Cheating Boyfriend / Lover + Why Cheat when In a Relationship? (Compiled)

[GachiMuchi]

Most people can forgive, but not forget.

Some people no matter what you do to please them or change, will not be happy and are bound to bring up your past actions.

I am in such a relationship. ( 7th year together)

I was no saint and I did strayed in our relationship, which he found out 2 years ago, and since then my life has been hell and the heartache starts.

He demanded passwords to all my internet accounts which I have gladly gave to him because I have erred.

To prevent further problems I ceased all gay internet websites browsing including social networks websites.

He also becomes bossy and demanding.

Whenever I meet my friends for coffees or chat, I do not feel easy as I worry he might suspect I am having an affair.

Thus I have cut off most of my social contacts, even my close friends have stopped contacting me.

He makes demeaning & humiliating jokes about me, though in private.e

When we have arguments he will SMS me, his SMS are full off vulgarity.

Any arguments - I am in the wrong.

When I question his actions he will put the blame on me, shifting the cause of his irrational behaviour to what I did two years ago.

I have decided to stay in this relationship because it was me who had err, perhaps it is the almighty punishments for my infidelity?

I have cried lying next to him when he is sleeping, I blame myself for turning him into a MONSTER.

Nope. you are the one who gives him the power over you. You relinquish ur power and allow him to take control. If you don't, there is nothing he can do. The one who loves more are always weaker in power. Many gays are insecure, and they like to be in control. Some people will go to the extend of threats of death and does bodily harm to make the other party feel guilty so that they can relinquish control. They create drama and make a big hoo-haa so as to amplify your wrong and make u guilty. They will make you promise this and that, etc.

I can tell you that by the time you end your relationship, you will be alone and lonely with no friends because u CHOOSE to do so. We always have CHOICES to choose, but since u made those choices, you have no one to blame but yourself. You BF on the other hand played on your GUILT (many gays loves to do that). You being a nice guy, allowed him to do that to you all these years.

Why are you crying at nite, when you are the one who allowed it? If you don't like the arrangement, you should voice out. Don't let him keep playing the Guilt card to gain the upper hand.

Anyway, your life. your choice.

[Eddy]

Dahh-Linkk. you need to talk to him about it. and not like in one of those Channel 8 drama angles that almost always leads to train wrecks.

Start something like... "Honey, we need to talk. about your grindr account, i saw some stuff that's not jiving with what you told me before........"

Let him be the one to salvage the situation. And don't be too pushy on the purity topic. Everyone, even the str8 folk have the same problem. it's not all gay you know.

[Guest happyending]

but most men will have a fling, given the opportunity...

does happy ending with a hot sexy male masseur considered fling, and cheating?

....

[Guest grubear's fan]

ok guys a question

My boyfriend is in hospital (he is not well and i sont want to stress him out evermore)

now while he is in there i used his mobile (never really paid much attention to it before)

and i found stuff on there that i think he is cheeting or has been

He has grinder which i know about and i found some messages (yes i know i should of not looked but i am only human after all)

Messages of him meeting up with other guys (he said he uses grinder to meet friends and he wont do anything)

But the way i read the messages looks like he met up with one guy for more then friends, just stuff he has said to me when we plan to get together for sex (as its not that easy to meet up) he used the same kind of words to this other guy

Should i ask him now about it (while he is still in hospital) as its eating me up inside and when i go to visit him i have to smile and ask how he is (the usual stuff) when all i want to do is scream at him and ask what the hell is going on

What do you guys think ??

Thanks

Try putting yourself in his shoes.

If you are sick,he used your handphone and read your msg while you are hospitalized.

And he asked you the same thing when you are not well.How will you feel?

So have a little patience, at least wait until he is better.Even if you think he is a jerk.

as its eating me up inside

If you cannot cope, it is good to find a friend who will listen to your worries.At least you will have some support from a friend/friends.

In order for a r/s to work,both parties must value the bond. Otherwise it would just be one hand clapping.

Hope you can resolve this situation with your BF amicably.

[Guest elgar90]

Most people can forgive, but not forget.

Some people no matter what you do to please them or change, will not be happy and are bound to bring up your past actions.

I am in such a relationship. ( 7th year together)

I was no saint and I did strayed in our relationship, which he found out 2 years ago, and since then my life has been hell and the heartache starts.

He demanded passwords to all my internet accounts which I have gladly gave to him because I have erred.

To prevent further problems I ceased all gay internet websites browsing including social networks websites.

He also becomes bossy and demanding.

Whenever I meet my friends for coffees or chat, I do not feel easy as I worry he might suspect I am having an affair.

Thus I have cut off most of my social contacts, even my close friends have stopped contacting me.

He makes demeaning & humiliating jokes about me, though in private.

When we have arguments he will SMS me, his SMS are full off vulgarity.

Any arguments - I am in the wrong.

When I question his actions he will put the blame on me, shifting the cause of his irrational behaviour to what I did two years ago.

I have decided to stay in this relationship because it was me who had err, perhaps it is the almighty punishments for my infidelity?

I have cried lying next to him when he is sleeping, I blame myself for turning him into a MONSTER.

I do hope that you stayed in this r/s is because he is someone important to you and not just because this is a punishment you have to go through.

Once trust is broken, it's hard to earn it back.

Take your time to earn that trust back.

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

Prove to him that he can trust you again.

