Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Without Touching Her Clothes

A man suggest a $1 bar bet to a well endowed young lady that despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breast without touching her clothes. 

Since this didn’t seem remotely possible, she is intrigued and accepts the bet. He steps up, cups his hands around her breasts and squeezes firmly. With a baffled look, she says, “Hey, you touched my clothes!” 

And he replies, “Okay, here’s your dollar."

[worldangel]

Joke: KY, Glove, and What Is That?

A man is having his first proctologic exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. 

As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 

When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?” 

The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brakes Don't Work

Two blonde guys are driving a car on a very hilly road. They get to the top of a very high steep hill and they start going down it very fast. 

The guy driving says, "Oh my God! The brakes don't work!" 

The guy in the passenger seat says, "Don't worry, there's a stop sign at the end of this hill."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Terrible Work History

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held. 

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." 

"Yes," says the man. 

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." 

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife's In Labour

A guy call 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labour and her water broke! 

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?” 

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Have An Affair

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” John tells his friend Bob. 

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Bob suggests. 

“But what if my wife finds out?” 

“Heck, this a new age we live in John. Go ahead and tell her about it!” 

So, Bob goes home and says, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.” 

"Forget it,” says his wife. “I’ve tried that, and it hasn't worked so far.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Now, Put Your Other Hand In

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to make love. The woman directed the man, “Go ahead. Put your finger in there.” 

So the man did, and after a few minutes, she said, “Put a few more in.” So the man put a few more in, and then she requested, “Put your whole hand in.” 

The man did this, and after a few moments the woman said, “Now put your other hand in.” So, the man did. The woman said, “Clap!” 

“I can’t,” replied the man. 

So, the woman said, “Tight, huh?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Are You Sure You Remember the Plan?

A Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank. The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Do you remember the plan?" 

"Yes," says the blonde. 

"Well let's go over it," says the Brunette. The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do. "You have 5 Minutes," says the Brunette. Twenty minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it. The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun. 

The blonde says, "F*** this", she lets go of the safe, and runs to the car. 

They are driving away and the Brunette screams. "YOU IDIOT, I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why The Big Pause?

A bear walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a, "vodka and...... tonic." 

The bartender said, "Sure, but why the big pause?" 

The bear replied, "Oh I use my paws for catching fish with."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Found It

Soon after a couple turns in for the night, the wife becomes aware that her husband is touching her in an unusual way. Not having had much physical contact with him for a while, she decides just to relax and enjoy herself. 

He runs his hands along her shoulders, then along her side, across her abdomen, down her leg, then up the inside of her leg. By this time, she is squirming with pleasure. He soon reaches down between her thighs… then abruptly stops and turns over. 

“Honey, why did you stop? I was just getting started,” she says. 

“I found the remote,” he says.

[worldangel]

Joke: Top or Bottom Bunk
 

After separate but lengthy trials two guys meet in a prison-cell and tried to get the upper or lower bunk. 

PRISONER #1: How long are you here for? 

PRISONER#2 : Twenty-seven years. How long are you in for? 

PRISIONER #1 : Twenty-five years. 

PRISONER #2 : Well, then, you sleep by the door: you'll get out before me. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Touch It, Timmy!

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise. "But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is." 

"A toy?" 

"No." 

"A new pencil?" 

"No," said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands. "Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work." 

"Don't touch it, Timmy!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talk Or Drink
 

A man arrives at a friend’s house with a bottle of vodka. The friend silently leads him into the dining room where they both sit at the table with the bottle. Not a word is spoken. 

The friend goes off and returns with two vodka glasses. The man fills the two glasses with the vodka, and they begin to drink. Not a word is spoken. 

After much silence and a half-empty bottle, the man ventures a comment, “Good vodka, agree?” 

At this, the friend slams down his glass and replies, “Did you come here to talk or to drink?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Go To The Principal's Office
 

The teacher in Little Johnny’s class approached him and directed he go to the principal's office. When he got there, the principle said to him, "Little Johnny, I've had complaints about you from all your teachers. What have you been doing?" 

Little Johnny replied, "Nothing, Sir!" 

The principal replied, "EXACTLY!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Walker and A Runner
 

A walker was ambling along a jogging course, when he stopped to fill up his one quart water bottle. 

