My Story - By Waterballoon

[waterballoon]

Hello. I've come to share my 'story' here... and it's actually not a gay story. It's more like some confusion story or something.

Okay.

I fell in love with my junior, and he's a year younger than me.

Okay, it all started in Dec 2007, when I realized that I suddenly just like saying 'hi' to him... and I do that like every hour or something to him. So I mean, I just took a liking to him I think... and like that time was this CCA Camp, so in the nights, I would talk something with him, but usually he just dozes off before I can say anything...

Then, on the last day of the camp, our conductor was super nice and he let us sleep more after breakfast, so we were at the band room and then... I slept next to him... on his thigh. He didn't know about that initially, until someone who saw that told him, and he kept saying 'oh f-word'... or so I heard.

Okay, so it became 2008. I just liked him even more, and talked to him even more. But I could sense that he didn't like me/hated me for the first few months or so... cos he keeps calling me 'sick', and he ignores me and all that.

Then, later on, he drew this drawing of me on the band room's whiteboard, and insulted me with it - calling me fat, and saying that I have a 'puny d**k' and all that... which got me really pissed...

Then the next day, the conductor went to 'lecture' him. What I heard was that the conductor told him something like I'm a very sensitive guy so don't insult me or whatsoever next time. Then this matter just got 'forgotten' like that, never brought up again.

Then like in April, there was this concert, and I had a lot of fun with him on that day. Like we were eating lollipops and I got him to open for me (I honestly don't know how to open a lollipop), which got me really happy... And somemore when we returned back to school, he stroked my hair! I really don't know why he did that, but yeah, he stroked my hair... And I never knew why.

So, since then, our relationship improved I guess. He would ask me out for breakfast on Saturday mornings with his friends (who are somewhat my friends too... all my juniors) before we would go for band together. And yeah, we got to know each other more, and I began to like soccer because of him (and I supported Man U before I knew he supports them too!)...

Hmm, then things started to get complicated, cos there were rumors spreading around in school, about the two of us, so it really was very embarrassing. And I heard even some of the more biatchy/gossipy teachers know about it too... gosh.

Well yeah, then I mean whenever I walk past him with his classmates whom I totally DO NOT KNOW at all, they would start passing some stupid remarks and making fun of us... which was embarrassing. And like one time, he said very loudly, 'it's not funny'.. and I don't know if that was directed to me or his classmates. By the way, I don't purposely go and find him in school or whatever...

Then, in July, there was this performance that I considered to be my 'Last', because I needed to study for a major exam after that. So I thought of making this 'last' day good and all that... but he said I was 'irritating' because I was viewing his view. :| And after that, I got pretty upset, and didn't join them for dinner.

What I HEARD was that when they reached their eating place, he asked about me and where I went... and after that I heard that he said something to the likes of, 'it's better this way' or something like that, which really broke my heart.

But yeah, we stopped talking to each other for several months...

Then it was Nov 2008. Another band camp... I didn't intend on going, but I went for one night when they were passing some certs and all that. But he wasn't there. It was there that I learned that he got stuck in the Bangkok airport while holidaying with his family.

So I got super worried and quickly sms-ed him and all that. He replied, but after telling him who I was, he stopped replying.

Then when he returned, I HEARD (again) that he told this to someone, with a 'disgusted/shocked' expression. ...

Then a month passed, and then there was an event that was organized by a JC, and so our band participated in it too.

It lasted for 3 days. 1st day, we didn't talk. But the 2nd day... I don't know why but we just started talking and all that, even had lunch together, which made me feel that we are friends again.

Then on the last day, which was the performance day too, someone wanted to take a photo of the two of us, but he refused... which made me think that he doesn't like me again... But we had dinner after everything, and I mean I was still happy that I could see him and spend the day with him.

Then on Christmas, I sms-ed him and a lot of other people a Merry Christmas sms... and he replied. He asked if I was xxx (myself) and he wished merry christmas too. I mean wow, I bet I must have sms-ed him so often he 'memorized' my number =.="...

But that made me really happy...

Well then yeah 2008 ended like this.

The start of 2009 was just perfect; we still talked, so I was really happy.

But in mid-Jan, a CCA maze changed everything. His section got lectured by the conductor, and I had the balls to be there as well. I mean I wasn't supposed to... since they're getting lectured and all that. And he called me an 'extra' after that... but I made a mistake after all, so I accepted that, but I was really upset, so I cried.

And he didn't do anything. But the thing was, he knew why I cried, when he was discussing it with other people... so I suppose he doesn't know how to approach me or something, or he's just pissed. Because I cried often in the past too, and whenever I do that, he would come up to me and ask why I'm so 'emo' and all that...

Ha, right now... I think we're slowly building back again... on talking terms again. Yeah, it feels the same as before the CCA maze ever happened.

