I decided attending wakes and funerals are no longer for me.

[FattChoy]

I've already answered this question in the threads above. Scroll up. 

[Guest piang]

@FattChoy .. you didnt attend your uncles and now your aunt.  Uncles you said not close.  Aunt you said toxic.

 

Only you and your mum are the good ones in the family genes?

[Guest Guest]

22 hours ago, FattChoy said:

Hello, it's me the TS.

 

Since there's so many views that distort my post and it's points, let me resummarize them

 

1) I will no longer attend wakes and funerals because I don't believe in this custom/ norm/ ceremony.  To me it's bullshit. 

 

2) People who have failed in life, I no longer want to spend a single minute of rememberance.  I no longer want to hear anything about their toxic life, poor life values, poor decision making.  I hope their failures follow them to the graves and not passed down as intergenerational trauma on younger people they knew.

 

 

 

This leaves the grey area unanswered, doesn't it? So, will TS attend wakes and funerals of people who are "successful" in life?

 

If he does, it just goes to show that he is spiteful towards people whom he doesn't believe to be "successful" in his definition; If he doesn't, then he may not even go to his parents' (using his own words) "bullshit" wakes and "spend a single minute of rememberance" of them.

 

Even animals grieve over their deceased pals etc. Some people here are worse than animals.

 

One last thing: people learn a lot from failures. Only stupid people allow failures to follow the deceased people to the graves.

 

[FattChoy]

15 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 

 Only stupid people allow failures to follow the deceased people to the graves.

 

You can take the deceased's failures back with you if you want 😘

Edited March 11, 2024 by FattChoy

[Guest Guest]

48 minutes ago, FattChoy said:

You can take the deceased's failures back with you if you want 😘

 

You don't seem wanting to learn to be positive in life.

 

When the living takes 'deceased's failures back', it is to remind humans to be good humans.  It is not an opportunity to continue to condemn them to hell, unless you @FattChoy are already at god's level.

[Ironrod]

I never thought abt this topic until my own father died. Thats' where i see all my aunties and uncles coming to help and support my mom and me. I feel appreciated when my friends came and "pei" me a bit. As you know, its quite tiring sitting there whole day and when its a 5 day funeral, its exhausting. To me, its my final way of showing my father the last gratitude. Be it, he treats me good or bad. He is my father, he gave life to me and I ensure he is put to rest. That is gratitude and my filial piety. 

 

Have you ever wonder why The Original Vows of Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva is revered by many?

 

Your attitude towards others will be how you will be treated. Just remember that. 

[QinWei]

43 minutes ago, Ironrod said:

Be it, he treats me good or bad. He is my father, he gave life to me and I ensure he is put to rest. That is gratitude

wow! 

[FattChoy]

3 hours ago, Ironrod said:

I never thought abt this topic until my own father died. Thats' where i see all my aunties and uncles coming to help and support my mom and me. I feel appreciated when my friends came and "pei" me a bit. As you know, its quite tiring sitting there whole day and when its a 5 day funeral, its exhausting. To me, its my final way of showing my father the last gratitude. Be it, he treats me good or bad. He is my father, he gave life to me and I ensure he is put to rest. That is gratitude and my filial piety. 

 

Have you ever wonder why The Original Vows of Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva is revered by many?

 

Your attitude towards others will be how you will be treated. Just remember that. 

 

Tq for your post.

 

I don't share your attitude and approach towards funeral and wakes and I prefer not to be there.

 

As for your last sentence, I think it's a sign of the toxic customs passed by our elders.  It's a custom based on fear.  You fear that you'll be treated badly if you treat others like meh.....  So everyone pretends to be nice just so they get treated nicely in return.  

 

Just be real my friend.  

 

 

[Guest Guest]

2 hours ago, FattChoy said:

 

Tq for your post.

 

I don't share your attitude and approach towards funeral and wakes and I prefer not to be there.

