Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Just the Good News and Quickly!
 

One of my employees who was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that had good news and bad news. 

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good News and Bad News
 

One sunny day a man decided to go jump from an airplane. When he jumped there was good and bad news.... 

Good news: He had a parachute. 

Bad News: It didn’t work. 

Good News: There was a haystack down below. 

Bad news: There was a pitchfork in the haystack. 

Good News: He missed the pitchfork. 

Bad News: He missed the haystack. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going To A Lecture
 

A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer. 

“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer. 

“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk. 

“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?” 

“My wife.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Embrace Your Mistakes
 

My significant other and I were discussing mistakes we have made in our relationship. 

I suggested she should embrace her mistakes. 

She then hugged me. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Soup For Lunch
 

One morning my wife asked our four-year-old son, Jud, what he wanted for breakfast. 

”Soup,” he said. 

“Son, we don’t eat soup for breakfast. We eat soup for lunch. So what would you like for breakfast?” 

“Lunch,” he replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Has It Got Rubies and Diamonds
 

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." 

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I ask coyly. 

"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever Names
 

“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son. 

“Bob,” he said. 

“And your cat?” 

“Bob.” 

“How do you keep them straight?” 

“Well one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered. 

“Tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested. 

The kid smiled and said, “Dennis Hopper.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Places I've Never Been
 

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you "can't" go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I've made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work. 

I have also been in Doubt. That's a sad place to go, and I try not to visit too often. 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. 

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bachelors, Larry and Frank...

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank, were out to dinner. 

The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. 

I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” 

Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. 

You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridal Registry

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, “I think she's too young to get married.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because,” she said, “they registered for Nintendo games.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a therapist...

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." 

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. 

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?" 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally ...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes kids

A blonde was with her husband shopping and she decided that they would shop in different parts of the mall.
 

They meet in the middle 2 hours later and she announces, "I just got kids."

The husband stares amazed, looking at the kids he says, "Those are 2 baby goats!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ready but not willing

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: “Veterinarian's Office.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers On A Flight

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. 
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." 

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." 
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation. 

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. 

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?" 
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!" 

Management Lesson: 

Always carefully consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! 

Edited May 2, 2019 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: How You Earned It

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. 

"Yes?" 
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. 
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" 
"8:25!" 

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. 
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at lightning speed.

 

The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hotel Lobby

A man, his wife, and his son from waaaay out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have.

 

One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top.

 

They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, vougly dressed, sachays out, walking by the man and his son who’s eyes and dropped jaws follow her by.

The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Boooyyy", says the man to his son... "Go get your mother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Girls Are Hungry

A number of showgirls were entertaining the troops at a remote Army camp. They had been performing all afternoon and were not only tired but also very hungry. 

Finally, at the close of the show, the major asked, “Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” 

“Either way,” spoke up one of them. “But we’ve just got to have something to eat first.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Many Eggs A Day?
 

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?” 

“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?” 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tipping
 

The blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were debating whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. 

The player said: “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Similarly, when I get good cards, the dealer isn’t responsible. So why should I tip him?” 

The dealer countered: “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?” 

“Er, yes.” 

“Well, he serves you food, and I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.” 

“Fair enough,” said the player, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an eight...”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This Stepford Wife Needs Help
 

One day a Stepford Wife entered an auto body shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car. The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out. 

The Stepford Wives went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when The Stepford Wife from across the street walked over and asked what she was doing? 

After hearing the whole story, the second Stepford Wife pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spelling of Baby Names
 

They decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. 

That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally and once the cheers die down a little, I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” 

My brother replies, “Yeah. Landa Noelle.” 

Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. 

Then after a moment I shout, “How the heck are you supposed to spell Landa with no L?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Away Fido

One day a man was eating dinner at his girlfriend’s parents. The dog was under his chair and it barked while he was holding in a fart. 

This startled the man and caused him to rip a small fart. The mom said, "Fido!" 

Since the dog was receiving the blame, he decided to rip a huge one. Again, the mother said, "Fido! Go Away!” 

Seeing as the dog was continuing to receive the blame, he let out a wet, loud, and/or possibly deafening fart. Then his girlfriend said, “Fido, you heard mom, leave before he shits on you!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Ever

Geraldine: "Have you ever come across a man who, at the slightest touch, caused you to thrill and tremble and vibrate in every fiber of your being?" 

Mabel: "Oh, yes, for sure... the dentist."

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Suited For
 

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in the dumps. 

