tis ah pek notice me and gave me a smile.

we play hide and seek for a while until finally ended in a toilet cubicle where i sucked him off

the late afternoon scent in his groin drives me crazy!

we planned to me later this afternoon.

i ask him not to take shower before he comes. he laughed.

tis ah pek is married but i think he is a novice with guys...

i completely forgotten about the first guy.....

please go and loiter around the places where the type of men u like usually gather and have a good time.

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear All,

Once again.. today is a Saturday.. a day I wish it does not arrive every week or a day I wish I can't think of anything (hopefully it goes faster than any other day). I know Mr. W will be with his partner this afternoon again.. especially now.. this minute.. I know what will happen... I know I have said I will learn how to control myself an feeling.. but when the time comes.. you just feel a little upset of down. I am all alone in an internet cafe now.. trying not to think of him or what he is doing... I look thru all the photos we have taken and try to just remember he loves me and my love for him.. I guess.. could be human nature that some sour feeling around my heart and mind.

"New Guy 21" - You really sounds more like an expert or a doctor.. trying to cure or anyalze my past or childhood... I have expressed a little in my very first post about my family background... I am in my 30s about 1.81 m tall and about 78 kg... I am smooth and clean cut.. quite executive look.. no child / family abuse experience..

As for Surely Gessing- I really can't do the way you say.. that is purely sex??? I don't think this is the only thing I am looking for here... I have thought for going arund to look for some others but just have a guilt feeling to do so.. for me..If I love someone.. I will give whole heartily.. Yes... I can enjoy a quick good sex with some other Uncles or matures..liek the one I met yesterday but my mind is all Mr. W and I can't focus..

Been there - Thank you for sharing the song...

I think I just feel myself very hopless now.. why can't i forget him.. or why can't i be a little naughtier... I miss him.. really miss him a lot now...

[Guest Please Forgive Me]

I admire at how you choose to live your life, Life Searcher. When many would fall into the victim consciousness, you choose to stand above it. In your struggle, and how hard you have to fool and engineered your thinking mind, you learn to accept. You learn to overcome all your emotions [of joy, sorrow, hate and love] and keeping yourself afloat. You choose to take charge rather than to take care of the situation.

Acceptance, by itself, has made you a winner. Often, people tend to fail because they analyse, and then analyse again, too much and not experiencing life. Even when they start to experience life, it is often tad too late.

Taking charge gives meaning to life. It, definitely, paves the way ahead. Currently for you, nothing else seems to matter but to surrender yourself in love. To you, the purity of love keeps you going and never allowing your mind to think that you have become (love's) slave. This, I shall applaud. You definitely have a positive mindset and strength within, even when events are often against you.

Silly your situation may sound to us, who are we to judge your life course? We may take different approaches, stumble and fall or raise with victory, but perseverance will serve the purpose. You are one (good) example where one should just live today, in his nowness, without worrying too much of the outcome. The wiseman is often happy with his future because of what he sowed. And Life Searcher, you are basically just doing that - living in your moment.

There are just so many lessons that we can learn from your experience. The lack of seriousness - pardon the judgement here, yet there is so much conviction within you. Your writing does not show a trait of a deaden awareness. For every struggle, which you are fighting it well, your focus remains to make things right - at least, for yourself.

I can only hope for your happiness. For life's best to what you believe. To your hope, and all your dreams (to come through). You are heard and I do hope, if writing here makes you feel better, just continue on. It will make your day easier.

I also hope that you keep your sanity. When the situation is all about you and Mr W, and your willingness to be his 'inconvenient' partner, I hope it remains such. No, I don't mean to imply the word per se. I just hope there'll be no room for malice - and, I believe you are not such a person.

For all the unknown future, for all the rainbows of confusion, I pray for your strength, Life Searcher. At the end of it, I am very sure that you will become a much much practical person.

[Guest surelyuGESSing]

As for Surely Gessing- I really can't do the way you say.. that is purely sex??? I don't think this is the only thing I am looking for here... I have thought for going arund to look for some others but just have a guilt feeling to do so.. for me..If I love someone.. I will give whole heartily.. Yes... I can enjoy a quick good sex with some other Uncles or matures..liek the one I met yesterday but my mind is all Mr. W and I can't focus..

the second one (the one who accompanied to see doctor) - started off with a big bang - then develop into a nice relationship.

he's been to my flat several times now - even while my parents were at home.

he's attended the funeral wake of my father.

he have had conversation with my brothers and sister.

i have been to his church, to his home, talked with his son, had a meal cooked by his wife

his wife sent me sms to come collect some food she prepared for the CNY

we even slept in the same bed while his wife slept next room

of course we had a screw in the middle of the night....

he knows about all my other elderly boyfriends, including:

A - the official one and the first one in line (the one in australia)

B - the one who broke my heart (whom i still keep in touch once or twice a week, and i just saw him tonite at a concert)

C- the one whom i am still trying to seduce (we had congee after the concert tonite)

T - my doctor whom i had almost seduced (alreday touching his dick)

i shared with him all the things i did with them others (not everything of course)

we can have a laugh together talking about the others.

he gets a little u know what, and i enjoy seeing his grimaced reaction (he looks cute when he grimace!)

he knows i am teasing him of course.

we are going to a concert tomorrow afternoon, something we both share a joy for.....

the motto is - you need to get laid - and then, maybe, sometimes u get lucky and find someone whom u can click with on many things in your life

no venture, no gain.

please take care.

