Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Doctor Should Never Laugh

 

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem. But if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it, not to laugh." 

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!" 

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. 

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?" 

"Isn't it obvious Doc, it's swollen!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Time for the Pearls   The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. “Sweetheart,” asked the new wife. “Could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?”  “Baby, you aren’t going to need any Vaseline,” he growled amorously. But at her insistence he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch. After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favor. “Remember that long string of pearls I gave your for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau for me?”  “Of course, love,” replied his bride, “but whatever do you want them for?”  “Well,” he explained, looking at the Vaseline smeared all over her, “if you think I’m going into a mess like that without chains, you’re crazy!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Thingy Doesn't Have

Two 5 year-old boys are standing at the toilet, getting ready to pee. One says, "Your thingy doesn't have any skin on it." 

"I've been circumcised," the other one says. 

"What's that mean?" 

"It means they cut the skin off at the end." 

"How old were you when it was cut off?" 

"My mum said I was two days old." 

"Did it hurt?" 

"You bet it hurt. I couldn’t walk for a year!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Change in M.O.

A guy is in court for murdering his second wife. The judge says, "You murdered your first wife also, correct?" 

"That's right. I fed her poisoned mushrooms. I've done my time." 

The judge decided to probe a little further. "Yet you bashed your second wife to death. Why the change in M.O?" 

"Well, your Honour," the defendant replied. "The bitch wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dribbling On Your Shoes

A Jazz pianist spends the entire first set staring at a hot woman in the front row. When on his break, he dashes to the men's room for some hand relief. 

But he forgets to zip up. Halfway through his next set a woman approaches him and says, "Are you aware that your fly is open and you are dribbling on your shoes?" 

"Aware of it!" the pianist declared indignantly. "I wrote it!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fascinate Me

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating." 

The teacher says, "No, that word is fascinating." 

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated." 

The teacher says, "No, that's fascinated." 

So finally, Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her boobs are so big she could only fasten eight!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Now Put Your Other Hand In

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love. The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.” 

So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.” So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.” 

The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So the man did. The woman said, “Clap!” 

“I can’t,” replied the man. 

So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Penis

Journalist: "Mr President! Your secretary says you have an extremely small penis. Would you like to comment?" 

President: "The truth is, that woman has a very big mouth!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 65 Times Last Year

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." 

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." 

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." 

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year, that is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." 

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is This What I Pay You For?   The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing and fondling his secretary.  He shouted at him, “Is this what I pay you for?”  The manager replied, “No, sir, this I do free of charge.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing You

 

A man is throwing knives on wife's photo and he keeps missing the target. Suddenly his phone ring and his wife says, “Hi, what are you doing?" 

"Missing you," was his honest reply.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Laxative Cure 

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative. 

The horrified pharmacist shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!” 

The clerk calmly responds, “Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. 

“Look, Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?” 

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Need Some Sexlax

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sexlax. 

The pharmacist replies, “You mean ex-lax?” 

The man says, “No, I mean sexlax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are His Intentions?

Sally had been dating one man steadily for almost a year, and her mother was growing concerned. 

“Exactly what are his intentions?” she demanded. 

“Well, Mom, I’m really not sure,” Sally said. “He’s been keeping me pretty much in the dark."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fruits of Love

 

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down.

 

They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night.

 

The next morning he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?” 

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.” 

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love. But would you please quit chuckin’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Honey On the Tip

A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman’s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor says, "Well, with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out." 

The couple agrees. So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He starts pushing harder and harder up until he started ramming his penis inside her. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" 

"I’ve changed my mind, I’m going to drown the bastard!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Would You Mind Talking to Me?

A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a supermarket says, "Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost my girlfriend. Would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?" 

The girl replies, "I guess, but I don't see how that would help any?" 

The guy answers, "Well, you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hold Of My Privates 

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. 

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." 

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Every Time I Sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. 

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing. 

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?" 

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" 

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Brakes Don't Work

 

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high steep hill and they start going down it very fast. 

The guy driving says, "Oh my God! The brakes don't work!" 

The guy in the passenger seat says, "Don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Let's Try 68 

A husband comes home and says to his wife, "We've tried 69 before, lets try 68." 

The wife asks, "What’s that?" 

He says, "You do me tonight and then I'll owe you one."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Terrible Work History

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. 

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." 

"Yes," says the man. 

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." 

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's the Glitter?  

 

The King and Queen were looking for a husband for their daughter. The king invited 3 men to come to the palace, so he could see if any of them were worthy of the princess. The test was to see if they would sleep with his daughter. 

 

To check if they had, he put glitter on the princess's vagina. The next day, he checked each of the men's penises. The first guy had glitter on his and the second guy had glitter on his. 

 

The third guy didn't have any glitter on his penis and when the king told him he could marry his daughter, he smiled and there was glitter on his teeth.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brakes Don't Work

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high steep hill and they start going down it very fast. 

The guy driving says, "Oh my God! The brakes don't work!" 

The guy in the passenger seat says, "Don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Are Politics?

Little Johnny was watching tv and he heard people talking about politics. So he asked his dad, "What are politics?” 

The dad says, "Johnny, let me tell you what politics are in my own words. Since I am the breadwinner of the family, I am the capital. Since mommy deals with all the bills and taxes, she is the government. Nanny is the working class since she takes care of you. You are the people and your little brother Danny is the future." 