 

As for your last sentence, I think it's a sign of the toxic customs passed by our elders.  It's a custom based on fear.  You fear that you'll be treated badly if you treat others like meh.....  So everyone pretends to be nice just so they get treated nicely in return.  

 

Just be real my friend.  

 

 

 

Huh? A phrase such as "Your attitude towards others will be how you will be treated. Just remember that" is a "sign of the toxic customs passed by our elders" and "It's a custom based on fear."?? 

 

Respect begets respect. Haven't you heard of something as basic as that? 

[kidster]

I will ask my family member to send a SMS using my phone to those who attend my wake.  "Thanks for coming. I will be watching you." lol

Edited March 11, 2024 by kidster

[Guest Guest]

3 hours ago, FattChoy said:

So everyone pretends to be nice just so they get treated nicely in return.

 

In case it is lost on you, everyone "pretends" to be nice because that is simple basic courtesy.

[notd]

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

[Guest Guest]

12 minutes ago, notd said:

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

 

What if one day, someone, maybe your niece and/or nephew, also starts hating you the same way you hate your previously-beloved aunts, all because of "a few words" you said to them? What will you do?

 

Life is long. What goes round, will come round.

[FattChoy]

42 minutes ago, notd said:

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

Tq for sharing. Congrats for cancelling toxic relatives. 

[Guest Well said]

31 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

 

What if one day, someone, maybe your niece and/or nephew, also starts hating you the same way you hate your previously-beloved aunts, all because of "a few words" you said to them? What will you do?

 

Life is long. What goes round, will come round.

 

What a good way to remind @notd.

 

We can say whatever we like.  At the end of the day, all we want in life is to get some form of respect.  Don't bull yourself to say that you don't want it.

 

How to get respect?  It is earned.  Full stop.

[auscent]

I stopped going to weddings too. Vast majority are not v close friends. Just pass angpow.

Only to funerals of families related to close friends and immediate bosses. I find such selective attending more meaningful.

[Guest Guess]

21 hours ago, notd said:

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

I totally agree. Some women say the cruelest things to others and yet expect other people to be tactful. That's why there are a few movies titled MEAN GIRLS. 

 

The worst part is that you done nothing to deserve those wicked words. It could be just that when you think everything is alright, the  serpent's tongue comes out.

 

You should take a (verbal) hatchet to them. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better.

[D.0284]

roots which are rotten need to be trim. a lot of asians, especially the elder ones thinks that one which does not have a culture or tradition will not earn respect from others. sadly, a lot of these traditions are created in a different era, which now no longer relevant.

i would still go to a wake, but i take it as a departure to the old toxic culture.

Edited March 12, 2024 by D.0284

[Guest Guest]

12 hours ago, D.0284 said:

roots which are rotten need to be trim. a lot of asians, especially the elder ones thinks that one which does not have a culture or tradition will not earn respect from others. sadly, a lot of these traditions are created in a different era, which now no longer relevant.

i would still go to a wake, but i take it as a departure to the old toxic culture.

 

By all means, trim the rotten roots if necessary. But some people are throwing out the baby together with the bath waters. No doubt, some culture and tradition are created in a different era. But these culture and traditions are the roots of what we call "humanity". If not for these traditions and cultures, we are no different from animals, which may not even spend a single second grieving for their dead. What makes us different from the animals is not our clothes or money. If it is so easy, then we can simply dress up an ape in a suit and put some money into its pockets and call it a "man". It is how we behave that sets human beings apart from animals, and traditions and cultures are part of our guiding systems.

 

But we are digressing from the point: the purpose of going to funeral wakes is not done due to a matter of tradition or culture. It is done as a form of remembrance of the deceased, a last respect to the dead, or for religious purposes.  

[Guest Guest]

13 hours ago, Guest Guess said:

I totally agree. Some women say the cruelest things to others and yet expect other people to be tactful. That's why there are a few movies titled MEAN GIRLS. 

 

The worst part is that you done nothing to deserve those wicked words. It could be just that when you think everything is alright, the  serpent's tongue comes out.

