BF Age catching up, lower sex drive. What will you do?

[First_time]

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

[Steve5380]

The decline in sex drive of your bf may be caused by getting older.  Hopefully you have already a long relationship with your bf, so that the force that keeps you together is LOVE, more than sex.   If there is love in the relationship,  the one with little or no sex drive should not mind if his partner has some flings once in a while.  He does not have to know details about them, but he should welcome that you get much satisfaction from them.

 

In my long relationship with my late bf, after he became disabled he welcomed my not-to-often trips of sex tourism.  I never brought any sex partners to our home, and i never had any fling in our city.   Hopefully your bf will also be reasonable, and you will cheat  ( what a stupid concept ) very seldom and far away from him.

[Guest Careful]

1 hour ago, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

 

You should check on him; he might be having an affair, or worse, a f*** buddy. Earlier this year, I discovered my bf had a f***k buddy. He even brought the guy back. Can you imagine your bf raw by someone?

[MasterFitMalaySG4U]

There lots of stuff u can do.... stimulate horniness...do outdoor sex or trip...massage each other sex....spark the passion.....sex toys...

 

Just don't cheat....don't give a fucking excuse oh flings is okay or etc.....blah2 for the excuse just for the sake for your own pleasure....

 

Cheating liar drama still a big NO NO! Talk it out...do something....bout it ..

 

The question is will u choose do it or u not too n choose excuses make it as a it is okay haha what a toxic red flag manipulative bitch! Haha an asshole! Fight for your partner go extra mile if u think love is beyond that....

 

I am glad I am single available happy horny hard haha 

[JusteMoi]

5 hours ago, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

He is your bf, someone you love, not your sex partner. Rethink whether you truly love him or just for the sex when he was younger and could satisfy your sexual needs. 
Not judging here. Just that perhaps you and your bf have different needs at this stage of your lives. It is worthwhile to have a frank evaluation of your relationship with him. All the best. 😊

Edited September 17, 2024 by JusteMoi

[And then]

Dont assume it is an age thing. It may just be a case of desire for each other waning over time.

Most, if not all, couples going through that if they are together long enough.

 

Communicate with him, to try to come up with a workable solution.

[singalion]

10 hours ago, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

 

Don't worry, that is quite normal in a relationship.

 

It is actually the biggest issue. It is deep rooted also if one of the partners is essentially much younger than the other.

But, there is something just as boredom that creeps in having sex with the partner. It is always the same, the moan is the same, the style is the same.

 

Some guys play their part like a "matrimonial" duty and just do it after some years in the relationship.

(And it is nothing exclusive gay, straight couples have the same issue).

 

I feel sad for those guys where the mutual sex ends already after two years of relationship.

 

Ok: Here my advice:

Try to bring on changes in the sex life. either by toys, roleplay or something sort of fetish that you confess your partner and just try it out.

Going on a holiday is also always good also. Some sunshine during the beach swim and resting will increase the sex drive and the different setting will assist in getting him into the bed sheets. 

If you are the romantic type, get home earlier than your partner, decorate the flat with candles, place rose flower leaves on the floor to the bedroom, place some chocolate cake (or what your lover likes most as dessert) on the side board next to the bed and see how he reacts.

Reminders on your love to him are always the best. Put on some hot tanga slip or anything that arouses him the most.

 

If you are open, talk to your partner on integrating another guy. While you think of it as it is a cheat, but the change will be attractive to your partner. But talk first, after the sex when you're still on the bed, just ask him what his sexual fantasies are.  And don't get jealous on a threesome. Most partners know what you mean to them and wouldn't run off with another guy so easily. It is just sex. (Leave the 3some just with the sex and not anything social).

 

But, reduced sex could also be a result of less attractiveness. If you bulked up some kg, try to get rid of them.

 

As we do not know the role of both of you, I can just give general advice.

 

 

Edited September 18, 2024 by singalion

[First_time]

9 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

The decline in sex drive of your bf may be caused by getting older.  Hopefully you have already a long relationship with your bf, so that the force that keeps you together is LOVE, more than sex.   If there is love in the relationship,  the one with little or no sex drive should not mind if his partner has some flings once in a while.  He does not have to know details about them, but he should welcome that you get much satisfaction from them.

 

In my long relationship with my late bf, after he became disabled he welcomed my not-to-often trips of sex tourism.  I never brought any sex partners to our home, and i never had any fling in our city.   Hopefully your bf will also be reasonable, and you will cheat  ( what a stupid concept ) very seldom and far away from him.

There’s definitely much love. That’s what I think initially. Don’t ask don’t tell. And not-too-often. 

 

8 hours ago, Guest Careful said:

 

You should check on him; he might be having an affair, or worse, a f*** buddy. Earlier this year, I discovered my bf had a f***k buddy. He even brought the guy back. Can you imagine your bf raw by someone?

Quite sure this is not the case. I have 100% trust in him. But sorry about your case. Hope you guys are still together and that you have forgiven him. 
 

5 hours ago, MasterFitMalaySG4U said:

There lots of stuff u can do.... stimulate horniness...do outdoor sex or trip...massage each other sex....spark the passion.....sex toys...

 

Just don't cheat....don't give a fucking excuse oh flings is okay or etc.....blah2 for the excuse just for the sake for your own pleasure....

 

Cheating liar drama still a big NO NO! Talk it out...do something....bout it ..

 

The question is will u choose do it or u not too n choose excuses make it as a it is okay haha what a toxic red flag manipulative bitch! Haha an asshole! Fight for your partner go extra mile if u think love is beyond that....

 

I am glad I am single available happy horny hard haha 

I hear you. Did try sex toys and massages. And manhood massage by professionals too 😅
 

4 hours ago, JusteMoi said:

He is your bf, someone you love, not your sex partner. Rethink whether you truly love him or just for the sex when he was younger and could satisfy your sexual needs. 
Not judging here. Just that perhaps you and your bf have different needs at this stage of your lives. It is worthwhile to have a frank evaluation of your relationship with him. All the best. 😊

We did talk about it. Agree that he’s not just ‘sex partner’. Which is why am trying to work on it and seek help here. 
 

