Forbidden Attractions - Larry's Life Story

[Zackling]

Zack bro, so jealous, how nice to have big sister giving good advice.

 

@ Her fan too.. i knew Larry aka miss koh way back....

[Guest JJ]

Can i ask whether the love story with kong is a real life experience?

 

Im kinda touched by the story. It was kinda resembling one that i had with my ex.

[Guest JJ]

i tried searching the death of Kong from the internet, "the straits time" copy of 27 July 1987 and noted nothing regarding the army incident.  hence, i think this is not real life story.  anyway good job, Larry !!

[Guest Ling]

i tried searching the death of Kong from the internet, "the straits time" copy of 27 July 1987 and noted nothing regarding the army incident.  hence, i think this is not real life story.  anyway good job, Larry !!

 

Hi, this is Ling, Larry wrote about me in this story & this is my second time appears in this forum. On behalf of my good friend, here is my reply directing at JJ.

My first question is did you check the Chinese paper too?

 

I have my reason to ask this. My hubby was involved in a 14-car collision. It was reported on Sunday 8^th June Chinese paper page # 08, here I request you to help locate this news on Strait Times so that I can show the report to my Caucasian hubby.

 

Otherwise, don’t simply jump the gun & made such unfounded conclusion.

 

No one can guarantee all news will be reported, especially news concerning fatal military incidents, this was particularly true in the 70s & 80s.

 

In cyber world, there’re people trying to outsmart, find fault & to discredit, and you’re nothing better, your note did hurt her. Come on; don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

[Guest 河仙姑]

玲大姐, 那您这么神通广大,您就挖出来给咱瞧个究竟啊! 何必怪jj妹子。

[Guest JJ]

Hi Ling, can show me the chinese newspapers? No, im not here to discredit Larry.  Seriously, i like what she wrote.  I just hope its real-life based. It was so romantic.

[Guest JJ]

河仙姑, harlow. im not mei mei la....im didi...

BTW, to emphasize, im not here to discredit larry. i really like her life story a LOT.

i wonder how handsome Kong was. and how Larry looks like...

[Larry]

Dear readers,

 

I'm having problem on my Window 2010 & thus delaying the publication of the new installment. I will visit Lenovo Service Centre to get my laptop fix. My sincere apology. 

 

 

Next, I'm here to reply to JJ, 

 

Dear JJ,

 

Having a little intrusive was fine, being a little suspicion was fine, but as already explained by Ling my big sister, not necessary all things must be reported on Strait Times, just like the 14-car collision her hubby getting involved was reported on Chinese paper but not on Strait Times.

 

I have no intention nor the energy to dig out the Chinese paper on that sad incident per your request. 

  

My story don’t have to be on everyone’s “approved” list, of course it's normal to want people to like my story, but this desire can become a self-imposed burden,

 

From day one I picked up that keyboard to craft this story, I'm taking risks, as every chapter, every new installment or every small detail would be scrutinized, criticized or worst crucified.

 

To play safe is not to write, nevertheless that's not my cup of tea. Regardless of the opinions of others, I'm proud of what I'd written, whether they respond positively or not. 

 

Hopefully you are not here to made yourself superior by showing how small someone else is.

 

Regards,

Edited June 15, 2014 by Larry

[Guest JJ]

Hi Larry,

 

Defintely not.  It makes me having the desire to meet you in person even more..

You are really different....JIA YOU !!

[Zackling]

To JJ

 

I am a so call ardent fan of Larry, I have been silent all these while too.. i have gone thru many ups & downs. I married a transgender.. so what, that's my life, do I have to go around the world to tell people i did it differently in my life..?? No.. so why don't you just keep quiet & enjoy reading on. Stop hurting my friend Larry & rubbing salt on her old wound. It is her freedom of speech to write what she wants in this forum & does not have to be approved by you & please stop acting like a PAP paparazzi..

[Larry]

Just got back my laptop, a short one here. Sorry.

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn

Chapter 15: Zero-Sum Game: He Used His Love to Teach Me, Guide Me

 

I went for a late lunch together with Fatimah. I phoned her & she told not to wait for her initially, but I insisted. She was busy, preparing the termination letter as instructed by Shawn; calculated the severance pay on salary in lieu of notice, outstanding leave & etc., and then to inform Accounts & get the cheque prepared.

 

She finally came to my room. Putting aside the newspaper that I was browsing during waiting, I took the purse & a packet of tissue from my handbag & heading off to the canteen together with her.

 

Down & out from the lift, I linked her arm for the very first time as we walked along the long corridor towards the canteen. She looked at me, apparently astonished by this skin to skin but didn’t pull out her arm, “What are you doing?” she asked.

 

“Please,” I murmured, “I feel secure clinging to your arm, I fear that at any moment our boss’s cousin will lay an ambush upon us,”

 

“Hey, relax, he probably still at boss room, silly girl,” 

 

I blushed & smiled shyly, it was great that she regarded me of the same sex; on second thought I felt sinful while linking her arm, caused in Islam contact with opposite sex is forbidden with exception of small children & direct next of kin.

 

It was way past the peak lunch hours & we found easily an empty table which tucked in a quiet corner. In the same routine, I occupied the seats while Fatimah went ahead to buy her food. While waiting for her return, I noticed a group of shipping worker sitting nearby. Apparently many of them had finished their meals & they were talking & laughing quite loudly while consuming their drinks.

 

In dialect, I froze while overheard part of their conversation, that both Fatimah & myself had been targeted.

 

“小心那个马來婆, 整天在老板前面打针,” (Watch up that Malay woman, discredit us to the boss all times)

 

”还有那个Miss Koh, 哎, 老板夹在两个女人中间, 慘了我们,” (And that Miss Koh too, gosh, we're in deep shit as boss sandwich by two women)

 

“怕什么, 我们的头是老板的cousin,” (Not to worry, our head is boss's cousin)

 

I was disturbed & regarded these critics as ignorant & prejudiced, that Shawn the boss would side me & Fatimah because of our sexuality though mine was a falsified one. My pride was also wounded that they deemed us for lack of impartiality & just out to condemn opponents.

 

Just as I was about to walk over to challenge them, Fatimah came back with her food. I relayed the whole incident & wanting to go over & reveal their about to-be-fired head.

 

“No,” she reminded me the news black-out imposed by Shawn, “just go get your food, no trouble please,” she then put her head down & continued to eat her food.

 

Anger & anxiety took a dent on my appetite that I finished only one third of the meal. Linking her arm one more time we went back to the office, and I was still cross with Fatimah, “Why did you let them get away? “ I asked.

 

“Steady, let them talk,” she answered coolly, “why confront them, just wait & see when they know their head is no longer around,”

 

Yes, what’s a true blue HR professional, hatted off to her & I had more to learn from her.

 

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to be continued......

Edited June 1, 2015 by Larry

[Armyboy90]

姐姐，加油!I first came across your story 2 years ago when I was still in NS, I took 3 nights to finish your posts. It made me teared quite alot too, I admire your love for Kong. I firmly believe that you are penning your real life story , wish I was as strong as u.

Cheers!

[Guest JJ]

To Zackling,

 

"To JJ

 

I am a so call ardent fan of Larry, I have been silent all these while too.. i have gone thru many ups & downs. I married a transgender.. so what, that's my life, do I have to go around the world to tell people i did it differently in my life..?? No.. so why don't you just keep quiet & enjoy reading on. Stop hurting my friend Larry & rubbing salt on her old wound. It is her freedom of speech to write what she wants in this forum & does not have to be approved by you & please stop acting like a PAP paparazzi.."

 

Point 1:

"I am a so call ardent fan of Larry, I have been silent all these while too.. i have gone thru many ups & downs. I married a transgender.. so what, that's my life, do I have to go around the world to tell people i did it differently in my life..?? No.. so why don't you just keep quiet & enjoy reading on"

 

Firstly, Larry has the choice of not answering my question. My only mistake is to ask it publicly, instead of texting her a private message. Everyone has ups and downs, whether or not he or she is a transgender.  I asked questions because i found her story interesting and i kept reading til the latest posts.  If she prefers no questions to be raised, she would have asked moderator to lock to options to reply.  I strongly believe that if Larry has the courage to write her life online, she has already prepared herself emotionally. 

 

Point 2:

"Stop hurting my friend Larry & rubbing salt on her old wound"

 

I am not here to hurt her nor to discredit her. 

 

Point 3:

"It is her freedom of speech to write what she wants in this forum & does not have to be approved by you & please stop acting like a PAP paparazzi.."

 

Of cause it is her freedom of speech, did i ever stop her from writing? Am i asking her to get my approvals for what she is writing?

And please, why do you need to relate it to PAP paprazzi? I have already apologised to her on doubting the authenticity of the story.

Anyone who raises any questions, might only want to get clarifications, not to downgrade or discredit anyone.

 

Thanks. No more posting from me. 

Keep it up, Larry !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Larry]

JJ, I accept your explanation, honestly. And as for Zack, I thanked you for defending me. The only thing that you two can do for me is please stay cordial.

Time passed by, I found new faces coming & some old friends remain stay put. I am not worried about bad comments (so long it is not personal attack) & listen only to favourable remarks, what I lust is that there is someone still wants to read my story.

Regards,


C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 15: Zero-Sum Game: He Used His Love to Teach Me, Guide Me

Although it was Shawn’s instruction to have the meeting, I did agree that evading the issue was undesirable & decided to work on changing the situation. It would be called one hour before knock off. Excluding Chong & Susan, I sent out the directive to all remaining staff (7 nos.), and kept Shawn & Fatimah posted. The deliberate late timing was to allow them time to consume the supposedly fast spreading news & do some soul searching.

While waiting for the meeting to be called, I frowned in my room hesitating should I or not to take the hardball approach. As I was lost on my thought; Shawn came & asked if I would like him to come along, he was worried that I might not be able to handle the group of hard stud.

“But are you ready?” he asked soon after I declined his offer but instead asking him to let me handle the meeting myself.

“Boss, I’m more worried about your cousin, he seemed rather cocky,”

“Don’t worry, I already warned him to leave quietly, unless he wants to get calling back to Indonesia, if I report his poor performance to uncle his father,”

Reverting to his earlier question of readiness, he dwelled on the tactic for the next good half an hour, centered on poise, preparedness, good executive presence & fluster least when challenge. He also added that vitally to stay compose before entering the conference room, taking deep breath before firing the first word & talk slowly never lets them see any nervousness.

To equip me with the necessary ammunition, we spend extra time to think about questions they might have, and prepared well thought-out responses. “Be calm, collected, and you with all the answers will be seen as a winner,” reiterating his advices, I nodded in agreement.

It was a fruitful discussion, what’s a boss, superior & friend, his good intention of wanting me to handle the meeting trouble free & efficiently was deeply appreciated.

I firmed up my strategy eventually, first to factually describe the gap between what their did & what Shawn would expect to see, next was to share the consequences, that their annual appraisals & salary increments would be tied to their accomplishment on MBO, no nepotism or favoritism involved. Of course, I was prepared to talk openly about the dismissal, if they asked.

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The atmosphere was dead solemn when I stepped into the conference room. Looking at the silent lot, my heart was in my mouth, standing & rubbing my knuckles, I sighed… worried about any awful consequences, yelling, screaming or even physical violence.

It was left entirely for me, no one was rushing me. Firing the first salvo, I took a deep breath & spoke slowly, “You are wasting your time & my time so needlessly, the MBO exercise had been most unsatisfactory,”

Thomas, the buyer asked with a fierce look, didn’t hide his contempt for me, "What do you mean by unsatisfactory?"

"Unsatisfactory means someone was fired, okay?" I asked while staring at him, "you think you can fool the boss with your sub-standard work?" I finished my reply & could not stop myself from panting with the aggressive effort.

At the end of my words he seemed back away from his provoking behaviour as he looked down & twitched nervously at his collar. I inched towards the chair & sat down, yet without taking my eyes off him.

“If you cannot comply, plan your exit & go somewhere else, to a laisser-faire work environment,” I added sternly, saying the company cannot go back to the days where no measurement on individual performance.

“Sorry, Miss Koh,” said Thomas, who was taken somewhat aback, with a feeble smile.

"Well," I said, I was now much calmer, knowing perfectly that I was the only one who had retained any composure, “I valued your works, but I needed you to complete the assignment in a professional manner, and not cause tension.”

It was my first major assignment, a tough one indeed. Anyway I scheduled them to meet me individually & with one-on-one coaching managed to get all revised reasonably.

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During the first bi-monthly review, unfortunately I found that three of them weren’t do anything at all, completely laid down their set goals showing a ‘can’t be bother’ attitude, which bought me little encouragement & comfort. I was fuming mad, they were given chance once, and enough was enough.

I told Shawn about this & he told me just couldn’t let rest this matter, “Silence is a hurtful strategy,” he said, “it conveys two dangerous messages, first is for the three idiots: you are hopeless, just wait to be fired. And second one is for the rest: see, nothing happens, maybe we shan’t take this MBO too seriously,”

 

“Problem will not be resolved & likely get worse, leading to a total failure of the whole MBO, making it an utter mockery,” he added.

I met them privately, making it clear that their nonchalant behavior was unacceptable, reiterating the statement of “I’m your manager; do not take my patience as softness, you either shape up or ship out,” that they would face severe consequences; I might need to take action if the situation remained un-change.

 

Despite my pet talk, one of three non-performers was asked to tender his resignation eventually. It was sad to see this happened, included Shawn’s cousin, there were two causalities. Throughout this episode, I learnt something important, that is regardless it is a new policies, new procedures or even new methods inclusive of new machinery, it requires people to be open-minded.