[Guest surelyuGESSing]

when i was still in a relationship with Mr "B", i was always humming this song

i pretended that i was mourning not being able to see my australian boyfriend when he got too old to travel here anymore

but actually in secret it was the last verse that echo that terrible feeling in my heart that i wasn't getting anywhere into this relationship with Mr "B"

三年(San Nien - Three Years) - by Li Xiang Lan (李香兰)

想得我肠儿寸断

望得我眼儿欲穿

好容易望到了你回来

算算已三年

想不到才见面

别离又在明天

这一回你去了几时来

难道又三年

左三年 右三年

这一生见面有几天

横三年 竖三年

还不如不见面

***********

明明不能留恋

偏要苦苦缠绵

为什么放不下这条心

情愿受熬煎

***********

yes, it was a terrible period in my life.

yes, sometimes i still long for him, now and then.

but since Mr "D" has come into my life, it has helped to heel the deep wound in my heart.

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear “Please Forgive Me" - I kind of feel you are really one of the person here who really understand me or should I say who your words and advice did give me some

courage and the strength to move on. I don't think I am as strong as you have described as there were several cases I did think of giving up this relationship but in the end I just can't let go.

Know what?? I haven't shed tears for many many years since I last lost one of my closest family member... But now I am able to shed my tears for Mr W. When I miss him so much or when I am struggling

With my emotional feelings. I have tried to learn and I believe the road is still veruy long ahead if I wish to continue here.. I don't expect others to really understand or trying to act pity here.. Like what you have said, I feel so much better after writing my feelings here.

To the extent, I will try all ways to look for a PCwith internet connection or a internet cafe when I feel so emotional.

Hi Gessing- I can feel you are really happy now but try to choose the one you love the most and cherish him. We must understand is really not easy to find someone you love and he love you.. I am impress and envy you can spend your time with the new man and family..

Today... Although we are going to meet up again.. My feeling is a little down... Because I feel am I living in someone's time or space?? Is like queing up to get someone love...

And I am always the last one to be attended when His partner or wife get all the priority. Then, I will try all ways to convince myself at least he is trying all his best to come out and meet me and etc.

I know the worst is yet to come ... I know I can't let go at this moment and I shall know and learn how to walk on bare foots on a hot burning rocky mountain.

Good luck to All

[Guest Please Forgive Me]

.. your words and advice did give me some courage and the strength to move on

My intention is for you to find peace within, Life Searcher. To honour the decision that you had made. Not to make it worse but (learn) to live with it. It is about accepting and honouring the choice.

Should your situation had come earlier, when you just started, I believe my approach would be different. I always believe in the philosophy of an action - 'to honour' and take charge of the responsibilities (experiencing), rather than making one to struggle with the psychological decision theories. In your case, I feel that you need to experience life. To fully understand the decision that you had already made and accept your situation 'As Is'. Of course, we can always recourse the choice and re-learn the decision.

Your writings showed that you have passion for life. You are aware of the 'what-if'. Fortunately for you, you are still able to stay positive. We are not perfect but it is the balancing act that will lead us to live in harmony.

I just hope you can stay that way but do watch your thoughts. Do watch your words. It is what you planted, and then strongly believe, that will produce the result. When you think you can succeed, you will just succeed. Likewise, the moment you internalize it to fail, it will just fail. The Universe works not in mysterious way -- it follows the energy of our dominant thought. In psychology, it is Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).

now I am able to shed my tears

Tears are said to cleanse chemicals from the body that build up during emotional stress. And, there is nothing wrong for a guy to cry.

Cry as you may, Life Searcher but do find out who and what is worth your tears. Basically, it is internalizing for a purpose.

and I believe the road is still veruy long ahead if I wish to continue here

Watch this thought! And, take charge with what you want! A yes is a yes; a No is just no.

[snowball]

http://you.video.sina.com.cn/b/18174685-1572301807.html

[Guest Life Searcher]

Yesterday – 8th Feb 2009.

After I wrote my last post here… I was waiting for Mr. W’s call in a café down my home. I ordered a double espresso so as to keep myself awake as I do not wish him to see my tired look. I want to keep myself as a perfect image in front of him. Normally he will come over to my home on Sunday evening but yesterday evening was bad as I have relatives from overseas staying over for a few days. At about 6 p.m., Mr. W called and we decided to meet at the bus interchange near my home. Walking to the bus interchange, my feeling is a little confused. I start asking myself many questions… Am I living in his time schedule or shouldn’t I live in my own?? Well, I gave myself a slap (quite light) on my face as to stop myself for thinking silly things.

Far away, I could see Mr. W standing at the corner waiting for me. Coincidentally, we both wore a black jacket… the moment he saw me, he try to hug over my waist but I stop him a little. I don’t know why?? Then, he followed by a “Sorry”. He said he knew I must be very disappointed and upset on Friday and he apologized for not handling the situation properly. I told him that was alright and I knew he was in a very difficult position. He told me it was normal for anyone to get upset if the same situation falls on them. He could tell I was trying to force myself to wear my smiley face last Friday when I accompany him to meet his partner. He saw I was trying to use my fingers to “adjust” my facial expression to make my smiley face. I guess is not difficult for anyone to read my mood as most of the time I am projecting a very positive and smiling image. He could tell that I was very upset and it was heartbroken to see I was forcing myself to smile as he knew I want him to be happy and not with guilty feeling.