When the bottle was almost filled, a runner came by and snatched the almost full bottle. 

The startled walker began to follow the jogger in order to get his bottle back. 

Hence the term: "Follow the litter!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Perspective
 

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. 

"What seems to be the problem, madam?" 

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hairy Situation
 

A bald man had a real hang-up about his lack of hair. He had tried all types of treatment, but without success. Then one day he passed a barber’s shop with a sign in the window that read: “Bald Men. Your Problems Solved Instantly. You Too Can Have a Head of Hair Like Mine For Five Hundred Dollars.” 

And beneath the sign was a photo of the barber with his flowing mane of hair. So the bald man went into the shop and asked the bartender, “Can you guarantee that for $500 my hair will instantly look like yours?” 

“Certainly,” said the barber. “It will take no more than a few seconds for us to look exactly alike.” 

“Okay then,” said the bald man, handing over the money. “Let’s go for it.” 

The barber took the money and shaved his own hair off.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Thrifty New Computer
 

A boy asks his parents for a new computer because his old one is running too slow. His parents tell him it’s not in the budget. 

Determined, the boy goes into the kitchen, grabs the microwave and food processor, comes back and begins attaching the two appliances together. His parents see the boy and ask him what he’s doing. 

He says, “First I’m building the microprocessor and then I’ll see what else we got lying around.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fourth One Today
 

A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, "Bud light please." 

He said, "Are you 18?" 

She said, "No." 

He said, "I can't serve you then." 

As I walked out, I thought to myself, "This is the fourth bar i have been in today. What does a 22-year old have to do to get a beer around here?"

 

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: Pothole Issues
 

Two DIZZY type ladies were discussing the big hole in a street as every day somebody fall in it... 

Dizzy A : We must find a solution cause every day some one is dead and the nearest hospital 20 Km. 

Dizzy B : I got it, we build a new hospital beside the hole. 

Dizzy A : It will take 5 - 10 years to build a hospital. After that everybody will be dead. I got a great solution... we close that hole and open another one beside the nearest hospital!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chocolate Intake
 

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. 

Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. 

I owe my life to chocolate!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Where's My Drink?
 

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass. 

When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Incentives
 

Boss: Why your performance has not improved this year? 

Employee: Because I didn't get good incentives. 

Boss: Why didn't you get good incentives? 

Employee: Because my performance has not improved this year??? 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ours Is Cuter
 

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband, and walked off. 

"Who was that?" the wife demanded. 

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress." 

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed. 

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your Mercedes, your furs, your jewellery, and our vacation home in Mexico?" 

For a long time, they continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Steve over there? Who's he with?" 

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied. 

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wealthy Art Collector
 

An attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." 

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." 

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." 

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" 

The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He's Exhausted Puns
 

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving, she tells a corrections officer, "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" 

The officer laughs, saying, "Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!" 

"That's not true!" she shouts. "He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty-Five Dollar Haircut
 

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut. 

“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber. 

“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?” 

The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fruits of Love

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down. They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night. The next morning, he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?” 

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.” 

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love. But would you please quit chuckn’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Picnic In the Road

Two idiots are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." 

The other idiot says, "No, no, let’s have it in the middle of the road." 

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and then ran into the tree. 

The second idiot says, “See, if we were over there, we would be dead right now."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Third Degree

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective. 

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of." 

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant. 

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One Piece of Tail

Three members of a weekly bridge quartet were all impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.

 

“That’s a lovely garment, Fran,” purred one woman. “It must have cost you a fortune!” 

“But it didn’t,” said Fran, “just a single piece of ass.” 

“You mean,” continued the admirer of the coat, “one that you gave your husband?” 

“No,” smiled the coat wearer, “one that he got from the maid.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting On His Lap

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap. 

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopping By the Convent

Three storks meet and ask each other, “Where are you going today?” 

“Hooo, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I bring them a little girl." 

"That’s cool! And you?” 

“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I bring her a boy!" 

“Very well, I'm sure she'll be really happy." 

And you?” The first two ask the third stork. 

“Me? I am going over to the nearby convent. I would never bring them anything, but I love to scare them.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boobs On Your Back

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" 

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Every Word Of It

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?" 