Then Johnny goes off and that night he hears Danny crying. So he goes in the room and notices that he pooped in his pants. Then he goes to his mom's room and she is ignoring him and telling him to go back to bed. So then he goes to the nanny’s room and finds his dad screwing her, so he leaves them alone and just forgets about Danny's poop in his pants. 

The next morning Johnny tells his dad what politics are in his own words. "Daddy, Daddy, I understand completely what politics are now. When the government is ignoring the people, the Capitol is screwing the working class and the future is deep in crap!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Now Put Your Other Hand In

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love. The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.” 

So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.” So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.” 

The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So the man did. The woman said, “Clap!” 

“I can’t,” replied the man. 

So the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: His Small Yellow Dog

A man was having a drink in a bar. Beside him was his small yellow dog. Soon another man with a dog came in. This man had a large pit bull and taunted the first man to have the dogs scrap outside for $50. 

Finally the man with the small yellow dog agreed. They went outside and the small dog completely pulverized the pit bull. After paying the $50 the owner of the pit bull asked what kind of dog the yellow dog was. 

The winner said, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Hate Her

“You don’t seem to like the new tutor?” his mother asked. 

“I hate her,” screamed little Johnny, “I’d like to grab her and bite her on the back of the neck... like daddy does.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Imagine the Fix 

“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer. 

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Won 1st Prize

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" 

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrills whistling. 

The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. 

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend. 

"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Needs Two?

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" 

"I used two fingers." 

"What for?" 

"I needed a second opinion."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cutting Back the Sex Every Friday a few guys get together after work at the local watering hole. One Friday Sam showed up late. He sat down at the bar and powered down his entire first drink in one huge gulp.  Then he turned to Jim and said, “Times are getting tough, my friend. Today my wife told me the she is going to cut back sex with me to just twice a week. I can’t believe it.”  Jim put his hand on Sam’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad? She’s cut some guys out all-together!”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Just Found Them

A lady walks out of a gym all happy, and admiring her body when she turns to her husband and says, "I think I lost 5 pounds!" 

The husband, puzzled, asks her to turn around. He sighs and says, "Honey, I just found them."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeding the Pigs

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?" 

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?" 

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should. They shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer. 

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak, things like that. Why?" 

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer. 

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes, "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All Around His Beak and Bottom 

A man was walking past a shop when he saw a parrot showing his ass hole to him.

 

So he went inside and complained. 

The next day the parrot had tape all round his beak and bottom. 

But there was a piece of paper saying "WANKER" on it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Broke the Case The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm.  At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"  His father responded, "You idiot! We lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Girl Rode Up to Me

Two lonely guys are talking over lunch. The first guy says, “You would not believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘Take whatever you want!’ So I took the bike.” 

The second guy says, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hey Fella A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. He argues back and forth with the bartender, who refuses to serve him. Finally, the bartender challenges him to get on the floor and do twenty push-ups to prove he is sober.  As he is doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers in. He surveys the scene for a minute, pokes the guy in the ribs with his shoe, and says, “Hey fella, I think your girlfriend has gone home.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not Exactly True

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?” 

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” 

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?” 

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stay Hard Spray 

A husband has a problem with premature ejaculation. The local sex shop gives him a can of stay-hard spray. The label on the can promises that if you spray a little of it on, you can go all night. 

The man goes home and hides the can in a cabinet. After dinner, anticipating a night of passion with his wife, he applies the spray. They began making love – but he finishes faster than ever. The next day, he takes the can back to the sex shop for a refund. 

“Let me guess,” the clerk says. “You brought the can home and hid it in the kitchen cabinet?” 

“Right! How did you guess?” 

“You must have grabbed the can of EZ-Off, instead." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Board With Holes

The man enters a drugstore, "Give me a pack of condoms." 

"What size?" 

"I do not know" 

"Well, take this board with holes. Go to the toilet and measure." 

In 10 minutes the man comes back. "I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take That Back

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “All lawyers are assholes!” 

A guy at the end of the bar says, “You better take that back!” 

The drunk man goes, "Why, are you a lawyer?" 

The man says, "No, I’m an asshole!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Clarence Is A Big MoFo

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. 

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. 

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? 

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Marie, the Maid

Mrs. Heller was almost in tears. “Oh, Marie,” she said to her maid, “I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary.” 

"I don’t believe it!” snapped Marie. “You’re just saying that to make me jealous.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Shoot Off the Gun

Farmer Bill says to his doctor, “Doc, once in a while when I’m out in the field, I get excited and feel like romancing. By the time I run back to the house to my wife, I lose the feeling.” 

The doctor says, “Just take your shotgun out into the field with you. When you get the feeling, shoot off the gun. When your wife hears it, she can come out to you.” 

A few months later the doctor sees Bill in town. He sys, “Well, Bill, how’s the old sex life?” 

The farmer says, “Oh, it was great for a while, Doc… until hunting season came and my wife ran herself to death.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Almost Every Night A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"  "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"  His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"  "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love on Monday, we almost made love on Tuesday..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Envelopes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. 

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. At his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. 

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. 

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Second-hand Goods

A bitter divorced guy bumped into his ex-wife’s new husband at a cocktail party. After a few drinks, he strolled conceitedly over to him and sneered, “So, how do you like using second-hand goods?” 

“It doesn’t bother me,” said the new husband. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going to be A Hunter

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." 

The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." 

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"