Hurtful Gay Life...?

[waterballoon]

Wow I honestly never knew how complicated relationships can get... I thought mine was bad enough lol!

I have not had sex with another man, even those whom I love, because UNFORTUNATELY for me, all of them are straight... =.="

But this current one... he's straight too, but we're friends... okay I don't know about that either. Of course, I don't dare to give you any advice on some of your problems, but all I can tell you is...

1) Be contented for everything. For me, I just think 'As long as I can see him, it's good enough'. And always, he surprises me with a lot of small things... and yes, for me, even small things are precious memories.

2) Don't expect too much. I think you know this too, but yeah, don't expect a lot from this Mr. W... because the greater the expectation, the more painful the disappointment is.

3) Don't think too much about his wife. Honestly, he has already taken time out etc to be with you... so don't make yourself feel sad by thinking of his wife, and how she's with him and all that... just be contented and happy, and cherish every second you are with him.

Also, I assume that you really love Mr. W, and remember that true love is wanting that person to be happy and be himself.

The most important thing is not to pressurize him in any way whatsoever... don't demand him for anything cos I mean the pressure on him will be very great... bear in mind that you are his "mistress", so to maintain this extra-marital affair AND his wife is something that requires a lot of pressure. So yeah, just try not to give him any pressure.

But again, your relationship has sex involved... and well sex always complicates things, so I dare not say anything about this aspect of your relationship, especially when I've never had sex with someone I love yet.

[Guest Life Searcher]

Dear Please Forgive Me,

Miss your reply really much! Where have you been? You are almost my light in the dark tunnel... Some how you almost always able to let me look at things in different angles and aspect of life... i do really greatly appreciate that... I understand what you mean by "take charge".. and trust me is not my intention at all to restrict Mr. W or his life.. I guess is when you love a person deeper, you then will expect or hope more from him... I have told Mr. W about this feeling and even apologise to him for doing so. He fully understood my feelings... Even thought many times, I feel terrible to let him go to meet his partner ... I know I have to accept and respect that... that is why I will just go and do something to divert the time or attention.

Dear Life Searcher,

It is empowering to hear that you have learned to take charge of your life. But, please do understand the term 'take charge'. It is not /

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/

/

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be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for."

My prayers are with you.

I know I still have many things ahead for me to learn and to encounter.. I hope with my love for Mr. W is enough for me to face all the challenges ahead...

为了他，我愿意尝试。为了爱，我已准备付出。

[Guest Life]

Sorry.. i have probably use the quote wrongly.. Below is the full relpy for PLease Forgive Me.

Dear Please Forgive Me,

Miss your reply really much! Where have you been? You are almost my light in the dark tunnel... Some how you almost always able to let me look at things in different angles and aspect of life... i do really greatly appreciate that... I understand what you mean by "take charge".. and trust me is not my intention at all to restrict Mr. W or his life.. I guess is when you love a person deeper, you then will expect or hope more from him... I have told Mr. W about this feeling and even apologise to him for doing so. He fully understood my feelings... Even thought many times, I feel terrible to let him go to meet his partner ... I know I have to accept and respect that... that is why I will just go and do something to divert the time or attention.

(P) When we take charge of our lives, we instill self determination. We infuse beliefs that allow us to engage in goal-directed and self-regulated behaviour. It brings us an understanding of our strengths and limitations. And, together with our conviction, to lend us to greater ability to oversee our lives and assume a life filled with harmony.

I hope I can do that.. strange enought.. Mr. W seems to notice my feeling very easily.. he knows I am feeling disappointed or upset even I tried to pretend happily nothig happen.... Is also my least wishes to see Mr. W tired or upset... he always says he will be more upset if he knows I am not happy or disappointed. Is like he can feel me from remote.... Whenever, I see him smile or laugh.. all my troubles, suffers and etc will just diminish or disappear...

I am really enjoying all these moments with Mr. W. I learn alot of experience from him.. He shared his life with me and I agreed that I shouldn't always overanalyse things.. and sometimes think too much on the bad side...

(P) You are doing fine, Life Searcher. Nobody says that life is without problems. Nor troubles. We just need them to learn. To guide us into a better person. To accept. To forgive. It is how we apply self determination, and then to understand our abilities and disabilities, that will release us from fretting small things.

Yes... I agreed in total with you.. I am learning this part.. I am not blaming anyone or asking why am I in this stage.. I am just trying to learn to accept this...

(P) Know what makes you happy, Life Searcher. Know what drives you to act and react [your actions]. But before you play to your strength, you need to know the paradigm shift within you. Are your actions based on your mental knowledge or emotional governance?

Sometimes, I am really wondering this too... is always my practical mind Vs my emotional... not knowing why I always feel more emotional towards him...

(P) Being in love is one thing but you have to continue living. You have your family. You have your job and business trips. You have your friends and social interactions. You cannot just stop everything. You cannot just throw them away. You cannot deny your existence. You cannot rob someone else to sustain your livelihood.

Mr. W loves to hear I am concentrating and working well in my work. He adores smart person and i work even harder to prove to him that he has not make a wrong choice.. and in fact days when I know I won;t be seeing him, I will try to work extra harder so that I can clear all my work before next seeing him.. I will plan my overseas trips ( I have really alot of such trips) when he is busy or away with family. I try to plan my schedule better or suit his timing.. in this case, we won;t crush our timing and yet we can fully enjoy when we next meet. in fact, he becomes my source of energy to push my work and career further. I want him to know, not only he has not slowed me down but he has able to encourage me to challenge myself. I want to do him proud..

(P) Your journey with Mr W is a new point. Both must learn to compromise a balance. To create new shared values. Don't stop communicating even when it is trivial. We will only embrace the purity of life when we allow the unexpected to take place.

I believe we have to continue to explore that further and in fact.. he is really the 1st man that I will be dare enough to admit my gay status to family or friends..

I know I still have many things ahead for me to learn and to encounter.. I hope with my love for Mr. W is enough for me to face all the challenges ahead...

为了他，我愿意尝试。为了爱，我已准备付出。

p.s. Please Forgive me... You seems to have lots of experience in life... you willing to share with us or me???

[Guest Life Searcher]

I would love to see how Mr W. looks like.. LOL... its actually dam gross for me to think of seeing a 35 and a 69 year old guy together kissing.. I mean.. doesn't his dentures get in the way?

Dear LAME,

First of all...I need to let you know.. LOVE has no age limit, age difference, religion, gender, family background or etc.. else, this is not love...

Also well.. how to discribe my kiss with this irressitable.. 69 years old man..?? He is just unbelievable... and he has perfect tooth without any dentures needed.. well.. it was a little yellowish last time... but now is almost pearly white..after my transformation...

Also... I can tell you.. he is so atrractive to me that I even forgo a very nice handsome Japanese daddy two days ago.. when he was smiling and hinting me... (trust me.. if I have met him 4 months ago.. i won;t let him off) but now.. no way.. I just have my Mr. W and I will be very contented..

[Guest Life Searcher]

Wow I honestly never knew how complicated relationships can get... I thought mine was bad enough lol!

