[Relationship Advice] boyfriend went on Grindr while we having an argument

[juion]

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

[Jeremy Lim]

Hmm not to scare you but if he is already sending his pics online to others and talking to his ex-fwb then it seems more likely he is seeking others. The intent to cheat is there so it'll be hard not to look past it unless you are down for an open relationship. I hope things work out for you though. It can suck to feel like you are being left out.

[Guest i say break up]

my advice.... break up... so much drama.. to the point u have to air your dirty laundry in public ..

 

find inner peace. get a better bf.

[Guest Reality check]

1 hour ago, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

sorry to say but he is likely already hooking up with others.

 

you need to decide what type of relationship you want and how ignorant monogamy is to you versus being with him.

 

[GachiMuchi]

4 hours ago, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

Men will be men. Most men can't resisit the temptations of sex; especially so for young viral men in their 20s - 40s.

Cheating partners are common in almost every relationship. Been there done that too. Not that I am proud of it. We men are weak when we are at our prime and there is "Fresh" & willing meat wanting a piece of us. Our spermed filled brains will make us weak and our groin stirs at the sight of good catch. That is a fact.

As much as you want your relationship to work, your partner must also wants the relationship to work before your relationship CAN work.

But from the looks of things, you are fighting a losing war because from what I see, he is not really invloved in trying to make things work.

You have 2 options:

1. Cut your losses and break it off. No matter how much it might hurt you. Your current lesson will save you from a lot more pain if you were to drag on any futher.

2. Continune on and you would have to accpet the fact that he will cheat again and again and eventually, until one day you really cannot take it anymore and call it off, or he call it off after he met someone he loves more than you.

 

The one who love the most will always lose in a relationship.

Personally, I felt that although you are ready, sadly he is not ready to be in a relationship.

Which means your views are not aligned and trying to forced someone to be something he is not, is just a painful for him as it is painful for you.

 My 2 cents.

 

[juion]

4 hours ago, Jeremy Lim said:

Hmm not to scare you but if he is already sending his pics online to others and talking to his ex-fwb then it seems more likely he is seeking others. The intent to cheat is there so it'll be hard not to look past it unless you are down for an open relationship. I hope things work out for you though. It can suck to feel like you are being left out.

To clarify, he didn’t send it to an ex-fwb knowingly. It just happened to be. At least that was what I was told. But yeah, at the start of our relationship he had kept in contact with an ex-fwb who was supposedly a good “friend”, whom we had many long discussions about. Currently, he seems remorseful about his actions and wants to work things out, but I’m afraid of being treated like an option 

[juion]

14 minutes ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

Men will be men. Most men can't resisit the temptations of sex; especially so for young viral men in their 20s - 40s.

Cheating partners are common in almost every relationship. Been there done that too. Not that I am proud of it. We men are weak when we are at our prime and there is "Fresh" & willing meat wanting a piece of us. Our spermed filled brains will make us weak and our groin stirs at the sight of good catch. That is a fact.

As much as you want your relationship to work, your partner must also wants the relationship to work before your relationship CAN work.

But from the looks of things, you are fighting a losing war because from what I see, he is not really invloved in trying to make things work.

You have 2 options:

1. Cut your losses and break it off. No matter how much it might hurt you. Your current lesson will save you from a lot more pain if you were to drag on any futher.

2. Continune on and you would have to accpet the fact that he will cheat again and again and eventually, until one day you really cannot take it anymore and call it off, or he call it off after he met someone he loves more than you.

 

The one who love the most will always lose in a relationship.

Personally, I felt that although you are ready, sadly he is not ready to be in a relationship.

Which means your views are not aligned and trying to forced someone to be something he is not, is just a painful for him as it is painful for you.

 My 2 cents.

 

Is cheating really that common? I’m not really knowledgeable about the dating scene as I was in a another LTR prior and am relatively young so I have little to no experience outside of serious relationships

[Guest Reality check]

23 minutes ago, juion said:

To clarify, he didn’t send it to an ex-fwb knowingly. It just happened to be. At least that was what I was told. But yeah, at the start of our relationship he had kept in contact with an ex-fwb who was supposedly a good “friend”, whom we had many long discussions about. Currently, he seems remorseful about his actions and wants to work things out, but I’m afraid of being treated like an option 

he really has an answer for everything but honestly, when you are at the point of having such detailed discussions about this, then the ship has probably already sailed. The other question is how do you know so much about what he is doing with his Grindr profile? And do you want to be the person constantly checking and asking questions.

 

@GachiMuchi gave some good advice. There is an option 3, which is to decide if the relationship with him or monogamy matters most to you (you are highly unlikely to get both by staying with him) and then take the appropriate action.

 

cheating is common and it doesn’t have to be the end of the world (or even considered cheating if yoy decide together to be open), but this is something you have to decide for yourself and not under pressure from him. 

[mate69]

21 minutes ago, juion said:

Is cheating really that common? I’m not really knowledgeable about the dating scene as I was in a another LTR prior and am relatively young so I have little to no experience outside of serious relationships

 

Yes

[doncoin]

He has moved on. You should too. 

[chindian32]

what's his profile name? 😁

[bigboyclubsg]

3 hours ago, chindian32 said:

what's his profile name? 😁

[singalion]

18 hours ago, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

My apologies at start but I am very blunt in my replies on such topics.

 

Honestly, I think you both are not sufficiently mature to be in any relationship. You both act like some kindergarden kids.

 

Let me tell you from start that sex is not the thing that keeps relationships going and what contributes to maintaining a gay relationship in the long run.

Ask gay couples who are together for more than 30 years what kept them together. 99% of the responses would not be sex.

(there are various videos and reports in gay magazines online where you can read about the experience of such gay couples.)

 

It is also better to learn early that there is no such thing as "exclusivity" or "100% monogamous". I can only assume that you are in your very early 20s.

 

Look there is not just grindr or other apps, but browse BW and you will see that there are 1000 of ample opportunities to bump on a guy to have sex.