I never thought we could have some loving session yesterday as we do not have a specific place. All I thought was having a coffee, meal, movie or even just a karaoke with him. Just to give him a few kisses and hugs. We thought for some time and he suggested finding a gay sauna so that we can have time alone for a loving session. I was surprised as I knew he would be very tired since he met up with his partner yesterday afternoon and as usual, his partner would definitely demand sex from him without fail. He was very thoughtful and loving to me in the sauna, holding my hands and helping me with towels. It was like, he afraid some of other uncles or Ah Peks here will grab me away from him. Although, he may not have performed to his top form yesterday, I could feel his kisses, hugs etc for me were still very passionate (which is the most important to me). After enjoying ourselves for about 2 hours, we decided to wash up and have a quick dinner before heading home. While we were changing our clothes, there was a nice uncle walk towards me and try to pass on his phone number to me. I was a devil then as I was happy there are someone still interested in me and my eyes were searching at Mr. W’s expression. I declined accepting the gentleman’s phone number, walked towards Mr. W and hold his hand tightly (is like a signal to the gentleman that I belongs to Mr. W).

I could tell Mr. W was jealous and yet happy that I turn the gentleman down. I whisper thru his ear that I belong to him… I knew he purposely asked me to the sauna to satisfy me as he was worried I am still upset over the Friday issue. I told him unless he have the urged to really want to make love with me as I do not need to be satisfied this way and I am already very happy so long I could see him or having a coffee with him. I strongly believe making love should be a 2 way channel and both parties should enjoy physically and mentally. He laughed after hearing that and slapped my bum… saying “I miss you a lot, can’t sleep well, start thinking of you since 3.45 a.m. and looking forward so much to meet you today. That is why I feel gay sauna is probably the most convenient place for us to meet and have some good time”. He continue to tell me he enjoy every minute with me and that is not just to make me pleasure….(is part of it only).

As usual, we choose to take a longer bus route. We share our previous experiences and he told me he never has expected to fall in love again. He told of ending his current relationship before and lives as a non-string attached status again but I have completely changed his thoughts. From his eyes and the warm from his palm, I could tell what he says is from the bottom of his heart and I tell myself... I was fortunate to find this man but why was his status so complicated. I have never mind falling in love with a married man but never I thought this dream man of mine is both married and attached… What if we have met earlier?? Could things changed? Yes and no… we may not even have met or even like falling in love with each other. I guess is fated and timing!! Time to meet, you will meet and if not, no matter how you try… your Mr. Right or dream man will not appear. There are many out there who may not even meet their Mr. Right / Dream man in their whole life… At least I have at this age… Nobody knows how the future will be… we may be more loving as we cherish every of our moment now…we may be apart as time goes or we are too tired to carry on… and many many other possibilities... Now, I just hope each day will goes by happily...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear Please Forgive me -

You sounded really like a man who has experience alot in life and I am quite sure you are a practical person. You believes in controlling life no matter what you do and faces it when you make up your mind. I start admiring your thoughts and Philosophy of life... I guess in life we have to really experience all types of feelings. We can only feel the true happiness and fortunate when we went thru sadness or bitterness. We have to learn how to stand up after each fall... it might be pain for us to take but if we able to endure, our chance of falling down again will be lowered. If we fall again, we then have the experience to stand up again....

I just hope I am strong enough to face this...

[Guest Life Searcher]

It has been2 days since I last wrote on this post... I am trying to search my thoughts and feel. I wanted to know what I want, accept it and honour it.

2 days to come before Valentine... This could be a happy day for me, else it will the other way... I have tried not to think too much or expect too much.. sometimes.. when we expect too high, the pain will be deeper.. who knows?? You will be extra happy if any bonus comes thru...

Mr. W and I spent a solid 10 hours together on Tuesday.... we have great time together for our make love session, massage for him, enjoying wine together, listening to our favorite music, dinner, take a stroll in a park, take a ride on a ferry and etc... This is really one of the most beautiful day I have in recent years... I just hope this dream won't be awaken too soon... I know no matter how sweet a dream could be.. we have to wake up but I should try to make this dream comes truth. A wise old man tell me this:

"Is ok if you tried and failed but never fails to dream"

Is great to see and feel you have a goal ahead for you to strive for rather than an empty shell alone... and at the end of our life, we should have enough experience to feel fulfill.

Mr. W has once again shown me his love and concerns... we do feel the importance of each other now and I can see he is trying very hard to fork out more time for me... I should be contented.. When I saw him put on the new jacket and belt I bought for him, I felt so fortunate and happy that he is appreciating all the things I have done for him.

I told him I undertand where i stand and his difficuties in juggling between family, partner and myself... Is not easy and I don't want to overs stress him. A truth love should be a thougthful self... we should have space for them to breath and not letting them to feel suffocated. Although, i miss him badly the days I don't get to see him.... I will miss him from my heart and remember the smile that is on his face...

