Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Put Your Umbrella Up
 

Two ladies are walking to their local County Fair, when it starts to rain. One says to the other, "Put your umbrella up, it's raining." 

"I can't," says the other, "it's got holes in it." 

"Holes in it?" the first lady asks. "Why did you bring it with you?" 

The response, "I didn't think it would rain."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Then She Was Gone 

A woman had been in a coma for a while. Her doctors told her husband that they had tried everything they could and that she was near death. 

There was only one experimental procedure left to try to revive her and that would be oral sex. The husband agreed to try. They provided privacy for the couple and watched the monitor of her condition... blip ... blip... BLIP... then flat line... she was gone. 

The husband came out shaking his head and said, "I hope I didn't choke her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Trip To Alcatraz
 

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. 

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

 

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. 

Finally, they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Gift
 

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. 

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" 

Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh I remember!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fried Egg or Boiled Egg
 

Little Johnny walked into his classroom with a fried egg on his head. 

The teacher asked, "Why do you have a fried egg on your head?" 

Little Johnny responded, "Because a hard boiled egg rolls off."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Dare You In Front of My Wife

While eating a local diner, Mr. And Mrs. Mars exchanged horrified looks as the trucker sitting next to them lets out an enormous belch. 

Indignantly tapping him on the shoulder, Mr. Mars says, “How dare you belch like that before my wife! 

Looking up from his soup, the trucker says, “Sorry. I didn’t know it was her turn.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Great Reward 
 

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. 

"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the test." 

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." 

One final student rose up and opted out of the final. 

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourselves," he said. "You all get 'A's."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Riding My Bike
 

I was riding my bike when my good friend Aaron stepped off the curb. 

Even though I was able to stop, I ran him over. As he got up and examined his bruises, he asked me why I didn't stop. 

"I couldn't," I said. "After all, I was running Aarons!"

[worldangel]

Joke: When It's Better to Spill 

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get... Parkinson's or Alzheimer?" 

The man answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A Long Distance

One sperm says to another, "How long will it take to get to the egg?" 

The other sperm replies, "Quite a while, we have to pass the tonsils first!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Missing Diaphragm

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early-afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As things get hot and heavy, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Nights In A Row

Kevin is watching a movie on Friday night and feels rather amorous. He says to his wife, "Hey honey, how about it?” 

She says, “I have a headache.” 

Saturday nigh they are in bed, and he asks, “Sweetheart, how about it?” 

She says, “I’m too tired.” 

Sunday night he climbs into bed, puts his arm around her, and says again, “Well how about it?” 

She pushes him sway and says, “Three nights in a row? What are you, a sex maniac?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep My Husband in Line

The weeping bride poured her heart to the renowned marriage counsellor.

 

“Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?” 

The counsellor frowned. “Young lady,” he said, “your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!” 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Going Down In Flames

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine. When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her. She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.” 

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine. It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them. She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.” 

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire. “Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells. 

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” He replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Imagine the Fix

“I have nine children and I’ve just found out my husband has never really loved me,” said the distraught woman to her lawyer. 

“There, there, my dear,” said the lawyer, trying to reassure her. “Just imagine the fix you would be in today if he had.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Is Her Heart 

A ninety-year-old woman decides that she’s seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she comes to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method is to shoot herself through the heart. 

The trouble is she isn’t certain about exactly where her heart is, so she phones her doctor and asks him. He tells her that her heart is located two inches above her left nipple. 

So, she shoots herself in the left kneecap.

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Honeymoon Guessing Game

Having carried his new wife across the threshold the husband said to her, "Before we make love, I've got a guessing game I would like to play with you." 

In an excited mood, the eager new wife said, "Oh I love guessing games!" 

"Good," he said. I’m going down to the pub, you sit here and guess what time I'll be home!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Watt Bulbs
 

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. 

"Have you any two watt bulbs?" 

"For what?" 

"That’ll do, I'll take two." 

"Two what?" 

"I thought you didn’t have any." 

"Any what?" 

"Yes please!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: In Flight Emergency?
 

On a recent flight from New York to Seattle an elderly lady stands up and shouts, "Is there a doctor here?" 

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her, "I am. What is the problem?" 

She replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Filled To The Brim
 

A pirate walks into a pub on the mainland with an enormous rainbow feathered parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep stares at the rather intimidating bird until he finally gathers enough courage to ask the pirate about it. 

He points at the pirate and says, “Where did you get that?” 

“Pirate Bay,” the parrot answers, “the place is filled to the brim with ’em!” 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's In the Proof
 

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar. The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house. 

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?" 

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate scientist says to the bartender, "Those climate-change deniers! You can show them the proof but they still won't buy it!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Saved Wish
 

A fellow was given a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF, out popped a genie! 

The genie said, "I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like." 

The guy thought for a minute and said, "I would like a billion dollars." 

"You shall have it," said the genie and he granted him the wish. "Anything else?" 

The guy thought for a while and said, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, an incredible radio, you know - and all the works!" 

"Your wish is my command," said the genie, making the dream car appear. "What is your last wish?" 

"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day," answered the birthday boy. 

"OK, suit yourself," replied the genie. "I'll wait and listen, ready to answer." 