The MBO is about driving people working towards a set of self-set goal to make efficient the organization. It was a long & winding road of misery as I stuck working with people that were closed-minded, creating obstacles so that their inefficiencies were never exposed.

Billed as the 'Survival of the Fittest', yeah the famous phrase by Charles Darwin, this MBO exercise was certainly lived up to the hype. Ten of my direct staff took part & eight survived.

Did Shawn advices / guidance pay off? I'm not going to say. I negotiated this exercise with sleepless nights but managed to clear all hurdles, so I guess his time with me was well spent.

Note: Six months later, there’re remarkable improvements, far more effective than there used to be, examples such as reduction on overtime works, improvement on on-time delivery & etc. Of course, some of this improvement did affect the take home pay for some & they’re unhappy, but that simply beyond my control.

------------------------- End of Chapter 15 ---------------------

Edited June 24, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Well, the encounter on the dismissal of Shawn cousin was unpleasant, it was my first experience. I was prepared to put this behind my mind & focused on the scheduled one-on-one coaching, but the aftermaths traumatized me & I had a difficult time to get over it.

 

One of aftermaths was the self-imposed phobia. As a result, consecutively I had the same dream for almost a week, a bad one indeed that involved Shawn cousin attacking me.

 

It all started like this… I was walking in a dark back lane which was creepy with pools of water here & there. Somehow I got lost unable to reach the main road. I heard voice shouting from behind, “Hey you bitch, stop walking, give back my job,” I turned around & found Shawn cousin, his size becoming bigger & bigger as he walked towards me. 

 

I panicked & was too weak to scream; I started running & ended up in a dead end seeing him getting nearer & nearer. Then, suddenly I found a door & entered, I fell & sliding down on a dark tunnel. Then I saw Shawn at the dark end, I ran onto his broad chest & cried loudly, “Shawn, help, so scary…”

 

I woke up & still sobbing… it was weird, why was Shawn came to the rescue?

 

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Another aftermath was the bad-mouth came from the people out there, in particular staff from the Security & Shipping section which had been headed by Shawn cousin.

 

The following morning immediately after the morning meeting, I headed towards shipping bay to look for the leader; my intention was to check with him if there was anything not in place, to ask him come for the morning meeting & also to ask him help overseeing the security section. While walking along roll of palletised outgoing goods towards its office, I heard at once that someone was talking at the opposite side, "最毒女人心, 新来的就拿我们的头开刀,”and then came a gruffly reply, “Motherfucker, be careful, she may break our rice bowl,”

 

It seemed very still at that moment, the conversation was dreadfully hurting, I knew they were talking about me, they disliked me, they thought that I were the one caused their head losing his job & I would break their too if they were to disobey me.

 

I walked hastily; I had not the courage to confront them.

 

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to be continued......

Edited June 30, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

Sorry, 'm busy so just a very short one. :oops: :oops:  :oops:  

 

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Well, despite being newest & youngest, I got the job, all because that I knew Shawn. I was thankful to him, feeling lucky that a lot of people might never experience or taste any part of this parachuting from outside the existing hierarchy. The company was undergoing changes to have MBO, and Shawn wanted me to lead the operation through these changes, but ever since the dismissal of Shawn cousin, many were rumour mongering that I had a hand on the dismissal.

 

It was frustrating to lead a team that didn’t trust me. As their manager, talking bad behind me was inappropriate; I nevertheless tolerated & pretended nothing was happening.

 

I did soon complain to Shawn & gave him an idea of the people under my control. And as we talked about the MBO trouble, we got this conclusion, that some of the staff had been in the company since its inception & were accustomed & tied to the old way of doing things, in other words, they hated change.

 

He said to me, "Just don’t quit no matter what. How about do something to change their impression of you?”

 

What do something, what’s that, I looked at him blankly while he continued, “If you don’t have one… find one.”

 

“You sure I can find one…?” I asked.

 

“Jennifer, nothing is impossible…” he told reassuringly & started reciting the motivational motto - 吃得苦中苦, 方为人上人 (No pains, no gains) that placed on his desk. 

 

For the next two days, beside morning meeting, lunch & the scheduled one-on-one coaching, I stranded in my room, examining whatever options came into my mind, company outing… free lunch pack for all workers… etc. etc., I struggled but failed, I needed desperately to come out something effective that would give me good reason to govern, to carry on.

 

Lost & confused, I felt extremely lonely; I got no one I could talk to. People were new to me & didn’t have faith in me, my lunch mate Fatimah knew nothing about production & as for Shawn; I didn’t wish to approach him again that would make him think I couldn’t handle this.

 

Believe me; the feeling of being alone was scary; equivalent to the loneliness I was so acquainted long ago during my growing up in an emotionally & verbally abusive household. So on the second evening, I succumbed finally & talked to big sister Ling. Her advice really woke me up, “you don’t need to do this all by yourself, talk to your staff & get some ideas,”

 

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to be continued......

Edited July 7, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

Another short one, so sorry :oops:

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Someone was knocking the door, “Miss Koh…”

 

I looked up, yeah; standing at the door step self-consciously was Chong, our production supervisor, who came for a one-on-one discussion. Just liked Shawn (but not privately), he remained the only one formally addressed me as Miss Koh instead of Jennifer. 

 

After much deliberation with Ling that evening, I’d decided to do something useful & prominent for the production, people could see & appreciate, and hopefully changing their impression on me eventually. Chong fitted well on my plan, where I could tap on his years of production experience, and I trusted his decency.

 

“How are you today? I’d waited for almost one & a half hours,” I replied by asking my first question. He replied that he was busy preparing a mock-up for a new model & apologized for the lateness. There were some differences between difference models, and none of the workers, including his line leader, he added, knew about the differences.

 

It was an open & substantive discussion, as I posed him a few more questions, such as ‘What would help you do your job better?’, ‘What improvements you wish to see?’ & etc.

 

He described how much the work he & his leader had to do, including making prototypes, jigs & fixtures (see note) for new products, what long hours they had to work on ensuring product conform to spec & how the workers didn't understand what the work requirements were. I appreciated his elaboration & concluded his problem was due to non-existance of documented work instructions, and shortfall of jigs & fixtures.

 

I realized these were not easy to tackle, and the findings also led to one hidden threat, a serious one indeed, i.e. too much reliant on Chong & his leader. They spent most of the time attending these daily chaos would mean they neglected product quality & productivity improvement. And the potential threat was that they became indispensable, detrimental if anyone quitted or tried to play punk.

 

At the end of discussion, I told Shawn the plan of improvement would be worked out shortly, and I assured him all his complaints would be looked into.

 

Note: Some operations are such that the tool (drill, punch, electric screwdriver & etc.) is required to be guided by a device which is known as jig and also some jobs are of such forms which are required to be held in position by a device which is called fixture. Jigs & fixtures are special purpose tool which makes possible more rapid & accurate manufacturing at a reduction of cost.

 

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There was no room to retreat, after the one-on-one discussion with Chong. As their new manager, my staff would pay close attention to how I behaved, especially who I spent time with & what I said or didn’t say.

 

Well, the first wave of improvement was on all existing jigs & fixtures. I engaged a tool & die maker to help brain storm ideas for improvement. Reducing the tooling inventory, the primary criteria was to universalize the designs, adjustable that could be used for a few jobs, as well as improving speed & dimensional, and avoided downtime on misplaced jigs & fixtures. Of course they must not be costly, below S$500 per job; otherwise I needed to get Shawn approval.

 

Before finalizing the designs, prototypes were shown to the concerned workers, line leader & Chong, such that they could be rationally debated. This extreme vigilance, particularly early on, encouraged subordinates to make constructive comments & took ownership, instead of making snide remarks & ridiculed the design later on.

 

I apologized to the tool vendor for the cautious step I took, but he understood as he mentioned, “No matter how good the design we claimed, the workers acknowledgement is necessary.”

 

He said it right, the workers acknowledgement was necessary, but subconsciously I felt that Shawn acknowledgement was equally vital.

 

There was no interfering from him so far, I knew he was watching from the side, and I sincerely hoped that the type of work I was doing was the type of work he wanted to see.

 

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to be continued......

Edited July 23, 2014 by Larry

[Guest fan]

I simply love this story. thanks larry.

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

The improvements on jigs & fixtures were by no means extraordinary or big deal, just small changes instead of radical changes, and some came from workers who did the jobs. Guided by Shawn & with explicit mandate to make changes, I followed up on all suggestions & remarked on all successes by mentioning people who contributed at the daily morning meetings, as this could help spread the word that their manager was an ‘open’ person encouraging new ideas.

 

The first 'big' breakthrough was the purchase of an auto shrink film wrapping machine which came three months later; a result from an incident about boxes of finished goods toppled over onto the road during delivery, fortunately no car behind & human casualty were caused.

 

I rushed down to shipping bay after getting phone call from Chong, to wait for the return as Chong had instructed to abort delivery. Waiting there too were Chong, his leader & the deaf-and-dumb packer who looked worry & apologetic.

 

Surveying the mess, the answer was staring at us right in our faces, i.e. film wrapping around the boxes was loosened, likely caused by jolts or bumpy road condition. While the group including one QC busily handling the mess, I took a walk to the warehouse. Pushing the upper boxes I verified a few pallets & found some loads seemed loose too, there were ripples on the shrink film & the stack wobbled, indicating that the wrap wasn’t tight or it needed more layers.

 

Back to the scene, I watched how the shrink wrapping worked by going around the boxes from the top down to the pallet, I realized it wasn’t easy, fatiguing, physical draining & might cause giddiness.

 

Throughout people cursed, swore, pointing middle finger & displayed offensive hand gesture at the packer. Responding the packer hissed loudly, his hand signs were impatient, quick & forceful. I couldn’t understand his hand signs; he looked mistreated & sensed his anger.

 

I asked Chong to subdue the commotion before getting out of hand. I believed he could handle the packer as he had attended the hand sign class seconded by the company. Also I asked him to screen through all loads in the warehouse to ensure no further mishap.

 

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After discussion with Shawn, I instructed Chong to add one more worker permanently for the job; hopefully it could eliminate the failure. Also to safeguard against accidents, the QC supervisor was told to have additional shrink wrap check prior to warehouse storage. Of course, she was not too happy, "additional work load," as she commented.

 

It was such an inconvenience to employ deaf-and-dumb people, and in one of the lunch date with Fatimah, I spoke my mind. “Jennifer, it is not a good idea to object, this is boss pet project,” said Fatimah, and she was tasked to work with the Singapore Association for the Deaf for more suitable candidates, “boss said that we should give this unfortunate people a chance to make a living,” she added.

 

I could see that Shawn was consumed by a desire to help the unfortunate. Not only did he show great interest in helping deaf-and-dumbs, whenever walking with him on the shop floor, he always spoke kindly to an old lady whose face deformed & spoke with difficulty, attracting the mockery of many people.

 

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As department heads we needed to read journeys subscribed by the company, signed off the attached attention slip before passing over to the next unsigned person or returned to HR (Note: Years later as operation director in a MNC, I did the same; I found making available relevant journeys was keyed to encouraging supporting staff on skill upgrading.).

 

I usually skipped reading articles on capital intensive equipment as I had limited purchasing authorization. But while browsing the latest manufacturing journal, this article on automatic shrink wrap machine simply caught my eye balls, about how a palletized freight is to be positioned on a platform which rotates horizontally, and then shrink film is applied over & around the freight by a film dispenser which moves vertically.

 

What really attracted my attention were the advantages stated on the article, the advantages were that the wrapping is stretched & tight, thus stabilizing the loads, helping lower business cost associated with product safety plus delivery integrity (no more toppling), less manpower (from 2 back to 1) & lesser film used. 

 

I was pleasantly excited when the young & handsome sales engineer of its local distributor gave me a live demo; unlike the usual sales persons he was helpful in understanding my needs. In the end, the machine fully met my expectation. It was a sheer fluke shot; I didn’t look for it at all.

 

Working hard for the sale & continued to surprise me, he threw in extras to sweeten the deal, a 10% discount & one-day training at his office. And at the end of the demo, he stated his intention, “Miss Koh, this is going to be the first sales for the machine here in Singapore & for me too, it would be great if…”

 

I made a muddled reply, “I need to check with my boss… yes, I’ll try,”

 

Back to the company I brought my first purchase requisition (for items above $500) to Shawn, I was surprised that he didn't spend much time asking questions & approved instantly.

 

I floundered about, not knowing why it seems so easy to get to his yes… I was getting the romantic vibe, yet he knew I was not attracted to him, my stony hearted versus his infatuation, but he was not giving up… I left his room with a mix of feeling...

 

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to be continued......

Edited August 11, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

Sorry for the much delay, still nursing the pain from a surgery.

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

On my previous instalment, I wrote about inconvenience interacting with deaf-and-dumb employees, and one of the reasons was their temperamental behavior. Amongst them, the packer was the worst, his bad temper constantly created problems for Chong & fellow workers. It was vexatious to deal with them, although I tried to be sensitive that their bad temper was probably due to society prejudice shown against them. As their manager, I afraid I was beginning to lose my patience with them, though I knew jolly well that Shawn would be displease.

 

So when Chong came to tell me that the deaf-and-dumb packer didn’t want to go for the machine training, I was furious. How could he who would operate the machine say no? The shrink film wrapping machine would vastly improve productivity & quality, and he could take pride in new skill & knowledge. Damned it…

 

During lunch I told Fatimah that I would ask his new assistant to go instead, her reply was rather blunts, “Girl, you’re being too soft,”

 

“But what can I do?” I asked.