The student said, "Every word of it." 

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Turn for the Hole

A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?" 

The bartender replies, "It's not that bad. When we get lonely, we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it." 

So, after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had! What do I owe ya?" 

The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Take the Soup

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

 

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, “Supersex!” 

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex!” 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.

[worldangel]

Joke: At Least One Person

When David retired, he and his wife, who was much younger, moved to Arizona. Once they had settled in, he decided it was time to make a will, so he made an appointment with a lawyer. 

“It’s nice and straightforward,” he instructed the attorney. “Everything goes to Sarah – the house, the car, the pension, the life insurance – under the condition that she remarries within the year.” 

“Fine, Mr. Cohen,” said the lawyer. “But do you mind my asking why the condition?” 

“Simple, I want at least one person to be sorry I died.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Politeness
 

Two women are talking in a park. The first one says, "See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me." 

The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" 

The first one continues, "And see that shiny new car parked over there? My husband bought it for me." 

The second one replies, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" 

The first one reveals, "And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me." 

The second one answers, "Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!" 

The first one apologizes, "Oh, I'm sorry, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what have you been up to?" 

The second one responds, "Well, I've just completed a course on politeness." 

The first one asks, "A course on politeness? Why would you spend time on something like that?" 

The second one answers, "Because I used to say, 'Who gives a damn?' but now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really, really nice!'" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fruits of Love

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down. They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night. The next morning, he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?” 

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.” 

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love. But would you please quit chuckn’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Best Friends 

Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young girl was told by her mother, “Remember, dear, when he tries to touch you a certain way, a girl’s best friends are her legs.” 

Much to her mother’s dismay, however, several weeks later her daughter announced that she was pregnant. 

“What! How did it happen? Didn’t I tell you that your best friends are your legs?” 

“You did, Mama,” she replied. “But there comes a time when even best friends must part.”

[worldangel]

Joke: My Hanging Baskets

A teenager comes downstairs for her date in a see-through top and no bra. Her grandmother goes crazy and tells her she can’t go out dressed the way she is. 

The teenager says, “Loosen up, Grandma! These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out the door she goes. 

The next day the teen comes downstairs and finds the grandmother sitting in her favorite chair topless. The teen is mortified. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. 

The grandmother says, “Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will Make You Go Blind

Johnny was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day his father walked in on him while he was jerking off. 

Johnny was so embarrassed. He quickly pulled up his pants but his dad had already caught him. 

His dad said, "Johnny, doing that will make you go blind." 

"Dad, I'm over here," said Johnny.

[worldangel]

Joke: When the Rooster Stops Chasing

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. 

Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. 

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Pose for That?

A man sees a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at an art show and demands of her, "Did you really pose for that?" 

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replies. "Of course not. The artist painted it from memory."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Big Game Hunting

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the older woman. 

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! 

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!" 

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Spider With No Legs

A blonde decides to make an experiment.

 

She gets a spider, and pulls off two legs and tells it to walk.

 

It walks a few steps, so she removes another two legs and asks it to walk.

 

It walks a few more steps, so she yanks off another two legs and tells it to walk.

 

It walks, so she removes the last two legs and tells it to walk. 

Nothing happens, so she asks it again to walk. It doesn't move so she comes up with a conclusion.

 

She concludes that spiders with no legs are deaf.

[worldangel]

Joke: Did He Get Anything? 

A husband returning from a business trip was informed by his wife that a burglar had entered their house while he was gone. 

“Did he get anything?” the husband anxiously inquired. 

“I’ll say he did,” replied the wife. “It was dark and I thought he was you.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snobby Man
 

A snobby man looked at me at a party and said, "You look poor!" 

"Well," I clarified, "I've got an outfit for everyday of the week." 

"Do you really?" he replied. 

I said, "Yes. It's this one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Close Call
 

I had just become a Second lieutenant in The Marines when my mother and I were walking toward the Iwo Jima monument. We were about to cross the street when a truck was coming toward us. We jumped back out of the way. 

The driver, a USMC Gunny Sergeant slowed down, leaned out the window, saluted and told mother, "Don't worry, I wouldn't hit an officer -- there's too much paperwork in it."