Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Are These My Brains?

A little 5-year-old was examining his testicles while taking a bath. 

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?” 

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's My Turn Tonight

Forty men attended a counselling session to exchange views on their sex patterns after marriage. After a short briefing, the counsellor asked how many of them have sex with their wives only once a week. Half of the men raised their hands. 

The counsellor then asked how many have sex with their wives only once every two weeks. Twelve of the remaining twenty men put up their hands, a little embarrassed. 

"I presume then the rest of you do have sex with your wives only once a month?" All, except for one of the remaining eight acknowledged. The counsellor turned his attention to this odd looking guy sitting at the corner of the class, giggling to himself. "Sir, I am sorry to ask, but why are you still smiling since you are not enjoying the same frequency as the rest?" 

To this the timid man said," Tonight is the night."

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Don't Know Her Size

At a boutique this customer asks, “My wife needs a bra but I don't know her size.” 

The sales clerk says, “Touch mine and try to calculate.” 

The man replies, "By the way. I forgot she also needs panties.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Want It On the Bill?

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception. 

He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk. , “Wnd would you like these on your bill?” 

“Of course not,” the duck says. "I’d suffocate.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That Was Exciting

“Well,” exclaimed the young woman as she and her date left the movie theater, “that certainly was exciting!" 

"I agree," adds the date. 

She replies, "I wonder if the film was any good...”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 2,000 Pounds of Dynamite

A guy and his date went up to his apartment. The guy takes off his shirt and points to his abs and says, "See, two thousand pounds of dynamite!" 

He takes off his pants and points to his thighs and says, "See, two thousand pounds of dynamite!" 

He takes off his underwear and the girl screams and picks up her purse and runs out the door. He chases after her and says, "What’s the matter?" 

She replies, "I saw two thousand pounds of dynamite without a wick!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First Child?

The Emergency Operator takes a call from a very agitated young man. "Send help fast!" he yells, "Her contractions have started. The baby's coming hurry, hurry!" 

The operator says, "Sir, you must calm down. I have to get some information." 

"Okay, okay," shouts the man, "just hurry!" 

"That's better," says the operator. "Tell me now, is this her first child?" 

"No, you idiot!" screams the man. "This is her husband!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: North vs. South

One of the remaining differences between the northern and southern states is the style of introductions. 

For example, the northern introduction to a child's fairy tale is, "Once upon a time...” 

While the south chooses, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Found A Bowl

 

A little boy was attending church with his mother when he suddenly turned to his mother and said "Mummy, I feel a bit sick." 

His mother replied, "Don't worry dear, just go outside until you feel a better." 

So he went outside but was back in a very short time and his mother enquired if he was okay. 

"Yes," he replied, "I found a bowl which said 'For the Sick’."

 

Edited May 6, 2018 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's Sex?

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" 

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works. He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. 

Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for?" 

"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Leave Me Alone

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. 

Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnedest times. 

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. 

Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it. 

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that's fine. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Caught In A Pickle Slice

A man who worked at a pickle plant returned home in the early afternoon, much to his wife’s surprise. 

“What happened?” she asked. He replied that his penis got caught in a pickle slicer. His wife was sympathetic as she asked what happened to the pickle slicer. 

“She got fired too,” he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We Use Doris

A new recruit joins the French foreign legion, after 6 months he is desperate for sex. He asked an old member, "What do you do for sex around here?" 

The man replied, "We use Doris." 

"Who's Doris?" 

"Camel in the stable." 

"Hell no, I'm not that desperate!" 

After a year, he can't take it anymore. He walks to the stable, grabs a stool and starts humping the camel. 

In walks an old member and looks disgusted. "Uh, you pervert, we use Doris to ride to the Brothel!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Admit It Already

A little boy just would not learn. One day his history teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she never stopped asking him the same question, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. 

Finally, in desperation, the teacher called the boy's father and complained. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.” 

he father call his son and said, "Come here, son, and sit down. Now, if you signed that goddamn thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband Is A Racehorse

A man decides that he is a racehorse, so his wife puts him in the nuthouse. A few weeks late the doctor at the asylum calls the wife and tells her to come get her husband. 

"Is he cured?" asks the wife. 

The doctor says, “No, but he broke his leg today on the fifth race, so he is putting himself out to stud.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hearing From Our Lawyer

The fence between Heaven and Hell broke. St. Peter was sent to talk to Lucifer about who’s going to fix the fence. 

No agreement was reach and St. Peter said, “You will be hearing from our lawyer!” 

To that, Lucifer replied, “Where are you going to get one?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If He Can Screw

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defence. 

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgive Your Enemies

Sunday's sermon was -- Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 

80 percent of the congregation held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the minister asked. 

"I don't have any." She replied. smiling sweetly. 

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" 

"Ninety-Eight." She replied. 