日思夜想

媚态重现

我见灿烂

忘我境界

[Guest Life Searcher]

This morning I am not sure whether Mr. W will meet me or not... but still I waited patientially for his call. Although, we only have about 2 hours for a coffee before he needs to meet his partner later. He accompanied me to buy this laptop and we went to a hotel lounge for coffee. We started to show each other the poems we have written for each other, which express our misses and love of each other. We were both very happy and he started to share with me some of his past...... his family problems and the things he went thru with the wife and sons... I strated to feel so painful to hear that he indeed has went thru alot and suffered for years. He told me he has never shared this past to anyone ... not even his partner of 10 years... He normally just go out with his partner for coffee, shopping and of course, sex with him. Mr. W told me he normally don't share his happiness, sadness or even share the interest with him. I guess he don't even know why he is sharing this experience with me... perhaps we have alot more conversation and we shared alot on thoughts, interest. Even myself... I am not a person that easily express my sadness and troubleness with friends or even relatives. I rather cry alone at night or even get myself drank sometimes but facing him... I feel so fortunate to be able to share with him my happiness, sadness, angry, jealous, moody and etc.. I feel my heart is open for him and I don't wish to hide anything from him... He just has the magic to let me fall for him, trust him and love him...

Now I just wish Mr. W will awlays be happy... I hope he will not need to suffer anymore for his family matters and etc... I just want him to be happy with me.. and always happy......

[Guest Guest]

You should be happy. He is physically with his wife and partner all the time but his heart is with you. Your old man is a responsible man. He has a married vow to his wife and is obligated to be with her. He was with his partner for many years. He feel responsible to stay with him because he think he has taken away his youth and time. So he feel he owe him. They (wife and partner) have his shell. At least you have his yoke. So be happy lah. I know of relaltionship where both partner are together because they have been lau fu lau qi for so long, they just stay together and sex together for the sake of this. But their love is somewhere else.

[butterfly]

Dear friends,

i donot have to time to read all the message above.

But i have been thru this relationship , it was a very painful, tearful and depressed experience.

I spent so much time with him, cooked for him , buy Christmas present and birthday present for him , and all kind of concern i gave to him. I showered him with all my love too.

Now he refused to received all my call and sms.....

I felt so heartbroken and the relationship is over.

I was very emotion and went into depression.

My Love for him is Over,

My heart is broken.

Goodbye with my tears

Gone with my soul.

Do not enter into relationship, it is very hurtful and emotional.

At the moment , i am still recovering with the depress medicine from the doctor.

[Guest Life Searcher]

You should be happy. He is physically with his wife and partner all the time but his heart is with you. Your old man is a responsible man. He has a married vow to his wife and is obligated to be with her. He was with his partner for many years. He feel responsible to stay with him because he think he has taken away his youth and time. So he feel he owe him. They (wife and partner) have his shell. At least you have his yoke. So be happy lah. I know of relaltionship where both partner are together because they have been lau fu lau qi for so long, they just stay together and sex together for the sake of this. But their love is somewhere else.

Thank you so much.. I feel that too. In fact, if he leaves his wife or partner immediately, I will feel disappointed that he is a heartless man but now I feel so happy that he will awlays try to fork out his time for me. He will accompany me for coffee break (just an hour or two) for twice a week and meet a longer time for another 2 times... So I should feel contented. In fact, we have arranged to have a morning excercise tomorrow and accompany him to meet his partner before I wait for him again in the evening...

No matter what..I just hope Mr. W, my dream man will awlays stay healthy & happy always... I just want to be by his side whenever he is happy, sad... I just want to share with him all his feel.. Lovez...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear friends,

i donot have to time to read all the message above.

But i have been thru this relationship , it was a very painful, tearful and depressed experience.

I spent so much time with him, cooked for him , buy Christmas present and birthday present for him , and all kind of concern i gave to him. I showered him with all my love too.

Now he refused to received all my call and sms.....

I felt so heartbroken and the relationship is over.

I was very emotion and went into depression.

My Love for him is Over,

My heart is broken.

Goodbye with my tears

Gone with my soul.

Do not enter into relationship, it is very hurtful and emotional.

At the moment , i am still recovering with the depress medicine from the doctor.

Dear Butterfly,

I hope you will recover from your hurtful and emotional stress soon. I really can understand how you feel but try to recall all the sweet memories you have with him. Please do not have hatred for him.... I know you have love him deeply. Perhaps you can read what "Please forgive me" written above for me. I think this is useful for you and I know it can help to heal you.

I guess you must have thought of this ending when you were with him right?? I am sure he did love you before and perhaps circumstances

let go the burden or sadness in your heart my dear friend... you will feel so much better. To let go, perhaps is a good beginning. I don't think medicine can really help you in long term... is how you use your mind and heart to see things though. I am sure you can do it ... be strong enough to face it and there are many people here who will give you our moral support.

I have also went thru serious thought of pulling myself back from this relationship but I just can't control my emotional. That is why I decided to accept and face it with courage.. I know I have to prepare all the consequences which might happen to me... I am not sure how I will take but at this moment, I want to experience it in my life. This is the first time, I feel love is so strong and I know I may fall anytime but at least we have a moment of true LOVE. That is something many people may not even have a chance to try.

