Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes, Carol and Patty...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!

[worldangel]

Joke: Dalmatian's Duties...

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was traveling by bus

Minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman, sitting next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

5 mins later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Cum on, honey. Take it or I'll give it 2 this nice man here"

A few min later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

[worldangel]

Joke: Have You Been X-Rayed?

The young woman from Texas went to the hospital for a check-up.

“Have you been X-rayed yet?” asked the doctor.

“Nope,” she said, “but I have been ultra-violated.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Else Would I Use?  

Interviewing the convict after the publication of his first book, the reporter asked, “Why did you decide to list the author as ‘06809’?"

“What else would I use?” the prisoner said. “That’s my pen name.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Had Known

An elderly couple is talking to their friends after going on a date together.

The man says to his friend, "If I’d have known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

The woman says to her friend, "If I'd known he wanted sex, I'd have taken my tights off."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Pints
 

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before He Gets Through the Door

A guy staggers to the bathroom, whipping out his penis even before he gets through the door.

Inadvertently, he’s wandered into the ladies' room by mistake, surprising a woman primping in the mirror. “This is for ladies!” she screams.

The drunk waves his dick at her and says, “So is this!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Dark Tunnel
 

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: She's Being Unreasonable
 

Mr. Maxey was visiting his lawyer to discuss how unreasonable his wife was being.

Lawyer: "What were you and your wife fighting about this time?"

Mr. Maxey: "I pointed out that she was trying to drive a nail in the wall with a hair brush. Is this any reason to get mad?"

Lawyer: "Is that all you said?"

Mr. Maxey: "Well, I just suggested that she would have better luck using her head."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Girl of Mine
 

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.

"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."

"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend, "it's your cow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You're 88 Years Old 

86 year old Mabel sat down on the porch swing at the home and said to 88 year old Charlie, "I'll bet I can guess how old you are!"

Being a skeptic, he said, "Ok, I'll take the bet".

She immediately unzipped his pants, stuck her hand inside, fooled around a little, then pulled her hand out and said, "You're 88 yrs. old".

"How did you know that?"

"You told me yesterday."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Super-Sex

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home wearing only a flimsy negligee. As she walked, she would flip up her nightgown at people and say, "Super-sex!"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super-sex!"

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Early Capitalist
 

Ten-year-old Tommy greeted his sister's boyfriend very enthusiastically, "That harmonica you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I have ever had!"

"I'm glad you liked it," the boyfriend replies.

"Oh yeah! Mother gives me a quarter a day not to play it!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint Us Making Love

Joan says to her husband, “I’d like my cousin Joe to visit one weekend and paint a picture of us making love. He is an artist, you know."

Her husband replies, “Oh, he paints still life, does he?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In or Out of Stock
 

Customer: "How much is the hamburger steak?"

Butcher: "$1.98 cents a pound."

Customer: "But at the corner market is only $0.98 cents a pound."

Butcher: "Then you should go there to buy it."

Customer: "But they are all out of it."

Butcher: " Oh, I see. When we don't have any, we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bigger Than His

A man is walking and sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN $200!"

The man thought, what the hell. He goes up to the man at the booth and asks, "How much?"

The man at the booth replies, "Fifty dollars, please." He gives the $50. The man went around the wall to the donkey, whispered something into it's ear. The donkey laughed hard and laughed loud. The man had got his $200 and was on his way.

The next month he was walking the same rout again, and he sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY CRY AND WIN $200."

So he walks up to the booth and again, pays the $50. He goes around the wall to the donkey and whispers something in its ear. When he comes around the donkey is balling his eyes out crying. Then the man at the booth says, " How did you make him laugh and cry?"

"Well, when I made him laugh I, said my penis was bigger than his. Then to make him cry, I showed him."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Home All Day
 

When I worked in the post office, a lady barged in and started complaining that she’d got home to find a note from the postman – he’d tried to deliver a package but nobody was in.

“My husband was home all day!” she fumed.

After I gave her the package, she said, “Oh, I’m so excited – it’s my husband’s new hearing aid!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Remember the Time
 

Luke: I remember the time I played against Yale in football. What a game it was."

Mark: "What position did you play?"

Luke: "In the first game I was left...."

Mark: "End?"

Luke: "Left out. In the second half I was back...."

Mark: "You were back in?"

Luke: "No, way back."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coincidence
 

A little boy in my infant class came into school and told me he could spell his mum’s name.

“M-U-M,” he said proudly.

Before I could congratulate him, another little boy said excitedly, “That’s how you spell my mum’s name too!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty Like You
 

A paperboy said to a customer one day, "Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, that's nice to hear," said Smith, "but I'm kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late."

The paperboy said, "I know, but I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dollars and Sense
 

A man went into a discount store and asked the woman cashier if everything in the shop was $1.

“That’s right,” she said. “Every item in the store.”

So he gave her a dollar and asked for the cash register.