I have not had sex with another man, even those whom I love, because UNFORTUNATELY for me, all of them are straight... =.="

But this current one... he's straight too, but we're friends... okay I don't know about that either. Of course, I don't dare to give you any advice on some of your problems, but all I can tell you is...

1) Be contented for everything. For me, I just think 'As long as I can see him, it's good enough'. And always, he surprises me with a lot of small things... and yes, for me, even small things are precious memories.

2) Don't expect too much. I think you know this too, but yeah, don't expect a lot from this Mr. W... because the greater the expectation, the more painful the disappointment is.

3) Don't think too much about his wife. Honestly, he has already taken time out etc to be with you... so don't make yourself feel sad by thinking of his wife, and how she's with him and all that... just be contented and happy, and cherish every second you are with him.

Also, I assume that you really love Mr. W, and remember that true love is wanting that person to be happy and be himself.

The most important thing is not to pressurize him in any way whatsoever... don't demand him for anything cos I mean the pressure on him will be very great... bear in mind that you are his "mistress", so to maintain this extra-marital affair AND his wife is something that requires a lot of pressure. So yeah, just try not to give him any pressure.

But again, your relationship has sex involved... and well sex always complicates things, so I dare not say anything about this aspect of your relationship, especially when I've never had sex with someone I love yet.

Dear Waterballon,

You might think I am in bad sutation or R/S now.. even I think so previously .. but when things start to get sorted out.. is actually not as bad... although sometimes you really need to know how to handle emotional feelings..

I have your above experience before too... when I fall in love with someone who is not gay..or at least I never thought they were gays.... But you never knows... They could be PLU or they may be BI .. or even they will just accept sex, your body, service but no love...

I think first of all..you have to sort our the difference between Make Love and Sex.. Sex is just a insertion or a process... but to me Make Love .... is you haev extra feelings to feel the both of you become one... is a great feeling to feel Make Love... because you know when he sucks you or etc.. is because they love you, they know you enjoy and they want you to get the pleasure too... is more than just trying to jerk someone off... I guess you are in your early 20s?? I have went thru that and even have the same feeling before.. but maybe I was little more successful previously...

Well.. you are young.. and i am in my 30s.. I need more than just its look or sex....

[maturemedium]

Day 1 - without him - Saturday again...

......Today is Sat, I am sure Mr. W will need to meet his partner so I tired all I could to occupy my afternoon so that I would not have any chance to think about him. ......

Day 3 without him - 1st day of CNY

...... I was very happy initially till he said he even have to imagine he was making love to me when he met hs partner last night. My hearts sink... and confuse.. Should be happy, proud or ????

1st....You are keeping yourself busy so that you dont have to think about him meeting his Bf on Sat??

I dont understand? You knew he is meeting his bf Sat, so you do remember that, It's on the calender. So how could you not think of by keeping yourself busy?

2nd.. He have the cheek to tell you he is thinking about you when he make love to his Bf?

What advice do you want people here to give you?...But I guess you don't care cos you're in love.

Come on.. you're in your 30s!! Grow up!! and of course..Good luck to you.

3rd...You are basically writing your blog here..

Edited March 1, 2009 by maturemedium

[waterballoon]

Dear Waterballon,

You might think I am in bad sutation or R/S now.. even I think so previously .. but when things start to get sorted out.. is actually not as bad... although sometimes you really need to know how to handle emotional feelings..

I have your above experience before too... when I fall in love with someone who is not gay..or at least I never thought they were gays.... But you never knows... They could be PLU or they may be BI .. or even they will just accept sex, your body, service but no love...

I think first of all..you have to sort our the difference between Make Love and Sex.. Sex is just a insertion or a process... but to me Make Love .... is you haev extra feelings to feel the both of you become one... is a great feeling to feel Make Love... because you know when he sucks you or etc.. is because they love you, they know you enjoy and they want you to get the pleasure too... is more than just trying to jerk someone off... I guess you are in your early 20s?? I have went thru that and even have the same feeling before.. but maybe I was little more successful previously...

Well.. you are young.. and i am in my 30s.. I need more than just its look or sex....

Well yes, I don't believe in 'sex'... it's more like 'making love' to me. I mean I know I would only do it with someone I really love, and not do it for the sake of doing it, but more like the bonding, I suppose.

So I know what it's like for you. I hope you'll feel happy with this relationship, because I can feel it's really love.

[Guest -snowball-]

maturemedium, most people 想证明自己爱得并不糊涂, they have alot of excuses to make himself 盲目, so they felt that they are actually 过的幸福并不是错误, we are all adult, only him himself know the truth the fact, i believe in 因果, he is the one who will facing the outcome at the end, what we can advice we had try our best, so nothing to do with us now, when people 陷入感情的深渊, to be honest, how many people can still be awake?

[Guest LIfe Searcher]

1st....You are keeping yourself busy so that you dont have to think about him meeting his Bf on Sat??

I dont understand? You knew he is meeting his bf Sat, so you do remember that, It's on the calender. So how could you not think of by keeping yourself busy?

2nd.. He have the cheek to tell you he is thinking about you when he make love to his Bf?

What advice do you want people here to give you?...But I guess you don't care cos you're in love.

Come on.. you're in your 30s!! Grow up!! and of course..Good luck to you.

3rd...You are basically writing your blog here..

Dear Maturemedium,

The above you quoted was probably a month ago... and to reply to your points above.

1st - Although I must admit I still have that type of strange feeling on Sat ... I am getting use to it and now accepting the fact... I know I am in no position to comment or demand anything. Perhaps you have left out my post earlier.. which states I didn't know he has a BF or partner of 10 years when we first met... is only after a few meeting, he confessed to me. Initially, it took me a while to accept this type of complicated Relationship and etc.. I even ask myself many times.. why am I a 3rd or 4th party... when actually I can be others No. 1.?? Like what you said.. maybe I am too in love and I am blind... but I tend to follow what "Please Forgive Me" has said... I accept my life.. and have to learn and experience it..

2nd - What can I said... Is nothing to be proud or happy about... and I think Mr. W mainly want to let me know his feel and is not trying to please me or what....

3rd Writing a blog? - Well... I have no intention to do that... sorry If that irritates you. My most initial intention was to ask the experience friends out here to share with me their views and experience. I was very confused then.. no where to go to.. no one to ask... and completely lost.. Like the other member, LW... I start asking myself why gay life is so tough... is there any truth love... why do I have to suffer... but now... many out here has help me to look clearer and in fact I know I am not alone here who has experience the same thing... In addition, I feel so much better each time after I write out my feeling or thoughts... Also, I mainly like to share.....

[Guest Life Searcher]

Well yes, I don't believe in 'sex'... it's more like 'making love' to me. I mean I know I would only do it with someone I really love, and not do it for the sake of doing it, but more like the bonding, I suppose.

So I know what it's like for you. I hope you'll feel happy with this relationship, because I can feel it's really love.

