Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover Your Camel 

Two elderly ladies walked out from their house to smoke a cigarette. It started to rain. So one lady pulled out a condom, cut the tip off, and put it on her cigarette. 

The other said that’s a good idea. So she went to the store and asked for a condom. The store clerk asked what size. 

She replied, "One that fits a camel."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Honey, I Must Confess

The new bride turned to her husband as they entered the bridal suite of the hotel.

“Honey,” she said, “I must confess that I haven’t any idea what to do tonight.” 

“Dear,” her husband snickered, “you are putting me on!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Hear Any Shots?

 

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?” he claimed. 

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked. 

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!” 

“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?” 

The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: See that Dog

A brunette and her blonde girlfriend are jogging together. 

The brunette says, "See that dog with one eye?" 

The blonde covers her left eye and says, "Where?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Half A Million Battered

Two cannibals are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “Did you know that in this country alone there are over half a million battered women?” 

“No shit,” the other guy says. “And all this time I’ve been eating them plain.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: We Eat It

A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light. Bernard said, "We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets." 

Gerard said, "It is useful so that we can read in the evening." 

Luc said, "We need it for TV and radio etc." 

After all kids said what they thought, little timid Isabelle raised her hand. "Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?" 

"We eat it," said Isabelle. 

"What do you mean, honey?" 

"I'm not really sure. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night, 'Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.'” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lackluster Sex Life

Worried about their lackluster sex life, the young wife finally persuaded her husband to undergo hypnotic treatment. 

After a few sessions his sexual interest improved, but during their lovemaking, he would occasionally rush out of the bedroom. 

Overcome by curiosity, she followed him to the bathroom. Tiptoeing to the doorway, she saw him standing before the mirror, staring intently at himself and muttering, “She’s not my wife…. She’s not my wife….”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Life Is Bad

 

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me." 

Then the cucumber said, "My life is worse. People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me." 

Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Does She Close Her Eyes?

 

Two buddies at the bar, drinking away, were comparing the sexual behaviour of their spouses. “Hey,” one asked, “does your wife close her eyes when you’re having sex with her?” 

“She sure does,” replied the other. “She just can’t stand to watch me having a good time.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Upside Down Birds Nest

Two gophers are sitting on one side of the street, wondering what it is like across the way. So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side. 

Once he gets there he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel. Just as he does this, a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole. The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw. 

He says, “All I know is, it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cotton Balls

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Sir, do you have cotton balls?" 

The pharmacist replies, "Lady, do I look like a teddy bear to you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: No Balls & No Brain

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How Come They Cost So Much?

 

One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. 

The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?" 

The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drilling for Oil

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife. 

“What’s the problem?” 

“I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the magnate. 

“I don’t know if that’ll fly,” replied the lawyer. “I mean, your wife isn’t a piece of property, you do not own her.” 

“Damn right,” the tycoon began, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Now That's A Vase 

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers. She says to her friend, "Shit, I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers, he always expects something from me”. 

Her friend says, "What’s wrong with that? I think its sweet." 

The girl replies, "I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days.” 

"Why don't you just buy a vase?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Hear Someone Coming

 

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. 

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear somebody coming." 

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?!?!? Look at these breasts! They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" 

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me." 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's That Lump In Your Shorts?

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going. A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. 

After a while his friend says, "What's that lump in your shorts?” 

"That's a tennis ball," he replies. 

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had tennis elbow, and I thought that was bad enough!"

[worldangel]

Joke: By the Foot or By the Inch

A man in a bar has had one too many. When a beautiful lady sits down next to him, he turns to her and says, “Hey, how ‘bout it babe, you and me, getting it on? I’ve got a couple of dollars, and it looks like you could use a little money.” 

“What makes you think I charge by the inch?” she said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Touch It, Timmy!

 

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is." 

"A toy?" 

"No." 

"A new pencil?" 

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work." 

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why Can't You, Doc?

 

A veterinarian is feeling ill and goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long they have been occurring, etc. 