The happy guy got in his new car and drove off to show all his friends. As he turned on the radio, a familiar commercial came on and he began to sing along, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener..."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Robbing A Bank
 

The bank robber enters the bank with his gun drawn in plain sight. 

He walks to the middle of the lobby, pauses for a few seconds, turns around a couple of times, and then approaches a teller. 

Then scratching his temple with the gun barrel, he says to the teller, "Do you ever enter a room and forget why?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ideas For A Musical
 

A guy kept boring his friends by going on and on about his ideas for a musical based on his life. 

Eventually one of them said to him, “Look man, there’s no need to make a song and dance about it!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Piece of Tail

Three members of a weekly bridge quartet were all impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.

 

“That’s a lovely garment, Fran,” purred one woman. “It must have cost you a fortune!” 

“But it didn’t,” said Fran, “just a single piece of ass.” 

“You mean,” continued the admirer of the coat, “one that you gave your husband?” 

“No,” smiled the coat wearer, “one that he got from the maid.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Me Some Good News
 

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." 

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." 

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fourth of July
 

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 

"We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free." 

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vision and Sight 
 

What's the difference between a vision and a sight? 

When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning she's a sight! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Booties

A baby girl and boy are having a conversation. "I'm a girl,” replies the girl. 

"How do you know?" asks the boy. 

"I heard my mommy say it". 

"I'm a boy,” replies the boy. 

"How do you know?” 

The baby boy takes of his blanket off and says, "See my blue booties?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Alcohol Is A Crutch

Concerned about his heavy drinking, a man went to see a psychiatrist. 

The psychiatrist tells him, “You use alcohol as a crutch.” 

The man responds, “So how come I fall over when I’m drunk?”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Boobs On Your Back

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" 

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Second-hand Goods 

A bitter divorced guy bumped into his ex-wife’s new husband at a cocktail party.

 

After a few drinks, he strolled conceitedly over to him and sneered, “So, how do you like using second-hand goods?” 

“It doesn’t bother me,” said the new husband. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Keep Having the Same Dream 

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink. 

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.” 

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks. 

“I push them away,” the man says. 

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks. 

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going to be A Hunter 

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." 

The next one says, "I want to be an Olympics swimmer because I get so much practice in here." 

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twelve Bees
 

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. 

“You’ve given me one too many.” 

“That one is a freebie.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Zooscapers
 

In the zoo, a giraffe, talking to a buffalo says, “Yeah, I know. They can totally get out but they choose to hang around.” 

A seal says a walrus, “That’s right. I’ve seen the big hairy one crawling under the bushes outside the gate.” 

A woodchuck says to a prairie dog, “I saw it chew up all the grass. I think we might be related somehow. Maybe cousins.” 

Opposite the animals, eating their lunch, one landscaper says to the other, “I wonder if they talk to each other?” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Advice
 

When a woman in my office became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice.

 

"The first seven years are the hardest," she said. 

"How long have you been married?" I asked. 

"Seven years," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Total Vote of Confidence
 

The Dean is hospitalized after a heart attack. 

As he is lying in his hospital bed reflecting on his near brush with death, an attendant arrives with a lovely bouquet of flowers. 

The Dean asks the attendant to hand him the card and finds that it reads, "By a vote of 26 to 3 with 2 abstentions, the faculty wish you a speedy recovery."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell Me Truthfully

Old Jack had moments to live. At his bed side were his family. His wife was there, as were his four sons, three of which had blonde hair. The other one had red hair. 

"Clara, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Tell me truthfully, is he really my son?" 

Clara put her hand on her heart and fervently swore that yes, he was his son. "Oh, thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face. 

As the family left, the room, the wife sighed deeply, "Good thing he didn’t ask about the other three."

[worldangel]

Joke: A grocer delivery man was sick...

A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him. "Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny. Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."

"Okay," says his mate, "got it."

So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."

Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."

The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r." And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.

 

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch.

 

After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped.

 

"About a half a block up the street," the drunk said.

 

"Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." 
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." 

"Yes I do!" 
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" 
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down." 
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" 

"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down." 
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" 
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him." 
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" 

"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." 
"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" 

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong number...

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

 

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

 

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball bat...

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Are You Weak? 

Son: Mom, hi. How are you? How’s everything your overseas holiday?
Mom: Not too good. I’ve been weak. 

Son: Why are you weak?
Mom: Never mind. 

Son: What’s wrong?
Mom: Never mind. It’s okay. 

Son: Why are you weak, Mom?
Mom: I haven’t eaten in thirty days. 

Son: That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten?
Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food, if you should call!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Job Is Better  

The divorce attorney and the gynaecologist were discussing the merits of their profession. 

The attorney said, “I love my work. Every day women come into my office, tell me all their problems, and pay me good money for my advice.” 

The gynaecologist topped him, though. “Well, in my line of work,” he said, “women come to my office, take off their clothes, tell me their problems, and pay me good money for my advice.”
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magic Mirror

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a mirror." Kayla and Jessica Agree.

 

They go down to the thrift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful mirror with a golden trim. All of the girls love the mirror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the mirror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that mirror. There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disappear forever!"

 

Melissa didn't believe in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think i have the prettie’s shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disappears.

 

Then Kayla goes up to the mirror and says, "I think I have the pretties shirt in the whole world!" And POOF! She disappears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disappears!
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Blonde Horse Sense

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horse’s ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"