Yes.. Waterballoon... I think you are enyoing what you are doing now... slowly test the water and surprise may just come to your way... I am not too sure who your love one is.. but nothing is totally impossible unless he tell you outrightly..

[Guest Simpleman]

Dear Life Searcher,

Just continue doing what you are doing, be it sharing your current experience or the way you and Mr. W are loving each other. Everybody will have their say and opinions once you post your views and thoughts here. So be it. Live your life, love your life. Don't be jealous of Mr. W's partner. Be zealous with your love for him.

[Guest Life Searcher]

maturemedium, most people 想证明自己爱得并不糊涂, they have alot of excuses to make himself 盲目, so they felt that they are actually 过的幸福并不是错误, we are all adult, only him himself know the truth the fact, i believe in 因果, he is the one who will facing the outcome at the end, what we can advice we had try our best, so nothing to do with us now, when people 陷入感情的深渊, to be honest, how many people can still be awake?

Dear Snowball,

To be frank, before knowing Mr. W... I thought people who are blind in love are hopeless or useless... I never thought I will fall into this category... and when myself fall into the pit, I realized is really not so easy for you to pull back yourself.. especially after your true love for the person is so transparent and deep.... I have asked myself more than thousand times why do I love this man? why is he so special? Why should I be so faithful to him? .... I really don't know... I guess love really has no explaination... Some wise man told me...

人生难得糊涂....

Gachi Machi also send me something like this before:

人笑我痴,我偏痴...

[Guest -Life Searcher-]

I have just joined as member...but don't know why I can't log in and reply this post... Anyway.. not important

Mr. W will be away for holiday with his family this week.. Although, I miss him alot, I try to arrange all my work, meeting, overseas trip this week so that I can be free again when I next see him. This short separation could be good for us as this could strengthen our relationship. I have not stopped thinking of him since we last met on Sat... I spend my Sunday doing some shopping and surprisingly I bought a stack of CDs for Mr. W and I to enjoy.. what strange is.. I even bought a CD for Mr. W's wife... knowing she is a Carpenter's fan... Perhaps, I have never felt guilty towards his partner but more guilty to the wife... Also, I feel she deserves better treatment from Mr. W and perhaps this CD could please her a little... I want Mr. W to be happy and I know he will have more freedom or be happier if his wife don't give him any problem...

Guess many married man here faces the same issues... I will never blame or complain if Mr. W needs to be with his wife or family.. I think when you decided to start a relationship with a married man.. you need to know his constraint and possible problems..

Absence really makes the heart fonder... i just hope is not our of sight, out of mind... What I really can do now is drink a glass of red wine, listen to our favorite music at night and remember all the happy moments I have shared with Mr. W

[Guest Please Forgive Me]

.. but I tend to follow what "Please Forgive Me" has said... I accept my life.. and have to learn and experience it..

Err, what I said is not important, Life Searcher. It is WHAT YOU THINK [of it] that will make the difference. That's how we should learn in life. When we think it makes sense, and we can live with that decision, the path is easier. The struggle is lesser.

Do not follow blindly. You need to know what you are doing. Why are you doing it? What end result are you trying to achieve?

p.s. Please Forgive me... You seems to have lots of experience in life... you willing to share with us or me???

LOL, I am Mr W!!! Oh wait, I am a younger version of Mr W! Ah, hope that will put a smile on your face!

Nah, I am just another human being like you, Life Searcher. Life fascinates me and always so interested in the mysteries of life. It surprised me when I started to reply to your post. It started because I felt your confusion and the objective was to let you have a clarity of mind. To walk with you not to focus on the issue but the issue that you are having with yourself. I am a believer that we need to love ourselves first before we can love others.

With you, I am also learning.

[snowball]

人生难得糊涂....

Life Searcher, i don't know how you define as wise, maybe words of wisdom is something that only you like/want to hear & make you have the reason to continue the current relationship.

i think this is nothing to do with the thread " Hurtful Gay Life ", not all gays will want to stir with married guy or someone who already attach, even straight will have affair with someone married etc, i don't think 人生难得糊涂, actually you deeply know is wrong but you just don't want to let go, so all sort of excuses will coming to make you feel better, most people able to let go, just that they 不甘心放手.

i believe you truely Love him, but how long will that last, just hope won't turn out to be ugly at the end, though i not encourage this type of complicated relationship, however everyone have their right to fight for their happiness

[Guest -Life Searcher-]

Err, what I said is not important, Life Searcher. It is WHAT YOU THINK [of it] that will make the difference. That's how we should learn in life. When we think it makes sense, and we can live with that decision, the path is easier. The struggle is lesser.

Do not follow blindly. You need to know what you are doing. Why are you doing it? What end result are you trying to achieve?

LOL, I am Mr W!!! Oh wait, I am a younger version of Mr W! Ah, hope that will put a smile on your face!

Nah, I am just another human being like you, Life Searcher. Life fascinates me and always so interested in the mysteries of life. It surprised me when I started to reply to your post. It started because I felt your confusion and the objective was to let you have a clarity of mind. To walk with you not to focus on the issue but the issue that you are having with yourself. I am a believer that we need to love ourselves first before we can love others.

With you, I am also learning.

Ha ha... If you are Mr. W ... we probably will have the relationship runs much more smoothly... Yes... i do feel lots of confusion when I first started posting here.. I do not know what to do and how can i react... i was completely lost.. and that is why i feel so hurtful in gay life.... is not easy to be one.. however, after writing and sharing with many here... I realized there are many people here who share my experience... although there are many who did not agreed with me or think I am just trying to find excuses for carrying on.... well.. who do not hope to have a smooth and sweet love relationship...

Also, I believe there are many married man or gay here who only discover where they really belongs to after married for years... I suppose during their younger days... gay is not in dictionary or is too conservative for many to accept... as such.... they just follow what other straights are doing.. I do pity some of them who told me the story.. of course there are many out there just for fun...

'Please Forgive Me' - Is really glad to know you here and I feel we do share some views and points...!!! So you are Mr. W?? younger version? ? ha ha....

[maturemedium]

The above you quoted was probably a month ago... and to reply to your points above.

......... Perhaps you have left out my post earlier.. .......

I came to this topic when browsing thru' BW.. After reading the 1st and 2nd page with your.. probably daily or maybe weekly dairy and with the reply people gave you,.. I decided not to read any further. Your day to day account of your relationship with this Mr W is almost all the same... and would probably going no where. Any advice or reply is not going to do any difference. Seeking sympathy?... Not going to happen here and you would probably say it's not your intentions. Just want people to read your story?... Its getting dry.

Like I said b4.. Good luck and may you be blessed. :thumb:

Edited March 2, 2009 by maturemedium

[harylok]

I came to this topic when browsing thru' BW.. After reading the 1st and 2nd page with your.. probably daily or maybe weekly dairy and with the reply people gave you,.. I decided not to read any further. Your day to day account of your relationship with this Mr W is almost all the same... and would probably going no where. Any advice or reply is not going to do any difference. Seeking sympathy?... Not going to happen here and you would probably say it's not your intentions. Just want people to read your story?... Its getting dry.

