Hitting brick walls, Again!

[Torrent]

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

[cutejack]

Normal la. Guess everyone went through this situation in life as a gay. Been there done that. If u been thru this many times, u should be immune to this. Confessing yr love is a sinful act n falling in love is crime in gay life to most gays. U will meet another new one in yr life. Just have fun around la. Don't fall in love ok. Stay strong n bold. Say no to fall in love.

[GachiMuchi]

1 hour ago, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

I used Deepseek AI (currently the best) to analyse your text and give suggestions and advise.  

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s clear that this situation has been emotionally challenging for you, and it’s brave of you to reflect on it and seek closure. Let’s break this down and analyze the relationship dynamics, emotional patterns, and how you can move forward in a healthier way.

---

Analysis of the Relationship Dynamics

1. Emotional Vulnerability and Self-Esteem:

   • You mentioned that your self-esteem was at an all-time low when you first connected with this person. This likely made you more susceptible to attaching significance to his compliments and attention, even if they were driven by lust or casual interest. When we’re in a vulnerable state, we often project deeper meaning onto interactions that may not inherently carry that weight.

2. The Role of Intermittent Reinforcement:

   • The relationship was characterized by periods of connection followed by distance (e.g., your hiatuses, his gradual decrease in communication). This pattern of intermittent reinforcement can create a psychological pull, making the connection feel more intense and meaningful than it might actually be. It’s common to crave the highs of reconnection after periods of silence, which can cloud judgment and amplify feelings.

3. Mismatched Expectations:

   • It seems there was a fundamental mismatch in expectations. For you, the connection evolved into deeper feelings, while for him, it likely remained a casual FWB arrangement. This disconnect became apparent when you confessed your feelings, and his response (or lack thereof) confirmed that he did not share the same emotional investment.

4. Fear of Commitment or Emotional Unavailability:

   • His reaction to your confession—silence, rejection, and subsequent distancing—suggests he may have been emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit. His decision to cut off all contact, including the gym buddy dynamic, indicates a desire to avoid emotional complexity or confrontation.

5. Lack of Closure:

   • The unanswered questions and sudden end to the relationship have left you in a state of emotional limbo. Closure is often something we have to create for ourselves, as it’s rarely provided by the other person in situations like this.

---

Emotional Patterns and Lessons Learned

1. Attachment to Validation:

   • The compliments and attention you received during a low point in your life likely served as a source of validation. While this is natural, it’s important to build self-worth independently of external validation. This will help you approach future relationships from a place of confidence rather than dependency.

2. Rushing Emotional Disclosure:

   • Confessing your feelings was a brave step, but it may have been influenced by the fear of losing the connection due to his declining responsiveness. In the future, take time to assess whether the other person is emotionally available and reciprocating your investment before sharing deeper feelings.

3. Idealizing the Relationship:

   • The intermittent nature of the connection may have led you to idealize the relationship. Reflecting on the reality of the situation—rather than the potential or fantasy—can help you maintain a clearer perspective in future connections.

4. Avoiding Repetition of Patterns:

   • This experience mirrors past ones that have left you feeling hurt. To break the cycle, consider exploring why you’re drawn to emotionally unavailable or casual dynamics and work on setting boundaries that prioritize your emotional well-being.

---

How to Avoid Similar Mistakes in the Future

1. Work on Self-Esteem and Self-Worth:

   • Focus on building a strong sense of self outside of romantic or sexual connections. Engage in activities that make you feel confident and fulfilled, and seek validation from within rather than relying on others.

2. Set Clear Boundaries:

   • Before entering a relationship or FWB arrangement, clarify your own expectations and communicate them openly. If the other person’s intentions don’t align with yours, it’s better to step back early rather than invest emotionally in a mismatched dynamic.

3. Take Things Slowly:

   • Allow relationships to develop naturally without rushing into emotional disclosure or commitment. Pay attention to consistent actions rather than intermittent attention, as this is a better indicator of someone’s true intentions.

4. Seek Emotional Availability:

   • Look for partners who are open, communicative, and willing to invest in a meaningful connection. Avoid those who are hot-and-cold or emotionally distant, as these patterns often lead to heartache.

5. Create Your Own Closure:

   • While it’s natural to seek answers from the other person, closure ultimately comes from within. Reflect on the lessons learned, acknowledge your growth, and remind yourself that you deserve a relationship where your feelings are reciprocated.

6. Consider a Break from BW:

   • Taking a hiatus from platforms like BW, as you mentioned, could be a healthy step. It allows you to focus on yourself, heal, and avoid falling into similar patterns with new connections.

---

Final Thoughts

It’s clear that this experience has been deeply impactful, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions as you process it. Remember, growth often comes from discomfort. By reflecting on this situation and applying the lessons learned, you’re already taking steps toward healthier relationships in the future.

If you find it difficult to move on or struggle with self-esteem, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through these feelings and build the tools needed for more fulfilling connections.

You’re not alone in this, and with time and self-compassion, you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re seeking. 
 

 

Edited January 4 by GachiMuchi

[Sgboy35]

Kudos to you for confessing to him. It takes a lot of guts to do that. Although the outcome wasn't what you hoped for, it's ok. You gave it a shot and that's, to me, matters more!

