Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I Found A Cowboy

Three men sit at a bar. The first says, "I found a tool belt under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a repairman." 

The second man replies, "I believe my wife is sleeping with a plumber, found a plunger under my bed." 

The third man nods, and says, "I found a cowboy under my bed, I think my wife is sleeping with a horse."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Keep Having the Same Dream

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink. 

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.” 

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks. 

“I push them away,” the man says. 

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks. 

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!”

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Always Harder

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. 

The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. 

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. 

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? 

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Idiots In the Room

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer. 

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer. 

"Well, actually I don't," said the student. "But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Tug On His Leg

A guy visiting Las Vegas got totally wasted and when he awoke the following morning, he was in a strange bed with the ugliest girl he’d ever seen. 

Very quietly, he got up, got dressed and left $30.00 on the bureau. As he was tiptoeing his way out the door he felt a tug on his leg.

 

Another ugly woman was lying on the floor. She smiled and said, “Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Do That In Public

A boy and his mother stood looking at a dentist's showcase. "If I had to have false teeth, I'd take that pair," said the small boy, pointing. 

"Hush, Willie," interposed the mother quickly, shaking his arm. "Haven't I told you it's bad manners to pick your teeth in public?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Go Fly A Kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. 

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.” 

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Will Ask Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales, and stated that a whale swallowed Jonah. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, it's throat was very small. 

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Tried Everything

A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying. This old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy, “My dear boy, why are you crying?” 

The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said, "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid." 

The old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him, and started crying too.

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband's Vasectomy

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills," said Edna to Priscilla. 

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. 

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: In Bed With Two Women 

Two friends were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. One man said fondly, “I had a dream I was on vacation. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." 

“I also had a great dream,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.” 

His buddy looked over and exhorted, “You had a dream you had two women, and you didn’t call me?" 

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pain In the Ass

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says to the doctor, "Why is sex a pain in the ass to me?" 

The doctor replies, "You're doing it wrong."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Had It All 

A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all, money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman, everythying! Then poof! It was all gone!” 

“What happened?” asked his friend. 

“My wife found out...”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, You Must Help Me

At her appointment with the psychiatrist, a young woman pleads. "Doctor, you must help me. It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." 

“I see," nods the doctor. "And you no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." 

"No, No!" exclaims the young woman. "I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You Think It's Rigged?

A private eye is showing Stanley movies of Mrs. Stanley in bed with other men. She's on the beach, at a football game during halftime, and all kinds of crazy places doing just about everything. 

After viewing all this Stanley says, “I refuse to believe it!” 

The private eye rather mortified says, “What? You think I rigged the evidence?” 

Stanley says, “No, of course not. I just can’t believe my wife could be so much fun."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking An Umbrella to a Gun Fight

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, doc?" the old man asked. 

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." 

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”. 

"Exactly," said the doctor.

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Banker Wants Pockets

A young successful banker decides to get his first tailor made suit. So he visits the finest tailor in town and gets measured. A week later he goes in for his first fitting. He puts on the suit and he looks stunning, he feels that in this suit he can really do business. 

As he is preening himself in front of the mirror, he reaches down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he finds that there are no pockets. He mentions this to the tailor. "Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?" the tailor asks. 

The young man answers, "Yes, I did." 

The tailor says, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: How Dare You In Front of My Wife

While eating a local diner, Mr. And Mrs. Mars exchanged horrified looks as the trucker sitting next to them lets out an enormous belch. 

Indignantly tapping him on the shoulder, Mr. Mars says, “How dare you belch like that before my wife! 

Looking up from his soup, the trucker says, “Sorry. I didn’t know it was her turn.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: That's Thoughtful On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis, that before undressing, he snapped off the light.  Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.  “That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light on if you want to write thank you notes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Come on the Bus?

Two older women meet at bingo. "You're late this week Ethel," says one woman to the other. "Did you come on the bus?" 

"Yes," replied Ethel, "but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's with the Bowling Balls?

A man is driving through an English countryside when he sees a beautiful blonde woman, without a stitch of clothes on, running across a field with three men in white chasing her. The last man is carrying two bowling balls. He stops the man with the bowling balls and asks, "What's going on?" 

The man replies, "The blonde is a patient in a mental hospital over the hill. They can't keep clothes on her. Every couple of weeks she escapes and we have to chase her and bring her back." 