 

She asked me to be assertive about my decision, and fire the packer if he still refuses, “his action is tantamount to insubordination, for this boss & I will support you. They must understand you’re the decision-maker & will face severe consequences if they do not change their behavior,” she added.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

Aligning the packer back to my original arrangement was tough.

 

After lunch I met the packer & Chong in my room, Chong was roped in to provide hand signs as necessary. Throughout the counselling, he stayed silent with a defiant countenance. No reaction, protest or something, he just staring at the row of files on top of the cabinet, ignoring my demands for answer & strong urgings from Chong.

 

Long moments passed & still he had not move, my eyes stared deeply into his, I fought to pierce the stubbornness appeared in his face, but failed. I looked to Chong, wondering now what should be done.

 

My rage rising to nearly strangle him & the warning in my voice was just as dark, “don’t force me…” but his contemptuous sneering agitated me, and in that action I had my answer. I glanced away & sadness filling me. I hated doing this as I picked up the phone receiver & asked Fatimah to prepare his termination letter.

 

When he finally understood that he was given the marching order, he shook his head violently, “Ah…” his odd sounding voice was uncontained as he faced me now, and his large, raw-boned face was expressive with fear, damn…不见棺材不落泪 (Shed no tears until seeing the coffin).

 

And then the most unimaginative thing happened, as Chong & I saw him standing on his knees & rubbing his two hands together asking for forgiveness. I was astonished… it drove me nut, it drove me crazy… There was silence, thick & heavy and when my eyes met his, the abject misery of his cloudy gaze, “stand up you idiot,” I shouted lowly. I stood up, walked out of the room hurriedly & closed the door behind me; I just hated it, what would staffs outside the room think if anyone see this, a sadist out to bully a deaf-and-dumb?

 

“Miss Koh…” Chong came out of the room & chased after me.

 

“What…?” I asked.

 

“Please forgive him… please, Miss Koh,” said Chong.

 

“Watch him well, Chong,” I said sternly while walking towards HR to look for Fatimah, “his job is now in his hands, if he fail to operate the machine after tomorrow training, and he will definitely be fired,”

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

“Let’s go to the packing section,” I told Chong & QC Supervisor immediately after the daily production meeting, with the intention of launching the new shrink wrap machine.

 

Both Chong & the packer went for machine training at supplier place yesterday while the machine installation was done simultaneously; such arrangement to my desire was to ensure no lapse of skill learnt when they returned from training. Shawn was present during the trial run & was happy with its performance. Like him I was pleased & greatly appreciated the effort & patience the young sales engineer, his boss & the technicians devoted to making sure our needs were met.

 

Standing at the new shrink wrapping machine, I inserted a key to the control panel. Looking at the packer who was busy working with his assistant, I talked to Chong, “tell him stop doing the manual wrapping, start using this machine,”

 

Chong called the packer to come to the machine but returned & said that the packer asked for help, but I dragged my heels, "no… he should be independent after the training," I said to Chong, "unless you tell me he fooled around during the training,"

 

"Miss Koh," said Chong, "I can guarantee he didn’t fool around,"

 

"Don't talk about that yet," I replied, "to see is to believe," having worked as their manager for over a month, I was accustomed to non sequitur conversations, but such slow action left me fuming, "the company bought this machine with one purpose, that is to go back to one-man operation," I added.

 

So our poor Chong carried messages back & forth.

 

The packer looked nervous, and his cheeks were red. Putting on a pair of glove, he jacked up one palletised good on the rotating table. The film dispenser rumbled but didn’t move when the packer pressed the start button. He pressed the button harder; nothing happened. I cursed & hissed angrily… damn it, how could he not know, measure the height, width & length & key in to the keyboard before hitting the button.

 

“Chong…” I asked & looked at Chong inquisitively.

 

Chong looked solemn than usual; obviously his guarantee was at stake… walking towards the machine he took out a measuring tape from its tool box, his face showing tension, stretching out the tape & pointed against the palletised good, he said very loudly, “measure… don’t tell me you’d forgotten,”

 

Hand raised, palm in & touched the forehead, presumably meant ‘sorry’, the packer received the tape & carried out the rest… okay, nobody's memory is perfect, after all, I thought. 

 

Chong did the countdown, length… enter… height… enter… width… enter, another command (press start). For the briefest instant, before there was any sound, the dispenser slid up, liked lightning came to alive.

 

A first pallet was eventually done, I asked the QC Supervisor to verify. After two more pallets were done, I told her to revise the shrink wrap audit from 100 % to one lot a day before walking the rest of the production floor & going back to my room.

 

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to be continued......

Edited September 15, 2014 by Larry

[Guest fan]

hope u recover soon from yr surgery, waiting for yr next posting.

[Larry]

hope u recover soon from yr surgery, waiting for yr next posting.

 

I’m okay. Just too much distraction, preparing for the Halloween, you know…

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn

Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

We got out of the canteen after our lunch & saw dark gloomy clouds covering the sky, “Quick, walk faster,” said Fatimah, holding my hand as we tripping down the canteen path. Soon, much to what as expected, there were rain & strong gusts of wind.

 

We didn’t take the lift up to 3rd floor office but instead walking towards ground level production floor. It was because during lunch the new shrink-wrapping machine was discussed, she wanted me to show her the machine, to understand it better so that she could report it in her monthly central district HR meeting.

 

To keep dry we walked closed to the wall while cold wind blowing at our backs; everything was blown forwards, my hair & skirt. Fatimah was in a less difficult situation, her shoulder length hair was tied back in ponytail & she was wearing a tight skirt. And for me I had to fight with my hair to keep it off my face so I could see. My dress was blasted against & between the backs of my legs, the front billowing & flapping like crazy, revealing my panties. One hand holding my hair, the other my skirt, desperately grabbing at the front of my skirt in an effort to pull it down, I felt very nervous as there were quite a few workers walking towards us.

 

At the glass door entering the production floor, with my back to the wind, I found that the handle was wet & slippery. I couldn’t open the door outwards against the strength of the wind, against the damn howling gale.

 

Then, thank goodness someone came from behind shielding me with his body, and the next thing was the overwhelming fruity scent rushing through my nose. He then said “Let’s me do it,” before taking over the handle & forcefully opened the door outwards, he was none other than our boss Shawn.

 

How nice it was to have a man around when came to such situation, I thanked him as I regained my composure quickly. Once inside the production floor, he excused himself quickly before we could speak, “you girls carry on, I have this medicated oil from Ipoh for ‘fei-so’ (fat aunty),”

 

We stood for a moment, smoothened up ourselves before proceeding. Looking at me she smiled lightly, “he is a good boss,”

 

“Yes, indeed,” I replied. We were proud of what he’d done, sourced & offered essential but non expensive medical stuff to those employees with minor ailments. These workers were grateful for what they had received so far, and the news spread to the rests, that their boss was there to help, by his simple & humble act of mercy & generosity.

 

Instead of lip-service of appreciation, pride in accomplishment & so forth, and / or spending time working out how to incentivize our workforce with financial rewards, the idea of such non-financial motivation proof effective, from the low resignation as a clear evident.

 

“Not only as a good boss, can he also be an excellent boyfriend,”

 

“What…y-y-you meant he’d found s-s-someone in the company?” I stammered… strangely there was a tinge of bitterness; it was very confusing to me.

 

“Jennifer, I’m talking about you, let be honest, some of us could see that boss dotes on you a lot,”

 

I was astonished to hear this, I shook my head in disbelieve, “How could it be? Absolutely nonsense…” yeah, it was fact that I’d put up walls to curb in Shawn’s enthusiasm, it was a deep dark secret between us, very personal & I believed he wouldn’t reveal to any of the company people too.

 

“Come on, Jennifer, as outsider I can see things much better,” she paused before continuation, “boss has such a soft mouth when he's speaking to you, don't you know? During meetings, during lunch breaks with us… there was softness in his eyes, and on the air there was hunger for love,”

 

“Nay… just your imagination,” I shook my head.

 

“Don’t believe… okay, you know boss would call me when he was out stationed,”

 

“Yeah, that’s normal; just to get posted for things unforeseen,”

 

“But for the very first time since you joined us, he asked about people not matter, he asked about you,”

 

“Well, because I was new,”

 

“Yeah right, but not for the second, third & the subsequent time… he would suddenly ask things about you, your work, your M.C., how well you’d recovered & so on,”

 

I was dumbfounded & had no idea how to respond, I pleaded with her with my eyes not to say any more. Seeing my predicament, she ended the conversation quickly, “Okay, okay, I won’t push you, just a last word, you have to know what kind of love you deserve, he is a good guy, grab him & don't be shy.”

 

“Now, let’s go & see the machine, and you are coming for a drink with me after work, okay,”

 

I didn't say any thing. I just noticed a small smile as she walked away.

 

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There was still time before lunch hour was over. Walking along the aisle, the shop floor was quiet & less bright as some lights were switching off to save energy. No one was seemed eating at their work desks as it was prohibited by Shawn, they could use the worker rest room which was equipped with microwaves & a fridge or go to canteen. I visited the rest room once & disliked stepping onto it again; it was full of food scent because of the enclosed air-conditioning environment. 

 

I greeted a few workers who were looking at us from their seats, and the rests were seemed chatting with others, reading newspapers or taking a nap at their work station. But the tranquility dissipated as we walked closer to the far end of the production, where the shrink wrapping machine was located.

 

Looking from afar, a small group of workers was clustered around the machine, mainly the deaf-and-dumbs. And at the centre of attention was the deaf packer, who enthusiastically demonstrating the new machine to his coworkers. There was 360 degree change on his attitude; from refusing to go for the training initially but eventually gave in, and now…

 

We stood close to the scene, chatting continuously about the beauty of the machine, just liked the deaf packer I too was equally excited. I was so engrossed in the conversation, so much so that failed to realize someone came here to us, till Fatimah alerted me, gosh… that the deaf packer appeared right in front of me.

 

I was a little surprised, but kept my calm & smiled confidently, why fumbled? I was the manager & the situation was supposedly under my control… firmly looked him in the eyes I asked, “Yes…?”

 

Flat hand in front of his chin & sweep outwards, he said thank you in sign language. Well, that’s no big deal; I gave him a thumb-up & raised my palm inviting him to give me a high five.

 

I could still recall in vivid detail what happened next. It was a long moment for me because halfway in, instead of a high five, he did an awkward, inappropriate embrace which I failed to anticipate. 

 

Fortunately there was a very few onlookers & their comments were “disapproving: “死哑巴, Manager都敢抱.” (Damn dumb, dares to hug the manager), “癣蛤蟆想吃天鹅肉,” (a toad wishes to eat swan meat) & etc. And almost immediately, the deaf packer realized he shouldn’t have hugged me as two of his fellow deaf workers came towards & reprimanded him. He found the nearest exit & made his escape.

 

Throughout I said nothing; just let the incident blew over, I believed pretending nothing happen works best in such situation. But Fatimah was less forgiving, “A public hug, especially between a male & female is not appropriate,” as she commented. As a vivid Muslim, her subscribe to the hands-off rule was understandable, “he must respect your professional position,” she added.

 

“Hey, is okay, he probably in a sudden burst of joviality,” I said.

 

During Changi Village days, I got bear hugs, solicited kisses on the cheek & butt patting from men, so such hugging was just small case, I thought he was just being appreciative & I pleaded her not to pursue, “As long as he doesn’t have hygiene issues,” I joked before she returned to 3rd floor, “perhaps it was just an honest mistake on his part”

 

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to be continued......

Edited November 1, 2014 by Larry

[Guest fan]

i'm ok with the long wait, beautiful writing. more please.

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Moving away from the shrink wrap machine, I planned to walk to Assembly Line 1 & from there looping back to my room. But just at about making my first step, I noticed Shawn at the far end of the assembly line, apparently heading straight for me.

 

My mind raced… ‘No, I don’t want to see him now, he may have seemed the hugging & it can be quite embarrassing’

 

Hey, what the heck of this hugging… why was I so concerned? I knew it might sound weird but I couldn't seem to shake the feeling, my self-esteem downed a few notches...

 

I took off my glasses, pretended to look for dirt & turned to Line 2. I felt guilty on avoiding him… similar avoidance was used at Changi Village, taking cover when these cheap or irritating clients was found approaching, who always asked this, asked that, asked for extra services, asked for lower price, but never wanted to close a deal. How could I equal Shawn to these annoying people?

 

Walking quickly on the still quiet gangway, for the briefest moment I felt perturb & restless… until at near the glass door exiting the production someone called from behind, “Hello, Miss Koh,”

 

‘Damn, is him, Shawn,’ I stood frozen for a few seconds; there was no chance of escape, no chance to bail… I turned around & faced him.

 

“Miss Koh, are you okay?"

 

I wanted to blurt out the first thing that came to my mind, “please gives me a break, don’t be a leech,” but what came out was a whimper, “I’m okay, boss what’s up?”

 

“Ahem,” clearing his throat lightly, he gawked at me with his half-smile, “I saw the hugging between you & the packer,” 

 

“Oh… that hugging,” I bit my bottom lip shyly & looked away, "just a casual one, nothing fancy…”

 

“Hmm… that lucky chap… so jealous,” raising his voice he continued, “ha, how nice… if I were him,"

 

“Shawn, please don’t talk like this, people may eavesdrop our conversation,”

 

My reminder seemed to annoy him, redness in his neck & its muscles tensed up; he snapped instantly & screamed lowly, “What’s eavesdropping… who cares? Do I care? I don’t…” taking a deep breath he added, “Is it a crime if they know I like you… is it immoral when the boss try to tackle his subordinate… as long as you are single & I’m not married, then what is the problem?”