[Guest elgar90]

Snowball, who can say, yes it might come out when we argue but I do think I am strong enough that if he has and I do forgive him I won't bring it up again as it will hurt me more to re live it all over again

If he is who he is, no matter how many times you forgive him, he will still be the same.

I foolishly did what you did. The ending isn't fairy tale ending.

[Guest Guest]

Most people can forgive, but not forget.

Some people no matter what you do to please them or change, will not be happy and are bound to bring up your past actions.

I am in such a relationship. ( 7th year together)

I was no saint and I did strayed in our relationship, which he found out 2 years ago, and since then my life has been hell and the heartache starts.

He demanded passwords to all my internet accounts which I have gladly gave to him because I have erred.

To prevent further problems I ceased all gay internet websites browsing including social networks websites.

He also becomes bossy and demanding.

Whenever I meet my friends for coffees or chat, I do not feel easy as I worry he might suspect I am having an affair.

Thus I have cut off most of my social contacts, even my close friends have stopped contacting me.

He makes demeaning & humiliating jokes about me, though in private.

When we have arguments he will SMS me, his SMS are full off vulgarity.

Any arguments - I am in the wrong.

When I question his actions he will put the blame on me, shifting the cause of his irrational behaviour to what I did two years ago.

I have decided to stay in this relationship because it was me who had err, perhaps it is the almighty punishments for my infidelity?

I have cried lying next to him when he is sleeping, I blame myself for turning him into a MONSTER.

Firstly,Congratulation You have someone who CARED about you enough to be Angry with you for 2 year and who is willing to stay with you even after you strayed.

But..

You should not have sever your ties with your social circle it give the impression that you are trying to hide something.

After all he did ask for your passwords for all your accounts.

So be yourself

Why?

.

What your partner want is to know that you are not straying behind his back. again.

So the more you isolate yourself,The more suspicious you are. to him.

And if you are crying while he is sleeping why not cry in front of him while he is demeaning you?

The most important thing is that you must show that whatever he said can hurt you even if you felt it is unmanly because he is someone close to you.

If you care about him, you must let him know ;he is someone who will be with you for a long time.

And if things does not work out in the end,at least give him closure.

[craze]

If he is who he is, no matter how many times you forgive him, he will still be the same.

I foolishly did what you did. The ending isn't fairy tale ending.

yeah some people just never change no matter what...

[stylishvicky]

jux let him noe n get done w.

[TheVisitors]

All cheats are lies, but not all lies maybe all bad.

All cheats are strictly have to do with self interest, and nothings else.

If I say all lies may not be that bad, it means if you are catch lying, you better have a god damn good reason why did you lied in the firs place, or else it is of no excuse to attempt in the first place.

Thus white lies are good lies, created intentionlly to thwart an evil plan, or to save a situation from being aggravating.

It is done usually having the welfares of somebody in mind.

Cheaters are forever cheaters. When you ask them to explain a situation (why did they did it etc) I bet you, when you asked them 10 times, you will have 10 different versions.

None of the versions ever link logically or coherently to one another.

When asked why he did this, his logic is really out of this world. What he says he expects you to accept simply because he wants to contain his secret. Yet he fears you may probe into more deeply. They are bascially those who sweep all their dirty doings under the carpet, while trying to maintain a cool calm composure, and dignified manner.

To live with a cheater is to live in many many moments of uncertainty and fears being with him.And may i ask you, why do you want your self worth to be always humiliated, shaken and be perpetually living in a fear, just because his lies is forever confusing you 24 hours a day, having sleepless nights , hard circles and they even haunt you in your dreams.

If a person cheats and lies to you, is so simple. It simply means he doesn't even respect you in the first place, so why do you wanna waste your youth energy time with the unworthies who doesn't care a damn about your feelings, while you cared so much to put in all efforts to savage a relationship ?

To catch a cheater you must first have a big of a thief's mind or have a criminal mind.

Now bear in mind this..I totally agree its very wrong to check into your bf,s handphone or emails to find evidences to justify your suspicion...but...just because there is no traces left in any one in any of the gadgets, does not mean he is faithful.

He can delete all evidental traces, so as to appear as a goody two shoes to you.

You must know the character of your cheater inside out. You must be observant of his daily routine his diet his choice of dressing, his choice of colours for this and that. You must be very sharp and fast to take down all these little observations, right at your finger tips.

See what they don't do, heard what they don't say, this is my basic principle, but it can be adjusted to suit the various matrix combinations to cater to the different characters of cheaters.

Fortuntely for me, I am a highly sensitive and intuitive person. Its just by looking at a person into the eyes,even from the corners of my eyes, I can sense whats in the person's mind. Its a gift i have, that had navigated me out of many diificulties I had faced before. By looking into him, I am usually two steps ahead what the person wants and what he is about to say.

Those days and nights when i didn't stay over my bf's places, I just know whether they have cheated behind my back.

Entering their bedroom I can usually sense the presence of a third party. Its like smelling someone in a room. Then an image just builds up in my mind how this person looks like, and what really happened in the room.

Even if he cheats outside, I literally can "smell" out what he just did.

Most of the time I act blur and let them get away with it, until the right moment comes, I just revealed to them what I knew they were doing all along. Its so nice to see the shock of the cheaters'faces.

Some of my ex were lawyers, army officers and had a pychologist, but i beat them to the game.