"What's with the bowling balls you're carrying," asked the man. 

"Oh, I caught her last week. This is my handicap," the man answered.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Missing Diaphragm

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early-afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As things get hot and heavy, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Sort of Girl Do You Think I Am?

Old business man to a beautiful young model, "Would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?" 

“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says. 

"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?" 

“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?” 

"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You Call This Progress? A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.  “You call this progress?” snapped the patient. “Six months ago, I was Napoleon. Now I’m nobody!”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Guys Are Lucky

 

Three guys had just been released from prison and were really horny. They saw this beautiful woman as they were walking in the woods. Each of them had sex with the woman. Unfortunately, the woman was part of a tribe and the tribe Chief captured the three men and made a bargain with them. 

He said, "If the three of your penises together measure twenty one inches or more, we will not kill you but let you go free.” 

They took the first guy and he measured 10 inches. They took the second guy and he measured 9 inches. Finally they took the third man he measured 2 inches. The Chief released the men because they together measured twenty-one. On the way home they were bragging to each other. 

The first man said, "You guys are really lucky for my ten inches!" 

The second man said, "You guys are really lucky for my nine inches!" 

The third man said, “You guys are lucky that I had a bone!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Plenty of Fish in the Sea

“Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague. “There are plenty of other fish in the sea.” 

“Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What About the Smell?

A husband and his wife were driving down the road when a car ahead of their's hit a skunk. Being the humanitarians that they are, they stopped, picked up the skunk, and put him in the back seat for there was a vet right up the road. 

They proceeded to the vet when on the way the driver sees police lights in the rear-view mirror. Panicking, the wife says, "What should I do with the skunk? 

"Put it up your skirt!" the husband replies. 

"But what about the smell?" 

"Just pinch his nose shut!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anyone Got A Problem?

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!" 

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!" 

Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" 

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?" 

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Warden's Ball

Jack and Paul, two hard-core prisoners in the penitentiary, were talking. Jack said, "I’ve got two tickets for the warden’s ball. Do you want to buy one?" 

"No thanks mate. I can’t dance, " said Paul. 

"It’s not a dance, it’s a raffle!" said Jack.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Woman Is Extremely Hot

A hot girl walks into the doctor's office and sits down. The doctor sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing?" 

She says, "Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?" 

"Yeah, o yeah." 

After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?" 

"Yes, you are feeling for cancer right?" 

"Yes, that's exactly it, feeling for cancer." After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says, "Do you know what I’m doing now?" 

She says, "Yes I do! You are checking for genital warts because you know that’s why I came here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Using Math Terms - 

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, and multiply. 

When time was over she called on a student named Johnny. 

He said. "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs." 

"What about multiply, Johnny?" 

"Oh, and you better hope you don't multiply!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why So Many?

A man walked into a bar and ordered 2 double martinis. When they were served, he gulped both of them down, and promptly ordered 2 more. 

He did this 2 more times, and the bartender was getting curious. He asked the man, "Special occasion?" 

The man answered, "Yes, I just had my first blow job!" 

The bartender then asked, "But why so many?" 

The man answered, "It takes that many to get rid of the taste!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Killed Your Chicken -

He accidentally kills his neighbour's chicken. He goes to her house to inform her and he says, "I accidentally killed your chicken, but I am willing to replace it." 

The neighbour looks at him, smiles, and says, "That depends, how many eggs can you lay in a week?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Is That You, Frank?

“I think I have finally cured my husband of coming home in the wee hours of the morning,” the wife proudly announced to her friend.

 

“Last night, when I heard him fumbling downstairs, I yelled, ‘Is that you, Frank?'” 

“How has that cured him?” questioned her friend. 

“Well, his name is Ed.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Create Your Own Fun

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. 

But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Second Opinion 

Two law partners hire a new cute young assistant, and a contest arises between them as who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. 

“So what did you think?” asks the partner. 

“Aah, replies the first lawyer, my wife is better.” 

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary.

“So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?” 

The second guy replies, “You’re right.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Pee Anymore

An old man goes to the emergency room. “What seems to be the problem?” he is asked at the desk. 

“I can’t pee any more!” 

“Well, how old are you?" 

“I am eighty-five-years old.” 