 

You should take a (verbal) hatchet to them. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better.

 

I think you missed the point.

 

It is true that some people say the cruelest things to others. But many words were said unintentionally, said at the spur of the moment, or words mentioned due to incitement by other people.

And furthermore, in this case, one of the aunts even "have attempted to reconcile with (him)". But yet, he is still unforgiving enough to keep holding to the grudge, and even say that he "have not spoken to (his) aunties since the pandemic" and "(he's) always felt that things are better the way they are now".

 

On top of that, one of the aunts was even "kind enough to leave (his) name in her will", and he himself admitted that he is "thankful they thought of (him)". But yet, he still claimed that he is "NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible" and he "will accept their decision to disinherit (him) if it comes to that". 

 

How can anyone agree with his actions here? He knows he is wrong to hold on to the grudge, and he is just here trying to seek support for his own actions here.

[Guest Hard to Say]

On 3/11/2024 at 10:39 PM, notd said:

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

Hurtful words and disparaging attitude are common in society, not only among your family, but also in work places, in schools and various setttings.  It sometimes came unprovoked, intentional or slip of a tongue.  Gay people experienced it the most.   Often people will remember those hateful trigger, but quick to forget the happy trigger.  If someone persistently hurt you, and they never bother to change their attitude towards you, your point of not attending their wake is valid - to avoid remembering the scars they printed in your life.    

 

However, as in most human, it is absolutely common to experience both hate and love for them at the same time.  Loves utlimately prevail over hate because their Loves for you probably gave you a good start in life before they changed, due to many personal problems or life burden, and gave you goosebump towards them.  It all boils down to gratitude and attending their wake probably is the easiest and simplest form of showing it for them, just once, and then you can get on with your life feeling "accomplished".

 

Regardless, you should never skip your own family, namely your grandparents, parents or siblings. Your story and theirs are closely knitted since birth, at least, before you reached adulthoold and became independent.  Outside the circle of direct bloodline, you can have the flexibility.

 

Wake, in Chinese traditiona, is just one way of paying respect.  Thereafter, you have to observe Qing Ming Festival, their death anniversary, the 7th month which will wear you out after a number of years.   It was like NS ORD is just the start of an obligation to fulfill your 13 year of ICT.   Anyway, I am talking about Buddhism and Taoism ritual.  I don't think Christian or other religion follow similar practices.

 

 

 

    

[AP1987]

On 3/9/2024 at 7:38 AM, QinWei said:

I dont attend too for decades…..Anywy, now there are paper coffins too…. 

 

 

Yes. There is paper casket. We fought damn hard for gov to allow the use. However, do note the these are not cheap also as its not mainstream

[Guest Guess]

8 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 

I think you missed the point.

 

It is true that some people say the cruelest things to others. But many words were said unintentionally, said at the spur of the moment, or words mentioned due to incitement by other people.

And furthermore, in this case, one of the aunts even "have attempted to reconcile with (him)". But yet, he is still unforgiving enough to keep holding to the grudge, and even say that he "have not spoken to (his) aunties since the pandemic" and "(he's) always felt that things are better the way they are now".

 

On top of that, one of the aunts was even "kind enough to leave (his) name in her will", and he himself admitted that he is "thankful they thought of (him)". But yet, he still claimed that he is "NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible" and he "will accept their decision to disinherit (him) if it comes to that". 

 

How can anyone agree with his actions here? He knows he is wrong to hold on to the grudge, and he is just here trying to seek support for his own actions here.

I can understand where you are coming from. But you need to understand notd's reasoning.

 

I agreed with notd because I had the same experiences . I bottled up the hurt and the feelings of resentment grew deeper and I avoided those people. But these feelings NEVER went away.

 

I once worked for a school principal. Sometimes I'll go and tell her so and so was nasty. She immediately said :"did you tell her off? If you don't, she'll take it as a response."