"Oh, Mrs. Jones. Would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world." 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Only After One Thing

A man parks his car a the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?" 

“No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.” 

As he gets closer to the store, he hears the woman murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Do Farts Have Lumps?

 

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." 

The teacher said, "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall." 

The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." 

The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." 

From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" 

The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." 

Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely shit my pants!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Johnny's Gambling Problem

 

Little Johnny goes to school one day and his dad tells the teacher Johnny has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money. 

The teacher said, "I can handle it." Well later that day Johnny’s dad gets a call from the teacher. "I think I've cured Johnny’s betting problem," said the teacher. 

"How?" asked Johnny’s dad. 

"Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my ass. I took him to the teachers lounge and showed him there wasn’t one there. And I took his ten bucks." 

"Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers ass before the day was through."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: When Did You Start?

 

As they were undressing in the locker room prior to a vigorous racquetball match, Dan was surprised to see John slip off a pair of women’s panties. 

“Say, old shoe,” he said, “I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but, when did you start wearing ladies underwear?” 

Dan replied, “Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.”

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Give You A Dollar

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. And the bum says, “Mister, do you have a dollar you could spare me?” 

The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to by liquor?” 

“No,” says the bum. 

The man then asks the bum, “If I five you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?” 

Again the bum says, “No.” 

So the man says to the bum. “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Can Write You A Check

A desperate mugger approached a lady and told her to hand over all her money. 

When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her big boobs and began feeling around. 

“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Prayer for Guidance

Before retiring on his wedding night, the young minister turned to his bride and murmured, “Pardon me, darling, I’m going to pray for guidance.” 

“Sweetheart,” his wife answered, patting him on the cheek, “I’ll take care of the guidance. You pray for endurance.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ancient Fertility Symbol

A young man who traveled a good deal liked to collect exotic pieces of art. He displayed one of his treasures, an ancient fertility symbol, on the fireplace mantel. One evening he brought an attractive lady back to his place. 

“Excuse me for just a moment,” he said. “Let me fix a couple of drinks.” 

While he was gone, the woman looked around the living room and suddenly stopped in front of the statuette. When the man came back, she asked him what it was. 

“Oh,” he said, a little embarrassed, “that’s called a phallus.” 

“Thanks,” she replied. “I’d hate to tell you what it looks like.” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ever Been Arrested?

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, 'Have you ever been arrested?' 

He answered, 'No.' 

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was 'Why?' 

The applicant answered it anyway... 'Never got caught.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Still Thinking of You

A guy bumped into his ex-girlfriend, from whom he had parted on bad terms.

He said, I need to tell you, I was with someone last night, but I was still thinking of you." 

"Why?" she asked, rather surprised. "Because you miss me?" 

"No, because it stops me from coming too soon."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: On the Grounds of Non-Virginity

The guy was petitioning the court to have his recent marriage annulled. He was a young quarterback for the local football team. 

“On what grounds?” questioned the judge. “This court does not take annulments lightly.” 

“Non-virginity,” replied the quarterback, “When I married her, I thought I was getting a tight end. But instead, I found that I had married a wide receiver.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who Said You Could?

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary and before you know it, they were sleeping together. But within a few weeks, he was unhappy at the way she was acting – not caring, coming to work late, and so on. 

Finally, he pulled her aside, and had a little talk with her. "Listen, baby,” he said. “We may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?” 

The secretary replied, “My lawyer.” 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Every Night

 

At a party, an older couple is talking to a young one.

 

The young man says to the old man, “I’ve heard that when you get up in years, you can’t have sex anymore. Is that true?” 

“I don’t know where you heard that, young man, but we have sex almost every night!” the older gent replies. 

“Really?” 

“Sure. Almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday…” 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bad Itch

This old lady was complaining to her friend about a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested that maybe she had an STD. 

The old lady replied, "That’s impossible, because I am a virgin." To solve the problem the old lady went to the doctor for check up. 

After the exam the doctor said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are clean of all STD'S. The bad news is that you have fruit flies because your cherry is rotten.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Are You Weak?  Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How’s everything in Florida? Mom: Not too good. I’ve been weak.  Son: Why are you weak? Mom: Never mind.  Son: What’s wrong? Mom: Never mind. It’s okay.  Son: Why are you weak, Mom? Mom: I haven’t eaten in thirty days.  Son: That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten? Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be fill with food if you should call!

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Write You A Check

 

A desperate mugger approached a lady and told her to hand over all her money. 

When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her big boobs and began feeling around. 

“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Bring Your Own Bag?

 

A man goes shopping at Whole Foods to gets a few things. When he arrives at the checkout register the clerk asks, "Did you bring your own bag?" 

He responds, "No, she stayed home today."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He's A Lawyer

A blind rabbit and blind snake bump into each other in the forest. The rabbit says, "Excuse me, I'm blind." 