[egal]

is there a good ending

[GayNomad]

I think some gay guys have fear of commitment. They are happy to stay as FWB, but once that boundary is crossed, they withdrawal themselves from the friendship for fear of having being tied down.

 

But we also need to understand that we all age, grow old and become less desirable over time. A more stable companionship will become important then. But will it be too late then?

 

[Steve5380]

9 hours ago, Torrent said:

---

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!  We can come up with many strategies to recommend which would have been... better?  Your strategy could have been successful after all!

 

What I don't quite understand is HIS need to cut any contact with you after he learned about your feelings of love towards him.  When handled correctly,  love should not be a curse!   He should have given you an answer immediately, telling you that he would prefer to keep it as a friendship, because his character is not inclined to feel love and this makes him not desirable as a lover ( or some other excuse ).  But you should always count on him as a friend, if this is good for you.   This would have shown consideration on his part, and you would not have felt such a crushing rejection but a useful teaching that it is not a given that feelings are corresponded.  

 

Then, it would have been much easier for you to correspond to his feelings, by allowing the interaction to become more distant if he wanted.  And he would have been able to maintain a persistent acquaintance instead of ugly breakup.  WHO KNOWS  what emotional problems and insecurities HE HAS!    MAYBE...   maybe it is time for you to realize HIS shortcomings!  It may not be that YOU are undesirable,  it is very probable that the undesirable is HIM in spite of appearances !!! 

 

Maybe you want to reconsider your decision to take hiatus from this and that, and continue being a part of BW.  It is a good forum,  not responsible in any way for the episode you described.  Just move on, and this may not need any "closure" since this episode can be a good learning for you.  Stay "open" and avoid "closures",  because life surely goes on, and the more open our mind the better.  

[Torrent]

15 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

I used Deepseek AI (currently the best) to analyse your text and give suggestions and advise.  

Thank you for sharing your experience. It’s clear that this situation has been emotionally challenging for you, and it’s brave of you to reflect on it and seek closure. Let’s break this down and analyze the relationship dynamics, emotional patterns, and how you can move forward in a healthier way.

---

Analysis of the Relationship Dynamics

1. Emotional Vulnerability and Self-Esteem:

   • You mentioned that your self-esteem was at an all-time low when you first connected with this person. This likely made you more susceptible to attaching significance to his compliments and attention, even if they were driven by lust or casual interest. When we’re in a vulnerable state, we often project deeper meaning onto interactions that may not inherently carry that weight.

2. The Role of Intermittent Reinforcement:

   • The relationship was characterized by periods of connection followed by distance (e.g., your hiatuses, his gradual decrease in communication). This pattern of intermittent reinforcement can create a psychological pull, making the connection feel more intense and meaningful than it might actually be. It’s common to crave the highs of reconnection after periods of silence, which can cloud judgment and amplify feelings.

3. Mismatched Expectations:

   • It seems there was a fundamental mismatch in expectations. For you, the connection evolved into deeper feelings, while for him, it likely remained a casual FWB arrangement. This disconnect became apparent when you confessed your feelings, and his response (or lack thereof) confirmed that he did not share the same emotional investment.

4. Fear of Commitment or Emotional Unavailability:

   • His reaction to your confession—silence, rejection, and subsequent distancing—suggests he may have been emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit. His decision to cut off all contact, including the gym buddy dynamic, indicates a desire to avoid emotional complexity or confrontation.

5. Lack of Closure:

   • The unanswered questions and sudden end to the relationship have left you in a state of emotional limbo. Closure is often something we have to create for ourselves, as it’s rarely provided by the other person in situations like this.

---

Emotional Patterns and Lessons Learned

1. Attachment to Validation:

   • The compliments and attention you received during a low point in your life likely served as a source of validation. While this is natural, it’s important to build self-worth independently of external validation. This will help you approach future relationships from a place of confidence rather than dependency.

2. Rushing Emotional Disclosure:

   • Confessing your feelings was a brave step, but it may have been influenced by the fear of losing the connection due to his declining responsiveness. In the future, take time to assess whether the other person is emotionally available and reciprocating your investment before sharing deeper feelings.

3. Idealizing the Relationship:

   • The intermittent nature of the connection may have led you to idealize the relationship. Reflecting on the reality of the situation—rather than the potential or fantasy—can help you maintain a clearer perspective in future connections.

4. Avoiding Repetition of Patterns:

   • This experience mirrors past ones that have left you feeling hurt. To break the cycle, consider exploring why you’re drawn to emotionally unavailable or casual dynamics and work on setting boundaries that prioritize your emotional well-being.

---

How to Avoid Similar Mistakes in the Future

1. Work on Self-Esteem and Self-Worth:

   • Focus on building a strong sense of self outside of romantic or sexual connections. Engage in activities that make you feel confident and fulfilled, and seek validation from within rather than relying on others.

2. Set Clear Boundaries:

   • Before entering a relationship or FWB arrangement, clarify your own expectations and communicate them openly. If the other person’s intentions don’t align with yours, it’s better to step back early rather than invest emotionally in a mismatched dynamic.