Your bf has already indicated that he isn't the guy for exclusivity. Even if he promises you the blue of the moon, I don't think he will manage.

On the other hand, why had you been on Grindr yourself?

 

Let's look at the facts: it is obvious that both of you had played outside of your relationship.

Ok, we all know it is not nice but if you are sufficiently mature you would have realised, it will happen at one point of time.

The separation doesn't make it better. (or let's say it even opens opportunities.)

It is important that you start to discuss how you plan to handle such situations.

 

 

Guys, my sincere recommendation to you is: Get together and sit down and talk. (And please sit down together in real and not virtual)

Either there is air for going on together or not.

 

But even if you stick together and continue your relationship, learn to handle such situations more maturely and also accept that flings will happen again.

 

And don't be a control freak and overly control your bf that he feels he has no air to breath. A relationship is not meant to be a jail term.

 

 

I have a last advice for you:

People don't like to be placed in a caged environment. never ever try to put your bf into a situation where he feels he is like in jail.

It won't work for long.

 

 

Once again sorry for being so straightforward but I just intend to give you relevant advice for your future love life.

 

 

 

Edited July 18 by singalion

[MasterFitMalaySG4U]

Both choose to take a break, your bf sure already cheat lie drama behind your back.. still want to patch up? 

 

For me once I see a red flag that is it n organised my own group fun sex release haha 

 

If the person can't stay loyal, That is already toxic red flag manipulative bitch! Haha still want to keep? 

[Guest Jibai]

On 7/17/2024 at 9:10 PM, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

You and your bf so shallow 

https://youtu.be/JPJjwHAIny4?si=Fy44UKieKbzylJpl

[Guest Jibai again]

1 hour ago, MasterFitMalaySG4U said:

Both choose to take a break, your bf sure already cheat lie drama behind your back.. still want to patch up? 

 

For me once I see a red flag that is it n organised my own group fun sex release haha 

 

If the person can't stay loyal, That is already toxic red flag manipulative bitch! Haha still want to keep? 

To me, not tolerating bf seeing other people is the big fuckin' red flag.  What are you, 21? If 30 plus still naive like that sure cannot make it in this world called Earth. 

 

Wanting to fuck other people shouldn't be stigmatized.  99.99% of guys aren't exclusive, even in relationships.  The ones who do are usually top tier ugly or cacat.

[Glyph]

On 7/17/2024 at 9:10 PM, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

Hey TS, Grindr initially offered 3 free location-based unlocks, but this was changed to 1 on a recent patch so he wasn't lying about that one.

 

That said, not sure if sending stats and bod pics constitute cheating but when you defend him by saying he's unaware of who the recipient is, have you stopped to think that it might just be you trying to mitigate damage (to your feelings)? Does it matter who that guy even is?

 

You know the thing about trust is it's never easy to rebuild once broken, and even if you did it'd never be the same as before. Are you able to trust him, not just on his fidelity, but other matters as well down the road? If you can answer this then you'll know what to do.

 

Take care uh.

[T Gunner]

Like Kintsugi… even if you can mend it and make it stronger… the scar will be there forever… every now and then the scar may remind you of the past…

[GachiMuchi]

On 7/18/2024 at 2:41 AM, juion said:

Is cheating really that common? I’m not really knowledgeable about the dating scene as I was in a another LTR prior and am relatively young so I have little to no experience outside of serious relationships

 

Men, str8 or gay, all have the potential to cheat. Some more than others because men are ruled by their dick (actually hormones). 

Like you said, you are young, so may you had not "cum of age".

When you hit 30s to 40s and after a few relationships later. Then you come and take a look at your 'innocent" post in BW and tell us, if what we had mentioned are true.

Most young men, will have lots of idealistic views and ideals on relationship until they had a few relaitonships and realised that those they visulised in their mind don't match up with reality. 

Don't be jaded. There are still good men around, It's just takes time to meet them.

[Guest Lone Wolf]

On 7/17/2024 at 9:10 PM, juion said:

My boyfriend went onto Grindr and sent his stats and topless photos. For context, we were on a break for a while but agreed to be exclusive, and we had a major fight while he was overseas which led to us going no contact BUT had mutually agreed to not talk or see anyone else till he was back and tried to work things out. He saw a profile that looked like me and accused me of cheating, which on hindsight was him projecting onto me. After talking things out, I realised and pointed out that he had 1 more location-based chat to unlock for free and tried to clarify if there were indeed 3 initially as I have never really used the app. He assured me that there was only 1 unlock and hadn't spoken to anyone.

 

A few days back a past fwb reached out to him, and my boyfriend told me about it as we agreed to have open disclosure if anyone from our pasts had contacted us. It turned out that my boyfriend had sent his stats and topless photos to the ex-fwb (without knowing it was him). It did hurt because I considered it as cheating, but I chose to forgive him pretty prematurely after a quick discussion about it, likely because I really wanted to work things out.

 

I don't know what to do because I had already forgiven him, but I can't help but feel anxious and betrayed. I still feel so hurt about him going onto the app and proactively sending his stats and shirtless photos to random people after explicitly agreeing to stay exclusive and not talk to others. Please give me advice on how to proceed. I really like this guy and I don't know if I'm just ignoring all of the red flags at the moment.

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

I find your stories quite depressing because I haven't been in a relationship, or probably just a brief one lasting six months, if that qualifies as a "relationship" at all.  As you can see, I am a lone wolf and unburdened because my life is drama-free.   Your tale is tragic, in my opinion, if people are always living in continual worry and anxiety about losing something or someone not inherently closed, then why waste time moaning over it rather than finding something more important to fill the void, like focussing on healthy activities, keeping fit, doing good work and taking care of your own family members or simply....be a productive person, non sexually, live a free life, love yourself even more than you love others, and stay away from becoming part of the Korean or Chinese drama entertainment show which I find absolutely untrendy. 

[juion]

On 7/18/2024 at 3:54 PM, singalion said:

 

My apologies at start but I am very blunt in my replies on such topics.