Of course, there are so many simple tricks I have devised to confirm their cheating, which I have created and imparted to many of gfs. They found the methods, simple effective cunnning and devious, which they got their answer within two week.

However i am not going to post any of them , just as to save the innocence from the mischevious makers.

The cheaters can go on cheating, while thinking they are very smart to get away with everything they lie. Till they meet their match, and then they will know what the Chinese proveb - one mountain higher than the previous mountain - really means, let them learn their lesson.

They can go on cheating and lying : I rather choose to live a simple and quiet life with someone truthful.

Edited December 2, 2010 by TheVisitors

[Guest Not only gay]

Nope. you are the one who gives him the power over you. You relinquish ur power and allow him to take control. If you don't, there is nothing he can do. The one who loves more are always weaker in power. Many gays are insecure, and they like to be in control. Some people will go to the extend of threats of death and does bodily harm to make the other party feel guilty so that they can relinquish control. They create drama and make a big hoo-haa so as to amplify your wrong and make u guilty. They will make you promise this and that, etc.

I can tell you that by the time you end your relationship, you will be alone and lonely with no friends because u CHOOSE to do so. We always have CHOICES to choose, but since u made those choices, you have no one to blame but yourself. You BF on the other hand played on your GUILT (many gays loves to do that). You being a nice guy, allowed him to do that to you all these years.

.…..…

Anyway, your life. your choice.

I think u meant well. For sure, not only gays like to play on others guilt and a drama queen. There areamt more straight example u can find. I think afterall, is that person u love. U r what u r…

[Guest Expert?]

All cheats are lies, but not all lies maybe all bad.

All cheats are strictly have to do with self interest, and nothings else.

If I say all lies may not be that bad, it means if you are catch lying, you better have a god damn good reason why did you lied in the firs place, or else it is of no excuse to attempt in the first place.

Thus white lies are good lies, created intentionlly to thwart an evil plan, or to save a situation from being aggravating.

It is done usually having the welfares of somebody in mind.

Cheaters are forever cheaters. When you ask them to explain a situation (why did they did it etc) I bet you, when you asked them 10 times, you will have 10 different versions.

None of the versions ever link logically or coherently to one another.

When asked why he did this, his logic is really out of this world. What he says he expects you to accept simply because he wants to contain his secret. Yet he fears you may probe into more deeply. They are bascially those who sweep all their dirty doings under the carpet, while trying to maintain a cool calm composure, and dignified manner.

To

I guess u meant well too but with such a complicated character and revengful heart, u would have achieved enlightenment to lead a simple and truthful life.

[TheVisitors]

I guess u meant well too but with such a complicated character and revengful heart, u would have achieved enlightenment to lead a simple and truthful life.

I dont think you are aware of how the word enlightenment is used. I never said I am a spiritual person. In the past there were people who put such words in my word. It just simply means you seen things from many dimensions and are more aware of your suroundings than an average person. Yet, I don't know everything and still willingly to learn new things everyday.

There is no indictators that I am out to wage a revengeful war with anyone.

What I posted was to show many here, the nature of cheaters and why to spot one from my experiences.

In addition, it serve to tell people that in reality, if you think you are so smart going around cheating people who trusted you and making a fool out of them, what makes you think they already don't know all your tricks? Thus in the end, the biggest fool is the cheater is himself. Aren't I right about this?

What I can devise and come up with, are simple plans which thwart and sabotage cheaters who goes out cheating and hurting others especially innocent parties. What is so complicated and revengeful about that?

You will only disagree unless you are a cheater yourself.

[Guest Expert? Last reply]

.........

There is no indictators that I am out to wage a revengeful war with anyone.

What I posted was to show many here, the nature of cheaters and why to spot one from my experiences.

.… them, what makes you think they already don't know all your tricks? Thus in the end, the biggest fool is the cheater is himself. Aren't I right about

What I can devise and come up with, are simple plans which thwart and sabotage cheaters who goes out cheating and hurting others especially innocent parties. What is so complicated and revengeful about that?

You will only disagree unless you are a cheater yourself.

I ain't expert, and like to learn new things that are constructive and helpful. Ain't young either. But rest assure whatever devised plan that produced to catch cheating spouse will be ended in misery (basically u one a clean and clear broke off). To readers, if u have time for a plan to catch a cheating spouse, fundamentally, the objective is likely for a breakup. However, if u both of them are in LTR, please consider other ways; like love him more; explore the common interest; more accomodating e.g. Go with him to places he likes even u have to wait for an hour or more. Make an overseas trip and hold him in your arms. I guess not only straight couple can do but all of us can do it too.

Proving ourselves right and the other party is cheating can be satisfying but think again. Even we can't be a couple with our love one, can we close the chapter with peace 好聚好散?

Wishing all have a happy festive season!

[bigis4me]

Most people can forgive, but not forget.

Some people no matter what you do to please them or change, will not be happy and are bound to bring up your past actions.

I am in such a relationship. ( 7th year together)

I was no saint and I did strayed in our relationship, which he found out 2 years ago, and since then my life has been hell and the heartache starts.

He demanded passwords to all my internet accounts which I have gladly gave to him because I have erred.

To prevent further problems I ceased all gay internet websites browsing including social networks websites.

He also becomes bossy and demanding.

Whenever I meet my friends for coffees or chat, I do not feel easy as I worry he might suspect I am having an affair.

