Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Alcohol Is A Crutch

Concerned about his heavy drinking, a man went to see a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist tells him, “You use alcohol as a crutch.” 

The man responds, “So how come I fall over when I’m drunk?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Lucky Day

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, “You’ve got to make love to me – this very moment!” 

His eyes light up and he thinks, “This is my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, “Thanks,” and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzle he asks, “What was that all about?” 

She explains, “The egg timer’s broken.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Turn It Around

A man walked into his lawyer's office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. 

He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. 

The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. "That tastes like shit!" he shouts. 

The man just laughs and tells him, "Just turn the apple around." 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Abducted By Aliens

A husband was abducted by aliens one day. The alien said, "Take me to your leader!" 

The husband replied, "Sorry, my wife isn't home."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Turn the Counter Back A dumb girl made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a friend that she worked with at a bar. The friend suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."  "That doesn't matter at all. All that matters is that I am able to sell this car."  "Alright," replied the friend. In a quiet voice, she said, "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."  The following weekend, the dumb girl took a trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the friend saw the dumb girl and asked, "Did you sell your car?"  "No!" she replied. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Smoking

A man has a small penis and is embarrassed to tell his girlfriend, so he says to her, "Let’s play a game. You take off your clothes, shut your eyes, and let me feel a body part, and guess which part it is." 

She said, "Ok." So they went in to the bedroom. She took her top off and let her boyfriend feel her breasts. He guessed the right part and said, "All right, my turn. Close your eyes." 

He takes his pants off and puts his penis in her hand. She quickly pulls her hand away and says, "What are you doing? You know I don't smoke!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: KY, Glove, and What Is That? 

A man is having his first proctologic exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. 

As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 

When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?” 

The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Virgin No More

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give their daughter a college education. Now, driving home from the train station, after her first semester away at college, farmer Hinds was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered confidentially, “I have a confession to make. Pa, I ain’t a virgin no more.” 

The old man shook his head sadly, “After all the sacrifices your Ma and I made to give you a good education, you still say ‘ain’t!”

[worldangel]

Joke: All Over His Face

A penguin is having problems with his car so he drops it off at the workshop and asks the mechanic to check it out while he goes and gets an ice-cream. (Penguins like ice-cream as everyone knows). 

It is very difficult to eat an ice-cream with flippers and the penguin gets it all over his face. Soon after, he returns to the workshop and asks what the problem was with his car. 

The mechanic says, “It looks like you've just blown a seal." 

The penguin replies, “No, I've just been eating ice-cream." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Refuse to Swallow

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. 

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time, it should cause the ship to turn over and sink!" 

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realize the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." 

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who's Having An Affair?

Pete and Joe, two successful restaurateurs were discussing business when Pete suddenly dropped his head and solemnly announced, “Did you know that my married daughter is having an affair?” 

“Is that so,” said Joe. “Who’s catering it?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Time For A New Career

Doctor Phil had known many interns during his long career, but none ever made as many misdiagnoses as young Charles. 

After making the rounds one day, and watching him make a dozen wrong diagnoses, Phil took the intern aside. “Tell me,” the doctor asked, “have your ever considered working somewhere else?” 

“Where, for instance?” asked the intern. 

“Wall Street,” replied Phil. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Booties

A baby girl and boy are having a conversation. "I'm a girl,” replies the girl. 

"How do you know?" asks the boy. 

"I heard my mommy say it". 

"I'm a boy,” replies the boy. 

"How do you know?” 

The baby boy takes of his blanket off and says, "See my blue booties?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fluffy's In Heat

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat. 

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?" 

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told her to go around the block and come back straight home. When she returned she was alone. 

Her dad asks, "Where is Fluffy?" 

Little Sally says, "Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Trouser Worm

The teacher was some months pregnant and as she stood in front of her 5th grade class, Betty asks, "Why is your stomach swelled up?" 

So she said, "Can anybody tell me why my stomach is swelled up?" 

Jane said, "You were bit by a snake!" 

Billy said, "You were bit by a spider?" 

"No, neither one of those is correct," she said. 

Little Johnny then says, "I know why teacher." 

