Relationship: Dilemma

[CheekyGAM]

Appreciate any inputs! 
 

Keeping it concise:
 

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for more than a dozen years.

 

We had great few years. A few years ago, I cheated on him once. We had our moments, we made good. 
 

Since Covid, we haven’t been able to meet. We chat daily but it was never the same. Had an ultimate conversation a few months ago - we agreed on the same goals and have been making noticeable progress each visit - for eg more touch, more play and etc. Keeping it monogamous and going for anal sex as end goal. 
 

Recently, I found out he has a sex buddy locally and they pay to play for 3rd player.  I know because I spied his phone. 
 

I don’t blame him for ‘cheating’ but am upset because he choose not to be honest with me. I want to speak with him but am afraid he may end it with me because of the invasion or privacy. We are making good progress. 
 

Some say confront - if he ends it, it’s better to cut the losses now. 
 

I think - since we are making good, maybe it will eventually end well? 
 

It’s a lot to give up. What advise will you give me?

 

Im 37 and this is my first relationship. Thanks!

[GachiMuchi]

I think you guys need to face the fact that you guys are at a sexually mature age where trying to be monogamous is not some thing either one of you can handle.

 

Moreover you guys are so far away from each other. 

I would suggest that you guys talk about opening up your relationship but on the condition that both of you play it safe. Always with condom and or on prep.
Don't dig or spy, if you cannot handle the truth. What is the point if you don't want to end the relationship when you caught him having flings?

Then what is the point of you spying? Some times, what you don't know don't hurt.

If both of you agree to open up, and can accept such arrangements then good. If not, do you really want to hold onto someohe who no longer loves you?

When you say we made good, do you really feel good? or are you just lying to yourself.

Are you not able to find another?

It does not means you guys can't be good buddies or friends after you end your LTR. I am sure there is a bond, but that bond might had already becomes "family" instead of intimate lovers.

 

Anyway, there is no right or wrong on how you want your relationship to go. Don't need to follow the str8 people that die die must have mongamous relationshiph.  Monogamy works for some but not for others. You both can come up with something that works for you.

 

My 2 cents.

[CheekyGAM]

Thank you! 
 

To elaborate further, I am most willing to handle the truth. I’m open to discussing renting boys with me instead, and etc. However, I fear he will evade this conversation altogether. The loss of everything is something I fear the most - is it worth it? 
 

If not, should I give it a more months and pray things get better between us and this will disappear organically? 

[Relationship]

Follow your heart and you will be on the right track

[Naveyafluz]

Never had a relationship so can't relate to, but I feel communication is the best solution, no matter what's the decision is. 

[Eddie Adrika]

Hey there,

 

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot together, and it’s clear you care deeply about your relationship. Here are a few things to consider:

 

Honesty and Communication: It’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. While it might be scary to bring up the fact that you looked at his phone, it’s important to address the trust issues and the feelings of betrayal you’re experiencing. You could start by acknowledging your mistake and expressing your feelings without placing blame.

 

Understanding Each Other’s Needs: Discussing your needs and boundaries is essential. If you’re open to exploring new dynamics together, like renting boys, it might be worth bringing up in a non-confrontational way. This could help you both understand each other’s desires and find common ground.

 

Evaluating Progress: Reflect on the progress you’ve made and whether it’s sustainable. If you feel that the relationship is moving in a positive direction, it might be worth giving it more time. However, if the trust issues continue to cause significant distress, it might be necessary to reconsider your options.

 

Seeking Support: Sometimes, talking to a therapist or counselor can provide valuable insights and help navigate complex emotions. They can offer a neutral perspective and guide you through difficult conversations.

 

Ultimately, the decision is yours, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being and happiness. Whatever you decide, make sure it aligns with your values and what you want for your future.

Edited October 25 by Eddie Adrika

[IkuTube]

@CheekyGAM,

 

Maybe I am reading too much into you and I would like to apologize for doing so.

From the way you write, you are a clear headed person indeed.  You know what simplicity is and you like life to be such.  You wish you could apply simplicity to the mental and emotional states of life too.  While the mind thinks it knows what is best, the emotional heart is always a tricky one.  Reconciling these two takes a firm mindset for full acceptance to be in place.

Obviously, you know how to handle your long distance relationship [LTR] for it has been "more than a dozen years".  The works have been working well.  The mind has accepted on the reality of being far from each other all these years.  I salute your emotional toleration all throughout these years.

Congratulations to the two of you to make it last this long!  I do wish it will go on into the golden years, the way you want it too.