Thus I have cut off most of my social contacts, even my close friends have stopped contacting me.

He makes demeaning & humiliating jokes about me, though in private.

When we have arguments he will SMS me, his SMS are full off vulgarity.

Any arguments - I am in the wrong.

When I question his actions he will put the blame on me, shifting the cause of his irrational behaviour to what I did two years ago.

I have decided to stay in this relationship because it was me who had err, perhaps it is the almighty punishments for my infidelity?

I have cried lying next to him when he is sleeping, I blame myself for turning him into a MONSTER.

I have heard of str marriages where the wife will bear all punishment just because she err one day and because of children she stays or she may be a person who just like being controlled. I find in a gay relationship, you dont have to take this kind of punishment just because you err one day. You dont have children to hold you back we are all humans and we can make mistakes but nothing is forever so unless you like to be punish forever then stay in this unusual relationship and on the other side have you ever thought why you did the it in the first place???????. I would think everything has a mirror effect so sit back and realise properly whats more important.

[TheVisitors]

I ain't expert, and like to learn new things that are constructive and helpful. Ain't young either. But rest assure whatever devised plan that produced to catch cheating spouse will be ended in misery (basically u one a clean and clear broke off). To readers, if u have time for a plan to catch a cheating spouse, fundamentally, the objective is likely for a breakup. However, if u both of them are in LTR, please consider other ways; like love him more; explore the common interest; more accomodating e.g. Go with him to places he likes even u have to wait for an hour or more. Make an overseas trip and hold him in your arms. I guess not only straight couple can do but all of us can do it too.

Proving ourselves right and the other party is cheating can be satisfying but think again. Even we can't be a couple with our love one, can we close the chapter with peace 好聚好散?

Wishing all have a happy festive season!

If you aren't young either, then the more you will have wisen up to realize not everyone likes to end a relationships as amicably as possible, like you do. Its is about your exposure and experience that will aid you in handling people , a situation, but more about yourself in the future.

Different people and different situation calls for different tactics and style in handling a dilemna, or a very sensitive issue.

Things that are happening between two people, only they will know too well what were the reasons. Outsiders don't really have the real story, that often, whatever views and opinions they impose, may further harm a relationship.

Reasons leading to betryals are so complex and it varies on case to case biasis, but being human, most cheaters will usually blame their partners for causing them to stray.

After you have found out your partner have cheated on you and the reason why he cheated, it is then up to the individual , on how he wishes to handle the whole thing. Should he try to patch back if he thinks the r/s is worth to salvage, should he seek his revenge, should he ignore all his bf's backdoor's doing, or should he just move on.

The choice is all up to the individual, for whatever reactions they choose to adopt, there is always a reward they too have to face, at the end of the road and everything.

[irus1966]

Gays are not SAINTS, for heaven sake. We always GIVE and TAKE. :clap:

[oralb]

Firstly you really shouldnt read his msg privately, that's betraying of his trust.

After your 2nd explanation, I would think 2 months maybe too little to judge whether is this a relationship or the starting of a relationship. Have you ever talk to him about whether is this relationship open? Those messages could be from those flirts he had 2 months prior.

Ask youself:

- What do you want in a relationship?

- Can you accept that he strayed?

- If not, maybe you have to decide on what you want to do next - leave him?

- If he decides to remain faithful from now onwards, would you forgive and forget?

- If he can't, can you endure?

Lastly, maybe he betrayed you, but dont betray yourself to do things that you shouldnt do.

[Guest quickwords]

forget the sms for the time being n take care of him till he recovers...then follow oralb's advices!

for those who cheated n put the blame squarely on ur hormones or ur non-cheating other-half, shame on u! :yuk:

[Guest Wake up]

Hey guys....

Love is mutual.. there are so many things to do for a couple.. probs will arise when u see mistakes and bordom.. try to spice things up.. or end the r/s as it will end sooner or later...my advice..

[Guest Agree]

Lesson I learnt myself is ons or casual sex is to satisfy physical needs whereas sex in some relationship will progress to emotion support. Sometime best is not to know ......

Agree 200%

[Guest Marvin Gay]

ok guys a question

My boyfriend is in hospital (he is not well and i sont want to stress him out evermore)

now while he is in there i used his mobile (never really paid much attention to it before)

and i found stuff on there that i think he is cheeting or has been

He has grinder which i know about and i found some messages (yes i know i should of not looked but i am only human after all)

Messages of him meeting up with other guys (he said he uses grinder to meet friends and he wont do anything)

But the way i read the messages looks like he met up with one guy for more then friends, just stuff he has said to me when we plan to get together for sex (as its not that easy to meet up) he used the same kind of words to this other guy

Should i ask him now about it (while he is still in hospital) as its eating me up inside and when i go to visit him i have to smile and ask how he is (the usual stuff) when all i want to do is scream at him and ask what the hell is going on

What do you guys think ??

Thanks

My friend started to cheat when he found out his boyfriend cheated on him 10 yrs ago.

But they have been together for 20 yrs and loved each other a lot (when they are not cheating on each other). I told him they are pair 'Made In Hell' for each other. They are up there with Tiger, Beckham, Jessie,.....etc in the Hall of Game(lying, ducking, pretending, evading)

Cheating seems to be the latest trend in today's world.