 

Honestly, I think you both are not sufficiently mature to be in any relationship. You both act like some kindergarden kids.

 

Let me tell you from start that sex is not the thing that keeps relationships going and what contributes to maintaining a gay relationship in the long run.

Ask gay couples who are together for more than 30 years what kept them together. 99% of the responses would not be sex.

(there are various videos and reports in gay magazines online where you can read about the experience of such gay couples.)

 

It is also better to learn early that there is no such thing as "exclusivity" or "100% monogamous". I can only assume that you are in your very early 20s.

 

Look there is not just grindr or other apps, but browse BW and you will see that there are 1000 of ample opportunities to bump on a guy to have sex.

Your bf has already indicated that he isn't the guy for exclusivity. Even if he promises you the blue of the moon, I don't think he will manage.

On the other hand, why had you been on Grindr yourself?

 

Let's look at the facts: it is obvious that both of you had played outside of your relationship.

Ok, we all know it is not nice but if you are sufficiently mature you would have realised, it will happen at one point of time.

The separation doesn't make it better. (or let's say it even opens opportunities.)

It is important that you start to discuss how you plan to handle such situations.

 

 

Guys, my sincere recommendation to you is: Get together and sit down and talk. (And please sit down together in real and not virtual)

Either there is air for going on together or not.

 

But even if you stick together and continue your relationship, learn to handle such situations more maturely and also accept that flings will happen again.

 

And don't be a control freak and overly control your bf that he feels he has no air to breath. A relationship is not meant to be a jail term.

 

 

I have a last advice for you:

People don't like to be placed in a caged environment. never ever try to put your bf into a situation where he feels he is like in jail.

It won't work for long.

 

 

Once again sorry for being so straightforward but I just intend to give you relevant advice for your future love life.

 

 

 

Indeed I understand that monogamy is not for everyone, but I would appreciate if you didn't project your values of an open relationship under the guise of "being blunt" or "helpful". Just because cheating or open relationships are fairly common in gay relationships, it doesn't mean that it should normalised and promoted as an end all be all.

 

To clarify, I was not on Grindr nor talking to anyone else. I was confronted by a screenshot of a random Grindr profile. Also, I just want to point out that there is nothing wrong with an open relationship if both parties are consenting.

[juion]

On 7/19/2024 at 8:46 AM, Guest Jibai again said:

To me, not tolerating bf seeing other people is the big fuckin' red flag.  What are you, 21? If 30 plus still naive like that sure cannot make it in this world called Earth. 

 

Wanting to fuck other people shouldn't be stigmatized.  99.99% of guys aren't exclusive, even in relationships.  The ones who do are usually top tier ugly or cacat.

What's shallow is thinking that attraction and faithfulness are mutually exclusive. We're human; of course we're bound to find other people attractive. No one is stigmatising attraction or non-monogamy.

 

As a matter of fact, yes, I am in my mid 20s. But what's insane to me is that someone presumably in their 30s/40s either justifying (their own) unfaithfulness, or inability to grasp the concept of being unfaithful vs feeling attraction but respecting boundaries and not acting on it.

Edited July 20 by juion

[mate69]

On 7/19/2024 at 2:14 PM, GachiMuchi said:

 

Men, str8 or gay, all have the potential to cheat. Some more than others because men are ruled by their dick (actually hormones). 

Like you said, you are young, so may you had not "cum of age".

When you hit 30s to 40s and after a few relationships later. Then you come and take a look at your 'innocent" post in BW and tell us, if what we had mentioned are true.

Most young men, will have lots of idealistic views and ideals on relationship until they had a few relaitonships and realised that those they visulised in their mind don't match up with reality. 

Don't be jaded. There are still good men around, It's just takes time to meet them.

 

Exactly this ^

[IkuTube]

Let this be a good lesson when we are into a relationship.

 

Specifically to @juion, the only way to mend the situation is to take accountability for what is happening with you and your boyfriend.

 

Accountability is the only way to get back to ground zero.  Blaming is not the way to make things right.

 

At ground zero, you guys get back to basic.  My question to you, and you can ask your boyfriend too, why the agreement to have Grindr account in the first place?  As is, this app is about hook-up (to put it bluntly).

 

Obviously there was some kind of agreement between the two of you to use it.  Why does it become a problem then?

 

Hopefully the two of you can work things out should this relationship is worth to keep.

 

 

[Steve5380]

On 7/17/2024 at 1:22 PM, GachiMuchi said:

 

Men will be men. Most men can't resisit the temptations of sex; especially so for young viral men in their 20s - 40s.

Cheating partners are common in almost every relationship. Been there done that too. Not that I am proud of it. We men are weak when we are at our prime and there is "Fresh" & willing meat wanting a piece of us. Our spermed filled brains will make us weak and our groin stirs at the sight of good catch. That is a fact.

As much as you want your relationship to work, your partner must also wants the relationship to work before your relationship CAN work.

But from the looks of things, you are fighting a losing war because from what I see, he is not really invloved in trying to make things work.

You have 2 options:

1. Cut your losses and break it off. No matter how much it might hurt you. Your current lesson will save you from a lot more pain if you were to drag on any futher.

2. Continune on and you would have to accpet the fact that he will cheat again and again and eventually, until one day you really cannot take it anymore and call it off, or he call it off after he met someone he loves more than you.

 

The one who love the most will always lose in a relationship.

Personally, I felt that although you are ready, sadly he is not ready to be in a relationship.

Which means your views are not aligned and trying to forced someone to be something he is not, is just a painful for him as it is painful for you.

 My 2 cents.

 

 

How about men in their 50s, 70s ?   😄

 

For men who are men, absolute monogamy is difficult, especially when gay, where the only risk is to catch some STDs.  And it is not absolutely necessary when there is LOVE.   Fidelity should exist in a good relationship, but it does not need to be sexual fidelity.

 

 

[juion]

52 minutes ago, IkuTube said:

Let this be a good lesson when we are into a relationship.

