Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny's mother decided ...

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd".

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was walking down the beach ...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, "I want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, "I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.

 

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Royals fan

A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever. "Hey," says the bartender, "No dogs allowed in the bar."
"Oh please?," begs the customer. You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals."

"You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar," says the bartender. "No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!"

Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded. "That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG could like baseball?! I'm curious though....if he gets that excited when the Royals get a hit, what does he do when they get a home run?"

"I don't know," confesses the owner, "I 've only had him for five years."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy goes to a girl's house for ...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. 

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. 

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. 

He says, "What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mechanic was removing a...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Finally, a definition of Marketing ...

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In A Very Intimate Place

A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten. “He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!” 

“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse. 

“Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there, it says 'Swan.’’’ 

“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned. 

“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Thanks, Officer

A man is driving along and a police man stops him and says, "Alcohol, drugs?" 

And the man says, "No thanks officer, I've got everything." 

Then he drives off.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Does It Work?

A group of four men often got together to play racquetball.

 

After the game three of them men showered in the locker room, then went and had a few drinks in the club bar.

 

After this had been going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who always left, “How come you never hang around and get cleaned up and have a few with us?” 

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that he didn’t want to be seen in the shower with the other men because he felt his penis was small. 

So the first man asked, “Does it work?” 

“Of course, it works extremely well.” 

So the first man asked, “Would you like to trade it in for one that looks great in the shower?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Come Again

A young woman walked into dry cleaners and walked up to the counter. 

She handed the guy her blouse and as she left he said, "Come again!" 

She replied, "No, it was ketchup this time."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Out Like My Grandfather

Two men are talking about how they want to leave the world. “I’d like to go out like my uncle,” says the first man. “He died at the race track.” 

The second man says he’d like to go out like his grandfather. “He just died peacefully. Fell asleep and never woke up or made a sound. Nothing like the people riding in his bus.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spit It Out

A teacher thought it would be nice to let her class guess some jellybeans flavors. So the next day she brought some jellybeans and the kids got most of the answers correct. 

"This next one is going to be a little more difficult. Here's a clue, it's what your Mom calls your Dad.” 

Right away a little boy named Tony spits it out and shouts, "Spit it out, it's an asshole!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Unattractive Ladies Man

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender and says, “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive, in fact he’s ugly as sin, and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?” 

“Well,” said the bartender, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

 

[worldangel]

  Joke: Worst One in the House 

A traveling salesman is in a small town for a couple of weeks when he really begins to miss his wife.

 

After another two weeks, he just can’t take it anymore, and decides to visit the town brothel. 

He goes up to the madam and says, “Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst bow job in the house.” 

“But, sir,” says the madam, “for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best.” 

“No, no,” says the man, “you don’t understand. I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stamp Collector

This elderly lady is a widow two times and she decides to get married again. On the wedding day she shows up at the church in a white dress. The preacher comes over and says, "Excuse me, but what are you doing?" 

She replies, "Preacher, I came to get married." 

He said, "Don’t you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white on their wedding day?" 

She responds, "But Preacher, I’m still a virgin." 

"I married you two times in this church before. How can you tell me that you are still a virgin?" 

"I am and I can prove it. Look, my first husband was a gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it. My second husband was a stamp collector... boy do I miss that guy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Doesn't Smell Or Make Noise

An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems. "Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn't smell or make noise." 

The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks. After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, "Doctor, I don't know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!" 

The doctor said, "I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let's work on your hearing."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Had Her Three Times

Two perverts are watching a film in a movie theater. When Charlize Theron appears on the screen, one pervert says to the other, “You know, I’ve had her three times.” 

A half hour goes by and Jessica Chastain is on the screen. "You know, I’ve had her four times,” the first pervert says to the second pervert. 

Soon, Emma Watson appears on the screen. The second pervert turns and says to the first, “I guess you had her too, huh?" 

“Be quiet, I’m having her right now..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ballroom

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store.

 

He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store.

 

When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. 