She interrupts him, “Hey look, I’m a vet. I don’t need to ask my patients these kinds of questions. I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?" 

The doctor nods, looks her up and down, writes out a prescription, and hands it to her. "There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down." 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Sex Life Is A Holiday

 

Benny was talking to his best friend Sam. "Don't tell anyone, Sam, but my Sadie once again had a headache last night." 

"Really?" said Sam. 

"Yes," replied Benny, "it's been like this for some weeks now. I've been thinking that they must have named a Jewish holiday after my sex life." 

"Which one?" Sam asked. 

"Passover,” replied Benny. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Wife Is Unfaithful

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” 

“Relax,” says the shrink. “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cover Your Camel

Two elderly ladies walked out from their house to smoke a cigarette. It started to rain. So one lady pulled out a condom, cut the tip off, and put it on her cigarette. 

The other said that’s a good idea. So she went to the store and asked for a condom. The store clerk asked what size. 

She replied, "One that fits a camel."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Keep Having the Same Dream

 

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink. 

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.” 

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks. 

“I push them away,” the man says. 

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks. 

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head On Top of Heels

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like." 

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Wealthy Widows Visits

 

When her gardener suddenly took ill, the wealthy widow decided to visit him in the hospital.

 

At the visitor’s desk, she announced, “I’ve come to see Mr. Jones in room two-eleven.” 

“Are you his wife?” asked the clerk. 

“Certainly not! I would never be married to a gardener!" answered the arrogant widow. “I’m his mistress.” 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Life's Saddest Disappointment

 

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class, "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?" 

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said, "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal." 

The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer. Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?" 

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye." 

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who had threatened to complain to her parents and principal. He said, "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you. First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Dreadful Two-Storey House

 

A man is standing in front of the judge, asking for a divorce. The judge says to him, “All right, sir, please explain to me why you want a divorce.” 

“Because,” says the man, “I live in a two-storey house.” 

“You live in a two-storey house?” says the judge. “What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?” 

“Well," says the man, “one story is, ‘I’ve got a headache’ and the other story is, ‘It’s that time on the month.’” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In My Country I'm A Queen

 

One of the attendants on my flight was a gay and flamboyant young man. He seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came walking down the aisle and told us that, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super!" 

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and foreign woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to please raise your tray, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." 

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." 

To which he attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Don't Do It!

A dumb blonde girl suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. Unexpectedly one late evening she goes to his place, opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. 

Overcome by grief, she opens her purse takes out the gun, and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No Honey, don’t do it!" 

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Have A Confession

 

A newly married couple was in bed on their wedding night for the first time. Before they began, the wife said, a little nervously, "I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I've been with another man." 

"Well, said the husband, "I have a confession to tell also. You ain't the only one!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Were There?

 

Being married for some time the wife began questioning her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of women before” she said. “How many were there?” 

The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, but there were more than a couple of women. Let’s just leave it at that.” 

She continued to plead. Finally, her husband gave in. “Let’s see,” he began, “there was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep Off the Grass

 

A punk rocker was brought to the emergency room. The patient had purple hair, and an assortment of tattoos. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. 

On the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, “Keep off the grass.” 

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing; “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Sure Are Lucky

 

A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him, opens his fly, and reaches in. 

Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car. He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest. When the police get to the scene, the guy is still buckled in and alive. 

The cop says, “Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed. You sure are lucky.” 

“Lucky? Go look in her hand!” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Stages of Marital Sex

 

The three stages of marital sex: 

Honeymoon sex... Where you have sex three or four times a night. 

Vacation sex... Where you have sex ten or twelve times a year. 

Oral sex… Where you stand on the opposite side of the room and shout 'FU'! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Own Funeral

 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. 

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral… I’m a gynecologist.” 

And at that point, the proctologist fainted. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What About the Smell?

 

A husband and his wife were driving down the road when a car ahead of their's hit a skunk. Being the humanitarians that they are, they stopped, picked up the skunk, and put him in the back seat for there was a vet right up the road. 