3. Take Things Slowly:

   • Allow relationships to develop naturally without rushing into emotional disclosure or commitment. Pay attention to consistent actions rather than intermittent attention, as this is a better indicator of someone’s true intentions.

4. Seek Emotional Availability:

   • Look for partners who are open, communicative, and willing to invest in a meaningful connection. Avoid those who are hot-and-cold or emotionally distant, as these patterns often lead to heartache.

5. Create Your Own Closure:

   • While it’s natural to seek answers from the other person, closure ultimately comes from within. Reflect on the lessons learned, acknowledge your growth, and remind yourself that you deserve a relationship where your feelings are reciprocated.

6. Consider a Break from BW:

   • Taking a hiatus from platforms like BW, as you mentioned, could be a healthy step. It allows you to focus on yourself, heal, and avoid falling into similar patterns with new connections.

---

Final Thoughts

It’s clear that this experience has been deeply impactful, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions as you process it. Remember, growth often comes from discomfort. By reflecting on this situation and applying the lessons learned, you’re already taking steps toward healthier relationships in the future.

If you find it difficult to move on or struggle with self-esteem, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through these feelings and build the tools needed for more fulfilling connections.

You’re not alone in this, and with time and self-compassion, you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re seeking. 
 

 

 

Thank you, for the advice and also editing the title, I wasn't quite sure what to name it. I wished that I realized this long before I even knew him. I am ok with rejection, although it's the part where we can't even stay friends that bothers me slightly for some reason. Maybe it's an ego thing.

 

12 hours ago, egal said:

is there a good ending

 

No, there isn't.

 

9 hours ago, GayNomad said:

I think some gay guys have fear of commitment. They are happy to stay as FWB, but once that boundary is crossed, they withdrawal themselves from the friendship for fear of having being tied down.

 

But we also need to understand that we all age, grow old and become less desirable over time. A more stable companionship will become important then. But will it be too late then?

 

 

He's 42 yo, so we'll see in about 8 years time I guess. 

 

7 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

 

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!  We can come up with many strategies to recommend which would have been... better?  Your strategy could have been successful after all!

 

What I don't quite understand is HIS need to cut any contact with you after he learned about your feelings of love towards him.  When handled correctly,  love should not be a curse!   He should have given you an answer immediately, telling you that he would prefer to keep it as a friendship, because his character is not inclined to feel love and this makes him not desirable as a lover ( or some other excuse ).  But you should always count on him as a friend, if this is good for you.   This would have shown consideration on his part, and you would not have felt such a crushing rejection but a useful teaching that it is not a given that feelings are corresponded.  

 

Then, it would have been much easier for you to correspond to his feelings, by allowing the interaction to become more distant if he wanted.  And he would have been able to maintain a persistent acquaintance instead of ugly breakup.  WHO KNOWS  what emotional problems and insecurities HE HAS!    MAYBE...   maybe it is time for you to realize HIS shortcomings!  It may not be that YOU are undesirable,  it is very probable that the undesirable is HIM in spite of appearances !!! 

 

Maybe you want to reconsider your decision to take hiatus from this and that, and continue being a part of BW.  It is a good forum,  not responsible in any way for the episode you described.  Just move on, and this may not need any "closure" since this episode can be a good learning for you.  Stay "open" and avoid "closures",  because life surely goes on, and the more open our mind the better.  

 

Thank you, but as Gachi says, a break regardless is probably for the best.

[egal]

mayb he is seeing otehrs

[Anon_cock]

My friend used to tell me. If you don't want your hand to get bruised, then don't hit the wall. Get it? 

[Kimochi]

But if you do not try you will not know what will be the outcome. 

 

Great first step. Kudos ! Not everybody is as brave as you. 

[Glyph]

He left a long wall of text, but didn't elaborate on the crux of the matter? What happened to being short and sweet?

 

As for you...well, wearing your heart on your sleeve subjects it to the elements. Take as long as you need to weather the storm. And when the healing is done, come back again for some. Perhaps the one truly deserving lies in wait. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Steve5380]

4 hours ago, Torrent said:

 

Thank you, but as Gachi says, a break regardless is probably for the best.

 

 

A break does not need to be a rejection.

[YYYY]

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

It's good that you have let it all out by penning your thoughts. I hope it's turned out to be the cathartic exercise you were seeking.

 

My bf and I have been together for over 20 years and we are still madly in love. I can tell you this: if both of you were meant to be, there will be an initial spark i.e. both of you will be crazy for each other at the first meeting. If you have to tell him you love him after a long time together, then it's obvious you were not meant to be as there is no reciprocity.

 

There are many gays who are desperate for a bf/husband but they don't work on their shortcomings e.g. fat/out of shape. We may not be young forever but while we are still young, we should try to overcome those shortcomings by exercising, proper grooming, displaying good manners, etc.

 

Your friend at least had the courtesy of writing you a long rejection message. Some people would have ignored you and perhaps even blocked you. He ignored you afterwards at the gym because he didn't want you to continue thinking of him, so take that as another act of consideration on his part.