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?" 

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" 

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Stamp Collector

This elderly lady is a widow two times and she decides to get married again. On the wedding day she shows up at the church in a white dress. The preacher comes over and says, "Excuse me, but what are you doing?" 

She replies, "Preacher, I came to get married." 

He said, "Don’t you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white on their wedding day?" 

She responds, "But Preacher, I’m still a virgin." 

"I married you two times in this church before. How can you tell me that you are still a virgin?" 

"I am and I can prove it. Look, my first husband was a gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it. My second husband was a stamp collector... boy do I miss that guy."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sidewalk Fall

An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, "Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?" 

Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to practice law. 

"No, no," one replied. "We want to go to America and fall down on sidewalks."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Feel Like A New Man

 

Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said out loud in the crowded waiting room, “I feel like a new man!” 

“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Call It The Rodeo

Two guys are in a bar, having a beer and discussing different positions. The first one announces, “My favourite position is ‘the rodeo.’” 

“How does that one work?” asks his friend. 

“Well,” the first one replies, “you get your wife on all four on the bed, then do it to her doggy style. When she really starts enjoying it, you whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position, too.' Then you try and hang on for eight seconds!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: $100 Tattoo

A man came home to his wife one day with a one hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis. 

His wife asked, "Why would you do such a thing?" 

He replied, "First, my father always told me to keep a hundred dollars in my pocket. Second, I always like to see my money grow. And third, any time you want to blow a hundred dollars, you don't even have to leave the house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not On Three Drinks

Joe is getting drunk in his local bar when a gorgeous woman walks in. Joe buys her a drink, then another and another. 

After some small talk, he asks her back to his place for a good time. “Look,” says the woman, “What do you think I am? I don’t turn into a slut after three drinks, you know!” 

“Okay, so how many does it take?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Nudist Camp

“How did you like your first stay at the nudist camp?” asked one bachelor to his friend. 

“Well,” replied his friend, “the first three days were the hardest.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You've Had It

A ninety-year-old man goes to a hooker. When he gets undressed, she looks at his limp member and says, “Mister, you’ve had it.” 

Without missing a beat he says, “Thank you very much… how much do I owe you?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Double Check Your Answers

 

A student brought dice into the examination hall for the multiple-choice exam. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The teacher just gave a glimpse as he passed by since it is common to have students trying their luck. 

Very soon the student finished his whole paper. Half an hour later the student sat up and started tossing the dice again. 

The teacher became curious and approached the student. "Excuse me, why are you tossing the dice again if you've already finished all the questions?" 

"Well sir, my mom always says that I should double check my answers."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Dear Friend of Mine

During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks the students, "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" 

"Just a minute, I have to go piss." 

"That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?" 

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." 

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" 

"I would say, 'Darling, please excuse me for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Together At Last 

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, “Well, at least they’re together at last.” 

The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?” 

“None,” said the friend. “I meant, her legs.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Doing Like the Truckers Do

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other. His mom notices and watches him. 

He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bite out of the cats tail, and hops a couple of steps. Then he does it again, pops a couple M&M’s, takes a bite out of the cats tail, and hops a couple steps. Finally his mom comes out and says, "Johnny, what are you doing?" 

He says, "I’m being a trucker mom. Popping some pills, eating some p*ssy, and moving along."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are You Here For?

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. “What are you here for?” asked the first child. 

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child. 

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!” 

The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?” 

“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child. 

“Oh my Goodness,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born, I did not walk for a year!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Like the Way You Think

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" 

Little Johnny says, "None." 

The teacher says, “Listen carefully... Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" 

Little Johnny again says, "None." 

The teacher asks, "Can you explain that answer?" 

Little Johnny says, "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left." 

The teacher says, "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think." 

After a while little Johnny raises a hand and says, "Teacher, I have a question. There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting, and one is sucking her ice cream cone, which one is married?" 

"The one sucking the cone replied the teacher.” 

