Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: What did he say?

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, Madam did you know you were speeding? ” The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, What did he say?” The old man yells, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman says, “May I see your license?” The woman turns to her husband and asks again, “What did he say?” The old man yells, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.” The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” And the old man yells, “He said he knows you!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Home in no time...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering  in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A new miracle doctor was in town...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

[worldangel]

Joke: Things to say to ...

Things to say to the boss to get you fired: 

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public." 

"I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid." 

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are you?" 

"Who me? I just wander from room to room." 

"I pretend to work. You pretend to pay me." 

"Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?" 

"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?" 

"Earth is full, go home!" 

"How about 'never'? Is 'never' good for you?" 

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

 

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, she opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

 

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dalmatian's Duties...

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good trade

A bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A student in medical school wants …

A student in medical school wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Build-up Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes as they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, the student sees another patient, with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

Joke: Have Any Reservations?

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. 

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. 

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the a...."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restaurant Return
 

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. 

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." 

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the busy waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke:Yours or Hers? A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.  “And who was that?” questioned the wife.  “Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.  “I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Never Been Touched

In the week before his marriage, David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he’d ever dated.

 

At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken.

 

David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats. 

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he’d tell her about his ravaged organ. 

The woman spread her legs. “Look, honey,” she said. “Never been touched by a man.” 

David undid his pajama pants. “Look, honey,” he said, “still in its original crate!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cash or Credit?

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the first guy and performed her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek. It stuck. 

Then she proceeded to the second guy. She did her same dance and the guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek. It stuck. 

She then went to the third guy and performed her dance. The third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash. So he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pool Ball Incident 

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole. The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave. 

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar. The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it. 

The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave. As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?" 

The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: When Was She Born?
 

My daughter was working for the Embassy when she was expecting her first child. I was so happy when she texted me with the news. 

"I'm a grandfather!" I said to my coworkers. 

"When was she born?" somebody queried. 

Recalling the date she told me, I thought for a minute and said in a calm voice, "Tomorrow!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Send Me Your Happiness

 

A romantic lady sent a text to her lover saying, "If you are sleeping, send me your dream. If you are crying, send me your tears. If you are smiling, send me your happiness!" 

The lover replied, "I am in the toilet."

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going To Be A Father
 

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early, I'm going to be a father!" 

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off!" 

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" 

"I dunno, I'll tell you in 9 months."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Are You Single?

Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the indoor swimming pool of the building they live in. 

Sophie says, "Shirley, you know I'm shy. Can you go over to the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy." 

Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy, "Are you single?" 

"Yes, but I been in prison." 

"Why?" 

"I strangled my third wife." 

"What about your second wife?" 

"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window." 

"And your first wife?" 

"I shot her." 

Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says, "Yoo hoo, he's single!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Thank You, UPS

After my wife landed a coveted job offer from UPS, we went out of town to celebrate.

While on our trip, she was contacted by the company's Human Resources department with an urgent request to complete and send back her tax forms.

'No problem,' she said. 'I'll FedEx them right over.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Food chain

After discussing the “food chain” with my fifth grade class, I told them their weekend homework was to write a sentence showing they understood the meaning of the term.

On Monday morning, one student handed this in: “Burger King is my favorite food chain.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Risk

A mathematician and a non-mathematician are sitting in an airport hall waiting for their flight to go. The non has terrible flight panic.
"Hey, don't worry, it's just every 10000th flight that crashes."

"1:10000? So much? Then it surely will be mine!"

"Well, there is an easy way out. Simply take the next plane. It's much more probable that you go from a crashing to a non-crashing plane than the other way round. So you are already at 1:10000 squared."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Oh, the Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. 

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" 
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" 

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died." 

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. 
"What do you mean?" asks the first man. 
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pay for the Food

There was a poor old cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.

Every day at lunch time, Mike, the rich gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One morning, the cobbler was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”

Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.

The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”

The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old cobbler didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The cobbler replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The little man...

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots--one for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour this?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here."

With that, he pulls out a little three-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a penny down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Al, go get that penny!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the penny, and hauls it back down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure, he talks! Hey, Al, tell him about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Story About Infinity

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers.

 

One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc.

 

Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was in a hurry to meet his...

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. 

On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. 

He continued down the highway and was yet, again, pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. 