2 hours ago, And then said:

Dont assume it is an age thing. It may just be a case of desire for each other waning over time.

Most, if not all, couples going through that if they are together long enough.

 

Communicate with him, to try to come up with a workable solution.

Also, is it normal for initiative to always come from one side only? Like he got zero initiative. Never try to initiate or at least get into the mood. Maybe yes, lesser desire now. 

[singalion]

5 minutes ago, First_time said:

Quite sure this is not the case. I have 100% trust in him. But sorry about your case. Hope you guys are still together and that you have forgiven him. 

 

It depends if usually your partner had a high sex drive.

I wouldn't rule it out. If he was very sexually active, then he might have some side flings here and there.

Unless, he is very stressed from work, relative issues, money issues etc... But guys up to their mid 60s don't usually have a near to zero sex life.

 

I am just openly frank to you here as I am not the type to talk around the bush.

 

Be prepared that they have been flings on a while.

 

Love is essentially more than just sex. You need to know why you love your partner.

He still might be caring etc etc which are signs that he wants to remain in the relationship with you.

 

 

[Axel-rod]

I think you should give him space and see how he responds. Don’t initiate and wait to see if he does. And honestly, if you love him, please don’t cheat. The guilty conscience is not worth it. It would definitely ruin your relationship. You might want to do some digging and find out why his libido is low. At the end of the day, if sex is important to you, you might want to express it to him. Trust me, if he wants you, he will put the effort needed to keep you. Else, there is no point foryou to keep appearances. Either cheat if you can handle your conscience or leave him. Ultimately, the choice is yours to make!

[singalion]

9 minutes ago, First_time said:

We did talk about it. Agree that he’s not just ‘sex partner’. Which is why am trying to work on it and seek help here. 

 

that keeps me asking , how long have you been together?

 

I mean, you didn't talk about being a couple in a relationship?

 

The issue of talking about the reduced sex might give him pressure that may break your relationship.

You need to handle this issue very sensitively.

Your bursts of jealousy may also be counterproductive.

Tricky I know. Try to get him to talk about the reasons.

 

[singalion]

13 minutes ago, First_time said:

Also, is it normal for initiative to always come from one side only? Like he got zero initiative. Never try to initiate or at least get into the mood. Maybe yes, lesser desire now. 

 

Maybe he just feels shy on the topic.

Do you really think your partner would tell you into the face that you lost sexual attractiveness to him?

 

Maybe, when you sleep together cuddle him to sleep and give him comfort but don't take him the ability to breath.

 

The juncture is difficult, give him some more space for being on himself or clinging on him every second.

 

The thing you need to ask for yourself is, whether he is the guy for your future  even if the sex is lower.

If you are happy with him, then you need to ask yourself whether the sex is the most important in your relationship.

 

[First_time]

10 minutes ago, singalion said:

 

It depends if usually your partner had a high sex drive.

I wouldn't rule it out. If he was very sexually active, then he might have some side flings here and there.

Unless, he is very stressed from work, relative issues, money issues etc... But guys up to their mid 60s don't usually have a near to zero sex life.

 

I am just openly frank to you here as I am not the type to talk around the bush.

 

Be prepared that they have been flings on a while.

 

Love is essentially more than just sex. You need to know why you love your partner.

He still might be caring etc etc which are signs that he wants to remain in the relationship with you.

 

 

He didn’t have high sex drive from the beginning. But it’s just getting lower. Haha. Work stress is definitely one issue. 
 

3 minutes ago, singalion said:

 

Maybe he just feels shy on the topic.

Do you really think your partner would tell you into the face that you lost sexual attractiveness to him?

 

Maybe, when you sleep together cuddle him to sleep and give him comfort but don't take him the ability to breath.

 

The juncture is difficult, give him some more space for being on himself or clinging on him every second.

 

The thing you need to ask for yourself is, whether he is the guy for your future  even if the sex is lower.

If you are happy with him, then you need to ask yourself whether the sex is the most important in your relationship.

 

Definitely happy with him. But cannot have no sex 😅

[phewphew]

Hey, if you want company of other people's stories on similar issue, you can see on reddit for dead bedrooms. 

 

From what I feel, don't cheat. It would make you feel worse. Keep your moral highgrounds (if being in a committed closed relationship is part of your morals)

 

There's a few possibilities that frequent the subreddit. Some that people here have already mentioned. Your partner might be cheating, your partner might just see sex with you as a chore, maybe he's secretly asexual?

 

We can't control other's, but we are in control of ourselves. So here's what I observe other's had done (or proposed to do):

1) Attempt to communicate. From what I know... this sadly usually don't work? The only way it does is if your partner has a secret kink and you have to be willing to participate. If not eventually everything will sound like an excuse to you. (E.g. I'm too tired, stressed, busy. I got to wake up early. I'm not feeling it now...)

2) Discuss about an open relationship. Perhaps they are waiting for it too... Maybe they need a "fresh" taste?

3) Cheat: "don't ask don't tell" but depending on your morals. Will it eat you up inside. And consume every moment with your partner?

4) Break things off. Hey, there's no shame. Sexual chemistry is very important. And it's a need to be fulfilled. It's not about not having enough love or not trying hard enough. But you can only try if the other wants to too... if they can't or are unwilling, you ain't got a choice. 

5) Treat them like a friend: "he's my friend, I cannot have dirty thoughts of him". If you can't have sex, and can't leave him and can't find other people... the last thing you can change is yourself. Is it kinda suppressing yourself... It's up to you to decide... But essentially Pavlov yourself into not wanting any sex with them. You would be surprise to find the day where they try to initiate and you feel like it's no longer a priority in your life... But is that being miserable and petty? I won't judge; if you are trapped, you got to do what you got to do.