 

He was emotional & venting his anger, I kept mum & watched him; believing silence could do more good than replying… his weakness was obvious, that he could get agitated easily. Losing his cool, which led him to lose his self-worth, such was his deep screaming of who cares… such was his tossing of coin.in a fit of pique when I told him a no go on our relationship…

 

Then I watched him suddenly doing something very stupid, and I hated myself for it after that. But I was helpless. He went towards me, hugged me for just a little too long & with a smirk in his eyes. And if that weren’t enough, he whispered into my ear, “I missed you so much”.

 

I worried that the hug would be misinterpreted by others nearby. I said nothing, everything was just a blur, and I turned my head & walked away, giving him no chance for further conversation.

 

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to be continued......

Edited November 13, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Back to my room, I sat at my desk & reviewed the draft of my monthly operation report. I was at the most important section about what new initiatives to be taken for the new month, but staring blankly, I was unable to focus.

 

My eyes narrowed, recalled that disgraceful moment in production floor & worried that it might affect my integrity to manage the operation. People would bad-mouth me behind my back, that I seduced the boss of the company instead. Gone were my futile attempt of hiding my flirtatious past & projecting the image of a girl-next-door… bloody hell, why he did this? I frowned & cursed angrily.

 

How to deal with the impending mocking & raving… Damn, I really should quit… the thought crossed my mind suddenly.

 

But…maybe I should talk to Ling, my big sister first, because right on the heels of that impulse came a lot of other thoughts that I might overlook. Since childhood, we dwell on any matters, relationship, work, study, fashion, and even man, she being my soul mate, never blamed me for anything; instead, and help me came up with a solution.

 

I didn’t want to disturb her actually, no one should be calling her unless it's really an emergency, and my plan of action warranted that urgency. I started dialing Ling’s office phone number, the first call went straight to voicemail, after two more trials, I gave up, I just hate to talk to a machine, ‘Maybe I should wait till this evening after our dinner at home,’ I sighed…

 

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Lying dejectedly on my chair, I clutched my hair & yelled at the ceiling, HOW THE FUCK DID I GET INTO THIS SITUATION? 

 

Huffing, I tossed the draft copy into the dustbin, I felt meaningless to continue the vetting. Just I was about to fetch some drink from the pantry, my desk phone chirped annoyingly, it was Fatimah on the line, “Hello, is me, how are you?”

 

“Fine… I’m fine,” I answered listlessly.

 

“You sound troubled,” asked Fatimah. She then asked was it because of the hugging.

 

Nope, nothing to do with the dumb packer, I replied. But her next question was a terrible shock to me, “No, no, no… you got me wrong, I’m talking about the second hugging,”

 

“What… second hugging?” mortified, I sat stunned & didn’t know what to say, it was real fast the news spread.

 

“Come on; don’t pretend, with our boss,”

 

I finally found my voice & said, "I'm not sure we want to talk about this anymore," trying to block her every word from entering my mind. I felt so dirty… “I want to resign…”

 

“Why, because of the hugging?”

 

"It is impossible to carry on," I spoke angrily, “people would make fun of me, gossip behind me, how am I going to manage?”

 

The next few minutes she went into persuasion overdrive, speaking earnestly hoping to change my idea of resignation. She talked of quitting without a job could badly affect my bargaining power on landing a new job, of quitting a job which carried a huge price that made it scary, the salary, status, social recognition & etc., "it can ruin your life, your health, your self-esteem & your sanity,” she said, “but, Jennifer, more importantly you’re my best lunch mate & work pal,”

 

I listened quietly, her advice struck a chord in my heart, that’s right, I earned a good salary, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I felt useful & appreciated for my ability other than my body, “Kakak (sister), thanks, you’re more than a colleague, I value your inputs & I agree…”

 

How could I have come up with half of this crap? My heart said yes while my brain warned me not to rush into it. At the end of our conversation, she asked me to hold the fort; we girls must stay united, and she believed Shawn as a guy & trouble maker would deal with it.

 

It seemed to me that as HR she was going to talk to Shawn but I never asked.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

Time 330 pm, I decided to leave my room & walk the production floor. I couldn’t hide in my room forever, I was paid to do the job anyhow & no matter how I needed to face the music.

 

Entered the production floor & walking on the gangways, I passed by workers who were taking their breaks as it was the afternoon tea time. I wasn’t making eye contact with anyone. I remember just being in a manic state, unable to focus my eyes on a singular thing. My heart was in my head and my stomach at the same time, beating at an unsustainable rate.

 

I saw a group of middle age lady down the gangway & could hear them talking but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Then I heard the laughter, so loud that it echoed down the gangway. But as I walked nearer, they stopped abruptly; it was obvious they were talking something not for my consumption.

 

“经理好,” (Hello manager)

 

“Auntie大家好,” (Hi, auntie) I replied.

 

I felt awkward as there was a momentary silence between us, the shame & guilt of Shawn's hugging overwhelmed me. Then someone spoke up, breaking the momentary awkward silence, “许小姐,” looking at her inquisitively, I felt the pressure was off temporarily, but her immediate question put me back to a peculiar situation, “我听说towkay suka你, 较早前在production抱你,” (I heard that boss likes you, he hugged you in the production earlier on)

 

My face had taken on a deep bluish tone, I listened dumbfounded, I looked at them & immediately I was frightened, and wanted to get away & hide myself from everyone there. Denying I answered sheepishly, “没…没有这样的事,” (No… no such thing)

 

“Aiya, 这是好事, 没什么不好意思,” (Aiya, this is good news, nothing to feel shy)

 

“老板发神经, 抱错人了,” (Boss was crazy, he hugged the wrong person) I replied.

 

For the next few minutes, these middle aged ladies made lots of comments liked “哎呀, 可惜我女儿都嫁出去了, 不然有这样的女婿多好,” (Aliya, too bad all my daughters got married, otherwise is nice to have this kind of son-in-law)… “肥嫂, 不要开玩笑, 他们才登对, 郎才女貌,” (Madam, you must be kidding, they’re perfect match with the man wise & his girl pretty)… “真希望有机会喝到他们的喜酒,” (Really hope to there is chance to attend their wedding)… “人家女仔脸皮薄, 怎好意思承认, 你们不要为难她了,” (She is still very shy, how to admit, please give her a break)…

 

Unleashing their wildest imagination, they talked relentlessly ignoring my existence, I felt such an idiot.

 

There is a saying that three women make a market, and with a group of aunty, the situation was even more chaotic, massive & disorder… I gave an excuse & walked away hurriedly.

 

“经理加油,” (Keep it up, Miss Koh)… “神经病, 那有叫人家女仔加油,” (You crazy, where got lady to keep it up)… “是老板加油,” (yeah, is boss keep it up)… “老板加油” (Boss, keep it up)… “老板加油” (Boss, keep it up)…

 

Gosh, what a cheering squad, the support given to Shawn was beyond my imagination. Frankly the whole situation was not as bad as what I’d thought initially, yes, their remarks were a little awkward & harmless, there was no indoctrination, just encouragement to be receptive, which somehow I felt a tinge of sweetness.

 

Tinge of sweetness??? Oh my God, I couldn’t believe it myself; it was strange, strange, strange… 

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited December 1, 2014 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

Returned to my room, there was still one hour left before the official knock-off, but I decided to switch-off my mind & do nothing till time was up.

 

I closed the door & flipped the “Do Not Disturb” sign board such that people won't knock at the door. Switching off the ceiling lights, I sat on my chair & inserted a new compact disc just bought yesterday during lunch time onto the player.

 

The disc is by Leon Lai (黎明) & features songs sung in Cantonese or Mandarin. The first few pieces were okay, sad lyrics & the singing were listenable, though his vocal lacked of power liked Jacky Cheung (張學友) or the thickness of Andy Lau (劉德華). Anyway the songs were specially tailored & suited his vocal, but more importantly he is what a lady killer, tall, handsome, a little shy & exceptionally attractive, definitely my cup of tea.

 

I closed my eyes & immersed myself in the soothing melodies. I like love songs & more on sad ones, its sorrow element holds special appeal to me as a listener; creating an instant cocoon where I can take refuge from this taboo world. My love of heartbreakers lie in a truism, i.e. misery loves company, hearing the sadness expressed through the song relieves deep alienation of my life, in particular as a cross dresser, that I’m not alone in enduring social discrimination. 

 

But then when this song was aired, I went into deep thought & felt so confuse.

 

… 在深秋的黎明 (In the dawn of late autumn)… 是風裡透著涼意 (The wind was blowing cold), 才知道兩顆心能靠多緊 (Only then to know how two hearts can help tightly)… 而我雙眼離不開你 (And I couldn’t take my eyes off you)… 紅葉像烈火燃燒 (Red leaves raging as fire), 比不過我的心我的愛永不會熄滅燃燒不盡 (It could not surpass my heart as my love would last forever)… 我愛你 (I love you), 用生命全心全意讓愛能繼續 (With my life wholeheartedly let love continue)…

 

 

The song was so familiar, it sparked a distant memory, reminded a specific period of my life, that on one evening in East Coast next to the airport, where we made love, where he seeded me with his love juice. My mind flashed back those good old times, and not so long ago, screens after another screen… his lifting of me walking on the sandy beach… sitting at the hill top at the back of our army camp & watching the sunset… kissing under the heavy rain at the vast empty land next to the army camp… sleepless in Genting Highland… etc., etc. 

 

They were so real, yet so far away, how I wondered where they'd gone, my emotion was in extreme turmoil & I got knotted up in my stomach.

 

My tear flowed unstoppable when the next song was played, this time I simply wanted to make myself cry, I just wanted to miss my Kong. If I didn’t, who would?

 

… 心中想說 一生之中都只愛你 (In my heart I wanted to say that my whole life I only love you)… 我每日也想著你 (Each day I will think of you)… 視線人浪中找你 (going everywhere trying to find you among the crowd)… 一生裡頭誰是我的心中最美　往日的你 (that in my life, who will be the best in my heart. In time to come, it is you)…

 

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

When I heard a knock at my office door, I raised my head, oops, it was Shawn at the door; stopping the CD player I stood up, cleaned my tear quickly & walked to open the door, switching on the light, letting him in & closed the door.

 

Holding two paper cups of drink, he handed me a teh-O. Instantly the room smelled of coffee, it is my favorite aroma but unfortunately a sip of coffee would cause me giddiness.

 

“I came once but you’re not in…” sitting down he said. His gaze lingered on me but the bleak certainty in his voice struck me like a fist to the heart, “Fatimah came to see me…”

 

“Yeah, then…” I looked at him inquisitively, waiting for him to open the box of Pandora, “Oh, nothing...” but he stopped short with no intention to divulge a single word about my intended resignation. 

 

It was tensed & his staring made me uncomfortable, I shuffled my feet & clearing my throat before attempting to speak, "I, um… went to production," I regretted almost immediately for talking something so un-essential, damn…

 

And he too replied perfunctorily that he went to production to look for me. I was not happy when learnt that he catching snippets of the conversation between me & the group of senior lady, but I didn’t want to protest, after all he was the boss of the company, he should have that prerogative.

 

Our conversation for the next few minutes to me was light, unfocused & somewhat not a true conversation, the heavy rain lah… the strong wind lah… etc. etc. It was awkward & quite obvious that we both were just beating around the bush.

 

And as the conversation died out, I inhaled deeply, ‘silly girl,’ I chastised myself, why the heck was I so afraid to speak out? Believing Fatimah had already told him everything, so why was I hesitating? There was no way out, we couldn’t run away from the problem, my heart crying out.
“I want to resign,” I spoke up finally.

 

He was astonished… biting his bottom lip & ran a hand through his hair, finally squeezing the back of his neck he said utterly, "I’m sorry for the reckless act… please, please don’t quit," swallowing nervously he continued, "I didn't mean to hurt you… sorry really, I regret that it caused you so much irritation,"

 

I could sense that he desperately waiting on my answer. I wanted to forgive him, but the message kept ringing in my mind, that it was wrong for him to hug me… several seconds passed before I broke my silence, "Sorry, I already make up my mind,” I turned my face away from him & looked at my painted toes, I was stone-faced.

 

"No, I cannot allow you to resign; I need you… What’re you going to do, back to Changi Village?" he asked without realizing that hurting my pride.

 

"So what… you think I’m kidding, do you?" caring less about the consequences, I growled. Despite the not-that-bad responses found during my earlier walking in the production floor, I stubbornly repeated my main concern, that I couldn't manage my workforce with rumormongers gossiping behind me, talking nonsense or spreading groundless rumors that there’re affair between we two, and then sniggered & mocking me that I was a material girl going after their boss wealth. 

 

"Jennifer, broadcasts the rumor,” taking the rap & spreading insider information that he was the one doing the courting, it would take away some of its myths & momentum, “people would have no motivation to play up the rumor,”

 

I sat stunned for such idea, "You crazy," I muttered before he could reply, "this is a stupid idea… so stupid…" my hand clumsily knocked over a file, sending it tumbling to the floor. Hastily, I picked it up.

 

"Sorry," he said lowly, "I didn’t expect you’re in such predicament, I’m just an idiot,”  he tried hard, telling me I was special to him, that I was worth chasing to the end of the world, that at any cost, he wanted me to stay. Raising his cup in a mock toast, his gaze was so hopeful it made my heart hurt, why was he so stubborn?