Like I said b4.. Good luck and may you be blessed. :thumb:

Maybe it's more "worthwhile" to review the whole bizarre relationship 6-months or one year down the road & see how things progress ...

For those who r the close followers of this thread, do read the content with a light-heart. Hope that there's no wrong/unhealthy message bring across to the readers ...

btw. Coincidentally, I also know another Mr.W (a BI-married man /w kids). The only difference is that he was involve with a pure-gay couples and ended with a 3some relationship.

Hary

...

Edited March 3, 2009 by harylok

[Guest -Life Searcher-]

I came to this topic when browsing thru' BW.. After reading the 1st and 2nd page with your.. probably daily or maybe weekly dairy and with the reply people gave you,.. I decided not to read any further. Your day to day account of your relationship with this Mr W is almost all the same... and would probably going no where. Any advice or reply is not going to do any difference. Seeking sympathy?... Not going to happen here and you would probably say it's not your intentions. Just want people to read your story?... Its getting dry.

Like I said b4.. Good luck and may you be blessed. :thumb:

Well...Maturemedium, I can only say you are not in my shoe (or in many of our shoes), you may not understand how we feel. Anyway, everyone has their own choice to read or not to read.. There are many people here who also has similar experience which I thought is good for them to share... Anway.. I wish you good health and best of luck too.

[Guest -Life Searcher-]

Today is a 6th day since I last met Mr. W. He went for a family trip. The last few days have not being easy for me but I went along to do alot of things like working hard in my job and overseas trips. There were suppose alot of obstacles for our meeting as my boss asked me to attend lots of meetings today but I tried to finish everything by yesterday and this morning....

I took a cab to meet Mr. W for a brunch and while I was about to come out from the taxi, I saw Mr. W dressed up smartly waiting for me... Haven't seen him for 6 days... my feeling for him has not changed and in fact... there was a great miss for him... We were so happy and excited to see each other.. and after brunch, instead of doing some shopping which we orignally plan, we went straight home... I bought him quite a lot things during my overseas trips and he was teasing me bring the world back to him...

This afternoon... we make love for hours.. we kiss alot, hug and etc... jokes and even spending some time for chat... then I started to tell him about the post I write here and why do I start writing here... I saw tears dripping down from his eyes... I was scared initially and he told me he was too touched and can't held back his tears.... Then my tears started to drip down .. I was sad to see him cry for me... I felt sad suddenly when I feel so fortunate at that moment and afraid to lost it the next moment... He once again assured his love for me and will never leave me... Actually, I have learned to accept his position now and I will not try to ask him to leave his current partner as I believe time will tells and what belongs to you will evetually belongs to you. Although, I may still have some soury feelings on Sat or Sun.. or even jealousy... I will try to handle my emotional feeings...

Well.. there is something very special today... Mr. W brought me to his home as he knows his wife is not in today... He showed me some of his photos. collections and etc.. Although, I was littel worry his wife might just come back suddenly, I was very very happy as I felt my relationship with him is another step forward...

No matter what... I still looking forward so much to be with Mr. W as long as I could... lovez.. is just wonderful...

[Mandrake]

Thanks Life searcher for sharing your precious moments with us. Bless your courage in posting despite some negative feedbacks and greater courage for showing Mr W. what you have written here. I am touched. All the best to you and Mr W. May love see you through all obstacles. And may all obstacles give birth to miracles.

[GachiMuchi]

To Life Searcher,

I think by showing your post on BW you have just 刨开心房(open up your heart) for Mr. W to see.

I think he knows what he had done to you now.

Even though he see so many people advising you to leave him, etc. yet you hold on to the hopes of being with him.

Even though many shoot you for being stupid and unwise, etc. you only have thoughts of him.

If this Mr. W still dun know how to appreciate your 无私的真爱(Selfless love) then he don't deserve your love.

To Mr. W,

It is rare that another man, is as real in love and as stubborn as Life Searcher that are able to accept your position and situation. You are really a lucky person to have so many people to love you. You being a married man, your biggest responsibility is to your family and kids. As to your 2 boyfriends, I hope you treat them fair and well. Otherwise, a lot of us in BW will curse you should you do the unthinkable.

From

Gachi

[Life Searcher]

LifeSearcher:

You mentioned that your account registration had problem. I checked.

When you register, a confirmation email will be sent to your email you used for registration (a-------@hotmail.com)

Please click on the link in that confirmation email to confirm the registration.

If you cannot find the confirmation email in your inbox, try the spam-box. Sometimes it is accidentally caught there.

If this still fails, do leave a note here and I will manually confirm your account.

I will remove this particular post of mine some time later as not to disrupt the thread flow.

Cheers !

Thank you very much! I have managed to do that finally.... U guys are great... and this forum is so important to me now..

[Life Searcher]

Thanks Life searcher for sharing your precious moments with us. Bless your courage in posting despite some negative feedbacks and greater courage for showing Mr W. what you have written here. I am touched. All the best to you and Mr W. May love see you through all obstacles. And may all obstacles give birth to miracles.

Dear Mandrake,

Thank you so much for all your kind and thoughtful words above... is indeed an additional strength for me... After knowing Mr. W, I really feel my life has changed and my views on things... I use to be too practical on things and life... don't understand or never believe love exists. There are many things what I am doing now which thought was foolish, silly and crazy... but I am doing all that now with my heart and soull. I am doing it happily in regardless of the negative feedback some others here have given me... They maybe right but I will do it for no regrets.... Once again, thank you for the encouraging words and I do hope obstacles give birth to miracles....

[Life Searcher]

To Life Searcher,

I think by showing your post on BW you have just 刨开心房(open up your heart) for Mr. W to see.

I think he knows what he had done to you now.

Even though he see so many people advising you to leave him, etc. yet you hold on to the hopes of being with him.

Even though many shoot you for being stupid and unwise, etc. you only have thoughts of him.

If this Mr. W still dun know how to appreciate your 无私的真爱(Selfless love) then he don't deserve your love.

To Mr. W,

It is rare that another man, is as real in love and as stubborn as Life Searcher that are able to accept your position and situation. You are really a lucky person to have so many people to love you. You being a married man, your biggest responsibility is to your family and kids. As to your 2 boyfriends, I hope you treat them fair and well. Otherwise, a lot of us in BW will curse you should you do the unthinkable.

From

Gachi

Dear Gachi,

I have only spoken to him and have not shown him the post here... perhaps I may show to him later.. Mr W has shown me affectionate love ... I feel he is really more committed and has shown more concerns for me. He will give me some surprise by calling me or even try all he can to spare more time for me... He seems to be able to know or feel more of me.. he knows when I am sad or disappointed.. he feels I can understand more of him especially I love to share his joy, sad and problems together... I really don't know why... I am willing to do all possible to make him smile ... and when he smile.. i will feel so fortunate... I want him to be happy...

[Life Searcher]

Quote:....

We are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "life". Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

Fairness

"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet"... this line

Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work.

Perhaps.. life doesn't require we be the best --- only that we try our best... I do believe "surrender dosen't obstruct our power; it enhances it."