Where you are in this relationship, you are a truth seeker.  What is important for you is to know what is in his heart – the truth.  Speaking the truth is utmost important as you are unable to be closely physical with him most time.  You want him to communicate at your level and admitting the ‘cheating’ episodes.  Deep within you, you know how LTR works – that, there will be no perfection.  Perhaps, share this sentiment of yours with him to make him to understand how your heart works.  Only when there is clarity, understanding takes its form and shape.

Honesty – a value you want to resolve, is a variable virtue.  Honesty is sensitive and delicate.  Honesty takes two hands to clap.  However, do know - when a person is not telling the whole truth, it does not mean that the person is not honest.  There are other considerations, including his ways of life – his custom/culture and his life before you (to name few).

Only when these considerations are addressed that honesty works ‘good’.  Yes, it can be good and may not be 100% perfect.  Just like the way your heart felt "but am afraid he may end it with me because of the invasion or privacy".

You may want to let yourself be vulnerable here.  Maybe you share with him how much you treasure this relationship, albeit the distance.  Maybe you share with him how much you are afraid to lose him should you speak from the truth of your heart.

Hopefully, your vulnerability opens him up.  Vulnerability helps to build trust and honesty with others.  It fosters empathy.  Bear in mind, no one is perfect but a goal is.

 

Maybe, by then, you get him to share his.  Tell him it is important to you.  This exercise is about communication to establish a common language, a common goal.

You wrote :  “The loss of everything is something I fear the most – is it worth it?”

Find the silence of a beautiful moment to thread your situation sensibly.  While you need to think about you first (aka self love), consider his actions and reactions (based from what you have had learned throughout the years with him).  Find the balance.  Find the harmony.

Address your fear before you approach him.  Address your life goals.  Address your strengths and weaknesses with and without him.  Probably, and this is hard .. are you willing to look into self worth?

At the end of the day, a good quality life – be it for you alone or shared with a partner – is about knowing.  The knowing comes from a deep awakening realization of what a heart wants and how the emotional heart accepts on life’s hard truths.

May you find the peace to make things right, @CheekyGAM.

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

@CheekyGAM,  it seems from your post that you are afraid of his feelimgs once he learns that you peaked into his phone ( violation of privacy? ).  But you have a valid motivation:  YOU CARE FOR HIM  to the point that you could not resist your curiosity and did what you thought would contribute to the relationship.  He might understand, and see it the same way. 

 

Shortly after my bf of 21 years came to live with me,  I discovered that he had found a diary I keep, and...  he tried to erase the phone number of a previous bf of mine!  Did I get all upset?  No.  I explained to him that this previous relationship had ended, and only friendship remained.  My reasoning?  If he sneaked into my privacy, this could have been a sign that he estimated our relationship!

 

About the "cheating" of you two...  if the relationship survives,  this means that there is at least a trace of true love between the two.  There are many long-term gay relationships that keep strong, because... because there is no more "cheating" since there is an understanding of moderate openess.  

[Sweetie Pie]

4 hours ago, CheekyGAM said:

Appreciate any inputs!   Keeping it concise:

 

 

Over-expectation kills many things, especially a relationship.  Concise enough?

[FattChoy]

4 hours ago, CheekyGAM said:

Appreciate any inputs! 
 

Keeping it concise:
 

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for more than a dozen years.

 

We had great few years. A few years ago, I cheated on him once. We had our moments, we made good. 
 

Since Covid, we haven’t been able to meet. We chat daily but it was never the same. Had an ultimate conversation a few months ago - we agreed on the same goals and have been making noticeable progress each visit - for eg more touch, more play and etc. Keeping it monogamous and going for anal sex as end goal. 
 

Recently, I found out he has a sex buddy locally and they pay to play for 3rd player.  I know because I spied his phone. 
 

I don’t blame him for ‘cheating’ but am upset because he choose not to be honest with me. I want to speak with him but am afraid he may end it with me because of the invasion or privacy. We are making good progress. 
 

Some say confront - if he ends it, it’s better to cut the losses now. 
 

I think - since we are making good, maybe it will eventually end well? 
 

It’s a lot to give up. What advise will you give me?

 

Im 37 and this is my first relationship. Thanks!

 

Staying in a monogamous relationship is as natural as a human being sleeping while doing a handstand.  Doomed to fail from Day 1

Edited October 25 by FattChoy

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Sweetie Pie said:

Over-expectation kills many things, especially a relationship.  Concise enough?

 

Under-expectation wastes many things, like lives.