 

I relented finally, insouciantly I asked for his promise not to hug me in the open, unless…

 

“Unless… you just said unless, can you explain?”

 

“Unless… well…” I felt my blush increase; he struck me speechless… dammit, why the hell was I so careless, so loose-tongued, giving him false hope... “Ahem... well…” frantically I searched for right answer but instead I stuttered & replied incredulously, “加油啰 (work harder la…), 你的工人讲的 (your workers said that…),” 

 

“Really…?” a slow grin stretched his lips, and the merriment reached his penetrating gaze, “If I 加油, I still get the chance to hug you?”

 

“那你就加油吧 (Then you work harder lo…) 可油不要乱乱加 (but don’t make it worst),” heat flushed up my neck as I tried to recover my composure, my cool demeanor conflicting with his overly confidence, “我可没答应你什么 (I never promise you anything),”

 

Time was 6 pm as we ended the discussion at my request; it was way passed the off hour. Shawn grumbled when I declined his offer of sending me home, “机会都不给 (Don’t even give chance), how to 加油?”

 

I walked to HR to look for Fatimah but the room was locked, she must had have left the office because of my long meeting with Shawn that our pre-arranged drinking session was off.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

Back home, after dinner with Ling & Aunty Lily, I adjourned to the bedroom. I kept mum on the day matter as the matter was temporarily shelved.

 

Lying on my bed & staring up blankly at the ceiling, everything was at its quietest except Ling’s rhythmical breathing. I was sleepless, I forced not to think of the event, not to obsess over what had happened, but the demon didn’t want to go away, all what I had said & all what he had said kept circulating on my mind, in hundreds of different variations.

 

Looking down at my dear big sister in the lower deck, her face showed tiny bundle of joy underlining her smooth courtship which had just getting serious recently. I sighed lightly, 重色轻友 (idiom: paying more attention to her man than longtime confidant), taking no notice of my perplexity… I sighed once more, 唯我斯人独憔悴 (just leaving me haggard lonely)…

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited May 23, 2017 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 16: Why was He in My Dream?

 

In the dead of night, I still couldn't stop my mind from racing; I needed to find a song to put my mind at ease in order to sleep, to be able to work tomorrow. And I found one, a song by Leon Lai that I felt the connection, which made me cry every time when the song was played.

 

 

 

… 也许你只是一个最美丽的阴影 (Maybe you’re just a beautiful shadow)… 也许你只是一朵属于流浪的云 (Maybe you’re just a roaming cloud)… 走过我的梦, 我的所有 (Walking through my dream, my all)… 今夜你会不会来 (Will you come tonight)… 如果你的心已经离开, 我宁愿没有未来 (If your heart has left, then I prefer there is no future)…

 

I kept the lyrics floating through my mind… will he come tonight, yeah… into my dream… And I asked myself if he actually does come, will I welcome him... Nope, I won’t… You sure, you lascivious girl… I had difficulties describing what happened inside my mind, yes or no, yes… or… no… yes… or… no… c-c-can… s-s-some… o-o-one… a-a-answer-r-r…

 

------------------------- End of Chapter 16 ---------------------

Edited May 23, 2017 by Larry

[Larry]

Have a happy 2015, everybody.

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

So life went on, and I always got the supervisor Chong to come along when Shawn asked me to walk the production floor with him, I believed one hugging was too many; there shouldn’t have a second one. Although no badmouth heard so far, but there was still a knot in my mind, as a ‘female’, I believed getting too close with the boss could cause problems, the staffs might have misplaced allegiance, thinking that I were the lady boss in waiting, and I disliked this.

 

‘Love is blind' so the saying goes.

 

I wasn’t blinded, I saw weaknesses in Shawn’s personality, from university time on nothing positive to give, rich-man-son syndrome, self-absorbency & arrogance to the newly found out but his deny on gay intimacy with his banker James, there was no way to let him into my life with so many flaws, just bad, bad & more bad. 

 

I must had thought that was all about Shawn, but since working in his company, I was glad to see that a few things he did had change a little of my mindset against him, from bad to okay, things such as his effort of preparing me to dealing with hostile staffs, his sourcing & supplies of medical stuffs to needy employees & etc…

 

And he continued to give me new surprises. The first prominence surprise was about blood donation that he was able to mobilise many of the company workers coming forwards & supported the initiative.

 

I saw a mobile blood donation bus stationed at the car park adjourning the canteen during one of the lunch break. Though making it easy & convenient for people working around the area to donate, the turnout was lethargic. I told Fatimah about this & she smiled, “ha, you never know, the good show is yet to be seemed,” I looked at her in complete puzzlement while she continued, “you better bring along your IC when the boss calls for a meeting,”

 

Back to my room, instead of my IC, I got ready my blood donation booklet, a booklet which was issued to me when I did my first blood giving during recruit time. And, despite of bringing it along, I didn’t have any intention to donate my blood this time.

 

Remembering my first donation, it was scary & embarrassing, I got reprimand from a warrant officer on keep shifting my queueing position to the back, and under his watchful eyes, I couldn’t run away to hide in the toilet, “hey you soldier, why so gū niang (姑娘 girl) do you know that every pint of blood can save up to three lives,”

 

After that episode, I gave blood regularly throughout my two & a half years national service, not because I liked it but because of no choice, as a quartermaster, I role modelled for all my store personnel, I had to take my mind off, not looking at that fat needle & closed my eyes tightly each time when the needle was inserted. By the time it was all over I would take a free cup of Milo & biscuits.

 

I was informed by Fatimah & attended a meeting in the conference room ground floor chaired by Shawn for the blood donation. And after that he led the group to the mobile blood donation bus. I couldn’t believe his ability in mobilising the people, “Wows, never know that we have so many blood donors,” I talked to Chong (the production supervisor) who was at the middle of the queue.

 

"Of course, how can we evade when the boss come personally & call upon us," said Chong, "our boss had given blood for the past two years, this is his third year,"

 

Then someone in the queue called out, “Miss Koh, you’re not donating…”

 

“Oh, no,” I gave a big lie while flashing my donation booklet briefly, “I just went for my blood donation last week,”

 

In actual fact, I had stopped the donation since ending my national service, four over years had lapse & it was fortunate that no one dared to ask to see the inner pages. I needed to evade the donation this time or otherwise my real sexual identity would be exposed when the nurse asked for my identity card.

 

And when I discussed the event with Fatimah during our lunch meet, she replied that the message had to come from the top, “our workers have embraced the scheme, passionate about the whole thing and this will be a long-running initiative for the company, not a one-off,”

 

I was touched by Shawn, as boss of the company setting himself a good example on blood donation.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited January 2, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

The first weekend in September school holidays was scheduled for the company annual outing. We would be visiting a resort called Desaru Holiday Chalets in Desaru, Johor, about 3 hours’ drive from Singapore. I was told by Fatimah who coordinated the event that my attendance was mandatory, as manager & team player I needed to attend functions initiated by the company. 

 

Personally I really hated going, the same employees that huddled around at the company would be the same faces at the outing, except new faces from their spouses & kids, but I expected small number caused to attend they had to pay some fee not entirely F.O.C.

 

And I strangely felt something mystically knocking at my heart, which made me even less keen to attend, i.e. Shawn would be away for a business trip. I slammed my mind not to think about this, what the hell was going on? I had to be insane, yeah, that’s right…

 

Ling couldn’t come & that caused me some concern, about to keep secret on my sexual identity. It would be a lousy option to share room with any female, even with Fatimah. Already sinful of linking my dear mate arm & holding hand during lunch break, how not to show any part of my vital statistics in front of her during cloth changing & vice versa.

 

Without showing off my concern of course, I talked to Fatimah about the room arrangement & her answer put me completely at ease, “ha-ha, no one will get to hear your snoring, you have a room all by yourself,” she laughed & added, “bring your smile, come along & join the games when asked, okay,”

 

There was no point to be moody, I decided to do nothing, think nothing & do anything I like for the outing, and first of all, I wanted to make myself looked prettier than any of the young factory girls attending the outing.

 

I wanted to look my best, no bikini but sets of stylish beachwear expressing my style & shape, tops with ruffles that would create the illusion of having bigger busts & shorts of white, blue, pink & black. And for the evening, dinner with karaoke & dancing, considering there might be a theme at play I opted for playful cocktail attire, a little black dress & large hoop earrings. It’s one of the many joys of being a woman.

 

Hmm… 女人心海底针, I laughed at myself, from passive to active, even I myself could never have a good grasp on a woman thinking process, just like a needle at the bottom of the sea is impossible to grasp. 

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited January 11, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

Sorry for the delay, a simple segment but I rewrote it 5 times, damned…

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

That Saturday morning, I woke up early; it was an off day for people liked me on 5-days work week, but I had to get out of bed as it was the day for my first company outing.

 

Skipping the usual TGIF (thanks God is Friday) with Ling, I returned home directly from work last night. Things required were packed into the haversack & clothing for this morning was picked & placed on the dressing table. I felt edgy throughout the process; my mind was pre-occupied with the idea of wanting to outclass these young & pretty factory girls attending the outing. 

 

The road should be less busy & I would pace the trilogy of hot shower, makeup & cloth change in a manner that there would be sufficient time for a cheap bus ride & maybe a quick bite in the canteen. I planned to meet Fatimah earlier & to give her team some helping, I felt obligated to do this as many of the participants came from the areas that under my command.

 

But things went contrary to my wishes, despite the one night sleep, the edginess didn’t seem to go away & my kiasuism led me to do something redundant & silly, first was to depilate my armpits, and next was to check for any hair omitted on my legs, both actions used up part of the adequate time.

 

I didn’t expect that my makeup was a complete flop. As an integral part of my life, I was confident that I would do okay, well… just lighter eye shadow, lighter cheek brushing; lighter here lighter there, everything just go lighter, as easy as ABC. But when I asked Ling who returned from her teeth brushing, her reply was negative, “Your makeup looks wrong at the beach, just too heavy, should go for light & sheer colours,”

 

To look appropriate, I followed Ling’s instruction, foundation was removed, using her cosmetics, light dusting of translucent powder on eyelids, just above cheekbones, and on the apples of my cheeks, plus a little on my forehead, temples & chin. Followed with a tiny bit of pink powder blushed on my cheeks, and dabbed a bit of cherry red matte lipstick, oh wow… the result was beyond my imagination, right in front of the mirror, I saw a college girl, a sunnier version of myself.

 

I hugged Ling & thanked her, my initial unhappiness of her for not accompany me for the outing but instead going for a Malacca trip with her boyfriend dissipated quickly. I laughed at myself, what a niggard, and I wanted to learn from her on makeup technique after the outing.

 

And the choice of to wear white denim shorts bothered me even at the last minute… about guys ogling at my legs. The precautionary remarks by an istersay whom I met in Genting casino kept ringing in my mind: ‘keeping low profile’ & ‘not over complacence’, in order to keep in check my male sexuality. Maybe it would be better to wear jeans for the bus ride, and then change to shorts at the chalet.

 

I took off the shorts & put on jeans. But then I thought I could take the chance, the participants were mainly company employees & their families, I should be quite safe, and so I took off the jeans & put back the shorts.

 

“Sis, how, do I look Ah Lian or not?” I asked while applying concealer to a few blemishes on my inner thighs, because there was no stocking to hide them.

 

“Chio Bu (骚母 / 骚婆, Hokkien pronunciation equivalent of vain pot, use between close female friends), you look okay… you’re going to be late, stop dilly dally & get off your butt,”

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited January 23, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

I took a cab instead of bus & asked the taxi uncle to rush. My conscience stricken caused I might not be able to give Fatimah & her team a helping hand, enjoying dressing up is woman’s nature; I hoped she would forgive me. Throughout the journey, I kept reminding myself to stay nimble, never on cloud nine & giving out any tell-tale signs.

 

Stepping out from the taxi, I rushed to look for Fatimah. From afar I saw four buses parking nearby the canteen & scores of people loitering around. The first person I met was Susan, one of my two planners, and wow, she's really dressed to kill. And the few office girls with her were also dressed to kill… phew, lucky me, I wasn’t that bad, white jeans shorts, fair & hairless legs, beaded flower pink slippers & newly painted pink colour toe-nails.

 

Fatimah appeared with her two assistants, “Hey girl, why so late,” she then paused for continuation, “wow, wow, wow, oh mine, you look stunning,”

 

“Shih… not so loud please,” my face was reddened & bashfully I adjusted my wide-brim pink canvas hat, "thank you," I said beaming, hearing her praising was like hearing music in my head & my ears…

 

“Hurry, our bus is waiting. Come with me,” said Fatimah. While we briskly walked to the awaiting bus, I got praises from a group of aunties too, “wow, 经理你很漂亮啦 (boss you are pretty),” the happy but awkward predicament I experienced was hard to describe, all what I could do was to reply repeatedly, “没有啦, 没有啦 (not at all),”

 

Climbing up the bus & as I looked around before taking my seat, I found guys from shipping & store that seated on the back rows checking me out from head to toe lecherously as though I was naked, and there was no mistake the whistlings were deliberate, slow & sleazy.

 

Sitting on the inner seat of first row, I was stoned face & looking forward. Meantime, Fatimah walked to the back before coming to sit with me & I overheard part of her conversation, “Hey, your people better show your respect & behave yourself,”

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

Desaru is a beach & resort area in Johor, Malaysia. It is located approximately 88 kilometers east of Johor Bahru, on the South China Sea, a popular weekend escape for Singaporeans who come to enjoy the attractive 25 km stretch of beaches & splendid golf courses.