The snake replies, "That's okay, so am I. I got an idea. Let's rub up against each other so we know what we are?" 

Reluctantly the rabbit agrees. The snake coiled around the rabbit, felt his long ears and bushy tail, and said, "Hey, you're a rabbit!" 

It was then the rabbits turn. He felt the snake's fangs, ran down the snake's entire body, then felt the snake's rattler. The rabbit jumped back quickly and hopped through the woods frantically screaming, "HE'S A LAWYER, HE'S A LAWYER!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Every Day I Give My Wife

A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says, "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it. Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes." 

Two weeks go by and the man is back. "Well, how do you feel?" 

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. By the way you have a lovely home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Looks Like Poop!

There are these two idiots walking down the street. One says,"Hey, what is that brown gooey stuff on the ground?" 

The other idiot says, "It looks like poop!" 

The first idiot says, "Smells like poop, feels like poop, and it tastes like poop...oh wow, IT IS POOP!!!" 

Other idiot says, "Good thing we didn't step in it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Tractor Or A Horse

A city slicker was walking down a country road when he saw a farmer plowing his field with a bull. “Shouldn’t you be using a tractor or a horse?” the slicker asked. 

“I got both,” the farmer said. 

“Then why are you using that bull?” 

"I’m trying to teach him that he ain’t here just for romance.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Does Your Wife Think?

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" 

"Oh, that’s not a problem anymore," announces the proud physician. "They're plenty of drugs that do the trick. You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. 

"Doctor, doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!" 

"Well, I’m glad to hear that," says the physician. “What does your wife think about it?" 

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven’t been home yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Overdid the Hormone Pills

 

“Dr. Smith,” said the woman in a very deep voice, "I – I hate to say it, but I thing you overdid it on the hormone pills.” 

“Don’t worry,” the doctor assured her. “A deep voice is a natural development. It will only last a few days.” 

“But I’ve also noticed hair on my chest,” she said. 

“Really? And how far down does it reach.” 

She replied, “All the way to my balls.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Is It Male or Female?

At the Immigration’s desk in a airport, a newcomer hands over his papers.

 

The clerk checks them over and says, "Sir, you put 2 in the sex section?" 

"Yes, 2 times per week," the man replies. 

"But is it male or female?" asks the clerk. 

"It doesn't matter." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Wiggly and Limp

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” 

“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole. 

Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars. “Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid. 

“I know. This is from your Grandma.” 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Now You Are Sorry

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.” 

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is. 

“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done. 

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.” 

Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tired of Getting Stuck

A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. 

Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Kicked In the Nuts

 

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts? 

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. I have come up with the answer to that question. 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for that conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." 

On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." 

I rest my case. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If You Were Ladies

The man was in the Turkish bath when he looked up and saw someone stealing his clothes. He took off after the robber with only a felt fedora for cover. 

As he turned the corner he bumped into two girls who looked at him and burst into laughter. “If you were ladies,” he said angrily, “you wouldn’t laugh at a man in my circumstances.” 

“And if you were a gentleman,” said one, “you’d raise your hat.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: If A Fly Drops 6 Inches

A fly is hovering 6 inches above a lake. There's a salmon in the lake who thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, I can jump out and eat it". 

Now on the edge of the lake there is a bear and the bear thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the salmon will jump out to get it, and then I can grab the salmon and eat it." 

Just behind the bear is a hunter and the hunter thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the salmon will jump out to get it, then the bear will grab the salmon, and while it's distracted I can shot it." 

Behind the hunter is a mouse and the mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the salmon will jump out to get it, then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shot it, he'll drop his sandwiches and I’ve got dinner!" 

Behind the mouse is a cat and the cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the salmon will jump out to get it, then the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will move forward to shoot it, drop his sandwiches, the mouse will grab the sandwiches and while it's distracted I can grab it and eat it." 

Just as the cat thinks this, the fly drops 6 inches, the salmon jumps out, eats it, then the bear eats the salmon, the hunter shoots the bear, drops his sandwiches the mouse grabs the sandwiches and the cat pounces on the mouse but misses and falls in the lake. 

The morale of the story... "If a fly drops 6 inches, you'll end up with a wet p***y!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shall I Tell Her?

Little Johnny and his stern father are out at the park when suddenly a honeybee settles on a rock in front of them. Just for spite, little Johnny smashed it with a rock. At which point his father said, “That was cruel, and for being cruel you’ll get no honey for a whole year.” 

Later, Little Johnny deliberately stepped on a butterfly. “And for that, young man,” said the father, “you will not get any butter for a year.” 

When they returned home, Johnny’s mother was busy fixing supper. Just as they entered the kitchen, she spied a cockroach and immediately crushed it underfoot. 

Little Johnny looked a his father and said, “Shall I tell her, Dad, or will you?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Remember the Minuet?

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. 

One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" 

The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"