[Life Searcher]

Today, something very strange happen... there is a client of mine approach me... and wanted to date me out for meal... If I would have met him a few months ago, I may be willing to accept this date... his outlook is my type and I know without any consider, i will accept him.... but now, since I have Mr. W, I haven't thought of betraying him or falling into another Love... (unless he leaves me or if something really serious happen).

I have told Mr. W today what has happned and about the client who tried to approached me... he was not surprised but he is confident of my love for him.. He advice me to handle him professionally in work and just need to ignore him for any private affair.

We spent some good time together today and I feel Mr. W has tried to give me more of his time in regardless whether his wife complains or partner ask him for coffee... but each time he needs to be back home.. I feel something a miss... I know I cannot ask for more from Mr. W as he has really given me a lot of his time and love... I cannot be so selfish. My love for him is so strong now and I need to put myself in his shoes to consider all positions...

Love sometimes is so strange... so funny... could be so silly... could be so unexplainable and even you ask me why i love him so much??? I have no idea... Perhaps love just can't be explained...

p.s. Sorry if anyone find this bore.. mainly wants to put my feeling here

[Guest Still Hiding]

I think this song describe you current situation right now. Meeting Mr. W & saying goodbyes.

I am say I admire your courage to let yourself to be "Tear Up" inside every time you say goodbyes after meeting him.

[snowball]

Still Hiding, thanks alot, this is a song that i want to know & learnt, i ever heard while i was shopping long ago, i don't know who sang it & the title, cos i don't listen to radio, don't watch local TV program & seldom watch SCV.

最美的爱, 就是付出的, 不求回报, 因为谁也不欠谁, 就算分开, 也会无私的祈求对方幸福快乐.

[Life Searcher]

I think this song describe you current situation right now. Meeting Mr. W & saying goodbyes.

I am say I admire your courage to let yourself to be "Tear Up" inside every time you say goodbyes after meeting him.

Still Hiding,

Thank you so much for the song... indeed I feel the same when I hear the song.. the lyrics is great and in fact.. I like to also recommend this song called "Time to Say Goodbye" - By Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman ALthough I may not understnad the language but you know what??? My tears just falls each time I listen to this song or even when the music starts... the music and the song just shake and stir your heart & emtion. I would like to share with all here...

Please note Andrea Boceili cannot see... but his voice and the way he sings can really touch you.. once again proven... music or great songs has not boundaries ...

Also, I really look forward as Mr. W and I will be going to Sarah Brightman's concert... I am sure that will touch the both of us...

[Life Searcher]

Just in case.. some people will like to know the lyrics for the Song - Time to Say Goodbye

The Lyrics - Original

Sarah:

Quando sono sola

sogno all'orizzonte

e mancan le parole,

si lo so che non c'è luce

in una stanza quando manca il sole,

se non ci sei tu con me, con me.

Su le finestre

mostra a tutti il mio cuore

che hai accesso,

chiudi dentro me

la luce che

hai incontrato per strada.

Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.

Paesi che non ho mai

veduto e vissuto con te,

adesso sì li vivrò.

Con te partirò

su navi per mari

che, io lo so,

no, no, non esistono più,

it's time to say goodbye. -- con te io li vivrò.

Andrea:

Quando sei lontana

sogno all'orizzonte

e mancan le parole,

e io si lo so

che sei con me, con me,

tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,

mio sole tu sei qui con me,

con me, con me, con me.

Time to say goodbye. -- Con te partirò.

Paesi che non ho mai

veduto e vissuto con te,

adesso sì li vivrò.

Con te partirò

su navi per mari

che, io lo so,

no, no, non esistono più,

Both:

con te io li rivivrò.

Con te partirò

su navi per mari

che, io lo so,

no, no, non esistono più,

con te io li rivivrò.

Con te partirò

Io con te.

Time to Say Goodbye - Translation in English

Sarah:

When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.

There is no light in a room where there is no sun

and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.

From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.

Into me you've poured the light,

the light that you found by the side of the road.

Time to say goodbye.

Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.

Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,

seas that exist no more,

it's time to say goodbye.

Andrea:

When you're far away I dream of the horizon and words fail me.

And of course I know that you're with me, with me.

You, my moon, you are with me.

My sun, you're here with me with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye.

Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.

Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,

seas that exist no more,

Both:

I'll revive them with you.

I'll go with you upon ships across the seas,

seas that exist no more,

I'll revive them with you.

I'll go with you.

You and me.

[Life Searcher]

Last night, I have to entertain my clients from overseas.... went for a dinner then follow up by a drinking session as my clients are really really good drinker... After pouring in more than what I could take... I went into a "drunk" mode... Only manage to went home with the help of my subordinate... I was probably too drank... and only found out from my staff that I was "blunting" my emotional feeling.... luckily, I did not mention about Mr.W's name so my staff mainly thought i am talking about some girl... They said.. I was saying "Why true love is so difficult?", "why can't I have him completely" and etc.. In fact, I can't remember at all what i have said... except I know i did cry due to some emotional feeling... I know I love this man too deep now and yet I also have to understand my circumstances or my position... After this incident, I will make sure I will not get drunk again like last night before blunting out nonsenses to my staff..

However, in the other hand, I do feel much better after releasing out my total feeling... I know who I want or who I love..... Sometimes, I just hope I can be a bit more selfish and ask Mr. W to make choice or etc.. I know I will have him if I persist or force him... but he will be very very unhappy and this is something I am trying to avoid... Also, I do not want a man who is force to be belong to me... I prefer to have my love one to come by his own heart without any pressure... Love should be selfless... but is really easy to say and hard to follow... 爱虽然因该是无私的。但要做到，却一点也不容易。But.. I will try my best and hope love will give me the strength...

I wish all of you here to enjoy your love...

[Guest Still Hiding]

Another song from the 80s to describe your love life now.

[happy.99]

why go for the married and straight? if life not not miserable itself, why get into this kind of relationship? people know there is no outcome but yet they still want to do it.

[snowball]

happy.99, same boat as them, people will say the person is brave etc; if you not into complicated love relationship esp you know they have family & kid, you will know what should & should not. well, that's their life, as long we won't let ourself to jump into it.

犯贱或痴情 depend how you look at it, is not for us to judge, we are not the one who need to face the music at the end.

i like 郑秀文 - 值得

我们的故事爱就爱到值得 错也错的值得

爱到翻天覆地也会有结果 不等你说更美的承诺

我可以对自己承诺

to be honest, i dislike someone that involve in people marriage esp after you know it, but i still hope they can have happiness, confusing right?

祝福 & 勇敢接受 is all i have to say

Edited March 13, 2009 by snowball

[Life Searcher]

Another song from the 80s to describe your love life now.

Thanks new hiding... is indeed a very nice song.. Love the song many years ago but never find out the meaning until now... Thank you!

