Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Make A Deal 

The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. "How is it going?" asks the farmer.

"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman. "How is it going with you?"

"Not so good," replied the farmer. "The other night I went out to milk my cow. First, she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall. Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall. Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling. Then my wife walked in. So, if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do You Know What I'm Doing?

One day, a stunningly attractive woman walks into a doctor's office. As soon as the doctor lays his eyes on her, his professionalism goes right out the window.

 

He asks her to take off her pants. He asks her to sit on the table and when she does, he starts firmly rubbing her thighs. He asks her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies, "Checking for abnormalities."

Then, he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does as she is told and he starts rubbing her breasts. Again he asks, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Checking for cancer," she replies.

Then he instructs her to take her panties off, and after she does, he lays her back, pulls off his pants and underwear, jumps up on top of her and begins to have sex with her. Once again, "Do you know what I am doing?"

Then, the woman answers, "Checking for herpes, that's what I am here for."

[worldangel]

Joke: Without Touching Her Clothes  

A man suggests a $1 bar bet to a well-endowed young lady that despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breast without touching her clothes.

Since this didn’t seem remotely possible, she is intrigued and accepts the bet. He steps up, cups his hands around her breasts and squeezes firmly. With a baffled look, she says, “Hey, you touched my clothes!”

And he replies, “Okay, here’s your dollar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Most Beautiful Night

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After one more champagne toast for happiness, the groom retired to the bedroom.

But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars. “Aren’t you coming to bed?” the groom asked.

“No,” the bride announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: If I Had Known

An elderly couple is talking to their friends after going on a date together.

The man says to his friend, "If I’d have known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

The woman says to her friend, "If I'd known he wanted sex, I'd have taken my tights off."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two Plus Two

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer are asked, "How much is two plus two?"

"Four," says the housewife.

"I think it’s either three or four," says the accountant. "Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It's Like Going Solo 

A huge guy marries a tiny girl. At the wedding, one of his friends asks him, “How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The groom says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

“You know, that doesn’t sound too bad," his friend says.

The big guy says, "Yeah well, it’s like jerking off... only I got someone to talk to."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Size?

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Does Daddy Eat Light Bulbs?

Sara was having breakfast with her mother one morning and suddenly Sara asked, "Mommy, does daddy eat light bulbs?"

Her mother said, "Why heavens, no Sara! Why do you ask a question like that?"

Sara replied, "Well, last night I heard daddy say, 'If you turn the lights off, I'll eat it.'”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Won't Leave Him Yet

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all John and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I have lost ten pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet,” the first replied. “I’d like to lose another fifteen to twenty pounds first.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problems with the Herd

Bill and Roy, a couple of farmers, met at the town hardware store on Friday. “Had some problems with my herd," lamented bill. “My prize bull was impotent. But the Vet came and gave him some special medicine, and now he seems to be doing fine.”

The following week, Roy met Bill again. “My bull’s had problems too,” comment Roy. “What was that medicine the Vet prescribed?”

"I don’t know,” replied Bill. “But it tastes like chocolate.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wake-up Call
 

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveller. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.

I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, "Why are you calling me?"

Then I get up and take a shower. It's great.

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Have Viagra?

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes, I do,” the pharmacist replies.

"Does it really work?" she asks.

He chuckles and says, "It certainly does."

"Can you get it over the counter?"

"Maybe, if I take two of them!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: See that Dog

A brunette and her blonde girlfriend are jogging together.

The brunette says, "See that dog with one eye?"

The blonde covers her left eye and says, "Where?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Happen to See A Soldier?  

A lawyer had just hired a new secretary. His secretary walks in with some papers and noticed that his fly was open. She tells him, "Hey, the barracks door is open." He didn't understand what she was talking about, and then he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open.

Later, his secretary walks in and he says to her, "By the way, when you noticed that the barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing there?"

She replies simply but nicely, "No, all I saw was an old veteran sitting on two saddle bags."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did You Get Married?

“You and your husband don’t seem to have and awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbour. “Why on earth did you get married?”

“I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,” was the reply. “He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We Have Everything  A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping. "Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything." "Don’t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything." "We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day." "Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked. "Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That’s when my Dad said, "Goodness, that’s all we needed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Were You Caught Too? 

A man had two parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female.

 

One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other.

 

He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.

The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man.

The parrot called out to him, "Hey mister!"

When the man turned, the parrot said, "Were you caught fxcking too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: When A Man Talks Nasty

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Answer: Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

Answer: $4.99 a minute.

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Your Disability?

"Sir, you are parking in a disabled only space, may I ask what is your disability?" said the policeman, observing a perfectly fit and healthy man parking his car.

The man replied, "Tourettes. Now fxck off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Over the Barbed Wire

World War 2 prison camp. A male prisoner talking to female prisoner.

Male: "How long have you been here?"

Female: "Four years, and I miss having a man."

Male: "Wow I have been here 3 years without a woman. How about we somehow get together?"

Female: "I'd love to, but how do you get over this wire fence?"

Male: "I will trampoline over it!"

He does as he says and lands on his feet the other side. She is all excited but he is not at all happy.

Male: "I can’t do it."

Female: "Why not?!?!"

Male: "Well, lady, that ain't my wash hanging on that wire there!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Life Is Bad

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick. The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put catsup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me."

Then the cucumber said, "My life is worse. People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me."

Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

[worldangel]

 Joke: We Have Everything 

A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.

Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."

"Don’t be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."

