Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: You're Looking Pretty Skinny

Two crocodiles that haven't seen each other for a while run into each other in the Ottawa river. 

One says to the other, "You're looking pretty skinny, what are you eating?" 

The other replies, "There's not much to eat but politicians, and once you shake the shit out of them, all there is left is a briefcase and an asshole."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Sell You Arsenic

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" 

"To kill my husband." 

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" 

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. 

He takes the photo, and nods, "I didn't realize you had a prescription."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it True, Dad?

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.” 

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: This Is A Math Class

The math teacher in 3rd grade class asked Al, "If there are 4 birds in a tree and a hunter shoots down one of them, how many would there be left?" 

Al replied, “None, since all the other birds would fly away after the first shot." 

The teacher said, "Al, this is a math class. The answer should be four minus one. However I appreciate your imagination." 

The boy sought permission from the teacher to ask a question. Al asked," Three beautiful girls were eating an ice cream cone. One is lapping up the ice cream, another is nibbling the cone, and the third is sucking the ice cream from the bottom. Which one of them is married?" 

The teacher smiled and replied, " Probably the third one". 

Al said, "Miss, the one with the wedding ring is married, but I like your imagination!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Either Jack or Jill

 

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.  Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.  Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off?"  Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Killed Your Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country road when out onto the road strayed a rooster. 

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at a nearby farmhouse and rang the doorbell. The farmer opens the door. The man, somewhat nervously, said, “I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him.” 

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Just Keeping In Practice

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" 

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself. 

The first old lady had a stroke. 

The second old lady had a stroke. 

But sadly, the third old lady couldn't reach!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Only One in the World

On their wedding night, Bruce displays his member to his new virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him. 

He's gone to a conference for a couple of weeks. He returns, only to be questioned by his new wife. "Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world? Harry at the drug store has one too!" 

"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine." 

"Oh. Well, why did you give him the better one?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling Tired and Dragged Out

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy call girl. “I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?" 

The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict. “Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard. I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Need More Tail

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries a few more times with no success. 

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need more tail!” 

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Wife's In Labour

 

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke! 

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?” 

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

 

[worldangel]

   Joke: Having My Ass Bleached

Two women having lunch together are discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” 

The second woman says, “Oh that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my ass bleached.” 

To which the first replies, “Whoa! I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pull Both At the Same Time

Alison Jane wanted a parrot for a long time. Finally she got the nerve to go get one. She walked into the down town pet store and she found the one parrot she wanted. 

She asked the clerk why the bird had strings on its feet. The store owner replied, "Well, this bird used to be in a circus, so when you pull the string on the left leg it says, 'hello there'. And when you pull the string on the right leg, it says, 'bye'. 

Allison Jane then asked what happens when you pull both at the same time? 

"Wakk, I’ll fall off my perch you idiot!" replied the parrot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's My Fraternity Pin? 

 

“Hey, Lisa,” said the undergrad to his girlfriend, “how come you’re not wearing my fraternity pin?” 

 

“It was such a nuisance, Carl!” Lisa said playfully. “All the guys were complaining that it scratched their hands.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh, Ohhh, Mmmm

The spinster was feeling extremely tense, so she went to see Dr. Feluchi. 

The analyst concluded that she was suffering from repressed sexual desires, and proceeded to hypnotize her in an effort to relieve the problem. After she was in a trance he asked her to spell “bedroom”. 

Staring ahead, the young woman said, "B… E… D… R… Oh… Ohhhh… Mmmmmmm.” And just like that, her stress was gone.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Work for A Condom Company

A man boarded a plane with 5 kids.

 

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” 

“No. I work for a condom company. These are customer’s complaints.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did She Roll?

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. 

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude." 

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" 

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. 

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" 

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Standing Straight Up

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish." 

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning, if my husband's thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right, I fish off the right side of the boat." 

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?” 

Lisa replies, "Then you don't go fishing!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You Must Think I'm Dumb

A policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. “Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly.