[Life Searcher]

Today Mr. W called me early in the morning to wake me up as he afraid I might still get the hang over the other night... He sounded very happy, excited and tell me he has a surprise for me later when we meet in the afternoon... Guess I am just thinking too much.. and I thought he is going to

1) Tell me he can spend the evening with me? or

2) Tell me he can spend tomorrow afternoon with me instead of his 10 years partner? or

3) Tell me he do not need to spend a 2 days trip during his partner's birthday

What happen was none of the above. We have a nice coffee this afternoon and strange he requested for the gold ring on my finger which I have used it for years. I gave it to him without any 2nd thought... so long he love it.. Then, we went to a CD shop to buy our favorite classical music CDs... Of course follow by coming to my home... Suddenly, he took my hand... and put a Diamond ring (male design) into my ring finger.. Initially, I thought that is his ring as he has a similar one which he is on his finger... It really really surprise me!!! He actually went to fabricate an identical ring for me (except my diamond is much larger)... to make it as a pair... I was really really happy and touched!! Touch and happy not because of the cost but his thoughts and he do remember that I like the design of his ring. He then told me when he planned to fabricate this ring and the reason why he went over a few occassion to order and fabricate the ring... What else I could say? What else I can do? I just gave him an immediate big hug and a long long kiss.. This is the man whom I love so much.. whom I wish to give him everything and whom I have always give and not expecting for returns....

He knee down and said I am his forever so long I am willing and patient enough to wait. He then told me he had admitted to his wife for his status and his was not surprised but remain silent... I guess his wife knows his status for long time but they are just so use to live together and to avoid direct confrontation. I will think this situation will remains so long his wife do not ask for divorce or if she do not let their son knows ... As such, now is only left with the partner.. and I do have the patience to wait for Mr. W. He has really done so much for him. He is a retiree and I just do not want him to spend so much $$$ on me.. in fact, I am the one that is earning and I have more ability to support him... and I know I can do that...

We really spend a good afternoon together... and I kept looking at the ring he gave me... it just makes me feel so fortunate now... Although tomorrow afternoon is Sat again... I am much stronger and confident that Mr. W love is with me... I just have to feel contented and be patience..

[Guest Still Hiding]

Another suitable song for you. Hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnca2E1Qzdw

[Life Searcher]

Another suitable song for you. Hope you like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnca2E1Qzdw

Oh still hiding ... this is so so sweet... Really sings out my mood and feel for today... I guess I can't sleep tonight.... I just feel so so fortunate... only too bad Mr. W is not with me now... but he lives in my heart and mind now... Thank you once again.,,,

[Life Searcher]

Gay life... is so unpredictable...perhaps life as a human is so complicated...We can be so happy yesterday and a terrible feeling the other day... Is not that I don't trust Mr. W. Is perhaps, when you love a person more, you will try to demand more... although, I keep telling myself for not doing that, I am human being, a normal man... sometimes I can't help it...

Like all Sat, I accompany Mr. W to meet his partner this afternoon... although it has been so many times and I should have got used to it, I still have the jealousy or soury feeling... What worst.. tomorrow evening, I am suppose to have chance to meet Mr. W but my sister is coming to my place from overseas... and I have to entertain her family for the next few days... I just can't imgaine how can I survive the next few days without Mr. W...

I really do tell myself each time or each Saturday not to get jealous or upset... but each time I failed. I feel somehow very useless.... I bought a book today and for entire afternoon, i finished half of it... The title of the book is called 对不起，我爱你。

Some part reflects my previous experience and some part is my current feeling... I am a little scare to face it but I hope with my love for Mr. W, I can have enough courage and strength to hold it. Many times now, I curse myself since when I became a Love Freak? Or So silly in Love? ... Why am I doing ... etc...

有时候我温柔，有时候我冷漠

有时候我强势，有时候我脆弱

有时侯我坚持，有时候我放弃

有时侯我是这样的人，有时我是那样的人

而绝大多数的时候，我只觉得其实我并没有必要是别人以为我的样子。

Read something in the book, which makes me frighten:

逃避不一定躲得过，

面对不一定是最难，

孤单不一定不快乐，

得到不一定能长久，

失去不一定不再有,

转身不一定是软弱。

LoveKaren Mok-

Edited March 14, 2009 by Life Searcher

[Life Searcher]

In the past, I used to wake up really late in the weekends... probably because do not have any objective or not knowing what to do when I am awake... buying groceries, doing some household chores, visiting saunas (not that often).. and etc... sometimes to save some $$$, I rather stay home watching TV or nap again... then you started to see your waist line growing horizontally and in the end top spend more $$$ to buy your new clothings to fit into your "new" body... It makes me feel life is so meaningless... I worked really hard in the weekdays and is that what i deserve in the weekends??

However, now for me.. life has completely changed... I will try all I could to wake up early in the weekends (even I slept late last night) to join Mr. W for his morning walk... Is tough to pull yourself up intially but whenever I think of able to see him a few more moments... I will do anything for that... As it was too early, I often have to take a cab to his place and meet him nearby his home... After about an hour or so walk... we will go for a simple breakfast in a cafe which what I feel really fortunate... Listening to his past, what he has done last night and sharing some juicy news (could be politics, sex jokes, entertainment, nice music, movies to family). Although, the morning meeting is short, I cherish a lot of this moment... Even I have some overseas trips in the weekend, I will try to arrange after our morning meet up... The overseas trip will become so rush and is indeed very tiring.. but thinking of able to meet Mr. W, I will be able to endure all hardship... (very silly right?? Even I scold myself very often).

Ask me what magic he has??? I can't explain?? Perhaps he is a head of some Devil Sect?? I don't care..... I don't really bothers me now... I know Mr. W well enough and he is really a nice and kind man... helping many of his friends in troubles and etc.. indeed a man with good attributes.

Sometimes, I will just feel a little frighten when I think of it... how could a person love another person so much... each time I try to get myself a little out of the water to take a breath... each time I sink deeper...

In fact to make Mr. W feels better with less stress, I never try to demand too much from him and if I knew he has some argurement with his partner, I will try to shower him with more love or even crack some lousiest, coldest joke I could think of to make him smile again... even encourage him to be a little nicer to his partner (I feel a little hypocrite here... but I do want Mr. W to be happy) Recently, I can feel he is tiring and... he tried hinting me that he will get things sorted out ASAP. I do not want or dare to expect any actions from Mr. W as I am even more scare of disappointment. Perhaps, time is really the best to tell .... I just hope the strength of love and faith could hold us togther as long as we could...

[Life Searcher]

Last Sunday, Mr. W said he won't called me yesterday as he knows my sister's family is in town. Just when I thought the Monday afternoon is so damn long and I am looking at the watch to see the time moved even slower than a snail..., my mobile rang.. and saw Mr. W's name reflected on the screen. I almost jumped out from the chair and created a scene in my office but lucky that I have my own room. Happily, I picked up the phone and Mr. W told me his missed me the entire morning and can't resist to call me. Then after asking me whether I am busy in work or not, we decided to meet up for a coffee near my office.. We have spent some time and have a good chat and Mr. W gave me a surprise to bring me to see some chinese art work, jade and antiques... we have a short bus trip and it was really really lovely to me... I don't know why.. just simple things to do along with Mr. W will makes me feel so fortunate. It was till about 5.30 p.m. that I have to meet my sister's family for donner and really can't bear to leave Mr. W. I watched his back leaving till he is out of sight.