 

Specifically to @juion, the only way to mend the situation is to take accountability for what is happening with you and your boyfriend.

 

Accountability is the only way to get back to ground zero.  Blaming is not the way to make things right.

 

At ground zero, you guys get back to basic.  My question to you, and you can ask your boyfriend too, why the agreement to have Grindr account in the first place?  As is, this app is about hook-up (to put it bluntly).

 

Obviously there was some kind of agreement between the two of you to use it.  Why does it become a problem then?

 

Hopefully the two of you can work things out should this relationship is worth to keep.

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I would just like to clarify that the agreement was for us to be exclusive and not see nor talk to anyone while we were on no contact. We both agreed that dating apps were out of boundaries early on in the relationship as well.
 

Maybe the intention wasn’t clear… the goal of this post was to seek perspective on how to move forward, not pin blame on each other as we are actively trying to work things out.

[Steve5380]

On 7/20/2024 at 6:41 AM, juion said:

Indeed I understand that monogamy is not for everyone, but I would appreciate if you didn't project your values of an open relationship under the guise of "being blunt" or "helpful". Just because cheating or open relationships are fairly common in gay relationships, it doesn't mean that it should normalised and promoted as an end all be all.

 

To clarify, I was not on Grindr nor talking to anyone else. I was confronted by a screenshot of a random Grindr profile. Also, I just want to point out that there is nothing wrong with an open relationship if both parties are consenting.

 

You must be very young and world-inexperienced, so your views are understandable.  As an octogenarian I see things from the other end of the spectrum, and recognize that @singalion had all the intention to be helpful.  And for "blunt",  how about this?

 

From which HELL comes this idea that an individual has any right of exclusivity over the sexual life of another human??  This probably came from primitive societies where a man had total possession of his woman,  and it perpetuated because in good marriages, illegitimate children can create sad dramas.  But illegitimate children are not possible in GAY relationships, not even in straight ones with modern contraceptives. 

 

On 7/17/2024 at 1:35 PM, juion said:

To clarify, he didn’t send it to an ex-fwb knowingly. It just happened to be. At least that was what I was told. But yeah, at the start of our relationship he had kept in contact with an ex-fwb who was supposedly a good “friend”, whom we had many long discussions about. Currently, he seems remorseful about his actions and wants to work things out, but I’m afraid of being treated like an option 

 

A bf in this situation who is remorseful and wants to work things out is PURE GOLD!  Anytime your bf is remorseful over something and wants to work things out...  you get an opportunity to lighten your heart and add a bit more of love for him.  His reaction to a situation that tests the relationship...  should be reassuring that he is worth it!  

 

On 7/17/2024 at 1:41 PM, juion said:

Is cheating really that common? I’m not really knowledgeable about the dating scene as I was in a another LTR prior and am relatively young so I have little to no experience outside of serious relationships

 

Yes, cheating is common,  and it is hard to get any statistics because many, many cheaters are successful, ha ha.  Feel blessed that you are learning while still young. And you are not too young for a relationship that may last many decades, if not forever.  So, it can be worth your investment of trust, and you should discuss it with him in a friendly way to see how his non-exclusivity can be accommodated.  It cannot be ruled out that at some point YOU may feel hot for some other body, and then if the two of you can tolerate a somewhat open relationship,  more reason for it to last and last.  

[Steve5380]

27 minutes ago, juion said:

Thank you for the advice. I would just like to clarify that the agreement was for us to be exclusive and not see nor talk to anyone while we were on no contact. We both agreed that dating apps were out of boundaries early on in the relationship as well.
 

Maybe the intention wasn’t clear… the goal of this post was to seek perspective on how to move forward, not pin blame on each other as we are actively trying to work things out.

 

You are confirming that you are in a relationship that is positive.  Start reflecting on the reality of this crap of "absolute sexual fidelity", and how much of it is wishful thinking. Our partner should be FREE to be with us, driven by his love for us.  One would not demand of him total "fidelity" to eat only the food prepared by us, would one?  

 

After setting reasonable rules that his sex escapades should be seldom and that his occasional trick should not be brought into the relationship,  you can feel satisfaction if he gets some enjoyment releasing his heat,  in this world where enjoyment is not too common...

.

Edited July 21 by Steve5380

[Guest Wtf]

55 minutes ago, juion said:

Thank you for the advice. I would just like to clarify that the agreement was for us to be exclusive and not see nor talk to anyone while we were on no contact. We both agreed that dating apps were out of boundaries early on in the relationship as well.
 

Maybe the intention wasn’t clear… the goal of this post was to seek perspective on how to move forward, not pin blame on each other as we are actively trying to work things out.

Good for you for seeking different perspectives and points of view @juion

 

unfortunately, as you can see here, a lot of the most vocal people who think they are giving advice are actually uncles who are utterly convinced that they are right - because of their age - and who are telling you what to feel and think.

 

the best advice is that, for this specific relationship, you now have the choice of staying with someone who is unlikely to be monogamous or not. If monogamy matters most to you, then you know what to do. If being with that bf matters more, then work through it. 
 

You have every right to want a monogamous relationship and the fact it might be hard to find doesn’t mean that it is impossible or that you have to listen BW uncles teling you this is a wrong thing to want. 

[IkuTube]

1 hour ago, juion said:

Thank you for the advice. I would just like to clarify that the agreement was for us to be exclusive and not see nor talk to anyone while we were on no contact. We both agreed that dating apps were out of boundaries early on in the relationship as well.
 

Maybe the intention wasn’t clear… the goal of this post was to seek perspective on how to move forward, not pin blame on each other as we are actively trying to work things out.

 

To be on one common ground, in a relationship, needs two hands to clap.  A working relationship needs common goals.  Each individual has to openly and honestly share why the goals are important - not only for him but for the relationship too.

