GayNomad Posted December 18 Report Share Posted December 18 (edited) Hoping to start a discussion and hear what is everyone's thought on this. So u met this very attractive guy on a dating app/forum. He is upfront about the fact that he is attached already but is open to make new friends. Would you even befriend him knowing that he is attached and that u might fall for him yet there might not be an outcome. After a few dates, u realized that u both have fallen for each other and he wants to break up with his partner to be with you. Would u accept it? If he can cheat on his current partner, u might do the same to you in the future. Karma comes around. Edited December 18 by GayNomad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axel-rod Posted December 18 Report Share Posted December 18 It depends on what you want! I might be cynical but I am not sure its possible to find a partner who will never cheat. Human beings especially men are not programmed to be monogamous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve5380 Posted December 18 Report Share Posted December 18 5 minutes ago, Axel-rod said: It depends on what you want! I might be cynical but I am not sure its possible to find a partner who will never cheat. Human beings especially men are not programmed to be monogamous. I like your realistic thinking. Although some people function well as monogamous, this is more the case in women than in men. Perhaps because polygamy is more dangerous for women who can become pregnant. And monogamy has more value for straight couples that will form a family with children, etc. In us gays, the attachment does not transcend the couple, and so the consequences of "cheating" are minor. Yes, MINOR, because for "cheating" to exist there needs to be a commitment to "fidelity". What assures success in a gay couple is mutual LOVE, not necessarily mutual "fidelity". In gay couples that stay together successfully for decades and eventually for life, we often find that there is a certain degree of openness, where sex outside the couple does not pose a practical risk. And where mutual love makes the real bond that persists. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axel-rod Posted December 18 Report Share Posted December 18 1 hour ago, Steve5380 said: I like your realistic thinking. Although some people function well as monogamous, this is more the case in women than in men. Perhaps because polygamy is more dangerous for women who can become pregnant. And monogamy has more value for straight couples that will form a family with children, etc. In us gays, the attachment does not transcend the couple, and so the consequences of "cheating" are minor. Yes, MINOR, because for "cheating" to exist there needs to be a commitment to "fidelity". What assures success in a gay couple is mutual LOVE, not necessarily mutual "fidelity". In gay couples that stay together successfully for decades and eventually for life, we often find that there is a certain degree of openness, where sex outside the couple does not pose a practical risk. And where mutual love makes the real bond that persists. I think his question was that his attached fling wants to jump ship and whether he should accept his proposal. This I dont think is about the possibility that he might cheat on him but that he might want to jump ship again. Yeah there is mutual love and everything, but can we feel that with only one person in our life? There are no consequences of cheating minor or major if the couple is not legally wedded. A sexual/life partner is not bonded. They are free to leave as and when they want. The other person just have to learn to live with it. The concept of monogamy and the consequences we associate with it are only constructs imposed by the society. You might be surprised how easily someone can leave. Gay or Straight. They just block you and you are out of their life. Its that easy. If a couple is legally married then its little more complicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve5380 Posted December 18 Report Share Posted December 18 4 hours ago, Axel-rod said: I think his question was that his attached fling wants to jump ship and whether he should accept his proposal. This I dont think is about the possibility that he might cheat on him but that he might want to jump ship again. Yeah there is mutual love and everything, but can we feel that with only one person in our life? There are no consequences of cheating minor or major if the couple is not legally wedded. A sexual/life partner is not bonded. They are free to leave as and when they want. The other person just have to learn to live with it. The concept of monogamy and the consequences we associate with it are only constructs imposed by the society. You might be surprised how easily someone can leave. Gay or Straight. They just block you and you are out of their life. Its that easy. If a couple is legally married then its little more complicated. Yes, to "jump ship". I have jumped ship on guys I lost appreciation for on several occasions, and I have been the victim of it too. It is some of the negatives of personal freedom in relationships. But... I have never been... BLOCKED! This sounds so much like a strong security gate that is closed in our face with a big padlock, or its equivalent in the electronic dating. Since I made acquaintances personally and not through some cyber media, there was no possibility of "blocking". I kept in touch with my ex-es, usually in friendly ways. With the image of us being ships in the sea of life, we should be good swimmers and jump some ship in pursuit of another ship nearby, and accept that our ship mates do this too. Until some very strong bond develops, and an eventual ship jumping happens with a strong elastic line that returns us soon to OUR ship. Can we call this elastic line the attraction of true LOVE ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GayNomad Posted December 18 Author Report Share Posted December 18 But we also need to know that we are constantly aging and that our value in the community loses value over time. If your partner jump ships on you, it could be difficult for u to find a new relationship if u are no longer young and attractive. Then there is also the danger of a cheating partner passing any STDs to you. Of course it takes both parties to maintain the relationship and there can be many causes for one to jump ship. For me I rather meet someone who is committed to a long term relationship and can give me stability in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axel-rod Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 (edited) 3 hours ago, GayNomad said: But we also need to know that we are constantly aging and that our value in the community loses value over time. If your partner jump ships on you, it could be