From Self-Doubt to Self-Love: 5 Ways to Tame Your Inner Critic

[GachiMuchi]

From Self-Doubt to Self-Love: 5 Ways to Tame Your Inner Critic

 

Let's be honest: gay men (and LGBTQ+ folks) often wrestle with a loud, relentless inner critic that is tied to our upbringing.

Maybe your inner critic whispers—or shouts—things like:

• “You're not enough.”

• “You're failing at life.”

• “You'll never find love.”

• “Why can't you be like [insert friend who seems to have it all]?”

Does that sound familiar?

These feelings arise from years of expectations, social pressures, and ingrained beliefs regarding success, acceptance, and love, often shaped in our formative years.

Trust me, I've experienced that myself.

But we don't have to let that critical voice run the show.

Understanding the Inner Critic

First, see your inner critic for what it is: a survival mechanism.

It's your brain's way of protecting you by pointing out your “flaws” or warning you of potential risks.

This mechanism, similar to internalized homophobia, can become warped over time, especially if it is shaped by rejection, shame, or societal stigma.

The inner critic will always exist, so the problem isn't its existence.

The problem is that we believe what it says. We give it meaning. We treat its criticisms as truth when they're just habits of thought.

When we believe the inner critic's stories, we lose sight of the reality that you are already enough, exactly as you are.

A New Way to Relate to Your Thoughts

You don't have to silence your inner critic. It's part of being human and likely impossible to do.

But you can change your relationship with it.

Instead of identifying with its harsh words, create some space between yourself and your thoughts.

Here are a few practices I've found helpful in shifting away from self-critical thoughts: 

1. Become the Observer

Start by noticing your thoughts without judgment.

Over the next few days, observe your mind like an outside observer.

• What does your inner critic say?

• How often does it chime in?

• What triggers it?

The goal isn't to stop the thoughts but to notice them as something separate from you.

 

2. Question the Narrative

Ask yourself: “Is this true? Is this thought a fact, or is it just a story my mind is telling me?

For example, challenge your inner critic if it says, “You'll never find love.”

Ask it, “Never? Really? Haven't I experienced love in other ways—friendship, family, community?”

 

3. Shift Your Attention

 When the inner critic gets loud, redirect your attention to something grounding.

This could be your breath, physical sensations, or an external focus, such as the sound of birds outside or the texture of something you're touching.

The idea isn't to push the thoughts away but to remind yourself not to engage with them.

 

4. Use Compassionate Self-Talk

If you get stuck in a loop of self-criticism, respond as you would to a friend.

For example, counter gently if you think, “I'm failing.” Say to yourself, “I'm doing my best, and that is enough.”

This isn't about toxic positivity. It's about offering yourself the kindness you deserve.

 

5. Practice One-Pointed Focus

A meditation practice like One Pointed Concentration can help.

Choose an anchor for your attention (your breath, counting, a candle flame), and return to it whenever your mind wanders.

Over time, this strengthens your ability to notice thoughts without being pulled into them.

Why Taming The Inner Critic Matters

When we stop identifying with the inner critic's stories, we create space to feel more at ease in our skin.

We're not “fixing” ourselves. We're learning to accept who we are, even on the messy days.

I've been on this journey, and it's not about perfection—it's about progress.

Progress looks like catching a self-critical thought and deciding not to let it ruin your day 

If this resonates, try one of these practices this week and see what changes.

Remember, it's a process, and being present for yourself—imperfectly—is enough.

Get Support

 

[singalion]

Very good topic. appreciate it.

 

I know not everyone is born with a high ego and self confidence.

Sure, on the way everyone has doubts or down phases, thinking if something is wrong with yourself.

 

My point is: Just accept who you are, don't fight it, don't doubt it and don't always compare to others.

Grow to know who you are.

(Yes, try to correct some flaws on the way if you can and accept critic by others).

 

However, all at all build your own confidence that you will make your way through a happy life (whatever comes along).

 

 

[doncoin]

I've been experiencing a lot of this inner-critique voice last year, especially with work, and was referred to see one of my client's in-house high-performance coach. It's like therapy to be honest, and through multiple sessions, a lot of the inner critic, for me, stems from unresolved childhood issues, of needing parental approval. Anyway. learning to silence that inner critic requires mindfulness and a lot of work in building faith in yourself. 

 

 

[radiusulnar]

yes, we are often our own enemy

[Why?]

Is self-doubt the subject of discussion? Hmm.I thought it would go away as you get older or have had enough life experience to be able to get past it by now because It no longer makes sense to continuously compete with yourself on a mental and emotional level if you want a more peaceful, tranquil life. This will only cause more tension rather than enjoyment. 

[auscent]

4. Shifting attention is most practical. Like energy, it needs to be directed away else self combustion

[Steve5380]

On 2/18/2025 at 7:30 AM, Why? said:

Is self-doubt the subject of discussion? Hmm.I thought it would go away as you get older or have had enough life experience to be able to get past it by now because It no longer makes sense to continuously compete with yourself on a mental and emotional level if you want a more peaceful, tranquil life. This will only cause more tension rather than enjoyment. 

 

It DOES diminish as we age, especially if we follow a life of physical and mental health.  Low self-esteem can vanish early with experience, but we may persist with self-condemnation if we let our moral principles stay too high.  But in old age we progressively start recognizing our humanity,  that we are not saints, that we don't have an obligation to be role models, etc., and we give ourselves some well deserved peace.

[Why?]

On 2/19/2025 at 10:52 PM, Steve5380 said:

 

that we are not saints, that we don't have an obligation to be role models, etc., and we give ourselves some well deserved peace.

This is how I would put it.    To rely on mankind as role model, which is unsustainable, and then start doubting oneself will surely lead to self destruction. 

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, Why? said:

This is how I would put it.    To rely on mankind as role model, which is unsustainable, and then start doubting oneself will surely lead to self destruction. 

 

You are right.  But I would put it a little more mild:  to be an imperfect human does not prevent one from being a role model. But one does not have to be one.  Jesus, Buddha, they surely were role models. We can recognize imperfect humans as role models.  And trying to be one might not lead to "self destruction",  but simply to unhappiness, pain.  If we have good moral principles, we may be inclined to give too much of ourselves to others.  This is typical when young, working hard to support a family, educate our children, etc.  But it should come a point where the priority should switch to the wellbeing of OURSELVES.