 

@Axel-rod did mention something important though. If you had told them how important sex is to you. And if it's important to them too... no matter how tired or busy, they would make time for it. It's a matter of priority. If they really loved you a lot and you sat down and talked to them about it. I really hope they will change for you.

 

Anyway this is just my 2-cents. I really hope things get better. And if they do, please do update us on what you did. It would be a good uplifting story!

[singalion]

28 minutes ago, First_time said:

He didn’t have high sex drive from the beginning. But it’s just getting lower. Haha. Work stress is definitely one issue. 

 

Then creating a relaxing environment is the most important.

 

Give him rest on the weekend and let his own clock play to get him very relaxed.

 

If you are the early bird, prepare a nice and nutritious breakfast.

 

Read up also what food benefits in increasing sex drive (must not be tongkat ali, which actually has plenty of side effects).

 

Walk around in sexy wear after he woke up... catch him directly in the morning...

 

(if he declines the fun everytime, then maybe what others said that he has a sex bunny, might be true).

 

29 minutes ago, First_time said:

Definitely happy with him. But cannot have no sex 😅

 

Be prepared that there will be a time in the future where no sex will be the norm.

 

Just read up on relationships that lasted long.

 

Lastly:

Actually, I am a bit surprised because according to you profile here you are the top. Mostly it are the tops that reduce the fun while the bottoms long for more.

Eventually, you hurt him in some way - forcing to do sex which your partner didn't want - and he feels hurt on that for not respecting him.

 

Best in a relationship is always to talk. Don't shy to talk, but create a good situation to have a talk. (as said above the Sunday morning breakfast at home.)

Try to let him talk and tell you his view on the issue.

 

Maybe you also need to enquire what type of guy attracts him and try to adapt to his sexual desires.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[singalion]

11 minutes ago, phewphew said:

Hey, if you want company of other people's stories on similar issue, you can see on reddit for dead bedrooms. 

 

From what I feel, don't cheat. It would make you feel worse. Keep your moral highgrounds (if being in a committed closed relationship is part of your morals)

 

There's a few possibilities that frequent the subreddit. Some that people here have already mentioned. Your partner might be cheating, your partner might just see sex with you as a chore, maybe he's secretly asexual?

 

We can't control other's, but we are in control of ourselves. So here's what I observe other's had done (or proposed to do):

1) Attempt to communicate. From what I know... this sadly usually don't work? The only way it does is if your partner has a secret kink and you have to be willing to participate. If not eventually everything will sound like an excuse to you. (E.g. I'm too tired, stressed, busy. I got to wake up early. I'm not feeling it now...)

2) Discuss about an open relationship. Perhaps they are waiting for it too... Maybe they need a "fresh" taste?

3) Cheat: "don't ask don't tell" but depending on your morals. Will it eat you up inside. And consume every moment with your partner?

4) Break things off. Hey, there's no shame. Sexual chemistry is very important. And it's a need to be fulfilled. It's not about not having enough love or not trying hard enough. But you can only try if the other wants to too... if they can't or are unwilling, you ain't got a choice. 

5) Treat them like a friend: "he's my friend, I cannot have dirty thoughts of him". If you can't have sex, and can't leave him and can't find other people... the last thing you can change is yourself. Is it kinda suppressing yourself... It's up to you to decide... But essentially Pavlov yourself into not wanting any sex with them. You would be surprise to find the day where they try to initiate and you feel like it's no longer a priority in your life... But is that being miserable and petty? I won't judge; if you are trapped, you got to do what you got to do.

 

@Axel-rod did mention something important though. If you had told them how important sex is to you. And if it's important to them too... no matter how tired or busy, they would make time for it. It's a matter of priority. If they really loved you a lot and you sat down and talked to them about it. I really hope they will change for you.

 

Anyway this is just my 2-cents. I really hope things get better. And if they do, please do update us on what you did. It would be a good uplifting story!

 

Anything that helped might be short term. But for the long term I am a bit hesitating, because his initial sex drive wasn't the highest.

There are couples out there who at the first 2 to 3 years have sex 2 times a day on 5 days a week (what isn't good always too, ha ha as it might get tired and routine in later time), there are couples who have sex when they truly feel for it, once a week, maybe twice a week...

 

There is just no golden rule as every relationship is different.

For some the intimacy of cuddling and kissing is much more important than the penetrative sex act.

 

There are gay couples where both partners are tops and they manage to live together 30 years or longer...

 

Most relationships switch over time to trust and seeking comfort with the partner, giving them a feeling of being safe and not spending time alone in their life.

Not all also sleep together in the same bed over time, it is all about arrangement, one partner snores to the brim, or needs to pee 5 times a night, interrupting the sleep of the other. But it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

 

I am just telling what I see, hear and encounter myself and from my gay coupled friends...

 

 

Edited September 18, 2024 by singalion

[phewphew]

Just now, singalion said:

 

Anything that helped might be short term. But for the long term I am a bit hesitating, because his initial sex drive wasn't the highest.

There are couples out there who at the first 2 to 3 years have sex 2 times a day on 5 days a week (what isn't good always too, ha ha as it might get tired and routine in later time), there are couples who have sex when they truly feel for it, once a week, maybe twice a week...

 

There is just no golden rule as every relationship is different.

For some the intimacy of cuddling and kissing is much more important than the penetrative sex act.

 

There are gay couples where both partners are tops and they manage to live together 30 years or longer...

 

Most relationships switch over time to trust and seeking comfort with the partner, giving them a feeling of being safe and not spending time alone in their life.

Not all also sleep together in the same bed over time, it is all about arrangement, one partner snores to the brim, or needs to pee 5 times a night, interrupting the sleep of the other. But it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

 

I am just telling what I see, hear and encounter  in my gay coupled friends...

 

 

Oh no, you are right. A relationship isn't all about sex... But for some people sex is very important in a relationship. We aren't OP, only he would know...