[Guest WhatAgeIsThis]

To all those who advised (you know you are) full tolerance of a cheating boyfriend, you may need to check your calendar. Are you still living in the age of Scarlett O Hara or is your mind fantasising what some fag hags have been craving for to prove to the world, i.e. they can change his character through sheer shameless persistence. Even straight women have begun to put their foot down on cheating simply because they have learned from their mothers and aunts who mistook their low self esteem fore a one sided love. Tolerating a cheat even after 10 years of relationship is just proof to the infidel he was right that you are not worth it.

To that person(s) who advocate that men will always cheat and therefore it is no big deal, you may wish to read up more on childhood issues and learn how to be more matured. Men like this are not worth your time because you know you are just the temporary filler in his life; there is no depth, trust and integrity though he may pretend to love you.

Just a case in point, despite all these years of knowing him and at one stage developing affections for him, I had to decline his approach to be closer and sometimes even gave him the cold treatment. Unknown to him, I knew about all ex-bfs experiences though he tries very hard to conceal them at the gym especially in front of the female members who adore him like crazy. The biggest joke was there was this fan in her late 20s who insisted her female intuition told her he is straight, which is quite believable because he is ultra straight-acting macho man and sometimes even flirts with the female members, aunties included. Basically, he is a multidimensional cheat.

There was once he was away for 2 weeks which he claimed to be on a business trip in China. When he came back the very first night and when he saw me, he hugged me so tight twice and for quite a while that my back ached a bit after that. He is shorter than the average guy. When I asked about his trip, he again affirmed it was solely for 'business' and not for 'pleasure'. In the end, I found out in actual fact his bf had brought him to Shangrila for their 'honeymoon' and the evidence which appeared later were there to prove it. Even as a friend, this much, he could not be honest much as I understand he wants to keep it from me and be open about being attached. I felt sorry for his deaf and dumb literally bf, which broke up with him a few months ago and realised this cheat could be two or more timing others. I am so glad that I will never be in their shoes because even up to this day, the cheat is still trying to get me despite having changed a couple of bfs.

[ahming_87]

Hey guys..

I'm facing a relationship crisis which I may need your honest advices. Sorry for the long post..

My bf and I have been together for 3 months,

my bf noticed me in PLAY and approached my friend to get to know more about me, eventually, we meet each other on grindr and started chatting... and within two weeks, we got together. (It's fast.. and hastily.. im regretting it) After we got together, I suggested to him to delete off grindr in our phones as I think that with grindr ard, it does no good to a RS, bottomline is, grindr is more of a hook up app. However, I did give him an option to use grindr as I do not want to jeopardize his rights to make friends , however, I told him, I will not like it and he agreed to delete it for me.

Problem

A week ago, while playing with his phone, I found the app in his phone under the folder 'EXTRA'. I was totally disappointed and angry. The sudden sense of insecure overwhelmed me. I confronted him on this and he tried to smoke through stating that he told me before, which he obviously didn't or else, i will definitely remember.

I asked abt his purpose in using it.. He claimed he was bored at home and needs someone to talk to.. and whenever i texted him while he's at home, he will reply me, either he's studying or sleeping.. Im really scared that he will cheat on me.

On the day itself, I wanted to break up with him.. but he pleaded with me not to do it again and promise me not to install the app again.. I forgive him on the surface..however.. the sense of insecure is still deep in my heart.. I even installed grindr in my phone secretly just to spy on him whether is he still using it anot... Im even planning to secretly set restriction on his phone..

I think our relationship is going downhill.. yet, i don want to lose him.. what should I do..

regds..

troubled

Edited April 24, 2011 by ahming_87

[briax]

Dear Troubled,

Grindr or no Grindr, you have things to work out with your BF. It is the level of trust and communication you need to build. Like flying a kite, too loose the kite will fly away, too tight the kite will snap. Work out an arrangement. If you think he is not going to remove the app, (or any other social apps), work out an agreement that you dun mind him having it in the phone. But establish the boundary like he needs to state he is in a relationship in the app or cannot meet the person without your knowledge. You have to decide what is acceptable in the relationship.

You cannot be watching him 24/7, he has FB, Fridae, BW, Trevvy and all sorts of mobile apps he can download or use. You cannot watch if he is checking out another guy in the MRT or at office. By being more suspicious, you are adding unnecessary stress to yourself, him and this relationship.

And also, being a couple does not mean you are living in a world where is only two of you. Build mutual friendships and if possible, be more involved with his family (if your comfort level of sexuality permits openness to his family). A relationship with more external support can last longer. Do not live within your own cocoon, it is not healthy.

Learn to build trust.

[waterballoon]

Personally, as a control freak I'll just set the rules on what he can and can't do on Grindr.

Okay kidding, but I think, what is important is to really communicate well.. like on what exactly are u both doing on Grindr. I mean if it's just making friends, it should be fine right? Unless u find out that he has been going on hook ups via that then wow that's fxxked up.

But anyway, I think u also have to ask urself why u said in the 1st place, about deleting Grindr. Did u really think it'd be "not so nice" or was it because u were feeling afraid and insecure of him having the possibility of having a hook up/liking someone else?

But anyway, I think right now, u should have a talk with him about using Grindr. But of course I can't force u on anything, I just think it'd be fine if it were used as a social networking tool to make friends/chats... chatting with the same person every day IS boring actually...

