Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Banging pussy

There were two prostitutes, one was very beautiful and the other was ugly. The beautiful prostitute used to make around $1,000-$3,000 a month but the ugly one made around $10,000-$13,000.

Confused to why the fuck the ugly one made more money than her, the beautiful prostitute went to the ugly one and asked her.

" Hey girl! How are you? Looks like you're doing great, you bought a new car and an apartment, where did you get the money ?".

On this the ugly bitch replied. " Actually, I play games with my customer and so I earn a lot, maybe more than you. What I do with my customer is that when we have intercourse I put a small firecracker in my pussy and when it blows up , I start shouting oh you blew up my pussy you bastard, scared that this may put them in trouble my customers end up paying me $500-$800 to get away".

Hearing this, the beautiful blonde prostitute went to the shop

to buy some firecrackers, but as the less power crackers were not available that day she bought a huge powerful firecracker and went to work.

While having intercourse she put the big bomb in her pussy and it went off with a huge bang. Then the prostitute started shouting as planned " You blew up my pussy ...You blew up my pussy".

On this the customer replied," You bitch, the hell with your pussy, where the fuck is my DICK ".

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Shape? 
 

A man went to buy his wife a new bra but had no idea what size she needed. Sales lady tried to help him. She asked, "Is your wife shaped like a grapefruit?" 

"No, not a grapefruit." 

"Is she shaped like an orange?" 

"Um no, not an orange." 

"Is she shaped like an egg?" 

Man's face lights up, "Yes, that's it! Like a fried egg!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Faxing A Sensitive Memo 
 

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 

2nd Person: "A little. What’s wrong?" 

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." 

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 

1st Person: "It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Making A Donation

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra for a Broken Toe 

A tourist was hiking through the backcountry when he stubbed his toe hard.

 

It immediately started bleeding, swelling and aching terribly.

 

He returned to the nearest small town and searched for a doctor.

 

The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery that toe requires and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out." 

The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill. "What's this? My toe is broken and you offer me a Viagra? What good will that pill do?" 

Smiling, the doctor reassured him, “Take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Hear Someone Coming  

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment, I hear somebody coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?!?!? Look at these breasts! They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."
 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Had It All

A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all, money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman, everything! Then poof! It was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked his friend.

“My wife found out...”

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Parking Lots

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots?"

The second lady says, "I don't know?”

The first lady says, "All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Taking An Umbrella to a Gun Fight

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”.

"Exactly," said the Doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Right

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming, "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss on the Butt Cheek

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So, the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Enjoys It More 

While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

 

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.

 

Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" 

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.

 

"Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hearing Aids
 

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn’t want to spend a lot of money. “How much do they cost?” he asked the salesman.

“Anywhere from $2 to $2,000.”

“Can I see the $2 model?” said the customer.

The salesman put the device around the man’s neck and said, “You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.”

“How does it work?” asked the customer.

“For $2, it doesn’t work,” said the salesman. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man went to his doctor to have ...

A man went to his doctor to have his penis examined because it was hurting.

 

After a thorough examination, the doctor told the patient: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first," replied the patient.

"The good news," said the doctor, "Is that we won't have to cut it off."

"Thank Goodness," replied the patient. "Then what's the bad news?"

"It'll fall off by itself in a few days" replied the doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgetful...

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny was at football ...

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?" 

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh... me sir, me!" 

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst on the team!" 

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What was the first ...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan! 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A police officer pulls over this ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four best friends met at the hospital ..

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

 

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

 

After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

 

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2."

 

Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

 

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing the Heaven and banging his head on the wall.

 

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Filling Up
 

ME: "I will take $50 on pump one please..."

BARTENDER: "Sir, please get your mouth off the keg!"

 

 

Joke: Tax Troubles
 

Just found out on my tax return that there's a limit on dependents...

I thought 45 was reasonable, but I was wrong.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did You Go There?
 

A local citizen ran for a political position for the first time and won. "Congratulate me," he says to his wife. "I won the nomination!"

The wife replies, surprised, "Honestly?"

"Now why in thunder did you want to bring up that point for?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not So Tough Choices
 

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars.

 

Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with mom.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Got To
 

Two old guys, Fred and Sam went to the movies.

 

A few minutes after it started, Fred heard Sam rustling around and he seemed to be searching on the floor under his seat.