“You must think I’m dumb,” said the officer. “You stand here, I’ll get it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Source of Intelligence

Andy asked his father, “From who do I get my intelligence from?”

His father replies, “It must be from your mother, because I still have mine...”

Content with the answer, Andy turns and walks away. His father then completes his thought, "… and she's batshit crazy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He's Serving Her

Little Johnny went to visit his grandfather's farm for a holiday. While grandfather was showing him around the farm, he saw a cock doing his business with one of the hens, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?”

Grandpa replied, "That's a cock, and that's a hen, and he's serving her."

Further on, Johnny saw a horse doing his business with a mare, and he asked, "Grandpa, what's that?”

Grandpa replied, "That's a horse, and that's a mare, and he's serving her."

At dinner that night, Grandma said, "Grandpa, will you please serve the turkey?"

At that, little Johnny jumped up and said, "If he does that, I'm having a hamburger!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's Wrong, Friend?

A guy walking on the sidewalk passed by a young man sitting on a bench with his head hanging low crying. The man asked, "What’s wrong friend?"

"Well," the young man replied, "I live in an expensive house, I have a hundred dollar a day allowance, I get a new sports car every other month, and I'm surrounded by beautiful women."

"Then why do you feel so down?" asked the stranger.

"Because," replied the young man, "I forgot where I live!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Suck It Out

Two kids are camping, Jim and Earl. Earl had to take a pee and a snake bit him. He screams, "I’ve been bitten by a snake! Run to a doctor to see what to do!”

Little Jim runs to a doctor and the doctor says, "You got to suck the venom out and then spit it out."

Little Jim runs back and he asks, ”Where is the bite?"

"On my penis," Earl replies. "What did the doctor say?"

Jim replies, "I'm sorry Earl, but the doctor said you're going to die.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Your Best Friend A Call

Two friends are having drinks and talking about their vivid dreams. “Last night,” says the first man, “I dreamt I was playing a round of golf at Augusta. It was a gorgeous day and I was shooting the round of my life.” 

“That’s amazing,” the second man says. “Last night I dreamt I was in bed with two women.” 

“What!” his friend cries, “You had two women and you didn’t even give your best friend a call?” 

“I did,” explains the second man, “but your wife told me you were out golfing.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $10,000 for One Bite

A little old man is taking his evening walk when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He gets closer and says to her, “Hey lady, would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?”

The woman turns back and says, “Listen you, I’m not that kind of a woman! Got it?”

But the very determined old man kept walking a few feet behind. He then says, “Would you let me bite your breast just once for $10,000 dollars?”

The woman stops, thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars... okay, just once! But lets go to that dark alley.”

They go to the alley, where she takes off her top to reveal the most gorgeous breast he has ever seen. He grabs them and starts fondling them slowly, caressing them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you going to bite them or not?”

“Nah,” says the old man, “costs too much…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Windows Open at Night

"My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all the windows open." 

"And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?" 

"No, he's a thief."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ever Since My Wife Found It

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

 

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring.

 

He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?” 

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly. 

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?” 

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Drunk Date

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand. The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?” 

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Strongly Suspect

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard. 

Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?" 

The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect it'd be your parents."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Are All Your Cattle?

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. 

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." 

"But, where are all your cattle?" 

"None have survived the branding."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did He Get Anything?

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand. The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?” 

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stork Brings Them

Little Johnny asks, “Mommy, where do babies come from?" 

His mother replies, "The stork brings them." 

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Who the hell is having sex with the stork?" 

His mother fainted. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Your Future Lover 

A high School cheerleader attends a wedding with her family. “Put a piece of wedding cake under your pillow, and you will dream of your future lover,” says her mother. 

The next morning, the mother asks, “Who did you see in your dreams?” 

Her daughter replies with a big grin, “The football team.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling My Hair Out

Two guys start a business. They invested all their money into it. Something goes wrong and they lose all their money.

 

The one guy is going crazy and pulling his hair out. The other guy is perfectly calm just standing there with his hands in his pocket. 