[Jetstream]

IMO, you have to change your attitude. You are only 3 months into your relatioship and you are already seeking to control your partner. If there's anything that destroys a relationship more than anything, it is the element of control that one party places over the other; that of seeking to change the other. Go with the flow. Learn to trust. Learn to accept certain habits. By all means, express yourself about your partner's habits that displease you, but there's no need to be inscure. If the trust is broken, forgive, but if the offence is repeated despite your expressing your unhappiness, then you really ought to consider whether he is the one for you, because it clearly shows he is not concerned about your feelings by his insensitivity. There're no greater commitments in a relationship than sensitivity and trust. If these are missing, then there is no true relationship.

Hey guys..

I'm facing a relationship crisis which I may need your honest advices. Sorry for the long post..

My bf and I have been together for 3 months,

my bf noticed me in PLAY and approached my friend to get to know more about me, eventually, we meet each other on grindr and started chatting... and within two weeks, we got together. (It's fast.. and hastily.. im regretting it) After we got together, I suggested to him to delete off grindr in our phones as I think that with grindr ard, it does no good to a RS, bottomline is, grindr is more of a hook up app. However, I did give him an option to use grindr as I do not want to jeopardize his rights to make friends , however, I told him, I will not like it and he agreed to delete it for me.

Problem

A week ago, while playing with his phone, I found the app in his phone under the folder 'EXTRA'. I was totally disappointed and angry. The sudden sense of insecure overwhelmed me. I confronted him on this and he tried to smoke through stating that he told me before, which he obviously didn't or else, i will definitely remember.

I asked abt his purpose in using it.. He claimed he was bored at home and needs someone to talk to.. and whenever i texted him while he's at home, he will reply me, either he's studying or sleeping.. Im really scared that he will cheat on me.

On the day itself, I wanted to break up with him.. but he pleaded with me not to do it again and promise me not to install the app again.. I forgive him on the surface..however.. the sense of insecure is still deep in my heart.. I even installed grindr in my phone secretly just to spy on him whether is he still using it anot... Im even planning to secretly set restriction on his phone..

I think our relationship is going downhill.. yet, i don want to lose him.. what should I do..

regds..

troubled

[mamemo]

I believe in trust and freedom.

I let my ex do everything he wants. i told him if he has a sense of responsibility, he would not do anything funny. Trust

i used to help him come up with ideas to get to know the girl he is interested in(i am a better talker then he is). Freedom

of course i am unhappy about it but i love him and if he decides being with a girl means he is happy, then so be it. i would not force anything.

we broke up in the end because he know its hurting me and he can't help it. thats the way to not hurt me more.

I still miss him though.

[fab]

I assume that u r 24 and I assume u will live till 74, at least.

So would u wanna worry every day for the next 50 years together with him?

[darkflame]

I don't really mind if my guy uses Grindr.

I'm his partner, not his parent.

He knows the consequences jolly well.

Falling in love and breaking up are part and parcel of life.

If we break up, it cannot be helped.

What's yours will be yours. What won't be yours will never be.

That's what I will tell myself if I'm moving towards the demise of the relationship.

If he loves me after a fling, he'll come back.

Or else, I'd simply take that he wasn't that into me.

[winterboy]

Hey guys..

I'm facing a relationship crisis which I may need your honest advices. Sorry for the long post..

My bf and I have been together for 3 months,

my bf noticed me in PLAY and approached my friend to get to know more about me, eventually, we meet each other on grindr and started chatting... and within two weeks, we got together. (It's fast.. and hastily.. im regretting it) After we got together, I suggested to him to delete off grindr in our phones as I think that with grindr ard, it does no good to a RS, bottomline is, grindr is more of a hook up app. However, I did give him an option to use grindr as I do not want to jeopardize his rights to make friends , however, I told him, I will not like it and he agreed to delete it for me.

Problem

A week ago, while playing with his phone, I found the app in his phone under the folder 'EXTRA'. I was totally disappointed and angry. The sudden sense of insecure overwhelmed me. I confronted him on this and he tried to smoke through stating that he told me before, which he obviously didn't or else, i will definitely remember.

I asked abt his purpose in using it.. He claimed he was bored at home and needs someone to talk to.. and whenever i texted him while he's at home, he will reply me, either he's studying or sleeping.. Im really scared that he will cheat on me.

On the day itself, I wanted to break up with him.. but he pleaded with me not to do it again and promise me not to install the app again.. I forgive him on the surface..however.. the sense of insecure is still deep in my heart.. I even installed grindr in my phone secretly just to spy on him whether is he still using it anot... Im even planning to secretly set restriction on his phone..

I think our relationship is going downhill.. yet, i don want to lose him.. what should I do..

regds..

troubled

The most important thing in a relationship is communication, next is trust... since he promised not to do that anymore, perhaps u should trust him? if i were in your shoe, i probably wont mind unless he's really looking for sex with others...

[Guest VeryChildishu]

Some of the advice above come straight out from many Western self help and relationship books and some could have leapt out from the pages of the internet websites like '10 ways to control your partner and still have a relationship."

When he is already showing you his true colours and you stay, guess what he'll think of you sister. If you like/love him so much that you are willing to lose your sense of self-respect and dignity, (two very foreign concepts to you?) then is such a person worth loving in the first place.

The very fact that he keeps it in the extra folder could only mean you are a subsitute for the moment.