 

Transported by 4 buses, we were composed of about 100 employees & 20 over guests. We arrived at around 12 noon & proceed to the banquet hall to collect our chalet keys. Fatimah & her HR assistants were busy & she told me to meet her at the dinner.

 

My chalet was at the farthest end of the beach. I surveyed the room quickly & was satisfied to see the hot shower. Not wanting to spend time in the room, I unpacked the haversack, applied sun-tan lotion & went for first round of cloth changing, something showing enough skin & very comfy outfit.

 

Damn modesty; just put it aside for the time being. I liked how I looked while stepping out of the room & felt light-hearted with the Hello Kitty cap, yes, if you've got it, shows it, and flaunts it.

 

Girls are girls, I knew I was not the only one to have this behavioural trait, some of the young girls (and some guys too) might now in their rooms struggling with what to wear, all for the sake of variety.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited January 24, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

Armed with CD player, I brought along the box of sandwiches & mineral water collected early on, I walked around the resort. The resort was good, BBQ grills, plam trees, basketball court, bicycle rental, gift shop & etc.

 

And finally I walked to the beach, well, the sand was not so white & was coarse, but water was clean & the beach was quiet. I found a wooden bench under a tree, cleaned it up & sat down. Watching the beach front, I fell in love with the view. I decided to spend the remaining afternoon here, to unwind, to empty my mind & to forget all those stressful office work.

 

I put on the ear pieces & listened to the CD & unboxed the sandwiches. Then I saw one female worker came to beach with their families, her husband, a boy & a baby girl. Toddling around, the baby girl was playing in the sand with her brother, under the watchful eyes of their parents, what a picturesque setting.

 

Feeling nostalgic while watching them, the similar scene came instantly to my mind; at East Coast Park back in Singapore & Kong was hugging me from behind leaning against a palm tree… I recalled our conversation when he asked me why I neglected his question as I watched the boy & his baby sister engrossingly. And when I told him the special feeling of holding a toddler small little hand, feeling the smooth & tender skin, smelling & tasting the babyish fragrance, he spoke about adoption when we got married… and I was so touched when he told me he didn’t mind the kid didn’t carry his fresh & blood, such was the most beautiful moments in my life but my hopes of attaining it had now vanished into thin air.

 

My tear welled up in my eyes while the song was playing,

… 爱情像难收的覆水 (Love was like non-retrieve splashed water)… 长长来路 走的太憔悴 (Languish walking on the long winding road)… 你只留下我收拾这一切 (You left me behind to pick up all things)… 不让我的眼泪陪我过夜 (Don't let my tears keep me through the night)… 忘了曾经爱过谁 (Forgotten who I’d loved)… 慢慢习惯了寂寞相随 (Slowly getting used to be alone)…

 

 

And when the next song was played, I couldn't help but started to weep… tired of feeling & wished I could just shut it all off, 就让一切随风吧 (just let all gone in the wind)

 

… 各种空虚冷冷冷 (all emptiness & coldness)… 过去的心火般灼热, 今天已变了冰冻 (heart which was scorching hot has now been frozen)… 就让一切随风 (just let all things gone with the wind)…

 

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

“Miss Koh… Jennifer…” my reminiscence was shattered by someone who was calling me from behind.

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited May 23, 2017 by Larry

[Larry]

Just added this song for the last segment.

 

 

Edited May 23, 2017 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

The loud call from the back brought me out of my reverie. I dabbed my cheeks with a tissue before looking back & was stunned to see Shawn. ‘Damn, why is he here, did he see me crying?’ I watched in daze as he walked towards me.

 

I was absolutely silent, staring blankly at the floor trying to look nonchalant, but then his serious voice snapped me out of my silence, “Hi, may I sit down?”

 

What the hell? I gave myself a mental shake to get the foggy out of my inaction. I looked over to my left where he stood, his hand was resting on the back of wooden bench; “Sure,” I nodded & asked lowly after he sat down, “I thought you’re still in Japan,”

 

“Yeah, just came back earlier,” he paused, “hey, stop talking of me, Jennifer, I see tears on your face, someone had bully you?”

 

I smiled faintly, catching the eye of Shawn before looking at the beach, “oh just some sands got into my eye,”

 

“Jennifer,” he looked at me, examining me & then frowned, “what's on your mind? I’m not stupid, okay… you definitely were crying. Hey, I’m not your boss here but friend instead, and there shall have no lie in-between us,” as he spoke, he shifted & moved closer to me.

 

I shook my head, genuinely touched by his concern, but not knowing how to reply. Yes, we’re friend, but not to the extent that I had to tell him anything & everything. Seeing my silence, he added on, “Sorry, I just… want to help you,”

 

I shrugged & sighed. “No, no one bullied me,” pointing at the toddler in the beach, I continued, “just moody for the recollection of past event associated with that baby girl,”

 

He frowned & leaned forward, “What, the baby girl? I don’t understand,”

 

I bit my lip & shook my head, tears were beginning to prick at the corners of my eyes, “Never mind, something silly,” I whispered, clenching my hands in my lap.

 

“What’s silly,” frustrated, he shook his head & watched me for a moment as I was visibly struggled with my emotions, “Talk to me Jennifer, what's the matter?”

 

Looking straight at the beach front, I bit my lower lip & talked intermittently, “That fatal accident destroys my life… my dream… I would have got married… look… having a kid likes that baby girl… playing sand castle now…” tears began trickling down my cheeks half way as I spoke. And at the tail end of my talk, my voice went down to almost like whispering, my tears marking tiny tracks down my cheeks. ... I bent my head, attempted to stop the tearing, but all that came out was a choked sob.

 

He whispered softly into my ear, “Cry, cry it all out… and don’t suppress…”

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited February 5, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

After what seemed an eternity, my crying slowly subsided. All this while Shawn just sat quietly & fondled my hand softly. It was perhaps our first physical contact, and I simply allowed it to happen.

 

He touched my arm, and I looked up, “Here,” he said, offering me a tissue.

 

I accepted it & wiped my eyes, “Sorry, crying in front of you…” 

 

“Shih… it's OK,” he took my hand & kissed the back of it, “now I know your problem, let us deal with this together… if you allow me…”

 

I met his eyes, so dark, so full of questioning. He looked so fragile, like he'd been hurt before. We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, until the stretch of silence grew uncomfortable, “Look, I'm sorry ..., is just my fat hope.” he said, forcing a tight smile & looked straight.

 

I parted my lips, “No… please don’t…” whispering, I searched for a reason that I didn’t deserve his love & trust, and I feared my words might hurt him.

 

Running a hand through his hair he sighed, “Why no… let me fill the gap, I know you love to have a baby…” and his grimace reflected his pain, agony & sadness, “you know what I mean…”

 

I lowered my head, grimacing slightly & in a shaky voice I replied, “I understand but I don’t need your sympathy, Shawn,”

 

“There is not sympathy, Jennifer,” he looked at me with a heavy sigh, “I want to be the father of this baby & take the responsibility of upbringing. Do you understand me? Let me take good care of you,”

 

“What?” I startled & asked, unsure I'd heard correctly, “Really…?” turning to look at him, his eyes were wide & hopeful.

 

He stood up, and then squatting in front of me. Holding my two hands & looked into my eyes, he said, “yes, really. Please, let me take good care of you,”

 

I stared at him; clearly he was desperately seeking my love. I was touched by his persistance & burst into a fresh torrent of tears, “That's the sweetest thing you had offered…” I met his gaze & then lowered my eyes, “I can love you, but I… I'm not ready, I need more time…” 

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

To be continued......

Edited February 11, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

Happy Valentine Day, 愿天下有情人终成眷属

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

He was silent initially, and then just like a drowning man picking up a life buoy, shaking himself from his loss sense & asked loudly, “Did I hear wrongly, you just said you can love me, really?” he drew in a sharp breath & then gazed up at me, “Can & not can’t, ‘cee’ ‘a’ ‘en’ right?”

 

Sounding almost desperate, he specifically spelled out the word ‘CAN’ one by one carefully & slowly.

 

“Yeah,” I replied shyly & then let out a sigh, “oh you infatuated idiot…”

 

His reactions struck me, first a low but audible euphoria shout of ‘yes’ with his fist pumping the air, and next he kissed my hand muttering ‘thank you’ repeatedly, clearly so much happier in his own space.

 

Life was this drama… unknowingly I just gave him a glimpse of hope.

 

He stood up, raising his hand & using his thumb to wipe the tears from my eyes, “Come on, no more tears, let go for lunch, I’m very hungry,”

 

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

 

“Lunch, is already two thirty,” I glanced at my watch, and then back at Shawn, “Will you sit down? You’re wearing my neck standing there,”’

 

“Dinner is about four hours from now, but my stomach had been rumbling driving from Singapore,”

 

“Hey, I ate the sandwiches issued to us half an hour ago & my…” I said, “Look, there is a minimart in the chalet, can I make you a sausage & egg sandwich? Would that be all right?”

 

“Wows, that’s awesome…” he clapped a hand to his mouth & stared at me as if he’d just had a great shock, “that would be smashing, trying out the culinary skill of my girlfriend,”

 

“Hey stop calling me your girlfriend, I’m your friend but not girlfriend yet, you’re still under the probation,”

 

“What… probation? There is probation, for how long?” he asked while showing his tongue.

 

“Yes, as long as I wish, any problem?”

 

“Wows, so fierce,” scrunching up his shoulders before nodding his head, “Well, yes, I suppose you are calling the shots,”

 

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To be continued......

Edited February 14, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

I accompanied Shawn to the mini-mart, carefree, casual, no dodging nor evading, paying no regard that our walking together might arouse unnecessary speculation. What in my mind was to ensure flavoring essentially the oil, salt, soya sauce & etc. were procured for my cooking, and I couldn’t leave this job to the rich man son who probably didn’t step into the kitchen once.

 

We chatted happily; I’d forgotten my earlier sorrows & his punctilious cum stiffness diminished quickly, returning to his usual self, talkative & cheeky.

 

“How was the traffic today?” I asked.

 

“Quite smooth at both customs, only worried of getting caught on speeding by the Malaysia Police, the Lamborghini goes like the wind,”

 

“Wows, new car, you sold away your BMW?”

 

“Nay, borrow from one of my cousins,”

 

“I thought your BM is equally fast…”

 

“But the Lamborghini allowed me to come earlier to see you,”

 

“Ha-ha, lame excuse… I would think that likes some dudes you drive this flashy car to hook up pretty girls, right?”

 

“You are perfectly correct, I’m driving this car trying to hook you up, and because you’re the prettiest girl I’ve met,” with his wit & wisdom, he responded quickly, quoting my words back to me.

 

I was red faced with so much embarrassed by my miss-cue, damn… I looked at him with a scrunching nose. And I was speechless when he commented my nose scrunching was cute, “but don’t do it too often, you will get wrinkles on your face, okay… dumb dumb girl,”

 

Our conversation was so carefree to an extent there was certain degree of flirting in the air. I sighed silently, how on earth people liked you, I & Shawn were so apt to change, fortunately the weather remained fine & warm.

 

Inside the mini-mart, I asked him to pick up sausages, bacons, potatoes & eggs while I went around looking for the required flavoring. I was happy to get what I wanted in small bottles for oil & soya sauce, and the disposable pepper, salt & sugar sachets, apparently the shop was stocked in a manner catering for the short stayers need, win-win for everyone with minimum wastage.

 

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To be continued......

Edited February 18, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

羊年到，祝三羊开泰，喜气羊羊

 

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

At the checking out counter, Shawn came back with the groceries I told to look for, a tray of egg, a bag of tomatoes, and box of bacon & sausage respectively.

 

“You can finish all the eggs & potatoes meh?” I looked at him & asked inquisitively.

 

And he replied sheepishly, “How to… may be just two eggs & one potato,” 

 

“Good boy (returning his calling me of dumb dumb girl), put back the egg & tomato, go to right side, get three eggs from the opened tray & one tomato from the gunny sack, understand?” I told him after checking with the counter girl that both items were available in loose form.

 

“Alamah, see… my wife is so ngeow (overly meticulous),” smiling he talked to the counter girl before proceeding as told; he seemed to enjoy such fooling around.

 

Silly idiot, we could flirt privately but not in the open, what would any company staff walking in & see this, damn… “Good boy, just get it done, don’t talk too much,” I said, laughing a little, uncertain whether he would stop this monkeying around, which was about all I could do.

 

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Out of the mini-mart I led him down the path connector towards my chalet; he behaved a little probably sensing my sternness, “Sorry, I didn’t know where my head was at that moment,”

 

Seeing his awkwardness, I relented & drew myself closer to him, “Hmm, just don’t do this again… till your probation is over, okay…” and to tone down the tense moment I continued, “comes, pass to me one bag,”

 

“No problem, I can manage,” he then asked if it wasn’t any trouble making sausage meal for him.

 

“Ah, no sweat, I did this quite frequently for Ling & her mom,”

 

I chuckled slightly, for the first time in years I really felt light hearted. For the first time since Kong’s departure, I got the kick of it, having a guy tagging behind with the groceries coming back from the wet market. Suddenly, I smiled with great satisfaction, uncontrollably.

 

To keep the conversation on, I asked, “Hey, tell me something about the dinners for the past years?”

 

“Oh, just food & singing,”

 

“You sang too…?”

 

“Of course, as boss I must sing,” he nodded.

 

“I see, so you are prepared this time. What songs are you going to sing?”

 

“Secret-t-t-t, anyway I need to confirm the soundtracks are available on the song list before deciding,”

 

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To be continued......