Try not to live your darkness or unhappy past. Be strong and face it...(who knows.. you may say the same thing to me in future).

May you be happy, hopeful and the feeling of love again...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Happy Valentine to all.... and my love one..

Early morning, 6.30 a.m. I woke up and took a cab to Mr. W, my dream man's neighbourhood as we plan to have a morning stroll in the sport staduim. Our appointment is 7.30 a.m. but as I am too anxious to see him, I left my house early. The moment I was about to get down from the taxi, I saw him waiting patientially for me. He gave me a kiss and says "Happy Valentine" to me which melts my hear. We spend about an hour in the stadium. We have a stroll there... we chat... laugh... telling jokes and even share our dreams... After that, we have breakfast together in a very nice cafe. While enjoying our breakfast, we still have some chance to have a good feel of each other... I think this has really been one of the most beautiful breakfast I had for very long time...

Later, I will accompany him for a MRT ride to meet his 10 years partner... I know I may struggle my feeling later when he is going to meet his partner while I have to take the train back alone... Is like sending off your love one to another person but as a 3rd party... what rights do I have?? I just have to accept the fact and release my hand for time being.. I know what they will do later which will torments my heart... The only thing which makes me feel much better or consoling is he will be meeting me again in the late evening...

No matter what now.. I just wish to spend more time with him...

[GachiMuchi]

Just be careful. Lots of nosy ppl waiting to take pics of you holding hands and kissing "good morning" and posting it on STOMP.

[butterfly]

Dear life searcher,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and the understanding.

We do have sweet memories and enjoyed the time we were together. I do not hated him but love him dearly. I have been writtten sms to him for forgiveness on anything that i have done wrong but there is no response. I am always looking forward to see him again. I will pretend nothing happening if he is willing to come back to me.

U are right that i have thought of this ending when i was with him . And also this ws the first time that the love was so strong and i was so emotional. The separation make me very depressed that i almost thinking of ending my life. But i have to carry on..... The lonilness is very miserable. Now , i have tried to occupy myself and bury myself with work , etc.

May i wish u a happy and joyful relationship.

Thanks u so much.

[Guest Life Searcher]

Just be careful. Lots of nosy ppl waiting to take pics of you holding hands and kissing "good morning" and posting it on STOMP.

Sure sure... we will be very extra careful... since we saw the cab driver's photo....

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear life searcher,

Thanks so much for the encouragement and the understanding.

We do have sweet memories and enjoyed the time we were together. I do not hated him but love him dearly. I have been writtten sms to him for forgiveness on anything that i have done wrong but there is no response. I am always looking forward to see him again. I will pretend nothing happening if he is willing to come back to me.

U are right that i have thought of this ending when i was with him . And also this ws the first time that the love was so strong and i was so emotional. The separation make me very depressed that i almost thinking of ending my life. But i have to carry on..... The lonilness is very miserable. Now , i have tried to occupy myself and bury myself with work , etc.

May i wish u a happy and joyful relationship.

Thanks u so much.

Dear Butterfly,

I am confiident and sure you could get over this depression and find your new love and hope again. Although, I am not sure my own how I will react if I lose this relationship. I guess life still has to goes on.. . just remember you do live normal before this man enter into your life.. so things are just back to starting point.

Maybe I am really not the best person hear to comment this as I am deeply into this complicated relationship too... I just do hope my dream won't be awake that early and I will be able to handle from dusk till dawn..

May you find your new love and life again...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Days and weeks past by easily each day... It is 4 months now since I met Mr. W... and we have been into this complicated relationship for 4 months... Started with some fond thoughts of him to loving him and now that I deeply love him more than all the past relationships that I have. He is the 1st man who makes me fall in love with him so much that I do even see or peep other handsome matures these days...

Loving him... I discover different tastes sour, sweet, bitter, spicy. Different mood... 喜怒哀乐,疯狂.

喜重心生, 因遇你.

怒不看言, 愤自焚

哀思夜想, 挂念你

乐此不疲, 只因爱

Although, nobody knows or cn gurantee how the relationship will turns out... we should know how to face it and learn from each relationship.

I went for an overseas business trip for 2 days.. normally I will plan to stay back for another a day or 2 just to make the schedule slightly more flexible and chances for me to look around or relax. However, I barely have 36 hours for this trip. As I wanted to have a morning jog with Mr. W on Sunday morning, I changed my flight to the afternoon. After my conference in the Monday afternoon, I went for some shopping... and all I can think of is Mr. W. I got him a set of excercise jacket.. some classical music CDs (our favorite) and etc...

At night, I can't wait to see him although I know there maybe chance his partner will ask him out for coffee again and I won't have chance to see him immediately when I am back, I am prepare to give a try. That day... i really can't sleep... woke up 3 times that night 1.55 a.m., 3.45 a.m. and 5.30 a.m.. I am so scare to miss my fly back to see him. Being a frequent traveller, i shouldn't have this problem at all.

Anyway, back home in Airport, I was waiting for his call... and I started to feel disappointed and kept asking myself why am I doing that for?? It was till when I reached home, he called and said he is on the way to my home. Although, we barely have an hour or so to meet before he needs to meet his parnter for a coffee I feel touched an contented as he really plan every possibility to see me. He also plan to comes back immediately after the coffee. So, I accompany him to his meeting place and went back home to wait for him patientially.