Many relationships fail because two individuals are taking each other for granted, right from the ‘honeymoon’ period.  These individuals forget that they have their own cultivated habits/goals before coming into the relationship.  Do not forget that each of us have our past that made us what we are today.  Therefore, there will be unspoken baggage.  This baggage, should it not be addressed, can be the knife that cuts deep when disagreement starts to surface.

To make things work, moving forward, these two individuals need to understand the past.  To understand the past, they have to communicate.  While communicating, it is important to accept and not to judge.  Acceptance is the only way to make these individuals become closer.

 

@juion, the way I see it, you still want this relationship to work.  To me, this is good.  I believe you know what you want.  And, I also believe not to waste what you have started.  All problems have solutions, but it depends on your acceptance.

Right now is about finding the right time to reach out to each other.  Make sure the two of you have calmed down.  The two of you need to forgive each other and rekindle the reason(s) why you guys were in love and wanted this relationship.  Of course, the big question here, can the two of you forgive each other?  Can you, @juion?

The next big question, do the two of you still WANT this relationship to work?  To know the want is crucial.  It is the catalyst for what will come next.

Ideally, should you guys have a common friend – who can be neutral – will be good during the mediation.  Else, lay down the rules for the heart to heart conversation.  One example, rule 1 is to let one person speak while another listens.  One should not listen to talk.  Have more rules that are agreeable to the two of you before the commencement to talk about the problems.

You may want to discuss about the Grindr thing, for your peace of mind moving forward.  But remember, it is not important should you have forgiven him.

 

Do know @juion, a gay relationship can work provided two parties understand each other well.

 

May you have to courage to move forward.  Wishing you all the best!

 

 

[juion]

1 hour ago, Guest Wtf said:

Good for you for seeking different perspectives and points of view @juion

 

unfortunately, as you can see here, a lot of the most vocal people who think they are giving advice are actually uncles who are utterly convinced that they are right - because of their age - and who are telling you what to feel and think.

 

the best advice is that, for this specific relationship, you now have the choice of staying with someone who is unlikely to be monogamous or not. If monogamy matters most to you, then you know what to do. If being with that bf matters more, then work through it. 
 

You have every right to want a monogamous relationship and the fact it might be hard to find doesn’t mean that it is impossible or that you have to listen BW uncles teling you this is a wrong thing to want. 

Thank you for highlighting that a long-term monogamous gay relationship — while perhaps arduous — is possible. It was concerning to see how the outlook of the (vocal) majority was negative towards monogamy. It made me question if the vast majority truly shared the same sentiments.
 

Unfortunately for the community, I think many of us did not experience typical hetero teenage dating, and likely felt ashamed of our sexuality in our younger years. This probably led to a large portion of the community to be intensely sex-crazed from desires to be validated. 
 

How I see it is that these bitter “uncles” are projecting their insecurities and unfaithfulness onto others in an attempt to justify their actions and the damage they experienced growing up in a hetero-normative society. 
 

Also I’m super thankful to the (I assume) big brother/sister gays @IkuTube @GachiMuchi @Glyph and the others who shared your pieces of wisdom gained from your experiences to provide actually insightful comments. 

Edited July 21 by juion

[GachiMuchi]

1 hour ago, juion said:

Thank you for highlighting that a long-term monogamous gay relationship — while perhaps arduous — is possible. It was concerning to see how the outlook of the (vocal) majority was negative towards monogamy. It made me question if the vast majority truly shared the same sentiments.
 

Unfortunately for the community, I think many of us did not experience typical hetero teenage dating, and likely felt ashamed of our sexuality in our younger years. This probably led to a large portion of the community to be intensely sex-crazed from desires to be validated. 
 

How I see it is that these bitter “uncles” are projecting their insecurities and unfaithfulness onto others in an attempt to justify their actions and the damage they experienced growing up in a hetero-normative society. 
 

Also I’m super thankful to the (I assume) big brother/sister gays @IkuTube @GachiMuchi @Glyph and the others who shared your pieces of wisdom gained from your experiences to provide actually insightful comments. 

 

As much as I want to agreed with you about what you wrote about gays, that they are intensely sex-crazed. I want to highligt to you that sex craze or is a men's thing. 

It is not just a gay thing. Most Men Str8 or Gay will cheat, when the opportunity is right.

As to monogamy, unfortunately, many gay men encountered many cheating partners in a relationship which made the jaded.

I am speaking based on my own experience. When I was younger,  I had 2 relationships and both relationship had my partners cheated on me. I learned the lesson in ealier age that men will cheat. When it comes to my turn in later relationship, as much as I want to control myself, I can't help but also cheat in my relationship. It was not something I was proud about and eventually, my past few relationship ended until my current one. 

Like I said, many young people will have idealist views about relationship, they want exclusivitiy and monogamy, but depending on who you meet, some might be able to give you what you want, but some might not. So you will have to find the right person who could give you what you want and someone who is abe to be inlined with your relationship views. 

I am sure there are others who only want monogamy and faithfulness in a relationship, if your current partner is not able to give you, you might want to find someone who can.
A lasting relationship will work if you can find the right partner that match your views about relationship. 

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, juion said:

Thank you for highlighting that a long-term monogamous gay relationship — while perhaps arduous — is possible. It was concerning to see how the outlook of the (vocal) majority was negative towards monogamy. It made me question if the vast majority truly shared the same sentiments.
 

Unfortunately for the community, I think many of us did not experience typical hetero teenage dating, and likely felt ashamed of our sexuality in our younger years. This probably led to a large portion of the community to be intensely sex-crazed from desires to be validated. 
 

How I see it is that these bitter “uncles” are projecting their insecurities and unfaithfulness onto others in an attempt to justify their actions and the damage they experienced growing up in a hetero-normative society. 

 

 

You are still not thinking correctly.  No "vocal majority" is negative towards monogamy,  but towards a demand of monogamy from the partner like there is a right to impose it, to have "exclusivity".  If boyfriends are monogamous we see no problem with this, it is their right. The problem exist when they want the other one to be monogamous, and are willing to break up the relationship over this.

