How to distract yourself from thoughts

[janth]

Long story short, I'm someone who displays anxious attachments when rejected/broken up with. So to avoid having to show this side of me I tend to be very guarded when I date.

 

Recently, I dated someone for a fairly short period of time, but when it ended, it got to a point where a lot of hurt was caused both ways.

 

I've recently started my journey of letting go over the past week. I've used ChatGPT which offered a lot of helpful advice and I've tried a lot of what therapists/counsellors/experts tell me, but the thoughts, memories and projections of him don't seem to be fading - though I know it takes time. I've done things like channeling energy into a hobby; finding things to occupy my time; self-reflection and improvement; connecting with close friends; gaming; meditation; and exercise.

 

Could you share what else you do to get over a tough period or distract yourself from thoughts?

Edited Wednesday at 08:06 AM by janth
Edit - I'm not really looking for commentary on the situation but more of suggestions to the last question.

[singalion]

Sorry, at start I tell you that I am quite blunt (it's a result of upbringing and education).

 

a) Be always careful in dating guys who just recently broke up, mostly their initiative for a relationship is not very honest or they are still blinded by their past relationship. In most cases they just need some comfort and once they are back on track they just hop away as if they never knew you.

 

b) People who tend to be much too flowery in their talk, are often not serious. Sweet talk. Learn to open your senses on detecting who seems more serious in their talk and don't fall on these praises (in particular by people who just know you for a short while).

 

c) Does blocking people seriously help? Isn't it your own thing not to get too involved and just stop messaging with someone else?

 

d) Please find some friends who can distract you from such things. I find it already bad that you need to consult AI on such things, which you can easily discuss with close friends. Don't stay alone, create a circle of close gay friends.

 

c) memories will always come back (and may haunt you). It is like passing by a restaurant, where you had your first dinner with your bf, every time you pass by you will remember the thing. Or you stumble over a book that you received from someone important etc.

 

d) Maybe a longer holiday can get you on other thoughts. (Trip to Mexico, Egypt). But probably it would help if you have a friend to join you on the trip.

You can also ask to join some gay self help group (there are some in Singapore), the work would keep you surely busy and distracted.

If you don't find anything, cooking or baking may help.

 

I think your personal biggest issue is that you have nobody to talk to (even on gay things), Therefore I strongly recommend to you again to create a bunch of close (gay) friends to share more of your life with instead of staying in your solitude.

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 07:47 AM by singalion

[sphere]

Hi @janth, sorry to hear about the emotions and heartache you're going through. As with most breakups, I suppose it takes time to heal (the length of time needed is subjective though).

 

You just need to continue on with channelling your time and energy into areas which could distract your attention, so that eventually the 'pain in your heart' somewhat subsided, then you would feel better.

 

Am not going to lie, even now I would occasionally still think of 'that special someone from the past', it was just memories but not the heartache anymore - it would always be there, just that I don't feel anything now.

 

It might be good if you have a closed friend or two you could confide in, so that you won't be too 'emotional drained'. All the best eh!

 

[Axel Lai]

Rule of thumb, never give out your all, or place your love relationship over anything or above yourself. Learn to love and also self-love. 

Learn to love others but not hoping anything back in return. 

The moment when he declared that he wanted to get back to being friends, fair enough, he is being truthful to himself and you, I think it's normal because things happen. and the story should have just ended there, respect his decision, and move on.

[janth]

Hey @singalion thanks for the harsh truths. I understand I probably went in with rose-tinted glasses because it was the first time I felt like someone was also investing time, energy and emotions in me for a while. In hindsight, (a)(b)(c#2) make sense to me. But I'm looking to move forward and less thinking back.

 

I have a close circle of friends and they're a mix of gay/ally who I've been talking to, but thanks nonetheless for your suggestion.

[janth]

Hey @Axel Lai thanks - I know that now but a bit too late for that in this particular instance.

 

I've since redacted the story a lot more as I'm looking more for tips/suggestions on the topic rather than a commentary on my situation. Anything you can offer?

[singalion]

Just now, janth said:

Hey @singalion thanks for the harsh truths. I understand I probably went in with rose-tinted glasses because it was the first time I felt like someone was also investing time, energy and emotions in me for a while. In hindsight, (a)(b)(c#2) make sense to me. But I'm looking to move forward and less thinking back.

 

I have a close circle of friends and they're a mix of gay/ally who I've been talking to, but thanks nonetheless for your suggestion.

 

Ok, great, but if your close friends are not helpful, are they really considered as close friends?

 

on moving forward:

What distracts you most?

We don't know you.

for some it would be watching a certain tv series, reading a book, starting to do heavy exercise, cycling tours, working long hours, joining a theater play group, reading on something like history events etc etc. 

 

You could also try the love switch to hate therapy and think about anything you disliked on that guy and start "hating" him.

 

 

[IkuTube]

Dear @janth,

 

Empowering any thought process is a tricky task.  The mind is designed to think and it takes clarity to differentiate between needs and wants.  A study said that humans think “around 6.5 thought transitions per minute, which translates to over 6,000 thoughts per day” [as indicated by AI).

