Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

 

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Under a tack ....

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

 

Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.

The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Finally, a definition of Marketing ...

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Should I not get

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What does that one do?

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

 

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Signs of the times...

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A family went to a hospital, where ...

A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. 

One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?" 

The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000." 

The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?" 

"Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Picture menu

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, “Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies Restroom

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?”

 

He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”

 

She replies, “I don't know if your the man to talk to…it’s kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”

 

She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I'm in!!!”

 

She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: These 2 guys decide that they ...

These 2 guys decide that they are going to take a fishing vacation together. They agree that they would go deep-sea fishing in Southern Florida.

They get there and get all settled in, then the next morning they get up early and head for the boat. On the way to the boat, they see this guy sitting alone fishing off of a pier. They go out for 8 hours, and when they come back they see the same guy still fishing at the same spot.

The next morning on the way to the boat, they see the same guy at the same spot fishing. Again, they go out for 8 hours and when the get back they see the same guy at the same spot still fishing.

Same thing happens the next day. When they get back to the hotel after their third and last day of fishing, they decide that since they don't have to get up in the morning, they would go to a local bar.

When the get to the bar, they see the same guy from the pier sitting at the bar by himself drinking a beer. Well, they decide that they are going to sit by this guy. They sit there, and each has a beer. Then one guy asks him "Are you here on a fishing vacation too? We see you every morning at the pier."

The guy replies "No, I'm here on my honeymoon."

One guy says "Honeymoon!? Don't you think you should be with your bride making love instead of here drinking?"

They guy replies "No, she's got gonorrhea!"

One guy says "Well, you could at least be alone with her, cuddling or SOMETHING!"

The guy says "No, she's got diarrhea too!"

One guy then says "Man, have you even kissed her yet?"

He says "No, she's got pyorrhea too!"

One guy then says "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea! Man, if don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry her?"

The guy says "Well, she's got worms too, and you know how I love to fish!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Saving time

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”

“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, “Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in 10…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old couples were having ...

Three old couples were having tea one fine day.

 

There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey!” Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

 

A moment later, the second man said, "Pass the sugar, sugar!" This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun. He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, "Pass the tea, bag!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Theft

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don't know how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and asked Heaven to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you Heaven! You even sent me a Professional!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A bit apprehensive...

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises.

 

Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

 

He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

[worldangel]

Joke: How To Help Around The House

Philip was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way he had enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.

He ignored his wife Paula's not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around the house, but Philip didn't realize how much this bothered her until the clothes dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned out in the middle of a seam. The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing happened.

Paula looked so stricken that he had to offer some consolation.

‘That's OK, darling,' Philip said. ‘You still have me.'

Paula looked up at him with tears in her eyes. ‘Yes, Philip,' she wailed, ‘but you don't work either.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: Chewing gum

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains.

 

The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her.

 

"Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cooking class...

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Race…

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

 

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

 

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Substitute at the Pearly Gates

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

 

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world.

 

We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 

"Which word?" her husband asked. 

"Czechoslovakia."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cooking class...

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Race…

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

 

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Effects of anesthesia...

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

 

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple are driving along ...

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.

Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph.

"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital policy

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child.

 

When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?”

“It wasn't a boy,” came the reply.

[worldangel]

Joke: Slot machines

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated.

“Excuse me,” I said to a casino employee. “How does this work?”

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

“And where does the money come out?” I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, “Usually at the ATM.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple is dressed and ready ...

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.

 

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jeb and Jethro live in the hills...

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. 

"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.

Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Digging for bait

My sister-in-law and nephew Eddy were digging for fishing bait in my mother-in-law's garden.

 

Uncovering a many-legged creature, Eddy proudly dangled it before his mother.

“No, honey, he won't do for bait,” his mother said. “He's not an earthworm.”

“He's not?” Eddy asked, his eyes wide. “What planet is he from?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was walking beside a pond...

A guy was walking beside a pond when a frog jumped out and told him that she was really a beautiful princess and if he were to kiss her, she would make him VERY happy! He picked up the frog and put it into his pocket. 

A few minutes later, the frog poked her head out and said, "Didn't you hear me?! I'm a beautiful princess and if you kiss me I will stay with you and do ANYTHING you want!" 

The guy took the frog out and said, "Look, I understand what you are saying, but I am a computer programmer and right now I don't have time for a girlfriend,........but a talking FROG is REALLY, REALLY COOL!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man comes home from an exhausting ...

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It’s started..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was in a terrible accident...

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

 

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. 

The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: One sunny day, Todd greeted his ...

One sunny day, Todd greeted his parents with excitement, asking them to sit down in the living room for his announcement.

"I have great news! I'm getting married to the most beautiful woman in town. She only lives a block away from you. Her name is Susan."

His parents congratulated him, but after dinner, his father pulled him aside. "Son, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you something. I love your mother dearly after 30 years of marriage, but we've never had much excitement in our intimate life. I used to fool around a lot, and Susan is actually your half-sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Todd was devastated and angry with his father, and he broke off the engagement. A year later, he was finally dating again, and one day he came home to tell them, "Lori said yes! We want to get married this July."

His father pulled him aside once more. "I'm sorry son, but she's your half-sister, too."

Todd was furious with his father. Once would have been bad enough, but twice was more than he could take. He decided to tell his mother what had been going on.

Bracing for her reaction, he said, "I guess I'll never get married. Every time I'm ready to marry, he tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother patted his cheek. "Don't pay a bit of attention to what he says," she told him. "He's not really your father."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Parrot in plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 1000 Points to Get Into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven.

 

You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”
“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”

“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”
“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.
“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of Heaven!”

“Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Virginity

A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding gown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you can't be serious, how can you wear white?"

 

The woman asks why not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman.

"How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My 3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get screwed
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bankers

Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.

 

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.

While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'

[worldangel]

 Joke: A nursery school driver was delivering ...

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

 

Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

[worldangel]

Joke: Launderette reunion...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

 

After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: A traveler wandering on an island ...

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man at this construction ...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying ...

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

 

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man gets pulled over by the ...

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

 

The cop walks up to the car and says to the driver, “Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?"

 

The driver says, "Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!"

 

The cop says, “Really! Why is that?

 

The driver replies," I could not have been going 60 miles an hour because I've only been out driving for 25 minutes."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lady dies and goes to heaven...

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.

 

There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

"What was that?" she asks.

"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.

"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.

"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."

The lady starts to back away.

"Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.

"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.

"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!"

"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."