 

What she meant was that if you keep quiet, people will think you are easy to bully

 

Ever since, I started scolding hateful people. I felt a lot better. I don't have to bottle up the resentment because I TOOK action.

 

Stand up to bullies.

[Guest Guess]

Add on to my reply to Guest Guest.

 

When you say I missed THE point, I think if you were honest, I did not see things your way.

[Guest Guest]

2 hours ago, Guest Guess said:

 

I agreed with notd because I had the same experiences . I bottled up the hurt and the feelings of resentment grew deeper and I avoided those people. But these feelings NEVER went away.

 

I once worked for a school principal. Sometimes I'll go and tell her so and so was nasty. She immediately said :"did you tell her off? If you don't, she'll take it as a response."

 

What she meant was that if you keep quiet, people will think you are easy to bully

 

Your experience and his are completely different.

Look again:

 

11 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

And furthermore, in this case, one of the aunts even "have attempted to reconcile with (him)". But yet, he is still unforgiving enough to keep holding to the grudge, and even say that he "have not spoken to (his) aunties since the pandemic" and "(he's) always felt that things are better the way they are now".

 

On top of that, one of the aunts was even "kind enough to leave (his) name in her will", and he himself admitted that he is "thankful they thought of (him)". But yet, he still claimed that he is "NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible" and he "will accept their decision to disinherit (him) if it comes to that".

[Guest Guess]

33 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

 

Your experience and his are completely different.

Look again:

 

Dear, you missed my point so completely.

 

Mentioned earlier because of his aunts' words, notd pushed them away.

 

He should have told them off straight away and then he don't have to nurse a grudge. 

 

once you nurse a grudge, it is very hard to reconcile. A grudge also takes a toll on the person and consumes energy.

 

Have you ever offended people? Do you notice, if they did not rebuke you there and then, but afterwards they avoided/minimize contact with you.

 

Symptom: notd not receptive to aunts' attempts to be nice/reconcile.

Root cause: When one allows resentment to grow, it gets harder and harder to forgive.

 

That's why  all those stupid women must guard their tongues and not shoot their mouths off. Don't talk, won't die. Anyhow talk, that's why some women get beaten up.

 

You are suggesting notd should be the bigger person since his aunts made the first friendly overture.

 

It's hard to forgive an offender. That I can understand very well. Because the grudge has settled very deeply in the mind and heart. Hard to remove. 

 

Best is shoot (with words)  the farker there and then. Then you don't have to waste energy bearing a grudge. And the best thing is, your offender is offended by getting a dose of her own mouthwash!

[QinWei]

23 hours ago, AP1987 said:

Yes. There is paper casket. We fought damn hard for gov to allow the use. However, do note the these are not cheap also as its not mainstream

but why did the govt against it?? and will it be expensive than the cheapest wooden option?

[singalion]

On 3/11/2024 at 10:39 PM, notd said:

Live your life the way you see fit is what I'll say.

 

I know boomers and older millennials are quick to honor traditions and family over personal reasons, but I see no wrong in your refusal to show up at your aunty's funeral. I'm sure she has done some favors for you back when you were young, and doted on you at some point in your life before you realized her toxicity trumps all love she ever had of you.

 

There are also folks who will always urge you to see life on the brighter side and let bygones be bygones, but it's never easy when a family member leaves long-lasting memories, if not scars on you. I know because 5 years ago, two of my beloved aunties said a few words that would eventually send me spiraling into depression over the COVID pandemic. Many days, I remind myself that where I am in life now is a byproduct of their hurtful words, and I do my best to recognize the trigger and root cause, and actively attempt to uproot myself out of that mindset. Alas, it doesn't work, so I can only learn to accept that the scarring of the self, and my dislike for them are completely valid.

 

Family will always tell you to be the bigger person and let go, that or it wasn't intended. Personally, I have not spoken to my aunties since the pandemic. One of them have attempted to reconcile with me but I've always felt that things are better the way they are now. Am I grateful for what they did for me? Absolutely. I will always be thankful for the love they showered on me as a child. Have I attempted to repay that love in the form of appreciation and gifts? Also true. Said love was also reciprocated in the form of deep trust, which was eventually used and weaponized against me. 