 

Life goes on. Hope you find someone some day, many don't to be honest, and you must be content to grow old in the company of good friends if that turns out to be your fate.

Edited Tuesday at 01:11 PM by YYYY

[paddle_up]

33 minutes ago, YYYY said:

 

It's good that you have let it all out by penning your thoughts. I hope it's turned out to be the cathartic exercise you were seeking.

 

My bf and I have been together for over 20 years and we are still madly in love. I can tell you this: if both of you were meant to be, there will be an initial spark i.e. both of you will be crazy for each other at the first meeting. If you have to tell him you love him after a long time together, then it's obvious you were not meant to be as there is no reciprocity.

 

Congrats sexy.  Wow 20+ years, you two are one exemplary couple for our gay community.  I am sure both of you have put in lots of effort to make this relationship work.

 

It is not easy especially in the area of ensuring that the tool and hole are not tired of each other, enjoying the familarity of each other.  

 

kudos to you, sexy.

[YYYY]

2 hours ago, paddle_up said:

Congrats sexy.  Wow 20+ years, you two are one exemplary couple for our gay community.  I am sure both of you have put in lots of effort to make this relationship work.

 

It is not easy especially in the area of ensuring that the tool and hole are not tired of each other, enjoying the familarity of each other.  

 

kudos to you, sexy.

 

June 1997 until now so 27 years and counting... I put in lots of effort because for many years, he was the type who could break up and move on anytime, so I was the one always salvaging the relationship. But now we are much older, we quarrel much less (almost completely stopped quarreling as a matter of fact).

 

His bad point is he is very quick to lose his temper and his strong point is he is very faithful (doesn't fool around). I'm the complete opposite: always giving in to him but fool around a lot outside (many temporary FWBs and he knew it). At the end of the day, I loved him too much to let him go.

 

We started out flip-flopping but because he has a big dick (bigger than mine) and it was painful being fucked by him, he only ever fucked me 2 or 3 times. Anyway he was more bottom and I was more top so I ended up fucking him for 2 years before we stopped having sex altogether because I got tired of his body and I was too unfaithful and got my fun outside. Of course he has his needs so I would just help him masturbate e.g. kiss him or lick his nipples while he jerks off.

 

Over the years he has sacrificed a lot for me e.g. once I lost a lot of money playing shares, he gave me his ATM card and said, "Take everything." I told him then I would look after him the rest of his life and he said, "I believe you will make it."

 

Happily I'm now financially secure and I'm keeping my promise to look after him. We go for holidays together a few times a year and he doesn't have to work any more.

Edited Tuesday at 04:10 PM by YYYY

[Startup]

I am replying based on what I have read, based on my own experiences (which allowed me to understand gay men better) and using my own logic. Please do not take it personally as we do not know each other.

 

Your article is about me, me, me. I do not read anything about your understanding of the other party. 

 

Now there is nothing wrong about us wanting something for ourselves as it's very human nature.

 

But what you want for yourself is obviously not what he wants for himself.

 

If I put myself in his shoes, I would not want to have anything to do with you anymore. And there is really no why.

 

Once a certain action is taken ie confession, it triggers a reaction and there is no turning back. He has to take an action and he chose ending it all.

 

But it's all very common in the game of dating or having fun in this gay circle.

 

To me what happened to you is something that happens all the time, to many of us.

 

Then you have to ask yourself, are u still the same you through these years? If so, why would you expect anything different? Remember the famous quote, 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

 

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

[YYYY]

I would add one further observation: sometimes people enter a relationship or try to enter a relationship (whether straight or gay) because they love themselves, not because they love the other party. For example, many years ago when I was in uni, I had a straight friend who was ready to dump his gf anytime if a richer, more attractive one came along. This isn't loving the other party, it's loving oneself, and therefore not true love. So you need to ask yourself, are you in it for yourself or are you in it for the other party? Is it just to cure your loneliness or do you really want him, warts and all?

 

Everyone has a purpose or agenda when they interact with another party. For him, it may just be to enjoy your company for a few hours with no strings attached. For you, it gradually became a case of wanting to be with him forever and emotional involvement at a deep level. Unfortunately you were operating at different wavelengths. Simply put, you misread the situation and you misunderstood him. He obviously wasn't interested in your agenda, and why should he? He wasn't born to satisfy you.

 

As the above commenter says, once you professed your love, it triggered a reaction and the reaction was to reject you completely. No why. Just a simple reaction on his part because he instinctively felt it wasn't worth it to carry on. Two different agendas. Cross-purposes. The social contract between you two came to a shuddering end. He chose to end it without an explanation that satisfied you. Too bad. Life goes on. Don't torture yourself any more. It's the harsh reality of life. Count your blessings and try to improve yourself, even in small ways. Take care.

Edited Tuesday at 10:43 PM by YYYY

[reece7700]

Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. 

 

You're not empty of love. You're full of love to give.

[singalion]

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

Surely, there is a reason why it says "it needs two to tango".

 

While we just know your part or view of it. But honestly I find the other guy's reaction quite low standard if not disgusting.

 

During our life time we receive plenty of relationship offers. While it might be advised to cool down contact a bit if rejected, I don't think you need to break off the contact totally.

