Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Knew You Were A Virgin

A man and his girlfriend are making love in his car for the first time. 

Afterwards the man said, "If I knew you were a virgin, I would have been more tender." 

The girl said, "Oh, if you were not so extremely anxious, I would’ve had time to take off my silk stockings."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Family of Storks

There is a family of storks, a mommy stork, a daddy stork, and a baby stork. One day, daddy didn't come home for dinner. Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing. "I was making a young couple very happy," he replied. 

About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner. Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom came home late the next morning, they asked what she was doing. "I was making a young couple very happy," she replied. 

A few days later, baby didn't come home for dinner. Mom and dad were very worried. When he came home very late the next morning, they asked him where he was. 

Baby just grinned and said, "I've been scaring the shit out of college students!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Think I’m A Bridge

A man with multiple bruises and lacerations rushed to his doctor’s office. “Doctor, I just don’t understand,” the man said. “I think I’m a bridge.” 

“My goodness,” the doctor said. “What’s come over you?” 

“One semi, a pick-up truck, and two cars.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's the Story?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. 

She says, "What's the story?" 

He replies, "Just some crap in the carburator." 

She asks," How often do I have to do that?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Graduates

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why Did You Stop?

A man and his wife are in bed. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. “Oh, that feels good,” she says. 

His hand moves to her breast. “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.” His hand moves to her leg. “Oh, honey, don’t stop.” 

But he stops. "Why did you stop?" she asks. 

“I found the remote.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Medium and Rare

"What's the difference between medium and rare?" 

"I'm not sure." 

"Two inches." 

"Two inches?" 

"Six inches is medium… but eight inches is RARE!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tastes Like Shit

The pharmacist proudly showed Mr. Johnson his newest product. “It’s an apple that tastes like a woman.” 

Curious, Mr. Johnson took a bite. He spat violently, “This doesn't taste like a woman, this tastes like shit!" 

The pharmacist turned it around. “Sorry,” he said, “you bit the wrong side.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Am I the First?

 

“Tell me,” the husband asked his wife on their wedding night, “am I the first man you ever slept with?” 

“No,” the woman shook her head. “I’d have recognized you when we met.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What's A Taxidermist?

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" 

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." 

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" 

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" 

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." 

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Name is Tucker

There were three brothers who moved to a town. They all saw this beautiful girl and decided that they would each take her on a date and that she would pick whichever one she liked the most. 

The first one went to her house and her father answered the door. The young man said,” Hello my name is Eddie, I'm taking her for spaghetti, is she ready?" 

So they went on the date. The next brother went up to the door and the father answered it again. He said," Hi I'm Steve, were going for Chinese, is she ready to leave?" 

And they went on their date. Finally, the third brother went to pick her up for their date and once again the father answered the door. He said, "Hi, I'm Tucker..." and the farmer shot him on the spot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man's Perfect Breakfast

Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice. 

On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover. 

Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Largest Diamond

A man was in a museum looking at a rare diamond. 

He quickly turned to the dumb museum assistant who was guarding the Diamond and asked, " Where are the largest diamonds found?" 

"In baseball fields," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Please Enter Password

Bob was helping Jim get his computer set up. 

Jim had to enter a password. Jim put in “Penis”. 

The computer replied, "Password to small. Please try again."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Car Dealership Screw Job

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town.

 

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. 

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? 

“Heavens no, we bought it,” replied one lady. 

“Then why don’t you drive it away?” 

“We can’t drive.” 

“Then why did you buy it?” 

“We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed… we’re just waiting.”
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Name is Tucker

 

There were three brothers who moved to a town. They all saw this beautiful girl and decided that they would each take her on a date and that she would pick whichever one she liked the most. 

The first one went to her house and her father answered the door. The young man said,” Hello my name is Eddie, I'm taking her for spaghetti, is she ready?" 

So they went on the date. The next brother went up to the door and the father answered it again. He said," Hi I'm Steve, were going for Chinese, is she ready to leave?" 

And they went on their date. Finally, the third brother went to pick her up for their date and once again the father answered the door. He said, "Hi, I'm Tucker..." and the farmer shot him on the spot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Hump One

A guy takes a trip to Ireland, walks in a local pub and orders a beer. Strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. "I’ve had a hard life," he says with a deep Irish accent. 

