Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: RUNNING LATE: Official Glossary
 

The official glossary to running late... 

"On the way..." - Still in bed. 

"In the car..." - In the shower. 

"GPS says 35 min..." - Getting ready. 

"There's traffic..." - Leaving the house. 

"Parking now..." - 15 minutes out. 

"Can't find a spot..." - 5 minutes out. 

"Walking in..." - Looking for a spot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When Dad Goes Shopping
 

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. 

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Faxing A Sensitive Memo 
 

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 

2nd Person: "A little. What’s wrong?" 

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 

1st Person: "It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does It Bite?
 

My neighbour called and invited me over to see his new aardvark. 

When I arrived, he asked, if I would like to play with him? 

The aardvark was growling loudly and does not seem very friendly so I ask, "Does it bite?" 

My neighbour replied, "That's what I want to find out..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Dance With A New Name
 

One of the oldest dances popular in D.C. has a new name: The Politician. 

"All you have to do is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flat Idea
 

A criminal has an idea for a business. To execute the crooked plan, he hires a partner. He explains everything, “First, you secretly flatten people’s car tires. Then, offer our tire changing service through an advertisement. Got it?” 

A few weeks later, after getting no customers, the cops show up at their tire changing garage, placing them under arrest due to suspicious advertising. On the way to jail, the criminal who thought up the plan asks the partner about the advertisement. 

“Well, I had a great idea. I realized we could save ourselves a lot of time by stabbing our flyer directly into the tire.” 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Shape? 
 

A man went to buy his wife a new bra but had no idea what size she needed. Sales lady tried to help him. She asked, "Is your wife shaped like a grapefruit?" 

"No, not a grapefruit." 

"Is she shaped like an orange?" 

"Um no, not an orange." 

"Is she shaped like an egg?" 

Man's face lights up, "Yes, that's it! Like a fried egg!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Heard It
 

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk. 

Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning. 

Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins! 

Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's The Word
 

A girl is doing a crossword puzzle... 

"What's a 7-letter word for 'easily perceived or understood' that starts with 'O'?" 

"Isn't it obvious?" 

"It should be, but I can't figure it out. That's why I'm asking."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thought I Recognized You
 

Attending the funeral of a close friend I thought I recognized a lady I had not seen in 25 years. 

I went up to her and said, "You look like Helen Black..." 

She replied and walked away, "You don't look so good in brown!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Bullshitting Me  

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." 

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." 

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" 

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: She's Banging Her Boyfriend

A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?" 

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend." 

When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?" 

The little boy replied, "Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend" 

The minister fainted.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Learning the Keyboard
 

Jim bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Jim said, "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." 

But after further explanation, he managed to find it. A week later, Jim again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Jim's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing." 

To cheer him up, the instructor said, "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Wanted To Watch the Game
 

"Man, me and my wife had a fight yesterday." 

"Oh yea, about what?" 

"You see, I wanted to watch the game but she wanted to watch a movie." 

"So, how was the movie?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How To Use A Chain Saw
 

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour.

 

The salesman recommends the top of the line model.

 

The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. 

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! 

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says, “What’s that noise?” 

 

Edited September 4, 2019 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: How NOT To Paint Lines
 

Ralph took a job with a construction to paint lines on Texas Road 82. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed. 

The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet. 

The boss sat him down and said, "Ralph, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?". 

Ralph replied, "Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Pregnant Again 
 

A deaf old lady went to the doctor to find out whether there was any risk of her getting pregnant again. 

He told her, “Mrs. Marx, you’re seventy-five. Whilst one can never rule out an act of God, if you were to have a baby, it would be a miracle.” 

When she got home, her husband asked her what the doctor had said. 

“I didn’t quite catch it all,” she admitted, “but it sounded a bit fishy; something about an act of cod, and if I had a baby, it would be a mackerel.”

[worldangel]

Joke: My Drunk Date  

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand.

 

The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?”

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem Solving
 

The teacher told her class to copy the math problems she had written on the board and to draw a line between each problem.

 

When she was grading the papers, she noticed that little Susie had drawn flowers between the problems. 

Teacher to Susie: "These are very pretty flowers, but why did you draw them on your math assignment?" 

Susie: "I had to draw flowers because I don't know how to draw lions."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trying To Get Home
 

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. 

She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you, "You're going straight to hell!" 

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Oh man, I'm on the wrong bus!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ever Since My Wife Found It  

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden burst of fashion daring. He says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings?”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” the other guy replies sheepishly.