difficult for u to find a new relationship if u are no longer young and attractive. Then there is also the danger of a cheating partner passing any STDs to you. Of course it takes both parties to maintain the relationship and there can be many causes for one to jump ship. For me I rather meet someone who is committed to a long term relationship and can give me stability in the long run. It is the ideal scenario. But one that seems more and more disney fantasy world atleast to me. In this fast paced world, where we need to jump through hoops to keep us afloat, it is not always possible to pay attention to your partner's needs, which eventually pushes them to seek comfort elsewhere. I admire that you want a strong committed relationship that will last a lifetime but it just doesnt really work. It could very well work for you. But again you might want to keep an open mind to find the right partner. A commitment based on mutual aversion to STD than the one based on love, believe me or not, will break down sooner or later. We human beings are social animals and there is more to life than sex. When you are in a relationship, you will start realising that you want things that your partner cannot fulfil. With that dissatisfaction in mind, the only thing keeping you in the relationship is "fear of STD". But you would realise, you can just as be safe in another monogamous relationship and it just so happens you come across a more dashing prince who makes you laugh, holds your hand and stares into your eyes under moonlight and something comes over you and you kiss! And just like that your carefully planned life is fucked! You might be surprised how often this happens to people gay or straight, man or woman. We all crave intimacy in the modern world, where most of us would rather spend our leisure time with our phones than talk to our partners. There is a reason this is a standard trope in romcoms. What I intend to convey from this long story slightly based on my own, is that keep an open mind and explore ( I doesnt have to be sexual), you would be surprised how often the universe throws things at us that we ourselves didnt know we wanted. Just need to toughen our skins when things dont go exactly as want them to. Life teaches us lot of things! Edited December 19 by Axel-rod mate69 and Steve5380 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MasterFitMalaySG4U Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 Your fault. Your selfish needs break off people relationship if karma gets u or eat u, u deserved it! Friend is okay. But remember not all attractive guys have that perfect 10 haha "some" r toxic horrible in bed n mostly depends but bottom haha n even red flag ...they have flaws too ... Don't get involved when someone attached. Friendship can survive lifetime don't u want that?? But whoever breaks 💔 someone with his wife or gf or already children or married man...u take all the karma n curse....no wonder your relationship is like that.....stay away plz! Remember u CHOOSE too....then take all bad karma. What goes around come around...karma is real....it bites u deep or scar for a lifetime 🤣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axel-rod Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 15 minutes ago, MasterFitMalaySG4U said: Your fault. Your selfish needs break off people relationship if karma gets u or eat u, u deserved it! Friend is okay. But remember not all attractive guys have that perfect 10 haha "some" r toxic horrible in bed n mostly depends but bottom haha n even red flag ...they have flaws too ... Don't get involved when someone attached. Friendship can survive lifetime don't u want that?? But whoever breaks 💔 someone with his wife or gf or already children or married man...u take all the karma n curse....no wonder your relationship is like that.....stay away plz! Remember u CHOOSE too....then take all bad karma. What goes around come around...karma is real....it bites u deep or scar for a lifetime 🤣 Bro spare me your sermon about karma bs! I can tell you have never been in a real relationship yourself. Sex is not same as a committed relationship! Besides do you know if my life was wrecked because i tried to break up a couple. Dont go around passing judgements about people you know nothing about. This is the problem with the anon forums like these. You think you can all bs you want about someone without any consequence. You should take your own advice about karma bs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GayNomad Posted December 19 Author Report Share Posted December 19 I won't be friends with someone I like. Its painful to hangout with him knowing that he is cuddling his partner at night and not me. Let to say hearing him talk about his partner when meeting up. Call me a bitter person, but I rather spare myself of the agony. Gozu 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbm Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 1 hour ago, MasterFitMalaySG4U said: Your fault. Your selfish needs break off people relationship if karma gets u or eat u, u deserved it! Personally, I don't think it's justified to label the third party as "relationship breaker" when the attached guy go looking for others when he's already in a relationship. How about dating the attached guy and his partner as well? Then can be throuple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve5380 Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 53 minutes ago, GayNomad said: I won't be friends with someone I like. Its painful to hangout with him knowing that he is cuddling his partner at night and not me. Let to say hearing him talk about his partner when meeting up. Call me a bitter person, but I rather spare myself of the agony. This is understandable. However, someone you like you will also like for him to be happy, even if it is with someone else, while for yourself you have a human population of 8 Billion souls to find another guy you like. And then, the two couples can enjoy a good friendship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GayNomad Posted December 19 Author Report Share Posted December 19 The thing is I 名犯孤星。 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doncoin Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 I think the challenge is we are all taught to think of relationships as binary. 