 

I think at the end of the day,  communication should always be happening... life changes all the time... You just gotta tell each other what y'all feeling and adapt to the new. There can only be solutions if they are willing to talk and work it out together.

 

My advice was more for... what if it feels like a one way street with excuses and stonewalling...

[singalion]

5 minutes ago, phewphew said:

Oh no, you are right. A relationship isn't all about sex... But for some people sex is very important in a relationship. We aren't OP, only he would know...

 

I think at the end of the day,  communication should always be happening... life changes all the time... You just gotta tell each other what y'all feeling and adapt to the new. There can only be solutions if they are willing to talk and work it out together.

 

My advice was more for... what if it feels like a one way street with excuses and stonewalling...

 

No worries, your advice was good. I just had some pointers.

 

But if sex is the most important in a relationship than probably  I need to tell him about the spoiler that sex might cool down to zero over time.

 

Just talk to gay couples who live together for 30 - 50 years.

 

Maybe, it is good to be more realistic about the cycles (or sex cycles) in a relationship.

 

He can break up now with his current partner, but what does he get in the end, maybe in a new relationship a sex drive push for another 1 1/2 years with a dying sex action afterwards... (But you need to find another partner...) Is it worth the break up?

 

As you said, talking is the most important in a relationship, even if the topic is a bit awkward. Create the good relaxed environment and just talk about the issue and see what solutions are around.

 

 

Edited September 18, 2024 by singalion

[cutejack]

4 hours ago, And then said:

Dont assume it is an age thing. It may just be a case of desire for each other waning over time.

Most, if not all, couples going through that if they are together long enough.

 

Communicate with him, to try to come up with a workable solution.

Exactly.  How can a bottom no desire for sex? What female is it? Pussy dry up oredi after menopause. 

He is getting from elsewhere maybe? Open up n discuss with him.

[singalion]

33 minutes ago, cutejack said:

Exactly.  How can a bottom no desire for sex? What female is it? Pussy dry up oredi after menopause. 

He is getting from elsewhere maybe? Open up n discuss with him.

 

Hm, not being so negative and suspect Hanky Panky outside.

 

The bottom might also feel more for being top. It can happen. Shift in role.

Eventually, he just doesn't enjoy being bottom any longer.

 

There are reasons also with low sex drive, when he might be too stressed with work, change of boss, too much workload.

Just stressed out the weekend and simply wants to be resting and relax, maybe also a desire to be alone.

The bf asking him for sex might be turning his mood down as he just doesn't feel it due to the stress.

 

As we all said. sit down and talk.

 

 

[GachiMuchi]

13 hours ago, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

 

How old are you and how old is your BF?

[Guest Reasons]

14 hours ago, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Several possibilites:

 

1) Your bf no longer find sex the only way of showing love

2) He has found another fuck buddy

3) Possible sign of losing interest in you

4) You are no longer attractive sexually

5) He is under a lot of stress due to work, family problems?

6) He found out that too much sex has given me some health issues.

7) He think you are too sexually addicted & possessive, a freak

😎 He is trying to test whether you will still love him without sex

9)  He suspect you are using him as sex toy

10) He found other meaningful purposes in life

 

 

 

[First_time]

2 hours ago, Guest Reasons said:

Several possibilites:

 

1) Your bf no longer find sex the only way of showing love

2) He has found another fuck buddy

3) Possible sign of losing interest in you

4) You are no longer attractive sexually

5) He is under a lot of stress due to work, family problems?

6) He found out that too much sex has given me some health issues.

7) He think you are too sexually addicted & possessive, a freak

😎 He is trying to test whether you will still love him without sex

9)  He suspect you are using him as sex toy

10) He found other meaningful purposes in life

 

 

 

Hahaha. I like your options. Possible reasons: 1, 4, 5…

 

3 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

How old are you and how old is your BF?

Mid and late 30s…

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, First_time said:

Hahaha. I like your options. Possible reasons: 1, 4, 5…

 

Mid and late 30s…

 

Late 30s is too young for this "bf age catching up , lower sex drive".  In your 30s, you should have another 20 to 30 years of good libido, or more.  So I have to laugh about your " at my age, I am still sexually active ".  IF NOT,  there might be some health problem.

 

If there is real love, this should prevail over sex or no sex, the relationship should last forever.  But are you willing to spend 20 or 30 years without sex?  It is possible, but not optimum.  What is practical is that you two agree to a somewhat OPEN relationship, so that you can satisfy your urges / needs.  But this should be in moderation and not becoming promiscuous sluts, primarily to avoid passing STDs to one another.  If there is real love, you will be pleased if the partner had some nice satisfying sex with someone else without emotional attachments.

[MasterFitMalaySG4U]

But it is really nice to have bf or partner who have been with u for a very long time.....but seriously flings? Not recommended. Do what u can first.....there is so many possibilities....don't compare us with western or follow their style haha afterall we are Asians we r classy in our way....

[Guest Terence59]

Hello. I'm 59 and a half now. Fairly good shape most of my life, but now the years are catching up. Rheumatoid and osteoarthritis seem to be Karma's weapons against me. I can only workout 3 days a week now. Can I maintain the muscle I have by doing push-ups,  pull-ups, and dips?

Or do I still need the weights to keep the muscle on?

[doncoin]

As men age, the amount of testosterone reduces, and along with it, our sex drive. It is a reality. Testosterone Replacement Therapy may help. 

 

 

[IkuTube]

On 9/18/2024 at 1:41 AM, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

 

21 hours ago, First_time said:

 

Mid and late 30s…

 

 

Dear @First_time,

 

Reading up your post reminds me so much of my younger day.  When I was at your age, my relationship with my late partner was in the 10th year.   Our age difference was not much and it could be similar between you and your partner.  By then, we had made the choice to stay together with heavy home mortgage commitment.