 

I am unaware why your self esteems seems low, but I would advise to work on it and gain for confidence in yourself.

 

The main advice I have on this is that you should keep such strong feeling for yourself first and see and watch how things develop. A different guy might have reacted differently or even entered into a relationship after some stronger social bonding.

 

Don't give up on searching for a boyfriend, even if there are frustrations on the way. And don't reflect on yourself as if the error lies with you or your character.

 

However, mainly never appear desperate for any relationship to the other person.

 

Many guys just need a certain amount of time, because as we all know relationships mean certain changes to your life (casual sex, sauna visits, being more responsive, clinging on the other, doing nearly everything together). If you are used to your liberties in your life, it often needs a big amount of self restraint to be ready for a relationship.

 

There are a lot of guys who actually fear getting into a relationship. Reasons might be different. They are discreet, not out (not even to the closest people), not used to share life with someone, feeling insecure on how to react or fear of committing mistakes etc etc etc...

 

Don't give up but maybe on the next venture take it a bit slower and keep your feeling for yourself first. On the way forward you even might be the one who would find the other person not qualified for a relationship.

 

I personally also mostly have a feeling of suspicion when guys approach me at a very early stage asking or hinting to get into a relationship.

(But I wouldn't cut off the contact as the guy here did).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited Thursday at 05:42 AM by singalion
forgot a word. haha

[Startup]

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him.

 

When I wrote my earlier post, I didn't go into details. But one detail actually caught my attention. 

 

You didn't keep in touch for a few years. What is going to stop you from doing the disappearing act again?

Edited Wednesday at 07:14 AM by Startup

[Coolbriz]

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

Hugz! 😊

[Islandbreeze]

On 1/4/2025 at 11:55 PM, Torrent said:

You'd think that after going through the same experience a few times, it just stops bothering you eventually, but it apparently doesn't. Just going to share an experience I had on BW that's been turning me inside out but I won't mention names, because that would already be considered doxxing.

 

I've always been pretty low profile on BW, at one point, I was also on hiatus. So by the time I decided to become active here again, I didn't know anyone anymore (all the old regulars that I've seen or known are gone). I updated my profile and DP, shortly, I got a message from a guy on BW, and we hit off, started chatting. We also exchanged contacts, chatted outside of BW. Eventually, we met up, walked and talked and engaged in clean and simple fun (non-anal). He also frequently showered me with compliments, although whether if it was just lust talking, I don't know but it felt nice. My self-esteem was at an all time low back then, I was a lot more shy than I was today, so a lot of his actions left a significant impact on me.

 

I got busier and my life took a turn for a better, we talked and met lesser. I was soon on another hiatus from both BW and him. I returned again some time last year after going through some downs from real life, tried my luck and decided to DM him, I'm surprised that he replied and he still remembered who I was, and was also open about meeting again. He updated me about his life during the past few years, he also got his own place, which was nice so that we could meet privately. He learned about my gym progress and goals, and also offered to be my gym buddy (we shared the same gym).

 

But of course, the happiness was short-lived. In time, I started to develop actual feelings from the reconnections, and made the decision to confess. This was accelerated by the fact that he was also gradually replying less to my texts for some reason (the messages were also becoming one-two word based). It was a do or die, I decided to meet him in person, told him that I wanted to talk about something. He heard me out, then I spilled.

 

The silence seconds after was deafening and awkward, I soon realized that an irrevocable mistake was made. I apologized, but I also told him to give an answer, and that I would be alright even if the outcome was a negative one. He said he would let me know, and bade me goodbye.

 

I got a long message later that night, an apology and a rejection.

 

Maybe it was the thought of commitment, or the confession that scared him, or it was both. I don't know, because he never elaborated, he wished me luck and told me that we would not meeting anymore, nor would we be staying FWB (or even just friends) or being gym buddies. I still occasionally see him in the gym we frequent, but he pretty much reacts and looks at me like a total stranger, I may as well have never existed. He's still pretty active in BW, but he never responds to DMs anymore.

 

I'm still feeling a mix of confusion, frustration, sadness and regret. I had a lot of unanswered questions, and still constantly think about the whole situation every now and then. Saying 'just move on' is really easy, but actually committing to it is the hard part.

 

My endgame is just to pen my thoughts, to give myself the closure and move on. It also might be good to take a hiatus, and possibly a permanent one from BW at this point. If anyone wants to leave positive or negative comments, I'll okay with either. Thank you for reading.

 

It really sucks when there are misaligned expectations between both parties. Been there too.

 

But remember what you did was very courageous. And as hard as it is to believe now, time will heal all wounds. Work on yourself during your hiatus and hope to see you back stronger. Hugs ok

[Torrent]

On 1/7/2025 at 9:10 PM, YYYY said:

 

It's good that you have let it all out by penning your thoughts. I hope it's turned out to be the cathartic exercise you were seeking.

 

My bf and I have been together for over 20 years and we are still madly in love. I can tell you this: if both of you were meant to be, there will be an initial spark i.e. both of you will be crazy for each other at the first meeting. If you have to tell him you love him after a long time together, then it's obvious you were not meant to be as there is no reciprocity.

