Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.

 

"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret to a Happy Marriage

There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:

Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans

Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well

Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great s*x

Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar ...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"

 

The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street ...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."

She paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "you know." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man looking to get mar...

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who’s just like your mother."

 

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

[worldangel]

Joke: The winning machine

There was a sandwich machine in a Norwegian factory. Olaf didn't quite understand what the machine was about though. He went to the machine and put his money in the machine and got one sandwich. He was so excited, he put more of his money into the machine and received another sandwich. Finally he had a huge pile of sandwiches.

Another worker was wondering what Olaf was doing:
"Olaf, don't you think you should stop now?"
"What the hell are you babbling about?! I am just starting to win big!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A woman worries about the future ...

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. 
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. 
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was on trial for selling...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. 

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any drugs or other similar drugs from the defendant?" 

"No sir," answered the man. 

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" 

"No sir." 

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?" 

"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wake up!

Linda was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist.

 

Linda kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, Linda marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. 
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" 

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." 
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." 

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." 
"Give me the No Name," she says. 

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." 

"Why?" he asks. 
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A cannibal invited a cannibal ...

A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for supper one evening.

While enjoying the soup, the friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".

The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going to miss her."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem.

 

Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny watched, fascinated ...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bribe...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen." 

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. 

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." 

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
 

The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!" 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. 
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." 

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" 
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said. 
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. 
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. 

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. 
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" 
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde With Top Down

There were two blondes the just came out of the mall. As they walked through the parking lot, they remembered that they had left the keys in the car.

Realizing that they were locked out, the blondes got a hanger and tried to open the door. Hard at work, the first blonde stopped to catch her breath.

The other blonde got worried as she looked up a the sky and said, "We've got to hurry up and get in before it starts to rain. I don't want to get the seats wet because the top is down.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" 
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: Want It On the Bill?

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception. 

He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk. “Wnd would you like these on your bill?” 

“Of course not,” the duck says. "I’d suffocate.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Lump In Your Shorts

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going. 

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?” 

"That's a tennis ball" he replies. 

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had tennis elbow, and that was bad enough!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Going To A Restaurant

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. 

You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

[worldangel]

Joke: Resisting An Officer

The meek-looking man had been hauled into court and now he stood shamefully before his attorney to explain his dilemma. 

“I was arrested for resisting an officer.” 

“Resisting an officer?” the lawyer cried in disbelief. 

“Yes,” said Mr. Stern. “I offered him five and he wanted ten.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So Just Stop It

A well-known ladies’ man with a long list of sexual conquests walks into his neighbourhood bar and orders a drink.

 

He looks a little worried, so the bartender asks him if anything is wrong. 

“I’m a little worried,” the stud replies. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop sleeping with his wife.” 

“So stop sleeping with his wife!” the bartender says. 

“I can’t. The jerk didn’t sign his name!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Samples

Q: Do you know why there are so many sex perverts at the supermarket? 

A: Because the baker shows you his buns, the butcher will show you his meat, and there's some woman in the store that always gives out free samples!

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Seen A Redhead?

The luxurious Reno hotel was engulfed in flames as the firemen battled the blaze. As the firemen attempted to rescue the guests, a man clad only in a towel came running from the hotel. “Have you seen a beautiful redhead running around naked?” he asked breathlessly. 

“No, I haven’t,” a fireman replied. 

“Well, if you do, you can have her,” the man said. “She’s already paid for.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Floor Please?

What floor, please?” asked the hotel elevator operator.

A young man at the back of the car called out, “Ballroom, please.” 

At which the man in front of him turned and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Water In the Fuel Injectors

Woman to her husband: "Bye darling, I’m going to take the car and go shopping." (Few minutes later) "The engine is not starting anymore, will you come and look at it?" 

Husband: "Have you checked the fuel?" 

Woman: "No, but there's water in the fuel injectors." 

Husband: "You don't know shit about mechanical stuff, so how do you assume this to be true?" 

Woman: "Because the car is in the pool." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is He?

A man heard that his wife was cheating on him. He came earlier from the job one day, and he saw his wife naked in the bed. 