[worldangel]

Joke: No More Back-Seat Driving
 

Chauffeur: "All this talk about back-seat drivers is a bunch of nothing. I've driven a car for over ten years and have never heard a word from behind.

Cabby: "What type car do you drive?"

Chauffeur: "A Hearse."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Word Without My Lawyer Present
 

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You ARE the lawyer.

Lawyer: So, where’s my present?

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: History Repeats Itself
 

The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?"

"Your Honour," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire in the Theatre
 

Theater patron 1: "There was a fire in the dressing room of the star backstage. The firemen were there for six hours."

Theater patron 2: "Am I understanding you correctly that it took six hours to put out a fire in the dressing room?"

Theater patron 1: "Oh no, it took only one hour to put out the fire. It took another five hours to put out the fireman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly Codfish
 

Overheard at my local fish market...

Fussy Patron: “I don’t like the looks of that codfish.”

 

Market Manager: “Well, if you want looks, why don’t you buy a gold fish?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pay Your Rent
 

Landlord: "I want you to pay your rent."

Struggling artist: "Let's discuss this. In a few years people will look up at this miserable studio and say, 'Truman Jones, the famous artist, use to work here.'"

Landlord: "If you don't pay your rent by tonight, they'll be able to say it tomorrow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: His Father's Name
 

Two men were at a race track discussing fast horses when one said he had a horse that was faster than an automobile.

"Faster than any automobile? Who was he sired by? You know his father’s name?"

"Why, he is so fast he ran away before he could find out his father’s name!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Time Zone Ahead
 

2 Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "Forget it, he's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Moving On Up
 

Mr. Smith who was out of work met Mr. Jones at the local coffee shop.

Mr. Jones: "I heard you were offered a job and turned it down?"

Mr. Smith: "Yes, it was to be the President/CEO of a new communications company. I turned it down as there was no room for advancement."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ghost Exist
 

Son: Dad do you believe in ghost?

Dad: No.

Son: Our maid said ghost exist.

Dad: We don't have maid.

Mom: Meet me out in the car right now.

Dad: Why?

Mom: We don't have son.

Dad: Wait.... I am not married!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's Mom?
 

A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.

"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.

"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your mother was home?!"

The kid replied, "She is, but this isn't where I live."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Little Johnny And Numbers
 

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.”

“Good. So what comes after eight?”

“Nine,” answered Little Johnny.

“And what comes after nine?”

“Ten.”

“And what comes after ten?”

“The Jack.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Drinking
 

An inebriated young actor staggered into a large hotel in Hollywood and looked into a large mirror in the lobby.

After a minute or so passed he said, in a loud voice, "Look, they've got a picture of me here, too!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Back Seat Drivers
 

Daughter: "My father always said he didn't like women that drove from the back seat."

Donna: "What did your mother say to that?"

Daughter: "She said that back seat drivers were no worse than men who cook from the dining room table."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cropduster Day
 

I asked my father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.

"I had just the worst day," he replied. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.

On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So, I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!'

The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cardiac Problems
 

My paramedic team was called to an emergency.

 

Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A New Machine
 

Went to the gym and there's a new machine.

I used it for an hour and felt sick.

Its good though, it does everything.

Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, etc..

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where Were You?
 

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.

 

The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

 

The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

 

The defence huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Sure Bet
 

Overheard at the race track...

Bettor: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to 1 and I can’t lose.

Friend: “What do you mean 'you can’t lose’?”

Bettor: “I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to 1 and the race doesn’t start till 1.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Weekend
 

"What are you going to do this weekend?"

“I’m going to buy glasses.”

“And then what?”

“Then I’ll see.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret To A Long Life
 

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unusually Cold Winter
 

The farmer’s almanac has predicted a much colder winter than normal.

I have been observing squirrels and they are collecting more nuts than normal.

Which makes me wonder where my 3 cousins have disappeared to???

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting Here On This Pot

I'm sitting here on this damn pot…

The Taco Salad's not so hot...

Tomatoes, Beef, Sour Cream and Beans...

Now I'm a walking shit machine!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Views on Doing Laundry
 

Different views on doing laundry...

Son away at college: If it's clean it goes on the floor. If it's dirty it goes on the floor over there.

Husband while wife is away: If I just take things out of the hamper as I need them, I do not have anything to fold.

Wife: With the amount of laundry I do, there must be more people living in this house!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cereal Adjustment
 

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Gas or Needles

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife Becky, "Show him, honey."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maybe He Went Fishing

A Sunday school teacher was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the ark.

A little girl volunteered, “Maybe he went fishing.”

A boy countered, “With only two worms?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropping A Bomb

A guy asks his friend, "If you knew that they were about to drop an atomic bomb, what’s the first thing you would do?"

"I would screw the first thing that moved! What would you do?"

The first guy says, "I would stand very still for at least half an hour."