Just like what you are going through now, I had (probably) a similar issue.  When it happened, I thought it had to do with the 7 years’ itch syndrome where, it is said, things in a relationship could take a change.  Sexually I was frustrated.  Sexually, I felt I was not getting enough.  Emotionally though, I was happier in love with someone who had become a partner and a friend.

As I am looking back today, I was glad that I took charge to address the issue.  I took the courage to talk it out, heart to heart.  Why?  The simple truth, it was because I loved him too much.  I grew up with a notion to treasure with what I had, and I had him.  Plus, I was not going to waste away what I had built without resolving the best for me.

With his agreement, we had a third party – a straight married couple, who knew about us and we trusted them – to mediate the problem.   It was a great therapy.  We argued; there was anger.  We cried; there were pains.  We blamed because we both felt we were right (ah, how our ego played us out!).

The mediation brought us to a common understanding.  Just liked me, he loved me too much too.  Hence, the importance of knowing made a lot of difference towards the effort to work on a relationship that was right by us and for us.

Any relationship takes effort, @First_time.  Reality is, humans are all different in many areas in life.  We may think we think alike but the perspectives can be huge different.  We have to learn to accept this, even if it is hard in the beginning.  We have to learn not to be consumed with personal opinions.  We must not quickly jump into conclusions and judgements.  

How did I learn to accept it?

It was kinda selfish that I dominantly let my life to champion my sexual frustration without realizing his needs.  Probably, just like what you would probably be thinking, I could not understand how a man, any Man, be not interested with sex.  Ah, I have to admit my warped thinking on this particular subject!

I told myself that I was not going to abandon the relationship just because I could not get enough.  LOL .. I forgot that I had Mr DIY to help me and that, I was not alone actually.  My late partner meant so much more than just sex.  You have to acknowledge your feeling and where you stand to fully accept your partner.

When the focus is too much on physical orgasm (aka cumming), a couple tends to dismiss what else is important in the relationship.  A lack of sex does not mean the demise of loving intimacy.  A good kiss is still a good love making.  Just to hold hands to sleep can be sexual stimulating too.  Making love, without ‘cumming’, nourishes the souls.

There are other ways to fulfil sexual frustrations.  There are other ways that the two of you can agree, to disagree.  Bottom line, it is about respect and trust.

Be very open to him – do not hide anything.  Encourage him to do the same thing.  At the same time, listen to him and let him to listen to you too.  Have the open communication on regular basis and not to sweep things under the carpet.  Let the two bodies do the talking for each mind to understand how one’s body functions.

After all, you are who you are and he is what he is.  A relationship is about to find balance to live in harmony with all the differences.  While I continued not having much sexual activities with him, after that 10th year, I have no regrets to have lived with him till death do us part after 32 years together.

I do hope, you find your ways to live amicably with yourself and cherish your relationship with your partner.  Do not throw away a good relationship just because there is not much sex between the two of you.  I am sure there are things you can learn from him, as much he can learn from you.

 

All life's problems have answers.  Plainly, it is how we decipher them to be right by us.  Wishing you all the best, @First_time.

 

 

[GachiMuchi]

23 hours ago, First_time said:

Mid and late 30s…

 

30s to 40s should be at your prime before slowly going down in 50s to 60s.

 

So, I don't think the sex drive is low. Could be other reasons. 

 

Next question. How long have you guys been together?

[Guest Just another one]

I am in the exact situation as you, just that I am the older one with less sex drive.

 

I love him, but sex is just something that is not on my priority list. I can go on weeks without masturbating. That is also why I am rarely the one initiating intimacy. When my partner does that, I will go along. Do I enjoy it? Yes and no. Yes, because it is a union between us. No, because it is tiring.  Do I find him attractive, yes, but beyond the sexual appeal. Many said that one in his 30s should be in his prime and all men are lustful. I disagree.
 

tbh, it does bother me and I have also thought of how I should react to his request should he want to have fun to fulfil his needs. I have no answer. If you do it behind my back, it is a betrayal. Worse still, there are chances of std since we do not use protection. If you asked me openly, I would find it hard to say no, even though it is not my wish. I don’t know how things will become. I kinda envy my friends who have sex like once a month. That frequency is something that I am comfortable with. To have sex few times a week, I really can’t.

 

I know that he has his needs and wants. But at times I wish that we could just cherish each other for who we are and relish the happy moments without overfocusing on making out.

[First_time]

8 hours ago, IkuTube said:

 

 

Dear @First_time,

 

Reading up your post reminds me so much of my younger day.  When I was at your age, my relationship with my late partner was in the 10th year.   Our age difference was not much and it could be similar between you and your partner.  By then, we had made the choice to stay together with heavy home mortgage commitment.

Just like what you are going through now, I had (probably) a similar issue.  When it happened, I thought it had to do with the 7 years’ itch syndrome where, it is said, things in a relationship could take a change.  Sexually I was frustrated.  Sexually, I felt I was not getting enough.  Emotionally though, I was happier in love with someone who had become a partner and a friend.

As I am looking back today, I was glad that I took charge to address the issue.  I took the courage to talk it out, heart to heart.  Why?  The simple truth, it was because I loved him too much.  I grew up with a notion to treasure with what I had, and I had him.  Plus, I was not going to waste away what I had built without resolving the best for me.

With his agreement, we had a third party – a straight married couple, who knew about us and we trusted them – to mediate the problem.   It was a great therapy.  We argued; there was anger.  We cried; there were pains.  We blamed because we both felt we were right (ah, how our ego played us out!).

The mediation brought us to a common understanding.  Just liked me, he loved me too much too.  Hence, the importance of knowing made a lot of difference towards the effort to work on a relationship that was right by us and for us.

Any relationship takes effort, @First_time.  Reality is, humans are all different in many areas in life.  We may think we think alike but the perspectives can be huge different.  We have to learn to accept this, even if it is hard in the beginning.  We have to learn not to be consumed with personal opinions.  We must not quickly jump into conclusions and judgements.  