The man asks, “What’s so hard about it?" 

"You see that wall over there? Two years of my life I spent on that wall. Do they ever call me Patrick the wall builder? No. You see that road over there? Five years of my life to build that road. Do they ever call me Patrick the road builder? No." 

"Bar keep, a shot for this man," says the man next to him. 

"You see that house over there? Ten years of my life to build that house, ever call me Patrick the house builder? No, no... BUT YOU HUMP ONE GOAT!!!! AND YOU ARE PATRICK THE GOAT HUMPER FOR LIFE!!!!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Infrequently

There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married. The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed. 

She asked her friend, "Well, what about sex?" 

The man replied, "Infrequently." 

The woman thought for a moment, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice Legs!

A man goes to a bar, and sees a large girl dancing on a table. 

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" 

She's flattered and replies, "You really think so?" 

The man says, "Oh, definitely! Most tables would've collapsed by now."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Person Inside Me

 

A young woman was so excited to learn she was pregnant that she had to tell her friends right away. 

It was about midnight when she called the last one. "I can’t believe I have a person inside me!" she screeched. 

"So do I!" said the friend. "Can I call you back in an hour?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Between the Legs of My Wife

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Problem

A guy goes to this doctor and says, “Doc I have a problem.” 

“What kind of a problem?” the doctor asked. 

“Well, before I go to work my wife jumps me and we have sex three times. When I get to the office, my secretary and I have sex, and then at lunch we have sex and a ‘quickie’ at the end of work. Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again before dinner, after dinner, before we go to bed, and before we go to sleep. All this happens every day.” 

“So,” asks the doctor, “what’s the problem?" 

“When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”
 

[worldangel]

 

                                                  Joke: Love Is A Temptation

 

Love is a temptation caused by a sensation,  In which a man sticks his location into a girls destination, Which doubles the population for the next generation. Do you need an explanation or do you need a Demonstration?

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why Is A Woman Like KFC?

 

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken? 

Because after that succulent breasts and tender thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Dog Says

A man is pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. 

The police officer goes over and says to the man, “My dog says you have weed in the car.” 

The man responds, “Well, I don’t know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's the Charge?

A policeman brings a man to the police station and calls over the desk sergeant. 

“We arrested this man beating the living daylights out of some poor guy for no reason at all. What should we charge him with?” 

“Impersonating a police officer,” replied the sergeant.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just With Your Wife

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor.

 

He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour’s sleep a night. 

Finally, the patient asked, “What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?” 

“Just with your wife,” responded the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who's Been Messing Around?

One by one, the vice presidents of a large corporation were called into the CEO’s office.

 

Then the junior executives were also individually summoned. Finally the summer intern was called in. 

“I want the truth, Jack,” the boss whispered. “Have you been messing around with our accountant?” 

“N-no, sir,” the young man stuttered. “I-I’d never do anything like that, sir!” 

“All right, good,” said the CEO, “then you fire her.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: This Is A Special Frog

A beautiful woman walks into an exotic pet store and asks about unusual pets.

 

The young man working the counter reaches into a tank and pulls out a small frog. 

“This is a special frog,” he explains. “If you disrobe in front of it, it will perform oral sex.” 

The woman is thrilled. Three days later, the woman returns, and she is not happy. “This frog doesn’t do anything!” 

The young man looks baffled. “You must be doing something wrong.” 

“No, I’m not. I take off my clothes, and hold the frog near me, and he just stares.” 

“Well, let me see you try it.” 

Nervous, the woman complies and strips down. The frog just sits here, blinking. 

“Now,” the young man says to the frog while getting on his knees, “I’m only going to show you this, one more time….”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does Daddy Eat Light Bulbs?

Sara was having breakfast with her mother one morning and suddenly Sara asked, "Mommy, does daddy eat light bulbs?" 

Her mother said, "Why heavens, no Sara! Why do you ask a question like that?" 

Sara replied, "Well, last night I heard daddy say, 'If you turn the lights off, I'll eat it.'”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Most Suspicious Woman in the World

 

“My wife is the most suspicious woman in the world,” complained the stressed husband to a sympathetic friend. 

“If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Too Many Characters

A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" 

"Yes, ma'am?" 

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" 

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian. 

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" 

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Can Girls Have Babies?