 

One of them was kind enough to leave my name in her will, and I'm thankful they thought of me, but I am NOT hard up for their inheritance in any way possible, and will accept their decision to disinherit me if it comes to that. Materialistic possessions or inheritance cannot undo the psychological damage and trauma people leave in others, and that is that. 

 

There is never a right or wrong in your life choices, only paths you have not taken and roads you have not stumbled upon.

 

Means you didn't attend their wake and funeral? Or you plan - if these aunts are still alive - not to attend it in future?

 

That was the topic, which you actually didn't respond to.

 

Just wonder what these aunts said that it spiralled you into a depression. Was it homophobe?

 

You don't need to disclose if you find it too personal.

But just curious what words could have  triggered a depression...

Aunts are quite far off from the usual family unit. In my case, what they mostly say on those family gatherings goes for me into one ear and out of the other...

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

On 3/8/2024 at 6:49 AM, AP1987 said:

 

Can you do a proper send off with lower cost? Of course you can. We don't necessarily earn money from all cases. 

 

 

Of course one can do with lower costs.  In reality, "send offs" should not cost anything.  It is NATURE that takes care of our "send offs" shortly after we stop breathing,  the rest is theatrical performance.

[Steve5380]

10 hours ago, singalion said:

 

Just wonder what these aunts said that it spiralled you into a depression. Was it homophobe?

 

You don't need to disclose if you find it too personal.

But just curious what words could have  triggered a depression...

Aunts are quite far off from the usual family unit. In my case, what they mostly say on those family gatherings goes for me into one ear and out of the other...

 

 

I am also curious to know what these aunts said to @notd that left such a deep mark, coming from loving family members...

 

And one would recommend to him to EXPUNGE these words from his memory of the aunts.  For his own spiritual health and peace of mind.  It is time that we gays recognize that those who attack our sexual orientation are deeply mistaken, and this should excuse them and draw our compassion for their ignorance.  This in turn will rise our self esteem and confidence.

[notd]

11 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

I am also curious to know what these aunts said to @notd that left such a deep mark, coming from loving family members...

 

And one would recommend to him to EXPUNGE these words from his memory of the aunts.  For his own spiritual health and peace of mind.  It is time that we gays recognize that those who attack our sexual orientation are deeply mistaken, and this should excuse them and draw our compassion for their ignorance.  This in turn will rise our self esteem and confidence.

 

Thank you for the concerns, but this isn't about me  and I've moved on from the chapter since then. Life has been peaceful without the presence of these aunties, and that is that. 

[AP1987]

On 3/15/2024 at 2:16 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

Of course one can do with lower costs.  In reality, "send offs" should not cost anything.  It is NATURE that takes care of our "send offs" shortly after we stop breathing,  the rest is theatrical performance.

Well.. I agreed with what you say. Your view is on the "send off" and not the method of disposal of the body.

[AP1987]

On 3/14/2024 at 11:24 AM, QinWei said:

but why did the govt against it?? and will it be expensive than the cheapest wooden option?

Technically. Both are not cheap or easy to manufacture. Economical wise. Paper casket shld be cheaper but due to low demand equal to low production. So still expensive. And many believe paper casket have a risk of breaking apart or even catch fire before even entering the cremator due to high temp. It pose a risk to worker

[Guest Guest]

On 3/13/2024 at 9:54 PM, Guest Guess said:

Dear, you missed my point so completely.

 

Mentioned earlier because of his aunts' words, notd pushed them away.

 

He should have told them off straight away and then he don't have to nurse a grudge. 

 

once you nurse a grudge, it is very hard to reconcile. A grudge also takes a toll on the person and consumes energy.

 

Have you ever offended people? Do you notice, if they did not rebuke you there and then, but afterwards they avoided/minimize contact with you.

