Friends with a crush?

[Bovul]

Looking for advice. My thanks in advance. I'm still in the closet. One day, I met this guy who I instantly fell head over heels for. Nice guy, the type of body I like, the whole works. So even tho I was nervous as hell and almost gave myself a heart attack doing it, I came out to him (the first person I ever confessed to) and asked if he was gay too. Turns it he was straight but he was really nice about the whole thing (even though I wanted to crawl into a hole out of sheer embarrassment) and he agreed to keep my secret and we continued being friends.

 

Lately I realized that with anything regarding him, my emotional responses are magnified. I'm more inclined to join an event if he's there. And I feel guilty about this next one, sometimes I still fantasize about us together even though I know it cannot ever happen. When he did something to me (albeit unintentionally), I felt more deeply hurt compared to when others had done the same thing to me before. As a result my response was also greater than normal. It wasn't a crazy outburst but when he checked in on me after the incident, I admitted that I was really angry and I needed time to cool off or I might say something I would regret. I think this hurt him as he's a very nice guy and he felt guilty about what he had unintentionally done. We talked it out the next day and I thought we resolved it, but the friendship hasn't gone back to normal. I've asked him if everything is ok and he made up some excuses which I discovered may not have been true. Eg. He said he was just tired and went back early to sleep but I saw some of his posts at the wee hours of the morning (I guess he forgot I was also in that forum)

 

He's the kind of person who will admit his own faults but won't say when things are hurting him. I wish I could turn off my feelings towards him but I can't despite knowing we can't be together. I'm ok with just being friends with him but I'm scared I'll end up hurting him even more down the line. I'm also worried that hanging out with the guy I like but stand no chance with isn't healthy. I'm almost 40 but this is my first crush so I don't know how to handle this.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like the right thing to do is tell him about my worries so he understands why I have to end the friendship and he did nothing wrong. 

[lean n mean]

Most of us have been there before. Its unrequited n u shud leave him if u cant handle it. Its not fair to him n more importantly it is very stressful for u. If u dont break it up now u may waste many many years of your life over it. 

[egal]

u need some other healthier distraction

[doncoin]

This has nothing to do him. It is about you. You need to manage your feelings towards him. Usually, creating a distance and time apart helps. Find things to distract yourself and in time, you will look back at this moment, and laughed at how silly you were. 

[Bovul]

Thanks all! I'll give the distraction thing a try

[Steve5380]

Like others have written,  your experience happens to most of us.  There is this CURSE in society that forces some of us to remain in the closet!!!!!

 

But unreciprocated attraction and love is not an exclusivity of us gays.  It widely exists in the straight world too.  And it can be all as devastating as well.  How many men have not committed suicide because the woman of their life turned them down!  It's a shitty life! in a shitty world!

 

So you just have to do what we all have done:  put some distance between you and the unreciprocating person.  ( there is no one's fault ).  Shift your attention to other interests in life, until... until you have the next chance of falling in love.   Good luck the next time 

[Thatguy642]

This is a pretty universal experience for queer people and even women who are in love with gay men (not really familiar with straight guys falling in love with lesbians to the same degree but I know it happens!)

 

Honestly the best case scenario has already happened (second only to you guys getting together) but he seems like a really good guy. You already know that it’s unfair to him that you have these expectations but if you value him as a friend, you’re gonna have to get through this. Most of the time the infatuation fades the more we get to know someone but the best case scenario in that case would be that we absolutely learn to treasure and love them as the wonderful friends they are. 
 

It’s gonna be tough, but you’re strong. I don’t have any real advice on how to make it easier (it will suck for a while) but just continuously remind yourself to stay present and stop wishing for the impossible. Every time you guys hang out, just be in the moment and enjoy it, you deserve that at least.

 

I have similar experiences obviously on both sides and have managed to become friends with people I used to crush on and vice versa. One friend of mine is one of my closest friends and he’s 100% my type and thankfully he is also open minded and not afraid to show love to his friends. Seems like a good friend on your hands, hope you learn to manage your emotions pretty soon  

[Naveyafluz]

Even till now, i will still have crush with my straight friends. Like what others said, everyone will have such experiences. For some which i am close with, i will be honest with my feelings. Till now, none kept a distance and they actually appreciated my honesty and believe i will not have any "evil" intentions. 

[singalion]

On 3/25/2025 at 3:54 PM, Bovul said:

Looking for advice. My thanks in advance. I'm still in the closet. One day, I met this guy who I instantly fell head over heels for. Nice guy, the type of body I like, the whole works. So even tho I was nervous as hell and almost gave myself a heart attack doing it, I came out to him (the first person I ever confessed to) and asked if he was gay too. Turns it he was straight but he was really nice about the whole thing (even though I wanted to crawl into a hole out of sheer embarrassment) and he agreed to keep my secret and we continued being friends.