How did I learn to accept it?

It was kinda selfish that I dominantly let my life to champion my sexual frustration without realizing his needs.  Probably, just like what you would probably be thinking, I could not understand how a man, any Man, be not interested with sex.  Ah, I have to admit my warped thinking on this particular subject!

I told myself that I was not going to abandon the relationship just because I could not get enough.  LOL .. I forgot that I had Mr DIY to help me and that, I was not alone actually.  My late partner meant so much more than just sex.  You have to acknowledge your feeling and where you stand to fully accept your partner.

When the focus is too much on physical orgasm (aka cumming), a couple tends to dismiss what else is important in the relationship.  A lack of sex does not mean the demise of loving intimacy.  A good kiss is still a good love making.  Just to hold hands to sleep can be sexual stimulating too.  Making love, without ‘cumming’, nourishes the souls.

There are other ways to fulfil sexual frustrations.  There are other ways that the two of you can agree, to disagree.  Bottom line, it is about respect and trust.

Be very open to him – do not hide anything.  Encourage him to do the same thing.  At the same time, listen to him and let him to listen to you too.  Have the open communication on regular basis and not to sweep things under the carpet.  Let the two bodies do the talking for each mind to understand how one’s body functions.

After all, you are who you are and he is what he is.  A relationship is about to find balance to live in harmony with all the differences.  While I continued not having much sexual activities with him, after that 10th year, I have no regrets to have lived with him till death do us part after 32 years together.

I do hope, you find your ways to live amicably with yourself and cherish your relationship with your partner.  Do not throw away a good relationship just because there is not much sex between the two of you.  I am sure there are things you can learn from him, as much he can learn from you.

 

All life's problems have answers.  Plainly, it is how we decipher them to be right by us.  Wishing you all the best, @First_time.

 

 

@IkuTube, sincerely appreciate you sharing your story. I’m staying in the relationship because I think he’s the right one and our situation is similar in many ways. 
 

I did try to communicate and I will keep trying in a way that he can accept. One issue I’m facing is that he will avoid the conversation every time I bring it up. Or should I say every time I bring up a conversation that’s more serious or needed improvement. 
 

It will all end up not well and without addressing the root cause or how we can work things out. But I will reflect. Maybe it’s my approach. 

6 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

30s to 40s should be at your prime before slowly going down in 50s to 60s.

 

So, I don't think the sex drive is low. Could be other reasons. 

 

Next question. How long have you guys been together?

 4 years

 

2 hours ago, Guest Just another one said:

I am in the exact situation as you, just that I am the older one with less sex drive.

 

I love him, but sex is just something that is not on my priority list. I can go on weeks without masturbating. That is also why I am rarely the one initiating intimacy. When my partner does that, I will go along. Do I enjoy it? Yes and no. Yes, because it is a union between us. No, because it is tiring.  Do I find him attractive, yes, but beyond the sexual appeal. Many said that one in his 30s should be in his prime and all men are lustful. I disagree.
 

tbh, it does bother me and I have also thought of how I should react to his request should he want to have fun to fulfil his needs. I have no answer. If you do it behind my back, it is a betrayal. Worse still, there are chances of std since we do not use protection. If you asked me openly, I would find it hard to say no, even though it is not my wish. I don’t know how things will become. I kinda envy my friends who have sex like once a month. That frequency is something that I am comfortable with. To have sex few times a week, I really can’t.

 

I know that he has his needs and wants. But at times I wish that we could just cherish each other for who we are and relish the happy moments without overfocusing on making out.

Wow. You sounded just like him. And thank you for being so open. I really want to understand from a different perspective or from his perspective. Because like @ikutube initially, I can’t understand how a man not interested in sex. But hearing from you opens up my mind a little. 

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, First_time said:

@IkuTube, sincerely appreciate you sharing your story. I’m staying in the relationship because I think he’s the right one and our situation is similar in many ways. 
 

I did try to communicate and I will keep trying in a way that he can accept. One issue I’m facing is that he will avoid the conversation every time I bring it up. Or should I say every time I bring up a conversation that’s more serious or needed improvement. 
 

It will all end up not well and without addressing the root cause or how we can work things out. But I will reflect. Maybe it’s my approach. 

 4 years

 

Wow. You sounded just like him. And thank you for being so open. I really want to understand from a different perspective or from his perspective. Because like @ikutube initially, I can’t understand how a man not interested in sex. But hearing from you opens up my mind a little. 

 

You should keep trying to have him voluntarily engage in serious conversation.  Perhaps by warning him that avoidance of serious conversations can doom the best relationship.

 

Hopefully you will have a long life, because when you approach my age you will understand how a man can start losing interest in sex.  And this is perfectly fine, since the the lost interest in sex gets replaced with many other interests.

[Steve5380]

23 hours ago, doncoin said:

 

As men age, the amount of testosterone reduces, and along with it, our sex drive. It is a reality. Testosterone Replacement Therapy may help. 

 

 

How the testosterone reduces with age varies much with the health of the person.  Testosterone replacement has its own set of negative side effects. With a healthy lifestile that includes plenty of exercise to preserve muscle, there is little wrong with low testosterone.  It is even speculated that this increases longevity.

[doncoin]

1 hour ago, Steve5380 said:

How the testosterone reduces with age varies much with the health of the person.  Testosterone replacement has its own set of negative side effects. With a healthy lifestile that includes plenty of exercise to preserve muscle, there is little wrong with low testosterone.  It is even speculated that this increases longevity.

 

While it’s true that testosterone levels decline differently depending on a person’s health, it’s not accurate to imply that maintaining a “healthy lifestyle” can completely mitigate the negative effects of low testosterone. Testosterone plays a critical role in various bodily functions, including mood regulation, bone density, and energy levels. Even individuals with healthy lifestyles may experience symptoms like fatigue, depression, or a reduction in bone density that cannot be resolved solely with exercise or diet.