"What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill. 

Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for." 

"Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill. 

Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Milking The Cow
 

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. 

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. 

It went in one ear and out the udder. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Suppose I Gave You $100 On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.   The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."  "Sure does."  "I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"  "I wouldn't say that."  "Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"  "Well, I don't know."  "Two hundred dollars. That should do it."  "Sounds good."  The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."  "I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Put Your Hand Up

A little girl was told off for wetting herself in class. 

"Why didn't you put your hand up", asked the teacher? 

"I did, but it kept running out."

[worldangel]

Joke: What About the Smell?

A husband and his wife were driving down the road when a car ahead of their's hit a skunk. Being the humanitarians that they are, they stopped, picked up the skunk, and put him in the back seat for there was a vet right up the road. 

They proceeded to the vet when on the way the driver sees police lights in the rear-view mirror. Panicking, the wife says, "What should I do with the skunk? 

"Put it up your skirt!" the husband replies. 

"But what about the smell?" 

"Just pinch his nose"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No-No for Jewellery
 

As a man serviced an alarm system at a jewellery store recently, the saleswoman let him know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale. 

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something," she suggested. 

"I don't have a girlfriend," he answered. 

"No girlfriend? Why not?" 

"My wife won't let me. "

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuck In Her Arse

Two women walking home after a heavy night of booze, needed to pee, so they ducked into a graveyard. They had no toilet paper so, one woman used her knickers and threw them away the other used a ribbon from a wreath. 

The next day their husbands were talking. "We'd better keep an eye on our wives," one said. "Mine came home without her knickers." 

"You think that is bad," said the other "mine came home with a card stuck in her arse, saying, 'From all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you!'" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Perfect Woman
 

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." 

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?" 

"Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." 

"Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend. 

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

[worldangel]

Joke: De Skull of Queen Cleopatra A tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. “Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, my friend,” said the trader, “only one hundred pounds.”  “No thank you,” said the tourist. “It’s far too expensive.”  “How ‘bout dis one, my friend?” said the street trader, producing a small skull.  “Whose skull is that?”  “Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was a little girl!”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Better Be A Good Reason

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

 

There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

 

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" 

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

[worldangel]

Joke: So Would I

The prudish old maid found herself seated next to a classy playboy at a formal affair. After a little, rather icy conversation, the lady attempted to dismiss the fellow with, “It’s quite obvious that we do not agree on a single, solitary thing.” 

The playboy smiled. “Oh, I don’t think that’s quite true, madam,” he said. “If you were to enter a bedroom in which there were two beds, and if, madam, there were a woman in one and a man in the other, in which bed would you sleep?" 

“Well,” the lady huffed indignantly, “with the woman, of course.” 

“You see, we agree,” the playboy said, laughing. “So would I.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Hour of Pleasure

The Principal of an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question... Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” 

A girl in the back of the class raises her hand and says, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Acute Angina

An elderly couple decides to marry, and she has a heart condition that he is unaware of.  As they prepare for their wedding night, getting into bed, she says, "George, I have something to tell you-- I have acute angina."  George crawled into bed and replied, "I'm glad to know that, because the rest of you is UGLY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A soldier was asked to report ...

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. 

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. 

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. 
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow." 

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked. 
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Naming the Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"

Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"

The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

[worldangel]

Joke: Support

Having awarded a divorce to Dorothy who had charged non-support, the Judge said to John, "I have decided to give your wife $500 a month for support."

"That's fine", said John, "And once in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: After 17 years of marriage, a man ...

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there to pack up her things.

While he was gone the first day, she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blame For A Bad Team
 

Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again.

 

The first fan said, "I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we'd be a great team." 

The second fan nodded and replied, "I blame the players. They just don't try hard enough." 

The third fan thought for a moment and then said, "I blame my mom and dad. If I'd been born in Boston, I'd be supporting a better team." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ungratefulness

In a very exclusive private school near Silicon Valley, a third-grade teacher was lecturing her upper high-class students about the less fortunate. She asked them each to write an essay about a poor family in the area. 

One young girl's paper began: 

"Once upon a time there was a poor family. The father was poor. The mother was poor. The children were poor. The nannies were poor. The pool man was poor. The personal trainer was poor. The gardeners were poor. This was a very poor family."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer Brown's Chickens

The chickens on farmer Brown’s farm refused to go all out in their egg laying. One day a football was accidentally kicked into the yard. 

The rooster looked at the football and said to the hens, “I’m not complaining, but look at the work they’re turning out next door.”