Edited February 20, 2015 by Larry

[Guest guest]

happy lunar new year to u too.

 

eagerly waiting for yr next posting

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

Once inside the room, we’re grateful for the air-conditioning which was left switching on when I was out.

 

My heart was pounding, as there were only two of us in this small room, despite of this; I joined him collapsing on the long sofa, but kept a safe distance from him.

 

We remained silent & enjoyed the cold breeze. After a short rest, I stood up & walked to the kitchen with all shopping bags. Putting them down on the kitchenette, I washed my hands to get ready for the cooking.

 

He walked in & sat down next to the dining table. I told him repeatedly to go watch TV, but he refused. With elbows on the table, he leaned forwards together with the chair, causing the back two legs lifted up from the flooring, “I wouldn’t disturb you, and I promise I won’t laugh, let me watch okay…”

 

What was there to laugh? ‘Got eyes no see Tarzan’, I wasn’t happy to hear that remark & wanted to proof him wrong. I decided, allowing him to watch on two conditions: One, don’t suggest anything; just watch, I have my way of cooking. And, two, for goodness’ sake, sit properly before the chair slips & get hurt.

 

He immediately agreed & apologized for causing me the anxiety, he mentioned that his parents had scolded him numerously, but he reminded doing this frequently since young, but since I didn’t like it, he would stop doing this in front of me.

 

To alleviate the quietness in the room & uneasiness of being watch, I put the CD player on the table, detached the earpiece & pressed the play button, allowing the songs floating in the air.

 

No time to waste, I bundled up my hairs & put on the apron supplied by the chalet. Placing on top of the kitchenette, the apron was neatly folded with no crease, apparently was cleaned & ironed, and I had no doubt its cleanliness.

 

Hooking the neck strap over my head, I walked to Shawn & stood in front of him with my back facing him.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

Turning my head I saw him staring at me blankly, “What’s what… tie the two strips of the apron, please-e-e-e,” 

 

“Oh… oh, sure, sure,” he answered & smiled broadly.

 

“Wow, like real,” he teased while doing the job, “100% housewife now,”

 

“Mountain tortoise… when in Rome, do as the Romans do. Here in the kitchen, what you expect?” I teased back, hopefully he wasn’t feeling offended being called a mountain tortoise, and then asked him to redo the tie which was loose, this must be his first trial..

 

“Is it okay now, girl?” he re-adjusted the tie, and then asked affectionately.

 

“Okay,” I replied, “I wonder the next time if there’re two aprons… you...” I left the talk unfinished & walked to the sink.

 

I had to commence the cooking quickly.

 

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To be continued......

Edited March 5, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

I left the talk unfinished, he didn’t press & I was relieved. Some things just were not too hard to explain, like how I wasn’t sure where he belonged, because his life just didn’t fit any working class.

 

Grabbing a frying pan & pot from under the sink, I proceeded to wash them, next cleansed the one & only potato we bought, put onto the pot & let boiling with water.

 

In order of importance, I did the sausages first, heated up the frying pan & sliced the skin until brown all over which would take about 15 minutes. While moving around the kitchen, I sensed his eyes looking at my legs & felt a little uneasy, “So free, can help prepare me a cold drink?” I asked & then walked to the refrigerator & took out an ice tray from the freezer.

 

What happened next was laughable, received the ice tray from me, I saw him struggle to crack the tray on the kitchen table but to no avail, “Damn…” he cursed lowly. And when his eyes met mine, he muttered bashfully, “Don’t laugh leh, my first time,”

 

“Ai-yo-yo, Xiu Ye (少爷pronouns in Cantonese, alias for rich man son), go put under the tap water for twenty seconds,” shaking my head while turning the sausages over in the pan, I teased him loudly.

 

He managed to dislodge the ice cubes finally, but clumsily spilling a few on the table. He put them back onto one of the tall plastic cups & I pretended not to notice. Filling up the two cups with Coke & a few ice cubes, he shook the cups & handed me one, “Done, yours…,”

 

“Thank, just leave it on the table,” I replied, watching the potato revolving in the boiling pot. Deep in my heart I hoped my drink was not the one with spilled ice cubes, although the table looked clean free of obvious dust…

 

“Wow, it smells good,”

 

“Oh yeah…? Because you’re hungry…” I admitted, aware of how the aroma of food in the air seemed to make the sizzling sausages looked palatable.

 

Scooping up the sausages from frying pan, I separated them onto two dining plates, he three & me one. Bacon was next in line; humming to myself I did the frying quickly with a little urgency, but stuck to make sure its crispness, a little curvy, but not brown & burnt.

 

“Excuse me, you cook frequently?” he asked suddenly.

 

“Not too frequent, why?”

 

“I suppose is egg first before bacon, right? My maid in Indonesia always does it this way, but you’re doing the reverse,”

 

“Well, by frying bacon first, the advantage is you get all the delicious dripping, which can be added to your scrambled or sunny egg later on, understand?”

 

“I see… you do have a point. How you manage to know this, from the cook book or what?” he asked.

 

“I love to cook & Aunty Lily is my teacher, she taught me so much about cooking & she shared her best recipes with me,”

 

“You know what? You’re one sexy girl… and surprisingly a good cook too,” he praised me for my culinary skills, “candidate as a good wife, ‘cause a good wife must know how to cook well,”

 

His words struck me as it coincided with what my deceased grandma had said in a couple of time when I was still very young… there’re after grandma quarreled with mom for not cooking to the taste she preferred (how could it be as both women were from diverse background, mom from a Baba family good in Paranakan cooking & grandma worked for a traditional Chinese family of a rubber tycoon after arriving from China during the 30’s), she would always tell me this, “boy, when you grow up, grandma will get you a wife that know how to cook well,”

 

“A good wife must be a good cook, where is the logic?” I replied sternly, “I know, I know you all male chauvinists take us girls fit for kitchen only, I know you want your wife to be full time housewife, I know that...”

 

“Stop right there,” he looked at me, “you only think you know,”

 

“Okay, then, explain it to me.”

 

“I’m not chauvinist, okay!” he protested, “my mom said this to me many times & it just came into my mind so naturally,”

 

“Okay okay, my dear mummy's boy, I hear you, now let me concentrate on the last job,” cracking one egg at a time & straight into the frying pan, I answered but didn’t wait for his reply, yeah the last job of doing the sunny egg of which two for him & one for myself.

 

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To be continued......

Edited March 10, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

Last thing to attend, I scooped the potato from the steam filling boiling pot. In the meantime Shawn who just returned from the loo stood beside me, I ignored him & proceeded to check the potato, using a fork I nodded as it stuck into the potato comfortably.

 

Shawn smiled & thanked me for taking so much effort, “Wows, how fortunate I’m to have you cooking for me, what an ABC, you’re just perfect,”

 

I was a little confused & shook my head, uncertain what he was getting at, “ABC, what’s that, American born Chinese or what?”

 

“Well, academic, beauty & culinary, you’re really a good catch,”

 

He stared at me & I immediately looked away. I couldn’t help on my glowing cheeks & didn’t want him to notice, “Hello, I’m not a fish, okay. Catch, catch, catch, and catch my foot. 口水多过茶 (in Cantonese, meaning talkative),”

 

“Your meal’s ready,” taking out the apron & stopping the CD player, I then asked him to bring his plate of food to the lounge area.

 

“Sofa? Why sofa?” he asked but continued walking towards the lounge area, “Oh, you watch TV during meal?”

 

“Shawn, I...” following behind with my plate of food & the cup of ice-coke, I struggled with my words, how to explain that I felt uneasy eating with him face to face, I needed the TV to distract him, to have some noises.  I laughed coyly, “How do you spend your time at night, sitting around & watch TV?”

 

“Cute. Since you ask, at night, I read newspapers. And yes, sometimes I do watch TV,” he said with an enigmatic smile.

 
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Sitting side by side on the long sofa, I turned on the flat-screen television so there's noise to fill the vacuum, “Shawn, are you ketchup man or do you prefer the soya sauce?” I asked.

 

“Ketchup,” he replied.

 

“We only have soya sauce but didn’t buy the ketchup,”

 

“It doesn’t matter; the sauce will do me fine,”

 

Fetching the bottle of soya sauce & sachets of pepper & salt from the kitchen, I smiled quietly. I was happy to learn that he wasn't picky about food, a common trait for the younger generations of the rich.

 

Taking a bite of sausage, I paid no attention on the black & white Malay movie showed on TV. And then I watched him tucking into the sausage hungrily, “How’s the food?” I asked amusingly.

 

“Superb,” he replied & drained his cup of coke. He then noisily shook the ice cubes & nibbled on them.

 

“You can have mine,” I said & pushed my cup towards him, “I think I’d rather have something hot. I brought some Oolong tea,”

 

“Uh-oh,” he hesitated & I got a little annoying, “Don’t worry, is clean okay, I haven’t taste it,”

 

“Hello, I’m not worry, okay…” he then started to talk dirty, “how nice if I can share with you your saliva,”

 

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To be continued......

Edited March 22, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

Ignoring his dirty minded talking I walked to the kitchen, found a kettle & filled with water, then set it on the stove. While waiting for the water to boil, I heard a familiar lyrics coming from the TV, 浪奔, 浪流… hmm, theme song for the popular TV series上海灘 (Shanghai Beach); apparently he’d switched to another TV channel.

 

 

“Shawn, please turn up the volume,” I asked.

 

”Okay… wows, Chow Yun-fat…” he replied while tuning up the volume.

 

I didn’t respond to him but instead humming this magnificent song to myself, and stopped only when I saw the water starting to boil. I turned off the burner, opened a tea bag & asked whether he would want to have a cup of Oolong tea too. 

 

Back with two cups of tea, we watched the movie together & continued our meals. I told him that the movie was shown in Singapore TV few months back, and asked whether he’d watch it too.

 

“I didn't watch the whole movie, just only a few episodes here & there,” he replied.

 

“Hey, do you know who I loved?’ I asked in a faraway voice as if I was a young school girl.

 

“Who?” he asked, “who did you love?”

 

“Chow Yun Fatt,” I pointed at the male lead appeared on the TV, and he replied that his preference was Angie Chiu as Fung Ching Ching in the show, “she is super pretty,” he added.

 

“Super pretty, really? More like a bimbo,” I shook my head, “I don’t like her & her acting was so-so,”

 

“Hey, relax lah, don’t over react, okay-y-y-y,” 

 

“What’s over react, don’t you think that her acting is so fake,”

 

“See, you spoke more like a jealous girlfriend,” with a smug smile he continued, “my dad said it rightly, women mostly dislike to hear their men’s compliments on other female’s appearance, just like my mom,”

 

“Ha-ha-ha, me your girlfriend…” I blushed & stopped short of dashing his fat hope, “damn right, must well you say I’m a sour grapes,”

 

“Women have had a reputation for jealousy & cattiness, it's normal okay,”

 
“Wait a minute, you mean, women are more jealous than men,” I asked again to ascertain his remark.

 

“Yep,” he nodded, “jealousy is characterized as a feminine trait, 正如那些喜欢吃干醋的妻子”

 

“Really…” It was music to my ear, wows, I never knew that I possessed that trait, I blushed again & smiled. He smiled too.

 

We continued to chat through the meal, teasing each other whenever opportunities arose. But the session was fruitful too, getting to know him better, on his family, his education, his business ambition & etc. Unlike fellow Indonesian Chinese, he speaks fluent Mandarin for his education in Singapore right from primary one to university, and impressed me was his business ambition wanting to turn the Singapore subsidiary to become full contract manufacturer for the OEMs (original equipment manufacturer such as Hitachi, Sony, Motorola & etc.) breaking away from the business model of the parent company in Indonesia.

 

But by end of the movie, he was yawning & it was clear that he was tired, “Oh, I think I need to get some rest, I already told Fatimah to find me an accommodation,” But before he go, he insisted to finish cleaning up though just the two dining plates & the frying pan while I took care all other utensils. “It’s only fair that you did the cooking & I do the cleaning,” I simply didn’t believe this rich man son would do such trivial housewifery. 

 

I was happy to have him keeping me company for the whole afternoon, that he’d come all this way to see me, warmed my heart.

 
I opened the door making sure no one was outside before sending him out. He whispered softly while stepping out, “Bye, have a good rest, see you tonight,” 

 

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To be continued......

Edited January 8, 2016 by Larry

[Larry]

 

 

Edited January 8, 2016 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

After Shawn had left, I took a nap & then a shower. Cladded in a bath towel I sat at the small dressing table & prepared to start the usual ritual of making up myself for the evening party. And as I took a good look at the short black dress on the hanger, I sighed lightly… yes; this would be the day, the day to conclude an unfinished chapter of my life.

 

And with a lighter hand, I did it slowly & painstakingly, it mustn’t be heavy & to look exactly what Swee Lee’s presented herself on her JC prom.

 

Dear readers, let’s I related to you a little bit about Swee Lee, the JC prom & the black dress...

 

Prom is the first adult social event for high school graduates. I attended mine together with Ling, about eight years ago & in guy mode, way before our transitioning to womanhood. Organized by the student council, I didn’t want to go initially which was scheduled after our A level exam, caused I didn’t have the money to buy a coat & I didn’t want to approach my stingy & hateful father.

 

No intention to date any other girl, Ling asked me to go with him. To entice me he lent me a sport jacket (similar to a coat but less formal designed to be worn on its own without matching trousers).