Someone who really likes you thinks about you all the time.

And all those talk about letting him have his freedom and not controlling him comes out from 80's aunty magazines. A lot of female editors are usually spinsters, being deprived, try to create messy affairs, and have very little understanding of male psychology, not that yours truly is one but you need to have a strong understanding of your partner for the relationship to work.

He has changed at least 4 bfs but whenever he sees me, he knows who he really wants. By the way, on his own accord, bf No.5 has been persuaded not to appear in front of him and me, making us felt very awkward the last time he did so bimbotically.

[Man40s]

We are lover for 12 years and we are not into a "open relationship."

Both of us are using Iphone, we have Grindr and Jake'd applications on the phone.

There is nothing wrong about it as long we knows what we wants.

We welcome new friends and chats.

Thus, it is how you trust him and have confidence in yourself.

If he wants to "play around," he don't need Grindr.

Cheers!

[ahming_87]

wow.. 12 years.. that's so sweet..

my standpoint is.. grindr does no good to a rs.. why is it that we still use grindr in a rs? I don wan to control him.. but if he really wants to make new friends, surely there other way around right ? He did mention to me that he has no aj friends and need someone who with the same frequency to talk to, (maybe regarding our rs?)

Firstly im really greatly for all of it. THANK YOU. I believe that trust needs to be earned... i cant say I just trust my bf just like that right? but, i will try to control my emotions too.. I tink partly im at fault too.. for not trusting him.. I donno.. im like in a dilemma.

We are lover for 12 years and we are not into a "open relationship."

Both of us are using Iphone, we have Grindr and Jake'd applications on the phone.

There is nothing wrong about it as long we knows what we wants.

We welcome new friends and chats.

Thus, it is how you trust him and have confidence in yourself.

If he wants to "play around," he don't need Grindr.

Cheers!

[waterballoon]

wow.. 12 years.. that's so sweet..

my standpoint is.. grindr does no good to a rs.. why is it that we still use grindr in a rs? I don wan to control him.. but if he really wants to make new friends, surely there other way around right ? He did mention to me that he has no aj friends and need someone who with the same frequency to talk to, (maybe regarding our rs?)

Firstly im really greatly for all of it. THANK YOU. I believe that trust needs to be earned... i cant say I just trust my bf just like that right? but, i will try to control my emotions too.. I tink partly im at fault too.. for not trusting him.. I donno.. im like in a dilemma.

well, if ur bf wants to cheat, u can even give him a shitty NOKIA phone and he will still find his way. the more u try to restrict him, the worse he would feel about the relationship, and a higher tendency for him to actually really cheat.

when u make a friend in school, do u expect ur friend to just stick with u and not make other friends? What makes being in the gay community any different?

At the very least, just think of this: on Grindr, he can't really do anything physical... yet so u still have time to keep things in check

[thorzguy]

ahming_87,

A relationship isn't simply about 2 persons being together. It's about, appreciation, commitment, communication, mutual understanding and trust. When all these are in checks, then you both are able to enjoy a good relationship together.

My partner changed to iPhone last year. I am the one who urged him to download Grindr (his circle of AJ friends are limited, and i am perfectly fine with him knowing more AJ friends via Grindr). He insisted not to download. As for me, i swim regularly (public pools) and he also understand that these pools can be cruisy yet urges me to continue swimming at those pools. (he knows i love swimming). Again it goes back to the few pointers (if not more) i mentioned earlier.

Think through when you are emotionally stable. Remember: Anger is just one alphabet short of Danger. You do not want to do anything that leaves you regretting....

All the best!

[ahming_87]

hey thorzguy,

yur comment really wakes me up. I think i should trust him fully. As some forum-ers have mentioned, if he really wants to cheat on me, he will do it no matter how.. it's not just abt using grindr.. trevvy... all these things... maybe I should look in another way, such platform can be used to improve a rs? maybe right ?

hmms, i think to show that i really trust him, i should "help" him download grindr? and tell him that, I should have trusted you. would that be better?

ahming_87,

A relationship isn't simply about 2 persons being together. It's about, appreciation, commitment, communication, mutual understanding and trust. When all these are in checks, then you both are able to enjoy a good relationship together.

My partner changed to iPhone last year. I am the one who urged him to download Grindr (his circle of AJ friends are limited, and i am perfectly fine with him knowing more AJ friends via Grindr). He insisted not to download. As for me, i swim regularly (public pools) and he also understand that these pools can be cruisy yet urges me to continue swimming at those pools. (he knows i love swimming). Again it goes back to the few pointers (if not more) i mentioned earlier.

Think through when you are emotionally stable. Remember: Anger is just one alphabet short of Danger. You do not want to do anything that leaves you regretting....

All the best!

[Guest Another Point of View]

Wow, a lot of diverse points of view.

My answer would be do what best nurtures you and supports you in your own growth. I feel this is an amazing opportunity for you to grow and learn more about yourself. Sometimes it's not pretty examining ourselves; however, you always come out with a renewed sense of who you are.

I also believe, as we mature we continually re-evaluate and reintegrate new ideas and points of view so that we may lead a happier life. Whatever your decision today might be may not be the same at a later date. Everything is negotiable, evolving and changing. Maybe you need to spend some time nurturing and loving yourself.

What you need to decide is what is acceptable for you today and what can't you live with. If it is a "deal breaker" then cut your losses and move on. I am confident you can find that special someone but before they come along.