“Well then sir, you have peed enough.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Answer the Question

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,“ he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" 

There was no answer. The attorney repeated the question. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." 

"Oh," the startled witness said, “I'm sorry. I thought he was talking to you, judge."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Come Quick, It's An Emergency

A man and his wife are having a horrible fight. She throws her arms up in the air and says, "I have had it, I am going to kill my self!" 

She runs to the window and tries to open it. The man, in a panic, runs to the manager's apartment and says, "Come quick to my apartment, its an emergency!" 

The manager asks "Why, what's happening?" 

The man says, "The window is stuck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Her Go Crazy An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."  "But you are not wearing any of those things?" inquired the artist.  "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Finding A Pure Girl

A man was searching for a pure wife. He dated many ladies and when they went to bed he would show them his penis and ask each, "What is this?" 

Each came back with the standard sexual answer of "love shaft" or "johnson" and he thought each knew too much about sex and rejected every one. 

Finally he found a girl who passed his test. He asked what it was and she said, "I'm not sure, I think it's called a wee-wee?" 

Finally, he had found his perfect woman. He marries her and on their honey moon he thought he should tell her the sexual term for his penis. 

"Honey," he began, "you should know this is called a cock." 

"Oh no," replied his bride, "I have seen plenty of cocks and believe me that's a wee-wee!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Choice of Words 

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month I’m going to lose my ass.” 

Then he noticed a beautiful girl sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad choice of words. 

“That’s okay,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my car.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Different positions

 

After being promised that she will make him experiment with different positions, Juan immediately proposed to Tina. 

 

Now, Juan is her hubby, her maid, her laundry guy, her cook and her electrician!

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What do you want?

 

A man walked into a store.

 

The store owner asked him, "What do you want, Sir?'

 

The man replied, "I need optimism, toughness, the will to fight the evils of the world, the power to confront injustices."

 

The store owner replied, "Here you are sir, a bottle of premium whisky, and some chips to go with it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Boyfriend's birthday

 

Rita to Tina, "It's my boyfriend's birthday tomorrow."

Tina, "Cool. What are you giving him?"

Rita, "I was about to ask you that. What should I give him?"

Tina, "Is he rich?"

Rita, "Yes, he is."

Tina, "Then give him my number!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird dreams

 

Santa said the psychiatrist, "I get these weird dreams where I see kangaroos playing soccer."

 

The psychiatrist said, "Do not worry. I will prescribe you a few medicines. Just have them before going to bed."

 

Santa said, "Ok, I will start taking the medicines from Sunday."

 

The psychiatrist asked, "Why not start today?"

 

Santa replied, "Oh, the finals are on Saturday."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Santa's interview

 Santa decided to appear for an interview at the Railways for the position of a guard.

 

The interviewer asked him, "What will you do if you see 2 trains approaching each other on the same track?"

 

Santa replied, "I will signal with a red flag."

 

The interviewer asked, "What if you can't find the flag?"

 

Santa replied, "I will signal with a torch."

 

The interviewer asked, "What if you can't find the torch?"

 

Santa replied, "I will signal with my red jacket."

 

The interviewer asked, "What if you are not wearing a red jacket on that day?"

 

Santa replied, "Then I will ask my son to rush to the station?"

 

The interviewer asked, "Why would you do that??"

 

Santa replied, "He has never seen two trains collide."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A different kind of motivation

 A successful entrepreneur won a business award in the IT field and was asked by a reporter as to how he managed to motivate his workers to come to office on time.

The entrepreneur replied, "Oh, that' easy. I have 45 people working for me but only 44 parking lots without pay. I charge for the last lot. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten times

 Peter said to his wife Claudia, "You will not believe what happened today! I bought an old lamp at the junkyard sale and guess what? I rubbed it and out came a genie!"

 

Claudia said excitedly, "Really?? Did you ask for anything?"

 

Peter replied, "Yes i did. I asked for your intelligence to be enhanced ten times."

 

Claudia said, "Oh! That's so sweet of you."

 

Peter retorted, "Yeah, but I forgot anything multiplied by zero remains zero."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping at the mall

 Jack says to his wife Mandy, "You've been missing since the last 5 hours. Where were you?"

Mandy replies, "I had gone shopping at the mall."

Jack asks, "Ok, so what have you got?"

Mandy replies, "A lipstick and 50 selfies."