Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Duck Dance...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.

 

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I have learned that if you upset..

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you...

If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment...

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.'The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newest Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.

"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Spit in the Beer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom.

 

Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

[worldangel]

Joke: The Cautious Monkey

A man walks in at a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He steps up to the bar, sets the monkey on the bar, slides the peanut bowl over to the monkey, then orders a beer.

While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut, hulls it, looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the bartender sees this and tells the man, "Hey! Get that nasty animal outa my bar."

"What nasty animal?"

The man replies. "That monkey" says the bartender,"He's hulling those peanuts, ticking them up his ass, then eating them."

"Oh, He's not being nasty .He's being cautious."

The man says. "How do you figure that?"

Ask the bartender. "Well you see," explained the man, "my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit, now he makes sure it fits before he eats it"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.

Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde and Pizza

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

 

She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three visitors to London climb...

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. 

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. 

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. 

"My watch is 30 minutes slow." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man and his wife are sitting...

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window.

 

The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." 

Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." 

She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." 

He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An obstetrician delivers a baby...

An obstetrician delivers a baby for a beautiful young woman. The baby has blue eyes, blonde hair, black skin and narrowed eye groves.

"You should be more careful with the orgies you have" - the doctor says.

"I just thank Heaven he is not barking" - she answered.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 

The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Physics...

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Blonde walks into a Restaurant...

A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper.

 

She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river.

 

She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her friends (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A businessman finds that his neighbor ...

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.

After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal.

 

The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"

Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.

At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bob joins a very exclusive nudist ...

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man says: "You must be new here. It is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you have only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small part of our facilities..."

"Listen lady," Bob replies. "I am 58-years-old. I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jody and Sara live in the swamps ...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana. 

One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dogs allowed!

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

 

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Larry was startled to see the ...

Larry was startled to see the nonchalant way Jason was taking the fact that his girlfriend was seen with another man. “You said you loved her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting.”

“Waiting for what?” asked Larry

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller feller.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man sits down at a bar and ...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini.

 

The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

 

The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman brought four boys ...

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. 

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." 

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' 
Woman: 'Four.' 

Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' 
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' 

Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' 
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bird impressions

An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative. So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent's desk.

`So you do bird impressions, said the agent, `what else can you do?

[worldangel]

Joke: During a recent publicity outing ...

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A stage....

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor.

 

Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was once a man who lived...

There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office.

 

The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc.

 

After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?"

 

The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy goes into a drugstore to...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerck.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells,

"Clean up in aisle 4!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sidney stormed up to the front ...

Sidney stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bar Fight

"My Goodness! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley." Kelly said. "She gave me her purse, but it wasn't much use in a fight!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg

The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to Intensive Care Unit, where therapy continues.

After a couple of days, Mr. Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before - wild, passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Empire State Building Fall

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Weekend at Daves..

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.

"Thanks for puttin' us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great, the booze and dope were superb, and I really enjoyed fucking your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying fucking his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. 

He said: "Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table."
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts." 

After a couple of minutes he asked: "How does that feel?" 
"Wonderful," she replied, "But the discharge is from the ear."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college student picked up his...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.

 

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fifty years from now....

Three elderly people were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third one, a lady, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'She certainly looks good for her age.'"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! 

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We  need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me 

when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." 
 

Edited July 10, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An 85-year-old widow went on a...

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. 

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. 

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. 

"I had to slap his face three times!" 

"You mean he got fresh?" 

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!" 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

 

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. 

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The manager of a large office ...

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. 

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked. 

"John," the new guy replied. 

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. 

"I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we've got that straight, what is your last name?" 

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat down ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three blond men are out fishing...

Three blond men are out fishing one afternoon talking about this and that when one of the men says, "You know, my wife did the strangest thing the other day. She came home with 100 lbs of meat. I only say this is strange because we're vegetarians and don't eat meat."

One of the other men says, "You think that's weird. My wife came home with 100 lbs of dog food the other day. I don't know what she was thinking. We don't even own a dog and I'm allergic to dogs."

The third blond man says, "Well, you think that's weird. I've got both of you beat. My wife recently won a cruise and she's going with some female friends. So, she was out shopping the other day getting ready for this cruise and she came home with 100 condoms. She doesn't even have a penis!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: French fries

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady goes in to see a psychiatrist

A lady goes in to see a psychiatrist...

Lady: "Doctor, I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

Doctor: "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." 

Lady: "How much for all night?"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Makin' babies...

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."