 

2 hours ago, FattChoy said:

 

Staying in a monogamous relationship is as natural as a human being sleeping while doing a handstand.  Doomed to fail from Day 1

 

What you describes is to honestly stay virgin.  Staying in a monogamous relationship is like trying to close the eyes and sleep with bright lights fully on.

[Sweetie Pie]

12 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

Under-expectation wastes many things, like lives.

 

I have no expectation whatsoever.  I believed solitude is better than society, silence is wiser than speech and loveless is better than dilemma, chaos and depression.   I don't feel I have wasted anything at all.  Do you?

[Steve5380]

10 minutes ago, Sweetie Pie said:

I have no expectation whatsoever.  I believed solitude is better than society, silence is wiser than speech and loveless is better than dilemma, chaos and depression.   I don't feel I have wasted anything at all.  Do you?

 

If you are happy with your present life, you haven't wasted anything.   A different philosophy would be:  try to fill your life with as many experiences as possible.  So you may be missing something with solitude, silence, loveless.  But on further thinking,  why should more experiences be better than less?  What is life but the passage of time in full consciousness?  

[Sweetie Pie]

On 10/26/2024 at 9:58 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

  A different philosophy would be:  try to fill your life with as many experiences as possible.  So you may be missing something with solitude, silence, loveless.

Why are you so certain that I have no experience?  Actually, my experiences were so powerful that I cherish the strength of lovelessness, the importance of stillness, and the force of solitude.  Do you still require additional time to understand its significance?

[Steve5380]

7 hours ago, Sweetie Pie said:

Why are you so certain that I have no experience?  Actually, my experiences were so powerful that I cherish the strength of lovelessness, the importance of stillness, and the force of solitude.  Do you still require additional time to understand its significance?

 

No. I understand it perfectly well.  I also cherish solitude, silence.  But not loveless, since I enjoy love,  both to feel, to give it,  and... to receive it.  And about stillness, this can be enjoyed as an exception,  while we should seek movement, activity.   This is simply a personal choice. 

[singalion]

On 10/25/2024 at 2:16 PM, CheekyGAM said:

Appreciate any inputs! 
 

Keeping it concise:
 

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for more than a dozen years.

 

We had great few years. A few years ago, I cheated on him once. We had our moments, we made good. 
 

Since Covid, we haven’t been able to meet. We chat daily but it was never the same. Had an ultimate conversation a few months ago - we agreed on the same goals and have been making noticeable progress each visit - for eg more touch, more play and etc. Keeping it monogamous and going for anal sex as end goal. 
 

Recently, I found out he has a sex buddy locally and they pay to play for 3rd player.  I know because I spied his phone. 
 

I don’t blame him for ‘cheating’ but am upset because he choose not to be honest with me. I want to speak with him but am afraid he may end it with me because of the invasion or privacy. We are making good progress. 
 

Some say confront - if he ends it, it’s better to cut the losses now. 
 

I think - since we are making good, maybe it will eventually end well? 
 

It’s a lot to give up. What advise will you give me?

 

Im 37 and this is my first relationship. Thanks!

 

Long distance relationships are not known to last for long or ever.

 

The point is just that you need to make your own decision what value this long distance relationship has to you.

 

Might be better to let go and look for something more nearby.

 

Another solution would be that one has to make the shot and move to the other's place.

However, reading about the happy life the partner has overseas, he probably wouldn't want to move.

I know the longer it goes on with the long distance relationship, we start getting used to it and complacent, but with 37y it is probably still and age

to find a partner living close.

But as said, the value of the relationship is relevant, whether it means all or just something to you.

 

There are also plenty of cases where long distance partners moved together and broke off after 3 - 9 months. Happened to me before.

Meeting on some weekends is always different to living together every day.

 

I have written plenty on monogamous relationships, which in my view don't really exist the longer the couple is together, so finding an acceptable arrangement might be the best between both of you. You might not be aware if the guy is just a fB or some sort of partner already...

 

You need to find out whether when you turn up you're just a sexual distraction or seriously a boyfriend to the guy.

 

Spying on phones, emails, laptops mostly doesn't bring up good news... Yes, I know on times we are getting curious, but often it is better to go on with the "I don't know attitude"...

 

 

 

 

[CheekyGAM]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all of you taking time. I had read all of them and will apply what I feel is best and works for me. Thanks again!

[egal]

what is the decision then

[Steve5380]

6 hours ago, egal said:

what is the decision then

 

For you, it is YOUR decision.  The same for any one of us.   Hopefully you have the means to make GOOD decisions.