“What are you doing?” asked Fred.

Sam, a little grumpy by this time, replied “I had a caramel in my mouth and it dropped out. I can’t find it.”

Fred told him to forget it because it would be too dirty by now. “But I’ve got to,” said Sam, “my teeth are in it!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing Larger Than $20
 

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted... "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Time Do We Leave?
 

On a recent flight to Chicago it seemed that all the departure times were coming and going.

I inquired to the ticket agent, "What good are the departure times?"

"Well," began the genial agent, "if it weren't for those posted departure times we'd have no way of finding out how late we depart."

[worldangel]

Joke: Describing Mental Health
 

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Hold Of My Privates 

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Every Time I Sneeze 

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a flight. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Not A Worm 

Little Sally accidentally walks in on her father going to the bathroom. Shocked, she runs to her mother and cries, “Mommy, Mommy! Daddy has a big fat ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!”

That’s not a worm, sweetie,” comforts the mother. “That’s a very important part of daddy’s body. If daddy didn’t have one of those, you wouldn’t be here. And now that I think about it … neither would I.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Their Genitals Are Where? 

“It’s common knowledge,” said the zoology student, “that elephants have their genital in their feet.”

“Really?” said the professor.

“Absolutely,” smiled the pupil. “If they step on you, you are fxcked!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

 

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

[worldangel]

Joke: John received a free ticket to...

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl.

 

Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium.

 

He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium.

 

He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

 

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there.

 

The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

 

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away.

 

He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968.

 

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Silver lining...

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely.

 

The Doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin ..... however, the only place suitable to the Doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!

All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty.

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did.

 

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!"

He replied, "Oh, don't worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your Mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Complete coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Getting a Third Opinion

A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead.

 

He rushes the dog to the vet and says, "Doc, you have to help my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to me!"

The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is dead. "I want a second opinion!"

So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador retriever.

The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the dog. There is no movement.

The vet says, "Your dog is dead." "I want a third opinion!"

The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the dog. Still the dog doesn't move.

The man says, "Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe you?"

"480 dollars."

"480 dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!"

"No, that's only 80 dollars. The other 400 is for the lab work and a cat scan!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Larry was startled to see the ...

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man.

 

“You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” asked Larry

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Address me as...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

 

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde and computers

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me.

 

She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked.

I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

 

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces.

 

Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said.

"Condom???", I asked.

"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them.

 

The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

"Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

 

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" he asked.

"Oh, Bill, you didn't," she said.

"Yes, I did," he told her.

"My Goodnes, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she asked.

"Oh... she got fired too."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do Not Drink

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

 

After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

 

He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”.

 

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving.

 

He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

 

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!”

With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: As a trucker stops for a red light ...

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pilot Pride

As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar employee.

 

Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a “real” pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me.

 

“My sister would be so proud of you!” she remarked.

I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, “She's a dentist.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The mural...

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight- saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Corruption

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Statue of Venus

Mrs. Katrina, the Arts teacher, addressed the class with a statue of Venus in her hands.

"What do you like best about this piece of art? Raise your hands."

Steven raised his hand and said, "The symmetry."

"Very good. And you, Justin?"

"Her t*ts!" says Justin

"Get out of the class, Justin and stand in the hall," responds Mrs. Katrina with loathing. "And you, Bubba?"

"I'm leaving, ma'am, I'm leaving..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

 

She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. 

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. 

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. 

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. 

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. 

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I'm not drunk

A recovering alcoholic is downtown to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside, promising himself he'll only have a couple of beers and then leave.

 

Well, he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears, sobbing: "My wife is going to leave me. I'm just a miserable old drunk and now I'm going to die alone."

The guy sitting next to him turns and says: "It's not that bad. You can get out of this. Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on

you. Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt."

The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says: "That just might work. You're a saint!"

The drunk guy goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate.

She takes one look at him and screams: "I can't believe it. You're drunk. I warned you but you just don't care. I'm moving out."

The drunk says: "Stop, Honey. Let me explain. It's true I did have a couple of beers, but I'm not drunk."

She says: "Look at you... you puked down the front of your shirt."

He replies: "It wasn't me! A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself."

She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says: "This is a $10 bill"

He looks at her and says: "Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too."