 

Lately I realized that with anything regarding him, my emotional responses are magnified. I'm more inclined to join an event if he's there. And I feel guilty about this next one, sometimes I still fantasize about us together even though I know it cannot ever happen. When he did something to me (albeit unintentionally), I felt more deeply hurt compared to when others had done the same thing to me before. As a result my response was also greater than normal. It wasn't a crazy outburst but when he checked in on me after the incident, I admitted that I was really angry and I needed time to cool off or I might say something I would regret. I think this hurt him as he's a very nice guy and he felt guilty about what he had unintentionally done. We talked it out the next day and I thought we resolved it, but the friendship hasn't gone back to normal. I've asked him if everything is ok and he made up some excuses which I discovered may not have been true. Eg. He said he was just tired and went back early to sleep but I saw some of his posts at the wee hours of the morning (I guess he forgot I was also in that forum)

 

He's the kind of person who will admit his own faults but won't say when things are hurting him. I wish I could turn off my feelings towards him but I can't despite knowing we can't be together. I'm ok with just being friends with him but I'm scared I'll end up hurting him even more down the line. I'm also worried that hanging out with the guy I like but stand no chance with isn't healthy. I'm almost 40 but this is my first crush so I don't know how to handle this.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like the right thing to do is tell him about my worries so he understands why I have to end the friendship and he did nothing wrong. 

 

The very best thing is not getting into a crush with straight guys at all.

You must program yourself that any straight guys are just off limits.

 

Further, don't come out to guys where you unaware whether they are straight or gay.

This is risky, as there are gay haters or people who prefer to bully the weaker.

 

It all happens that we have some inferior/superior colleague we find attractive, the friend of a friend or in some other social setting etc, but it mostly ends in nothing or in the worst case in embarrassment of your colleagues/ the other friends starting to tease you, name calling etc.

 

Take the crushes out of the turf of the gay pool and restrict even getting to have bigger feelings for a straight guy.

 

The guy here in your case might get just extremely angry on you and will put you out of the closed despite his promise. The danger lingers always around.

 

Just keep distance and forget the episode, but learn not to have crushes on straight guys, which are out of your reach anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

[Sweetie Pie]

On 3/25/2025 at 3:54 PM, Bovul said:

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Indeed, I have, numerous times.  I can't even count how many men I've fallen in love with. They all got married, and it turns out that they are straight.  Although some of them identify as gay, they are not as perfect as I first believed.  After being hurt of my feelings, numerous times, insomnia, self-torturing, crying, fainting, and vomiting, I eventually became an in-house monk. I discovered how to love myself, let go, and saw the world as merely a passage to a more spiritual version of myself.   I feel so safe, protected, and meaningful when I think of myself as someone even greater than everyone else—a confident soul, a sacred being, and a pure person, sexless, not in pursuit of anything in transient nor carnal.   Every time I heard someone say something that I had already experienced, I just shook my head, laughed it off, and rolled my eyes at their foolishness, drama, and immaturity.  In this world, who am I to pass judgment?  I've already awakened, perhaps enlightened, feeling serene and at peace, not easily attracted to anything nor convinced by anything.  I enjoy living my own simple life now, even though I am still attracted by men whom I like, but I kept my door closed to do more fruitful things.

The above is my profound answer to TS.    

 

 

[reece7700]

Agree that some distance/time away from him will help. You don't have to break the friendship forever, but maybe just temporarily while you work on your own emotions and identity. Can always rekindle the friendship in the future when you still care but no longer crushing on him. 

[Creevie]

On 3/25/2025 at 3:54 PM, Bovul said:

Looking for advice. My thanks in advance. I'm still in the closet. One day, I met this guy who I instantly fell head over heels for. Nice guy, the type of body I like, the whole works. So even tho I was nervous as hell and almost gave myself a heart attack doing it, I came out to him (the first person I ever confessed to) and asked if he was gay too. Turns it he was straight but he was really nice about the whole thing (even though I wanted to crawl into a hole out of sheer embarrassment) and he agreed to keep my secret and we continued being friends.

 

Lately I realized that with anything regarding him, my emotional responses are magnified. I'm more inclined to join an event if he's there. And I feel guilty about this next one, sometimes I still fantasize about us together even though I know it cannot ever happen. When he did something to me (albeit unintentionally), I felt more deeply hurt compared to when others had done the same thing to me before. As a result my response was also greater than normal. It wasn't a crazy outburst but when he checked in on me after the incident, I admitted that I was really angry and I needed time to cool off or I might say something I would regret. I think this hurt him as he's a very nice guy and he felt guilty about what he had unintentionally done. We talked it out the next day and I thought we resolved it, but the friendship hasn't gone back to normal. I've asked him if everything is ok and he made up some excuses which I discovered may not have been true. Eg. He said he was just tired and went back early to sleep but I saw some of his posts at the wee hours of the morning (I guess he forgot I was also in that forum)

 

He's the kind of person who will admit his own faults but won't say when things are hurting him. I wish I could turn off my feelings towards him but I can't despite knowing we can't be together. I'm ok with just being friends with him but I'm scared I'll end up hurting him even more down the line. I'm also worried that hanging out with the guy I like but stand no chance with isn't healthy. I'm almost 40 but this is my first crush so I don't know how to handle this.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I feel like the right thing to do is tell him about my worries so he understands why I have to end the friendship and he did nothing wrong. 

