Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Inebriated judge

An inebriated judge returned to court after a long lunch. In the first case, a man is charged with drunk driving who pleaded not guilty.

 

 "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vaseline uses

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Thirsty

A very thirsty man goes into a bar.

As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "I guess I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."

So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

[worldangel]

Joke: First time at the restaurant

I was nervous the night my husband and I took our three young sons to a restaurant for the first time.

 

My husband ordered a bottle of wine with the meal. When the waitress brought it, our children became quiet as she began the ritual uncorking.

 

She poured a small amount for me to taste, at that moment, our six-year-old piped up, "Mum drinks a lot more than that."

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Too Much Hunting
 

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. 

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

[worldangel]

Joke: To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A pipe burst in a doctor's house ...

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.

 

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking along a California ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scared of water

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Luckiest Guy

Paul and Simon are talking about their respective weekends when the subject of picking up ladies pops up.

"I must say I'm doing fine in that department," says Paul.

"This weekend I hooked up with that Jenny Harris girl."

"Jenny Harris!" Simon exclaims, "What happened?"

"Let's just say I got lucky."

"I've heard about Jenny," Simon says, "and I wouldn't call it 'lucky.'"

"I would," Paul says.

"In that case," Simon replies, "you're the luckiest guy with herpes I know."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bar Analogies

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill, Jim, and Scott were at ...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-storey skyscraper.

 

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting.

 

I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

 

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The factory bell

Joe was an US manufacturer of machine parts. He had a prospective customer from East Bloc visiting him for imports of machinery to his country and Joe was showing him around his factory.
At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.

"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."
"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.

After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"
"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Question time....

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science.

 

He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time....

"Class," he said, "my name begins with the letter 'M,' and I pick up things....What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his girlfriend were ...

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.

 

The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Icing ...

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"

His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"

Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Big John

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender. The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place. He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!! He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"

A few weeks pass uneventfully. But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!! Run for your lives!!!" When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.

 

As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks. He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!" He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.

 

The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking. He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp. As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave. "Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

[worldangel]

Joke: During a simulated attack, the...

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response.

 

“You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side.

“What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bean soup

When the waitress in a Big City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the gentleman was a bit dismayed.

 

 "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

 

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who?” I asked.

My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

[worldangel]

Joke: "Honey," said this husband to ...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" 

"I know all that." 

"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?" 

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[worldangel]

 Joke: National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?

There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wonderful idea

Jen's friend Amy is complaining about having a sore throat.

"When I have a sore throat, I always give my husband a blow job and, as long as I swallow, it feels better the next day. You should try it," says Jen.

The next day, they meet up and Amy is all smiles.

"How did it go, then?" asks Jen.

"Wonderfully!" beams Amy. "Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach ...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've allways wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[worldangel]

Joke: When I am old

Tina asks Bill, "Will you love me when I'm old and graying?"

Bill replies, "Just love you? I shall admire you. I shall worship the very ground that you walk on. I shall...", then asks hesitantly, "you're not going to look like your mother, are you?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday...

It was the kindergarten teacher’s birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift. 
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. 
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." 

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. 

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked. 
"No," said the little girl. 

So she tasted it again. "Is it champaigne?" she asked. 
"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A brunette who really hated blondes

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp. After rubbing the lamp genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Far To The Town?

A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.
A rancher rode past.

"Say, friend", called out one of the men, "how far is it to the next town?"
"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon," called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.
"How far to the next town?" the men asked him eagerly.
"Oh, a good two miles."

A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. "Hey, how far's the next town?"
"Not far," was the encouraging answer, "only about two miles."

"Well," sighed the optimistic sergeant, "thank Goodness, we're holding our own, anyhow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Maurice an 82 year-old man went...

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man solves the problem of to...

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. 

He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. 

Now none of them come back. 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The lineup...

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple went to the hospital...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Race…

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Rod and reel

Anita walks into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

Anita didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $25.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $30.50."

Anita says, "But didn't you say it was $25.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $25.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men were sitting on a bench ...

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer."

 

The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis." The third man said "I died of seenus." The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus."

 

The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital Report

Mr. Wilkins, an elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where he was admitted.

When the doctor arrived for the routine check-up, Mr Wilkins seemed to be quite concerned at one notation.

"I know I was in a bit of a mess, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to the doctor apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."

He was immensely comforted when the doctor explained the acronym in question meant "Short Of Breath" and not what he thought (S.O.B.)

[worldangel]

Joke: Free meat....

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lawyer defending a man accused...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cabbies....

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." 

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. 

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" 

"Yes, I do." said Bob 
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" 
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did." 

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" 
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" 
"She just died and left me everything."

[worldangel]

 Joke: My bed

Lucy was sitting on a park bench, when a beggar appeared out of nowhere and said to her, "Sweetheart, let's have some fun!"

Lucy was furious and shouted, "How dare you say such a thing?"

The beggar commented, "Then what are you doing on my bed?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. 

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. 

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." 
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" 

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." 

One thing led to another and they make love. 

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." 
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?" 

"Didn't feel a thing!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A father and son went deep-sea...

A father and son went deep-sea fishing.

 

Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man went to visit a friend ...

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

 

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

 

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."