He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again, he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leaned out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" 

"Registration and license please" came the reply. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. “I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife went to the police station...

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. 

The policeman asked for a description. 

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." 

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." 

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Salesman

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$101,237.65."
"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"
"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Phrases ...

Phrases to really motivate staff: 

"And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?" 

"I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me." 

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view." 

"It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying." 

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist." 

"I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter." 

"I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant." 

"You! Off my planet!" 

"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?" 

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This guy goes to a costume party...

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back. 

"What the heck are you?" asks the host. 

"I'm a snail" says the guy. 

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.

 

He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!".

 

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.

 

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

 

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hold Of My Privates

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch. 

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates." 

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"

 

[Guest don't understand]

2 minutes ago, worldangel said:

 Joke: This guy goes to a costume party...

This guy goes to a costume party with a girl on his back. 

"What the heck are you?" asks the host. 

"I'm a snail" says the guy. 

"But... you have a girl on your back" replies the host.

"Yeah," he says, "that's Michelle!"

Don't understand

[yhtang]

13 hours ago, Guest don't understand said:

Don't understand

 

Michelle = me shell = my shell.

This is probably an East London joke, Easteders tend to use "me" for "my". 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Did You Learn?

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: History or Geography

First thing one Monday morning, a robber broke into the bank, and pointed his guns at the cashier said, 'Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!'

The cashier laughed and said, 'You mean to say 'HISTORY.'

The robber answered, 'Don't change the subject.'

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife Is Missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" 

"Why?" 

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Memory To Remember!

So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old tribe man, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.

"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."

"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.

"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."

Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.

"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.

The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.

On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"

Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"

"Scrambled," replies the Chief.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Running away

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father.

 

He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I'm running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he asked.

“Then I'll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child.

The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to university.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is Barney In There?

 

A four-year old was at the padiatrician for a check-up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" 

The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" 

Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" 

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

[worldangel]

Joke: You've Had It!

A ninety-year-old man goes to a hooker. When he gets undressed, she looks at his limp member and says, “Mister, you’ve had it.” 

Without missing a beat he says, “Thank you every much… how much do I owe you?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are His Intentions?

Sally had been dating one man steadily for almost a year, and her mother was growing concerned. 

“Exactly what are his intentions?” She demanded. 

“Well, Mom, I’m really not sure,” Sally said. “He’s been keeping me pretty much in the dark."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not A Country Club Member

Three female members of an exclusive country club walked into the women’s shower room and were shocked to see the lower part of a man’s anatomy behind the door of one of the shower stalls. “Well,” said one of the ladies, “that certainly is not my husband!" 

The second one added, “He isn’t mine, either.” 

And the third, the youngest of the three, said, “Hell, he isn’t even a member of this club!"

[worldangel]

Joke: He Hasn't Been Faithful

 

The high-priced lawyer was sitting in his office when his secretary announced the arrival of a new client, who turned out to be a very sexy young mother. 

“I want to divorce my husband,” said the woman. 

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer. 

“Infidelity,” she replied. “I don’t think my husband has been faithful to me.” 

“What makes you think that?” 

“Well,” she said, “I don’t think he is the father of my son.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Lawyer  

A prominent young lawyer died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honour. 

St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honour to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1026 years." 

"What are you talking about?" asked the lawyer. "I'm 46." 

"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn" 

"Yes," the lawyer answered. 

"Let me check the records," said St. Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calculated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Doctor Should Never Laugh

Big Bob, a strapping lad standing 6ft 5 went to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem. But if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it, not to laugh." 

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient. And you're a mighty big fellow for anyone to be laughing at!" 

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had seen in all his years. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?" 

"Isn't it obvious Doc, it's swollen!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Walk Tall

It was the foreigner’s first time at a baseball game. His friend cheered wildly each time a batter came to the plate, and after a while the foreigner cheered as well. 

After Vinnie DiFate had had his turn at bat, the foreigner shouted, “Run, Vinnie, run!” 

“No,” his friend said, “Vinnie has four balls, so he walks.” 

Eyes wide, the foreigner yelled, “Walk tall, Vinnie! Walk tall!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Expose Yourself to Art

Told by his psychiatrist to stop spending all his time reading pornography and to expose himself to real art, the perpetually horny young man took his advice. 

So he travelled to the Louvre in Paris and he opened his trench coat in front of the Mona Lisa.