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" 

"No," says his mom, "Of course not." 

Little Johnny runs back outside, and his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Steak and Beer for A Quarter

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays. 

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. 

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." 

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." 

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. 

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Medical Advances in Blood Work

A Doctor sent out a memo with the latest medicine findings. He wrote: Here's good news for all of you who need blood transfusions, although this may be of some interest to any of you. 

The AMA (The American Medical Association) researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. 

So far we've learned it tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

[worldangel]

Joke: Why All the Attention?

A handsome guy goes into the hospital for some minor surgery and, the day after the procedure, a friend stops by to see how he is doing. 

The friend is amazed at the number of nurses who come by the room with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give him back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asks. “You look fine to me.” 

“I know!” grins the patient. “But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-five stitches.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Five Feet and it Reaches the Floor

Dennis is worried about the size of his penis, so he goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, “Here take these pills every day for a week.” 

Dennis is so frustrated that the first night he downs the whole bottle. A couple of days later, he and his wife go back to see the doctor. Dennis says, “Doc, take a look at this.” 

He takes off his pants and he’s got a five foot penis that reaches the floor. The doctor says, “Goodness, I’m going to have to operate.” 

His wife says, “How long do you think my husband will be on crutches?” 

The doctor says, “On crutches?” 

She says, “You are going to lengthen his legs, right?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Built Like A Baby

A couple on their honeymoon is just about to make love when the girl says, "I have something to admit. I am a little bit flat.” 

She takes off her shirt. He looks at her and says, "I love you just the way you are. I also have a confession. I am kind of built like a baby down below." 

She takes off his pants and she faints. When she finally comes too, she says, "I thought you were built like a baby?" 

He replies, “I am, 9lbs and 21 inches.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hasan the Genie

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. “If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?” 

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.” 

“I don’t understand,” said the second. 

"Well," says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' And I said, ‘No shit.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?" 

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, was tutored, and even seen video clips on how, but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynaecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do.... GOODNESS I miss him! But now that I married you, I am really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?" 

"Because," said the new bride. "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man's Perfect Breakfast

What's the definition of a man's perfect breakfast? 

His son is on the cover of the Wheaties box, his mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and his wife is on the back of the milk carton.

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Implants and Viagra

In recent years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra that on Alzheimer’s disease research. 

Which leads one to wonder... By the year 2035, will there be a large number of people wandering around with big breast and erections who can’t remember what to do with them?

[worldangel]

 Joke: Don't Touch Mine

A little boy and girl were in a bath tub taking a bath.

 

The girl starts getting a little curious and reaches out to touch the little boy's penis. 

The little boy pushes her hand out of the way and says, “Hey! Don’t touch mine, you already broke yours."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Golden with a Hops Flavour

Two young fellows decided to open a microbrewery in the foothills. After several years of careful work they produced a product with a golden straw like colour and a good strong flavour of hops. 

They sent it to the chemical lab at the State Department of Food Safety and after waiting impatiently for three weeks the lab analysis came back. 

"Dear Sirs... Our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates that your horse has diabetes."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Partner's Hand

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. 

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. 

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!" 

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: No Big Thing

The attractive young college junior was filing a report with the campus police regarding her encounter with an exhibitionist. 

“Those nuts always seem to bother the nicest, most innocent girls,” one officer said sympathetically. “I’m terribly sorry you were exposed to this experience.” 

“Oh, that’s all right,” said the undergrad. “It was really no big thing.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Drink Limit

An attractive woman was asked by the party host whether she would like another drink. 

“No I mustn’t, she replied. “My husband limits me to one drink.” 

"Why is that?” asked the host. 

“Because,” she replied, “after one drink I can feel it, and after two drinks anyone can.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are My Witness

In front of her husband, a woman blamed the housekeeper for her missing underwear. 

The housekeeper turns to the woman’s husband and says, "Sir, you are my witness, you know I never wear panties!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Go Get Your Maw

A rural Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. 

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!" 

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out. 

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

 

Edited March 21, 2018 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pop A Life Saver

 

Two women were discussing their heavy smoking habits. 

“I get such a yearn for a cigarette,” said one, “that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard.” 

“That’s fine for you,” huffed her friend, “but I don’t happen to live in a house that’s right on the beach!”