Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Bullshitting Me

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be pr ovided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Were You Doing In Bed?

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. 

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. 

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked. 

“I was in bed,” she replied. 

“What were you doing in bed this late?” 

“Getting a second opinion.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Then She Was Gone

A woman had been in a coma for a while. Her doctors told her husband that they had tried everything they could and that she was near death. 

There was only one experimental procedure left to try to revive her and that would be oral sex. The husband agreed to try. They provided privacy for the couple and watched the monitor of her condition... blip ... blip... BLIP... then flat line... she was gone. 

The husband came out shaking his head and said, "I hope I didn't choke her."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Penguin Likes Ice Cream

 

A penguin is driving on a real hot day and suddenly his car starts acting up. He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car, he goes to the Ice Cream Parlor across the street. 

He gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers. There is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car. He asks the mechanic, " We'll, what does it look like?" 

The Mechanic replies, " It looks like you have blown a seal." 

Penguin says, " Oh No! Its ice cream, REALLY!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Only Get Laid Once  If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.  You get eaten once.  It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.  You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all...  The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!  So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Under the Bed?  Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman."  "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"  "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."  "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"  "She said, 'come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guest in a posh hotel comes ... 

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat.

 

I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter.

 

 “It might be quite difficult.”

 

The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the Army:
Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!
Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!
Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can't see.
Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won!

A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game

piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!"

She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss.

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.

"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.

"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes."

She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel."

[worldangel]

Joke: A police recruit was asked during ...

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He said: "Call for backup."

[worldangel]

Joke: Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The habit...

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Businessman on his deathbed...

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.
"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"
The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."
Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis.'

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Old Man and the Sea 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling their adventures on the seas. 

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" 

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off." 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?" 

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. 
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked. 
"Well," said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems.

 

Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"

Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'

And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes , one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl ! How are you? Looks like you're doing great ,you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you . What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied ," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Send the Wine Back

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his
regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of

Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying

it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man,

then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read:

"Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Is Up There?

 

Two little kids saw a big ball in the sky one evening and an argument ensued between them. The first one said it’s the sun and the second one said it’s the moon. 

Suddenly, they saw an old man walking by so they decided to ask him. "Sir, we would like to know what is up there, is it the sun or the moon?" 

The man looked up and said, "Sorry, I can't tell you. I don't live in this neighborhood."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lunatic On the Road

A man calls his wife on her cell phone and tells her to keep an eye on the road. 

She asks her husband, "Why?" 

He replies, "There is some lunatic on the road driving in the wrong direction." 

She then replies, "That’s funny, I’m continuously dodging cars."

 

[worldangel]

  Joke: Watch that Sleeve

A man in a bar slipped off his jacket and slung it over the back of his chair. One of the sleeves hit a woman sitting behind him.

“Watch what you are dong with that sleeve,” she complained.

“It’s all right,” the man said. “There’s no ‘arm in it.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling Hysterical

 

As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying conclusion, the young woman began fidgeting in her seat. 

The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired quietly, “Feeling hysterical?” 

“No,” she whispered, pointing to her boyfriend. “He’s feeling mine.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: If You Want to Have Sex

An old deaf couple was sitting on their couch when the wife wrote, "Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left boob once. If you don't want to, squeeze my right boob twice." 

The husband replied, "If you want to have sex, grab my dick once. If you don't, grab it a 150 times."

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Have Chapped Lips 

Two farmers walking through a field. One stoops down and dips his fingers in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips. 

The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing. The first one replies, "I have chapped lips!" 

The second one asks him, "Does it make them better?" 

He replies, "No, but it stops you from licking them!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Was It Mrs. Murphy?

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church. Pat says, "Mike, you wait here. I'm going to run in for confession, it's been a long time." 

Pat enters the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, I have sinned with a married woman." 

The priest asks, "Was it Mrs. Murphy?" 

"No, Father," was the reply. 

"Was it Mrs. O'Boyle?" 