 

Symptom: notd not receptive to aunts' attempts to be nice/reconcile.

Root cause: When one allows resentment to grow, it gets harder and harder to forgive.

 

That's why  all those stupid women must guard their tongues and not shoot their mouths off. Don't talk, won't die. Anyhow talk, that's why some women get beaten up.

 

You are suggesting notd should be the bigger person since his aunts made the first friendly overture.

 

It's hard to forgive an offender. That I can understand very well. Because the grudge has settled very deeply in the mind and heart. Hard to remove. 

 

Best is shoot (with words)  the farker there and then. Then you don't have to waste energy bearing a grudge. And the best thing is, your offender is offended by getting a dose of her own mouthwash!

 

Have I ever offended people? Did I notice, if I did rebuke them there and then, they avoided/minimize contact with you? Is that what you are asking? So that is why, to you, "Best is shoot (with words)  the farker there and then. Then you don't have to waste energy bearing a grudge. And the best thing is, your offender is offended by getting a dose of her own mouthwash"??

 

Yes, I have offended people. And if I rebuke them, they fight back and things start to escalate and then a quarrel or a fight will ensue. And if they subsequently avoid/minimize contact with me, it is only because I am viewed as a rude, obnoxious, trigger-happy asshole whom everybody would avoid. So yeah, if that is what you want everybody to think of you, go ahead and, using your own words. "shoot (with words)  the farker there and then". It is your own reputation and your own loss.

[Swimfun]

On 3/4/2024 at 2:16 PM, FattChoy said:

I had 2 uncles who died during peak Covid.  I wasn't close to them so I didn't attend their whatever.  A few days ago my aunt died.  Whenever I think of her, all that pops up are just her bitter life and her amazingly clean floors in her house. She was rarely seen without a mop in hand.  

 

She led a very toxic life where fear of poverty and hunger meant she hustled from childhood to retirement.  She spent her 70s bedridden cos her body broke down due to abuse from constant work.  My mom said she developed arthritis due to constantly getting her hands and feet wet.  She was very bitter and complained about her marriage. 

 

Recollecting my memories of her, I reject her life values, her sense of priorities and the stories of trauma that she passes down to the younger generation.  

 

As a Chinese I no longer want to carry on this traditional of paying last respects to people who have failed in their lives.  In fact I have made it a point not to attend these at all.  I think these ceremonies are bullshit anyway, and unnecessary spending of money.

 

 

 

It sounds like you've been through a lot lately with the passing of your relatives. It's understandable to have complex feelings about someone's life, especially when it's marked by struggle and hardship. Remember, every person is a complex tapestry of experiences, and it's okay to feel conflicted about their legacy.

 

Your aunt's story highlights the importance of acknowledging the challenges people face and the impact it can have on their lives. It's unfortunate that she endured such hardship, and it's natural to feel a sense of disconnection from her values and experiences.

 

While it's understandable that you may not want to participate in traditional ceremonies, it's important to remember that these rituals often serve as a way for loved ones to come together and find closure. However, everyone grieves in their own way, and it's okay to honor your own feelings and boundaries.

Ultimately, it's important to celebrate life in all its complexity and recognize that each person's journey is unique. It's okay to reject certain aspects of tradition that don't resonate with you, but finding ways to honor the memory of those who have passed can still be meaningful in your own way.

 

Likewise many times, people don’t agree with the LGBT community. It would be sad if people also boycotted us during our final journey.

 

Everyone deserves dignity and respect, regardless of their lifestyle, sexual orientation or gender identity. Just as we advocate for understanding and acceptance, it's important to extend that same compassion to others, even if they hold different beliefs. It's a reminder that empathy and kindness can transcend differences, even in the face of disagreement.