I know Mr. W has been very nice to me and I am suppose to be a happy and fortunate man now but perhaps since he still has his partner ... many times i still feel there is a torn in my heart... I know I am just a 3rd party in this relationship and I cannot ask for anymore. However, I am just a human.. and I have greed... I won't force for it but will certainly hope for it... This jealous and sour feeling is even more when i think of the coming trip next month when Mr. W needs to celebrate his partner's birthday in Malaysia... I know this has been a 10 years practice and is more like a rountine... my biggest worry and concerns were his partner will pressurize him or etc and Mr. W will end our relationship after the trip. This has caused me a nigthmare last night and it really affected my mood this morning. My staff felt I was moody and even Mr. W sense it. I told Mr. W my worries and Mr. W just laughed, slapped my bum and told me I am a silly boy of his. He then assured me this will never happen. In fact, he told me he has planned a full day outing with me the day before and after of their trip... I know I can't ask for more right?? I used to feel all the above thoughts are crazy and silly if it happens to my friend, I will probably give them a piece of my mind and scold them as Love freak or probably think they watched too much Korean or Japanese drama... but look at me now..I am just doing what I thought I will never do. In fact, even some simple stories, video, drama touch me much easier now. Like last night in a drama, the actress told the actor that waiting for him 1 hour is like 1 month period and due to their problems and situations, the actress is still willing to wait for the actor for 10 years... and she will start counting down. It was lucky that Mr. W also watched the same drama and he thought of me too. I told him I am patient enough to wait for him too... and in fact to me... besides love and sex .... I am really prepared to take good care of Mr. W. regardless his age is catching up and health is a main concern. I just feel like loving and taking good care of this man....

Sometimes, I am also very silly to think what if Mr. W leaves his partner... will I be happier or more worry? Will I be worry he may fall in love in another one? That really worries me... but since I am not at the stage yet, I shall not persue that much...

I wonder are there many here who also has similar relationship like this?

I am happy to hear some lovely stories or experience anyone here who might have too.

Life is so unpredictable and could be great if we can write down our fond memories.,, and feeling...

[Guest LW]

Dear Life Searcher,

I have seen a korean drama about love matter too. I learnt that if you really love someone, you will be contain if he's happy even he's not love you and is with someone else. That twisted love is very dramatic at first as the guy ex-gf don't want to let he and his true love (a new gf) be together. But, after been through some events, the ex-gf realized that she is hurting the guy while she try to win him back and also she saw the love of him and the new gf is greater than the one they had. So, in the end, she put down her hate and grudge, and left after congratulated them at their wedding.

"...To love is not to bind to him blindly. But, feel happy when seeing him happy. So, I will leave him to you and hope you will give him the happiness he really looking for..."

[Life Searcher]

Thank you so much LW.... Your description below is indeeed very encouraging. In fact, I have told Mr. W that if he finds out one day that he no longer loves me... please let me know... I do not want to be the last one to know or for him to do irritating things to annoy me. I rather keep his image and our sweet memories together. I know Mr. W don't love him anymore. Is more on the thankful to his partner for the 10 years relationship they have spent together and the family problems his partner has went thru with him before. He feel grateful to him but not that much on the love side. His partner could feel that (even before my existence) and Mr. W has mentioned to break off this relationship many times but each time, his partner will threaten him or create a big scene. Mr. W is very soft hearted and each time he gave in when his partner told him how much he has sacrifed for him and blar blar blar... In fact, his partner even said recently that even he don't love Mr. W anymore, he won't let go... he rather destory it so that nobody could have it... That worries me alot. Not that I am afraid on my safety... but on Mr. W.

To me love shouldn't be so selfish ... it should be more acceptance and giving. Can we really calculate who give out more or who take in more.. that is no particular scoring system like exam or figures... Now, Mr. W just trying to let his partner udnerstand that and hopefully he can let go slowly and clamly. I am not sure how long will this take but I just wish to accompany and support Mr W to see him happy and healthy... regardless in the end whether the one beside is me or not...

[Life Searcher]

A very close friend send me the below:

當你愛上一個人而不被對方所愛，是一件很傷害的事。

但最痛苦的莫過你愛一個人而卻沒有勇氣讓他知道你的感受。

　

最好的朋友是那一種能夠陪你坐在鞦韆上，不發一言，

然後靜靜地一起離開，感覺就是從未有過最好的對話。

　

這是真實的 ~~

你永不知道你得到了什麼只知你失去了的時候；

而更加真實的是

你永不會知道自己失去什麼只知他到達的時候。

　

要遇上一個人只要用一分鐘的時間，

要喜歡上一個人只要一句話的時間；

要愛上一個人只要用一天的時間，

但要忘記一個人卻要用一生的時間。

　

為自己的夢想而去想，

到自己想到的地方，做自己想做的事，

因為你只有一次的人生及一次機會去做這全部的事。

　

嘗試把自己放在對方的立場，當你感覺受到傷害時，

很有可能他也在是被傷害。

　

最快樂的人並沒有需要擁有世上所有最好的事，

而只需要令到大部份的事能沿著自己的人生而來。

　

人生中一件傷心的事是當你遇見一個對你充滿意義的人，

但你卻在最後才發現。

　

一句不小心的說話會令一場罵戰展開，

一句殘酷的句子會摧毀你一生，

一句話愛的句子卻會是無限的喜悅和祝福。

　

愛由一個笑容開始，用一個吻來成長，用一滴眼淚來結束。

當你出生時你一個人在哭，而所有在旁的在笑，

因此請活出你的生命， 當你死的時候，

圍繞你的人在哭而你便是唯一在笑。

　

愛情是自己的，自己要個怎樣的愛情自己最清楚，不評論他人的愛情，

因為有些情感不是外人可以體會的，就像你不喜外人來評論你的愛情般。

全心祝福，衷心禱告，愛其所愛，終愛不悔

愛可由一個笑容開始,在用一個吻來成長，去無法用一滴眼淚來結束

當你愛上一個人而不被對方所愛，是一件很傷害的事

魚說:你看不見我眼中的淚,因為我在水中

水說:我能感覺妳的淚,因為妳在我的心中

沒有了空氣，世界將失去色彩……

沒有了情愛，人們將失去聯繫……

有時遺忘也是一種美的藝術吧!!!!

[cock brand]

Read something in the book, which makes me frighten:

逃避不一定躲得过，

面对不一定是最难，

孤单不一定不快乐，

得到不一定能长久，

失去不一定不再有,

转身不一定是软弱。

LoveKaren Mok-

Thats nothing to be frightened about what you read dear.

Thats POSITIVE THINKING.

Nothing in this world is eternal 永恒

Change is.

Everything around us is perpetually changing and we need to accept these changes and adapt.

We cannot remain on the same spot and refuse to change.