The first guy says to him, ”How can you just sit there? I'm over here pulling my hair out!" 

The calm guy, just standing there with his hands still in his pocket, responds, "Oh, I’m pulling my hair out too."

[worldangel]

 The 26,000^th post

 

Joke: The GREAT Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. 

So the girl looks at him and says, "You must be a dentist?" 

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?" 

The girl replies, "Easy, you keep washing your hands." 

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a GREAT dentist!" 

The guy says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" 

"Easy... I didn't feel a thing." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Cuckoo Clock

A man went out for a night with "the boys". He promised his wife that he would be home by 11 p.m. Well, the beer went down real easy and the hours passed and before he knew it, it was three a.m. 

Drunk as a skunk, he headed home, fearing his wife's wrath. As he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. The man, who still knew apples from oranges, cuckooed another nine times and tip-toed to bed, real proud of his quick witty solution. 

The next morning when his wife asked him what time he'd got in, he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all as she said, "Darling, In that case, we need a new cuckoo clock." 

"Why?" he asked. 

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 30 Day Silent Treatment

Daniel: Why are you looking sad today? 

Alex: I fought with my wife and she said she didn’t want to talk to me for 30 days. 

Daniel: Then you should be happy, shouldn't you? 

Alex: No, today is the last day.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: If This Leaks Out

An executive is making love to his assistant in his office. When they finish, she gets out of the couch stark naked and start to jumping up and down. 

Her boss says, “What are you doing? Somebody might see you through that window. If this leaks out, I’ll be ruined.” 

She keeps jumping up and down. “If it doesn’t leak out,” she says, “I could be ruined!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's the Fire?

A guy painting the inside walls of an outhouse fell through the opening and landed in the muck at the bottom.

 

He shouted, “Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs. 

The fire department responded with sirens roaring as they approached. “Where’s the fire?” asked the chief. 

“No fire,” replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. “But if I had yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!', who would have rescued me?” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fresh Breast Milk

Joe goes to his doctor for his physical exam. The doctor says to him, “Joe. I’m afraid you have a rare disease." 

“Is there a cure for it, doc?” Joe asks. 

“Yes. The only thing that can cure you is fresh breast milk.” 

Joe then advertises for a wet nurse. A gorgeous blonde responds to his ad and agrees to wet nurse him. At their first session, Joe is sucking away. The blonde starts to get turned on by Joe’s sucking prowess and discovers that she is highly aroused. “Is there anything else you want, Joe?” she moans, as she caresses herself. 

“Actually, do you have any chocolate cookies?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Call the Salvation Army

Paul says to his buddy John, “Wednesday, I caught my wife in our bed with the phone guy. Thursday I caught her with the mailman on the living room sofa. Friday the meter reader was banging her on the kitchen table. What should I do?" 

His buddy John says, “Call the Salvation Army and have them come get all the furniture.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Makes Sense

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jack’s neighborhood. “How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. 

“Three times,” Jack said without hesitation. 

“That is once more often than your neighbour,” said the inquirer. 

“That makes sense,” Jack said, “after all, she is my wife.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Dad, the Scaredy Cat 

Two kids are arguing over whose father was the biggest scaredy cat. Tommy says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.” 

Peter replies, “Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: It Shakes So Bad

There are two old guys sitting in a retirement home talking about there indignity of growing old. 

The first old man said, "My hands shake so bad that this morning when I was shaving, I cut myself in four places!" 

The second old man said, "That’s nothing, this morning when I was taking a piss, I came three times!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Showing His Age

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. 

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." 

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” as she processes his social security application. 

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Between the Ages

Between the ages of 18 and 32… Tri-weekly. 

Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly. 

Anything Over 50...Try, weakly.

[worldangel]

 Joke: When I Die, Sell My Stuff

Sitting at the breakfast table the old man tells his wife, "When I die, sell all of my stuff." 

"Why should I do that?" 

"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff." 

"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two Boys and Two Girls

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of dogs. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy puppies and two girl puppies. 

“How did you know?” his mother asked. 

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”