 

There are many gays who are desperate for a bf/husband but they don't work on their shortcomings e.g. fat/out of shape. We may not be young forever but while we are still young, we should try to overcome those shortcomings by exercising, proper grooming, displaying good manners, etc.

 

Your friend at least had the courtesy of writing you a long rejection message. Some people would have ignored you and perhaps even blocked you. He ignored you afterwards at the gym because he didn't want you to continue thinking of him, so take that as another act of consideration on his part.

 

Life goes on. Hope you find someone some day, many don't to be honest, and you must be content to grow old in the company of good friends if that turns out to be your fate.

 

As someone said, it's hard to move on because I'm basically still 'seeing' this person in BW and also at the gym sometimes. I have since opted to switch to a different gym.

 

You and your partner are blessed and I hope you both stay together for as long as each other lives.

 

19 hours ago, Startup said:

I am replying based on what I have read, based on my own experiences (which allowed me to understand gay men better) and using my own logic. Please do not take it personally as we do not know each other.

 

Your article is about me, me, me. I do not read anything about your understanding of the other party. 

 

Now there is nothing wrong about us wanting something for ourselves as it's very human nature.

 

But what you want for yourself is obviously not what he wants for himself.

 

If I put myself in his shoes, I would not want to have anything to do with you anymore. And there is really no why.

 

Once a certain action is taken ie confession, it triggers a reaction and there is no turning back. He has to take an action and he chose ending it all.

 

But it's all very common in the game of dating or having fun in this gay circle.

 

To me what happened to you is something that happens all the time, to many of us.

 

Then you have to ask yourself, are u still the same you through these years? If so, why would you expect anything different? Remember the famous quote, 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

 

 

 

 

I don't know you either, so I'm not bothered by it. There will always be a devil's advocate, and that is fine.

 

Unfortunately, there were a lot of misguiding here and there and he also loosely used words like 'Am I your type' or 'I really like you' frequently. I have already changed a lot physically and mentally since, I'm describing how I was back then, not sure if you read that.

 

I also learned there are people who do not set the stage with clarity from the start, he belongs to that category. Whether it's fun or pursuing a relationship, I always set the boundaries now to avoid misunderstandings or high expectations (which lead to disappointments).

 

17 hours ago, YYYY said:

I would add one further observation: sometimes people enter a relationship or try to enter a relationship (whether straight or gay) because they love themselves, not because they love the other party. For example, many years ago when I was in uni, I had a straight friend who was ready to dump his gf anytime if a richer, more attractive one came along. This isn't loving the other party, it's loving oneself, and therefore not true love. So you need to ask yourself, are you in it for yourself or are you in it for the other party? Is it just to cure your loneliness or do you really want him, warts and all?

 

Everyone has a purpose or agenda when they interact with another party. For him, it may just be to enjoy your company for a few hours with no strings attached. For you, it gradually became a case of wanting to be with him forever and emotional involvement at a deep level. Unfortunately you were operating at different wavelengths. Simply put, you misread the situation and you misunderstood him. He obviously wasn't interested in your agenda, and why should he? He wasn't born to satisfy you.

 

As the above commenter says, once you professed your love, it triggered a reaction and the reaction was to reject you completely. No why. Just a simple reaction on his part because he instinctively felt it wasn't worth it to carry on. Two different agendas. Cross-purposes. The social contract between you two came to a shuddering end. He chose to end it without an explanation that satisfied you. Too bad. Life goes on. Don't torture yourself any more. It's the harsh reality of life. Count your blessings and try to improve yourself, even in small ways. Take care.

 

Oh he does have his share of negative traits, he's not a perfect person. But that would defeat the purpose of putting them out here, since it would be more like a hate thread.

 

17 hours ago, reece7700 said:

Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. 

 

You're not empty of love. You're full of love to give.

 

Thank you, I tried and I'm trying to get back up.

 

12 hours ago, singalion said:

 

Surely, there is a reason why it says "it needs two to tango".

 

While we just know your part or view of it. But honestly I find the other guy's reaction quite low standard if not disgusting.

 

During our life time we receive plenty of relationship offers. While it might be advised to cool down contact a bit if rejected, I don't think you need to break off the contact totally.

 

I unaware why your self esteems seems low, but I would advise to work on it and gain for confidence in yourself.

 

The main advice I have on this is that you should keep such strong feeling for yourself first and see and watch how things develop. A different guy might have reacted differently or even entered into a relationship after some stronger social bonding.

 

Don't give up on searching for a boyfriend, even if there are frustrations on the way. And don't reflect on yourself as if the error lies with you or your character.

 

However, mainly never appear desperate for any relationship to the other person.

 

Many guys just need a certain amount of time, because as we all know relationships mean certain changes to your life (casual sex, sauna visits, being more responsive, clinging on the other, doing nearly everything together). If you are used to your liberties in your life, it often needs a big amount of self restraint to be ready for a relationship.

 

There are a lot of guys who actually fear getting into a relationship. Reasons might be different. They are discreet, not out (not even to the closest people), not used to share life with someone, feeling insecure on how to react or fear of committing mistakes etc etc etc...