2 people. A solution around it is to suggest having a polyamorous relationship, a throuple-like situation. Arrange to meet with the other guy, try and work it through. You know already they are having some form of open relationship since you've already met one of the guys and fell in love with him. So it becomes a win-win situation and no one really gets hurt. I am speaking from somewhat a personal experience. For year and a half, I was seeing these 2 guys more or less exclusively. It worked out for the three of us. You can say it comes down to just sex, but there was something a little more. I would not say I am in love with either one of them, but I did care about them, and their well-being. Instead of breaking up a relationship, think of expanding it. BbtChiBoi 1 Quote Love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dogma Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 Not sure if what I'm sharing here will helps to answer the question in this forum. But, I can't help it by giving out my answer based on my own experience and I would like to share it out to deliver the message to everyone. This might be the longest reply that I have typed here but I'm sure it will be worth your reading time and hopefully found your own* answer to the question. I'm 23 years old this year a typical Gen Z that was born in 2001, when I was 21 years old I met a guy on Grindr. At first, we chatted and agreed to make out. When I first met him I knew that he was the type that I would like to spend the rest of my time with or at least until the candle of "love" burned out. We did what we agreed to do and in the meantime, I showed how attached my feelings towards him. Things went fast on that night and Yes I was dumb enough to express the thought of having him as my boyfriend. Up to this day, I still feel it was a dumb move by me as things escalated quickly, and in the rules of "Fun World" for gays, no one likes to get tied up in a committed relationship nowadays. He rejected me and said he was not looking for a relationship, I respected his decision by calling the end for the night even when he offered for a 2nd round. The story continues, he texts me and we still meet and I still keep telling him the idea of me wanting him to be my partner, not all the time but most of the time that we met. Up to one point someone texted me and said he was actually in a relationship and it was the day that I learned the word of "Open Relationship". I get mad and texted him like crazy by asking him why didn't he tell me and how could he did this to me bla bla bla all those typical bottom drama. At the end, I accepted him for who he is as I'm really attached to him, I accepted all the unacceptable things back then. Never would I believes that I would be open minded about Open Relationship like sharing partner. What I would like to point out is, You Take the Risk and Consequences Yourself. What this experience has taught me is that "YOU NEED TO FIND YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES" by your own boundaries here I mean is can you accept that your partner is sleeping with others by claiming that his soul is with you? If yes then go ahead. You're the perfect match for Open Relationship and if you can't just quit and move on. If you're more to a Monogamous Relationship then stick to it leave the rest of the relationship in peace. You free yourself too at the same time. So if you ask me Would I date someone who is attached my answer will be: No. I can't endure to go through the dying process for the 2nd time anymore. Find your own boundaries* (P/S: no matter what role you are please be honest to all the relationships no matter how greedy you are.) Steve5380 and doncoin 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve5380 Posted December 19 Report Share Posted December 19 4 hours ago, Dogma said: He rejected me and said he was not looking for a relationship, I respected his decision by calling the end for the night even when he offered for a 2nd round. The story continues, he texts me and we still meet and I still keep telling him the idea of me wanting him to be my partner, not all the time but most of the time that we met. Up to one point someone texted me and said he was actually in a relationship and it was the day that I learned the word of "Open Relationship". I get mad and texted him like crazy by asking him why didn't he tell me and how could he did this to me bla bla bla all those typical bottom drama. Maybe at the time he was an agnostic, and we agnostics don't follow any Dogma... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EastSgDad Posted Friday at 12:13 PM Report Share Posted Friday at 12:13 PM (edited) Definitely a no-no Because I always believe in exclusive, staying faithful with trusted one... all for safety and disease-free reasons. Edited Friday at 12:13 PM by EastSgDad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FattChoy Posted Friday at 02:12 PM Report Share Posted Friday at 02:12 PM (edited) On 12/18/2024 at 10:22 PM, GayNomad said: Hoping to start a discussion and hear what is everyone's thought on this. So u met this very attractive guy on a dating app/forum. He is upfront about the fact that he is attached already but is open to make new friends. Would you even befriend him knowing that he is attached and that u might fall for him yet there might not be an outcome. After a few dates, u realized that u both have fallen for each other and he wants to break up with his partner to be with you. Would u accept it? If he can cheat on his current partner, u might do the same to you in the future. Karma comes around. I think like most of us, you have your life values shoved down your throat by your parents/teachers/spiritual mentor/gahmen-run tv channels. 1 man 1 woman. Anything else, is wrong and calamitous. Like these people who preach knows all about happiness and what's good for you and what's best for life. Everything beautiful happens for a reason. He looked for some else when he's partnered. Why? In business, they like to say 'there's a gap between what he already has and what he expects.' what about you? You've no one. (Except your hands). Meaning your gap is even larger and it's gaping. But you'd only accept a guy, who, after accepting you as his partner has no gap or even if he has a gap, will rather go though life with a gap, rather than do something about it. For that you should find someone who can easily be pleased. Someone with low ambition. Mostly these people are either ugly or at the bottom of the barrel. Or you should find someone fantastic with a super low level of expectation. So my answer to you is - He's not the right guy for you. And vice versa. Anyway , back to the life values/principles that you currently hold. If you choose to remain a sheep, then you will probably be as happy as the person who embedded you with those life values. Do you want to be like them? Or perhaps you should go back and ask them - "If I only be with one person/partner for my life, and I have a gap, what do I do?" If you know you know. No need for me to hardcore push this any further if you're so set on your ways. Just accept my answer and find someone else Edited Friday at 02:44 PM by FattChoy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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