[QinWei]

4 hours ago, AP1987 said:

Technically. Both are not cheap or easy to manufacture. Economical wise. Paper casket shld be cheaper but due to low demand equal to low production. So still expensive. And many believe paper casket have a risk of breaking apart or even catch fire before even entering the cremator due to high temp. It pose a risk to worker

but i dont think they are flimsy till easily broke apart?

now come to think of it some other relign got the best sustainable methods

 

[Guest Mary]

On 3/4/2024 at 2:16 PM, FattChoy said:

I had 2 uncles who died during peak Covid.  I wasn't close to them so I didn't attend their whatever.  A few days ago my aunt died.  Whenever I think of her, all that pops up are just her bitter life and her amazingly clean floors in her house. She was rarely seen without a mop in hand.  

 

She led a very toxic life where fear of poverty and hunger meant she hustled from childhood to retirement.  She spent her 70s bedridden cos her body broke down due to abuse from constant work.  My mom said she developed arthritis due to constantly getting her hands and feet wet.  She was very bitter and complained about her marriage. 

 

Recollecting my memories of her, I reject her life values, her sense of priorities and the stories of trauma that she passes down to the younger generation.  

 

As a Chinese I no longer want to carry on this traditional of paying last respects to people who have failed in their lives.  In fact I have made it a point not to attend these at all.  I think these ceremonies are bullshit anyway, and unnecessary spending of money.

 

 

Ah fat 

The purpose of you telling us U no longer wishes to......

1.  U too bored cooked up some stories mostly to entertain yourself.  I am bored now I entertain u 
2. If real ,but u dont have real friends family colleagues etc to confess but to BW to pour out 
3. Is real but u too lost too emo too blur dont know to and where to express so someone told u pls post at BW, that forum is for anything 

The forum should change title to Blowing ANY winds - some of the topic other then u shake head reading it that is too stupid u cant help but act stupid to play along , coz am bored on this Sunday afternoon 

[earth_tone]

You are sounding very bitter yourself right now. Don't lah. 

 

Maybe start to attend some wakes for a change, who knows you may feel less bitter about giving Pek Kim.  $30 can't buy you even a buffet nowadays right!? Just give. Go celebrate life, appreciate the person who had left their memories behind for their loved ones to reminisce 

[Guest Melvin]

Okay to dislike going to wakes of your enemies. But it is not okay to hate going to all wakes. Death, wakes, etc - part of life. Especially for your close, loved ones, go to their wakes as a sign of respect, appreciation, closure despite any religious differences or minor relation issues. Celebrate life. Respect the departed. Our internal self, and attitudes affect our actions, quality of our lives and impressions. Never be negative. Be open.

[FattChoy]

On 3/22/2024 at 2:41 AM, earth_tone said:

You are sounding very bitter yourself right now. Don't lah. 

 

Maybe start to attend some wakes for a change, who knows you may feel less bitter about giving Pek Kim.  $30 can't buy you even a buffet nowadays right!? Just give. Go celebrate life, appreciate the person who had left their memories behind for their loved ones to reminisce 

Good morning.

 

Of course you can do all those stuff，it's a free world.  

 

For me, I am not going to spend one minute more thinking about useless people who's passed away.  Esp in a funeral home and crematorium.  I've cancelled useless toxic people who failed in their lives.  Doesn't deserve my input. 

[FattChoy]

On 3/22/2024 at 1:01 PM, Guest Melvin said:

Okay to dislike going to wakes of your enemies. But it is not okay to hate going to all wakes. Death, wakes, etc - part of life. Especially for your close, loved ones, go to their wakes as a sign of respect, appreciation, closure despite any religious differences or minor relation issues. Celebrate life. Respect the departed. Our internal self, and attitudes affect our actions, quality of our lives and impressions. Never be negative. Be open.

 

Death is part of the departed's life.  But it's not part of mine. 

 

I don't have to go to a wake and pay respect to someone I find contemptible.  I'd rather cancel them.  And it's not negative, it's more like purging out poison from ones body.  Just holding the memory of them in my head is still toxic enough.  I've a lot to look forward to in my life and these people are not part of my journey. 