 

Don't give up but maybe on the next venture take it a bit slower and keep your feeling for yourself first. On the way forward you even might be the one who would find the other person not qualified for a relationship.

 

I personally also mostly have a feeling of suspicion when guys approach me at a very early stage asking or hinting to get into a relationship.

(But I wouldn't cut off the contact as the guy here did).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never understood the cut off friendship part either, but we will never know the real answer.

 

9 hours ago, Startup said:

 

When I wrote my earlier post, I didn't go into details. But one detail actually caught my attention. 

 

You didn't keep in touch for a few years. What is going to stop you from doing the disappearing act again?

 

Again, lots of assumptions here but I have been keeping frequent contact with him since we caught up again (plus I approached him first on my return). I don't know what is your intention in overanalyzing the details but I just write the events as it is with honesty. I don't have any intention of turning this into a hate thread, past, present and future. You're free to leave your assumptions and interrogating I guess, it's an open forum but I think I have already answered all there is.

 

@ everyone else: Thanks for the support and advice, much appreciate.

[Kenjikenji]

Most important that u move on and be happy . Life too short to dwell on unhappy things . 

[naked_boi]

In the journey of life, we are constantly in the business of connecting; be it for commercial gain, artistic pursuits, social integration and the list goes on.

However, the most important and fundamental connection is always the hardest: the emotional connection.

 

Even as little babies, we have always sought to connect to what we feel and want and love using the barest communicative tool available.

As we progress and move along life trajectories; we want more of that emotive connection, until that one moment comes to transform us 

and showed what we really wanted to connect with is simply love. The tenderness of being loved and the satisfaction of giving in return.

 

Therein lies the greatest paradox. The easiest and most important aspect of us is actually the hardest to express and connect.

Love is the one thing that flows from our soul to connect to another leading to a combined symbiosis of the emotive connection.

It should be that easy. Unfortunately, these things always go sideways and not the way that is intended.

 

It may not go right with the one that we intended or passionately wanted to connect but it is also within us to pick ourselves up and dust off the

fallout of that failed act of connecting and conveying our love. Like all things, keep on walking and connecting and one day it will hit the target

and we will walk and experience the path of love's grace.

 

So, don't feel too bad for too long, there's always someone else waiting.

 

🥰😇

[singalion]

On 1/5/2025 at 1:07 AM, GachiMuchi said:

If you find it difficult to move on or struggle with self-esteem, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. They can help you work through these feelings and build the tools needed for more fulfilling connections.

You’re not alone in this, and with time and self-compassion, you’ll find the clarity and peace you’re seeking. 

 

Not sure if for everything you need to go to a psychologist.

A bunch of close friends can help also to learn to lift self esteem.

 

Often people reach their arms aiming too high. Learn to achieve smaller steps but celebrate any achievement with a reward.

 

All in all, even being gay best is always having a very good close friend (or friends) who you can share your thoughts, fears etc.

Nothing is better than some strong hints or advice from a good close friend.

Can also save on trouble or doing stupid/ silly things.

 

[singalion]

On 1/5/2025 at 7:44 AM, GayNomad said:

I think some gay guys have fear of commitment. They are happy to stay as FWB, but once that boundary is crossed, they withdrawal themselves from the friendship for fear of having being tied down.

 

But we also need to understand that we all age, grow old and become less desirable over time. A more stable companionship will become important then. But will it be too late then?

 

 

Certain guys are hiding their private life.

The reaction could have been a result of him being already in a relationship with someone, being married with 3 kids etc etc...

It is not always the fear of a relationship.

 

I guess for too many, they grew too old to then find a life partner and will suffer in loneliness (mostly turn bitter and jealous on others who are in a relationship).

While many relationships may break after 4 - 7 years in younger years, often when you pass 10 years break ups are less,...

Yes, it may be hard to maintain a relationship on times but with certain compromises here and there even gay partners can navigate around the issues...

 

 

[GayNomad]

16 hours ago, singalion said:

 

Certain guys are hiding their private life.

The reaction could have been a result of him being already in a relationship with someone, being married with 3 kids etc etc...

It is not always the fear of a relationship.

 

I guess for too many, they grew too old to then find a life partner and will suffer in loneliness (mostly turn bitter and jealous on others who are in a relationship).

While many relationships may break after 4 - 7 years in younger years, often when you pass 10 years break ups are less,...

Yes, it may be hard to maintain a relationship on times but with certain compromises here and there even gay partners can navigate around the issues...

 

 

I guess I am in the "suffering in loneliness" category. But then again, it's not something I choose to be in. It's just unfortunate that I wasn't chosen. But that doesn't mean that I have given up. I am still hopeful that one day the right person will come along.

Edited Thursday at 10:42 PM by GayNomad

[Startup]

Sartre once said, "Hell is other people."

My point is simply, why allow others to make the hell out of one's life? 

[singalion]

14 hours ago, GayNomad said:

I guess I am in the "suffering in loneliness" category. But then again, it's not something I choose to be in. It's just unfortunate that I wasn't chosen. But that doesn't mean that I have given up. I am still hopeful that one day the right person will come along.

 

I appreciate your positive way of looking at it.