"No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Go to the Back Seat

This guy and his girlfriend were at 'Lookout Point', where the younger crowd went to make out. They started heavily making out guy thinking he was going to score asked the girl, "Do you want to go to the back seat?" 

She replies, "No!" 

So respecting her choice he kindly went back to making out with her. Ten minutes later he asks again, "Do you want to go to the back seat?" 

Once again she says "No!" and he goes back to work. Another ten minutes go by and he asks, "Do you want to go to the back?" 

She once again says, "No!" 

Pissed off he says, "Why the hell not?" 

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hands On My Steak

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. 

"Are you crazy? yells the customer. "With your hand on my steak?" 

"Sorry," answers the waiter, "I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fitting Your Counters

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. 

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. 

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Worst One in the House

A traveling salesman is in a small town for a couple of weeks when he really begins to miss his wife. After another two weeks, he just can’t take it anymore, and decides to visit the town brothel. 

He goes up to the madam and says, “Here is a hundred dollars. Give me the worst bow job in the house.” 

“But, sir,” says the madam, “for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst blow job. As a matter of fact, you could get the best.” 

“No, no,” says the man, “you don’t understand. I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: We Used It All Up

The groom awoke the morning after his wedding to find his innocent young bride in tears. 

“Why are you crying?” he asked. 

“Look,” she sobbed, pointing to his resting manhood. “We used it all up the very first night!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Now Everyone Has It

"Doctor,” said the man on the phone, “my son has scarlet fever!” 

“Yes, I know,” replied the doctor. “I came by your house and treated him yesterday. Just keep him away from the others in the house and …” 

“But you don’t understand,” said the troubled parent. “He’s kissed the maid!” 

“Well, that’s unfortunate. Now we’ll probably have to quarantine her…” 

“And, doctor, I’m afraid I’ve kissed the girl myself.” 

“This is getting complicated. That means you may have contracted the disease.” 

“Yes, and I’ve kissed my wife since then.” 

“Great,” exclaimed the doctor, “now I’ll catch it too!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Part Did You Get?

Two migrants arrive in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." 

"Odd," the other one replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." 

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. 

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Shit In Your Eye

Positive thinking is like this...

A little bird in the sky,
You look up, and Shit in your eyes…

You don't mind, you don't cry,
You just Thank Goodness, that COWS DON'T FLY!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Stuck In Her Arse

Two women walking home after a heavy night of booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her knickers and threw them away the other used a ribbon from a wreath. 

The next day their husbands were talking. "We'd better keep an eye on our wives," one said. "Mine came home without her knickers." 

"You think that is bad," said the other "mine came home with a card stuck in her arse, saying, 'From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Not A Worm

Little Sally accidentally walks in on her father going to the bathroom. Shocked, she runs to her mother and cries, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big fat ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!” 

That’s not a worm, sweetie,” comforts the mother. “That’s a very important part of daddy’s body. If daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here. And now that I think about it … neither would I.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Box of Crabs

A man boarded a plane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator, which she did. 

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. 

Shortly before landing in Chicago, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and enjoyed them herself.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Do Men Always

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions. "Go ahead caller, you're live on the air!" 

The caller asked, “Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?” 

To which the doctor handily responded, “That's easy, too avoid criticism.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Make Up Your Mind

This woman goes into a dentist's office.

 

After he is through examining her he says, "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." 

The woman then says, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" 

To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Rates Have Gone Up

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you one hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth." 

"One hundred dollars! Why? I understood that you charged only twenty dollars for such work." 

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Sweatshirt or Windbreaker

A girl says to the salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker?" 

The salesman replies, "Well, that depends. Are you going to sweat or are you going to break wind?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Girlfriend, A Wife, A Boyfriend, & A Husband

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 

A: 45 lbs. 

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 

A: 45 min

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It Worked on the Other Side

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV. It was about breast implants. The wife said, ”I wish I had bigger breast.” 

The man said, ”You don’t have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with toilet paper.” 

"How would that work?" asked the wife. 

The man said, "Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and it's gotten bigger."