"We do," he answered, "My Daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my sister came home with her boyfriend, and told Dad that she was pregnant. That’s when my Dad said, "Goodness, that’s all we needed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny and Spelling Drills
 

A sixth-grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'

He stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.''

The teacher says, ''No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?''

Another little boy stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher says, ''No, that's wrong.''

The teacher asks, ''Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?''

Little Johnny stands up and says, ''Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.''

''Excellent Little Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?''

Little Johnny says, ''That's easy. Two plus two be fore.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Athlete's Foot  

Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home, strips off her clothes, and is very impressed!

He removes his own clothes, causing the woman to redress herself. "Whats wrong?“ he says.

“You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries.

“No, no,” he laughs, “I said had athlete's foot!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Johnny Goes Out for the Football Team
 

Why did Little Johnny start each day gluing coins to the back of his shirts and stretching to touch his toes?

Because he was going out for the football team, and he wanted to be the quarter-back!

But why the stretching?

So he could touch-down...

[worldangel]

Joke: Made My Throat Fuzzy

While waiting in line to pay for my groceries, a young woman behind me loudly stated, "I only had it once and that was on our honeymoon! Never again, it made my throat fizzy and felt really funny in my belly."

After a long pause she added, "No more sparkling wine for me, it's just whiskey from now on!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Half A Million Battered 

Two cannibals are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “Did you know that in this country alone there are over half a million battered women?”

“No shit,” the other guy says. “And all this time I’ve been eating them plain.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Going To Have A Baby 

Tim goes to his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is going to have a baby.”

The boss gives him a day off. Two days later Tim walks into work, and the boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?”

Tim says, “we won’t know for nine months.”

[worldangel]

Joke: We Eat It 

A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light. Bernard said, "We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets."

Gerard said, "It is useful so that we can read in the evening."

Luc said, "We need it for TV and radio etc."

After all kids said what they thought, little timid Isabelle raised her hand. "Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?"

"We eat it," said Isabelle.

"What do you mean, honey?"

"I'm not really sure. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night, 'Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.'”

[FattChoy]

Lol

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten Years Younger
 

After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger!”

My mother, un­impressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Else Would I Use?

Interviewing the convict after the publication of his first book, the reporter asked, “Why did you decide to list the author as ‘06809’?"

“What else would I use?” the prisoner said. “That’s my pen name.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: My Daddy Has Two 

One day third graders were having a sex-ed class.

 

The instructor held up a picture and asked if anybody knew what it was. No one said anything.

Finally one little boy spoke up and said: ”I know what it is. It’s a penis."

Surprised, the teacher asked,” How do you know that?"

The little boy said,” Well my daddy has two. He uses one to pee and one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Monument Ballroom 

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear.

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Here to Feed the Alligators An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

[worldangel]

Joke: Picnic In the Road 

Two idiots are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One says, "Hey, let’s have a picnic over there under that tree."

The other idiot says," No, no, let’s have it in the middle of the road."

They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road, and then ran into the tree.

The second idiot says, “See, if we were over there, we would be dead right now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Turning to Stone 

Little Johnny was very curious, and one day he decided to sneak into a strip club to see what it was like. He waited until the bouncer’s back was turn and scurried quietly to the front of the club, where he watched the strippers dance.

When they had removed nearly all of their clothing, he bolted out the door and ran down the street as fast as he could. He was running so fast he smacked right into a man and fell back on his bottom. “What’s wrong young man?” asked the adult. “You look like you just saw a ghost!”

“My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone. Well, I was watching two ladies and all of a sudden I felt something hard!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Daddy, Daddy!  

The policeman saw two men fighting and a little boy standing alongside them crying, Daddy, Daddy!”

The policeman pulled the two men apart and, turning to the boy asked, “Which one is your father, son?”

“I don’t know,” the boy said, rubbing the tears from his eyes. “That’s what they’re fighting about!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Windows Open at Night

"My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all the windows open."

"And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a thief."

[worldangel]

Joke: Will Make You Go Blind 

Johnny was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day his father walked in on him while he was jerking off.

Johnny was so embarrassed. He quickly pulled up his pants but his dad had already caught him.

His dad said, "Johnny, doing that will make you go blind."

"Dad, I'm over here," said Johnny.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brush Up My Sign Language 

A man asks his friend, "How did your date with the deaf nymphomaniac go last night?"

"Pretty good," the man replies. "But I need to brush up on my sign language."

"Why do you say that?"

"They kicked us out of the restaurant when I asked her if she likes the taste of gum."

[worldangel]

Joke: Money Where Your Mouth Is 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dogs Chase Cars 

An old couple walks into the bar and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women.

 

The bartender ways to the wife, “Doesn’t it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?”

“No, no, not really,” the wife says. “I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I Caught Six
 

It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots.

 

There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.

The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Relaxing Location
 

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold. Without missing a beat, he told the salesman, “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy that.

[worldangel]

Joke: Line In the Dirt
 

Two drunk guys were fighting.

One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.

That was the punchline.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Friend To No One
 

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you eat hay, then?"

"No."

"Man, you're not a fit companion for man or beast."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotel Reservation
 

Before setting off on a business trip to Tulsa, I called the hotel where I'd be staying to see if they had a gym.

 

The hotel receptionist's sigh had a tinge of exasperation in it when she answered.

"We have over 300 guests at this facility," she said. "Does this 'Jim' have a last name?

[worldangel]

Joke: Using Math Terms 

One day a teacher told her students to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, and multiply.

When time was over, she called on a student named Johnny.

He said. "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, and divide the legs."

"What about multiply, Johnny?"

"Oh, and you better hope you don't multiply!"