We have great time and a nice dinner together before seeing him home. At this moment, everything seems so beautiful to me.. I start to afraid losing it now...

[thaiboyz]

We have great time and a nice dinner together before seeing him home. At this moment, everything seems so beautiful to me.. I start to afraid losing it now...

While both of you are still fond of each other, enjoy and treasure your time with him. Try your best to mark down all the beautiful memories along the way. As nothing is permanent, you must also get prepared to let go when the day comes. Remember, when there is a beginning, there must be an ending, its just a matter of time :smokin:

[Guest Life Searcher]

While both of you are still fond of each other, enjoy and treasure your time with him. Try your best to mark down all the beautiful memories along the way. As nothing is permanent, you must also get prepared to let go when the day comes. Remember, when there is a beginning, there must be an ending, its just a matter of time :smokin:

Thank you very much Thaiboyz... I am trying to cherish all the moment we have now... and lock into my memories...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Today.. Mr W said he will not meet me because he needs to stay at home to entertain his family members. I was waited for his call since morning, afternoon and when I almost give up, Mr. W called me to ask how my work carry on and said he do not want to disturb me in work. He realize I have spent alot of time to be with him and he is afraid that we neglect my work. I gave him the assurance that I have always prepared all my work ready before meeting him. In fact, I will try to work even at night back home since I want to fork out more time for him...

Eventhough, we barely have an hour or so.. we met for coffee and we took a bus ride again back home.. to me... this 1.5 hour meeting with him has make my day... I realize never happiness and fortunate can really that simple... Let many others I have tried to fight very work hard in work for both $$$ and position... We often neglect some of the very simple, yet important things to us in life....A coffee with a love one sounds easy to achieve but to many, this may no longer be a second chance for many others...

I will really do anything to love him longer...

[Guest Life .... Keep Searching]

Your thread struck me at first because Mr W you describe sounds almost exactly like my long term partner, except that mine does not speak Chinese. If you will accept my advice, let me also tell you that you should put very careful thought on whether you should continue with the relationship or not.

Why I feel equipped to tell you the above is because I have seen all that you have described before. And when I was younger and much more naive, I did actually believe them. A brief description for you: my partner is also married with kids. I have been with him almost 20 years. We are now like an old married couple, and see each other almost everyday. In recent years I have tolerated him having a succession of new young men keeping him company and even joining our outings. I am fine with this as it keeps him entertained. I have no bad feelings towards these young men. I have even liked (as younger brothers) some of them. But in the end I always feel sorry for them when they are traded in for a newer model.

A few points you may wish to consider:

1. If he can keep you a secret from his bf and his wife; he can, and probably will, also keep a new young man in future secret from you.

2. If he feels he cannot bring you to posh restaurants, he believes that you are not his social equal. This will mean that your relationship will always be based only on sex. And we all know how long relationships based on sex will last.

3. What he told you about the bf threatening to commit suicide etc may or may not be true. From my experience, it is probably only an excuse in order to give him some manoeuvuring space. If in future you and he have a fight, or he finds new hot young man, and he needs space, he will probably come up with other excuses such as, "my wife is becoming suspicious, so I cannot see you for a while" etc.

4. You are obviously absorbed in puppy love and not thinking straight. It appears this may be the first serious relationship you have had? If so you should seek out a close and emotionally mature friend to ask his advice. Then you must sit back and coldly use only your brain to assess it. Don't use your only heart, it can be very unreliable in such circumstances.

5. Most importantly remember that there are many experienced men out there who will take advantage of a young man's naivete. After you have given him the hot sex and the flattering attention, he will probably move on to a new conquest. If you are prepared for this eventual outcome, then I don't see why you can't enjoy the here and now.

XXX

Yesterday was really a very strange day for me... Why strange?? I guess is my confuse emotional feelings??

Like many of you have said... 纸是包不住火的....

/

/

/

/

Went home to listen to "Our" favorite music and start pouring in glass after glass of wine. Thinking to get into a good sleep and I shall recover when I am awake again...

[Guest Life Searcher]

Your thread struck me at first because Mr W you describe sounds almost exactly like my long term partner, except that mine does not speak Chinese. If you will accept my advice, let me also tell you that you should put very careful thought on whether you should continue with the relationship or not.

Why I feel equipped to tell you the above is because I have seen all that you have described before. And when I was younger and much more naive, I did actually believe them. A brief description for you: my partner is also married with kids. I have been with him almost 20 years. We are now like an old married couple, and see each other almost everyday. In recent years I have tolerated him having a succession of new young men keeping him company and even joining our outings. I am fine with this as it keeps him entertained. I have no bad feelings towards these young men. I have even liked (as younger brothers) some of them. But in the end I always feel sorry for them when they are traded in for a newer model.

A few points you may wish to consider:

1. If he can keep you a secret from his bf and his wife; he can, and probably will, also keep a new young man in future secret from you.

2. If he feels he cannot bring you to posh restaurants, he believes that you are not his social equal. This will mean that your relationship will always be based only on sex. And we all know how long relationships based on sex will last.