 

Also, your teenage dating experience should not influence what your values are and what you expect from others.

 

And your third phrase is, sorry to say, pure bullshit.  I have not detected any "bitter uncles" posting in this thread.  Some more senior posters,  which you depreciatively call "uncles", we detected bitterness and trouble in your original post here, and we wrote comments with the intention to HELP.  So please, try to be gracious and not insulting.

 

In your lack of experience,  you probably haven't encountered many gay couples who have been together for many decades, and who have in common a healthy tolerance for openness, a lack of obsession with fidelity.  Hopefully one day you will find them,  and realize that true love is much more relevant than sexual exclusivity, which loses its importance throughout the decades. 

.

 

 

Edited July 21 by Steve5380

[Strange Fruit]

I think it’s important for the young to have what might be construed as illusions of Romance - life will mostly make you jaded eventually anyway. It might also be possible that the failure to find a relationship that works the way you imagine is precisely what makes one jaded in later years. And it might also be possible to enter into the idea of a relationship right from the start without the preconceived notion of possessiveness and worry of one’s own attractiveness dressed up as ‘love’ for the other party - which admittedly is usually the case for many people who say they ‘love’ their partners too much to share him. I often wonder, if they were the ones constantly receiving sexual advances from people they actually found attractive, and their partner received none, if they wouldn’t be the first to ask for the monogamous cord to be cut. It’s why generally I notice Long-term relationships work best when both parties have balanced leverage - either both are equally attractive (or not) or one party makes up for a lack in one area with a particular ability in another. After all, you fall in love with attributes and qualities, shallow or otherwise, but the ability to last Long-term does require one to put a lot of baggage aside as has been mentioned. It’s why I advocate for wider acceptance of homosexuality - not so that it is legal for men to fuck, they’re going to do it anyway, but so that hopefully future generations of gay men grow up with less emotional baggage and thus can form healthier relationships. 

[juion]

9 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

As much as I want to agreed with you about what you wrote about gays, that they are intensely sex-crazed. I want to highligt to you that sex craze or is a men's thing. 

It is not just a gay thing. Most Men Str8 or Gay will cheat, when the opportunity is right.

As to monogamy, unfortunately, many gay men encountered many cheating partners in a relationship which made the jaded.

I am speaking based on my own experience. When I was younger,  I had 2 relationships and both relationship had my partners cheated on me. I learned the lesson in ealier age that men will cheat. When it comes to my turn in later relationship, as much as I want to control myself, I can't help but also cheat in my relationship. It was not something I was proud about and eventually, my past few relationship ended until my current one. 

Like I said, many young people will have idealist views about relationship, they want exclusivitiy and monogamy, but depending on who you meet, some might be able to give you what you want, but some might not. So you will have to find the right person who could give you what you want and someone who is abe to be inlined with your relationship views. 

I am sure there are others who only want monogamy and faithfulness in a relationship, if your current partner is not able to give you, you might want to find someone who can.
A lasting relationship will work if you can find the right partner that match your views about relationship. 

Yeah sadly men are creatures driven by our d*cks, and I would think gay men are even more so. The sex crazed thing was a personal observation and hypothesis. Isn’t it flattering when someone you think is attractive wants to get into your pants because he finds you attractive as well? I think that’s part of the appeal and excitement — to feel wanted and validated. 
 

I agree with finding a partner that shares the same values on monogamy. It definitely is a choice that both partners have to willingly commit to. Personally, I try my best to avoid situations of temptations as I do not want to be put in a spot where my d*ck aggressively tries to take over my brain, out of respect for my partner. 

[juion]

5 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

You are still not thinking correctly.  No "vocal majority" is negative towards monogamy,  but towards a demand of monogamy from the partner like there is a right to impose it, to have "exclusivity".  If boyfriends are monogamous we see no problem with this, it is their right. The problem exist when they want the other one to be monogamous, and are willing to break up the relationship over this.

 

Also, your teenage dating experience should not influence what your values are and what you expect from others.

 

And your third phrase is, sorry to say, pure bullshit.  I have not detected any "bitter uncles" posting in this thread.  Some more senior posters,  which you depreciatively call "uncles", we detected bitterness and trouble in your original post here, and we wrote comments with the intention to HELP.  So please, try to be gracious and not insulting.

 

In your lack of experience,  you probably haven't encountered many gay couples who have been together for many decades, and who have in common a healthy tolerance for openness, a lack of obsession with fidelity.  Hopefully one day you will find them,  and realize that true love is much more relevant than sexual exclusivity, which loses its importance throughout the decades. 

.

 

 

Sorry to say STEVE, there are helpful and unhelpful comments. This is reminiscent of the naggy aunt who gives unwarranted advice, thinking she's helpful and absolutely correct. The "uncle" was in response to Guest wtf, hence the quotations. But if the shoes fit, feel free to walk in it. I am thankful to the bw members who provided actually useful insights, and I see it as an elder sibling sharing their wisdom and experience objectively to the younger ones. Again, no one is forcing anyone to be in a monogamous relationship. We're all autonomous human beings, and we can choose if we'd like to partake in one. 

 

Not only are the comments from the "bitter uncles" unhelpful, they can be extremely detrimental to the community. I know of people who were taken advantage of at a younger age by older guys who manipulated and convinced them that love or a committed partner was impossible for gay relationships just because they were feeling hormonal and wanted to get some young ass. The idea that an open relationship is the only way for a gay relationship to flourish is incredibly damaging to one's self-worth, and promotes the vicious cycle of excessive cheating and hurt within the community.

 

Also believe it or not, there are various reasons why people choose to practice monogamy such as intimacy, trust, shared goals, sexual/physical & mental health, religious, and other personal values. Whether the personal values are arbitrary or not, monogamy is practiced between TWO consenting adults, unlike what you portray it to be. I know that it is in the extreme end of the polyamorous spectrum,  but it definitely isn't healthy physically nor mentally for any person to indulge in every opportunity of sex. Again, I am supportive of non-monogamy, but it is not for everyone.