 

I was less enthusiastic, although I knew many of the participants. The girls were seemed to outshine each other with flamboyant clothing & over-the-top make-up, excepted Swee Lee, who was with skillfully applied light make-up, and her little black dress with shiny baubles compliment her fair skin that make her looked casual, fancy & sexy.

 

Swee Lee, an art stream student with no Christain name versus me from science stream, I got to know her in the school harmonica group. Despite her self-absorbed & self-important, I somehow had a crush on her.

 

After she won the prom queen for the evening, I did something silly, “Can I have a dance with you?" I asked before I could stop myself.

 

“Sorry,” she said, just like that, no hesitation to be found in her tone or facial expression.

 

“Huh?” her rejection caught me completely off guard as I blurted in an embarrassingly high-pitched squeak. I gaped at her in a stunned silence & her smirk turned me onto a deep shade of red. Placidly eating her popcorn, piece by piece she then walked away.

 

Hurt was not a deep enough word to describe what I was feeling over this rejection. I told Ling about this & added angrily, “One fine day I’ll look prettier than her,”

 

“Siao (crazy) ah, what wanting to look prettier,” she (he, Ling) laughed at me, “go find a pretty girlfriend & prove to her, like most men would be doing,”

 

One week after the prom I found a black dress similar to the dress Swee Lee worn in a boutique at Katong Shopping Centre & bought it down immediately by borrowing money from Ling, I was so worry that the dress would be gone & paid Ling back after two months working as a part-time tutor.

 

And here it was, the black dress, eight years; yeah eight years, the dress had been lying at the bottom of my wardrobe for the past eight years, and was now finally going to face the sunlight, to realize my vow made eight years ago...

 

 

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Last thing to complete the copycat was about the hair. Just like Swee Lee I wore my hair in a low bun, with pins gripped between my lips, I worked at coercing my hair to get the desire style. It took some time to get it right, but I was satisfied with the final outcome.

 

 

And at the moment stepping outside the room, I couldn’t wait to agree that this hateful girl Swee Lee did make a right choice, caused in this beach resort with the afternoon sun, it was perfect to wear a bun, not only the bun kept my hair out of my face, off my sweaty neck & I didn’t have to worry about humidity frizzing everything up.

 

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To be continued......

Edited April 17, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

With 15 minutes remain; I arrived at the multi-purpose hall. At the check-in table outside on the corridor, it was deserted except me & a HR assistant manning the checking in. “Sorry, sorry, sorry,” I apologized profoundly for holding her up to have her fun inside the hall but won’t dare to ask if I was the last one checking in. I collected my invitation card stating my table number & a lucky draw number.

 

Stepping in, the multi-purpose hall had been transformed to a banquet hall, to cater for a dinner party of 160 employees & their families. What a mega event, Fatimah & her HR team did a great job of putting the loose pieces together. I noticed partitions were used to halve the hall size just to cater for a 16 tables arranged next to the stage.

 

And as I walked a few more steps onwards to table #1, I felt a little bashful; notwithstanding these were primarily company employees & no stranger to me. I shouldn’t be shy, but subconsciously I felt unease, probably because of the many ‘first’s I was this evening… my maiden company function & wondering how well I could fit in… feeling nakedness on my lower torso for not wearing pantyhose beneath my short black dress… and wearing a hair bun for the first time… and etc.  

 

Timidly, I walked into the hall; the large hall was full of people, alive with chatter & laughter. Small groups were formed, waiters & waitresses busy serving drinks, people carrying cocktails floating from one conversation group to another, kids doing hide & seek.

 

I knew people were staring at me & few were visibly lecherous. Restlessly I said hi to some of them while walking past & made an attempt to look for Fatimah. Keeping my tone cheerful while squeezing my face into the friendliest smile I could manage, I ignored the conversations overheard in-between a few & their spouses, ‘our manager,’, ‘wows, so young,’ & etc., hmm… insecurity or not, I found it necessary to attach myself to Fatimah before responding to these cordial remarks.

 

“Hey, Miss Koh,” someone called out from behind. Saving me from the sheer predicament, it was Fatimah coming out of a group. 

 

“Hello!” I turned around; advancing toward her & my voice seemed unnaturally loud, like a drowning person found a floating wood, I was relieved.

 

“Why so late,” she responded as I came up. She held my hand enthusiastically.

 

“Wows, you look so difference, with your hair tied up in a bun,” remarked Fatimah, and I smiled, “You too, kakak (sister), so sexy,” I noticed that she wore a kebaya, tight-fitting two-piece dress showing off her vital statistics.

 

“Let go to our table, dinner is about to start,” she said. A tray of cocktails floated at us, we took one each. With her slender arm resting in mine, we walked towards our table. Along the way; a photographer from the shipping department mingling around the crowd came & took a few pictures on us. She was so sweet, literally putting her arm around my waist & pulled me tightly to her for the photo taking. 

 

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At our table #1, we found the accountant, his wife & a young man his son. Fatimah talked to his wife first & then introduced me to her. I talked to the wife for a moment, I asked her how her son school study, and she nodded in agreement as I talked about some subjects which required private tuitions. She said her son was having the same problem & asked if I had children, and I said, "No, I am not married, but I have a younger sister just about your son age,"

 

“I’m sorry,” She smiled apologetically & I smiled satisfactorily instead. As far as I was concerned, it was a happy misunderstanding, she never doubt on my fake sexuality, the effort of transforming me being a woman proof to be effective. 

 

We stopped talking as the MC came to the stage & asked all people to get seated. “Where is our boss?” turning to Fatimah I inquired lowly.

 

“Somewhere in the crowd,” she replied as we turned & looked around for Shawn, and suddenly she said, “Jennifer, I’m in deep trouble,”

 

“What’s matter?” I leaned forward & asked eagerly.

 

A pause, then, taking a long breath & straightening her shoulders, she remarked in a shaky voice, “I can’t get a room for the boss; the resort is full house,”

 

“I beg your pardon,” I exclaimed in surprise, “but…” I said cautiously, not to undermine her intelligence, “the rooms are quite spacious,”

 

“Yeah, I wanted to add beds & do some shuffling to free out a room for him but he refused, he told me not to disturb anyone one, he said is okay to sleep in his car,” she then asked impetuously, “what do you think?”

 

“Not your fault what… he didn’t confirm that he can come,”

 

“I should have book an extra room,” she answered, “I hate myself for being so careless,”

 

We stopped our conversation as Shawn, the three other members of the organizing committee & the photographer joined us shortly. And Shawn sat to my immediate left. 

 

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To be continued......

Edited May 1, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

Shawn came in; showing no sign of fatigue he nodded & gave me a wink before sitting down.

 

First dish was served, halal, Malay style & spicy. And we waited, till Shawn invited us to tuck in; he then stood up dipping his chopsticks to grab some vegetables unto my plate. I was stunned & red faced but the awkwardness quickly dissipated as he did the same to Fatimah who was seated on his right.

 

It was a leisurely dinner with much idle chit-chatting & laughter, no one said things that were uncalled for & was professional, except this one… Still harping on her child education, the accountant wife asked, "How many kids you like to have?" Ahem, I was taken aback; what’s a三八 (silly, reckless or inappropriate behavior), strange thing did happen, anyway, I replied that I was still young to think about it.

 

Half way through our meal, someone started to talk about politics, and about the last general election. Everyone seemed to open up & joined in, which was very nice. Being apolitical, I smiled lightly, nodded my head at times & listened quietly. Shawn chipped in & talked about his country Indonesia; about his government didn’t understand the people's concerns & thought only about making more money. I was surprised to see such emotion expressed by him, contrary to his background of a rich man’s son.

 

Just like the last function I’d attended with Kong, there’re games, group photo takings & lucky draws. I got lucky during the second round of draw & won a bottle of perfume, it meant I would not be eligible for the grand price, but that’s okay, no guarantee for the grand prize & was better to get one than none. The dinner went on smoothly, till Shawn was asked to go on stage to give a welcome speech. 

  
He spoke for a few minutes, welcomed everyone with a beaming smile & thanked everyone for supporting him, but then his speech took a sudden twist, he talked about the new management team he’d gathered, and he mentioned my name... I remained seated in silence, I was red-faced, I hated my name was mentioned, I hated… hated… and hated…

 

I distracted myself, thinking of something else till Fatimah hit my lap under the table snapping me out of my daze, alerting me the impending toast. Shawn raised his glass & said to all to toast for more good years. We stood up, raised our glasses & did the same. 

 

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The meal had ended, the chalet staffs were clearing the tables, replacing table clothes & champagne was served. And some were busy transforming the stage into a beautiful backdrop for karaoke. The hall light was dimmed subsequently & disco music was played, the MC came to the stage & spoke over the microphone urging people to come down to the dance floor, his humour sent everyone laughing, he said though many people may think he is too fat to dance but he still have lot of energy, “show your energy, that's why we are here tonight,” 

 

There was dancing now on the floor; couples holding each other & stayed in the corners, and a great number of factory girls dancing in groups while young eligible men ogling at them on the boundary. Shawn looked at me & smiled, then leaned forward & asked, “Do you want to dance with me?”

 

"Sorry," I said, affronted, “I don’t like disco music,” and sounding nervous I continued, “moreover people are watching,”

 

“Who cares, just be yourself,” Shawn countered, “anyway if you don’t want to you don’t have to,” 

 

“I…” seeing his disappointment, I relented & looking for an excuse, “I only like things like Cha-cha or the Waltz.”

 

“Cha-cha & Waltz, no problem…” he laughed & then turned & spoke to Fatimah. I knew he asked Fatimah to go & do the arrangement, but I stayed quiet hoping that the DJ didn’t carry the relevant music.

 

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To be continued......

Edited May 11, 2015 by Larry

[Chan Chee Wai]

I just came across this thread....and i found 647 postings here...it will take my time to read..haha..and i will read it posting by posting start from the 1st.to show my support to you. I have rated your thread...5stars.

Thank you for replying my personal message and questions to you in the morning about Teresa Teng.

[Larry]

C. Me No Gay – Shawn
Chapter 17: Perhaps I’m Okay With Love, For Now

 

In the meantime, he inquired about how much I knew about cha-cha & I told him about my three weeks crash course where cha-cha was one of the subjects (reference 13th July 2010 posting). And came his turn, he boasted about his chairmanship in the uni’ Social Dance Club & his wide range of knowledge on many types of dance.

 

There were good exchanges between us but his next statement really pissed me off, “it is not about swaying your hip rhythmically, to do well you & your partner must put passion & desire into the dance, flexing seduction,” I disagreed but didn’t want to contest him out of courtesy, I thought main purpose of dancing was to socialize, to express oneself, to have fun, enjoying its rhythmic beats, and not with the intention to seduce your dance partner.

 

Fatimah didn’t return & I thought it would be a no show but I was wrong, a cha-cha piece of music was heard on the air suddenly. "Alright,” shouting of triumph, the delight was written across Shawn’s face.

 

He reached over & touched my arm, “let’s go, no more excuses…”

 

“Wait a minute,” I told him & turned to talk to Fatimah who just returned to her seat. “Sure, can’t wait to see you dancing,” her reply left me no change to retreat as I swapped my pump with her high heel. I stood up & twisted my body, yes… the size fitted, I was able to strut around freely & my bum did get its lift. I felt like a sarong party girl instead of a high school girl attending her prom, it was genuinely a mood changer, I smiled lightly & nodded to her, the high heel specifically put this “edgy” nonsense to bed.

 

“Ready…” standing up the smirking Shawn extended his hand. Fatimah was watching, the accountant & his wife were watching & probably many people nearby were watching, I got no choice but stretched out my hand. He lifted & kissed the back of my hand, “you look amazing,” before leading me down to the dance floor. Glancing down at my painted toes, I lowered my head at his compliment, I felt powerless & enchanted.

 

He paused himself in the middle of the dance floor but I pulled him to the corner near to the stage. Looking around, I realized the floor was quite empty, only one couple who danced amateurishly, apparently staying in the corner seemed meaningless.

 

“Ready…” positioning himself he asked.

 

“Wait… people are watching us,” that right, the news of boss dancing with his manageress had attracted a sizable number of people moving their chairs close to the dance floor, I was red-faced, I wasn’t used to under this kind of spotlight.

 

He gazed into my eyes & said with urgency, “ignore them, let them see & let them admire us, understand? We cannot make ourselves a laughing-stock,”

 

His words seeming to give me strength, I smiled coyly & replied, “yes boss, I’ll try,”

 

“No trying, do your best, dance well & show your attitude, Jennifer,” not waiting for my reply he hold my right hand & took the lead by taking a forward step with his left foot. Moving my right foot backward to compliment his, we started to dance; he did the Forward Basic Movement, followed by the Back Basic Movement, whereas I did the opposite, the Back followed by the Forward Basic Movement.

 

I took careful, measured steps, wanting to appear confident, even though I felt considerably less than that. He muttered ‘Slow slow & quick quick slow’ repeatedly which was quite irritating, I chuckled but didn’t tell him to stop the counting, ‘damn it, got eyes no see Tarzan’.

 

Discontinued the Basic Movement & letting go my hand, he started doing a few other variations, mirroring, spinning, revolving & etc., making no attempt to hide his expertise & appreciation of the cha-cha music. And prominently was his energetic hip swaying, liked peacock showing off his array of elaborate feathers to attract his female mate, gosh… wasn’t this the seduction he had talked about earlier on?

 

I acted blur continued doing my routine, and after a short while he swayed to my side facing the same direction & said quite loudly, “hey, come on, you’re way too tense,”

 

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To be continued......

Edited May 21, 2015 by Larry

[Larry]