“Well, I’m curious. How long have you been wearing an earring?”

“Well, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect Honeymoon
 

A young secretary in my office was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation.

 

She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married. 

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then?" 

"What, and ruin my vacation?" she whined.

[worldangel]

Joke: Listen To Your Lawyer
 

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can." 

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Engagement Ring Return
 

Michelle: I hear you broke off your engagement to Rob. Why? 

Irina: It's just that my feelings toward him weren't the same any more. 

Michelle: Are you returning the ring? 

Irina: No way! My feelings toward the ring haven't changed one bit!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I’ve Started Growing Herbs
 

I’ve started growing herbs in my garden. 

To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order. 

My neighbour asked me, “How do you find the time?” 

I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual physical...

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Baiting

A truck driver hauling a load of computers stops for dinner.

As he approaches the door, he sees a big sign on the door saying, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down.

The waiter comes over to him, sniffs, and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The man says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The waiter says, "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and takes his order.

As he is eating, a skinny guy walks in with tape on his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The waiter, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the nerdy guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The waiter said, "Not to worry. The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his meal, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load.

So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Came First 

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

 

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.
 

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Must Think I'm Dumb

 
A policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off.

 

“Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly.

“You must think I’m dumb,” said the officer.

 

“You stand here, I’ll get it.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Interfering With the TV 

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance?" asked the medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes," replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife. She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital," the medic replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind," said the husband. "It can wait. We have an HMO which doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it off? It's interfering with the TV."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guest Towel & Toilet Paper
 

Sam: Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper? 

Bob: No... 

Sam: In that case, don't use our bathroom.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: CDs vs LPs
 

Compact disc manufacturers were worried about music industry plans to phase out CDs and bring back LPs.

 

Defending the threat to their livelihood, the CD manufacturers took their case to court, where the judge listened patiently to a lengthy debate about the relative merits of CDs and LPs. 

After weighing up the various arguments, the judge ruled in favour of LPs. 

The CD manufacturers were furious. “Do we have no right of appeal?” they demanded. 

“I’m afraid not,” said their lawyer. “The judge’s decision is vinyl.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Left To Live For? 

Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. 

"I don’t want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what is wrong. 

"Oh daddy," Johnny sobs, "at age six I got the 'there is no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there is no Easter bunny' speech.

Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there is no tooth fairy' speech. If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

[worldangel]

Joke: So, What You're Telling Me
 

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let’s go!" 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. 

"Because I’m a photographer for cable news," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots." 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is… you’re NOT my flight instructor?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bedtime
 

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. 

"I don't want to hear you call 'Mother' one more time!" she warned him sternly. 

After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs, "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse country

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding.

He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

One of the locals spoke up on hearing this said, "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

 

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

 

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

 

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. 

"Is it wine?" she guessed. 

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne ? 

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglar and an Elderly Woman

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." 

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Name The States

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

 

One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

 

Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.

Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer in the house!

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about admission to college, said, "Fred, what made you decide that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"My point is," answered Fred, "have you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and scream hysterically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A brunette who really hated blonde ...

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.

 

After rubbing the lamp, the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for. So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.

'Every blonde in the world will get two million.' The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.

'Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.'

The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes. 'Now for your third wish.' said the genie.

'See that stick over there?', asked the brunette, 'I want you to beat me half to death with it.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Immaculate Miracle?

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

 

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings."

 

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess."

 

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

 

The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Confession 

A newly married couple was in bed on their wedding night for the first time.

 

Before they began, the wife said, a little nervously, "I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I've been with another man". 

"Well, said the husband, "I have a confession to tell also. I've also been with another man".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Facts of life...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-fact replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This duck walks into a convenience ...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Welles and Link were lost in the ...

Welles and Link were lost in the desert and hadn't eaten in weeks. Suddenly they stumbled on a dead coyote covered with maggots.

Welles, at the point of starvation, couldn't control himself. He threw himself on the rotting animal and began eating it. Ten minutes later, he threw up all over the place.

At that moment, Link began eating what his friend had just vomited. He stopped for a moment and said, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd have a hot meal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunting Owls

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned.

Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad.

Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?"

Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man."

Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

"Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

"So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz.

Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Internet purchases

Purchase from the internet can turn out to be disastrous. 

Jeremy bought a penis enhancer for $ 100. He received a handheld magnifier with the instruction, "Not to be used in sunlight."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Better write it down...

My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"

"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.

Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.

You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.

Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.

She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
 

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fxck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."