 

In my "lack of experience", I have known several gay monogamous couples who have been in LTRs for over a decade. Contrastingly, within my "lack of experience" I have seen couples doomed to end the instant the open-relationship flood gates were opened, though there is a possibility that they just didn't have to courage to end things earlier. Often, an open-relationship is a symptomatic solution to a deep-rooted issue that the couple chooses to avoid.

 

I thank you for your kind intentions, but I pray that there are no susceptible young guys who fall or have fallen prey to you and what you claim to be the "objective truth". Have a good day.

 

 

Edited July 22 by juion

[singalion]

On 7/20/2024 at 7:41 PM, juion said:

Indeed I understand that monogamy is not for everyone, but I would appreciate if you didn't project your values of an open relationship under the guise of "being blunt" or "helpful". Just because cheating or open relationships are fairly common in gay relationships, it doesn't mean that it should normalised and promoted as an end all be all.

 

To clarify, I was not on Grindr nor talking to anyone else. I was confronted by a screenshot of a random Grindr profile. Also, I just want to point out that there is nothing wrong with an open relationship if both parties are consenting.

 

I am sincerely happy if you are happy.

I am truly the one who always wished the other the best. a nice bf, relationship and over most love, happiness and success in life.

 

While I don't consider myself an "uncle" despite the fact that certain Guest trolls aim to paint me as such, I have experienced gay relationships since I am 17y in differing formats and concepts.

 

Grindr is not the world. More important is if you settle your relationship in good terms.

 

I am glad that despite your young age you took the challenge to get into a relationship and I also understand completely your insecurity on times on how to react and what to do. Listen to your inner voice, to experience love is much more important than running around in doubts, jealousy and unhappy situations.

 

However, a drop of realism being injected by some fair comments is also helpful to keep you learning the right things.

 

What we wish to be, expect or hope to have is often not that piece that we are confronted with.

 

 

[Guest Wtf]

11 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

You are still not thinking correctly.  No "vocal majority" is negative towards monogamy,  but towards a demand of monogamy from the partner like there is a right to impose it, to have "exclusivity".  If boyfriends are monogamous we see no problem with this, it is their right. The problem exist when they want the other one to be monogamous, and are willing to break up the relationship over this.

 

Also, your teenage dating experience should not influence what your values are and what you expect from others.

 

And your third phrase is, sorry to say, pure bullshit.  I have not detected any "bitter uncles" posting in this thread.  Some more senior posters,  which you depreciatively call "uncles", we detected bitterness and trouble in your original post here, and we wrote comments with the intention to HELP.  So please, try to be gracious and not insulting.

 

In your lack of experience,  you probably haven't encountered many gay couples who have been together for many decades, and who have in common a healthy tolerance for openness, a lack of obsession with fidelity.  Hopefully one day you will find them,  and realize that true love is much more relevant than sexual exclusivity, which loses its importance throughout the decades. 

.

 

 

 

Straight out telling people that they are ‘not thinking correctly’ hardly seems like someone trying to help.
 

Seems more like someone who loves the sound of their own voice and has difficulty making space to consider that there might be other points of view. Which is quite consistent with all your other posts on this forum. 

[singalion]

But your post is not adding anything to the topic of this thread and simply ranting against a member. It seems that you prefer to listen to the sound of your own rants. 

 

 

[Glyph]

6 hours ago, juion said:

Sorry to say STEVE, there are helpful and unhelpful comments. This is reminiscent of the naggy aunt who gives unwarranted advice, thinking she's helpful and absolutely correct. The "uncle" was in response to Guest wtf, hence the quotations. But if the shoes fit, feel free to walk in it. I am thankful to the bw members who provided actually useful insights, and I see it as an elder sibling sharing their wisdom and experience objectively to the younger ones. Again, no one is forcing anyone to be in a monogamous relationship. We're all autonomous human beings, and we can choose if we'd like to partake in one. 

 

Not only are the comments from the "bitter uncles" unhelpful, they can be extremely detrimental to the community. I know of people who were taken advantage of at a younger age by older guys who manipulated and convinced them that love or a committed partner was impossible for gay relationships just because they were feeling hormonal and wanted to get some young ass. The idea that an open relationship is the only way for a gay relationship to flourish is incredibly damaging to one's self-worth, and promotes the vicious cycle of excessive cheating and hurt within the community.

 

Also believe it or not, there are various reasons why people choose to practice monogamy such as intimacy, trust, shared goals, sexual/physical & mental health, religious, and other personal values. Whether the personal values are arbitrary or not, monogamy is practiced between TWO consenting adults, unlike what you portray it to be. I know that it is in the extreme end of the polyamorous spectrum,  but it definitely isn't healthy physically nor mentally for any person to indulge in every opportunity of sex. Again, I am supportive of non-monogamy, but it is not for everyone.

 

In my "lack of experience", I have known several gay monogamous couples who have been in LTRs for over a decade. Contrastingly, within my "lack of experience" I have seen couples doomed to end the instant the open-relationship flood gates were opened, though there is a possibility that they just didn't have to courage to end things earlier. Often, an open-relationship is a symptomatic solution to a deep-rooted issue that the couple chooses to avoid.

 

I thank you for your kind intentions, but I pray that there are no susceptible young guys who fall or have fallen prey to you and what you claim to be the "objective truth". Have a good day.

 

I concur but it really matters little when even in paradise, Adam and Eve still ate the forbidden fruit.

 

Live and let live, they said. Let's just be glad some of us started off at a time that granted us more autonomy.

[Steve5380]

On 7/17/2024 at 8:10 AM, juion said:

 

tl;dr: I need advice as my boyfriend and I got into a pretty rough patch, and he sent his stats and topless photos on Grindr.

 

 

10 hours ago, juion said:

Sorry to say STEVE, there are helpful and unhelpful comments. This is reminiscent of the naggy aunt who gives unwarranted advice, thinking she's helpful and absolutely correct.