The real problem is, I really don't know what he's thinking and feeling about us. I mean does he find me a burden, or a nuisance, or does he treat me as a friend? I really don't know.

Argh, I forgot to mention that his FATHER knows about me!... Cos I'm in the alumni band as well, and there was other alumni who was in the JC as his cousin... so yeah his cousin knew about it and told his father. And he didn't want me to know about it, but I did cos whoever he told that to told me... so yeah.

I mean I know a lot of things here are hearsay and rumors... but most of them are really believable. Or rather, I know those people long enough, and I know that I can trust them. I trust him too, that's why I said... whatever he tells me about all these things, I'll believe him.

A lot of my friends told me that he's making use of me, since I borrow money to him and all that, but seriously, he pays me back everything! So, I just don't think there's anything about me that's worth to be 'made use of'...

In reality, I feel really guilty about making him feel so embarrassed in front of his friends... and his father... I mean I'm sure he would prefer it if he never knew me or something I suppose...

But still, we are here today, so I'm really happy. And I just get happy and grateful for all the small things that happen.

I know I'm gay and he's straight, but I don't ask for a relationship. I will be REALLY HAPPY if we are friends, which I guess we are now?

I don't expect anything, only if I may stay as this 'me' who loves him so.

[GachiMuchi]

First and foremost, you need to be less Emo. Because being emo will makes things worst. It is obvious that many people, his friends, your friends, his cousin, your teachers, etc. all knows that you have a serious crush on him. I think he knows it too and he didn't know how to handle all the gossip and unnecessary attention from this "relationship" with you. Luckily, neither of you had sex and that is a good thing. I think he knows that you are a nice person and he do not want to be mean to you. That is why he is blowing hot and cold when he is with you. I think he is more conscious when he is in public with you, while when he is alone with you, he is more relax.

May I suggest you:

1. Open up your circle of friends and don't revolved your entire time around him. For him, it could be very stressful to have you hovering around him all the time as he has to handle the gossips and the stares form others.

2. Tell him directly that you will "be REALLY HAPPY" just as friends and you "don't expect anything" from him. Just his friendship and acceptance of who you are.

3. Grow up and stop being a cry baby. Keep your emotion in check.

4. Go and get some exercise and keep fit. I think it will help you with your self image and confidence.

[waterballoon]

First and foremost, you need to be less Emo. Because being emo will makes things worst. It is obvious that many people, his friends, your friends, his cousin, your teachers, etc. all knows that you have a serious crush on him. I think he knows it too and he didn't know how to handle all the gossip and unnecessary attention from this "relationship" with you. Luckily, neither of you had sex and that is a good thing. I think he knows that you are a nice person and he do not want to be mean to you. That is why he is blowing hot and cold when he is with you. I think he is more conscious when he is in public with you, while when he is alone with you, he is more relax.

May I suggest you:

1. Open up your circle of friends and don't revolved your entire time around him. For him, it could be very stressful to have you hovering around him all the time as he has to handle the gossips and the stares form others.

2. Tell him directly that you will "be REALLY HAPPY" just as friends and you "don't expect anything" from him. Just his friendship and acceptance of who you are.

3. Grow up and stop being a cry baby. Keep your emotion in check.

4. Go and get some exercise and keep fit. I think it will help you with your self image and confidence.

Thank you for your advice!

Sex?! Oh my I wouldn't think of doing that with him... he's straight! But you are right, there are a lot of times when I wonder if he's sick of seeing me or something... I mean I don't know, I really don't know what he's thinking. And he has never told our friends about me, as in he didn't say anything about me, so I can't get any clue from there either. The only thing I'm doing is to guess from his mannerisms towards me.

[metome]

GM : brilliant mature guy you are. Very straight yet encouraging advices you've posted. Wish can meet you one day :clap:

Waterballon : agree with GM that being emo will worsen everything. Open your circle of friends, the wider it is the more chance you'll get to be close to this guy (if you're really in love with him)

Use your emo to show ppl more emphatic and compassion. Help more ppl by your gift, which is emotionally-filled. :thumb:

[waterballoon]

The thing is I do have a lot of friends, and I only get to see him every Saturday, until about the first couple of days of April, because he would have passed out from the CCA by then. So I mean to me, I really wish to make the most out of the remaining days...

[Guest acs]

sounds a lot like an unrequited love of a acs/acjc boy..

chillax..if he truly wants to be your friend..he will come to you..

[waterballoon]

Hahaha okay yesterday was Valentine's Day... and we have CCA again as usual. So like, he got another friend to ask me out for breakfast with them... which got me very happy.

And yeah we were really talking a lot yesterday... since we're in band too and I am an alumni, just stood next to him, count beats together etc... then like whispering into each other's ears etc (cos it's quite loud; the music)... hahaha.

I'm just very very happy that we could stay as being friends...