"Okay, why Johnny?" 

"You were bit by a trouser worm." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expected Salary

A blonde is filling up an application form for a job. She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address, etc. 

Then she comes to column on "Salary Expected". She is not sure of the question. After much thought, she writes "Yes". 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do You Sell Vibrators?

A little old lady, shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy, asks the salesperson, "Do you sell vibrators?" 

Surprised by the request, the sales person says, "Yes, we do." 

The little old lady says, "Well, how do you turn the damn things off?!?!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Good Little Soldier

The stylish dressed young man swayed into the Army recruiting office and enlisted. 

After subjecting the man to an extensive physical and psychological examination, one of the board members declared, “Well, fella, it looks to me like you are going to make a good little soldier.” 

“Fabulous,” replied the young man. “When can I meet him?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Playing Second Fiddle

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him. He shouts at her, “I will play second fiddle to no one!" 

She replies, "Second fiddle? You're lucky you're still in the band!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: More Than I Intended

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" 

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” 

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole. 

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars. “Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid. 

“I know. This is from your Grandma.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Make My Users Satisfied A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."  The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the middle east."  The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."  The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes."  Genie replies, "Uh, let me see that map again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Wishes

A man was walking down the road then he kicked a bottle. All of the sudden a genie popped out, “I will grant you three wishes." 

The man smiled and said," Ok, I want to be soft to the touch, but hard as a rock and surrounded by pussy." 

The genie smiled, "Wish granted." 

The man turned into a tampon.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did You Do That?

A woman was talking to her husband and tells him, "Guess what? Ttoday I spent 150 dollars on bras." 

He looks around as if confused. “Why did you do that, you are practically flat,” he responded. 

With her hands on her hips and aggravation in her voice, she said, “In that case, why do you buy trousers?”

[worldangel]

Joke: I'll Show You My Battle Scar

It was a surprise party for one of the girls in the office who was leaving to get married. Most of the other girls wanted to know if the prospective groom was a man of means. 

“Well,” said the bride-to-be, “he surprised me by saying we were going to spend our honeymoon in France.” 

The gals tittered excitedly. “How did he spring it on you?” they asked anxiously. 

“Well, we were discussing it,” she replied, “When he said as soon as we were married he would show me where he was wounded in the war.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pesticide Condoms

One day a man goes to visit his doctor and asks, “Do you have any pesticide condoms?” 

The doctor says, "You mean spermicidal?" 

"No," the man says, "I mean pesticide because my wife has a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it."

[worldangel]

Joke: KY, Glove, and What Is That? 

A man is having his first proctologic exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. 

As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 

When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?” 

The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!”

[worldangel]

Joke: His Thingy Is Out

The farmer and his pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window, the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater." 

The man looked sad and said, "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go." 

"Oh, I understand. But if that is the case, you should not come in either." 

The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!” So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. 

The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out!" 

Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty." 

"Well, normally I would agree with you, but this one is eating my popcorn!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Against Your Will?

Mrs. La Grange goes to into a confessional. She says to the priest, “Father, I confess I’ve committed adultery.” 

The priest says, “Was it against your will?” 

Mrs. La Grange says, “No, father, ‘twas against the cupboard, and ya shoulda' heard the china rattle!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Get Too Mean

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already busy bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer, and have one yourself!" 

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk. 

The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Want, Yes?

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin. A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. 

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows. “You wantt, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal. 

“You bet!” was the excited reply. 

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You Need Tacks Too?!?!

Pharmacist: May I help you sir?

Client: Yes… I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some…

Pharmacist: You need some protection. 

Client: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?

Client: Uhhh. Medium, I guess. 

Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.

Client: Tacks!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fluffy's In Heat 

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block. He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat. 

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?" 

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it. He told her to go around the block and come back straight home. When she returned she was alone. 

Her dad asks, "Where is Fluffy?" 

Little Sally says, "Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Trouser Worm

The teacher was some months pregnant and as she stood in front of her 5th grade class, Betty asks, "Why is your stomach swelled up?" 

So she said, "Can anybody tell me why my stomach is swelled up?" 