To tame the thinking mind is to become aware of what kind of thoughts you process.  It is important to take charge on situations and attempt not to care too much of ‘what could be’ or ‘what if’.  

Try to differentiate between random thoughts and dominant thoughts.  Knowing them eases any rising anxieties, any undue worries and unrealistic expectations.

From your sharing here, random thoughts are ideas where you live in your ‘anxious attachments’.  Sub-consciously, you create an environment where you (probably) amplify ‘memories and projections’ between you and him.  

Memories are attachment.  Projections are expectations.  As living individuals, how do we tend on them?  How do we live by them? 

Letting go is a desire to look into the future where the need and want involve only you and your well being.  The ownership to own good mental health is the motivational burning desire.  This is where the dominant thought has to be.  It is also important to know that the act of letting go takes time.  It requires conscious effort too.

However, the quick trick is on acceptance.  Life is a school full of lessons.  While we learn, we win some and lose some.  For all that’s worth, we do not regret our actions.  It is about us letting go our worries and accept things for what they are – for things happen for all the good reasons.  

Obviously you are learning from your experience and it would be good to take it as good lesson to be the better you.  Thank you for sharing and may you find the peace you are looking for.

The one thing I learn to ‘distract myself from thoughts’ is doing the things as written in the book ‘At Zero’ by Joe Vitale.  You may want to google it and invest in the book.

 

 

[Axel Lai]

11 minutes ago, janth said:

Hey @Axel Lai thanks - I know that now but a bit too late for that in this particular instance.

 

I've since redacted the story a lot more as I'm looking more for tips/suggestions on the topic rather than a commentary on my situation. Anything you can offer?

Okay then you can ignore my third sentence.

As suggestion, I think just find something in life you enjoy doing it, it can be hobby, or maybe learn something new from taking classes, can be a dance class, or vocal class or learn a new instrument. Or even start doing freelance work or part time.

Edited Wednesday at 08:19 AM by Axel Lai

[Kimochi]

5 hours ago, janth said:

Long story short, I'm someone who displays anxious attachments when rejected/broken up with. So to avoid having to show this side of me I tend to be very guarded when I date.

 

Recently, I dated someone for a fairly short period of time, but when it ended, it got to a point where a lot of hurt was caused both ways.

 

I've recently started my journey of letting go over the past week. I've used ChatGPT which offered a lot of helpful advice and I've tried a lot of what therapists/counsellors/experts tell me, but the thoughts, memories and projections of him don't seem to be fading - though I know it takes time. I've done things like channeling energy into a hobby; finding things to occupy my time; self-reflection and improvement; connecting with close friends; gaming; meditation; and exercise.

 

Could you share what else you do to get over a tough period or distract yourself from thoughts?

Run, jog, sprint, exercise, swim. Any sports which make you sweat and detox. 

 

Make yourself fitter and sexier. Destress at the same time. More bees come to you too. 

[Steve5380]

19 hours ago, janth said:

 

Could you share what else you do to get over a tough period or distract yourself from thoughts?

 

 

Hi @janth, it seems that you are getting excellent suggestions on how to distract yourself from thoughts.   A good "distraction"  is like taking a pain killer when we have a physical pain.  But such pain is... a reality!  And here @IkuTube has as usual made the best suggestion for your pain:  ACCEPTANCE.   Like we must recognize it when we have a physical pain and aim at getting it cured,  we should also recognize any injury of the heart and accept it as a reality.  You took a good first step by commenting it in this thread, and you hear from us that these injuries happen to all of us and we manage to recover from them.  They take time to cure, and to have them does not diminish your value as a person nor your chances to recover from them and return to happiness.  You find that there is no place for blame, neither yourself nor others.  It is a fact of life,  like your hair and nails continuously grow.  In my long life I have finally learned to let go and recover from hurt feelings.   But six years ago my heart (feelings) suffered a severe injury like it had never experienced before.  It was the death of my beloved boyfriend.  All the previous hurts were insignificant compared to this one.  An injury that does not leave place for guilt or blame, it is just... destiny!  It requires 100% acceptance.  Fortunately the pain slowly subsides, it is not in the way of happiness,  and it may be with me forever, fully manageable. 

[Startup]

When I ended a relationship a few years ago, I threw myself into work. I became better with my work, made more money and gained work fulfilment.

 

When it comes to relationships, you can never control how the other person thinks or acts. But when it comes to work, you can easily control what you put in, and usually you are able to see the commensurate results.

 

 

[Glyph]

work, eat, beat up random scrubs on guilty gear, watch korean variety shows for a good laugh, song hunting spree on spotify, youtube shorts, hang with bestie and whine about stuff. shower? then get on bed and realise it doesn't matter what i do at all cause the thought of him still comes, and it hits like a truck. fast forward a year later, i still think about him at times but it no longer affects me as before.

 

much like how you'd soon stop visiting this thread for tips/suggestions, that feeling of yours too will eventually fade. godspeed.

Edited Friday at 12:23 AM by Glyph