Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Will You Pose for Me? 

Johnny asks Cathy: Would you like to pose to me?

Naked?

Yes!

I must tell you that I'm not a model...

So what, I'm not a painter.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Does Your Wife Think? 

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that’s not a problem anymore," announces the proud physician. "They're plenty of drugs that do the trick. You take some pills and your problems are history."

So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!"

"Well, I’m glad to hear that," says the physician. “What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven’t been home yet!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Tractor Or A Horse

 
A city slicker was walking down a country road when he saw a farmer plowing his field with a bull. “Shouldn’t you be using a tractor or a horse?” the slicker asked.

“I got both,” the farmer said.

“Then why are you using that bull?”

"I’m trying to teach him that he ain’t here just for romance.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Graduation Gift
 

Upon Little Johnny's graduation his Aunt gave him a graduation present.

Little Johnny: "Thank you so much Aunt Vera for this present."

Aunt Vera: "Oh, that's nothing to thank me for."

Little Johnny: "That's what I thought but mother told me to thank you just the same."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Need That In Writing
 

"Jake," said his employer, "you've done a lot of good things since you've been here. I'm going to increase your pay five dollars a week."

"Thanks boss," replied Jake. "Would you mind putting that in writing?"

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

"I trust you boss," replied Jake. "It's my wife. If I say I got a five dollar raise, she will think it's really fifteen. I just need proof."

[worldangel]

Joke: Spiritual Meaning
 

Man: "Oh Guru! Why is it that when I open my eyes in bed at night, I see an aura light around my wife's head? What does it all mean spiritually?"

Guru: "She's checking your cellphone.

[worldangel]

Joke: They Can't See It
 

Little Johnny went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat.

After a while they had caught no fish when Little Johnny offered the following suggestion: "Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Awesome Time
 

A young man showed up to his date’s house and told her they were going to have “an awesome time” that evening.

“What are we doing?” she asked.

“I got three tickets to a concert.”

“Why would we need three tickets?” his date asked.

“The tickets are for your parents and sister.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Sister Cheer Up
 

My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," she scolded.

"My hair is awful," I said.

"It's lovely," she encouraged.

"I've never looked worse," I whined.

And she said, "Trust me sis, yes you have."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Poker Night Cheating
 

A bunch of men were sitting around the playing poker.

"I win!" said Johnson.

Henderson threw down his cards, "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!"

"How can you tell?" Phillip asked.

"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Lesson Learned
 

My second-grade student came running up to me, whining. “Look what Robert stuck on my back!"

It was a sticky note with the words “Kick me, I’m stupid” written on it.

I took Robert aside and lectured him on how to treat people with kindness and the importance of being polite and encouraging.

A few minute later, I heard, “Look what Robert stuck on my back!”

It was that first little boy, holding another sticky note.

This one said, “Kick me, I’m smart.”

Edited August 23, 2020 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Essay Assignment

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex, mystery.

The prize winning essay read: "My goodness!" said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proper Attire  

Colonel Patrick was arrested for running after a woman through a hotel lobby, both of them entirely naked. Brought up on charges, he got off on a technicality.

As his lawyer pointed out, it is not necessary for an officer to be in uniform provided he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.

[worldangel]

Joke: You Farted From Touching It 

A woman visits a very posh persian-rug store. She spots the perfect rug, walks over to inspect it, and as she bends down to feel the texture, she rips a giant fart.

She looks behind her to see if anybody heard it, and all seems fine, but when she turns back around, there’s a salesman standing next her. She says, “Umm, how much does this rug cost?”

The salesman says, “Lady, if you farted just from touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Out of Bound Dormitories 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fruits of Love 

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down.

 

They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night.

 

The next morning he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?”

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love. But would you please quit chuckn’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Want, Yes?  

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

 

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

 

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

 

“You want, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.

“You bet!” was the excited reply.

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rural Village
 

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Candy Store
 

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Life Insurance
 

The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Cunningham insurance on her husband's life. In fact he thought it was too easy.