Jane said, "You were bit by a snake!" 

Billy said, "You were bit by a spider?" 

"No, neither one of those is correct," she said. 

Little Johnny then says, "I know why teacher." 

"Okay, why Johnny?" 

"You were bit by a trouser worm."

[worldangel]

Joke: Judge, Whose Coke Is it? 

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, and the custody of their children created a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should keep custody of them. 

Then man also wanted custody and the judge asked him to justify his demand. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Have To Go Pee

A teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her student the following question, “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." 

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" 

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." 

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" 

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'" 

The teacher fainted.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Embroidered Panties

The young woman had just purchased some lingerie and asked the clerk if she might have the sentence 'If you can read this, you are too damn close' custom embroidered on her panties. 

“Yes, madam,” said the clerk. “I’m quite certain that can be done. Would you prefer block of script letters?” 

“Braille,” said the young woman.

[worldangel]

Joke: Find Us Some Girls

Two drunk guys are standing at the bar getting their acts together near closing time. “I’ve got an idea,” says one. “Let’s have one more drink and then go and find us some girls.” 

“NO,” replies the other one with a wink. “I’ve got more than I can handle at home.” 

“Great. Then let’s have one more for the road and go up to your place.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Charge You Fifty Bucks

After stopping his car on a deserted section of town, the young man turned to his date and made some rather expected advances. 

“Just a minute,” the girl said, pushing him away. “I’m really a prostitute and I have to charge you fifty dollars.” After he unwillingly paid her, they made love. Later, the man sat silently at the wheel. “Aren’t we leaving?” the girl asked. 

“Not quite yet,” the young man said. “I’m really a cabdriver and the fare back is fifty dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: Be Gentle this Time

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.” 

The wife replied, "Okay Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." 

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest," 

"That’s not true," she replied, "but the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Never Have to Work Again

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him 3 wishes. “I’d love an ice cold beer right now," he asked the genie. 

Poof! A beer appeared. Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island surrounded by beautiful women." 

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him. For his final wish, “I wish I never had to work again!" 

Poof! He was back at his desk in the government office.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Never Even Kissed A Man

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" 

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings; she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." 

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess." 

The mother says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" 

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" 

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" 

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: He Took Me With Him

Sally says to her friend, “My husband is so absentminded. Yesterday we were making love on the couch when the doorbell rang, and he got up and answered it.” 

Her friend says, “What is so absentminded about that?” 

Sally replies, “He took me with him.” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Come Out of the Same Place

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" 

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. 

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Something Up in the Air

The young college physician was bewildered by the procession of unhappy young women regularly visiting his campus clinic for pregnancy tests. 

“There seems to be something in the air this time of the year that causes young girls to get pregnant,” he commented to an older colleague. “What it is, I wonder?" “Their legs,” replied his friend.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Stop Pushing

"Yo Momma is so fat…" 

"How fat is she?" 

"Yo Momma is so fat, she got hit by a bus and then said, 'Stop pushing!'"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Hear Any Shots?

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chicken shit joint are you running?” he claimed. 

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked. 

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!” 

“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?” 

The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Can You Do It Again?

A man wants to have his penis enlarged. He goes to a specialist who recommends a new procedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis. 

The man goes for it and he now has a humongous penis. One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun, and slides back down under the table. 

The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible," she says. "Can you do it again?" 

The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She's A Real Doll

 

Carl was describing his new secretary cheerfully to the family at dinner, “She’s efficient, personable, clever, punctual, and darned attractive, to boot. In short she’s a real doll!” 

“A doll?” said his wife, with a frown. 

“A doll!" re-emphasized her oblivious husband. 

At which point, their five-year-old daughter, who knew a little something about dolls, looked up from her plate to ask, “Does she close her eyes when you lay her down, Daddy?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Should Cry

A lawyer’s wife died and at the funeral service, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read, 'Here Lies Kate, wife of Attorney J. Smith, Specializes in Divorce and Malpractice.' 

After the burial, Smith burst into tears. His brother said, “You should cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” 

Smith said, “You don’t understand. I’m crying because they forgot to include the phone number.”