 

It is not accurate to say that there is “little wrong” with low testosterone. Low testosterone (hypogonadism) is linked to various health issues, including an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, reduced bone density (leading to osteoporosis), muscle weakness, and mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety. Additionally, low testosterone is associated with metabolic issues, including obesity and insulin resistance.

 

Some studies indicate that men with low testosterone are at greater risk of developing serious health conditions, including cardiovascular disease and metabolic syndrome. Additionally, testosterone replacement in older men, when appropriately prescribed, has not been shown to reduce lifespan but rather to improve overall health markers. The key is proper medical supervision. In many cases, side effects are manageable when TRT is prescribed appropriately and monitored closely by healthcare professionals.

 

Anyway, I digress, but back to the topic. Sex is a form of intimacy between two people in general. An important part of sex is making us feel desired, which is important in a relationship. As many suggested, having an honest conversation is important, and you, @First_time need to work out a solution that is satisfactory to both of you. The last thing you want is to be resentful in the years to come because you based your decision on him and the relationship and not on you. 

 

 

Edited September 19, 2024 by doncoin

[sg indian here]

Vigara...it 💪 works if correctly taken...for me it's in the morning sex.

[phewphew]

10 hours ago, First_time said:

 did try to communicate and I will keep trying in a way that he can accept. One issue I’m facing is that he will avoid the conversation every time I bring it up. Or should I say every time I bring up a conversation that’s more serious or needed improvement. 

 

It will all end up not well and without addressing the root cause or how we can work things out. But I will reflect. Maybe it’s my approach. 

 

May I ask what he does to avoid it. Does he just stop talking and ignore you. Stone wall you? Bring up another issue?

 

What other serious conversations had happened... And has any of them ever worked or seen some fruitful results?

[simply_me]

On 9/18/2024 at 1:41 AM, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

i think for this one. you really need to think or do some reflection about yourself and your relationship. You must try to go back to the core of your relationship, is it about love or sex? Coz if its about sex, then end the relationship. Coz if you will not leave now. You will not be satisfied at all and you will end up cheating and hurting your Bf. But if its about love, then you should define what is love for you?… ite already 2024, you can explore sex toys with your partner. DONT EVER CHEAT just because of your sexual urge. If you not happy/satisfied with the whole relationship just end it. Be fair to your BF. my 2 cents

[Steve5380]

On 9/19/2024 at 11:54 AM, First_time said:

 

I did try to communicate and I will keep trying in a way that he can accept. One issue I’m facing is that he will avoid the conversation every time I bring it up. Or should I say every time I bring up a conversation that’s more serious or needed improvement. 
 

It will all end up not well and without addressing the root cause or how we can work things out. But I will reflect. Maybe it’s my approach. 

 4 years

 

 

4 years together is already something positive. A logical point of inflexion: to continue, or to end.   It is important that he understands that serious conversations are needed for it to continue.  And if serious conversations cannot be held, he should have to face a serious situation.  If it has to end, it is fair that he understands that HE is contributing to the end too, by not being willing to seriously discuss.  So it is not that "you are just dumping him",  but that he voluntarily is leading to the separation.

 

And here @IkuTube gave you some good advice,  to take if you two will not accept a slightly open relationship:

 

"I told myself that I was not going to abandon the relationship just because I could not get enough.  LOL .. I forgot that I had Mr DIY to help me and that, I was not alone actually.  My late partner meant so much more than just sex.  You have to acknowledge your feeling and where you stand to fully accept your partner.

When the focus is too much on physical orgasm (aka cumming), a couple tends to dismiss what else is important in the relationship.  A lack of sex does not mean the demise of loving intimacy.  A good kiss is still a good love making.  Just to hold hands to sleep can be sexual stimulating too.  Making love, without ‘cumming’, nourishes the souls."

 

Yes, the need of physical orgasm can be resolved with a DIY.  This did sustain me for several long periods in my life.  LOVING INTIMACY can stop short of the act of sex, and it nourishes the soul with emotional intimacy that has the component of love.  Then, your hormones have the relief of the DIY, and your soul receives the necessary love to successfully stay with your partner indefinitely.  I wish you good luck!

[singalion]

On 9/20/2024 at 12:54 AM, First_time said:

 

 4 years

 

 

That's way too early to stop sex. 

 

But it could be linked to certain health issues, such as high blood pressure and diabetes. Was any check done?

 

If your bf avoids the talking then create the perfect setting. Just talk and don't stop on the issue. 

 

I don't want to sound too negative or worry you, but the scenario hints to me a bit that your bf is enjoying certain outside food. Probably, someone regular. 

Does he need to go business trips, tells you he needs to work long hours, has a certain "schedule" where hw comes home late, has excuses as requiring to visit his parents/siblings etc. 

 

But don't start being possessive or without his knowledge intrude his privacy. Just observe first only. 

 

 

[Guest Arrrrr]

People here jumped to conclusion that the bf is having his good share of meat out there. Please la, not everyone is as horny and desperate. That is how the community got its bad name.

 

I spend long hours at work, and by night time, I am all too tired to even think about sex. So it is not such a rare thing for one not to be interested about sex. Intimacy goes beyond penetration, and I like it when I spend quality time with my partner. 
 

With that said, if TS thinks that sex is top priority to you and you cannot stand the existing low frequency, you can choose to let the relationship go knowing that things are not going to change. TBH, I was in that situation and it stressed me out when I knew that my partner was gonna ask for sex. Ultimately, we had a talk and decided on an agreed frequency. 

[singalion]

I think you should not have written your second sentence as "Not everyone is as horny and desperate. "

The desperate in this context is wrong. 

 

I also don't think straight people have lesser sex than homosexuals. It is all situational. 

I met straight guys who were dating another sex partner nearly daily from Tinder or other apps. 