My first time like that was when I was 15. Ended badly when I was 19, the whole thing. 
 

I wanna tell you to give him space and truly Back Off because you need to be fair to him too. If you’re obsessive and compulsive when it comes to him, you need to quit cornering him because of your infatuation, or rather because your perspective is not broad enough. 
 

I’ve had five such straight crushes throughout my life and I’m 41 now. It’s been a while since I have gone heads over heels with a straight man. As we age and mature, we will not just let our emotions take over. We will use logic. Don’t be like some “woke” people who only knows how to rule their lives by their feelings.
 

 I think what helped me then was remembering that there are other things in life that give us contentment. Be more mindful of your parents who are aging - they too need our kind attention. Go on a dream trip. And also, I watched a few YouTube videos before where people shared similar experiences - it’s so important to know that other gays have experienced or are experiencing straights crushes before and now too. 
Most of all, I look back and I think to myself what the fack did I ever like about those guys before lmao lol. 
Because as I grew older, I became a better version of myself. My outlook towards life has developed. My priorities and interests/hobbies also make my life colourful. Get busier too - most times I was simply too free in the past to have to luxury to fantasize about what could have been. And I look back at my younger years and cringe at my mindset and attitudes ahha. 
 

Basically, for now, you need to shift your attention to other things. I remember I went to hang out with my polytechnic friends and we went for weekly or fortnightly jogs and hikes. I pump muscle in the gym and swim and jog. I started studying Buddhist sutras and teachings. I got into freshwater aquarium fishkeeping. I play the piano and recently did Chinese pop songs. I travel to Europe. I play older computer games like Starcraft still lol. Still get together with my ex-sales friends - friends are jewels, do not forget. A handful are enough already. So many other things. 
 

So much more to life and really, the more I get upclose to my crushes, the more I see how they’re really not that big of a deal - they’re very real humans whose charming facade falls away once you know them better. We need to not let romantic movies and unrealistic social media stories cloud our perspective of Real Life. The infatuation fades. That’s why they’re called CRUSHES - they really crush us when we’re in it. 
 

Take care. I’m not there yet but I’m much much more content than before. Inner peace maybe

[auscent]

You deserve real happiness, not fantasies. Fight the temptation. Go for the real thing bro.

[Steve5380]

On 3/29/2025 at 11:23 PM, Creevie said:

 

So much more to life and really, the more I get upclose to my crushes, the more I see how they’re really not that big of a deal - they’re very real humans whose charming facade falls away once you know them better. We need to not let romantic movies and unrealistic social media stories cloud our perspective of Real Life. The infatuation fades. That’s why they’re called CRUSHES - they really crush us when we’re in it. 
 

Take care. I’m not there yet but I’m much much more content than before. Inner peace maybe

 

 

With your mentality, if you are not there yet at 41,  you will be surely there as an octogenarian.  I am in my 80s and it is a relief to be practically free of "crushes".  So many other joyful activities can take the place of sex,...  without all the troubles of it!  

[Why?]

On 3/30/2025 at 12:23 PM, Creevie said:

As we age and mature, we will not just let our emotions take over. We will use logic. Don’t be like some “woke” people who only knows how to rule their lives by their feelings. I think what helped me then was remembering that there are other things in life that give us contentment. Be more mindful of your parents who are aging - they too need our kind attention. Most of all, I look back and I think to myself what the fack did I ever like about those guys before lmao lol. 
Because as I grew older, I became a better version of myself. My outlook towards life has developed. My priorities and interests/hobbies also make my life colourful.  And I look back at my younger years and cringe at my mindset and attitudes ahha. Basically, for now, you need to shift your attention to other things,
 the more I get upclose to my crushes, the more I see how they’re really not that big of a deal - they’re very real humans whose charming facade falls away once you know them better.

 

It must have taken you a long arduous journey in life, to realise that life is more important than "Crushes and Sex".  Your answer came timely when I was about to start a topic "I need help, my sex desires have slowly faded".  Don't get me wrong I do have feelings for other men, so that doesn't imply I don't.   It is less important to me now than before. I am ready to live alone and pursue my passions free from the stress and drama that come with being in a relationship which I noticed a prevalent stories (fiction or genuine) in this forum.    Nobody deserves to waste a significant part of their life on "Sex and Crushes" over more colorful and interesting discovery out there and most importantly,  be in love with yourself like watching your diet, health, and keeping your wallet save for old age needs?   

Edited 9 hours ago by Why?