[earth_tone]

1 hour ago, FattChoy said:

I am not going to spend one minute more thinking about useless people who's passed away.  Esp in a funeral home and crematorium.  I've cancelled useless toxic people who failed in their lives.  Doesn't deserve my input. 

 

Point taken

Edited March 26, 2024 by earth_tone

[Ironrod]

On 3/11/2024 at 7:06 PM, FattChoy said:

 

Tq for your post.

 

I don't share your attitude and approach towards funeral and wakes and I prefer not to be there.

 

As for your last sentence, I think it's a sign of the toxic customs passed by our elders.  It's a custom based on fear.  You fear that you'll be treated badly if you treat others like meh.....  So everyone pretends to be nice just so they get treated nicely in return.  

 

Just be real my friend.  

 

 

 

Nope, I am a Buddhist and I believe in Karma. I am sincere and meant what I said when I mention my father. If I live in fear, I would have gotten married, marriage is "toxic custom" but funeral is last respect. The final respect you can show a person but what do u know abt honour and respect.

[Steve5380]

On 3/25/2024 at 8:56 PM, FattChoy said:

 

For me, I am not going to spend one minute more thinking about useless people who's passed away.  Esp in a funeral home and crematorium.  I've cancelled useless toxic people who failed in their lives.  Doesn't deserve my input. 

 

 

We are all useless people, on a great scheme.  Humanity is completely useless.   But within this great scheme,  we useless people can be useful to other useless people.  And, being so useless,  all our lives become failed after they end.  Unless you believe in a supernatural, nothing is left.  

 

On 3/25/2024 at 9:01 PM, FattChoy said:

 

Death is part of the departed's life.  But it's not part of mine. 

 

I don't have to go to a wake and pay respect to someone I find contemptible.  I'd rather cancel them.  And it's not negative, it's more like purging out poison from ones body.  Just holding the memory of them in my head is still toxic enough.  I've a lot to look forward to in my life and these people are not part of my journey. 

 

I wish that one day the great feeling of love will find you,  and then you will think quite differently when a beloved passes away.

 

NO WAY to "cancel" a beloved who passed away.  And this person's memory, instead of poison,  will shield you from the poisons of this world with protective love that persists for the rest of your days.  No life is complete without the inexplicable feeling of love, which with its good and bad is essential for us.

[Guest Guest]

I am wondering how should i reject wedding invitation from my colleague without showing that i am appear as 'unfriendly' not attending the wedding and no need to give any ang pow since not going, as the rest of my colleagues are going.

[Guest Guess]

9 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

I am wondering how should i reject wedding invitation from my colleague without showing that i am appear as 'unfriendly' not attending the wedding and no need to give any ang pow since not going, as the rest of my colleagues are going.

Say you go JB lor 🤣

[QinWei]

11 hours ago, Ironrod said:

respect you can show a person but what do u know abt honour and respect.

u show him the ultimate and highest respect when he is alive , not when he is gone!

[singalion]

5 hours ago, QinWei said:

u show him the ultimate and highest respect when he is alive , not when he is gone!

 

Yes, it is better to do while someone is alive. But we have our own lives, are busy etc and not always visit/meet relatives/ friends etc as we might wanted to. 

 

Not attending the funeral or wake seems to me offensive if not an insult to the surviving relatives, (spouse, children) etc. The reason not to attend a funeral/wake because you didn't like the lifestyle of the deceased, which I find extremely subjective, will still result in offending the surviving relatives of the deceased. 

 

Subjective because by what means do you judge the person? By your own weird and eventually faulty criteria? This also means that you impose your own lifestyle onto others and judge theirs down. 

 

 

[Guest Guess]

16 minutes ago, singalion said:

 

Subjective because by what means do you judge the person? By your own weird and eventually faulty criteria? This also means that you impose your own lifestyle onto others and judge theirs down. 

 

 

Human nature

 

You are not on that person's shoe 👠

 

[Guest Guess]

Unless your relative has caused you grievous hurt or did you a wrong turn.

 

I completely understand if you want to cancel the person and not attend the wake.