If you do, you will just get yourself decimated 淘汰.

There are certain things in life we cannot be stubborn with.

Same goes to love life.

柳暗花明又一村

[Life Searcher]

Thats nothing to be frightened about what you read dear.

Thats POSITIVE THINKING.

Nothing in this world is eternal 永恒

Change is.

Everything around us is perpetually changing and we need to accept these changes and adapt.

We cannot remain on the same spot and refuse to change.

If you do, you will just get yourself decimated 淘汰.

There are certain things in life we cannot be stubborn with.

Same goes to love life.

柳暗花明又一村

Thanks CockBrand... for the advice. I know there is nothing in the world eternal. He is older than me and by logic, he will leave me or the world even he does not change his heart. Many times, I have told him that I am prepared to take care of him and when I said that... I am not trying to make him happy as I have experienced of taking care of old people (my grandparents till they past away peacefully). I know when he is older, we may not be able to have sex but we can still share the emotional thoughts... To me sex is important but not the most essential part to keep us together.

I will try my best to protect and love him or my love one... Hopefully there will be time when I can see the light shed into my dark tunnel... I do enjoy his love and accompany and perhaps get addicted and hope to demand for more but knowing he has his own things or people to deal with.... I cannot be so selfish... I can only miss him in my heart and kiss the ring he gave to me.

[Life Searcher]

Am I too sensitive or I am just toop demanding?

After Mr. W met me on Tuesday, he called me on Wednesday morning. We are suppose to meet for a coffee that afternoon but Mr. W was worried his parnter will ask him out too as he has declined their meeting on Tuesday and probably can't afford to turn him down again on Wednesday... I was not too happy but again have to accept it and casually just asked if he could give me a ring when he finished coffee with him so that at least I could hear his voice... I waited the whole afternoon and still I did not hear from him. I was a little disappointed, went to a body massage (a straight one) but in the end I feel the male massuer was trying to touch my sensitive parts... I briefly ask him just to focus in some other parts like shoulders and etc. Anyway, it was till 9 p.m. that I gave up my hope for his call and fetch my sister's family back home.

Couldn't sleep very well in the night and waiting for day break. Catch a short sleep and looking at my watch that it is almost 8.45 a.m. half hour later than Mr. W would normally call me. Could hold anymore, I gave him a call and he told me the reason was he knew my sister's family is in town and trying to avoid any inconviences to me. Mr. W then told me he will be joining his old friends for tea and have a check-up in the afternoon. I was indeed disappointed but still have to wear my smiley face infront of my sister's family and office staff. I feel tormented apart in my heart not just because Mr. W did not see me today but more on my worry and fear of losing him. Is it normal for you not to call your love ones for few days?

Mr. W has set an appintment with me tomorrow but I am not 100% happy or feeling secure... will Mr. W really eventually leave me and remain with his partner and will Mr. W get bore with me. I can only base on all the things he have done for me. love me to make myself more confident and happier. Since when did I become so weak... I use to be so confident in work or getting most man I like but why am I so scare now... since when I become so useless... Maybe I really love him too much or maybe I have never really experience true love until now... I am really feeling sorry as I always claim to love Mr. W so much but yet I am turning myself so selfish thinking... Should I tell Mr. W about my feeling or thoughts? Will you get annoy if you are him??

I am a bit lost now... and would greatly appreciate to have some golden advice... Please just ignore me and excuse me if you feel irritating or annoying.. I am sorry....

[Guest Please Forgive Me]

Dear Life Searcher,

You are just praying hard too hard. Asking hard too hard. Wanting hard too hard.

Be like Katie. Be grateful that you are still being loved. Have faith that love has, slowly, embraced into your life. Have peace within. Have a grip, and understanding/acceptance, that your relationship is [and with respect] NOT normal. You just have to live moment by moment.

Here's my thought - and please, it is written to think out of the box. Honestly, your statement [posted 15 March] "Gay life... is so unpredictable...perhaps life as a human is so complicated..." and few other questions [below] prompted me to think deep about life.

- Am I too sensitive or I am just too demanding?

[posted 19 March]

- Sometimes, I am also very silly to think what if Mr. W leaves his partner... will I be happier or more worry? Will I be worry he may fall in love in another one?

[posted 17 March]

- Many times now, I curse myself since when I became a Love Freak? Or So silly in Love? ... Why am I doing ... etc...

[posted 15 March]

Is life really unpredictable?

Our world is a reflection of our collective consciousness. We get what we give. What we sow is what we get. Until we resolve our inner conflict, there will be conflict in our outer world. What we see in the world is exactly what we deserve, both the good and the bad.

Many of us often think so little of ourselves. Look at how we think, say, about death. Death is always easier to comprehend when one has lived a full life and dies at a ripe old age. But when a child, or an adult who is not yet old enough to die, we question why these souls were taken so soon. When one dies violently from the hands of another, we question the sanity of our world.

While it is easy to focus on the downside of life, unpredictablity works both ways. When we win the lottery, do we complain? Do we question life? In fact, we think that we are just lucky. We think that the gods are smiling on us whether we deserve it or not. We don't say "why me?" We believe we deserve it. We accept the good fortune with grace and often for granted, as if we earned those blessings.

However, as soon as the good tide changes, we start to whimper. We quickly question at the wisdom of the universe. Everything happen because we allow the thought vibrations to take place. Be it consciously, subconsciously or unconsciously. None of us can fully undestands the ebb and flow of the universe but when we make a conscious effort, and in awareness, we are allowing acceptance. We accept life as Just Is. We get what we give.

Yes, we do our best to minimize uncertainty. As long as we are not fully in charge of our thinking mind, and in spite of all our best efforts, we will experience unexpected blow. Disappointments will come our way.

We may question why do bad things happen to good people? There is no easy answer. We live in a broken world with broken people. Those who are hurting often hurt others, intentionally and unintentionally. We just need to remind ourselves that life is a gift we are granted moment by moment. The only moment we can really count on is now. We should not, and never, miss an opportunity to show affection. To give gratitude.

Yes, life is uncertain but not unpredictable. There is no need to be fearful. No one can wave a magic wand and install predictability. But it can start with watching our thoughts. It is definitely a better option to guarantee results. One of the best way, as we struggle with life's unpredictability, is to keep planting these thoughts "Love begins with Me. And so, is Peace.".

[cock brand]

Don't think I can ever give you any advice.

The reason is simple.

I believe I am more towards a pragmatic person while you are far too romantic to a point of unrealistic.

Your behavior are too much like those characters in those Mills and Boons stories I read while in secondary school -

starry-eyed dreamers waiting for their prince charming arriving to their rescue on a white horse (sometimes white convertible).

If you have a fulltime job, I dunno how you can ever cope with all your thoughts so preoccupied with Mr W.

How can you ever perform well in your work is a mystery to me.

I just feel that your thinking and action is more woman than a woman.

You know where you will end up one day if you keep living your life like this?

I leave it for you to tell me.

But its your life and only you can decide how to live it.

I wish you all the best.

问世间 情为何物