They proceeded to the vet when on the way the driver sees police lights in the rear-view mirror. Panicking, the wife says, "What should I do with the skunk?" 

"Put it up your skirt!" the husband replies. 

"But what about the smell?" 

"Just pinch his nose shut!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head to Toe with Hair

 

Three boys were sitting on the sidewalk eating ice cream. They were admiring three Escalades parked on the street. The first boy says, "When I grow up I am going to be a doctor so I can buy a black Escalade." 

The second boy says, "When I grow up I am going to be a lawyer so I can buy a gold Escalade." 

The third boy says, "When I grow up I want to be covered from head to toe with hair." 

The other two look at him and ask why. The third boy says, "because my sister has a small patch of hair and owns all three of those Escalades. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You're Getting Out Soon

Two prisoners talking in their cell, one said to the other, "You're getting out soon." 

"That's right." 

"Are you going straight, or back into politics?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Job Is Better   The divorce attorney and the gynecologist were discussing the merits of their profession.  The attorney said, “I love my work. Every day women come into my office, tell me all their problems, and pay me good money for my advice.”  The gynecologist topped him, though. “Well, in my line of work,” he said, “women come to my office, take off their clothes, tell me their problems, and pay me good money for my advice.”

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: It's For My Schnauzer

 

Frank’s neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. 

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." 

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." 

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 

The pharmacist said, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Today Is the Viewing

An old man was walking around the nursing home hallway all gloomy. A nurse going by asks, “What is wrong?" 

“My penis died,” he replied. The following day the man was walking around with his penis hanging out of his pants. 

The nurse asked, "What is going on?" 

“Yesterday my penis died, so today's the viewing.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do Farts Have Lumps?

 

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well, the trees are definitely green." 

The teacher said, "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall." 

The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." 

The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." 

From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" 

The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." 

Then Johnny said, "Well, then I definitely shit my pants!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Missing Diaphragm

 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early-afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As things get hot and heavy, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Have A Larger Chest

 

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, ''I can count higher than all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' 

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is, dear.'' 

The next day, the blonde said, ''I can say the alphabet higher than anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?'' 

Her mother replied, ''Of course it is dear!'' 

The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, ''I have a larger chest than all the kids in my class, do you think it's because I am a blonde?'' 

Her mother replied, ''No dear, I think it is because you are eighteen years old." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Dare You In Front of My Wife

While eating a local diner, Mr. And Mrs. Mars exchanged horrified looks as the trucker sitting next to them lets out an enormous belch. 

Indignantly tapping him on the shoulder, Mr. Mars says, “How dare you belch like that before my wife! 

Looking up from his soup, the trucker says, “Sorry. I didn’t know it was her turn.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Not A Country Club Member Three female members of an exclusive country club walked into the women’s shower room and were shocked to see the lower part of a man’s anatomy behind the door of one of the shower stalls. “Well,” said one of the ladies, “that certainly is not my husband!"  The second one added, “He isn’t mine, either.”  And the third, the youngest of the three, said, “Hell, he isn’t even a member of this club!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Come on the Bus?

Two older women meet at bingo. "You're late this week Ethel," says one woman to the other. "Did you come on the bus?" 

"Yes," replied Ethel, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I'm Pulling Out Too!

 

Little Johnny asks his dad one day, "Dad, can you buy me a bicycle for my birthday?" 

"I'm sorry Johnny, but I've just lost my job and we still owe the bank $80,000 for the house. We just can't afford to buy you a new bike." 

The next morning Johnny's dad sees him walking out the front door with his suitcase. He asks him where he's going and Johnny tells him, "Last night I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, but she told you to wait because she was coming too." 

The dad is left speechless, not knowing how to respond and react. Johnny continues, "I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here with a $80,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Bending Over

Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween. After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled. 

While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?" 

The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bulls racing towards them. He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull." 

After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?" 

The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."