Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I get so drunk that I imagine things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young child walked up to her...

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair.

 

As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes.

 

The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny goes up to his mother ...

Little Johnny goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks her: "Mummy...whasat??"

His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my hedgehog." And Little Johnny walks away quite happy with the reply.

The next week, Little Johnny walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma lying naked in the bath. He asks her what she had between her legs, and again she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog.

Little Johnny then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy, Grandma's hedgehog is dead!"

"Why do you say that son?"

"Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where No Man has gone

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Police officer pulled this ...

Police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he'd been drinking.

 

The guy said "Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Broken tail light

“How long have you been driving without a tail light?” asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.

The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car.

 

He put his face in his hands and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop began to feel sorry for him.

“Come on, now,” the officer said, “don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious.”

“It isn't?” cried the driver. “Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?”

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 Pounds of Dynamite

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" 

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." 

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

 

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. 

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding night

Three guys who have just got married are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive about how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening.

One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.

`All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night,' he says, and the others readily agree.

At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for four slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs-up.

The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear, orders six slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a `good-on-yer' look.

The next guy orders a full English breakfast, and then asks for eight slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter, `Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please, mate.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM 
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. 
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' 
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!' 
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. 

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.' 
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' 

The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' 
Bob took the money...... 

[worldangel]

Joke: A visit with Grandpa

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The judge was instructing the ...

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police.

 

“For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”

When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”

“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double bumper

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.

A few days later, he actually did it again. “I'm so embarrassed,” he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.

“Why not tell him it was me this time?” his wife suggested.

“I could,” he said while dialing, “but that's what I told him last time.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
 

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: One day, in line at the cafeteria ...

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehabilitation centre...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Standard Interface

Two programmers walked along the street.

 

They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface." 

"They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a competition to cross...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher handed ...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.

 

On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

 

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"

 

Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[worldangel]

Joke: Market manners

At the supermarket, a man noticed a woman with four boys and a baby.

 

Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, “I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least 10 minutes!”

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Annual physical...

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

 

Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Good, The Bad & The ...

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He is wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting A Barber

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. 

"And what if I swallow it?" 

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A completely inebriated man was...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

 

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." 

 

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" 

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problems Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." 

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife are waiting...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking over the log book kept...

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. 

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. 

He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation!

“He's a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, “Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?” She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Proud daddy...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A cocky State Highways employee...

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was at home watching

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise.

 

She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car. 

"Did you see their face?" her friends asked when she came back inside.

"No, but it's okay - I got the license plate number!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Frugal...

Mary's fourth grade homework assignment was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word "frugal" in the list, she asked her father what it meant.

He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.

Her paper read: "Frugal: to save."

Sentence: "Maid Marion fell into a pit when she went walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She yelled 'Frugal me, Frugal me!'"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny comes downstairs...

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother.

 

“I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.

Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Fishing

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines.

Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go
fishing.'"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: House Shopping

My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, “Daddy, what are we doing?”

My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Sarah asked “Are you gonna buy a new house?”

Dad replied “Maybe.”

Then Sarah said with much concern, “But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two lawyers met at a cocktail ...

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.

'How’s business?' asked the first.

'Rotten,' replied the other. 'Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyers hanging on to the bumper.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Your Kid Has Been Kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." 

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe, a college student, was taking ...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally, he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.

"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy walked up to a beautiful...

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Competition at the retirement home

An old man and an old woman are together every night. They aren't married, but for years and years they have spent every night together. All they ever do is sit on the couch buck naked and watch TV while she holds his weiner.

Every night, like clockwork, they do this - sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his weiner.

One night he doesn't show up. Then a second night goes by - no show. She calls him up.

"Where you been?" "Oh ... I've been down at what's her name's." "What are you doing there?"

"Pretty much the same thing we do - sitting naked on the couch watching TV while she holds my weiner."

"Well, what does she have that I don't have?"

"Parkinson's."

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Special Pig

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?" 

So, the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life." 

The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?" 

The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life." 

The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?" 
The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life." 

And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?" 

The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were walking through the ...

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. 

One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. 

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole... let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in. 
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. 

Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it. 

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. 

All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed. 

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. 

One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed... they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat. 

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat... he was chained to a railroad tie." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good old Dave

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Dave.”

“Who?”

“Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

“There are always a few clouds over everybody,” says Morris.

“Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“He was something, huh?”

“He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood.”

“No wonder you remember him.”

“Well, I never actually met Dave.”

“Then how do you know so much about him?” asks Morris.

“Because I married his widow.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were walking through the ...

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound. 

He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.

They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.

About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Some newly-married friends were...

Some newly-married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.

The redhead bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[worldangel]

Joke: Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop Credit Card Fraud

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Many folks have written with perfectly plausible explanations about why merchants take my phone number on a credit card charge.

 

What these fails to address, however, is that if I'm perpetrating a fraud in the use of this credit card, I'm not about to give out a correct phone number.

They make no effort to validate the phone number before I leave, so what they're doing is collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people.

Now then... Why are they collecting the phone numbers of a bunch of honest people?

I once asked why you are asked for your phone number when using your charge cards. The clerk explained that thieves have been caught because they stupidly put down THEIR home phone number, not the phone number of the person who "owned" the card.