Again the reply was, "No, Father." 

"Was it Mrs. O'Grady?" 

"No, Father. I'm sorry, but I cannot say." 

So the priest told him to say two Hail Mary's for each time he had sinned with the woman. Back on the street, Mike said, "Well, how did you do?" 

Pat replied, "Just fine. I kept me mouth shut and got three new prospects!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How's Your Wife?

 
Two old men are sitting on a park bench. One says, "So how's your wife?" 

The other man replies, "I think she's dead." 

"You THINK she's dead?" 

"Well, the sex is about the same but the dishes are piling up."

[worldangel]

 Joke: One of Those Pills 

This 90 year old man goes to his doctor and says, "I want some of those pills I hear advertised that will cause me to rekindle the old fire in me!" 

"Oh," replies the doctor, "You must want Viagra?" 

"No," he says, "I just want some Ginko Biloba, so I can remember what it feels like to HAVE sex!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You're In Great Shape

 

An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over. "How do you do it?" 

"Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me! For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me." 

Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said. 

"I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who’s' been peeing in the fridge."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A police officer sees a man driving ...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

 

He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." 

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses.

 

He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" 

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Harassment?

Do you know what sexual harassment is?

It's when a man talks dirty to a woman.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Which bus...

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Shoot, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor ...

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy. 

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay. 

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000" 

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient. 

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Polar Bear

2 polarbears are walking around in the artic. a father and son pair. The son looks at the father and says, " Dad i got a question, are u sure I am 100% polarbear?". The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son your 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polarbear?" The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"

"OK" the son says

Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polarbear are You sure there is no blackbear or grizzly bar in me??" "Yes son your 100% polarbear, I am 100% polarbear and so is your mother. Why do u keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about u but I am freezing"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A blonde and a redhead met in ...

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. 

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.' 
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.

So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Seems an elderly gentleman had...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. 

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." 

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

 

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

 

"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Most Suspicious Woman in the World 

“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world,” complained the stressed husband to a sympathetic friend. 

“If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Secret is Pumpernickel Bread 

Two men are walking on the boardwalk. One says to the other, “I’ve got to run. Have to hurry home to make love with my wife.” 

The other man looks astounded. “Make love to your wife? You are as old as I am! Nearly ninety-five years old! What do you mean you have to go home and make love to your wife?" 

The first man says, “We have a great sex life. We make love three time a day.” 

“You are kidding!” Says the other man. “How do you do it?” 

The man whispers to his friend, “Pumpernickel bread. That’s my secret.” And he runs off to meet his wife. 

The other man starts to walk home. “Hmmm,” he thinks to himself, “pumpernickel bread. Well, it’s worth a try.” So he goes to a nearby bakery. He goes up the woman at the counter and asks, “Do you have any pumpernickel bread? 

“Yes,” she says. 

“How much do you have?” asks the old man. 

"Oh, we have a few shelves of it,” replied the woman. 

“Well,” he says, “give me all the pumpernickel bread you have.” 

“All of it?!” she exclaims. “It’ll get hard!” 

“How come,” says the man, “everybody knows about this but me?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Squirrel Who Runs Up

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. 

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter. Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?" 

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Big BBQ

A couple is in their backyard. The wife bends over to pick something up. Her husband looking at her behind says, "Wow, your ass is bigger than the BBQ!" 

She gets upset and says, "No, it's not!" 

After bit arguing and he gets a tape measure. He measures the BBQ and her butt. Sure enough, her but is bigger than the BBQ. 

Silently she disappears into the house. That night, both are in bed. He moves toward her and wants to have some fun. She says, “Do you think I’m going to fire up that big BBQ for one little wiener?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quick Wit 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. 

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain." 

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." 

"But officer, I just wanted to say...." 

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" 

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Silk Pyjamas

A man calls home to his wife and says,"Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes lots of Walleye, some Blugill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies.

"I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"

The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange...

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"