Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Doctor's Note
 

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left. 

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. 

Its contents were thus: "Your fly is undone."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Need Viagra

An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor and asks for some viagra pills. The doctor asks, "How many do you want?" 

The old gent says, "Oh, about five, and cut them in quarters too!" 

The doctor says, "They won't do you any good that small." 

The old gent says, "I am too old for sex, all I want them for is to make it stick out far enough so I won't pee on my shoes."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Trip Down Route 66
 

My wife and I recently took a trip down Route 66. We took side trips if it looked promising. On one of these side trips we passed this quaint country store. Then we kept passing stores similar to that one.

After the third time my wife says out loud, "How many roads does a man have to drive down before he admits he's lost?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Diet
 

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in two weeks."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Not yet," the first replied, "I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Spell-Checker
 

Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mother Called
 

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:

"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Train My Dog
 

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. He gets a recommendation for a great dog trainer and decides to go there. The dog owner walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog?"

The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a quick demonstration of how I work."

He dumps a box full of bones on the floor and blows a whistle. A dog comes in and makes a skeleton with the bones.

"Wow!" says the dog owner, "What kind of dog is that?"

"That's a nurse's dog," responds the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building.

The dog owner says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"

"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes all the bones and runs away.

"What kind of dog is that?" says the dog owner.

"That's a lawyer's dog."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Leaning
 

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Gift
 

Figuring that her 4 year old son Kevin was listening in the next room, Janet decided to tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift she had bought the boy by spelling out the words "fire truck".

Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great Christmas gift."

From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duet Cold
 

Bob: How are we going to sing tonight with these colds?

Charlie: I’ll sing solo and you sing tenor!

Bob: Solo? Tenor? What in the world are you talking about?

Charlie: I’ll sing solo, so low that I can’t be heard! You sing tenor, ten or twelve miles down the road!

[worldangel]

Joke: Four Wonderful Words
 

Two young lady friends hadn't seen each other in a long time and decided to meet for lunch. Their conversation got around to their respective love lives.

Marcy confessed there really wasn't anyone in her life at the moment. Heather started smiling like crazy when talking about her new beau. "He's perfect. He's so sweet. Then last night he said those four little words I've been waiting to hear."

"What? He asked you to marry him?" Marcy asked.

Heather said, "No, he said 'put your money away.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Biggest Cavity
 

"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

 

"Good Goodness!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen... the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"Okay Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."

"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you think of a ...

Teacher to a student: "Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?" 

"Yes, sir! I'd put all the men on one island and the women on another." 

"And what would they be doing then?" 

"Building boats!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it.

 

The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears.

 

The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 

Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 

Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After surgery

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Good News

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the secretary said to her boss.

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" her boss asked. "Can't you tell me some good news for once?"

"OK," the secretary replied, "you're not sterile!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ever seen anything like this before?

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away.

 

His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear.

 

She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.

 

She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

 

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament.

The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

[worldangel]

Joke: College Pride

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Slogans....

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, Tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And John answered, "Mom...."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Reporting For Duty, Sir!

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for an assignment.

The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a computer and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said: "Report for work at 8:00 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "That's not necessary,” he replied:

"You passed the test when you sat down at the computer instead of the adding machine."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a party, a guy approached a...

At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........

He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the toilet.

He does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Answer the Question

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,“ he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" 

There was no answer. The attorney repeated the question. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." 

"Oh," the startled witness said, “I'm sorry. I thought he was talking to you, judge."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Like A News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.

 

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down." 

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin." 

"Why's that?" 

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Better Health Plan

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. 

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." 

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. 

"What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" 

"Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

Joke: Create Your Own Fun

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" 

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name, he glared at me, and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So, I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. 

But I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can't Pee Anymore

An old man goes to the emergency room. “What seems to be the problem?” he is asked at the desk. 

“I can’t pee anymore!” 

“Well, how old are you?" 

“I am eighty-five-years old.” 

“Well then sir, you have peed enough.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Kill the Pig

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary. 

“Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.” 

Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.” 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: When Did You Start?

As they were undressing in the locker room prior to a vigorous racquetball match, Dan was surprised to see John slip off a pair of women’s panties. 

“Say, old shoe,” he said, “I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but, when did you start wearing ladies’ underwear?” 

Dan replied, “Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Never Divorce

A couple is being interviewed by the local newspaper on the occasion of their golden wedding anniversary. 

“In all these years, did you ever consider divorce?” the reporter asks. 

“Oh, no, not divorce,” they reply as one. “Murder sometimes, but never divorce.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Man Who Comes to Visit

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. 

If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence... 

“The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Three Sectors of Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. The devil explains that there are three sectors in hell, and that the man gets to choose where he would like to spend eternity.

First, the man sees many people standing on their heads in fire. Their screams convince him that he does not want to be there. 

Second, the man sees many people standing on their heads in ice. Their pleading eyes convince him that his cold nature could not stay there. Third, the man sees many people standing around ankle deep in horse manure and drinking coffee. He tells the devil that he could adjust to the smell and that he liked coffee. So the man chose the third sector for eternity. 

As the door slammed shut, the man heard an announcement, "Coffee break is over, everybody stands on your head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Telepathic Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 

"What's it telling you now?" she asks. 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" 

"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Faster Fire-fighting truck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" 

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my fire truck!" 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. 

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl. 

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." 

The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Write You A Check

A desperate mugger approached a lady and told her to hand over all her money. 

When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her big boobs and began feeling around. 

“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Need A Man

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" 

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. 

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Life of Riley

A new inmate is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new inmate looks at the old-timer inquiringly. 

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." 

The new inmate asks, "What happened?" 

"Well, one day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That You, Frank?

"“I think I have finally cured my husband of coming home in the wee hours of the morning,” the wife proudly announced to her friend. “Last night, when I heard him fumbling downstairs, I yelled, ‘Is that you, Frank?'” 

“How has that cured him?” questioned her friend. 

“Well, his name is Ed.”" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snake Needs Glasses

A snake’s eyesight is failing so it pays a visit to the optometrist. “It’s actually affecting my life. I can’t hunt anymore because I can’t see.” The doctor fits the snake for glasses and the snake immediately notices an improvement in his eyesight. 

A week later, the doctor calls the snake to check how the glasses are holding up. “They are fine,” the snake, answers. “But now I’m being treated for depression.” 

“Depression?” asked the doctor. 

“Yeah, my eyesight cleared up, but it made me realize I’ve been dating a garden hose.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Head Over Heels

 

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." 

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Close Enough

85-year old Lucy bursts into the game-room at the retirement home.

 

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” 

Lucy thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lower My Sex Drive

A 90-year old man finally gets to see a doctor. The doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man says he wants the Doctor. to lower his sex drive. 

The Doctor. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, "Just how old are you?" 

The man answers, "I am 90." 

The doctor, still a little confused, says "You are 90 and you want your sex drive lowered?" 

"Yes," said the man, "it's all in my head and I want you to lower it."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Please Show The I.D.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." 

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. 

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. 
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball bat...

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Way To Save Your Marriage

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A compliment....

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast.

 

He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The New Viagra

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?" 

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." 

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. 

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. 

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." 

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit.

[worldangel]

Joke: Fighting for Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance.

[worldangel]

Joke: It was the annual homecoming dance

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym.

 

Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor.

After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming.

She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."