3. What he told you about the bf threatening to commit suicide etc may or may not be true. From my experience, it is probably only an excuse in order to give him some manoeuvuring space. If in future you and he have a fight, or he finds new hot young man, and he needs space, he will probably come up with other excuses such as, "my wife is becoming suspicious, so I cannot see you for a while" etc.

4. You are obviously absorbed in puppy love and not thinking straight. It appears this may be the first serious relationship you have had? If so you should seek out a close and emotionally mature friend to ask his advice. Then you must sit back and coldly use only your brain to assess it. Don't use your only heart, it can be very unreliable in such circumstances.

5. Most importantly remember that there are many experienced men out there who will take advantage of a young man's naivete. After you have given him the hot sex and the flattering attention, he will probably move on to a new conquest. If you are prepared for this eventual outcome, then I don't see why you can't enjoy the here and now.

XXX

Sorry.. it seems you are more scare than I do... I understand your feel for being the long term partner if the above points you mentioned above is valid then why are you still with him??

Just to answer a few points you have highlighted...

1) I have faith for him... he might have lie to his bf but he tells me everything...

2) He did not bring me to any posh restaurant - I really don't need that... I can afford it myself...moreover I feel very happy and fortunate even we have only simple meals or coffee .. so is not really a matter to me.. Moreover, we share things and interest more than just sex... we share alot of common interest...

3) I am not afraid of this.. as I see changes now..

4) You might have skipped my previous post... I have experience in relationship before and i certainly can tell what is from my heart and mind... by the way.. don't you agree all love should comes from heart... if you try to calculate all love.. then is not love...

5) Agreed with that.. but don't be worry... I know Mr. W rather in depth now..

Also.. I am pretty sure Mr. W is not your long term partner..... is just that there are many married man out here who has BF....

[Guest LIfe Searcher]

Missing a person could be really painful or lovely... When you are with your love one, you will feel even 10 hours goes by so quickly without notice... and when he is not with you... 30 mins are too much for me... I know we all have to learn how to release and give private space to each other... I know absence makes the heart fonder... and each time.... when we have to depart.. i feel so unbearable.. meeting him each time.. make me excited but yet asking myself when would be the next time or chance...

I guess.. my love for him is really really deep now.. i start doubting myself..whether I can handle if he really leave me one day..

[MobyDick]

Hi Life Searcher,

Instead of waiting for his call and spending time think of him, why don't you go out and meet more people and friends. You might realised that there are many people out there who loves and care for you more tha Mr W.. (like some of the BW members here).

Even though you are attached, that does not stop you from meeting and knowing more gay friends.. they might be the ones who will lead you to a happier life. Your life should not revolve around your partner... get up, get out and get to know more friends!

为着你今仔日欲来找我

对早上等到深夜

阮总是相信你会甲阮来作伴

犹原无影无迹

我不敢相信那无你甘会生活

按怎渡我的生命

寒风也冷袂过你对的心肝

那堪糟蹋着我

爱到你心惊惊

想到你心痛痛

但是我无法度将感情收煞

看到你爱别人就亲像你爱我

按怎拢袂心痛

爱到你心惊惊

想到你心痛痛

我已经无资格对你讲条件

等别人对待你就亲像你对我

爱到才知痛

[Guest Life Searcher]

Hi Life Searcher,

Instead of waiting for his call and spending time think of him, why don't you go out and meet more people and friends. You might realised that there are many people out there who loves and care for you more tha Mr W.. (like some of the BW members here).

Even though you are attached, that does not stop you from meeting and knowing more gay friends.. they might be the ones who will lead you to a happier life. Your life should not revolve around your partner... get up, get out and get to know more friends!

Thanks MobyDick for your recommendation.... By the way is the lyrics a hokkien or cantonese song??

Perhaps I am a more undisclose gay... I have never really went to cruise around and etc... even these 2 days.. i do bump into a Japanese Mature and 2 older uncles near my work or home... we exchange eye contact but I just did not want or have the heart to pursue further... I know my heart is with Mr. W... I don't wish to betray him... Yes.. I do belive there are still many good uncles, daddies, matures here... Maybe i just didn't have luck to meet anyone here..

[Guest Life Searcher]

Don't know why today my emotional feeling is particularly strong.. maybe is affected a little by what the other member like LW has written here. Then my guilty feeling starts to rise from my heart... in the morning Mr. W called me as usual... and I just have a feeling that our meeting today might have some changes (it just my six sense)... In the end, later in the morning, Mr. W called me again and said his partner has requested to meet him for a coffee again in the afternoon... My feeling sinks even though I know this might happen.. Mr. W then asked whether I still wish to meet him for two hours or so or not after lunch ... not knowing what to do and I have really no heart to turn him down... I accepted his suggestion without any excited feeling... I started to feel depress.. why am I always have to be the one who give way/s... why can't I just have him in total .... i started to think in a selfish way...

At the same time, I started to question myself who am I to ask for more? what am i doing? ansd why should I always comprise all things... I completely lose my appetite in both breakfast and lucnh. However, i really wish to see Mr W... still without pride... I went to our meeitng...

