Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Extremely drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back.

 

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

 

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

[worldangel]

Joke: Counseling

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get.”

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

“I certainly did,” the man said. “I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.

“On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he's done me world of good.”

“But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.

“Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A farmer and his wife decided ...

A farmer and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare.

 

The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth.

 

After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

[worldangel]

Joke: An enterprising, but bashful sailor ...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time. 

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan. 

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?" 

He replies, "Rick Venus" 

She says, "Lick Penus?" 

He says, "Sure how much?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Morning Golf Outing

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf. One remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" And she said, "Take a sweater..."

[worldangel]

Joke: He Doesn't Have to Run

A guy goes to his first baseball game. He caught on quickly. Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, everyone would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

Then one runner started walking to 1st, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you lazy bastard! Run!"

The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run. The guys asks, "Why not?"

The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls. Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Brushes

While grocery shopping, a single man comes across toilet brushes, “Wow! What a great idea!” he thinks to himself.

So he buys three of them.

Two weeks later he goes back to using toilet paper.

[worldangel]

Joke: The GREAT Dentist

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant.

 

They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.

 

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says, "You must be a dentist?"

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies, "Easy, you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Easy... I didn't feel a thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: She's A Virgin

A boy came running up to his father and said, "Daddy, Daddy, I’ve met the woman I want to marry!"

The father says, "Tell me about her, son."

The son says, "Well, she’s pretty, she can cook, and Daddy, Daddy, she's a virgin!"

The father says, "Well son, if she isn’t good enough for their family, then she isn’t good enough for ours."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Bending Over

Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween. After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled.

While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?"

The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bulls racing towards them. He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull."

After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"

The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can Girls Have Babies?

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny runs back outside, and his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Why Did You Do That?

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth.

 

The woman then whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.

 

Surprised and disorientated he said, "Now why did you do that?"

She replied, "That is for 50 years of horrible sex!"

So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack.

 

This time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says, "What was that for?”

He replied, "That is for knowing the difference."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grudge Pregnancy

A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Do You Prepare Your Chickens?

A guy sits down at a restaurant when the waiter comes over to see if he has any questions.

The guy puts down the menu and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”

“Well, sir there’s not much to it. We just flat out tell them they’re going to die.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Complicated order....

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a clinic to have ...

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.

The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood.

She can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Man's Perfect Breakfast

Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice.

On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover.

Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton.

[worldangel]

Joke: Not So Bad

A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank, he points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her.

The man puts the gun to her head and says, "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you!"

So she does. Just then he takes off his mask and says, "See honey, it's not so bad."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Larry, a computer programmer for ...

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation. 

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him," she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing Wild

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The guy says, before we go any...

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well that's ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble hearing....

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Let’s check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A broom wedding...

Two brooms were hanging in the closet, and after they got to know each other a bit, decided to get married.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely and attended by all the push brooms and dust mops.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and whispered to the groom broom, "We're soon going to have a little whisk broom!"

"Impossible!" said the groom broom, indignantly. "We haven't even swept together yet!!!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: I told my girlfriend last night...

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again.

I asked her why she would say that, and she said, "Because I'm your father."

[worldangel]

 Joke: During a robbery, one of the robber's mask ...

During a robbery, one of the robber’s mask slid down.
He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.
Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? 

She said no, but my husband over there did.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Reward for extinguishing fire

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck."

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor said to his patient: ...

A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart condition, but I wouldn't worry about it." 

"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a slight heart condition, I wouldn't worry about it either."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dear Friend of Mine

During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks the students, "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite. What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, please excuse me for a moment. I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did They Chop Your Firewood?  

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sucking My Thumb  

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there. The oldest boy looked into the keyhole.

He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's A Contingent Fee?  

"What is a contingent fee?" asked the potential client.

The lawyer took a deep breath and then answered. "A contingent fee to a lawyer means that if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win your suit, you get nothing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Relatives?

A couple driving on a countryside road were in the midst of a fight. While driving, they came across a farm with some pigs.

The husband points to one of the pigs and asks the woman, "Your relatives?"

The wife says, "Yes, my in-laws."

[worldangel]

Joke: Most Beautiful Night

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After one more champagne toast for happiness, the groom retired to the bedroom.