[Guest Cw30]

It is just a 3 month relationship for god sake and u r in ur panic mode..

Live as per normal, hang out with ur or his frds. Enjoy the private time with him while both of u are still together at the moment.

And yes u should install grindr right in front of him and tell him u regret to control his life

[northernboi]

i wonder guys, i heard plenty of stories of my friend's relationship which turned sour because they found out their partner is cheating on them. My real question is, how much is too much?

does ogling at guys considers cheating?

does having feelings for someone else considers cheating?

does fantisizing on someone who's your type when you're *ahem* considers cheating?

so, what is too much?

and how far can you go to save your relationship?

for me, cheating on guys fully means; u have sexual intercourse non-other than your own boyfriends.

i guess, not all gays, but there's a certain high percentage of plu's out there, do cheat their partners somehow or another.

the big question is.... WHY?

thrill? excitement? fling?

I know that even for myself, i know some friends who indeed had secret sexual relationships with other people other than their own bf. he shared with me that; his bf is hot and cute etc etc.. but.. he has his own fantasy... he dun wan to get bored of the same person again and again. and again.. thats his comments.. not mine.

i know a few too.. couples.. either party caught one another... and start to make their relationship open! means... they can have sex with anyone else they pleasure... but.. end of the day.. their emotions still remains...

i don't know how this works... but it seems complicated...

now i am thinking back.. whether i regret choosing this complicated path or not...

[Guest Confused]

I'm confused . I found out my boyfriend just cheated on me. I don't wanna break up with him, and I feel like having a talk with him . Anyone here faced the same problem before ? And how did you resolve it ? Thanks a lot

[kh87]

You should. Communication is the most important in the relationship.

I always confront my bf but none of the single time he admitted.

:twisted: :twisted: :twisted: Until i am bored and have fun out side too. (for reference only, not advisable)

[Guest Happylark]

eh cheating is a very loose and ambiguous term leh. can spare more details on how he cheated?

if he slept with someone else, i think you can forget abt it la. i honestly believe that if someone loves you wholesomely, that person wouldnt sleep with someone else and put his partner at a possible risk of STDs. besides, if he loves you so, why does he need to sleep with someone else? satisfy the urge ah? then the sex really matters more than his love for you then. if not, the hands would do just as fine.

if he merely talks to someone else, maybe it was just a friendly chat. if it's flirts with loads of suggestive innuendos, then you better have some reservations.

talk to him, dont need to get confrontational though i think it's normally easy to preach than execute. ask him what he did, why he did it. observe him while he's explaining. generally if someone's lying, his eyes get shiftry, especially towards his right. i personally would ask who he did it with as well; if it's a friend of mine, then all the more i would forget abt him as he had trepassed the boundaries.

[Guest Same here]

I asked and he confessed and at that time i liked him too much to let him go. So i accepted it and he said wont do it again.

But ya he did it again. And this time he was the one to break up with me.

It left me feel stupid and a loser. (not right, not wrong. Just how i felt)

So, just break up. If he loves u, in the future he will go after you.

But must warn you, the first feel months after break up it feels like hell. You miss him, want to call, want to sms. Even a song you used to listen to when u were with him, now that same song can make u cry cos it reminds u of the past.

It took me 6 months to get over it. And i'm proud that i did.

Good luck. Just break up with him. Hugz..

[Avecinfuser]

I tend to agree. If the person is in love with you body, heart and mind, then there is really no need for him to stray. If he cheats and carelessly let you find out, then it also shows how much he respects you. I mean if I love you very much and if I were to cheat, the decent and least thing I can do is not let you know. Or happens if you really can't let go, then you should look at yourself and wonder what is wrong with you to make him want to look to others for sex. I guess then you'll have to reflect and change if you still want to salvage the situation. But in the famous words of Lady Gaga and Beyonce....

Beyoncé: You know, Gaga, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it's broke...

Gaga: But you can still see the crack in that motherfxxker's reflection.

[Mature]

I find tat no matter how much you question him, u will never know the truth. To forgive and be with him or to let go, you ve to decide for yourself. Come wat may, life has to go on. May he learned the lesson and treasure u more if you choose to be with him again.

[snowball]

this is not just yes or no, black & white. when you think or found out that he is " cheated ", take a deep breath,

do not alarm, try to figure out any wrong between both of you first, " why " he want to do that behind you. cos

sometimes is not just a person fault, if he do not have any past history, communication is important indeed, but

it works only both willing to open. anger won't help to improve relationship, good luck & all the best.

[Guest Confused]

Thanks guys. He was planning to sleep w someone else . And I caught him red handed . He now said he wants to leave me eventhough I said I wanna have a talk with him .

[snowball]

you can't make him change if he don't want to, love need both hands to clap,

i know that losing a love one is hard to accept & is painful,

sometime you just have to hold your head up high, blink away the tears and say good-bye,

soon you will realized that you are gonna be all right even without him.

Edited June 8, 2011 by snowball

[doncoin]

Thanks guys. He was planning to sleep w someone else . And I caught him red handed . He now said he wants to leave me eventhough I said I wanna have a talk with him .

Let him leave. It will be better for you in the long term. At least you never have to deal with all the negative thoughts and doubts about his fidelity ever. If you 2 get back together, you will always wonder at the back of your head.