I guess he could sense my little upset or disappointment.. he try to comfort me and as usual.. I can't resist him or can't have the heart to angry or throw my temper on him.. In the end we just have a coffee and chat... stupid and silly enough, I accompany him to take train to meet his partner again before turning back home. The feeling of seeing your love one to meet another one is bad.. really bad.. sucks ...really sucks... is likeyou are sucking thousands and thousands of smelly sour lemon... Mr. W encourage me to go for a drink with my collegues like before in most Firday evening...but since knowing him, I have lose my mood in having this type of life where I ha

[Guest Life Searcher]

I have lose my mood in having this type of social drinking life with collegues whereby I have to party with girls and etc...I know what I want now...

After sending him off.. i took a train back home and all sorts of feeling come back to me...

盗抢情人，偷人之心。

罪大恶极，人人皆骂。

情到浓时，欲霸不能。

不理世族，真爱无敌。

金石良缘，望能成果。

At this moment... I really can't let go of him.. I have never thought of letting him go.. I know this could be scary as I am afraid too....

[Guest LW]

Dear Life Searcher,

Sorry to affect you due to my posting.

I have another advice for you again. Don't left out your friends from your life. Mr. W maybe your bf. But, you still need friends in your life even you're just have them for the sake of social communicating. At the very least, being with friends can give one some feeling of be companied.

Don't follow my foot steps. I have choose to avoid my most of friends and closed myself up. I chose to avoid much talking with my classmates, not call and sms my friends so that they will not call you too, walking mindlessly alone to anywhere... But, the feeling of being eat up by loneliness is the worst one. I can now staringto the wall for like half an hours with my mind blank, and then suddenly break down and cry for nothing but the fact that I'm very lonely.

I don't know how to communicate my true self with the world anymore. I find myself very fake till the level that I don't even know who am I anymore. If I have choose to at least spend some more time with some of my friends in the first place, I will not end up like what I am now.

So, try to go out sometime with your straight or gay friends as friends are there for the sake of friends and also for your own sake too.

[Guest Please Forgive Me]

Dear Life Searcher,

It is empowering to hear that you have learned to take charge of your life. But, please do understand the term 'take charge'. It is not about to take control of external factors nor the desire to exercise dominating influence on others. It is not about controlling, and restricting, Mr W's lifestyle but learning to live in acceptance of all things around you. To take charge of what you want and to accept the decisions and responsibilities that come with them. And not, by imposing them on others.

When we take charge of our lives, we instill self determination. We infuse beliefs that allow us to engage in goal-directed and self-regulated behaviour. It brings us an understanding of our strengths and limitations. And, together with our conviction, to lend us to greater ability to oversee our lives and assume a life filled with harmony.

You are doing fine, Life Searcher. Nobody says that life is without problems. Nor troubles. We just need them to learn. To guide us into a better person. To accept. To forgive. It is how we apply self determination, and then to understand our abilities and disabilities, that will release us from fretting small things.

Know what makes you happy, Life Searcher. Know what drives you to act and react [your actions]. But before you play to your strength, you need to know the paradigm shift within you. Are your actions based on your mental knowledge or emotional governance?

Your past experiences will guide you. But first, judge yourself. Is your mind a better synthesis to think, and act, positive or is it your heart? Follow the one, based on your past experiences, to guide you.

As I have mentioned before - Thinking IS a burden. To live life, we need to be in it and not participating from observation. You cannot be an audience and a participant at the same time. Avoid overanalyse everything to the point where the good things can become bad. And the bad becomes worse. When you are with Mr W, just create a life together. Create the lessons to share. Experience the new awareness. Build esteem. Smell the rose. Needless to say, learn to grow, and respond, with faith.

And the same goes when he is not around you. Yes, waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. When you are alone, you become even more alone. It is how the universe conspires - not to punish us but characterized the vibrational rhythm of our thoughts.

Time and tide wait for none. You need to realise the importance of time. It is as important as life itself. What makes a life is not the whole life at one go. Rather, it consists of moments stitched together. We should live life in parts. Start to enjoy your life cos you will never be able to when times change. Being alive and living is a totally different thing. Time should never be wasted.

Being in love is one thing but you have to continue living. You have your family. You have your job and business trips. You have your friends and social interactions. You cannot just stop everything. You cannot just throw them away. You cannot deny your existence. You cannot rob someone else to sustain your livelihood.

You have (so far) learned to accept Mr W. You have acknowledged your life path. But do keep reminding yourself that it takes a lifetime to know somebody. Love can fail when we start to judge the lives of others. When we want others to change for us. Mr W has lived his life and developed his own set of values. His own psychological perimeters. And so have you. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.

Your journey with Mr W is a new point. Both must learn to compromise a balance. To create new shared values. Don't stop communicating even when it is trivial. We will only embrace the purity of life when we allow the unexpected to take place.

Life Searcher, tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream. When you look for love courageously, it reveals itself.

I know it is not easy for you to stay focus. Not when you think that almost everything is working against you. Please forgive me for saying this, Life Searcher:

Your dream will just be another dream until you learn to love yourself. Until you have the courage

- to learn to stay happy and not expecting more or less;

- to give gratitude for what LIFE has given to you thus far;

- to accept the life journey that you have created for yourself;

- to honour life.

In the words of Paulo Coelho, "But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."

My prayers are with you.

[Guest Lame]

I would love to see how Mr W. looks like.. LOL... its actually dam gross for me to think of seeing a 35 and a 69 year old guy together kissing.. I mean.. doesn't his dentures get in the way?