 

Sure, during phases with a lot of work load, long hours, your sex drive might be reduced. But there are also guys who actually have a higher sex drive during such phases as they feel more relaxed after sex action and gain a sort of relief from their stress. 

 

Therefore, stress, work etc can have the opposite result of what we would expect. 

People even seek sex during such phases to get reprieve . 

 

 

[ToughGuy]

On 9/18/2024 at 1:41 AM, First_time said:

At my age, am still sexually active. Bf sex drive is lower day by day. From once a week to once a month. Sometimes longer. 
 

Thought of getting a fling once a while but feel bad for cheating. Anyone facing the same and what will you do?

You sure he not unloading onto or into someone else?

 

Ignore this since u hv 100% trust 

Edited September 26, 2024 by ToughGuy

[cutejack]

11 hours ago, ToughGuy said:

You sure he not unloading onto or into someone else?

 

Ignore this since u hv 100% trust 

Like official govt letter sia reading the 2nd sentence. 

[ToughGuy]

18 minutes ago, cutejack said:

Like official govt letter sia reading the 2nd sentence. 

Always need to know what exit clause to use..😂😂😂

[singalion]

3 hours ago, cutejack said:

Like official govt letter sia reading the 2nd sentence. 

 

Nah, official gov letter will say the content protected by official secrets act and cannot disclose to anyone else... 🤣

[Guest Kamlankia]

I think not uncommon for frequency of sex to come down over the years. This happens to married couples too let alone gay couples who tend to be more promiscuous and like to fool around. 

If you don't make an effort to maintain your physique and appearance as a minimum, then don't blame your partner to stray. If you don't make attempts to make your sex with your partner more exciting... Always sticking to missionary or avoiding deep tongue kissing or stop rimming his ass, then don't blame him for going out for the extras. 

I am a married man for more than 40 years and have a regular bf for more than 10 years and I still fuck my wife a few times a month and she has been good all these years by never refusing me or trying different things/positions. My boy friend of 10 years has never been that into anal as he has a thick one and he is afraid he wld hurt me of he fucks me. So he sucks me and fingers me while sucking me all these years to make up for what I couldn't ask my wife to do... Ie play with my ass. Because I couldn't get my bf to fuck me and I so long for a good hard cock inside me once in a while, I go outside for it on a nsa basis without either of them knowing... So I get my sexual needs fulfilled and both are still happy. 

So my friend, if you have done enough for your bf and he still doesn't want more sex with you, outsource it without telling him. Just be safe and have your fun outside. Then at least you are happy. 

[Steve5380]

4 hours ago, Guest Kamlankia said:

 

I think not uncommon for frequency of sex to come down over the years. This happens to married couples too let alone gay couples who tend to be more promiscuous and like to fool around. 

If you don't make an effort to maintain your physique and appearance as a minimum, then don't blame your partner to stray. If you don't make attempts to make your sex with your partner more exciting... Always sticking to missionary or avoiding deep tongue kissing or stop rimming his ass, then don't blame him for going out for the extras. 

 

 

Yes... it's not uncommon for frequency to come down over the years.  My frequency now at 81 is less than when I was 18.   And we should try to maintain our physique and appearance as best as possible for more than to keep the partner from cheeting.

 

4 hours ago, Guest Kamlankia said:

 

So my friend, if you have done enough for your bf and he still doesn't want more sex with you, outsource it without telling him. Just be safe and have your fun outside. Then at least you are happy. 

 

 

We should aim for a relationship that has plenty of TRUE LOVE.  If this is the case, then the sexual attraction and its activity does not need to last forever but be just sufficient to let this true love build up.  Thereafter, it is nice to maintain some intimacy, or maybe not even this.  Then, the issue of sexual fidelity should lose its importance, and be replaced by an emotional, spiritual fidelity.  And for sex, some moderate openness can keep the parterners satisfied.  MODERATE is the key, to preserve mutual health by avoiding STDs. 

 

[Guest Keep it secret]

On 9/20/2024 at 3:01 AM, doncoin said:

 

It is not accurate to say that there is “little wrong” with low testosterone. Low testosterone (hypogonadism) is linked to various health issues, including an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, reduced bone density (leading to osteoporosis), muscle weakness, and mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety. Additionally, low testosterone is associated with metabolic issues, including obesity and insulin resistance.  Some studies indicate that men with low testosterone are at greater risk of developing serious health conditions,

 

 

 

Actually, my estrogen went up.  No wonder I kept looking at your picture with my eyes and mouth wide opened. 

 

[doncoin]

57 minutes ago, Guest Keep it secret said:

Actually, my estrogen went up.  No wonder I kept looking at your picture with my eyes and mouth wide opened. 

 

 

Good for you. 

[cutejack]

8 hours ago, Guest Kamlankia said:

I think not uncommon for frequency of sex to come down over the years. This happens to married couples too let alone gay couples who tend to be more promiscuous and like to fool around. 

If you don't make an effort to maintain your physique and appearance as a minimum, then don't blame your partner to stray. If you don't make attempts to make your sex with your partner more exciting... Always sticking to missionary or avoiding deep tongue kissing or stop rimming his ass, then don't blame him for going out for the extras. 

I am a married man for more than 40 years and have a regular bf for more than 10 years and I still fuck my wife a few times a month and she has been good all these years by never refusing me or trying different things/positions. My boy friend of 10 years has never been that into anal as he has a thick one and he is afraid he wld hurt me of he fucks me. So he sucks me and fingers me while sucking me all these years to make up for what I couldn't ask my wife to do... Ie play with my ass. Because I couldn't get my bf to fuck me and I so long for a good hard cock inside me once in a while, I go outside for it on a nsa basis without either of them knowing... So I get my sexual needs fulfilled and both are still happy. 

So my friend, if you have done enough for your bf and he still doesn't want more sex with you, outsource it without telling him. Just be safe and have your fun outside. Then at least you are happy. 

Outsource. Hahahahahhaha.