Don't get frustrated or sour.

 

From my own experience and life so far, relationship requests often come at the wrong times, but still I would recommend to you to always jump into a relationship and see how it goes instead of coming up with excuses and hesitations...

 

In relationships there is never any 100% sync, characters, attitudes, sexual preferences are just too different. Love means also accepting such differences and not imposing your attitude/ style on others. The more you both are able to compromise the smoother the relationship will go on.

And don't forget: Talking is the most important, even if issues are difficult to talk about.

You will wonder along the way what your partner finds disturbing on you but will only tell you some time much later... (ha ha).

But how you talk to each other is another thing to learn.

 

 

[GayNomad]

7 hours ago, singalion said:

 

I appreciate your positive way of looking at it.

Don't get frustrated or sour.

 

From my own experience and life so far, relationship requests often come at the wrong times, but still I would recommend to you to always jump into a relationship and see how it goes instead of coming up with excuses and hesitations...

 

In relationships there is never any 100% sync, characters, attitudes, sexual preferences are just too different. Love means also accepting such differences and not imposing your attitude/ style on others. The more you both are able to compromise the smoother the relationship will go on.

And don't forget: Talking is the most important, even if issues are difficult to talk about.

You will wonder along the way what your partner finds disturbing on you but will only tell you some time much later... (ha ha).

But how you talk to each other is another thing to learn.

 

 

Haha. How I wish the guys I met are willing to jump into a relationship.

Edited Friday at 11:42 AM by GayNomad

[auscent]

2 hours ago, GayNomad said:

Haha. How I wish the guys I met are willing to jump into a relationship.

To me, real relationships need time to nurture. 

[Malabird]

When someone leave you or threaten to leave you, ask yourself, is he your ventilator，or is he the only source of oxygen that you can get ? 
 

The answer is NO !
 

You have your inherent worth! 

Edited Friday at 06:09 PM by Malabird

[doncoin]

There is no point in forcing someone who is unwilling to stay in a relationship with you. Recognize that the problem is not you. It is him. Do not underestimate your own self-worth and give him the power to decide the value. Know that when you enter into a relationship with anyone, you are in the relationship because you choose to be in the relationship with that person. It is a choice two people, or three or more (polyamorous cases), make and decided to put in effort to create happiness.   

 

As @auscent pointed out, relationships need time to nuture. You need to put in the work to make it work. It doesn't just automatically happen.  

[GayNomad]

I would say, first impression is important, but at the same time, slightly lower your expectations too. Give both parties time and a chance to know each other better over a period time. Start as friends with the intention to develop into a relationship if things continue to align.

It's hard to know a person fully in just a few hours meetup. We may have different hobbies, views, but as singalion mentioned: 

Love means also accepting such differences and not imposing your attitude/ style on others. The more you both are able to compromise the smoother the relationship will go on.

 

Unless he is so bad that u want to get away from him asap. I have done that before to rude, creepy guys at the first meetup.

 

I too have met guys whose intention is only to have a relationship. They are not interested in wasting their time making new friends as they already have enough friends. Or maybe it's just their excuse. 

 

 

[Steve5380]

On 1/4/2025 at 5:44 PM, GayNomad said:

I think some gay guys have fear of commitment. They are happy to stay as FWB, but once that boundary is crossed, they withdrawal themselves from the friendship for fear of having being tied down.

 

But we also need to understand that we all age, grow old and become less desirable over time. A more stable companionship will become important then. But will it be too late then?

 

 

If they are afraid of being tied down by a FWB, there must not be much love involved.  A relationship with a good future does not need to start with strong physical attraction, just a general likeness.  As we age, other attractions may become important besides sex.  This can compensate for the loss of own sexual desirability, and it is possible that we offer other attractions that are not common in the very young.  Like becoming financially stable, with good income and organized life.  This can be an entry point, which with time develops into true love.

 

 

On 1/9/2025 at 8:22 AM, GayNomad said:

I guess I am in the "suffering in loneliness" category. But then again, it's not something I choose to be in. It's just unfortunate that I wasn't chosen. But that doesn't mean that I have given up. I am still hopeful that one day the right person will come along.

 

To live alone does not necessarily lead to loneliness.  Keep your hopes up,  keep working on yourself to augment what you have to offer, and so increase your self-esteem, and then care about CHOOSING instead of BEING CHOSEN.  That is,  you also have the right to take the initiative. 

 

 

On 1/8/2025 at 11:48 PM, singalion said:

 

Not sure if for everything you need to go to a psychologist.

A bunch of close friends can help also to learn to lift self esteem.

 

Often people reach their arms aiming too high. Learn to achieve smaller steps but celebrate any achievement with a reward.

 

All in all, even being gay best is always having a very good close friend (or friends) who you can share your thoughts, fears etc.

Nothing is better than some strong hints or advice from a good close friend.

Can also save on trouble or doing stupid/ silly things.

 

 

Like with medical doctors, psychologists must follow a standard treatment with little inventive.  But we are all different, and if a psychologist is tried with little success, this does not mean that we cannot overcome our issues.  Often if we stay positive, we can resolve our own problems through new experiences and the passage of time.