---

I thank you for your kind intentions, but I pray that there are no susceptible young guys who fall or have fallen prey to you and what you claim to be the "objective truth". Have a good day.

 

 

Just a few posts later,  and you changed from "I need advice"  to "unwarranted advice".  

 

Those who offer the advice you seek, cannot know in advance which advice you will like and which you will not.  We usually want to help in good faith, not "nag".  And you are free to accept some advice and disagree with other advice. But one does not expect that having disagreed with one's advice, we have to face your recriminations.  To be gracious, you have to simply ignore the advice you don't like. 

 

If instead you call the advice giver a "bitter uncle",  then a "naggy aunt",  and finally suggest that "young gays may have fallen pray to him", you are not being gracious.  Instead, you don't deserve that one take the time to advice a stranger.  Isn't your attitude childish?  A rejected naggy aunt will not like you, but a stranger will just brush it off.

 

I am a stranger to you, who when his late boyfriend of 21 years became disabled, stepped in and for 15 years until the end was his caregiver, and in this relationship of true love, "absolute fidelity" had a completely different meaning. 

 

I keep giving advice that based on my knowledge and experience I recognize as useful.  This is my morality.  But after giving it,  the result is out of my control and I respect individual freedoms. 

.

Edited July 22 by Steve5380

[Guest AM vs CH?]

13 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 If boyfriends are monogamous we see no problem with this, it is their right. The problem exist when they want the other one to be monogamous, and are willing to break up the relationship over this.

 

You agree that TS should not impose his system of thinking on others who has a different system from him?

[Steve5380]

14 hours ago, Strange Fruit said:

I think it’s important for the young to have what might be construed as illusions of Romance - life will mostly make you jaded eventually anyway. It might also be possible that the failure to find a relationship that works the way you imagine is precisely what makes one jaded in later years. And it might also be possible to enter into the idea of a relationship right from the start without the preconceived notion of possessiveness and worry of one’s own attractiveness dressed up as ‘love’ for the other party - which admittedly is usually the case for many people who say they ‘love’ their partners too much to share him. I often wonder, if they were the ones constantly receiving sexual advances from people they actually found attractive, and their partner received none, if they wouldn’t be the first to ask for the monogamous cord to be cut. It’s why generally I notice Long-term relationships work best when both parties have balanced leverage - either both are equally attractive (or not) or one party makes up for a lack in one area with a particular ability in another. After all, you fall in love with attributes and qualities, shallow or otherwise, but the ability to last Long-term does require one to put a lot of baggage aside as has been mentioned. It’s why I advocate for wider acceptance of homosexuality - not so that it is legal for men to fuck, they’re going to do it anyway, but so that hopefully future generations of gay men grow up with less emotional baggage and thus can form healthier relationships. 

 

There is nothing Strange in what you write, but it makes perfect sense.  A relationship may start with Romance ( and even older people can be romantic ) and the mutual attraction works fine at the beginning. We want our relationship to be successful, and the probability of this happening increases dramatically with one mutual feeling:  a desire of happiness and enjoyment for the partner.  This makes the "balance" less relevant.  After all, we feel this for our family members, parents and children, and there is little balance here.  I know of long-term partners where one helps the other to find his ideal tricks.  And in these long lasting relationships we often see that one of them is intellectual, the other one has social skills,  one is wealthy, the other is not, one is attractive, the other one is less so.   What makes them a couple is this strange feeling: LOVE. 

 

We all have heard this saying: "Love is blind".  Well, there is some wisdom in this, and we should be willing to sometimes close our eyes to a thing our partner does. 

.

Edited July 22 by Steve5380

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Guest AM vs CH? said:

You agree that TS should not impose his system of thinking on others who has a different system from him?

 

Well..  TS has the right to choose a relationship with whoever shares exactly his system of thinking.  If he finds him, good luck!  But probabilities raise sharply if the two slightly adjust their system of thinking to create compatibility.  And the TS does well by seeking advice.  We should do this when necessary.  But he should refrain from criticizing from the advice he gets, the thinking that he dislikes.  After all, he is completely free to pick and choose anyway.

.

Edited July 22 by Steve5380

[Guest Wtf]

2 hours ago, singalion said:

But your post is not adding anything to the topic of this thread and simply ranting against a member. It seems that you prefer to listen to the sound of your own rants. 

 

 

my point was quite clear: giving advice that starts by telling the advice seeker that they are thinking incorrectly is not actually helpful in terms of giving advice.

 

the point of your post is not so clear and you should really reflect on who are the two self-important people who most like to listen to the sound of their own rants on this forum. 

anyway, I hope by now that TS has got all the advice he needs, worked out which people are actually worth listening to and that he can happily move on in the way he sees fit. 

[Steve5380]

8 minutes ago, Guest Wtf said:

my point was quite clear: giving advice that starts by telling the advice seeker that they are thinking incorrectly is not actually helpful in terms of giving advice.

 

the point of your post is not so clear and you should really reflect on who are the two self-important people who most like to listen to the sound of their own rants on this forum. 

anyway, I hope by now that TS has got all the advice he needs, worked out which people are actually worth listening to and that he can happily move on in the way he sees fit. 

 

Your point is clear most of the time.  It is malevolence, in line with your chosen alias "Wtf".   And yes,  I realize that my telling the TS that he was not thinking correctly is in a way an advice, since none of us was criticizing monogamy.  And he seemed to have recognized this advice, since he later gave explanations.

[Kay Boy]

Time to let go and move on when someone doesn't appreciate you

[Steve5380]

On 7/22/2024 at 9:14 AM, Kay Boy said:

Time to let go and move on when someone doesn't appreciate you

 

This makes sense.  Although the best is not to be influenced by the appreciation of others,  and then move on or off depending on one's other criteria.

[memyselfandi]

It's more like finding someone who understands each other. Someone who can compromise to you. Min requirements for a 

Life Partner? Of course by hoping so, ownself will need to have these traits too. Treatothers the way you want to be treated.