When all the details were finalized Mrs. Cunningham casually asked, "Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?"

"That would depend entirely," the insurance man replied, "on how the evidence is presented to the jury."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy or Girl
 

After waiting in the hospital the nurse approached and inquired of the father, "What do you want? A boy or girl?"

The father replied, "A boy!"

The nurse said, "Well this time you got a girl."

"That's okay," said the father, being very reflective. "That was my second choice."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are You Laughing About? 

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals.

 

The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water.

 

All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing.

"What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!"

And the other man replies, "I peed in their soup!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Did You Know? 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

 

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

 

He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

The mother replies, "I don't like her."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra for a Broken Toe 

A tourist was hiking through the backcountry when he stubbed his toe hard. It immediately started bleeding, swelling and aching terribly. He returned to the nearest small town and searched for a doctor.

 

The doctor said, "Well, we're a very small town and my hospital isn't equipped to do the surgery that toe requires and the bus won't be through here until tomorrow to take you out."

The tourist begged for some relief from the pain, so the understanding doctor offered him a pill. "What's this? My toe is broken and you offer me a Viagra? What good will that pill do?"

Smiling, the doctor reassured him, “Take it before you go to bed and it will keep the blankets off your toe so you can sleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Date
 

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Minute Sooner 

“How did this accident occur?” asked the doctor.

“Well,” explained the patient, “I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us.”

“Fortunately, you’ve only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks,” the doctor said. “You are a very lucky man.”

“You said it, doc,” exclaimed the man. “A minute sooner and it could have fractured my skull!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Eat Some Oranges  

A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree when all of a sudden a cow came climbing up the tree.

 

Surprised to see a climbing cow the squirrel asked the newcomer, "What in hell are you doing here?"

The cow's answer was, "I thought I'd eat some oranges."

"But this is an apple tree..."

The cow answered, "I know. I brought my own."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Like My Toast Like My Men 

A very nervous young interviewee was asked to meet her interviewer at a local restaurant for breakfast, while they discussed her abilities to perform a particular job.

Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested that her toast be well done. The waitress asks, "You want it burnt?"

The interviewee replies, "Well, I like my toast like I like my men."

The waitress replies, "A little dark?"

Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out, "Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I put it in my mouth."

She was hired on the spot.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pig 

A man was driving round a corner and was barely missed by a female driver coming the other way. She hung out of the window and shouted, "PIG!"

In reply, the man shouted, "Bitch!"

They continued their own separate journeys around the corner. As the man turned the corner, there was a pig in the middle of the road. He swerved over a hill and died a fiery death.

Moral of the story: Listen to women, they are always right.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Were You Doing In Bed? 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?” he asked.

“I was in bed,” she replied.

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Let Me See Your Hands

A man told his wife he would be home before midnight. He stopped at a bar and had a couple of beers. He saw these hot looking women and spent a few hours together with them.

When the man realized what time it was, he asked the woman for some baby powder. He rubbed some on his hands and left. When he got home, his wife asked where had been all night.

The man said, "I had a couple of drinks, had sex with two beautiful women, and came home to go to bed."

The wife asked to see his hands and said, "Damn it, you were out bowling again!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Sex I Ever Had 

A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land.

 

Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said, "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out about your human sex life. Will you swap partners with us for a day?"

The farmer and his wife agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked his wife, "What happened?"

His wife replied, "It was the best sex I ever had! When he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long, and when he turned his right ear, it grew as fat as a sausage.”

Then the farmer screamed, "Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That Was Exciting

 
“Well,” exclaimed the young woman as she and her date left the movie theater, “that certainly was exciting!"

"I agree," adds the date.

She replies, "I wonder if the film was any good...”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What You Need Now
 

A couple that just moved into their new home in the suburbs were told they ought to get a watchdog to guard their premises at night.

 

So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a nearby dealer.

