Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

 

Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Working?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.

She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke  Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking pictures

The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed.

"Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband.
"I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds.
"But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband.

The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel.

"Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera.

"What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband.
The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sunbathing...

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned woman, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.

The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Well what was that for?

An old couple was sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "That’s for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Working On The Road

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Nursery school teacher says to her ...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: T-G-I-F

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Women and Men...

WOMEN

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A seven-year-old girl barges into ...

A seven-year-old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a shower.

"Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia.

"Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied.

"Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Baby Light

In the back woods, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: These bear hunters were sitting...

These bear hunters were sitting around the cabin the night before the hunt bragging about their passt hunts.
The cabin boy was listening and went over and said "you guys make it seem pretty hard on capturing a bear".

They all laughed and said "it is hard; do you think you could bag one"?
"I can go out and bag you 2 if you will skin them, and I will bet each of you $100.00.
They agreed and off he went out into the night.

Soon he spotted a big grizzly; he waved his arm and started hollering the big bear started after him and he started running for the shack. When he got close to the shack he started yelling. "Open the door he yelled".

They looked out and saw the bear chasing the boy. Just as he got to the door they opened it and he stepped aside and the bear went in. He slammed the door and locked it and shouted. "OK skin him I'll go and get the other one".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some newly-married friends were...

Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The redhead bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A brunette who really hated blondes ...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Behind the wheel...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A male frog went to a psychic....

A male frog went to a psychic. 

The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." 

The frog becomes excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" 

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumber Child

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”
The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"

"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.

"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.

"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baldness...

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.

"Mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

Johnny thought for a second and said, "I'm glad you don't do any thinking. You would look silly without hair."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall ...

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens. “No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”

Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.” When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Superman

This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.

He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.

He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."

The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.

"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.

"How did you do that?"

"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"

"Alright, get out of the way!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT

The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I walked in to our house to find ...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman. 

"Hello, all," I announced. 

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'. 

"The census bureau?" I asked. 

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly. 

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper. 

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked. 

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me. 

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'." 

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me. 

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump." 

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.

[worldangel]

Joke: During a terrible storm, all the ...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”

 

“Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Outrageous flattering

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This guy goes into a doctor's ...

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

 

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

 

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man awoke one evening to discover ...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. 

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. 

The operator at the other end said, "Are they in your house?" 

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. 

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. 

He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. 

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" 

Within seconds, there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. 

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" 

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back seat...

Junior had just received his brand new driver’s license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 shots

One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A family went to a hospital, where ...

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. 

One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" 

The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." 

The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" 

"Well," the doctor replied, the female brain is less because it has been used." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple walking in the park noticed ...

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. 

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife. 

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."

"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar ...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

 

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball in heaven.....

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Deserted Island

A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore.
The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the new chemistry floating around, is very glad to see the second man there.

“This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: “Hey, no screwing!”

They look at each other and yell back: “We're not screwing!”

A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: “Heeey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back, “We're not screwing!”

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above:
“Hey, I said no screwing!!”

They yell back, “And we said we're not screwing!!”

Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Double room

Jim, a traveling salesman goes to a hotel late in the night and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk is completing the formalities, Jim looks around and finds a stunning blonde seated in the lobby. He tells the clerk to excuse him for a moment and heads to the lobby. He is back in a minute with the blonde on his arm.

"Fancy banging into my wife here," he tells the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room after all."
Next morning, when Jim comes to settle his bill, he finds the amount to be $4200. "What the hell is this?" he yells at the clerk. "I have been here for just a night!"

"You are right, Sir," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for 4 weeks."

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored ...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.

 

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

 

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

[worldangel]

Joke: What does that one do?

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man got really drunk one night...

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.

 

He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.

 

He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.