"Where is he?" he shouted. He looked around the room and then under the bed, where the guy was laying with $100 bucks in his hand. 

The husband quickly took the money, and said to his wife, "Wait until I find him!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Giving Up Your Sex Life

Then there was this young man who left the priesthood after just two months. 

“Can you imagine,” he told a friend, “the torture of giving up your sex life only to have people come in and tell you the highlights of theirs?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's My Mop

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?" 

"That's my mop," she replies. 

The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" 

The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Want To Be Acquitted?

The lawyer was advising his pretty client. “When we go to court, I want you to wear a short skirt.” 

“But they are not in style,” she protested. 

“Do you want to be acquitted?” asked the lawyer. “Or do you want to be in style?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Dose of Viagra

 

The doctor comes in, sees Frank and asks, “What’s going on Frank?” 

Frank says, "I am here because I want you to prescribe me some Viagra." 

The physician mentions that because of his advance age he could only prescribe a small dose. 

“Oh, its ok, doctor, I just need it to quit peeing on my shoes.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Do You Need?

Three guys are buying underwear at a store. The first guy goes up to the clerk. "How many pairs ya need?" the clerk says. 

"Three," the first guy says. "One for wearing, one for washing, and one for special occasions." 

The second guy goes up to the clerk. "How many ya need?" asks the clerk. 

"Seven. One for Sunday, One for Monday, you know." 

"Good reason." 

The third guy thinks to himself, "Hmmm, I like getting attention, maybe I should think of something like that." 

"How many do ya need," the clerk says. 

"Twelve." 

"TWELVE?" 

"Yeah, one for January, one for February..." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sit With My Wife

 

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. 

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the bus driver, "I have a dead pussy." 

The bus driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.”

[worldangel]

Joke: This Won't Hurt A Bit

 

Three guys are at the water cooler talking about their dates the previous night.

 

Paul insists, “My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'" 

Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.” 

Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant, because she said, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: 300 Miles Away

The phone rang late one night and the wife answered the phone in a tired hushed voice.

 

Her husband listened as he heard his wife reply angrily, "How the heck should I know, it's 300 miles away!" 

She hung up the phone and her husband asked, "Who was that?" 

She said, "Some lady, asking me if the coast was clear!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Me A 68

 

A man at a bar picks up a girl. They go back to his place and start a bit of foreplay.

 

But the guy stops and says, “Listen give me a 68.” 

Mystified the girl says, “What the fuck is a 68?” 

He says, “Give me a blow job and I’ll owe you one!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: $100 Tattoo

A man wanted a hundred-dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So, he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. 

The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo. In the middle of the job, he asks the man, "Why are you doing this?" 

The man replies, "That's personal." 

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this?" 

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable. Here goes. There are three reasons. First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch money grow. Third, and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Couple of Stiff Ones

 

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. 

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” 

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said. 

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Work for A Condom Company

 

A man boarded a plane with 5 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” 

“No. I work for a condom company. These are customer’s complaints.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are My Witness   In front of her husband, a woman blamed the housekeeper for her missing underwear.  The housekeeper turns to the woman’s husband and says, "Sir, you are my witness, you know I never wear panties!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Is A Woman Like KFC?

Why is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken? 

Because after that succulent breasts and tender thighs, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

[worldangel]

Joke: Which Does He Choose?

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry.

 

He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. 

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.

 

The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.

 

The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. 

Which one does he end up marrying? 

The one with the biggest boobs. 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Are You Crying?

A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him.

 

“What’s the matter, little boy?” he asked. “Why are you crying?” 

The little boy said, “I’m crying because I can’t do what the big boys do.” 

The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Part On the Side

In the darkness of the all but empty theater balcony, the couple embraced so passionately the man’s toupee slid from his head.

 

Probing to find it in the darkness, he reached under his date’s skirt. 

“That’s it, that’s it!” she gasped. 

“It can’t be,” the fellow whispered back, “I part mine on the side.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Those Things Can Be Tricky 

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door. 

"Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her." 

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove." 

"Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?” 

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” 

“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”