But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars. “Aren’t you coming to bed?” the groom asked.

“No,” the bride announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Size?  

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problems with the Herd

Bill and Roy, a couple of farmers, met at the town hardware store on Friday. “Had some problems with my herd," lamented bill. “My prize bull was impotent. But the Vet came and gave him some special medicine, and now he seems to be doing fine.”

The following week, Roy met Bill again. “My bull’s had problems too,” comment Roy. “What was that medicine the Vet prescribed?”

"I don’t know,” replied Bill. “But it tastes like chocolate.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won't Leave Him Yet

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I have lost ten pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet,” the first replied. “I’d like to lose another fifteen to twenty pounds first.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Know What I'm Doing?

One day, a stunningly attractive woman walks into a doctor's office. As soon as the doctor lays his eyes on her, his professionalism goes right out the window. He asks her to take off her pants. He asks her to sit on the table and when she does, he starts firmly rubbing her thighs. He asks her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies, "Checking for abnormalities."

Then, he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does as she is told and he starts rubbing her breasts. Again he asks, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Checking for cancer," she replies.

Then he instructs her to take her panties off, and after she does, he lays her back, pulls off his pants and underwear, jumps up on top of her and begins to have sex with her. Once again, "Do you know what I am doing?"

Then, the woman answers, "Checking for herpes, that's what I am here for."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I'm Here to Feed the Alligator

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turning to Stone

Little Johnny was very curious, and one day he decided to sneak into a strip club to see what it was like. He waited until the bouncer’s back was turn and scurried quietly to the front of the club, where he watched the strippers dance.

When they had removed nearly all of their clothing, he bolted out the door and ran down the street as fast as he could. He was running so fast he smacked right into a man and fell back on his bottom. “What’s wrong young man?” asked the adult. “You look like you just saw a ghost!”

“My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone. Well I was watching two ladies and all of a sudden I felt something hard!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Happen to See A Soldier?

A lawyer had just hired a new secretary. His secretary walks in with some papers and noticed that his fly was open. She tells him, "Hey, the barracks door is open." He didn't understand what she was talking about, and then he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open.

Later, his secretary walks in and he says to her, "By the way, when you noticed that the barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing there?"

She replies simply but nicely, "No, all I saw was an old veteran sitting on two saddle bags."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athlete's Foot

Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home, strips off her clothes, and is very impressed!

He removes his own clothes, causing the woman to redress herself. "What’s wrong?“ he says.

“You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries.

“No, no,” he laughs, “I said had athlete's foot!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Plus Two

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer are asked, "How much is two plus two?"

"Four," says the housewife.

"I think it’s either three or four," says the accountant. "Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One on EVERY corner!

In the historic first manned mission to Mars, two Astronauts were charting the Martian surface.

"Look at that," said one to the other, "how beautiful this alien landscape is, untouched by man."

At that point, he was cut off, as he found his radio communications knocked out by unknown interference. Using an emissions detector, they followed the source of the interference until they reached the rim of a crater.

"Do you see what the source of that noise is?" asked the first astronaut.

"I don't know," said the second, "but it might be coming from that Starbucks behind you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Automobile Dealership

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

 

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it's open!” To which he replied, “I know — I already got that side.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Best to Operate On  

Four doctors were talking to each other about who was the best patient to operate on. The first doctor said, "The best person to operate on are librarians cause everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Disagreeing, the second doctor announced that mechanics were the best to operate on because they understand if you've got parts left over when you’re done. The third Doctor replied, “No, no, you are both wrong. A technician is the best cause everything inside is colour coded."

"Excuse me!” broke in the fourth doctor, “The best to operate on are politicians. They have no guts, no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Don't Have A Prescription

 

A man walks into the pharmacy and whisper to the young lady, "Can I have a box of Viagra?"

The clerk, very loud, replied, "We don't sell Viagra without prescription."

To play on the clerk’s sympathy the man pulls his pants down and says, “I don’t have a prescription, but I have the patient.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy, Daddy

The policeman saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, Daddy, Daddy!”

The policeman pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy asked, “Which one is your father, son?”

“I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Book

Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, “There's a book?”