Shortly afterwards the house was entered by burglars, who made away with a good haul while the dog slept.

 

The householder went to the kennel dealer and told him about it.

"Well, what you need now," said the dealer, "is a little dog to wake up the big dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: No Salt Pretzel
 

Little Johnny, instead of an apple, would daily bring his new teacher a pretzel from his uncle's bakery.

 

She always thanked Little Johnny but one day she said, "These pretzels are very good but do you think your uncle could make them with no salt?"

Every day afterwards the pretzel was salt free. After a while the teacher felt she was making too much extra work for Little Johnny's uncle to make them without salt especially for her.

"Little Johnny, I hope your uncle is not going to any great time to prepare the pretzel without salt?"

"Oh no," replied Little Johnny, "he doesn't make them without salt. I lick the salt off."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Motivational Speaker
 

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience. He said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: "And that woman was my mother!"

Laughter and applause. A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party. He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went red with shock and rage. Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, "... and I can't remember who she was!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cook Like My Mother
 

"Darling," said the husband to his new bride, "I am not casting any reflections on your cooking, but I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make."

"I don't think that should be too difficult," she said sweetly, "If you will learn to make the dough my father used to make."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Account
 

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

[FattChoy]

On 8/25/2020 at 10:11 PM, worldangel said:

Joke: You Want, Yes?  

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.

 

A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso.

The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel.

 

The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.

 

“You want, yes?” she asked, acknowledging his state of arousal.

“You bet!” was the excited reply.

“Okay,” she said. “I come back in then minutes.”

 

I didn't get this.  Can you please explain, WorldAngel?

[lonelyglobe]

10 hours ago, FattChoy said:

I didn't get this.  Can you please explain, WorldAngel?

I think the guy was expecting service from the lady but the lady just let him DIY himself. 

[FattChoy]

1 hour ago, lonelyglobe said:

I think the guy was expecting service from the lady but the lady just let him DIY himself. 

 

Oh alright.  

[worldangel]

Joke: Going To Be An Astronaut
 

Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut.

Father: What makes you think that?

Mother: I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Left To Live For?

Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don’t want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what is wrong.

"Oh daddy," Johnny sobs, "at age six I got the 'there is no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there is no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there is no tooth fairy' speech. If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I Have A Confession 

A newly married couple was in bed on their wedding night for the first time.

 

Before they began, the wife said, a little nervously, "I'm afraid I have a confession to make. I've been with another man".

"Well, said the husband, "I have a confession to tell also. I've also been with another man".

[worldangel]

Joke: One Is Not Enough

It has recently been brought to our attention that a definite parallel exists between a Martini and woman’s breasts…

One is not enough, and three are too many!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You're Bullshitting Me A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: You Get Too Mean

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already busy bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer, and have one yourself!"

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself. He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money. The man tells him that ran out of money a long while back. The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk.

The man picks himself up and strodes back into bar. He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender, "Give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That's Not A Problem Is It? 

Three older gentlemen in a nursing home are discussing their nightly Bathroom habits. The first guy says, "I have to get up every 2 hours and take a wiz, but I stand there and only dribble a little bit an nothing hardly comes out."

The 2nd guy says, "I know exactly what you mean, the same thing happens with me." The 3rd guy is not saying anything. The other two ask him if he has any problems.

He replies, "At about 5am every day I whiz like a race horse on a rock, and by 6am I have the best bowel movement every day."

As the other two guys are listening one asks him, "That's not really a problem is it?"

He replies, "For me it is, I don't get up till about 7am."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Male or Female?

At the Immigration’s desk in a Western port, a newcomer hands over his papers.

 

The clerk checks them over and says, "Sir, you put 2 in the SEX section?"

"Yes, 2 times per week."

"But is it male or female?"

"It doesn't matter."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is It Better Now? 

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man was sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts." Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says. Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So, the boyfriend kisses her lips. "Is it better now?"

"Yes, much better,” and then she points to her neck. So, the boyfriend kisses her neck. Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"