Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school after summer vacation. 
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class and were chatting away, making new friends. 

THEN… In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats. 

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids. 
After about a minute or so, he spoke... 

"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom. 
You cannot use them as you recite or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. 
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter. 

The first one is "gross." 
And the other one is "cool." 
Are there any questions?" 

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him. 

In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks... 

"So, what are they?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free sex

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Knob

A lady in her late 40's goes to a plastic surgeon for a facelift.

The doctor tells her of a new procedure called 'The Knob'.

A small knob is implanted on the back of a woman’s head and it can be turned to tighten the skin, producing the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Naturally, the woman wants 'The Knob'.

Fifteen years later, she goes back to the surgeon. "All these years, every things been fine. I’ve turned 'The Knob' on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results. But now I’ve developed two problems.

First of all, I’ve got awful bags under my eyes, and 'The Knob' won’t get rid of them."

The doctor looks at her and says, "Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts."

"Oh," she says. "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[worldangel]

Joke: Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

[worldangel]

Joke: The other night I was invited ...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight ... "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said we need a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit!!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised his ...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee.

 

As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man takes his wife to the State ...

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

 

They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him"

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year." 

The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day." You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband finally turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol' cow."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Oh, the pity of old age

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours.”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can't remember where I live!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple was celebrating their...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife, a redhead, promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a doctor's office ...

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles." 

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat." 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." 

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room." 

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles." 

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor. 

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." 

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere." 

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Midget Surgery

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was. 

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia.

 

"Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side. 

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached. 

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked. 

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots." 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Gators gone?

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms.

 

They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That's a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along.

 

So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: “Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Friendship between women:...

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. 

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. 

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.

 

The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling edgy, a man took a hot

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any magazines. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Apples And Cookies A

There's a little boy named Timmy. One night, his mother told him to take a bath. Timmy said, "No! I don't wanna!" But his mother says,"Yes, you have to."

So Timmy says, "Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"

The mother says," Well, O.K., but whatever you do, don't look up or down."

Timmy says, "O.K., I won't."

So when Timmy and his mom are in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says, "What's that Mommy?"

She says, "Well Timmy, that's my apple."

Timmy says, "Ohhhhh, O.K."

Then Timmy looks up and says, "What's that Mommy?"

She replies, "Well Timmy, those are my cookies."

Timmy says, "Ohhhhh, O.K."

Then after their bath, they go to there bedrooms and go to sleep. The next night, Timmy is told to take a bath again, but this time by his father. His father tells him, "Time to take a bath Timmy."

Timmy says, "No, I don't want to."

His father says, "Well you have to."

Timmy says, "Well if I take a bath, will you take one with me?"

His father says, "Well O.K., but don't look down!" Timmy says, "O.K., I won't."

Then while they're in the bathtub, Timmy accidentally looks down and says, "What's that Daddy?"

His father says, "Well Timmy, that's my worm."

Timmy says,"Ohhhhh, O.K."

Later that night, a storm hits and Timmy runs into his parents bedroom, flips on the light, and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Daddy's eating your cookies and has his worm in your apple!"

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a double ...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.

 

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Two married buddies are out drinking

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

 

 I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Let’s do it!' And, she's always sound asleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother had three daughters a...

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding days, she tells each one of them to write back and tell her about their marriage life.

The first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a simple message: "Maxwell Coffee House". The Mother got confused and finally noticed a Maxwell advert saying "Satisfaction to the last drop...".

When the second daughter got married, it took a week for the letter to arrive and the message read: "Rothmans". So the Mother looked at a Rothmans ad, and saw: "Life Size, King Size"

Finally it was the third one's wedding. Mother was very anxious. After 4 weeks came the message: "British Airways". When mother looked into the ad, she fainted. The ad read: "Twice a day. Four times a week. Both ways."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rookie's First Assignment...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Pete came home from the...

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost.

 

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at an insane asylum decided ...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

 

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

 

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Steals Roast

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

 

Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"

The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.

He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

 

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished.

 

He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

[worldangel]

Joke: 50-50 partners...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Complete coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office.

Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.

Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.

After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex.

The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse simply replies, "Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage”

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing penis

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see an urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

 

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple, both 60 year...

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary. 

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. 

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. 

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." 

So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Standing at a urinal

 

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.

 

The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up.

 

"Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

 

Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

 

"I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?"

 

Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents.

 

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The undertaker 

 

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde guy

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby.

One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital.

 

He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.

In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby turtle

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.

 

About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.

 

He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.

 

On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

 

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So, the jury asks the woman first.

 

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

 

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

 

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[worldangel]

Joke: Automatic Tampon Remover (ATR) 

 

A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear.

 

“Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.” So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!” So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button.

 

The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room. “Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?”

 

The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.” “What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's late, the bartender and a guy ...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar.

 

The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?"

 

The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100?

The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200"

 

The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and proceeds to spit everywhere at lightning speed.

 

The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guy pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman goes to her doctor ...

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs. Sitting between the young woman’s legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am." The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away." The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: A guy runs into the bar and says ...

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." 

The bartender pours them, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. 

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. 

"Well, you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says. 

"Oh my Goodness," the bartender says, "What do you have?" 

The man replies "50 cents." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lot bigger than yours

 

My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6-year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!"

 

The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So, I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Erection problems 

 

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."